• The Republican Governor's Association meeting (supposedly starring Sarah Palin) kicked off today with a comedy routine from Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, who was once considered for the VP slot. Pawlenty said that the Republican Party "needs more than a comb-over" and that "Drill, baby, drill, by itself, is not an energy policy." [Time, Politico]
• Former GOP pollster/strategist Frank Luntz took his turn shitting on the party and McCain today, too, saying, among other things, that "Stevie Wonder reads a teleprompter better than John McCain." Luntz, who was a GOP star in 1994, is so far up Newt Gringrich's ass that he knows what donor's cock Gincrich just finished sucking to fund his campaign in 2012 from the taste alone. [Politico]
• Sarah Palin thinks they should put a woman on the GOP ticket in 2012, because there's no way all the PUMAs can die by then. [Huffington Post]

• Joe and Jill Biden are going to meet with the Cheneys. No word on whether Cheney's man-safe comes with a re-sizing clause. [Politico]
• Henry Paulson enjoys spending your money buying stocks since it reminds him so much of the days at Goldman Sachs but, much like those days, he doesn't plan to spend a dime of it on bailing out the auto companies. [Huffington Post]
• In case you thought who Obama would choose to send to the G-20 summit in D.C. would be a Cabinet preview, he's sending Madeline Albright and former Republican Congressman Jim Leach just to fuck with you. [The Hill]
• Despite the Bush Administration's best efforts to deregulate under the radar and tie Obama's hands next year, it turns out even they don't know the rules that well and the Democrats in the House can just pass a bill next year and tell the Bush Administration to fuck off. [Politico]
• Obama might cut a deal with Congress on executive privilege, the subpoenas of Bush officials and classified documents to preserve his right to claim executive privilege in the future. [Huffington Post]
• Former Republican Congressman Mark Foley feels really bad that sex-IMing with teenagers cost the Republican Party the 2006 election and him a post office in name. He is, however, sporting a wedding ring that matches the one his boyfriend wears. [Huffington Post]
• Bribe-loving Congressman William Jefferson (D-Louisiana) may, finally, go to trial on corruption charges. How is he still around, Speaker? Please remind me. [The Hill]
• Oh, and Montana Senator and Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus has already started shanking Obama — and ailing Congressmen and Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee Chair Ted Kennedy — on health care reform. I guess it's not just Republicans who love their circular firing squads these days. [Politico]

MEGAN: So, the following things should not be mixed: champagne, mai tais, rum & cokes, random shots, tequila and whatever else I drank last night. I was so dehydrated when I woke up this morning that it was hard to brush my teeth.

SPENCER: (Autoreply) only if you're Megan

Hahahaha my away message actually gains a new context thanks to what you just wrote. I was in bed by 10:30 and feel fantastic!

MEGAN: Are we deliberately alternating hangovers? Should we?

SPENCER: That's an interesting experiment. Kind of like a cap and trade system? The objective is to limit the world's aggregate hangovers by creating a market for them. Yet, as we all know, markets fail, and fail epically.

MEGAN: Yes, I believe WaMu shareholders are finding that out.

SPENCER: And their failure can yield political failure that also attains epic proportions, yielding spectacles like this:

In the Roosevelt Room after the session, the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, not to “blow it up” by withdrawing her party’s support for the package over what Ms. Pelosi derided as a Republican betrayal.

“I didn’t know you were Catholic,” Ms. Pelosi said, a wry reference to Mr. Paulson’s kneeling, according to someone who observed the exchange. She went on: “It’s not me blowing this up, it’s the Republicans.”
Mr. Paulson sighed. “I know. I know.”

Holy shit! You wonder if Paulson started singing Boyz II Men.

MEGAN: That would've been kind of awesome, though I think the person Paulson needs to ass-kiss is John Boehner, whose name is technically pronounced BAY-ner but after fucking up the bailout at John McCain's request yesterday, I think we can just pronounce it how it looks.

SPENCER: You know what's perfect about Boehner? He has an aide named Kevin Smith. As in the Kevin Smith who fucks up everything he touches and cheapens our love for such beautiful things as comic books and the New Jersey Turnpike. And I'm unconvinced Boehner/McCain's gambit will work.

MEGAN: Dude, I think it makes John McCain look like his whole purpose in coming back here was to fuck this up. Other people agree.

SPENCER: No no no I totally get that. The scenario would be like Obama starts to hold his non-debate town hall in Mississippi, it gets five minutes in and then all the networks cut away to a McCain presser in Washington where he announces that his tireless work has yielded a deal. Right? But it's only actually a deal if the Democrats go along with it, and after yesterday's acrimony, they're not going to assist McCain in torpedoing their candidate. Well, maybe Hillary.

MEGAN: Well, Hillary's totally not involved in it. And, yeah, I mean, McCain's backing the Boehner plan which is to provide tax breaks to companies that buy up bad debt and provide government insurance for it all because, as WaMu and IndyMac proved, insuring bad debt doesn't cost taxpayers any money whatsoever!

SPENCER: So the Democrats get to be on the right side substantively and politically, and McCain reinforces the narrative of his unforced error. How is this bad for Obama? I remember how yesterday's liberal conventional wisdom was how McCain was setting himself up to vote against the bailout!

MEGAN: Only if Chuck Todd is right and no one televises the Obama debate.

SPENCER: That's where I have no insight. What else are the networks going to broadcast?

MEGAN: Let's hope not reruns, because I don't have cable up here.

SPENCER: It costs money for them to have to upend their scheduling for a re-done presidential debate, I imagine that they're going to just give Obama the time since at least some fraction of the audience will tune in anyway. JUST LIKE THE LIBERAL SHILLS THEY ARE. Clearly McCain has his cock in the pooch's ass here.

MEGAN: Yeah, I also love how he's all like well, if Obama had just agreed to my town hall meetings then the debates wouldn't be necessary or important. He's never going to fucking let that go, and no one gives a shit. That was a blatant political move as much as coming back to DC to "save" the bailout plan.

SPENCER: The people I feel bad for are, like, Tucker Bounds. He needed McCain to win, just really really needed it, because no one else is going to hire a flack who ruined his own credibility. I was in the Austin gymnasium where Ari Fleischer told a goggle-eyed press corps that "Palm Beach County is a Pat Buchanan stronghold" and if Bush hadn't pulled that shit out, Ari would never have been able to get another job here at all. Well, maybe that's wrong, because there's the whole spirit of "he had to lie for his boss" in DC, but still, you see what I'm getting at.

MEGAN: The problem is that Tucker Bounds is bad at it, not that he's a liar. But, yes, if McCain loses, he'll be in trouble job-wise because of his basic incompetence.

SPENCER: And Tucker Bounds' people. Basically the whole McCain communications shop. The Weekly Standard can't hire all of them. Some will have to get jobs doing things like sucking GOP staffers off in the Union Station men's room. This economy, it's tough.

MEGAN: As though GOP staffers have to pay other staffers to suck them off in the men's rooms of Union Station. Only Lindsay Graham has to do that.

SPENCER: Hey, that's never been proven.

MEGAN: That's the kind of discretion that Lindsay Graham is paying for!

SPENCER: You know what sucks about DC? If there's no debate tonight, I don't know what my plans are. I'm supposed to have people over to watch the fucking thing.

MEGAN: I'm supposed to be live-blogging the stupid thing after my sister's rehearsal dinner, so tell me about it.

SPENCER: You, you're going to a wedding, with your family, you're set, there's nothing excruciating about that. I'm at the mercy of twitter-whims.

MEGAN: You and your sarcasm.

SPENCER: Jesus FUCK there's a bunch of construction workers in my office knocking out a wall. I wish someone would have told me not to come in today.

MEGAN: Oh, if you didn't know, we do know how Treasury arrived at the $700 billion figure.

"It's not based on any particular data point," a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. "We just wanted to choose a really large number."

And that's not even why John McCain wants to scuttle the motherfucking thing.

SPENCER: Now that's how the professionals do it! I read that and just think, what these people need is $700 billion without strings attached.

MEGAN: Hey, what Republican doesn't want that?

SPENCER: So there was this event last night where my friends Ezra and Yglz held forth on where progressivism is at these days, and Ezra said something that's haunted me all night. It's probably totally obvious to anyone who isn't an economic illiterate: Liberals are about to (PROBABLY HOPEHOPEHOPEAUDACITYHOPE) take power, on the headwinds of promises to restore a sensible balance between government and the market. There will be expectations, naturally, of doing... stuff. You know, delivering on promises about health care and education and the sort of robust safety net that distinguishes liberalism from its alternatives. But there's no money for that stuff anymore — the crisis has wiped it out. So now liberalism is in an awful dilemma: power, but without the means to use it; a consensus around nationalizing huge swaths of the market, but without the ability to get it to deliver on the purchase. Later he and his fellow panelists qualified the idea to death or dismissed it, but shit, you know?

MEGAN: I think Boehner proves there isn't necessarily a consensus around nationalizing vast swaths of the market, but I think it's hilarious that it's not because of the idea of nationalizing anything but because of taxes. And, yes, this financial crisis fucks up pretty much every major expenditure program the Obama camp had on its agenda — Pelosi's already talking a wealth surtax to pay for the bailout, which then screws Obama's tax plans, which screws health care, etc. The only thing it might prompt would be a major tax system overhaul, which we need anyway. But Charlie Rangel's too deep in the shit right now to be able to put that together.

SPENCER: I can't tell if what you're saying is reassuring! Dumb it down.

MEGAN: Um, no, it wasn't reassuring. I don't have The Hope.

SPENCER: Speaking of hopelessness, have a good wedding

MEGAN: We toasted the End of Fun last night. And then annoyed a gay bar by singing "Going to the Chapel."

SPENCER: I see from your Twitter feed that your gay karaoke friends inserted SUCK MY COCK into the "Sweet Caroline" refrain. How to get Fenway Park to do that? Come on Boston fans, out of the closet with ALL of you.

MEGAN: It was way better than shouting "BUH BUH BUM" but I'm betting they just did it because they were Yankees fans.

• Treasury Secretary Paulson and Fed Chair Bernanke were on the Hill today, metaphorical hats in hands, asking for gobs of money and the ability to spend it with no oversight. Unlike what Sarah Palin actually said about the Bridge To Nowhere, Congress told them, "No thanks." [Washington Post]
• Dick Cheney tried his hand at asking nicely, but House Republicans, knowing Cheney well, told him to go fuck himself. A couple of them then fist-bumped Pat Leahy on the way out of the meeting. [Politico]
• Ahmadinejad doesn't care who we elect because he plans to keep building his nukes regardless. [CNN]
• The Supreme Court issued a stay of execution for a Georgia man convicted of killing a police office on the sole basis of eyewitness testimony since recanted. Scalia, Alito and Roberts must have taken a really long lunch today. [CNN]

• Rachel Maddow is kicking Larry King's wrinkly old-man ass. [Huffington Post]
• Even Fox News thinks it's "unprecedented" that McCain and Palin aren't allowing reporters to even shout questions at them. No, really. They're pissed too. [Huffington Post]
• But it's totally in line with other potential McCain Administration policies, like not talking to Israel, Syrian or the Palestinians about that whole peace-process thing. That bores Johnny. [JTA]
• Rush Limbaugh: more of a fucked-up racist piece of shit than you thought. [Think Progress]
• And, finally, some men's delusions know no bounds. [Politico]

MEGAN: You know, I think if She wanted my mood to be better, it would not be raining again today.

MOE: They're not calling it the Great Depression for nothing! Unless it's some April Fools joke.
Ha ha ha, the number of Americans using food stamps for essential groceries is the highest since food stamps were introduced! Yes really!

MEGAN: One in eight residents in Michigan is on food stamps.
They're blaming part of it on the rise in gas prices making shipping more expensive. Good thing we have an adequate rail transport syst... Oh, shit. Sorry. No, we're fucked.

MOE: hahaha here's a funny joke the Washington Post website and/or all its readers are playing on us. The Most viewed thing now is called Yes, It Was A Good War. Ooooh oooh click!

MEGAN: Yeah, that article totally made me happier.

There were pacifists around before WWI, asshole.

MOE: Oh wait no better, Memeorandum is telling me the most important news meme happening right now is Obama bowling. I think people just love the word "dainty."

MEGAN: Joe Scarborough, I am not a dainty person or a dainty bowler. I just SUCK. I hereby challenge you to a bowling tournament. I will bowl drunk and without the benefit of either my contacts or glasses because, apparently, not seeing the pins makes me a better bowler. And then when I smack you in the face with the ball, you won't be talking about dainty no more.
Also, please, with that hair? Joe Scarborough doesn't bowl.

MOE: Oh this is a cool April Fools Day storyabout all the cool badges with crazy slogans that are the only things we know about the Pentagon's $32 billion in triple classified deep secret appropriations. I mean, I think it is a true story but there is really no information and instead of leaving me with a sense of "Wow, our Defense Department is doing destructive things with our tax dollars and no oversight" it left me with a sense of "Dog Latin? That is a language? I knew pig latin but what is dog latin?"

One patch shows a space alien with huge eyes holding a stealth bomber near its mouth. "To Serve Man" reads the text above, a reference to a classic "Twilight Zone" episode in which man is the entree, not the customer. "Gustatus Similis Pullus" reads the caption below, dog Latin for "Tastes Like Chicken."

Also, this just in over the transom! "Deborah" Gibson is going to be playing at Harrah's Atlantic City for an unprecedented three week performance from May 4-24.

MEGAN: OH MY GOD.
Please tell me that's not a joke
Please.
Also, I hate Atlantic City but I might have to find some slouch socks and puffy paint and Keds and head on up there.

MOE: I love Atlantic City. Atlantic City is just America writ very small. No economy besides gambling and whores! Middle class standing around waiting to die! Overleveraged! Crumbling infrastructure! Abject poverty! Gradually being invaded by Chinese! Bottle service! Trump! And some of the greatest italian food I have ever had. I love AC, I have to say. The future of our nation, you can find it there. I bet Ashley Alexandra Dupre had some good underage times there.

MEGAN: Actually, you've just listed almost everything I hate about AC, but you missed the part where the "outlets" suck.

MOE: Oh yes OUTLETS THAT ARE NOT REALLY OUTLETS. A.C. is where "brands" go to die at the hands of tourists who are too dumb to go to real outlets... A.C. is like the Paula Abdul of all latitude/longitude combinations. Or something

MEGAN: Ok, but you and I are so getting Debbie Gibson tickets and meeting there, I'm just saying.
I'll find colorful scrunchies!

MOE: The Pentagon is over budget on only about 95 weapons systems. Um, also...speaking of...the Mike and Juliet show just showed an old clip of Paula Abdul and um Mike said something really funny.

MEGAN: Ok, I suppose we should, at some point, quit talking about the music of our tween years or something. Did you see the editorial on Obama by Alice Walker? It's a little hippie-dippy for my taste, but she did tell me that the whole "we are the change we have been waiting for line" that was totally mocked a couple month ago was a deliberate reference to an African-American poet and a modern spiritual. Whoops. Guess that's why the news networks might need a leetle more diversity in their commentators.

MOE: Wow, $1.6 trillion is the total budget of the weapons systems. That is a lot of money. Like the size of the russian economy but plus 60% or also the amount that banks are expected to writeoff plus 60%. Oh look it's the IO Digital cable commercial!

MEGAN: Dude, the commercial that needs to stop airing RIGHT NOW are those creepy AT&T mobile broadband commercials with the fake British guy finding the internet. They freak me out.

MOE: Wait, is this a joke? Stock futures are looking up! Because the "worst is over"? Because it's all priced in?

MEGAN: Because once us poor people are out of the system the institutional investors and hedge fund guys can have their say without being worried about lawsuits?

MOE: So this Alfonso Jackon stuff: what's the word? Are we going to get a fun scandal with whores outta this guy?
Not that scandals with whores are really that fun anymore.

MEGAN: Sadly, no whores except the political ones I think. Donors, favors, friends, incompetence. You know, standard issue Bushie stuff.

MOE: The bar, it has been raised SO HIGH this year.

MEGAN: It has, you're right. I mean, I guess hooray for Spitzer for being the scandal champ? I mean, do you think we can have a national conversation about expecting Puritan functionaries from our politicians?
Because I just feel like if we all had a healthier attitude about sex, and the "need" to be married, especially if you're a politician, maybe this shit wouldn't happen? Or else I've had just enough coffee to be utopian and not enough to get back to cranky. Or I'm just sorta depressed and thus want to pretend like the world that isn't my life could be better than it is.

MOE: Between the one trillion in bank writedowns and the $1.6 trillion weapons budget and the $9 trillion national debt there sure are a lot of people we owe money to! Thank goodness we have all those weapons, you know?

MEGAN: Oooh, is that the new way to pay your credit card bill? Because that would be kind of awesome. No, see, AmEx, I have bigger guns so I really think we're going to renegotiate these terms, thanks.

MOE: The second amendment is totes underrated.

MEGAN: Not anymore! The Supremes are about to throw out DC's gun ban on
its basis. Hooray for strict constitutionalism except when it comes to guns.

MOE: Dude the IO digital cable commercial is on AGAIN. "$29.95, don't forget to sign the label." Okay now I have to write the introduction to this stupid post that no one besides SinisterRouge can follow. (In that vein, I totally drank sangria with SinisterRouge last night! I never drink drinks like sangria but she is very convincing. As anyone who is still reading at this point which is to say no one because they have all boycotted Crappy Hour knows well, or not well enough.)

• "I heard Obama speak. He hit me with that he-just-got-done- watching-'Malcolm X,' and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama!' 'I'm Obama to the end now, baby!," says 50 Cent, who originally supported Hillary Clinton. He has since "lost interest." [MTV]
  
• One of the girls who tormented Megan Meier under the tutelage of evil mom Lori Drew is going to be on TV tomorow talking about how Lori turned out to be a crappy "mother figure." Um, yeah. [ABC]
  
• You know how after 9/11 the government consolidated all these government functions into the Department of Homeland Security, which was probably an expensive waste of time? Well they are sort of doing that with all the regulatory agencies that are supposed to keep track of how much money all of these sophisticated "security" things are worth so the economy doesn't find itself with a hole the size of the Russian economy in it. It will take a long time, and probably not work. [WSJ]
  
• Obama has his widest gap in the Gallup tracking poll of Democrats of any candidate since February. February! That is almost the month before last! [Wonkette]

• Oh, look who favors socialized medicine! The folks who provide it. Funny, that! Think they all got brainwashed by the happy British doctor in Sicko? [Reuters]
• Chelsea Clinton quotes Salt N Pepa. [Wonkette]
• Do Pennsyvlanians distrust women or black folks more? [AP]
• Paris Hilton is a "role model for young girls everywhere," according to Paris Hilton. [Redlasso]
• Finally, a pundit with the guts to take Hillary to task for this Bosnia thing. What would we do without you, Hitchens? [Slate]
• Did you hear about this whole "Earth Hour" thing? Yeah, don't worry, nobody did. [Time]