The just-launched site SexReally is paid for by the non-partisan National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, and presumably intended as a slightly older companion site to the Campaign's excellent StayTeen.

It's a fine idea to set up a site for 20-somethings that deals with topics in sexuality free from the stale moralizing of adolescent sex ed, a site that could serve as a forum for discussion of, say, the rising numbers of women in their twenties who use withdrawal as a contraceptive, why that might be, and what the risks and benefits are, or the difficulties posed by the fact that 20-something women are the least likely age cohort to have health insurance, or the fact that while teen pregnancy has decreased in recent years, the rate of unplanned pregnancies among women aged 20-29 is actually growing. What beggars belief is that anyone, let alone a non-profit group of sexuality educators, would think that Laura Sessions Stepp — a woman whose nuanced theory of human sexuality begins and ends with "Don't put out unless you're in a relationship, ladies!" — could do any such topics justice.

The first podcast for SexReally is titled "Starting a Relationship With Sex: Running the Bases Backwards," which should be a clue to lead blogger and podcast producer Sessions Stepp's position on the issue at hand — as if anyone should need the hint since the former Washington Post reporter's various condemnatory anecdotes about young women and sex were collected between hard covers in 2007's Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. (In her book, Sessions Stepp advises against relationship-free sex, and encourages kitchen fun for singletons instead. "Bake cookies, brownies, muffins. Ask your girlfriends for assistance. Guys will do anything for homemade baked goods." Girls, if you only can make enough cookies, you too can snag a man!)

Among her many other eminent qualifications for talking to young women in a balanced way about sex, Sessions Stepp is a true believer of the oxytocin junk science, a chief proponent of the late-90s teen oral sex moral panic — her reporting was flatly contradicted by actual statistics about young people's rates of oral sex — and it took her until 2006 to figure out what a "wingman" was. She also originated the term "gray rape."

So it's really no surprise that in her inaugural podcast, Sessions Stepp, in a stilted, motherly voice, marvels at the fact that grown adults no longer find the "bases" metaphor meaningful or informative. Her own all-caps transcript of the segment reads:

WE'VE ALL HEARD THE BASEBALL METAPHORS FOR SEX, LIKE "MADE IT TO SECOND," OR "HIT A HOME RUN." YEARS AGO, AS A GIRL RAN THE BASES, SHE ANTICIPATED A CERTAIN PROGRESSION IN THE RELATIONSHIP. (AT LEAST, SOME GIRLS DID.) GUYS MIGHT TRY TO SKIP A BASE OR TWO AND IT WAS UP TO HER TO FOIL THEIR OFTEN-CLUMSY ATTEMPTS.

WELL, THAT SCENARIO IS NOT SO COMMON ANYMORE… THESE DAYS, SEX FREQUENTLY HAPPENS BEFORE ANYTHING RESEMBLING A RELATIONSHIP. IS THIS A GOOD THING? A BAD THING?

I'll give you one guess!

Sessions Stepp talks to "Amanda", a woman from Los Angeles who, on her second date with a dude, and without — "No, no, no, no. Definitely, not!" — boyfriending him or taking any sensible precautions against oxytocin at all, had sex. The little minx invited him over for a movie and then within the hour they were doing the dirty! The fact that Amanda and her partner saw no harm in this reckless act — in fact, they subsequently did decide to date, and are, shockingly, still together — clearly marks them as either dangerously delusional or extraordinarily lucky, because as everyone Laura Sessions Stepp knows, every single hook-up makes the Baby Jesus cry irrevocably corrodes your own capacity for future love and happiness. As she explains:

SOME YOUNG WOMEN, LIKE AMANDA, ARE LUCKY. THEIR HOOKUP BUDDIES BECOME THEIR HONEYS. BUT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY...ONE PROBLEM WITH TAKING OFF FROM HOME BASE IS THIS: IF YOU START TO FEEL ATTACHED, YOU MAY NOT KNOW YOUR PARTNER WELL ENOUGH TO TELL HIM THAT. YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'LL SCARE HIM AWAY IF YOU BRING UP THAT DREADED WORD "FEELINGS". SO YOU SAY NOTHING…. WHICH CAN MAKE YOU FEEL…JUST BAD — ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER AND EVEN THE SEX.

Of course, even the college sophomore Sessions Stepp finds who had a disappointing hook-up experience — she grew to resent the guy following her realization that she felt more strongly about him than he did about her — still prefaced her criticisms with the phrase, "As much as I don't regret having sex with him..."

Statements like Sessions Stepp's play host to a whole set of nested assumptions, most of which are dated and restrictive. (Some of which are just dated. Who under the age of 40 calls their [in]significant other their "honey"?) In the system of sexuality that Sessions Stepp seems to favor — the slow, steady, codified "running of the bases" within a relationship — women are always the sexual gatekeepers. This stance neatly sidesteps any notion of men's responsibility for, well, anything. In Sessions Stepp's view, women trade sex begrudgingly in return for access to the socially-protected role of "girlfriend" and the supposed privileges that come with it. Women who enjoy having sex with casual partners, who don't feel the need to explore their serious, long-term prospects with every guy they date, or to only date guys with whom they feel they might have serious, long-term prospects, women who initiate sex and claim to like it, are just fooling themselves. Worse — they're actually hurting themselves. Because nobody can make an easy transition from having a lot of casual sex at one point in her life in one set of circumstances, to enjoying a more serious relationship at a different point in her life and under a different set of circumstances. It's just not possible! It's because of oxytocin, or something.

Strangest of all is the belief that underlies this and all the rest of Laura Sessions Stepp's work. She argues against casual sex — at least for women — so assiduously on the grounds that it hurts us. That it diminishes our self-esteem and numbs us to real love. But since when is a relationship any prophylactic against heartbreak? No hook-up, no cumulative accounting of a lifetime of hook-ups, will ever hurt as much as a break-up with a partner you love more than anything in this world. Young women know this about relationships. That's probably one reason why we sometimes prefer not to engage in them.

More stories about birth control costs, abortion access, finding a doctor willing to fit you with an IUD even if you haven't had kids, and finagling decent care in our under-insured society would be a lot more welcome — and more useful — than just more of the moralistic same from the likes of Laura Sessions Stepp.

SexReally [SexReally]
StayTeen [StayTeen]
National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy [NCPT]
The Challenge in Helping Young Adults Better Manage Their Reproductive Lives [Guttmacher Institute]
Does Withdrawal Deserve Another Look? [Guttmacher Institute]
A Disconnect On Hooking Up [NY Times]
Moral Panic Comes 'Unhooked' [Campus Progress]
PERCEPTION THAT TEENS FREQUENTLY SUBSTITUTE ORAL SEX FOR INTERCOURSE A MYTH [Guttmacher Institute]
A Bud For The Ladies [WaPo]

Earlier: Cosmo Wonders: Is It Rape If You Had Too Many Jaeger Shots To Remember?

Blow's piece, titled "The Demise of Dating" bemoans (once again) the shift from formal dating to a series of hook-ups amongst high school seniors. Though Blow points out that "just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research)," he goes on to point out that the real "con" of hookup culture is the fact that "girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol."

Aroo?! The increased likelihood of sexual assaults is one thing, but the idea that girls are only hooking up to find a serious relationship and eventually a spouse is a bit ridiculous, is it not? Perhaps Mr. Blow is not aware that women, too, can date without wanting every single hook up to be capped by a diamond ring and a sense of happily ever after.

The Times commenters were split on the article: some seemed as equally as shocked as Mr. Blow that kids were "hooking up" and not, you know, courtin' and doin' the Virginia Reel with a chaperone instead. Others took Mr. Blow to task for his "girls just wanna have weddings" stance. A few examples:

• "I'm a 22 year old girl, a cute one, and since I cannot go out to the party I was invited to because my broken right arm is being held together by surgical pins, I will speak up for my sex on the Internets with my left hand. Well, Mr. Blow, none of my girl friends are actively husband hunting. Two of my three best friends have consistently had the upper-hand in their relationships, it was the boy who was thinking "Soulmates,” and it was them who ended things. (Not that their independence issues is anything to be proud of.) Meanwhile, two of my male peers are dating women over 10 years older than them, who make more money, and sometimes even buy them things. Those women were not exactly looking for marriage. I never read Maureen Dowd's book "Are Men Necessary?" (I read her in the New York Times instead), but I'm beyond baffled if that wonderful woman had to feel like she had compromise for some man, as I know 8 smart, politically aware guys who would absolutely LOVE to show her some appreciation (ok, all of them under 35). Women, don’t worry about "getting older" and not "finding a husband." Be yourself. Freedom is better than living a lie."- Liz, NY

• "Seventeen is quite young for dating. Back in the good old days, the majority of high school seniors had not dated before going to the prom. It seems sad that young people would "hook up" (sounds like the first stitch of a crochet project). If they "hook up," they are going to miss one of the greatest experiences of life: having sex for the first time with the love of one's life."— ShowMe, Missouri

• "This is part of the ongoing backlash against feminism, fueled by the fashion industry. Young women are intimidated (by the threat of social ostracism) into dressing provocatively and having sex during their teenage years. They are made to feel that they will be judged based on whether they are "hot." On campus you see the couples: the man wearing a covering shirt, the woman with a lot of bare skin. Young women today are expected to compete and grovel for the attention of men, whereas years ago women had some power in the ability to say no. Perhaps young women are reacting to the suffering they saw when their mothers tried to assert their self esteem, and they decided to be accommodating rather than divorced. I think teenage girls could use some assertiveness education, the ability to say no. It seems much more difficult to be a young woman today as compared to a few decades ago. This backlash against feminism among the young is also seen in the declining participation of women in computer science as a major, since men have constructed the high tech workplace with rough behavior, excessive overtime, and miserable office space in order to keep women out, and as a result, women are forced into traditional female occupations. Another manifestation of this - the stalking and violence against young women who leave or refuse a relationship or marriage. I can see why some female students (graduate and undergraduate) become LUGs."— LAS, Redmond, WA

• "Some comments have characterized hooking-up as an attack on feminism. As a young feminist myself, I see it quite the opposite. One of the key factors contributing to the rise of a hook-up culture has to be the rise of womens' sexual agency and a broader understanding of sexuality in general. Both of those social changes are attributable to the feminist movement. Hook-ups are not about women being forced to hyper-sexualize themselves for the benefit of men, but about women having the agency to engage in sexual activity without social reprise or stigma."— Zachary Howell, New York, NY

• "Wait a minute....is the older generation decrying the new habits of youth!! Has that ever happened before??? Those darn kids, when will they learn to be like us older folks!!!"— Chris, North Brunswick, NJ

So what say you, dear commenters?

The Demise Of Dating[NYTimes]

Image via Some e Cards.com

1. Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
2. Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
3. Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
4. Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
5. In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
6. Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
7. Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
8. If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
9. Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
10. Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
11. I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
12. Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
13. Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
14. Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
15. Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
16. Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
17. Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
18. Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
19. Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
20. Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

As a feminist, I want to not define what is right and wrong for somebody else, but I recognize that some women and men don't make the choice to be sex workers as much as they are pushed or fall into it for the wrong reasons. As a politically-inclined person, I am keen to see as many people participating in the political process as possible, and I'm keenly aware that sex workers aren't accorded the rights here that they deserve. As a woman, I'm bothered to find out that a lover or a boyfriend has patronized a prostitute and I'm never keen on them going to strip clubs. And, frankly, I've walked past the strip clubs on M Street enough to know that the objectification that goes on in there doesn't stay behind those closed doors — and while I blame the men that stare at my tits, I can't honestly say I never blame the owners of the naked breasts those men were recently drooling over. And so I put on my 5 inch heels and teetered over to BeBar on 9th Street last night to check it out. And it turns out the way to reconcile 15 different points of view on sex work is really easy — you just spend the night talking to sex workers and their friends and supporters outside of the contexts of their jobs.

I met a lot of cool people last night from all walks of life (and including one Jezebel commenter) all of whom were there to support the cause of treating sex workers more like normal working people. The folks I spoke with want the rest of us to know that they didn't all get into sex work because they were abused or on drugs and that, for some of them, it's just a job like any other. It's work which, like your job, can be fun or monotonous, intellectually stimulating or a reason to read Jezebel all day at your desk, physically demanding or a reason for your butt to spread like mine. There's no one reason people choose to get into sex work or stay in sex work.

And prostitutes don't just face discrimination and condemnation from women, they face it from their own clients. They also face serious risks, like diseases and beatings. The police tend to go after sex workers rather than the clients — just ask David Vitter what charges he faced for using the D.C. Madam's services, or Senator Debbie Stabenow's husband (who turned state's evidence against the prostitute he hired). In D.C., the city has designated certain places prostitute-free zones, in which people who "look like" prostitutes can be arrested for having prior charges or more than 3 condoms on them — and where transgendered people are often harassed. So, while having (and using) condoms is taking an active approach to one's own safety and that of one's clients (and their current or future partners), it's actually punishable by law in D.C.. Great plan there, guys.

The groups that sponsored last night's event — HIPS, $PREAD Magazine and Different Avenues — are working not to eliminate sex work, but to make it a safe alternative for the women and men who choose to do it, and to help those that don't feel free to choose to leave to get out. They provide testing services, counseling, drug programs, social support services and outreach in addition to working to educate the public and our elected representatives about what's being done wrong and right in regards to sex work. Plus they throw really interesting parties where they help get people registered to vote.

At the end, the sex workers I was talking to and I came to an agreement. If a woman's husband or boyfriend is utilizing a sex worker's services (and, God forbid, leaves her with some consequences of his actions), we should blame him and not the sex worker. The sex worker was just doing his or her job, not trying to hurt anyone else.