According to Klein, Clinton is a bundle of contradictions. She messed up an opportunity to advance fruitful peace talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians, except such talks are almost never fruitful. ("For the past 40 years, the awkward Middle East press conference has helped define the job of Secretary of State. You go to Jerusalem or Ramallah; you stand there 'guardedly optimistic' in public; in private, you try to move a comma, but the Israelis or Palestinians move a semicolon to block your comma. The result is almost always the same: gridlock.") Clinton's big mouth made the administration look bad — by reinforcing things Obama had already said. "The conventional wisdom," is that by installing Clinton as Secretary of State, Obama "succeeded in neutering her" (nice), but then, he also gave her the power to "become a torpedo aimed at the Oval Office." She's bungled diplomacy yet made enormous strides in improving America's image abroad. Her edgier tone has been evident from the start of the Administration" — in some cases irritating the White House — yet "her reticence during her first nine months on the job," did indeed bolster the impression that she was "neutered." (Dear Joe Klein and rest of world, Can we please find a better metaphor for being rendered ineffectual?) By all on-the-record accounts, her "relationship with Obama really - really - is strong," but anonymous "emanations," "burblings" and "Foggy Bottom body language" (say that 5 times fast) indicate otherwise, maybe, sort of.

"These tensions are well within the boundaries of normal, creative policymaking," writes Klein, but he seems determined to make something more of them nonetheless. An "essential rule of diplomacy," he says, is "boring is almost always better" — but obviously, an essential rule of journalism is the opposite. So I can sympathize with the need to jazz up a story that amounts to, "She seems to be doing a pretty OK job — not perfect, but whatever." But the way he does it is sort of dizzying. Is she fucking up or doing smart, new things? Is she too blunt or too retiring? Too powerful, or too [new metaphor]? Is she putting words in Obama's mouth or vice versa? Do they lurve each other or secretly plot against each other? The contradictory questions don't balance the portrait of a complex woman so much as they obscure it.

By far the most interesting and enlightening parts come in the middle, when Klein sits down and talks to Clinton, whom he's known for a bazillion years. They talk about her first trip to Pakistan in 1995 — he was there — and she gushes about the experience and admits what a Benazir Bhutto fangirl she was. In this section, Klein points out that "Ironically, the rise of Sunni extremist groups like al-Qaeda has brought Clinton's interests - microfinance, education and health care - to the center of national-security policy for the first time" — oh hey, she has interests! — and says Clinton's excellent relationship with military leaders at home has "helped make the relationship between State and the Pentagon less fraught than usual." She has "a palpable toughness" to her, and unlike a lot of journalists, Klein seems to mean that as a real compliment. He mentions repeatedly that she is intensely guarded and private, which undoubtedly explains a lot of his (and everyone's) difficulty in pinning her down, but still, this middle part is where we get a sense that he's talking about a real person with identifiable strengths, weaknesses, goals and accomplishments. That angle just couldn't sustain a whole feature, I guess.

Perhaps the big lesson to take from this profile, then, is that Hillary Clinton is nowhere near as predictable as we'd like her to be. For as long as she's been in the public eye (and under insane scrutiny to boot), it really seems like we ought to know her well enough to anticipate her next move — and fully understand her last. But it turns out we might not. Which makes it hard to analyze her but really interesting to watch her.

Hillary's Moment: Clinton Faces The World [Time]

The name comes from the Latin hilaris, meaning cheerful or merry, and this seems pretty apt. In my mind, Hillary is bawdy — she likes beer, dick jokes, cheeseburgers, and sports. She got in trouble a lot in high school — mostly for talking in class and drawing naked pictures on the overhead when the teacher wasn't looking — but the authorities could never really stay mad at her. She has curly hair, which is often a mess, and she just laughs if you try to stick things in it. She favors jeans and boots, and she may have a little acne, even if she's not a teenager anymore — probably because she doesn't always bother to wash her face after a night out drinking and eating fries. Hillary's a loyal friend, and though she has some insecurities — why, for instance, are her fingernails always bitten down all the way to the quick? — she doesn't let them get in the way of a good time.

Hilary Swank seems like she could once have been this kind of Hillary. The perfectly coiffed Hilary Duff — not so much. And then, of course, there's America's premier Hillary, HRC herself. Her image, especially during the Lewinsky scandal and again as the primaries turned nasty, was pretty much the opposite of party girl. She was supposed to be shrill, power-hungry, domineering — not a laid-back lady who throws back beers with the guys. And her ambitious years at Wellesley seem to have left little time for dick jokes. But Hillary Clinton is also known for her laugh. And while she's gotten criticized for it, a laugh may actually be the sanest response to some of the shit she's had to deal with. Remember how Al Gore became cool after he stopped running for office? Maybe with the presidential campaign behind her, Hillary Clinton can let out her inner class clown.

One thing's for sure — her name is making a comeback. Hillary peaked at #268 in the eighties, then took a huge dive right around the time of that whole Lewinsky thing. By the early 2000, it had dropped out of the top 1000 baby names, only to rebound a little bit — and then dip again right around the time Hillary Clinton ran for president. This is rather depressing news — was Clinton really so hated that her very name became anathema? — but you can't keep Hillary down. The name has now rebounded to #715 — it's like it woke up with a really nasty hangover, ate some eggs, and went out to play a game of basketball.

Though it's much less popular, Hillary can also be a boy's name — and since androgynous names are supposedly having a renaissance (thanks in part to Heidi Klum's little girl Lou), maybe we'll see more little male Hillaries running around. But the Hillary I knew best was actually a hermit crab, a childhood pet I named after mountaineer Edmund Hillary (that's him in the hat). Tragically, s/he got eaten by my brother's crab, which given its personality was probably a Courtney. I came home to find what was once my crab reduced to a little pile of dismembered parts. I cried — but a Hillary probably would've found it funny.

Hillary [Baby Name Wizards]
Hillary [Wikipedia]
Gender-Bending Baby Names [The Daily Beast]

• Hillary Clinton has not agreed to be Obama's Secretary of State even if she is officially offered it. [Politico]
• She has, however, been asked to head Ted Kennedy's health reform task force next year. [The Hill]
• Mr. Jowls will remain the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security. Jane Hamsher and others say, in so many words, fuck that guy. [Politico, Firedoglake, Politico]
• Chuck Norris might be able to defeat ninjas, cowboys and anyone who talks back, but what he's really, really scared of is boys who like to kiss other boys (we assume that, like most raging homophobes, he furiously masturbates to girl-on-girl porn). Chuck Norris, I have watched gay bear porn and survived with nary a scratch. I double dog dare you. [Queerty]

• In the mean time, Eric Holder appears poised to become this country's first African-American attorney general. Some people have their panties all in a bunch that he might or might not have had something to do with the 11th hour pardon of Marc Rich in the Clinton Administration. [Newsweek]
• Beau Biden, on the other hand, will not accept an appointment to his father's Senate seat and will likely deploy to Iraq as planned. [Washington Post]
• Less gracious is outgoing Representative Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colorado) who has yet to officially concede the race she lost in a landslide to Democrat Betsy Markey or thank her staff, but what would you expect from the woman who staked her legislative career on trying to pass a Constitutional amendment to forever prohibit same sex marriage? [Politico]
• Speaking of controversial pardons, apparently Ted Stevens wants one. [Politico]
• Republicans are trying to decide whether to try and trample people's rights in order to regain some semblance of political relevance, or whether they'd like to try doing stuff for the Real Americans they so desperately swear they represent. [Huffington Post]
• Chuck Hagel pretty much said that Rush Limbaugh can go fuck himself during a speech. I say that all the time, Chuck! Want to grab a drink and make fun of him sometime? [CNN]
• Diane Sawyer conducted her interview with Ashley Alexandra Dupre, originally famous for fucking former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer for money, who, if this picture is any guide, will heretofore be known for sneaking into Sarah Palin's tanning beds one too many times and stealing Jane Fonda's steez from 9 to 5. It's unclear whether she actually says anything to make the interview worth watching, but since she's probably not going to dish about whether Spitzer really tried to fuck her up the ass without a condom while wearing his socks and singing show tunes, I'm guessing not. Fine, I never really heard rumors of show tunes. [Huffington Post]

ANA MARIE: I don't think I'm going to see "W." It looks like it's TRYING to be funny. And Oliver Stone movies are the most amusing when the humor is completely unintentional.

MEGAN: I believe it is trying to be funny.

ANA MARIE: Chris and I watch "JFK" pretty much every time it's on basic cable. Now THAT is a funny movie. I mean, Joe Pesci in a leotard and fucking Kevin Bacon? Pretending to do amyl nitrate? You don't make that funnier just by saying they're playing Republican political leaders. Because then it's just a documentary.

MEGAN: Joe Pesci in a leotard is basically the nightmare I hadn't yet had, so I'll report back tomorrow on my utter lack of sleep tonight. In my mind's eye, it's purple and there is a tutu involved. And he pirouettes up to a car and proceeds to beat someone with a tire iron.

ANA MARIE: It's actually gold lame and he's (or Kevin Bacon, I forget) is dressed as Hermes. Seriously: one of America's finest cinematic events.

MEGAN: Ok, I'm just going to pretend it is Kevin Bacon. Now that I'm thinking about Kevin Bacon boogeying in a gold lame unitard.

ANA MARIE: Perhaps dancing in a county where DANCING HAS BEEN OUTLAWED? That's probably as good a segue as we're going to get to talking about McCain, btw.

MEGAN: And suddenly, in the movable diorama that it my imagination, the tiny, gold lame unitard clad Kevin Bacon stopped his dancing, and hangs his head with sadness as the old man stumbles out and starts yelling at him to get off his lawn or he's going to nuke it.

ANA MARIE: I was watching "Morning Joe" earlier and they were joking around with Robert Gibbs about something or other and he brought up the "get off my lawn" trope and I thought: That's just really unfair to people who legitimately care about their lawns. McCain's commitment to lawns is just base-pleasing pander. Besides, McCain lives in a condo.

MEGAN: Well, in one of his residences, yes.

ANA MARIE: Also? I think McCain lost Scarborough a long time ago, but the happy-happy jokey-joke with Gibbs was still kind of amazing. Not as amazing, however, as McCain loosing Peggy Noonan. Did you hear about that?

MEGAN: I saw Peggy speak last weekend, but I was very hung over.

ANA MARIE: Yesterday on "Hardball" she said she "doesn't know" who she's going to vote for.

MEGAN: She doesn't like the faux populism, which she considers empty and stupid and not a strategy as much as a pander.

ANA MARIE: And I think she once accidentally threw her baseball into McCain's lawn. (It's very hard to stay away from that joke)

MEGAN: (I'm okay with that.) So, why is McCain so fucking angry this week? Because he's losing? And will he lose it on stage tonight?

ANA MARIE: I don't think he's any angrier this week than in the past. He's just taking more pleasure in it. And as for "losing it"... I guess that's why he can't look at Obama, maybe? It's funny how the right makes fun of the liberal "grievance industry" but, essentially, what McCain is mad about is being treated unfairly. To which I believe the traditional R rejoinder is "Well, life isn't fair."

MEGAN: Well, he understands life isn't fair. He was tortured! Didn't you know he was tortured?

ANA MARIE: I am familiar with the outlines of that story, yes. I can't decide if McCain is going into this debate tonight with ridiculously high expectations or if he's entering Palin territory: like, as long as he doesn't forget what day it is, he'll be fine. This is assuming he knows what day it is to begin with.

MEGAN: Well, it's his format, right? He's Mr. Town Hall, he's going to kill tonight and between that and the torture experiences with which I am sure he will make more Americans more familiar, he will be made President as is only his due because life isn't fair. By the way, are you as familiar with Obama's supposed terrorist leanings and his radical friends and whatnot as with McCain's experience as a tortured and yet still heroic POW? Because if you're not, Fox News has a show for you. It sadly doesn't feature Jerome Corsi who has been unavoidably detained in Kenya for working without a work visa. I know I should be all like "free press! free press!" but it made me just a teensy bit pleased in a way I don't like to admit.

ANA MARIE: My favorite thing about the Corsi story is the quote from the Kenyan official, who basically admits they arrested him because, you know, he's an asshole. And,

"We still haven't decided what to do with him."

I kind of feel the same way!

MEGAN: If being an asshole is illegal in Kenya, I guess we know where John McCain won't be visiting...

ANA MARIE: Or either of us, for that matter. Were you shocked to learn about that "new poll of 600 female voters found that most view Hillary Clinton as a better mom, role model and leader than Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to be named to a Republican ticket"? Because I sure was! I mean, for Palin to come in second... if it were fair, she'd come in behind "a comfy chair" in all those categories.

MEGAN: Actually, I think the right word my be "flabbergasted." You mean, Americans aren't buying her shtick? I feel like I might have underestimated Americans. I mean, except the ones calling Obama a terrorist at McCain rallies and threatening to kill him at Palin rallies.

ANA MARIE: Yeah, that does not reflect well on the Silent Majority, does it? Or rather, it explains why they are usually asked to stay silent.

MEGAN: Well, and the Palin supporter who told an African-American sound guy to "sit down, boy" at the Palin rally. I thought we had all agreed that it was unacceptable to be an open racist in modern American society? Wasn't there a consensus or a referendum or something?

ANA MARIE: Good thing that black people at Palin rallies are pretty rare!

MEGAN: Hell, I'd make myself scarcer than a condom in the Palin house were I African-American at one of those.

ANA MARIE: And as for that referendum, I believe that's scheduled for the first Tuesday of November.

MEGAN: I'm just going to go waaaaaaaay out on a limb here and suggest that racism will still exist in this country even if Obama gets elected.

ANA MARIE: But it no longer will be the first thing other countries think of when we come up.

MEGAN: That said, where would racists threaten go to avoid an Obama Presidency? Liberals are all, like, going to Canada or France, but it seems like racists hate everyone else.

ANA MARIE: Iceland is apparently in a real financial crisis right now, so a loose coalition of rich racists could probably pick it up cheap. And you don't get countries much whiter.

MEGAN: I don't think that there are enough dirty hooker toes in Iceland for Dick Morris, though.

ANA MARIE: And with that advice, I feel like my dream of ridding the country of racists is one step closer to reality.

MEGAN: We're sorry Iceland! You guys can come here, there might be a lot of space available. And, um, bring the Penis Museum for safekeeping.

ANA MARIE: Aye. Dick Morris. Why is he still appearing in public? Besides being the George Michael of toe-sucking jokes, why do I know ANYTHING MORE ABOUT HIM besides that? Who can I blame?

MEGAN: Have you seen his teeth recently? He's rather obviously still at it.

ANA MARIE: Never has a sexual fetish seemed more poetically appropriate, really. It'd be like finding out that Todd Palin likes to cross-dress. Almost too perfect.

MEGAN: See, I think cross-dressing would be too vanilla for Todd Palin. He's more like mint chocolate chip, you have to throw in a little pegging or something to make it work.

ANA MARIE: Cross dressing and dungeons.

MEGAN: I bet Sarah Palin has been wondering for a while why her nice underwear keeps getting all stretched out.

ANA MARIE: Oh, oh, oh: This is teh awesome. That awful American Carol movie? Apparently it is tanking because of a liberal conspiracy! Not because it sucks ass (or toes).

MEGAN: And not because it sucks? Also, since when to theatre owners have a political agenda that doesn't involve making money?

ANA MARIE: That's what happened with Ishtar, too, right?

MEGAN: Fucking radical commie theatre owners, trying to keep conservative movies down and out. You know they're just doing it to make sure W. does better, which it will and not just because it has, like, recognizable actors and a famous director and shit.

ANA MARIE: Well, theater-owners bias toward experimental liberal films is well-documented. And that why the megaplex down the street has five screens showing Reds.

MEGAN: It's like you think you're going to see the Batman movie and SHAZAM!! you're being indoctrinated again.

ANA MARIE: And the Koyaanisqatsi midnight showing. It's like Rocky Horror Picture Show but with people dressed as mountains.

MEGAN: And throwing glitter for snow. Unlike Rocky, though, it totally ends in a plushie orgy. Because that's what radicalized Commies do. It's why they never really succeeded — too busy fucking to fuck shit up.

ANA MARIE: And then everyone gets quiet for the five minute shot of a plane taking off. (Which is an actual scene in the movie. And, fwiw, I'm sure it does get Todd Palin hard.)

MEGAN: But, really, what doesn't get Todd Palin hard? I'm sure even Joe Pesci in a leotard and tutu holding a tire iron would do it.

• Is smoking weed a guy thing? Charlize Theron and her homemade apple bong beg to differ! While we can think of plenty of female stoners we know personally, we're not too big on the ganj ourselves. The munchies are a brutal affront to bikini season. [The Stranger]
  
• Breast density and high levels of circulating sex hormones have largely gone hand in hand as risk factors for breast cancer, however a new study shows that they are independent risk factors as well. Of course they are. God forbid we actually get some good news about our tits. [NY Times]
  
• Seriously, can we please shut the fuck up about all this girls love the color pink nonsense and spend our super experimentation funds on something useful, like finding out why men like to leave nasty wet towels on the bed? Thanks. Also, we like orange. [Guardian]
  
• The UN has released an extremely disturbing report about sexual crimes against women in Darfur, mostly committed by soldiers and government militia. Everyone should read it. Yes, that means you. [NEWS.com.au]

• Kids with incarcerated moms can go to summer camp at the clink so that mom can prove she's still is a good role model, even after busting a cap in someone's ass. Great news for Foxy Brown! [NY Times]
• Iranian-American academic Haleh Esfandiari was finally released from an Iranian jail yesterday, but has not been given permission to leave the country. What's kind of odd is that Ms. Edfandiari's elderly mother, who lives off her dead husband's pension, put up the $300,000+ bail money, rather than Edfandiari's own husband. WTF? [NY Times]
• A woman in Russia, who was cohabitating with her ex-husband — a common practice in the country because of insane housing prices — set fire to his penis as he sat naked on the couch watching TV and drinking vodka. OMG, is it bad that we kind of sort of giggled? [Reuters]
• Washington Post reporter Carl Bernstein sums up Hillary Clinton's political life over the last 40 years — biggest (not-so-much-a) shocker? Bill's been foolin' around on her since before they were married. [AlterNet]
• Republican Mitt Romney has been spewing some rather covert anti-birth control rhetoric to his most right wing supporters. Okay, so if birth control is bad because it stops the egg and the sperm from meeting, isn't jerking off in the shower every morning a bunch of little abortions, you stupid prick? [Baltimore Sun]
• Congratulations, Plan B, on Your First Anniversary! Sure wish we could have met that one day last summer, when we forgot our ID at home and the pharmacist told us you weren't available unless we could prove that our old face was indeed over 18. [Salon]
• This is cool: the newly formed Afghan Midwives Association recruits and trains midwives to help combat the country's high maternal mortality rate. Poor women caring for other poor women, now that's feminism. [Our Bodies Our Blog]

• Winona Ryder is speaking out now about her shoplifting. Honestly? No one gives a shit. [People]
  
• In the UK, one in four 18-to-25-year olds cannot answer the following question: What is one eighth of 32? [BBC]
  
• Al-Qaeda said to be "stepping-up" its presence in the U.S. Please God, no one tell Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The thought of her ranting and raving about this is scarier than the threat of a terrorist act itself. [BBC]
  
• Memo to Hillary: The woman who is to be India's first female president - not so popular. [NYT]
  
• Harry Potter the book? Too long. Harry Potter the movie? Too heavy-handed. But Harry Potter the postage stamp? Now we're talking! [USA Today]

• And meanwhile, Harry Potter is also the latest problem to afflict Israel, with the new book being released on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. Religious leaders = not happy. And now we wonder, are there that many Orthodox rabbis worried about whether Snape is evil or not? [USA Today]
• The lawyer with TB who claimed he had no idea he was contagious had surgery to help treat his condition today. Um, too little too late, bub. [CNN]
• The current crop of Republican presidential candidates? Losers, all of 'em. [CNN]
• 2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

• There is no justice in the world: President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's jail sentence. [MSNBC]
  
• Pam Anderson is 40. And we are speechless. [People]
  
• Looking for a little real estate to invest in? How about Dracula's castle in Transylvania? It's the summer home that comes with vampires! (Garlic bulbs not included). [ABC News]
  
• A border collie named Smooch saved two drowning kayakers. And up in heaven, Lassie smiles. [USA Today]

• We actually screamed, "Holy shit!" out loud when we (thought) we saw a headline reading, "Bill Hits Hillary On Campaign Trail". Though that misreading would still have been less shocking than if we'd read it as "Bill Hits On Hillary On Campaign Trail." [BBC]
• It's official: Salman "No Longer Hiding Despite The Fatwa" Rushdie and Padma "Please Pack Up You Knives, Top Chef Contestants" Lakshmi have split. [CNN]
• Eva Peron (and Patti Lupone?) would be proud: Argentina's First Lady is running for president in her own right. And somewhere in Iowa, Hillary Clinton feels threatened. [NYT]
• Want to sleep less soundly tonight? Read on: That foiled London car bomb was designed to ensure female casualties. [Slate]
• Speaking of casualties, there have been 12 in the U.S. military since Friday. [DoD]