Somehow—how, Lord, how—we're in the midst of yet another debate about mandatory vaccination, even as Disneyland-born measles crawls across seven states. Clearly, now's also the time for Republicans to show how much they hate oppressive Big Government rules—like vaccines, of course, or forcing people who handle your…
It seems silly that we’re about to have this conversation, but people really need to start washing their hands. Like, right the fuck now. Oh, what’s that? You already wash your hands thoroughly after each bathroom visit, scrubbing with soap until you create a nice lather, and then rinsing under warm water? LIAR!
Despite major advances in technology and innovation, infection spreads at modern-day hospitals like dysentery spread on (your last game of) Oregon Trail. Studies have shown that without encouragement, hospital employees only wash their hands about 30 percent of the time they're interacting with patients. Paging Dr.…
Well, it is. That one magical day every fall when Hand Santa-tizer (SORRY) plops down the chimney and fills all the dirty children's socks with Purell. Make sure you leave some urinal cakes out for him to snack on! Then go scrub your filth.
• What do you do when you find a skunk stuck in a jar of peanut butter? Call the Skunk Whisperer, obviously! Here is a video of him rescuing the hapless animal from his nutty prison. •
Confession: for the past year, I have been washing my hands not just after, but also before I pee.