Margaret thinks this one was inspired by this post.

Subject: Placing an Order

Hi,

I would like to place an order for the stainless steel douche on your website. Please advise.

Thank you.

Yes, someone saw the phrase "stainless steel douche" and thought, "Where can I get mine?" But at least she was polite, unlike this lady, who had some beef with our Heather Graham post:

I can think of a number of more beautiful, more handsome, more talented, REAL American people in the United States who would be more than happy and willing to star in the opposing Healthcare reform commercial. Who cares that it's Heather Graham, who has played less than modest roles in every single movie she's starred in. She's not an A lister by any means in comparison, and she doesn't speak for the MAJORITY of Americans, nor does she represent us. Contrary to what liberal dems want everyone to believe, Conservatives are NOT against Healthcare reform. They're against SOCIALIZED medicine, SOCIALIZED anything.

What the people keep forgetting and need to continually ask themselves is this. If this "reformed healthcare" is such a fantastic idea...then why will it NOT apply to everyone? Everyone being our Senators, our Congressmen, President and their families. Hm? Can you or anyone who matters tell us that? No, they can't. Yeah, "it's SO great....but it's not for us...it's for you!" HELLO! WAKE UP!

In the end, none of this matters....we win in the end, period! And I have solace in that.

Probably if Heather Graham's "less than modest roles" bother you, you are visiting the wrong website. But at least this opponent of SOCIALIZED anything expresses her views clearly. Sometimes we can't even tell if an email constitutes a complaint, and if so, what that complaint is about. To whit:

Hi Anna,
Since you're an astute woman at the center of thought-provoking storms, most of them caused by men with too much testosterone, do YOU think the American Empire deserves to die—and if NOT, why not and if YES, Who or What would replace us?

MY solution to the world's problems: Forget Swine Flu innoculations. Just drop estrogen-laced candy and cigarettes on all the nations and pretty soon we'd all be arranging furniture and faux-finishing our walls rather than leveling foreign cities.
Thanks!

How does one "faux-finish" a wall anyway? Doesn't matter, since apparently we should really be faux-finishing our faces:

Subject: Don't Spook Anyone This Halloween With Your Wrinkles...

Hi Dodai,

This Halloween, wrinkles can have your face looking scarier than a child's monster mask. While no miracle cream can dissolve your wrinkles in time for all of the upcoming parties – it is possible to hide those wrinkles with the right makeup and the right tips and tricks so you don't spook anyone this season. However, traditional mineral makeup falls into fine lines, making them look MORE pronounced. What to do? [...]

Here are Christopher's tips for achieving a flawless Halloween party ready look:

1. Prep face by washing and applying a serum all over the face
2. Apply a concealer wherever needed in small amounts
3. Lightly apply Veludo Velvet Foundation
4. Next, apply Finale Finishing Powder
5. Use eyeliner and mascara sparingly
6. Top the look off with lip gloss

Follow these steps and you will have a look that will leave people yelling "treat" instead of screaming "trick"!

If someone yelled "treat" at me, I would indeed be "spooked." But not as much as I was by this email:

Subject: Kevin Sorbo caught masterbatings

Actor Kevin Sorbo was sitting around complaining that he had no work to do. He was quietly pissed off that he was just being considered a Britney Spears Promoter. he was whining that noone liked him

Nobody ever fucking liked him. Every one thought he was masturbater. Everyone thought he was a wash up with a stupid fucking show that just about everybody made fun of. Now this is where Kevin Sorbo Messed the fuck up.

This particular missive goes on, accusing former Hercules star Kevin Sorbo of all kinds of lewd acts, my favorite of which is "talking to himself about the porn he has on his laptop." All the allegations seem baseless, and I'm not sure why the tipster thought we would care, but we just posted his email, so I guess mission accomplished! We win in the end, period!

• Though Kate Gosselin filed for divorce from Jon on Monday, the filing does not contain custody information at this time. Will Kate ask for primary custody? How much time will Jon get? [Star Magazine]

• By the by, those Crooked Houses Jon & Kate's 8 play in? $7,000 a piece. [ABC News]
• Kate Gosselin is on People magazine, with the cover line: "It feels like I failed." [People]
• New Jon & Kate episodes will include Jon's new girlfriend, 23-year-old Deanna Hummel. [Gatecrasher]
• "Reports this week claim Aniston has been sent text messages by Angelina Jolie demanding she 'back off'." Heh. Hahhaha. Ha. [Daily Mail]
• Is Britney Spears going to be in a Nazi movie? Brain… cannot… compute. [National Ledger]
• Rihanna didn't take the stand in Chris Brown's court case, so now Cover Girl has resumed its ad campaign featuring the singer. It's okay to think she's pretty again! [TMZ]
• Perez Hilton has released a new statement in which he says: "Words can hurt." And: "I wish none of it had happened. I can't take it back." And: "Who I am as a person and what I do for a living are two separate things." And: "Several television and radio shows over the past couple of days echoed the sentiment 'He had it coming'. Would they have said the same thing if I was a woman? Would I have 'deserved it' if I had been stabbed? Or shot? Or killed?" [Perez]
• Anne Hathaway loans her friends designer dresses out of her closet. [Gatecrasher]
• If you work for Oprah, you're going on a trip! She is taking 100 employees - and their families - on an all-expenses paid 10-day cruise around the Mediterranean. JEALOUS. [Gatecrasher via Pop Crunch]
• "Madonna is trying to recreate her beloved Wiltshire manor in the middle of Manhattan." [The Sun]
• "Fitness fanatic Madonna has banned smoking roadies from coming within 50ft of her…" [The Sun]
• Video of Zachary Quinto walking his dog with a friend who is dressed as a giant steak. Quinto falls, curses. The walking resumes. Inexplicable. [ONTD]
• LOL: Ellen's variety show will be called Bigger Longer & Wider. It debuts on TBS this Saturday at 9pm, with Kanye West, David Blaine and Nick Cannon among the performers. [USA Today]
• More drama involving Danielle Staub from the Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Smoking Gun has discovered that in 1986, she was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy. And you know how Staub told People she was "never a prostitute. Never"? She told a federal agent she worked for an escort service. [MSNBC, The Smoking Gun]
• Great Q&A with Teresa from RHONJ at the link; she's asked if there's a little too much onyx and granite in her house abd says: "No, I don't think you can ever have too much. I coulda had more." [Newsweek]
• And! When asked, "On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does Danielle annoy you?" Teresa answers: "20." [Newsweek]
• The stuff dreams are made of: James Franco reading Proust. [Page Six]
• Were Megan Fox and Josh Brolin involved in a New Orleans fire? [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: Over. But those hot tub pix live forever! [People]
• Liev Schreiber plays a cross-dresser in Ang Lee's film Taking Woodstock and says: "[Ang] really did like my legs. When I went to his office, the first thing he said to me was, 'Wow, you have really nice legs.' I thought, 'This part is mine.'" [NY Mag]
• Pardon my groan: The Jonas Brothers are on the cover of Rolling Stone (again) looking like they bought fake IDs and are headed to the local leather bar to watch some bear on cub wrestling. [JustJared]
• "Martina Navratilova sued for millions by 'wife' after being 'dumped without warning.'" [Daily Mail]
• Katherine Heigl will star in a romance flick called Life As We Know It, which she is producing with her mother. [Variety]
• Daniel Craig will star in Dream House, a psychological thriller about a man who moves his family to a small town only to find it haunted by the former inhabitants who were murdered there. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Craig Robinson, Heather Graham, Johnny Knoxville and Camilla Belle will join Kevin Spacey in the comedy Father Of Invention, which Spacey is producing. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Julianne Hough probably won't be in Footloose, as her acting is abominable. [Page Six]
• Audrina Patridge of The Hills is getting her own reality show, creatively titled The Audrina Show. [EW]
• Epic Marilyn Manson interview! He talks about how he felt when he and Evan Rachel Wood broke up: "My walls were covered in scrawlings of the lyrics and cocaine bags nailed to the wall. And I did have an experience where I was struggling to deal with being alone and being forsaken and being betrayed by putting your trust in one person, and making the mistake of that being the wrong person. And that's a mistake that everyone can relate to. I made the mistake of trying to, desperately, grasp on and save that and own it. And every time I called her that day — I called 158 times — I took a razorblade and I cut myself on my face or on my hands." [Spin]
• Marilyn Manson also says of Evan Rachel Wood: "I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer." [Spin]
• John Travolta is in South Africa, as a way to honor his late son who loved safaris. [TMZ]
• Is R. Kelly involved in a scam that robbed the elderly of £1million? [The Sun]
• Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai is involved with some kind of illegal purchase of land, uh-oh. [Times of India]
• Michael Madsen owes Pierce Brosnan and Quentin Tarantino money. Not ten bucks — like $25,000 to Brosnan and $1 million to QT. [TMZ]
• "Rachel Hunter devastated as ice hockey player fiancé calls off wedding SEVEN WEEKS before big day." [Daily Mail]
• Come on baby shake your pigskin: Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio are buying a share in the NFL's Miami Dolphins. [UPI]
• Joan Rivers is moving to L.A. and selling her Upper East side condo and Connecticut cottage, which is "so filled to the brim with campy knickknackery that it almost looks découpaged" and where Joan keeps a photograph of herself next to the bed. [NY Mag]
• Phil Spector is now in the "sensitive needs" area of California state prison, which is separate from the "gen pop." [USA Today]
• Blind item! "Which TV star will absolutely scream when she discovers her husband was chasing girls at an L.A. nightclub over the weekend?" [Gatecrasher]
• Q. Was it fun flipping the table? A: "Fun? It was heat of the moment and it was something that came spontaneously. That was my anger coming out. I just had enough of her. I was just done. I've never done it before. Will I ever do it again? I don't think so because I don't think I'll let someone get to me like she does because in real life I probably would have stopped hanging out with her." — Teresa, of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. [Newsweek]
• "I'd be a liar if I said it was easy. I think it's very different nowadays for working mothers. Before, a woman could take two years off - a year for her pregnancy and then the first year, but I don't think that's possible for women in showbusiness or in any industry any more. You just have to keep going - keep looking forward. If you stop, you're like, 'Oh God, it's too overwhelming.' And believe me, I've had my fair share of those moments." — Anna Friel. [Telegraph]
• "I really cannot tell you if there will ever be another Batman movie. Chris [Nolan, director] has obviously done an incredible job with it. He's devoted to the movie that he's on right now. I'm none the wiser about we'll ever be revisiting Gotham or not." — Christian Bale. Of another Terminator movie he says: "No conversation has been had about that at all." [Pop Wrap]
• "That song is about when someone said to me, 'Okay, I want to be with you until I die.' And then they gave up. I was at the point in my life where I was like, 'Okay, let's die, but I tell you what, I'm going to kill you first, because I don't trust you.' Honestly. It's hard to look back and see myself as the same person. I'm very objective now. I started to apply this really fantastic rule that they don't teach you in AA or AAA, or any other acronym: Do drugs and drink when you're happy, not when you're sad. It has a great effect. But I can't say that I did that the whole time." — Marilyn Manson, still talking about Evan Rachel Wood. [Spin]
• "She's a lot shorter than I thought she would be, but I was pleased by that. I'm happy there was a flaw. Having said that, I think Angelina is pretty talented. And a remarkable human being, and a great mom. She's definitely not like any other lady I know." — Six foot three Liev Schreiber, on his five foot eight Salt costar Angelina Jolie. [Gatecrasher]
• "I did teach Abby how to say the f-word. I taught her how to drop the f-bomb in every way possible. I said, 'You're a child in an adult's world. I can't be a child for you. When she didn't swear, I said, 'You're starting to offend me Abby. If you don't start swearing every three words then I will fine you.'" — Cameron Diaz, 36 on working with Abigail Breslin, 13 in My Sister's Keeper. [Mirror]
• "I am so often puzzled [by journalists]. Sometimes they go, 'So what's this all about? ... What do you look like when you go home? Do you dress like this all the time?' It's rude! It's not nice… [Lady Gaga] is who I am. Me and my hair bow, we go to bed together. She sleeps where I sleep." — Lady GaGa. [Yahoo News via AP]

• Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" in a club in London, which involved saying:

"I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged." Then Lindsay tried to curl up in a ball on the floor. According to this report. [Mirror]

• Brad and Angie to wed??? Apparently someone sent Angelina Jolie all the press clippings about her "relationship problems," so she has decided that she and Brad should get married and put an end to the stories. A rumor about a Brangelina wedding circulates pretty much once a year, so perhaps we were overdue. [Mirror]
• BREAKING: Mariah Carey has been "stuffing her face" while making her album. "She has put on about 15 pounds, but she loves the curves," says a "source." [Page Six]
• Uh-oh: Pete Doherty was arrested in Switzerland after being found "slumped" in the bathroom of a British Airways flight with a needle. [Sunday Mail]
• The Slumdog kids danced to the movie's hit song, "Jai Ho," in a Hong Kong shopping mall on Saturday to raise money for charity. According to this report, "They sang off-key but drew an enthusiastic response." [Hindustan Times]
• Heidi and Spencer were "tortured" on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, by being held in a dark room with only water, rice and beans. Heidi was rushed to the hospital with what was diagnosed as a gastric ulcer; she has been released. If all of this is part of the Speidi attention machine, it's certainly impressive. [TMZ]
• Spencer claims he was locked up for 3 days with no food or water; producers say it was 8-10 hours max, with food and water. [TMZ]
• This report says Heidi and Spencer were in the Lost Chamber for 14 hours. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The production company behind I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here says that "All allegations of the celebrities being deprived of food and water are completely untrue." [Perez]
• Susan Boyle has signed with Ossie Kilkenny, the manager who made u2 millions. [Mirror]
• Chelsy Davy "can't wait" to see Prince Harry at a party this week. or something, This picture, in which Prince Harry's hand seems to be about to grab Prince Harry's crotch, is distracting. [Daily Mail]
• Even though Christina Ricci has called off her engagement, she and her ex-fiancé, Owen Benjamin, went to the movies Saturday night. [TMZ]
• It's hard to even understand how this is a news item, but here it is: Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke has dropped some "excess" pounds and is "enjoying her new figure." [UPI]
• Brooke Shields and the National Enquirer have reached a settlement over the May incident in which two reporters checked Brooke's mom out of a nursing home to get a story. Also: The mag has agreed to make a generous donation to further research on dementia. [UPI]
• Kirsten Dunst: Returning to the Spider-Man franchise for flick number four. Will there be a Spidey wedding? [E!]
• Will Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and Tommy Mottola all move into the same gorgeous NYC building? [NY Times]
• Cameron Diaz says her costars on My Sister's Keeper helped her deal with the sudden death of her father: "I was really, really fortunate to have these people to come back to." [People]
• The family of David Carradine is asking the FBI to investigate the actor's death. [Us Magazine, People]
• Want details from David Carradine's death? Click away. [TMZ]
• Kate Hudson's mom, Goldie Hawn, is allegedly worried about Kate dating Alex Rodriguez. A source says: "Kate's had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it's always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again." [Daily Mail]
• Katie "Jordan" Price is "drinking heavily, taking sleeping pills and barely eating" since splitting with husband Peter Andre. [Telegraph]
• This report shows Katie "Jordan" Price very calmly shopping with her kids. [Daily Mail]
• Baby-wipes enthusiast Terrence Howard stopped six lanes of traffic in Beverly Hills to save the life of a baby bird. [Page Six]
• Another day, another Kylie Minogue wedding rumor. This time, her man gave her a rose, so, clearly they are getting hitched. [Daily Mail]
• Will Michael Jackson try and turn his London mansion into the new Neverland? [The Sun]
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway, who were husband and wife in Brokeback Mountain, may reunite in a flick called Love and Other Drugs, an adaptation of Jamie Reidy's nonfiction book Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• What, what? A film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love? With Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem? Oookay. [Variety]
• "In a PawNation poll, 70 percent of animal lovers voted Jennifer Aniston as the celeb they would trust to pet sit their furry friend." Mickey Rourke came in second. [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey has a dream, and it involves having a nice bus so he can bring his kids racing with him. [People]
• Composer Benny Andersson of ABBA has contributed one million kronor ($128,000) to the Swedish feminist initiative. [Independent Political Report]
• "She divides her time between California and Colorado, and in both places she lives 'off the grid,' with her own sources of water and power. Her homes are powered by solar panels, her toilets are compost, her cars run on leftover grease from fast-food restaurants […] She wears recycled necklaces made of boiled-down shotgun casings. She has more than 20 animals - horses, alpacas, chickens, dogs, cows - all of which are rescues…" — from a profile on Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• In this interview with Harry Shearer, he talks being part of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons. [LA Times]
• James Caan and Scott Caan play father and son in a new film called Mercy. [LA Times]
• Check out a portrait of Sandra Bernhard by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders (and some information about the relationship between the photographer and the comedian) here. [HuffPo]
• Ooky, spooky, kooky: Bebe Neuwirth is working on a play based on The Addams Family. Snap, snap. [Gatecrasher]
• "There is nothing more humiliating for a stutterer than to have their word or sentence finished for them. I didn't have names for these fears." — from "How I Found My Voice," an essay by Carly Simon. [The Daily Beast]
• Evan Dando of the Lemonheads is suing General Motors, saying the company copied one of his songs for an ad. Dude, have you heard? They don't have any money! You're suing the bankrupt. [AP]
• Jon Voight is suing investors who sued him. [TMZ]
• The woman who inspired the Beatles song "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is seriously ill. [Newser]
• Blind item! "Which once prominent magazine writer/TV interviewer now appears in elegant homes wearing men's clothes and a fedora? Sighed one jaded observer, 'These days, becoming a lesbian is a career move.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which heartthrob actor nearly cried bloody murder when he couldn't get into a private lounge?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I don't know him. I've never really seen him in interviews either. [But] yeah, he's cute. I'm a huge fan of the Twilight series." — Kelly Clarkson hearts Robert Pattinson! And she wrote a song, "Empty As I Am," inspired by the characters, which might make it on to the New Moon soundtrack. [Mirror]
• "I have people coming up to me all the time on the street and saying, 'My daughter's gay; thank you for this.' People send me e-mails like, 'My mother was going to take away my cellphone (and this and that) because I told her I was gay. She saw the movie and now she says she loves me.' It's a very powerful response. I get a lot of questions from people saying, when is it going to go to Ireland, to India…That gives me hope, that it's such a powerful story, being the truth, that it will transcend these other cultures and get Mary's message across." — Sigourney Weaver, on playing Mary Griffith, who attempted to save her gay son's soul by religious means before his suicide. [LA Times]
• "It's a mix of curiosity, fascination, respect and bewilderment. Twitter freaks me out. You have followers? It feels so obsessive and proprietary. It has great applications, and it's effective, I get it. But 'I did something, I did something else, I'm at it again.' Why? I'm still getting over YouTube, people. These breakthroughs are coming at such velocity that before you get your sea legs, there's another wave hitting you." — Mos Def. [USA Today]
• "I think she's much more raw in the third season. You see everything that's happening to her, so you see her more open and vulnerable, though she's being deceptive. You see her really desperate, which is a different side to her. I've been playing the character for so long now it comes naturally. [That allows me] to be more confident, take more risks, go bigger. In my film work, I'm scared to go too big — it's projected on the big screen and what not — but on Big Love, I feel I have a lot more freedom." — Chloe Sevigny on playing Nicolette "Nicki" Grant. [LA Times]
• "When I was a child my parents threatened to send me to a convent. I've often wondered how that would have worked out. I'd have made a terrible nun. I'm a good Catholic girl in the way that Madonna is. In the sense that I'm not that good at all. If the church is having a hard time recruiting nuns, I'd make an ideal poster girl. 'Become a nun or else end up like her!'" — Heather Graham. [Daily Mail]
• "I am who I am-a regular guy with a great job. How I'm analyzed belongs to someone else. In a few minutes, I've got a kid's game to go to, and then I'm taking our daughter to auditions. Today, that's my job." — Denzel Washington. [Reader's Digest]
• "The problem with Harry Potter is that there is so little controversy. It would be so great for the press if one of them would go off the rails and end up in rehab, but they are, actually, just really sweet guys." — Jason Isaacs, who plays Lucius Malfoy. [Telegraph]
• "The moment that changed me for ever ... was becoming a vegetarian aged 17; my whole life changed. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the woods near my house and felt a connection to the birds and trees." — Chrissie Hynde. [Independent]
• "I really wish I could play, but I don't at all." — Princess Beatrice, on polo. [Telegraph]
• "I never said (I wasn't returning). I just said that I'm not sure. It's called, um, 'negotiating.'" — Paula Abdul on whether she'll return to American Idol. [UPI]
• "When people talk about reincarnation, I always feel that if there is such a thing, this is definitely my first time, because I'm always amazed. I'm both amazed at how horrifically we can treat each other and all other living things, and also amazed at the wonder and the beauty. I'm like: 'Oh my God, look at that bird!' or 'Look at that flower!' literally every single day. I can't get over how people are putting so much energy and so many resources into going to Mars when everything we could ever dream of is on this planet, if we just take care of it. What do they have on Mars? They don't even have oxygen up there!" — Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• "I can never get close. My No. 1 job is always, always, always stand-up. It has to be a no-holds-barred attitude. Let me give you an example. I met Drew Barrymore a couple times. I went to a party at her house. And she said, 'You know, you should come to one of my small dinner parties, we hate the same people.' But if I'm sitting next to Courtney Love and she falls over, I can't not put it in the act. I'm responsible to my audience the way most people feel responsible to their Lord Jesus." — Kathy Griffin. [LA Times]
• "I learned that when you yell, nobody hears you. The best communicators have to live and present themselves in a peaceful manner. And that's going to be a lifelong quest of mine. I don't have a temper. I've never broken everything. I've never thrown a thing. But I have passion. If I feel passionate, you're going to know." — Rosie O'Donnell. [CBS News]
• "It depends where you are in the world. It's not brilliant here in Britain compared to, for example, Scandinavia – maternity leave and everything is different and they're much more clued in to what parents and children need. We still have quite a lot of Victorian principles hanging on, you can see it and feel it." — Emma Thompson, on Britain not being helpful to working mothers. [Daily Express]
• "I'm taking a year off. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm not going to act, write or anything like that. I'll be a mum, teach drama at my daughter's school, I'll cook meals and have fun, go out with my friends, I'll go to movies and not think about working. I'll see what bubbles up after that." — Emma Thompson. [Mirror]
• "I was insane to go on the Spice tour three months after having [my son]Beau. I wouldn't put myself through it again. At the time I was very self conscious about it all. It was awful. I remember being on stage and going numb and thinking everyone was looking at my body and that it wasn't perfect and I was next to the other girls […] Can you believe [Mel B] does 600 [sit ups a day]? That's nuts. Twenty sit ups and I'm done." — Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. [Mirror]
• "I'm convinced he plays for the other team. I even had my gay friends assess the situation" — Bethenny Frankel, joking about her boyfriend, Jason Hoppy. [Page Six]
• "I think what Drew and I found was a connection very similar to the connection between the characters. We adored each other; we played off each other. I can't imagine doing it with anybody else. It's two parts of a whole, really." — Jessica Lange, on Grey Gardens. [LA Times]
• "I'm an awkward kid from Long Island who had a dream about going to New York and becoming an actress. That's who I still am in my core… I fell into this phenomenon. Huge. Huge. This doesn't happen to most people. I'm lucky in that the way I look has never gotten me anything." — Edie Falco. [UPI]
• "I haven't done any exercise since October. I haven't done a thing. So who knows how I'm holding it together." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]

The Good: Lurve Kristen Bell's soft - but modern! - silhouette, obviously the best costume for a shitty premiere.


Le Silk Sak: Aw, Ashley Olsen looks so pretty when she smiles and stands up straight! (Eating spinach is also a good idea!)


The Inevitable Bandage: Cheryl Hines always looks the proverbial million bucks, but one has to wonder sometimes about Leger's chef d'ouevre: does it look flattering, or just like you're strapped in really, really tight?


Lady in Red: Does it seem like we've seen Heather Graham wear this (many times) before? And if so, is that a problem? Thinking caps, kids.


The Cocktail: Ooh, Angela Kinsey looks like she's about to break into a sultry rendition of "Black Coffee." (My fantasy world involves a lot of karaoke.)


Hills Are Alive: What's with this cast's obsession with silk charmeuse? Don't they understand that 85% of the time it looks cheap and crummy? No? Okay, then.


The Glasses Question: May I just say: I wish Rachael Harris didn't remove her glasses, always, for formal dos, because she looks smashing in them, and is a good spectacle ambassador, and glasses aren't a sometimes treat!


Picture Worth At Least A Thousand Words. Not a thousand good words, more things like "rth5" and "mjl;[" and "t/,;erlkwf!!!!!"


What Say You about Sasha Barrese's sweet sixteen special?


Not to suggest that we'd call a person's physiognomy good, bad, or ugly!


So why is this here? Hmm...hard to say...

[Images via Getty]

• Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt were kicked off of a yacht due to "inappropriate" behavior. The couple were making out, to the dismay of other passengers ,who cheered when the captain tossed them off. [Mirror]

• Jessica Biel says she'd love to star in a movie with her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, someday: "If it was the right thing, yeah, I would love to costar with Justin," she says, "I just don't know what the right thing is, though." [People]
• Clay Aiken has apologized for comments he made about Adam Lambert on his blog: "I do apologize to Adam for my colorful (and negative) choice of words. I hope he can forgive me. I imagine he doesn't give a d—-! God knows he shouldn't." [USWeekly]
• Meanwhile, Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become the lead singer of Queen. [Reuters]
• Blind Item: "Which married actor is wildly flamboyant among friends and business associates, but when he sits down with an interviewer or goes out in public, he suddenly reins in the swishing and tries to pass for straight? Who's buying it?" [BlindGossip]
• Katie Holmes will perform at the PBS National Memorial Day Concert. "It's important to tell these stories and honor the sacrifice and service of these men and women and their families," Holmes says, "It's a real gift to be able to portray an American of such strength. I'm excited. I want to do justice to her story." [JustJared]
• Rapper Drake denies that he's dating Rhianna: "It's not like that at all. I'm being honest. She's just a friend, that's all," Drake says, "Nothing at all happened. I have the most respect for her. I think she's so talented." [TheSun]
• Katie Price, aka Jordan, says she wants a second chance with her estranged husband, Peter Andre. "‘I'll take Pete back tomorrow. I'll drop the divorce if he gives me another chance." [DailyMail]
• Peter, however, isn't too sure about a reconciliation: "I wish you had heard MY pleas when we were married." [Mirror]
• Is Zac Efron going to dump Vanessa Hudgens? "Zac's been told that to go from a teen idol to a major movie star, he has to distance himself from his HSM image," says a source, "One big thing that means is no more Vanessa. When people see them together, they think of their characters." [ShowbizSpy]
• "I went to a strip club to prepare for the role but it was a big disappointment. I'd taken these classes on how to dance but if you go to a strip club, no-one's dancing. Everyone just stands there. The girls are all just on stage and it's all about lap dances." -Heather Graham [ONTD]
• Barry Humphries says that if he wrote his own obituary, his alter-ego, Dame Edna would be left out completely: "It would be pretty well a catalogue of excessive compliments. It would just say what a very nice person I am, and what a generous hearted and sentimental person I am, and it wouldn't make any reference to Edna at all." [DailyExpress]
• ""Even though fame came all of a sudden, it didn't come too soon. I had already worked as a waitress in the real world, so I already had my group of friends and I'm still in touch with the same people. Only a few of my friends are actresses. In my friends I find unconditional love."-Jennifer Aniston [ShowbizSpy]
• Janice Dickinson on Tyra Banks' firing of Paulina Porizkova: "Tyra rolls like that, she likes to fire people just about when she's promising them large amounts of money, they get the axe, like I did.... then she takes the money and runs." [Examiner]
• Susan Boyle will perform a duet with Donny Osmond in Las Vegas. [Mirror]
• Annie Leibovitz is closer than ever to bankruptcy. [PageSix]
• "The deeper I got into my addiction, the tighter the lid got on my creativity. When I got sober the lid just came off. In seven months I accomplished more than I could accomplish in three or four years doing drugs."-Eminem [NYTimes]
• "The truth is what I'm a role model for is the ability to change culture, the ability for a young woman who may not be the most popular girl in school or the most beautiful or the best at everything to bust her arse and never give up and make something of herself."- Lady GaGa [ONTD]

[Los Angeles, May 4. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

The Good:

Was Michelle Obama's Jason Wu (which I've already heard called "bridal" and "toga-like") the gown of our dreams? Maybe not, but she looked stunning. Here, at the Western Ball.


How gorgeously festive is Jill Biden at the Commander in Chief's Ball?


Kerry Washington - at the Creative Coalition Ball at the Harman Center- heats things up a few degrees!


Love, love, love how much fun Marisa Tomei - at CC - is having with this!


Speaking of retro! Beyonce was Etta James-glam at the Neighborhood Ball!


Anne Hathaway (at Creative Coalition)does classic glam like a pro.


Amy Brenneman (at the Inaugural Purple Ball at the Fairmont Hotel) is a brave woman in 30's-style silk!


Heather Graham's CC gown is subdued, but undeniably elegant.


Alfre Woodard (at the Harman) is absolutely pristine.


I love the boldness of Susan Sarandon (at CC) doing menswear!


At Creative Coalition: Kim Raver rocks the ethereal trend to good affect!


The Bad:
Danielle Bisutti's Purple Ball gown is like "Poison" perfume in dress form. If that's what you're going for...!


Rachael Leigh Cook's CC gown has about ten too many tiers.


Another ruffly choice: Ashley Judd's PB pick reminds me of the toilet paper gowns I used to make my dolls!


Loving Shani Rigsbee's squash-like color choice for the PB, but why so tight?


I like plenty about Kate Walsh's CC dress...but what's with the belt notches?!


[Images via Getty]

The Good:
Amy Adams can put a dress over like no one else!


I like Eva Amurri's nod to the cold with black tights.


Viola Davis looks classically, sexily elegant.


Again, Melissa Leo gets serious points for an actually weather-appropriate gown. And how often in this life does one get to sing, "She wore blue velvet..." in an off-key Isabella Rossellini voice?


Heather Graham works total bombshell.


The Bad:
I'm not saying it's easy to pull off a "Where the Wild Things Are" costume, but unlike Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway has a bad habit of being worn by her clothes.


I hate, hate, hate the way this bodice cuts across Salma's chest!


Alina Cho's basic black looks just fine...and then you hit the bows.


The Ugly:
MaybE Veronica Webb is celebrating her freedom from being a fashion guru on Tim Gunn's Guide To Style...by looking awful?

[Images via Getty]

The Good:
If Heather had worn this a few days earlier, she just might have made the year's Top Ten!


Her casual change of clothes, while less spectacular, is vintage H.G. — she's always pulled off California flower child extra-well.


Violante Placido does a cool, easy iteration on the GBU.


Is Elsa Zylberstein wearing flats? Either way, this is a pretty slip of a dress.


The Bad:
Tori Praver has forgotten her pants.


Look, I get asymmetry. But Gisella Marengo looks like she lost a sleeve en route, and there's very little excuse for this unflattering and uncomfy breast action.


Tiziana Rocca's high neckline would be unflattering in the best of circumstances. Which this gown most certainly is not.


The Ugly:
Short-crotched jumpsuit plus feather boa = alchemy of horrible for Isabella Ragonese.

[Images via Getty]

[Naples, Italy; December 28. Image via INF]

[New York, December 8. Image via INF]

Morocco, November 22. Image via Flynet.

• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams: SPLIT! "They've been fighting for six months," says a source. Their daughter, Matilda, is 23 months old. [Star]
  
• Michelle's dad says he has "great respect for Heath" even though the dad was "never invited into their world." Maybe because he's self-exiled in Australia for tax evasion?[News.com.au]
  
• Owen Wilson is on the mend and "doing very well" says director Wes Anderson. [NY Post]
  
• In addition, "When [Owen's] ready he's going to speak for himself much better than anyone else could," Anderson says. [People]
  
• Grey's Anatomy actress Kate Walsh, 39, got married over the weekend. [People]
  
• Dina Lohan's new boyfriend calls Michael Lohan a violent, drug-abusing criminal who never deserved his "classy, intelligent" wife. It's like a Telenovela, come to life! [Page Six]

• Photographer David LaChappelle "hates" Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera and Madonna. It's like a Telenovela come to life! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which singer keeps her slender frame so thin the old-fashioned way? Seems a 'major eating disorder' helps keep her midriff worth baring." [Page Six]
• Is Kelly Klein really using her own (50-year-old) eggs to get pregnant? Why does anyone care? [Page Six]
• A "frenzied female fan" rushed Brad Pitt at the Venice Film Festival, and he was shaken up, poor thing. [Page Six]
• But Brad and Angelina are ready for a fifth child! They don't have one from South America yet, so we think they should head to Peru or something. [People]
• Did Gisele Bundchen send Bridget Moynahan's new baby a onesie with the word "supermodel" on it? Because that would be crazy. [Gatecrasher]
• Zach Braff, Nicole Richie and Samantha Ronson dined together at Dominick's in L.A. on Wednesday night. Zach is everywhere. [Gatecrasher, 5th item]
• Blind item! "Which Hollywood megastar couple likes to have the hotel where they stay in New York clip flattering pictures of them and their child from the celeb weeklies, to put in frames before they arrive at their suite?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• A former manager claims Mariah Carey owes him major bucks. [Rush & Molloy]
• Russell Simmons: did yoga with John Edwards? Likes Kucinich?? [Rush & Molloy, 3rd item]
• When John Mayer and Jessica Simpson were dating, Jessica would "call photographers and set him up all the time," says a source. [TMZ]
• The child welfare official from Malawi who was supposed to go to London to assess Madonna has been removed from the case under allegations he solicited money from the singer for the trip. Messy! [ABC News]
• Pete Doherty missed his court appearance because he'd checked into rehab. It's like déjà vu all over again! [Reuters]
• Usher finally married his 37-year-old baby mama. [USA Today]
• Courtney Love denies she said "I've never seen anyone take as much coke" as Amy Winehouse. "Even I wasn't that bad." Her denial was via Perez Hilton, sigh. [Mirror]
• The Israeli actress-model-artist who dated Olivier Martinez after he broke up with Kylie Minogue speaks! "What they say about French lovers is all true." [Daily Mail]
• Bill Murray was stopped by the police while driving a golf cart in downtown Stockholm. [Yahoo! News]