Today in HORK: A 20-year-old woman was in Walmart when she "suddenly felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh and leg." Soon a 22-year-old man was arrested for throwing semen at the woman. The man "stated he was a loner and gets a thrill" from the act. HORK.
Today in [Honey Boo Boo dry-heaving gif], it turns out that delicious lamb gyro you're eating might actually be ground-up, dyed rat butts sculpted into lamblike meat-shapes! Eat up! If you're in eastern China, that is, and you're in the habit of purchasing very, very tiny pieces of "mutton" from meat-smuggling…
You guys. I am so, so sorry in advance about the information I am about to present to you. But, I mean, do you expect me to just process it alone? All by myself? What of the social contract!?!?