• Despite mourning her family tragedy, Jennifer Hudson is in the Gap's holiday ad campaign, wearing a bright red sweater and smiling. Gap gave J.Hud the option to back out, but she wanted to go ahead and have the ads run. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Jennifer Hudson writes on her MySpace blog: "I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Thank You All." [People]
• Beyoncé is on the cover of Seventeen and she certainly appears to have her wits about her. She says she would never get married before the age of 25. "I feel like you have to get to know yourself, know what you want, spend some time by yourself, and be proud of who you are before you can share that with someone else." Plus! She's super critical of herself: "I have my YouTube days, when I watch every performance," she says. "I listen to my music, and I watch my videos to figure out what I need to do, what I need to fix, and how to become a better singer." [People]
• Kate Winslet on her Vanity Fair pix: "The whole shoot was about doing the character. I feel like I was playing the part and not me — it doesn't feel like me. It took six hours to set up the lighting and the hair and make-up, because I obviously don't look like that all the time." [Daily Mail]
• The brother of the American Idol reject who killed herself outside the star's L.A. home is blaming Abdul for crushing his sister's dreams. "[Abdul] didn't speak up for her. She let everyone take her down," Charles McIntyre says. [NY Post]

• Madonna to Gwyneth Paltrow: Shut up! Her Magdesty is sick of Gwynnie saying she's "helping Madonna through her divorce." Madge allegedly told G: "If you want to help me and be supportive of me, then keep your mouth SHUT! Say nothing about me or my divorce." [National Enquirer]
• Madonna needs your help: She's building a school for girls in Malawi. [ET]
• It's official: The Obamas are the new Brangelina. [Politico]
• Barbara Walters did something right in letting Whoopi, Joy, Sherri and Elisabeth quarrel: The View is now the most watched show in daytime, after 12 years on the air. [Variety]
• The "report" about Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson getting married is "not true," according to LL's rep. [MSNBC]
• And here's a story about Sam getting pissed at Lindsay for flirting with some guy in Vegas. "Lindsay says she loves Sam more than anything but she just can't help that she is attracted to the opposite sex," says a spy. [The Sun]
• Oh, and Lindsay and Sam have a bulldog named Cadillac, who is "like their child." [Daily Express]
• Hmm, who's on the list of "Hollywood's Most Overexposed Celebrities"? Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Pamela Anderson, for starters. [Forbes]
• Daniel Craig made a flick called Flashbacks of a Fool which opened October 17, played in two theaters and is already on DVD. It made barely any money, but he's NAKED in it, hello. But Bond's getting all the attention. PS: Bond opens today! [Fox 411]
• Amy Winehouse spotted "on a rampage" and holding a bottle of vodka. Business as usual. [Daily Mail]
• Yikes! Naomi Campbell, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were on the same British Airways flight. Are there planes big enough for all that ego? [Page Six]
• There was a rumor that Blake Lively would be on the cover of Vogue, but it turned out she was on the cover of W instead; now comes word that she will indeed land the cover of the February issue of Vogue. Plus! Michelle Obama for the March issue?? [Fashionista]
• Beyoncé denies that she's the one who leaked a new track written for her by Justin Timberlake. There's audio of JT performing the song online. [Mirror]
• Elton John on Prop 8: "What is wrong with Proposition 8 is that they went for marriage. Marriage is going to put a lot of people off, the word marriage. I don't want to be married. I'm very happy with a civil partnership. If gay people want to get married, or get together, they should have a civil partnership. The word 'marriage,' I think, puts a lot of people off. You get the same equal rights that we do when we have a civil partnership. Heterosexual people get married. We can have civil partnerships."
  [USA Today]
• Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie: Totally seen talking! Do they no longer hate each other? [Page Six, Perez Hilton]
• Critics aren't sure if Britney Spears will actually be able to make a comeback. One music editor says: "Are they coming to see you because they think a train wreck is about to happen, or because they really like your music?" [Reuters]
• Hilary Duff is coming to NBC in a new, as yet to be determined show. Anyone ever see Material Girls? [Variety]
• Ed Norton plays twins in a comedic thriller; check out this picture of him talking to himself. [EW]
• 90210 spoiler alert: Highlight the hidden text if you want to know: Brenda's gonna die. [Perez Hilton]
• You guys: Russell Brand's flying his girlfriend to New York, because he misses her. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Off-camera catfights! Threatening voicemails! Drama! [TMZ]
• Hugh Jackman is a wounded soul, you guys. His mother deserted him and his four older siblings when he was a kid. "I do remember having terrible feelings, mainly of feeling really abnormal," he says. "Divorce wasn't common then and it was uncommon for the mother to leave, and I had a real feeling of embarrassment." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Australia had better be a blockbuster: Hugh Jackman just bought a £14.2 million New York apartment. [Daily Express]
• That commercial Catherine Zeta-Jones was filming in Prague? It's for shampoo. [The Sun]
• Meryl Streep: Starring in LibertyLibrary Cat, a movie about a stray kitty's impact on a town in Iowa. Yeah, a cat. Destined to be awesome? Or awesomely bad? [EW]
• This is an article in praise of Julianne Moore: "Where would we be without her?" [Guardian]
• Eminem's album is being delayed because he's being "obsessive." [The Sun]
• Taylor Swift says she knew about Joe Jonas dating Camilla Belle: "They've been together since we broke up. That's why we broke up — because he met her." Ouch. [Perez Hilton]
• Joe Jonas says: "I never cheated on a girlfriend. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on." Teen angst! [Yahoo News, People]
• Watch this: Yunjin Kim and Daniel Dae Kim on a beachy set, discussing their characters on Lost! [EW]
• Whoopi Goldberg will produce — but not star — in a London stage version of Sister Act. It's sort of a remake, with changes to update the story. [Yahoo News]
• Miley Cyrus's boyfriend still claims to be "just a family friend." Sure, sure. [Perez Hilton]
• Ben Stiller's daughter Ella has playdates with Suri Cruise. Ben's wife, Christine Taylor says: "It's like any other play date. I mean [Suri's] amazing and [Tom and Katie] are terrific. And when little kids get together you just let them do their thing, there's no outside elements. Ella likes being the older sister—and we haven't had many [play-dates] but whoever's children that they're playing with, it's always a great thing to see your kids connecting." [NY Observer]
• The CIA gives "advice" to many Hollywood films, and this story claims "no one is truly sure about the extent of its shadowy involvement." Dun dun dun! [Guardian]
• CSI fans are not happy about William Peterson leaving the show. 37% said they would not watch once Petersen, who plays night shift supervisor Gil Grissom, leaves midway through the season. He's being replaced by Laurence Fishburne. [Reuters]
• Linda Hogan says Hulk Hogan purposely handed over the rights to his Hulk Hogan brands to his best friend Eric Bischoff so she can't get any cash from the profits. Messy stuff. [TMZ]
• Sad face: Benicio del Toro's dad is super sick. BDT flew to Puerto Rico to be with him. [Rush & Molloy]
• A woman who claims Shaquille O'Neal stalked and threatened her has withdrawn her request for a restraining order. Change of heart? Secret settlement? [TMZ]
• Jodi Sweetin, aka Stephanie from Full House, just signed a six-figure deal to publish her addiction memoir. Did playing second banana to the Olsen twins drive her to drugs? [NY Observer]
• Speaking of book deals, Sarah Silverman is writing something and there's a bidding war going on. [Observer]
• Last season it was a tornado; the year before it was a "supermarket standoff" — this year, the Desperate Housewives stunt is a ravaging fire. [Yahoo News]
• Ryan O'Neal and his son have delayed entering pleas in their felony drug cases until after the new year. Attorneys asked the judge for more time to review evidence. [Yahoo News]
• Terrence Howard's mom died in September and he's trying to get back on track.
  "I know that I have been quiet but I had a lot going on," he wrote on his MySpace blog. "But I am slowly pulling it together." [People]
• Whoa: Annie Lennox has two teenage daughters? They went to the preview of the Comme Des Garcons collection for H&M. They's so pretty! [Daily Express]
• Porn legend Heather Hunter convinced a judge to toss out a plagiarism suit; another writer claimed Hunter's novel is a ripoff. The girl's-quest-for-stardom-leads-her-to-porn plot is maybe not that unusual. [NY Daily News]
• Why are people tracking down Elvis's 71-year-old ex-girlfriend? [Guardian]
• The Beatles' former road manager, Tony Bramwell, says: "I have no axe to grind against Yoko. I wanted to let Beatles fans know the real stories about what it was like when Yoko came into John’s life and the problems she caused for the Beatles, their fans, and the staff at Apple." [Daily Express]
• What recession? Lars Ulrich paid $14 million for sold a Jean Michel Basquiat painting yesterday. [Yahoo News]
• Got a tens of thousands of dollars to spend? Photographs of Angelina Jolie, Kate Moss and Britney Spears are up for auction at Christie's. [Telegraph]
• "Money is certainly going to dry up for a lot of people on a lot of fronts, especially in the giving area. But I believe art can survive, it's like grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk. No matter what the economic conditions, art will always survive. I'm hopeful that the more art gets realized as an important factor in the world we live in, more and more people will donate some money and maybe, more importantly, time to the quest." — Robert Redford. [Reuters]
• "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan." — ever-humble Kanye West. [USA Today]
• "I'll watch anything with Helen Mirren in it. Especially when she was young. I mean, come on! I love Helen. I watch The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover at least four times a year." - -Samuel L. Jackson. [Daily Express]
• "You could say that being yelled at by Janis Joplin was one of the great honors of my life. […] Janis didn't dress like anyone else, and she definitely didn't sing like anyone else. Janis put herself out there completely, and her voice was not only strong and soulful, it was painfully and beautifully real." — Stevie Nicks. [Rolling Stone]
• "The baby comes wherever I go, and I just like looking at her, watching her breathe. I stand over her crib and watch her breathe. It's pathetic. My mum says I'm over-bonded. I don't care. I'm just very bonded right now." — Nicole Kidman. [USA Today]
• "All of the critics who gave me one star less than full marks should eat shit and die. It’s like your mother knitting you a sweater and you telling her it was only worth seven out of ten. Music is a gift — it shouldn’t get a rating." — Kanye West. [The Sun]
• "I guess I’m lucky. Genetically, I’m like my mum and she looked great right up until her death in 1989. But I think the real secret is that I am very, very happy. I have a wonderful new husband and we’re very compatible. I’m having the best time and I’m in a great place emotionally." — Olivia Newton-John, on why she looks so good. [Mirror]
• "I was inspired to become a citizen of the U.S. by Barack Obama and his vision of the future. Although I missed being able to vote for him on Tuesday, being sworn in as a citizen knowing he is the next president made me so proud. I am now an American. If McCain and [Sarah] Palin had won, I may have stayed in bed." — Alan Cumming, who became an American last week. [Page Six]
• "I'm just going through balancing [living without my mom]. And I always used to have that support system, you know. My mom would be there; no matter what, she was there before everything. We were together for like 30 years. And you know now when I'm on that stage and I look out and I say, 'What am I going to do with the rest of my life?' Like when does a real life start?' Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I'm not trying to shun that in any way, but it's definitely a Catch-22 and it's bittersweet." — Kanye West. [USA Today]

Studio City, CA. October 11. Image via Flynet.

• Michael Phelps will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Um, swimming skits? Will you watch if he's not bare-chested? Just asking. [Yahoo News]
• Lindsay Lohan responds to the stuff her dad's been saying: "He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love." [Perez Hilton]
• Sam Ronson responds to LL's dad too: "i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible… i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter… i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life… i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him… i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…" There's more! [Perez Hilton]
• Hilary Duff's dad was sentenced to 10 days in jail for contempt of court for violating a court order that prohibited him from selling off assets without the consent of his estranged wife, Susan. Susan was requesting $25,000 to celebrate Hilary's 21st birthday (9/28), and pretty much calling Bob Duff a deadbeat dad for not paying up. On one hand, surely Hilary has her own cash? On the other hand, a father has to do what a father is legally obligated to do. He was taken from the courtroom in handcuffs… [Yahoo News]

• No Britney at the MTV Awards? "Contrary to media reports, Britney was never slated to perform on this year's VMAs," Brit's manager, Larry Rudolph, says. "She's in the middle of recording her next album, which is going amazingly well, and her focus remains on the studio." So why was she in the commercials with Russell Brand and an elephant? Is this an elaborate ruse? [AP]
• Ladies, listen up: Gerard Butler likes women to make the first move. "I am for equal opportunities. Why should it be the guy's job to kiss? If a woman wants to kiss she should totally do that. I think it is awesome when women take the lead. I love that idea." Oh and click the link to see a very nice (and by nice I mean shirtless) pic. [ONTD]
• Woody Allen had dinner with Jennifer Aniston. Could she replace Scarlett Johansson as his new film muse? [Yahoo News]
• Solange Knowles: "I have to say, that was not a very professional introduction before. Please don’t tie me into family and my brother-in-law’s establishment." News anchor: "That wasn't live, Solange. That wasn't on live TV." Yes, there is video. [Just Jared]
• Kate Moss naked in Interview magazine. [The.Life Files]
• Britney may not be at the MTV awards, but Katy Perry will be. And MTV producers are looking for a lady she can kiss while she sings, "I Kissed A Girl." They want Lindsay Lohan. Think it's gonna happen? [E!]
• Salma Hayek's ex-fiancé and baby daddy, billionaire heir François-Henri Pinault, has a new ladyfriend, equestrian Virginie Couperie. Here are pictures of them enjoying a "saucy holiday romp in Tuscany." The ONTD commenters have proclaimed Virginie a "downgrade." [Rush & Molloy]
• Naomi Campbell's beau, Russian billionaire Vladimir Doronin dropped $18.5 million on a penthouse apartment for Naomi in Sao Paolo. She's thinking of settling down in Brazil. [Page Six]
• So you know how there's a transgender contestant this cycle on America's Next Top Model? Janice Dickinson says: "I did it on my show first with Claudia (Charriez). But you know what? There’s not going to be a moment where Tyra’s not going to knock me off, so I’m not bothered by her." [MSNBC]
• Bonnie Hunt says her new show will be "full of humor and definitely accessibility, curiosity and spontaneity." She also says: "It's not so much celebrating other people's bad moments in daytime television, which has been a trend for a long time, but almost celebrating what really makes us laugh, what makes us feel very human and normal at the top of who we are, not necessarily at the bottom of who we are." [Reuters]
• Ben Affleck's been texting buddy/new dad Matt Damon from the DNC and Matt and his wife are "thrilled" about their new daughter, FYI. [People]
• Some dude has rammed his car into the gates of the Playboy Mansion twice in the last two weeks, according to the LAPD. Think he's trying to get to the grotto? [LA Times]
• Suge Knight was arrested and charged with assault after punching his girlfriend and pulling a knife on her. Death Row, indeed. [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling may not be appearing on the new 90210, but what about 42-year-old Luke Perry? The new ladies in the cast say: "Oh. My. God. I love Dylan McKay" and "Are you kidding me? He's an amazing-looking man. Sexy!" Oh, and in unrelated news, new 9er AnnaLynne McCord, who played Eden on Nip/Tuck likes guns. "My birthday is next week and I'm getting the 380 Ruger and a .38 revolver." [Yahoo News]
• Oh, and the new 90210 might be pretty racy. Shannen Doherty says: "All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a blow job in the first episode." Doherty and Jennie Garth both dish in this interview. [EW, ONTD]
• A retired sheriff allegedly broke into Chris Cornell's home, wandered from room to room and urinated in a corner. He was hired by Cornell's ex-wife as a process server. Talk about pissed off. [TMZ]
• Relations between Madonna and Elton John have been frosty since he accused her of lip-syncing four years ago. But! He went to her concert in Nice last night and they totes made up and are homies again, though Elton cracked, "I'll be found dead of uranium poisoning in three days." [Mirror]
• Russell Simmons told his yoga teacher her classes had gotten too easy and were for "pussies," so she amped it up; he was seen collapsing into the fetal position. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss's neighbors are in a spot of bother about a large crack that has appeared in the wall bordering her back garden. The wall could collapse, etc. Also, the paper just wanted to make "Kate Moss Crack Problem" jokes. [Mirror]
• Jerry Seinfeld's lawyers read papers in court yesterday claiming that Jerry did not slander the woman who accused his wife of ripping off her cookbook. He was just trying to get laughs, mocking frivolous lawsuits. His lawyers are trying to get the defamation suit against him tossed out; Jerry called author Missy Chase Lapine a "wacko" and "mentally unhinged celebrity stalker." [NY Post]
• Paul McCartney will perform in Israel for the first time, more than 40 years after the Beatles were blocked from giving a concert in the country. [Reuters]
• Steve Foley, who played drums with the Replacements, has died. He was 49. He accidentally overdosed on prescription medication. [Reuters]
• Neil Diamond performed earlier this week and his voice was raspy, so he's offering the audience at the Ohio concert a refund. Build me up, buttercup! [Reuters]
• A toxicology test has been ordered in the death of Dr. Dre's son. [People]
• "I haven't had this much fun since my ex-mother-in-law fell in a well" — Janice Dickinson, as she danced with models, celebrating the new season of her show. [Page Six]
• "I'm no Meryl Streep." — Kim Kardashian. [USA Today]
• "Just be polite. Listen to them and give them anything they want. You can't go wrong." Pete Doherty on picking up chicks. [Mirror]
• "[Miley Cyrus] is just a little too tarty, forgive me. I don’t want her to look like she’s going into a convent school, but it’s just a little too much for a 15-year-old. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was 25." — Tim Gunn. [MNSBC]
• "I couldn't do what Brad and Angie are doing. I wouldn't have the patience or dedication you need to take care of a family. I admire those qualities in other people but it's not for me. I'm doing exactly what I want to. I hang out with the same friends, I spend time in Italy, and then I go back to work. I try not to worry about anything else." — George Clooney. [Mirror]

[Los Angeles, June 29. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Sarah Jessica Parker, The Ivy Chronicles: Parker is in talks with Warner Bros. to star in the film version of the eponymous novel by Karen Quinn. The film centers around a woman living in New York (we know) who gets divorced and loses her cushy job and is forced to move downtown and pull her kids out of private school (the horror!). Ivy then starts a business to help upper-middle-class women get their children into posh kindergartens. What a saint. Verdict: You would think SJP would like to branch out of these class-concious, NY-single-rich-white-woman roles but apparently she has no desire to stop spreading crap to women across the world. All that aside, this sounds like a victim role.

• Hilary Duff, Stay Cool: Hilary Duff still acts? Duff will play a supporting role in this upcoming Polish brothers comedy, described as a "knowing-your-age comedy." A successful author (Mark Polish) will deliver a high school commencement speech and be seduced by a sexy high school senior (Duff) who invites him to her prom. Wow! A young gal flirting with a successful older writer - sounds realistic! (At least in the minds of the male thirtysomethings who constantly write about it.) Verdict: Duff's role is minor and certainly the "babe" one of the film, so she could be any version of various cliches depending on how she plays it.

• Tilda Swinton, The Ghost: Swinton will star alongside Nicolas Cage and Pierce Brosnan in this new film by Roman Polanksi. The film centers around Cage, who plays the ghostwriter for a former prime minister in England who is writing his memoirs, but all of his ghostwriters seem to end up dead. Swinton will play the PM's wife who falls for Cage's character as her marriage crumbles. Verdict: We really love Swinton but this role could border on a hooker-victim role. But, again, it depends on how she plays it.

• Christina Ricci, The Hero Of Color City: Ricci is the first cast member to be announced for this new animated CG feature. She will play the role of a "timid crayon" called (and we can only assume, is) Yellow. The plot of the film revolves around a group of crayons whose "colorful world is threatened by an evil tyrant." Verdict: We know that stereotypes can be found in kid's films as well, but she is playing a crayon. Probably no real stereotype to speak of.

• Lily Rabe, All Good Things: Rabe joins the cast of this upcoming thriller that includes Kirsten Dunst and Ryan Gosling. The film centers on a NY real estate scion (Gosling) who gets involved with a girl from the wrong side of town (Dunst) before she disappears. Secrets are revealed, and Rabe will play one of Gosling's character's friends who knows some of those secrets. Verdict: Honestly, her role sound so part of the exposition of the story that we doubt she will be even given a stereotype to play. Rabe is probably safe with this one.

"Movie And TV Studios Brace For An Actor's Strike" [NYT]
"Sarah jessica Parker Lines Up 'Ivy'" [THR]
"Hilary Duff Joins 'Cool' School" [THR]
"Cage, Brosnan See Polanski's 'Ghost'" [Variety]
"Christina Ricci Joins 'Her' Voice Cast" [THR]
"Lily Rabe" [Variety]

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Denigrating a woman's looks for not being stereotypically "feminine"
The Evidence: "Can't she get that fixed??? Rumer Willis, aspiring "actress", attended the 2008 Crystal Lucy Women in Film Awards in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. Seriously, isn't there surgery where you can shave down your jaw??? We're sure some trannys have gotten it done to make themselves look more "feminine." Plastic surgery is not always a bad thing. Rumer should look into it! And, while she's there, she might wanna get her nose done too!" What did Rumer Willis ever do to Perez? She is a constant target for him — he takes every possible opportunity to criticize her for no reason. His continued denigration of alternative sexuality (last week: dissing Samantha Ronson, this week, implying Rumer Willis is a "tranny") make his gay-rights advocacy totally suspect. Apparently he only wants respect and rights for himself not for the actual community.
The Punishment: A kick in the nards from Rumer's dad, Bruce. He looks like he does not suffer fools gladly.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Equating bisexuality/stripping with prostitution.
The Evidence:"Here’s Tila Tequila rockin’ a tight purple dress like it was my birthday outside Mr. Chow’s restaurant. Now people are saying that Tila isn’t bisexual and making a big deal about it. But let me tell you something, every girl I’ve ever met who was willing to take their clothes off for money was also willing to dyke out for money too. So enough with this nonsense that she’s a fake. Girl is open for business." I'm no fan of Ms. Tequila's but the assumption that she is gay for pay is just tasteless.
The Punishment: Having to watch 72 straight hours of Ms. Tequila's A Shot of Love, Clockwork Orange-style, with eyes forced open the entire time.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Felony body snarking
The Evidence: "Top fitness experts recommend hot dogs for breakfast, and it must be the key to how Hilary Duff has shed her unwanted sexiness for a more lumpy and waddling figure. As you can see here when she met her mom for breakfast at Papoos hot dog stand in Toluca Lake yesterday. Damn. This chick used to be so cute. Now she looks like she’s halfway through a sex change. " Ugh. Hilary Duff, like every other goddamn woman, has weight fluctuations. So effing what. She is still adorable and you can fuck off.
The Punishment: Must live on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for 3 weeks.

The Accused: Yeeah
The Crime: misdemeanor body snarking
The Evidence: "Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!" Sigh. See what we said about Hilary Duff. Also: fuck off.
The Punishment: Jessica Simpson's cowboy boot inserted directly in anus.

The Accused: Our old pal, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Raging homophobia, sexism, racism, probably a bunch of -isms that haven't been invented yet.
The Evidence: A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn’t really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin’ bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don’t want no faggots ’round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won’t be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore…[H]ere is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore. All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can’t give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry…" Look, we understand that the Drunken Stepfather says outrageous things on purpose in order to rile people up. But it's unfunny, it's tired, and it's mostly just sad. Putting on an over-the-top racist persona in order to get attention is actually fucking pathetic.
The Punishment: Being miniaturized and having to hang out in Matthew's reportedly unwashed armpit for all eternity.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Good:
Eve is elegant in basic black.

Let me admit right now that I've always been confused as to when exactly Nicole Richie became respectable. Is it when Rachel Zoe styled her? When she hooked up with Joel Madden? Neither of these things seems like the a passport to elegance, but that's why I'm not an A-lister. Anyway, I really like the caftans she's been working lately.

An unfortunate instance of pee-pee stance, but the simple elegance of Rosario Dawson's Little Black shines through.

I think we can all acknowledge that at times Chloe Sevigny's embrace of the avant-garde can be… Less than flattering. This frock provides interest, but remains wearable.

The Bad:

I think Eva Mendes' coral-colored velvet sack speaks for itself.

I just don't get it. I mean, these women's stylists must bring them, like, multiple options, right? And Fergie put this one on and everyone gasped and was like, "That's it!"?

Kimora Lee Simmons (does she still go by "Simmons?") eschews quiet good taste. Or loud good taste.
Words cannot express the depth of my hatred for this shoe trend. And if there were nothing else horrid about it, it foreshortens the leg of a petite dame like Hilary Duff.

The Ugly:

"The Ugly is kind of like the grand prize," mused a friend of mine the other day. If this is true, Lady Victoria Hervey wins it.

Images via Getty

• After much consideration I have decided that I do not care at all what the personal footwear choices of the Sex and the City stars say about their personalities. [LA Times]
  
• Speaking of Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker says that her son only wears his older cousin's hand-me-downs and has never been given new clothes, other than shoes. [US Weekly]
  
• Another day, more people fired from ELLE. This time, on the dot-com side. Maybe Nina will give them jobs over at Marie Claire? [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Rachel Zoe does not want to talk about being disinvited from the Met Costume Institute Gala thankyouverymuch. [US Weekly]
  
• In case you were wondering, Cindy Crawford will be celebrating Mother's Day with breakfast in bed. [Reuters]

• Christy Turlington, however, thinks that Mother's Day should be about activism and used as a platform for taking action against the AIDS crisis. [HuffPo]
• Hilary Duff just loves being old: "I am so excited that I'm finally at an age where they want me on the cover!" says Duff regarding her turn in Allure. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Lancome and Uma Thurman: Suing one another. Good times in the cosmetics industry. [AP]
• Chanel is opening an "ephemeral" boutique on London's Dover Street. Says Krazy Karl Lagerfeld, "The tone is at the same time post-modern and romantic. It integrates a delicate punk sophistication." [Vogue UK]
• Rachel Zoe loves expensive shit. [NYDailyNews]
• I don't care that she landed Johnny Depp, I still love Vanessa Paradis. [Sassybella]
• Camper shoes; Now for the ladies. [Times of London]
• Ginger Spice: Wears clothes from Topshop. [The Sun UK]

The Good:
It's no secret that I'm gaga for potter Jonathan Adler and his husband, Barneys New York creative director Simon Doonan. Even though I would have never have guessed that Adler is the Big Pony type.
I have no idea what Katharine McPhee has done since American Idol, but she looks great here.
Allure editor-in-chief Linda Wells looks smart in basic black.
Sorry, but I am in love with Olivia Palmero's shoes.
Paula Patton? Pretty!


The Bad:
Andrew Saffir and Valesa Guerrand Hermes definitely have the best names of anyone at the event, but I just can't get behind a woman who lets a man wear a lemon sports coat.
Dear: Carey Lowell: Has Richard done something to convince you that you should wear frumpy old lady clothes?


The Ugly:
Is it just me, or is there something bad wrong with the way the top of Hilary Duff's dress is cut?
Who is Nikki Anders and why is she wearing this? Best not wear a silver trash bag out on the town.
Same goes for Rachel Zoe.

[Images via Getty.]

The Good:
Christy Turlington glows in a red dress in an unexpected silhouette.
Emily Mortimer went a little gladiator for the superhero theme.
Stella McCartney and Kate Moss shine perfectly.
Camilla Belle looks wrapped in clouds.
If I were Christina Ricci, I would never ever ever take this dress off. Ever. It is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Love. Speechless. Sigh.
Diane Kruger looks a little bit like the Tin Man, but I love that she went for a short dress. Also, love love the shoes.
Iman. Always perfect. What else is new?
Kate Mara! Yellow! Yes! Yes!
Tom Cruise looks weirder than normal, but Katie Holmes looks fantastic, which of course I hate to say. But there's no denying all that red.
Dear Mischa Barton: Strip and give me that dress right now. Kthanxbai.
Please God let my face age like Natasha Richardson's.
Rachel Bilson looks like a total freak and I love. Clearly, she mistook "superheroes" to mean "Morticia Addams."
ScarJo is simultaneously old school and somewhat infantalized in her D&G but she looks hot, so good for her.
I still am not entirely sure who Taylor Swift is, but I like her chainmail-esque dress.
Sorry, you just can't hate on Victoria Beckham.
Emmy Rossum is a head-turner in this black-and-white floral frock.
Claudia Schiffer's dress is downright ethereal. Valentino is downright orange.
Ellen Barkin manages to always play it classy.
Jessica Stam is sorta a bad ass!
Michelle Trachtenberg? Or Liza at Studio 54?
Molly Sims must know my weakness for the color yellow.
Call me a crazy motherfucker, but Wendi Deng looks incredible.
Almost-goth Amanda Peet is fabulous.
Um, I love that Amber Valetta's dress has wings.
I totally heart you and your kick-ass black dress Ashley Olsen.
Can we discuss how awesome it is that Barbara Walters is there with Charlie Rose?
Claire Danes is sorta channeling Angela here, no?
This is seriously the best I have ever seen Fergie look.
Yeah, same for Hilary Duff.
Lake Bell went for it.
Lauren Bush is one class act in royal purple.
Margherita Missoni: Crazy-awesome.
Michelle Monahagan should only ever wear copper. Wow.
Paula Patton: Pretty.
Sofia's shiny drop-waisted number is delightful.
Tilda Swinton? Or Mr. Roboto?
Vera Wang and Karolina Kurkova play their metallics en suite.
Be my flamenco dancer, Ingrid van der Bosch.
Maggie Gyllenhaal knows you gotta go big or go home.
Venus Williams is a beacon of light.
Be still my heart, Zoe Kravitz-as-a-Clara Bow.
Bee Shaffer's dress is phenomenal. But why is Andre Leon Talley relegated to straightening her train?!

[Images via Getty.]

[Los Angeles, May 1. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• LOL headline of the day: "Jay-Z Leaves New Wife Beyoncé At Home To Watch Basketball." OMG you guys, he went somewhere without her! [Mirror]
  
• Is Beyoncé wearing gloves so we can't see her damn wedding ring? [Concrete Loop]
  
• Amy Winehouse is the headlining act this Saturday at a festival on the Isle Of Wight. Will she shout out Blake Incarcerated? [Mirror]
  
• Rosie O'Donnell talked about her time on The View on The Martha Stewart Show yesterday: "There was people there telling me what to do. There was a little Republican who scared me." [People]
  
• A fence along the Mexican border "bears all the credibility and seriousness of flying saucers from Mars or leprechauns. Or any manner of malicious, paranoid superstition. In other words, it's bullshit. It's a complete disaster. It's an act of fascist madness." — Tommy Lee Jones. [Page Six]

• Paul McCartney is taking 4-year-old daughter Bea on vacation, and Heather Mills has extremely specific instructions as to what Bea can eat, since she's a strict vegan. Good times. [Mirror]
• A Boston priest has apologized for stalking TV host Conan O'Brien, thank God. [Reuters]
• Tom Cruise's probably-crappy Nazi movie, Valkyrie, has been pushed back a third time — it won't come out until February 2009. The flick has bad buzz, cost $90 million and isn't really finished. Box office poison? [Page Six]
• Funnyman and hot Scot Craig Ferguson is headlining the White House Correspondents Dinner, which he's calling "probably the single most dangerous gig in show business." Good luck! [Page Six]
• For Hugh Hefner's birthday, Pamela Anderson showed up in his Vegas hotel room naked and holding a cake. Medic! [Page Six]
• Ooh, decades-old gossip! Mickey Mantle maybe said Doris Day was one of the best fucks of his life. [Page Six]
• Hilary Duff dropping a scorpion down her pants in a scene from a political satire is getting lots of views on YouTube. Related: People are bored. [Page Six]
• Gossip Girl gossip: The Asian girl is off the show! Is it because Leighton Meester (Blair) didn't like her? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which divorced celebs, who still share a PR, are driving the poor flack crazy trying to plant mean stories about each other?" [Gatecrasher]
• Sex And The City feud rumors persist: How come SJP was seated at one table and all of her costars were at a different table a gala on Monday night? [Rush & Molloy]
• By the way, Sarah Jessica Parker says sexiness comes from "confidence and brains — but I think confidence has a lot to do with it as there are a lot of versions of sexy." [Mirror]
• "Gwyneth Paltrow can eat a lot. She can eat a good amount of food for such a skinny movie star. She can out-eat me in rice dishes, like paella." —Mario Batali. [Rush & Molloy]
• Speaking of Gwynnie and food, she threw a Mexican fiesta for her son Moses, who turned two on Tuesday. "He loves guacamole," she says. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard is suing her for $55,000 worth of back pay. Get those bills paid, girl! [Rush & Molloy]
• Mary-Louise Parker and Weeds costar Jeffrey Morgan have broken off their engagement. Sigh. [People]
• Patrick Swayze is having an "excellent" response to treatment for pancreatic cancer. Be well! [People]
• Nekkid Hairy Potter is coming to town! Daniel Radcliffe will debut on Broadway in September in a reprise of his London role in Equus. [ONTD]
• Richard Gere calls his kiss with Indian star Shilpa Shetty "a badge of somewhat insane courage." Meanwhile, he was in San Francisco yesterday for a pro-Tibet rally — right before the Olympic torch is due in that town today. [Reuters]
• Perez Hilton is getting his own radio show. Twice daily, for three minutes, starting May 5. [Yahoo News]

[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You]

[Los Angeles, February 12. Photo via X17.]

• After driving to the courthouse for her custody hearing yesterday and arriving extremely late, Britney ended up not going inside. [TMZ]
  
• As Britney left the courthouse, she said, "I'm scared." Then she made a brief stop inside the Little Brown Church in Studio City. "She wasn't even there for long, just in and out," says assistant pastor Michael Kosik. And even though Brit was wearing white she "did not try to get married." Well thank God. "I think she just needed to get away," the pastor adds. Later she had lunch. [People]
  
• The commissioner on Brit's case has ruled that Britney will not have visitation rights restored — at least until the next hearing on February 19. Of course, it would help if she made it inside the courtroom. [TMZ]
  
• Joel Madden says Harlow Winter Kate Madden "looks so much like her mom (Nicole Richie) it's crazy!" He adds, "I suck when it comes to diapers, but I'm learning." [PageSix.com]

• Dennis Quaid gave an exclusive interview to the Los Angeles Times, saying that he and his wife watched in terror after their twins were given 1,000 times the recommended dose of the blood thinner heparin. Long, terrifying story, with details like, "At one point, as a bandage was being changed, blood spurted from the area around Thomas' clipped umbilical cord and hit a wall about 5 feet away, Quaid, 53, remembered." [LA Times]
• ABC execs are upset that Katie Holmes appeared on Good Morning America and Diane Sawyer only asked questions and about her hair and clothes — nothing about the new Andrew Morton book; nothing about Suri being the spawn of L. Ron Hubbard, boo. [Page Six]
• Grammy-winning singer Jill Scott liked the look of a male model on a photo shoot; later she was seen having dinner with him. Hot! [Page Six]
• Chloe Sevigny on her TV dad Harry Dean Stanton: "He never recognizes me. But, whatever, he's 86 years old. And he still likes to party... I think he comes to the set sometimes straight from the party." [Page Six]
• Did Jessica Simpson's father tip off the photographers to Jess and Tony Romo's location in Mexico — and get a cut of the profits? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which acting legend in a current release once offered a national beauty queen a vial of cocaine during a daytime golf round? While the lady declined, he seemed not to realize his coke had been clogged with moisture and sticky globs fell out of his schnoz the rest of the afternoon." [Gatecrasher]
• Another reason to love Johnny Depp: He visited Great Ormond Street Hospital (where his daughter was treated when her kidneys failed after E. coli poisoning) and donated £1million. [Mirror]
• In case you missed it the first time, MSNBC is reporting last week's midweek madness news: That Jamie Lynn Spears has been dumped by her baby-daddy, Casey Aldridge. Yawn. [MSNBC]
• Um, they're also reporting that the National Enquirer says Reese Witherspoon has accepted Jake Gyllenhaal's marriage proposal. Yeah... No. Not likely. [MSNBC]
• The upcoming season of American Idol means that people are betting on how many assistants Paula Abdul will go through. "Some people would last weeks, others just days," says a source. [MSNBC]
• Hilary Duff denies that she was lip-synching at a concert in Mexico, despite footage of her moving her lips but no sounds coming out. "It was faulty equipment," her peeps claim. [People]
• Eva Longoria's unsolicited update on her womb: "I'm not pregnant." Thanks for the info. [People]
• Singer Annie Lennox has been dropped by her record label. "They totally ignored me. It was bizarre, a kick in the teeth," she says. "They didn't even pick up phone calls or emails for three weeks." Now the song "Why" is stuck in our head. This is the book I never read, these are the words I never said! This is he path I'll never tread, these are the dreams I'll dream instead... [Mirror]
• Do these pictures of Mark Ronson on his way to Amy Winehouse's flat show him carrying a packet of cocaine? [This Is London]
• Michael Stipe got himself out of jury duty in Athens, GA. Lucky duck. [AP]

The slant of this writer's handwriting is basically straight up and down, an indication that she thinks first and acts later, at least most of the time. Yet there are times when the slant is somewhat to the left (introverted and little sharing of deepest feelings) and to the right (responsive emotionally). There is an immaturity about the inconsistency of the writing that is probably because she is so young (just 20).

Her printing indicates she wants to be understood clearly by others, and the printing (rather than cursive) is her way of doing that. But at times her writing intertwines with letters above and below, which indicates a tendency to occasional confusion.

She is very intuitive (she jumps over several steps of logical reasoning to come to trustworthy conclusions) which speeds up her naturally methodical method of thinking. She is not a deep prober; she takes matters as they are and deals with them, much of the time with "gut" instincts.

The straight down-strokes of the "y" formation indicate that she is essentially a "loner" who, while she can be with others, actually prefers to be alone.

Her goals are very practical, and she sets them where she knows she can reach them. She has no particular interest in stretching for pie in the sky, nor does she take the easiest way out.

The close, round dots over her letters "i" indicate both loyalty (not that often seen) and strict attention to details. She holds on tightly to what she believes in (see final hooks on the "f's" of her last name) but not to the point of stubbornness; she is open-mined and will allow new ideas into her mind without hindrance by preconceptions.

She is very direct and does not like to waste time (no wind-up strokes on any letters).

Now and then you see a partly formed lower loop on her "g" formations, a sign that she has the ability to generate creative ideas, but seldom follows entirely through with them.

She has the ability to speak expressively, but more significantly she knows how to listen, which is probably a key to her early success.

Earlier: Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
Cosmo Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted
Cosmo Cover Girl Jessica Alba: Emotionally Unavailable, Intuitive, Creatively-Unfulfilled

According to author Susan Gregory Thomas, whose new book is titled Buy Buy Baby, young children are learning how to recognize the main character of TV shows at a very young age, preparing them to yearn for all the toys and products being sold with that character's face on them.

These characters are brands, so what we have is the creation of the very youngest consumers in the history of the United States. That's the thesis of the book. Under the auspices of education value and development, there is a very broadly gauged marketing effort being leveled at infants and toddlers.

[On the set of "Greta," New Jersey, October 12. Image via INF.]

[LAX, September 27. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Britney's photo shoot/talk with OK! magazine was a total disaster! The interview was a "meltdown," the photos are "so bad they could kill her career," she wiped fried chicken grease on a Gucci dress and used a Chanel dress to pick up puppy poo! How badly do you want to see those pix, y'all?!?! [TMZ]
  
• Kelly Clarkson kind of regrets being so snotty to Clive Davis when he didn't like her album... since fans didn't really like it either![PageSix]
  
• O.J. Simpson's lawyer's daughter/sex tape star Kim Kardashian did something completely out of character and posed for Playboy. [PageSix]
  
• Diddy is heartbroken about his baby mama leaving him, so, naturally, he wrote a song and made a video about his pain. [PageSix]

• It's not weird that the head of Scientology went to the Beckhams' "Welcome To L.A." party thrown by Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. It's weird that "everyone was eating cupcakes." Posh, near sugar? [PageSix]
• Are Greek families uniting against Paris Hilton? [Rush&Molloy]
• Is Usher going to marry his knocked up fiancée this weekend? [Rush&Molloy, 2nd item]
• Hilary Duff made a little girl cry. [Gatecrasher]
• Yay! Blind item: "Which rocker half of a married couple had a steady boyfriend for years before his headline-making nuptials with his famous girlfriend?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Paris is finally doing some charity: She went to an auction and won a surfing lesson. [People]
• Bob Barker called Drew Carey with advice on hosting The Price Is Right. [ET]
• Did Lindsay Lohan bet her friends that she could bed David Beckham? [TheSun]
• Lily Allen on Courtney Love: "One night with her made me realise why Kurt killed himself." [TheSun]
• Pete Doherty checked into rehab wearing two hats. [Mirror]
• Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe turned 18, can now spend the $19 million he's earned. He plans to buy a CD or a DVD. [Mirror]
• Snoop Dogg to Flavor Flav: "You look like one of my blunts, but smaller." [ComedyCentral]

[Hollywood, July 12. Image via x17]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly

• Cover story: How Hilary Did It! (pages 48-51) More summer dieting tips from the stars! It's funny how many different ways magazine editors can reprint and repackage the simple idea of "eat less calories and exercise more." So anyway, Hilary Duff was fat? She also decides to take the high road when asked about Joel Madden's future baby with professional trainwreck Nicole Richie, saying he'll be a "great dad" (page 51). Aw!
• Precociously trainwrecky jailbird Jason Wahler will be making a few bloated appearances on The Hills this season. Oh we cannot wait!
• Victoria Beckham claims that she "can get a muffin" (page 14). Right, but what to do with it?
• Pamela Anderson looks back at her life in bikinis (pages 56-59) including two marriages in swimsuits! Pamela says that her marriage with Kid Rock seems "like it never even happened" (page 57). It's probably better that way.
• Some NASCAR guy and his wife spawned (pages 66-67).

Star

• Cover story: Nicole's Baby in Danger! (pages 48-51) Nicole Richie might have problems with her unborn baby's health because her body is pumped full of booze and muscle relaxants. Oh no! The mag quotes Nicole on Letterman as saying "I'm scared" with regards to mommydom rather than the actual context, her possible jail time. Is it Romenesko-y of us to catch them on that? Also: Joel Madden goes to seedy Thai "massage" parlors in Studio City (he likes his ladies a little bit syphilised these days!!) then redeems himself for all of that — plus breaking Hilary Duff's heart plus any unprosecuted murders he may have committed — by telling Spencer Pratt he's going to kick his ass (page 51). Swoon.
• What's this! A missing page! Ah, the Lohan Lesbo Love story Moe is in heat over right now.
• The mag cautions Drew Barrymore on her new love with vomitous Zach Braff (he'll "hit on anything with two legs," you know). Also: Did you know he cheated on Mandy Moore? Page 18! Oh please do not spoil our illusions about Zach Braff, media!
• Rachel Ray is having problems with her "lawyer/rock musician" husband whose "dark side" manifests itself in a habit of paying women to spit and rub their feet on him.
• Best and Worst Plastic Surgery! (pages 54-65): An eleven-page spread on all the boob jobs, nose jobs, and "man surgery" (not what you think!) that the stars get! Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie win for "best nose job," Gwen Stefani's padded bra gets her added to alleged boob jobbers, and Donatella Versace tries to disguise her cocaine-abused nose with some horrible, horrible surgery. Also, 'Worst surgeries': Not for the delicate of stomach!

In Touch

• Cover story: Janet's Shocking Weight Gain! (pages 36-39) Janet's up-and-down weight is on an "up" at the moment. Apparently her fiancée Jermaine Dupri doesn't mind her with "some meat on her bones" and "doesn't stop her from eating" (page 39). Yeah, what an asshole.
  
• Page 14 sports a spread on old child stars all growed up and surprise! Most of them look gross and coked out (pages 14-15).
• EXCLUSIVE! Jessica Biel opens up to the weekly about her life with Justin. We kept searching for "as she told Marie Claire" or "in an upcoming interview in Vogue" or just some hint that she didn't actually have direct contact with anyone at In Touch, but ah no such evidence materialized. What a classy lady! (pages 40-41)
  
• A real estate investor and alkie named John Sundahl got the National Enquirer to pay him some money for claiming that he slept with Britney Spears and all her friends can say is "well, it sounds like something she would do.." (page 54)

Life & Style

• Cover story: Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat! (Pages 26-29.) Angelina probably isn't anorexic, she is just too depressed by her terrible life to eat. She might also be "too thin" to have another Brad baby, though every time she refreshes TMZ to check up on Nicole Richie she feels a distant glimmer of that thing they call "hope."
  
• Scrambling for a sidebar, Life & Style claims that Britney has some "chemistry" with her bodyguard who even "accompanied" her to an event (page 31). You think he maybe he "accompanies" her places because he's her hired muscle?
  
• Nicole Richie had some spotting and thought she was going to lose her baby but it was just a false alarm (page 37). We bet it's the first time in a few years she had blood on her panties! Which kinda makes you wonder: When you're a pillhead who probably spends more time puking than menstruating, how do you know if you're pregnant at all? Did the Angel Gabriel have to c