When I opened the cover and saw that the first image was this chick getting wasted and weirdly fucking around with her kitten and a pair of scissors while her man did all the grunt work, I knew this book had me at "What's happening?"

As I suspected, this volume of Woman Alive was a lot like the others in the series in that it doesn't give you that much practical information beyond "Have you heard about wallpaper!?" However, there was this chart, which explains everything you always wanted to know about carpeting, but never bothered to ask, since we all prefer hardwood floors these days.

Here's a bunch of weird, impractical furniture that doesn't even have a store credit so that you can go out and buy it, should you desire that Real World living experience.

This, however, I find incredibly practical for my lifestyle, since I work from home and never have to go anywhere. If I had a situation like this, I wouldn't even have to do my daily grind commute from my bed to my couch. I could just roll over.

Here are some more looks that the reader is never told how to achieve. I want to live in this second photo.

I'm not really into this room, but I'm totally digging the couple who lives in it. Look at them! They are getting loose. No shoes, no sobriety, no problem.

I never knew how into decorative doors I was until reading this book. The molding on all of these was glued on. There you go for a tip.

Earlier: Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You
Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks

Former model and ever so slightly uglier sister of supermodel Jemima, Jemma Kidd is interviewed in this month's Vogue, on the absolute essentials every house should have to ensure it's more than just a pile of bricks - it's a home.

Amongst the must-have-or-you're-shit items are a $2,700 Luisa Beccaria floral dress, a $500 bunch of flowers, $33 soap and at least four $175 tea trays.

A $350 splurge on a pair of once-in-a-lifetime Manolos I can understand. Guilty as charged, your honor. But a $175 tea tray? A frigging tea tray? Ain't no-one gonna fuck me for wearing that.

People like Jemma aren't like you and me. They never turn right on a plane, have never cleaned a toilet in their lives, and actually do have homes in New York, Paris and London. They don't shop where we shop, vacation where we vacation or send their kids to school in our neighborhood. Their servants do.

Thank God for Vogue, or we wouldn't even know they existed. Which would be simply awful.