Jezebel 
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New York, 9:13 AM
Sun Nov 29
17 posts in the last 24 hours
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02/13/09
The "howling" during the last three minutes -- and any exaggerated howling of any kind, really -- never fails to brighten a mood. Also, this: [www.misternicehands.com] because I'm 12.
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Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle of the room bleeding from every orifice and everyone is walking around me just going about their business.
I know this is postpartum depression and I know it will pass. But I don't feel it right now. It just feels dark.
This might qualify as an overshare. Sorry
02/13/09
It's so hard when you can't just "snap out of it" via a good movie or book and everybody else seems to be able to carry on. You are not alone in this. Just try to take the best care of yourself possible.
02/13/09
I breezed through my first kid, but my second? I have NEVER felt darkness such as that any other time in my life. I understand that 'middle of the room' feeling. You're not alone in that at all.
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02/13/09
Thank you. I THOUGHT I had experienced depression until I had my first go round with PPD. I know what you mean about the darkness...I thought it was going to swallow me up. I have to remember that it didn't. I found my way that time and I will again this time.
I am already in touch with my psychiatrist. I have been since I had the baby. Things are a bit complicated since I had a number of health problems come up during and after the pregnancy that effect treatment.
The only thing I want right now is to be a good mom and wife. I know that is a strange thing to say on Jezebel. Of course I have other goals than that, but I want to be present for my family first.
02/13/09
I visited the doctor and have now been on Effexor for three days. I haven't noticed it working yet, but the side effects are making me less functional than before. I'll go from feeling like I drank 10 cups of coffee to feeling like I'm about to fall asleep in a matter of minutes. And the anxiety seems to have increased.
The thing is, I haven't told anybody I've started taking it. I've mentioned that I had been thinking about it for a long time, but now that I'm in a city where I hardly know anybody, I'm doing everything on my own now. And then there's the taboo - I'm so afraid to say that I've turned to chemical assistance. All my friends come from the natural-is-best way of thinking, and this decision is making me feel more isolated. And I'm feeling more depressed because now there's this label I've attached to myself.
I'm shopping for therapists too. I'm really looking forward to getting into a routine, but I'm so confused because there are so many different therapeutic approaches. Should I go deep into my past via psychodynamic psychotherapy, or is a more behavioral/cognitive approach more useful?
I guess this isn't exactly what this post is all about, but I feel so alone and confused now. I don't think watching movies is going to be the best thing for me. I think I need to start doing things, being productive.
02/13/09
I could have written some of your post myself. I am on Effexor as well. I went off while I was pregnant and now I am back on. The jittery/anxious feeling went away for me. But it takes a couple weeks.
Remember that getting treatment for depression doesn't have to define you. Most of all it is your business and you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.
Getting on a routine has worked for me before, even if work didn't require it. I often get a lack of motivation and severe isolation when I am depressed. I don't want to answer my phone, I don't want to shower, I don't want to do anything. So I had to literally write down everything I was going to do, shower, eat, grocery shop etc.
I am struggling something terrible with postpartum depression yet again. But I can tell you that it DOES get better. I know how it feels to not even remember what happy felt like. I am in that place now. I am trying to keep faith I can get back there.
I am also thinking I should take some of my own advice.
02/13/09
Anyway, people are very uncomfortable talking about mental illness, which in turn makes you feel even more isolated and makes everything worse. Is there one friend, just one who would be sympathetic? Productivity is good too.
If you enjoy schadenfreude then bide your time, statistically one of those friends will come down with the clinicals too.
02/13/09
Good luck to you, know you are doing the right thing by taking action, any action.
When I'm overwhelmed I often take heart when I'm able to accomplish something, anything, even if it seems insignificant. Especially if it involves focusing on something other than myself and all the things I "should" be doing, if that makes any sense.
Good for you for taking the first steps. We're rooting for you!
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Okay, my point. None of you are alone, even if it feels like it. Anyone currently in the depths of despair, I say to you: please have faith, because it will, eventually, get better. It will. Whatever gets you through your bad times, do it/read it/listen to it/watch it/eat it/sing/dance/cry/throw tantrums. Whatever helps. And know that as long as you have internet access, you have your awesome Jezefriends. And gravy and leg-hugs and fisting and so forth. Love to you all, and thanks, too. Yall have helped me through some shitty times, believe it.
02/13/09
Oh Aesop. I'm saving that whole post, because it is amongst the loveliest things I've ever had the privilege to read. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm reaching out across the stormy grey Atlantic to grab your hand and squeeze it tightly. You're so precious to me, do you know that? It's incredible how a stranger can mean so much.
But you do. You mean so much to this root vegetable. Thank god you exist.
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02/13/09
*Aside: I'm still working out the kinks in the clone-machine. Once it's fully operational, you'll be getting a very small package delivered to your door.
:)
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02/13/09
I can't remember how I felt before Jez but I know it was worse.
02/13/09
Sometimes I need:
TV
Jeeves and Wooster
Miss Marple (with Joan Hickson)
Certain childrens cartoons
Reading
Mostly Old kids books - anything - YA, long Victorian childrens books (I'm thinking of treating myself to a boxset of Ramona)
I also love Kate Atkinson (she is soooo good at describing emotions, you can get lost in someone else's head rather than your own)
Food
Wholemeal pitta bread with butter and marmite
Anything cooked by my sister
02/13/09
Also, I would really, really like to know your sister. She sounds like such a genuinely lovely human bean. Hell, if she's even a fraction as wonderful as you, she's a grand girl, to be sure.
02/13/09
Joy!
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Operation Ivy - Sound System
Dr. John - Mama Roux
Devendra Banhart - Lover
Sleater-Kinney - Oh!
Almost anything by RuPaul.
Also I listen to comedy. Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Chris Rock and old Eddie Murphy always makes me laugh.
02/13/09
02/13/09
I know I'm going to sound like a big freakazoid here, but when I was having a dark night of the soul, the only thing that truly comforted me was reading the New Testament of the bible. Something about it. Especially the Jesus bits.
For television, I'd have to say Family Guy or Black Adder.
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Gone with the Wind
Cruel Intentions
Buffy
Firefly
Doctor Who
Reading:
Mercedes Lackey books.
Anna Karenina.
Music:
The Smiths.
Cheesy old Italian music.
02/13/09
02/13/09
Oh, and Extraordinary Groups, "Love Actually" and Sigur Ros "Staralfur" are my comforts.
02/13/09