news roundup
- The Republican Governor's Association meeting (supposedly starring Sarah Palin) kicked off today with a comedy routine from Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, who was once considered for the VP slot. Pawlenty said that the Republican Party "needs more than a comb-over" and that "Drill, baby, drill, by itself, is not an energy policy." [Time, Politico]
- Former GOP pollster/strategist Frank Luntz took his turn shitting on the party and McCain today, too, saying, among other things, that "Stevie Wonder reads a teleprompter better than John McCain." Luntz, who was a GOP star in 1994, is so far up Newt Gringrich's ass that he knows what donor's cock Gincrich just finished sucking to fund his campaign in 2012 from the taste alone. [Politico]
- Sarah Palin thinks they should put a woman on the GOP ticket in 2012, because there's no way all the PUMAs can die by then. [Huffington Post]
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crappy hour
John McCain may or may not debate Barack Obama tonight, but he will definitely continue giving press conferences, "not" campaigning and not be helpful in those bailout negotiations he helped scuttle yesterday. Yes, in the same way that his definition of maverick appears to be "
someone that doesn't consider the consequences before making decisions," his definition of help appears to be "not talking to anyone until the end when he can do the most damage to delicate negotiations."
Spencer Ackerman and I think that's kind of bullshit, so we puzzle through GOP blow jobs, pooch-screwing, what combination of booze I shouldn't have consumed last night and whether gay Yankees fans shout "suck my cock" during a karaoke rendition of "Sweet Caroline" because they are gay or because they are simply Yankees fans.
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news roundup
- Treasury Secretary Paulson and Fed Chair Bernanke were on the Hill today, metaphorical hats in hands, asking for gobs of money and the ability to spend it with no oversight. Unlike what Sarah Palin actually said about the Bridge To Nowhere, Congress told them, "No thanks." [Washington Post]
- Dick Cheney tried his hand at asking nicely, but House Republicans, knowing Cheney well, told him to go fuck himself. A couple of them then fist-bumped Pat Leahy on the way out of the meeting. [Politico]
- Ahmadinejad doesn't care who we elect because he plans to keep building his nukes regardless. [CNN]
- The Supreme Court issued a stay of execution for a Georgia man convicted of killing a police office on the sole basis of eyewitness testimony since recanted. Scalia, Alito and Roberts must have taken a really long lunch today. [CNN]
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crappy hour
Americans! We are not exactly
not known for excess! But on this, the first of April, perhaps it is time to start a national IM dialogue on whether we have finally somewhat overdosed on the absurdity! For instance, the government is supposed to spend
$1.6 trillion on weapons with names
borrowed from the Twilight Zone and the financial system is supposed to be
$1 trillion in debt, most likely thanks to "partnerships" named for
Star Wars creatures and added to the $9 trillion we already have that is ...already a comically large sum of money we are going to borrow a bunch of money to pay back... some people are calling it the Great Depression...and yet the stock futures! They are looking hopeful! Food stamps are more popular than ever in the history of
food stamps and yet people are still so sapped for new forms of escapism that they played the
I.O. Digital Cable commercial twice in the course of one Crappy Hour! Oh yes, and Obama is too "dainty" for bowling! Not that anyone
goes bowling ever.
Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier and I discuss all that and Paula Abdul and Deborah Gibson and Atlantic City and many many more muddled metaphors for our hilarious joke of a world, ha ha.
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news roundup
- "I heard Obama speak. He hit me with that he-just-got-done- watching-'Malcolm X,' and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama!' 'I'm Obama to the end now, baby!," says 50 Cent, who originally supported Hillary Clinton. He has since "lost interest." [MTV]
- One of the girls who tormented Megan Meier under the tutelage of evil mom Lori Drew is going to be on TV tomorow talking about how Lori turned out to be a crappy "mother figure." Um, yeah. [ABC]
- You know how after 9/11 the government consolidated all these government functions into the Department of Homeland Security, which was probably an expensive waste of time? Well they are sort of doing that with all the regulatory agencies that are supposed to keep track of how much money all of these sophisticated "security" things are worth so the economy doesn't find itself with a hole the size of the Russian economy in it. It will take a long time, and probably not work. [WSJ]
- Obama has his widest gap in the Gallup tracking poll of Democrats of any candidate since February. February! That is almost the month before last! [Wonkette]
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Jezebel
