Tired of having to "fake" the mutant-moth look? Don't spend another late night laboring over a T-shirt with a pair of scissors. Just get the "Evil genius destroyed tee," a steal at $42. Is it a commentary on this threadbare life we lead in an era of downsized companies, economic hardship and corporate bailouts? No. It's not.

Quit trying to make harem pants happen! Look, you may think you look like the heir to a Swiss chocolate fortune who's going dancing in Ibiza or needs a cover-up over your bikini when driving your moped from one side of Mallorca to the other when you wear these. But actually, you look like you've shit yourself and need to change your diaper. Trust.

Have there ever been two more terrifying words than "watercolor leggings" ? Eyesores! And the "hooking-my-way-through-Ancient-Rome" shoes only make it worse.

We'd heard rumblings that Emperor Palpatine's granddaughter was starting her own clothing line. But we had no idea how uninspired it would be. And what's with all the weird hoods lately, anyway?

Separately, a lace body suit, a floral skirt and floral leggings are not, in and of themselves, necessarily terrible. But styled like this, we get flashbacks to Grandmama's plastic-covered couch, complete with doily, and not in a good way. A glass chicken with hard peppermint candy inside and a 1965 issue of Life magazine are all this outfit is missing.

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How much does it cost to look like a 1970s Floridian teenage runaway? Let's add: $98 for the vomitrocious top; $48 for the tank underneath; $18 for the headband; $178 for the "distressed" shorts; $78 for the Jesus sandals, and a whopping $128 for the bag, which had better be full of marijuana and pet rocks, at that price. (Total: $548)

The goggles… They do nothing! And the pants… They flatter no one!

Seriously, can you believe we live in a world where someone pays $88 for a top that looks like it survived an unfortunate Clorox incident?

Give this woman a raccoon, she's about to sing "Colors Of The Wind."

In case you hadn't noticed, headbands are mandatory for Spring 2009. But about that swimsuit: It is designed to give a woman a "happy face" tan, right? If areolae were eyes?

It would be even funnier if the fringe went down to the crotch and hung down between her legs.

At the risk of sounding like my mother, I don't understand kids these days. Jersey knit cropped harem pants are not right.

Full-length harem pants are also very vexing. What's next? Some kind of horrifying harem jumpsuit?

…And I'm out.


Earlier: Free People: More Overpriced Thrift Store Crap Masquerading As Vintage Chic
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1. A bikini with a face on the butt.
One question: Is this an upgrade or a downgrade from having "Juicy" on your ass?
Insight Tura bikini, $88

2. Candy-colored sunglasses.
There's nothing wrong with fun sunglasses. Especially during summer, for crying out loud! It's a time to be silly. But maybe the Olsens, Kiki Dunst and Ashlee Simpson have ruined them? Or maybe it's the brain-dead expression on this model's face. I'm suspicious of colorful frames now. I think maybe they render you dumb.
Crystal frame sunglasses, $$18; neon gradient sunglasses, $14; twilght aviators, $14; golden ratio sunglasses, $14.

3. High-waisted short-shorts.
This seems self-explanatory. When there is more fabric above the crotch than below, you've got a problem.
Top: Covet Bamboo highrise short, $98
Bottom: Lux cult classic short, $48.

4. A lace leotard.
An item named after a David Lynch movie is always going to be problematic.
Wild at heart one-piece, $28.


5. Hideous shoes.
Come on, people. Is ugly is the new pretty? Is 1979 East German chic all the rage?

Top: Zabriskie boot, $78; entwined T-strap flat, $48.
Bottom: C2 elements sandal, $158; encircled sandal, $38; infinity sandal, $38; Bernson gladiator sandals, $175.

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Upon first glance, the orange shirt with pulled-out collar under a white double-breasted jacket is unsavory enough. But look again: Pre-creased jeans and blue suede shoes. Barf bag, anyone?

Squareneck tank and doo-doo brown shorts = Not sexy.

While everything on this page is awful, honorable mention goes to the "Caribbean silk shirt" with laces. Not even Johnny Depp, aka Captain Jack Sparrow, could make that acceptable. Congrats, Dude With Sun-In-Lightened Hair.

"Sleek and modern, suiting gets down to business." Pray tell: Which sort of business calls for an elongated Nehru jacket or a pin-striped leather blazer? Really. Love to know.

Try to decide which color is the worst: Silver, black, or gold. Then get distracted thinking about what would happen if you snagged a fingernail on this shirt.

Sterilize yourself in 2.5 seconds!

The side trimmer, top left, smooths out your love handles, while the one-piece body trimmer below has a panel for your pesky tummy. As for the padded butt brief, well, it should be obvious. Not pictured: The humiliation you'll feel if anyone finds out you own or are wearing one of these items.

Okay, okay, gauze has a casual, comfy, beachy vibe. But gauze overalls? What could be worse?

Never mind.

If you're playing a gangster in a cartoon from the 1930s, this coat is acceptable. Otherwise? No.

This was a hot look once. Marcus Shenkenberg was a hot new male model and Extreme's "More Than Words" was a hot new song on the charts. Those days are over.

Leather overalls? They're just taunting us now.

We have a winner! This has got to be the worst. You probably always wondered where fake vampires shop. (Real vampires would wear Dior.)

[International Male]

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