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Hell's Bells
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Hell's bells
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Hell's Bells
hell's bells
So It's Not A Jinx To Dedicate Your Book To Your Fictional Future Husband?
Nicola Kraus, one of the authors of the Nanny Diaries just put an end to 33 years of the misery of singledom by getting married to a man. Oh my god how did she do it??? I knew you'd ask! According to Vows:
Last year Ms. Kraus decided to dedicate their latest novel, "Dedication" to her husband. No, she wasn’t married. But she was hopeful. 'I was creating a place holder,” Ms. Kraus, 33, said. “He was out there. I just hadn’t crossed paths with him yet.' She began behaving as if she was already in love. 'You carry yourself differently when you’re not alone,' she explained. 'I would carry myself at a party or a supermarket or a gym as if I was loved.' Then a month later David Wheir kissed her, and she no longer needed to pretend."
Okay, so clearly something about this is bothersome, but what?
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Um, so "Vows" this weekend…between the word "excruciating" and the surveying everyone on "how they knew"… and the fact that this guy couldn't even figure out how he felt about this woman after 17 months in Africa I think it is safe to say it was the most depressing thing ever. (Fine, "ever" in that section.) Is Jonathon (spelling: what's with?) just gay? Or is it common for dudes to act like this? Discuss. [NYT]
hell's bells
When Did Divorce Become The New Death?
Miscellaneous observations noted the day after seeing Sex & The City: The Movie and reading about YouTube divorcee Tricia Walsh-Smith in 'New York' magazine and the anxieties of the newly-slightly-less-rich in the 'New York Times', vaguely petitioning the godless void to find someone to marry me before I look like this.
•Divorce is the new Death. No one wants it, really, but for some reason everyone assumes its inevitability. But when it comes, what happens? Who's the greater fool? This can be prepared for, like the Afterlife. Contracts can be drawn, assets accumulated and shifted. Carrie says she came to New York in search of the two "Ls" — "love" and "labels." Of course, "marriage" is just another variation on "label," worn like an LV to designate oneself as superior, uncommon, discriminating somehow, dignified. Whatever that means.
•Tricia Walsh-Smith is the worst-case matrimonial scenario. If you don't get married, or if you botch your prenuptial agreement, or if he leaves you at the altar (a.k.a. Big) or sleeps with a random stranger (a.k.a. Miranda), you lose all dignity; all of it, gone. And without that dignity, what is left? Shoes. The end.
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California Love
The California Supreme court just overturned the state's ban on gay marriage for being discriminatory and unconstitutional. Okay, and like, Republican appointees outnumber Democrat appointees on the court 6 to 1. "Scholars have described the court under the leadership of Chief Justice Ronald M. George as cautious and moderately conservative." Um, just what we would expect from strict interpretors of the constitution! [LA Times]
hell's bells
Is Surviving A Sex Change The True Sign Of A Good Marriage? Or Just Insane?
Yesterday the New York Times ran a story about one of those married couples that stays together after the husband gets a sex change. I'm not sure how many married couples like that there are; it's one of those things that I feel like I'm hearing about all the time, but it could be the same married couple I saw on Oprah, but they're journalistically important because of of their legal implications — their rights and legal statuses differ from state to state, and there are all sorts of ways they can be discriminated against, not that most people are that concerned about transsexual same-sex married couples losing their spousal rights when they cross state lines when it's still okay for cops to shoot unarmed black men, because the real reason you want to read about these people is that they stayed together. Through a sex change. Their marriage survived. A sex change. All the same qualities that attracted them are still there, they claim. Just now they go bra-shopping together! More »
clips
Why Marrying A Rich Old Dude Who Won't Fuck Will Not Solve Your Problems
Meet Tricia Walsh-Smith. She's a playwright, but I guess the tragedy is that this YouTube video, in which she asks the assistant of her greedy hateful rich theater-owning old ex-husband who never wanted to fuck (even though she was 25 years younger than him!) what she thinks she should do with the Viagra and condoms she found, will probably go down in "History" as her sole contribution to the universe. Or is it a tragedy? No of course not, there's no such thing as tragedy. Or no, actually... More »
sephora spy
Mineral Makeup! Lip Plumpers! Oil Cleansers! Colonics? Sephora Spy Spills All, And More!
How did humanity even survive without some of the things we now regularly buy at Sephora? Yes, I am kidding. Today our Sephora Spy, Jasmine, is back, and, with the help of commenter LoMorale, she tackles your questions about some of the most common things you didn't know you needed before Sephora started selling them. Lip venom: is there anything to the pain? Mineral makeup: can you really sleep in it? Won't you break out? Oil cleansers: won't those also make you break out? "High-definition" makeup for making television appearances: crap, that's asking for a breakout. All that, a rigorous discussion of high colonics and what you won't hear from Jasmine while she's on the clock, after the jump. Not satisfied? Drop a line yourself to SephoraSpy@gmail.com. More »
the ex files
How Would You Feel If Your Ex Got Married?
John Mason, 35, got hitched on Saturday. Big deal? Yeah, because at his last wedding, the bride disappeared and then claimed she'd been kidnapped. John Mason's ex fiancé, Jennifer Wilbanks, was known as the "runaway bride." For causing chaos and lying to authorities she was sentenced to two years' probation and community service, including mowing the lawns at public buildings. Meanwhile, John's new bride is the cousin of a friend he went to high school with. The ceremony was quiet and John's mom did the flowers (pink roses). Here's the thing: Even if she got cold feet, had some "issues" or just went a little nuts back in 2005 when she ran away, Jennifer Wilbanks, at some point, told this man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And now he's with someone else. Have you been there? I have. More »
oh, christ
"He Took Me In His Arms, And Staring Into My Eyes, He Said Words That Took My Breath Away"
Sometimes the Lord knows when you need an uplifting email in your inbox, and Lord, thou hath choseth an auspicious day. Perhaps, readers, recent sudden public marital undoings have stirred up those lingering doubts, those damaging "Enlightenment" era thoughts about the fundamental alienation present within every romantic coupling, the denial imperative for following through with long-term monogamy, etc. etc. Well, allow Blair Johnson* to swing your spirits up heavenward once more! This email has been forwarded to hundreds if not thousands of alumni of two prestigious universities, because, as you will see, it is the most beautiful thing you will read all hour, or maybe even in your lifetime. Several of the forwarders attested to having been so touched by Blair's account that they were moved to read it aloud, in cars and, no doubt, from barstools; their additions have been omitted from this post so you can focus on important details, such as God's opinion on diamond settings. Leap, readers! *Name changed to protect the virginal! More »
till dementia do us part
What Do You Do When Your Spouse Becomes A Vegetable?
Readers, it's been a trying few blogdays. Mike Cherico, Eliot Spitzer, Ben Karlin...if anyone needs douchetoxification, it is we. Good thing there are still at least, like, at least four decent males in this world, one of whom was profiled in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, so gather around and take heart in the story of Dave Kendall. Many years ago, Dave married a woman with a rare genetic disorder. For the first two decades of married life she was normal, when in her late forties she began slipping irrevocably into advanced vegetablehood. He now feeds her, moves her everywhere, and takes her to the bathroom, keeping close watch on her shits. Her mind is lodged deeply in dementia, but he keeps it as healthy and active as he can, quizzing her on basic arithmetic and forcing her to play Bingo with him. The better he treats her, the longer she lives. "On a computer bulletin board recently, Dave heard of a woman who lived 30 years with Huntington's," the story writes. "By the end, she weighed 44 pounds." More »
settling for less
Lower Your Standards, Bitch
Okay, so that Atlantic piece by Lori Gottlieb on "why you should settle": We wrote about it. Everyone wrote about it. On Saturday, novelist Megan Daum wrote about it. You keep asking us to write about it again. Maybe I didn't quite nail what happened to be my problem with the story before, so here goes: this is a story for women whose standards are too high. Women with "checklists." Women with those faces that freeze or scowl or go blank when they sense the approach of a Dude Who Is Beneath Them. Don't pretend they don't exist! You know they exist. They are our secret shame, because at some point in the past we have all been those women. Maybe it was back in high school, back when you looked at the type of dude you were capable of attracting as some visible verdict on how attractive you were, maybe because you didn't actually know how attractive you were, because you had body dysmorphic disorder or something. But whatever, at some point along the line we all learn the old saw: "Your milkshake might bring all the boys to the yard, but your yeast infection still stinks." More »
Hell's Bells
A new poll by You & Your Wedding magazine reports that some brides are so concerned about their bridesmaids that they would consider imposing a wedding party version of a pre-nuptial agreement. The contract clauses would require bridesmaids to agree not to put on weight, get pregnant, change their hairstyles, consume more than 10 units of alcohol at the reception or make advances towards "inappropriate male guests." In addition, 48% of brides said they would ditch a bridesmaid who couldn't follow the rules. Are these brides control freaks? Or just wise to be aware of flaky friends? [Telegraph, Daily Mail]
A new poll by You & Your Wedding magazine reports that some brides are so concerned about their bridesmaids that they would consider imposing a wedding party version of a pre-nuptial agreement. The contract clauses would require bridesmaids to agree not to put on weight, get pregnant, change their hairstyles, consume more than 10 units of alcohol at the reception or make advances towards "inappropriate male guests." In addition, 48% of brides said they would ditch a bridesmaid who couldn't follow the rules. Are these brides control freaks? Or just wise to be aware of flaky friends? [Telegraph, Daily Mail]
resolutions
This Year, Why Not Just Admit To Yourself You'd Like To Find A Husband?
The New York Times ran a "Modern Love" column yesterday about a woman who was so unhappy being single she agreed, sight unseen, to go to China to meet her friend's brother, marry him, and bring him back to upstate New York where, if nothing else, his stubbornly awful driving regularly makes her heart race. Ok, now today, the same paper runs a piece about a woman who is a sort of a spokesperson for the opposite phenomenon: Singles Pride! Her name is Sherri Langburt, and she runs a site called SingleEdition, a "lifestyle destination that embraces the culture of single living" offering clever rebuttals to people who wonder why you're still single ("Just lucky, I guess!") and lots of support from companies eager to take advantage of your un-earmarked income by convincing you singledom is fabulous and you should celebrate by spending all your money on yourself. (Sample story topic: "Getting the dream kitchen you deserve." Fabulous, right?) Ha ha ha, so here's the catch:As for Ms. Langburt, an odd thing happened while she was developing a business plan for Single Edition: She met Mr. Right and got married.More »
head scratchers
Can An Awesome Spouse Redeem A Despicable Person? Tinsley Mortimer Edition
Lots of news on the public marriage front this morning. It turns out Valerie Plame did sorta recommend the CIA send her husband on that trip to Niger and he was unspeakably mad about it and [redacted] [redacted] they live in New Mexico now, and also that some Democrats apparently thought Bill Clinton should resign over so publicly disrespecting the marriage to the woman he consulted every night of his first campaign, and then Sarkozy's marriage drama French blah blah, but somehow none of these public unions can claim the intrigue of the marriage we'd all be happier not knowing about, which is to say that of Tinsley and Topper Mortimer. Who is Tinsley Mortimer again? Well, she is a narcissistic blond Virginia carpet salesman's daughter who aspires to be a reality TV star, which would be one thing if we didn't have to know who she was. But she was all over Fashion Week, prancing around and causing us to think thoughts like, "isn't she a little old for this?" and "I wonder what those handbags she supposedly designs actually look like.." (Retch: here.) And this weekend the New York Times alerted us to the fascinating news that she has been married — for half her life! and they eloped in high school!! — to someone kind of AWESOME! More »
hell's bells
Bad Marriages: Do You Like To Watch?
It's Wedding Week at Jezebel! Not only are Anna, Jennie and Moe all headed — bliss! — to far-flung festivals of monogamy this warm weekend, Moe will be handing over her blogger reins to an altarbound friend for the duration, and wheedling a guest column out of her little brother, who last week proposed to his girlfriend of three months. (Yeah, he was drunk.) In this installment we examine the sick appeal of watching someone else's dysfunctional marriage fail. Which, um, we don't think has much of an appeal.
Last night I had dinner with one of my rapidly expanding cluster of close friends who is somehow planning a wedding. "Did you read 'Can This Marriage Be Saved?'" I asked of the cover story in the New York Times Magazine. "Oh god, no," she said. "I can't read those things. It's like being around other couples who are fighting. I noticed it was on the 'Most Emailed List.' People are sick." And I just shook my head: she had no idea. More »
a guy's opinion
Planning A Wedding Is No Big Deal
A funny thing happened the other day when we drinking heavily at a bar in DC with our college friend Mike. His fiancée didn't show up to meet us, and we began to wonder whether there was a reason we hadn't received our "Save The Date" notices yet. Good thing the next sentence out of his mouth was, "Would you believe some people thought they hadn't been invited because they hadn't gotten Save The Date notices?" Ha! "How absurd is the 'Save The Date'? Anyone who expects a "Save The Date" so they can cross out their weekend nine months in advance should just forget about coming altogether, they're clearly too important to be our friends." We decided Mike, whose lady assured us that he did more than his share of their wedding planning, would be the perfect wedding planner for us in the event (heh) THAT happens, and commissioned him to write this short opinion piece, "Planning A Wedding Is No Big Deal And If You Think It Is The Terrorists Have Won."
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hell's bells
