Jezebel 
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New York, 3:31 AM
Tue Nov 24
65 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/23/09
The land was ours before we were the land's.
She was our land more than a hundred years
Before we were her people. She was ours
In Massachusetts, in Virginia.
But we were England's, still colonials,
Possessing what we still were unpossessed by,
Possessed by what we now no more possessed.
Something we were withholding made us weak.
Until we found out that it was ourselves
We were withholding from our land of living,
And forthwith found salvation in surrender.
Such as we were we gave ourselves outright
(The deed of gift was many deeds of war)
To the land vaguely realizing westward,
But still unstoried, artless, unenhanced,
Such as she was, such as she would become.
#groupthink
11/23/09
I'm embarrassed how little Robert Frost I've read. I mean, I've read the standard high school stuff, but never went beyond that. I should get a collection.
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11/23/09
I am a first line/ last line snob. If I don't like the first line of a book, I may not read further.
And I treat last lines as sacred. I will put my hand over the last paragraph on the last page of the book to avoid skimming ahead. I'm a sucker too for the good lines.
"Such as we were we gave ourselves outright"
Now if that's not a motto for living life, I don't know what is!
11/23/09
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11/23/09
I'm glad I'm not alone. I once shouted at my boyfriend for talking to me when I was on the last page of a book. Dammit, he should be able to tell!!
Some of my favorite last lines: Great Gatsby, Farewell to Arms (not my fav book, but the last few lines are Hemingway genius) and The Road. Love The Road.
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12:21 AM
Another confession: I had to read the last paragraph of Gatsby in a seminar once (Starting: Gatsby believed in the green light...). I got tears in my eyes and was totally embarrassed. After class, my professor, who was a crotchety old man, came up to me and shook my hand. It was such a nice gesture, it still gets me almost 7 years later. A kindred spirit.
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12:43 AM
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11/23/09
Um. Someone has a new haircut.
Oh Eric...I mean Alex..so sexy.
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
I have a sort of history with self-harm, and tonight I just can't get it off my mind. I don't think I'll do anything; I haven't since I was about 15 or 16, but I realized I had a phone full of numbers, but no friends to call when I need someone to talk to. And I know I don't know you Jezzies in real life, but reading this site always makes me feel happy. I don't know where I'm going with this or what I want.
I hate being trans. I hate it so much. I hate feeling worthless and stupid because I am not what everyone else is. I hate that I can't make up my mind, that it consumes everything I fucking do. I hate that I can't make the choice to transition without so many dangers, so many pitfalls to avoid. I hate that I am a prisoner to this stupid body that everyone tells me to love, to love, that isn't it wonderful, I don't know what I have. When all I really want to do is change it all and I don't even know why. I hate being who I am, and that I will never measure up, and everything I use to measure myself against what I think is good and right, I can never do. I am not smart enough, I can't make friends well, I am not useful, all I do is sit in my apartment and be a stupid, selfish jerk who doesn't want to go out or do anything. I hate that there are people who want to hurt me because of how I am. I never did anything to you, I don't want to hurt you, I don't wish anything bad on you, why do you hate me so much?! Why do you think it's okay to laugh when trans people die? Like we don't feel pain? Like we aren't real fucking people to you? Like we don't fucking off ourselves to stop inconveniencing the world, and because we're tired, we're so tired of fighting against ourselves and losing? I don't want that. I am trying so hard to build an identity that I like, but it won't make peace between my mind and body, it won't make me okay. I don't know what will, and I am sick of trying to figure it out.
I hate that it's November, and my sister would have been 19 a few days ago, but she isn't here, and she'll never be here, and that instead of turning to my family for help, I just avoid them. I love my sister, and I know I can always turn to her for help, but right now she is at work and I don't want to bother her and make her upset. I sometimes wish my little sister had never happened, but then I feel like the worst person ever - I loved her, and we all did, and sometimes shit happens. It's a bell curve, some people die at one end, and some people die at the other. She happened to be on the earlier side.
I'm sorry. I just don't really know what else to do. I know that Jezebel is a place where people are smart and understanding and it's unlikely any of you are going to shout at me because I'm trans, so I feel like I can let it out. I'm sorry that I'm being weird and depressed and crazypants. I want to delete this whole thing, but I don't want to at the same time. I don't know what I want and I don't know who to tell it to.
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11/23/09
Have you talked to a trans-positive therapist? He or she could probably help you work through some of your fears and questions about transitioning. But please know, just because there are some hateful people out there, there are also plenty of people who can and do love you for who you are... even strangers. And this stranger wishes you the best. <3
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11/23/09
I wish I could comfort you in some small way, but I know I can't.
Everything is so difficult, please try and find comfort in small things, talk to your family, friends, as well as a therapist, I'm sure they want what's best for you. I don't know you, but I also want that for you.
Please take care
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Just know that there are people out there sending some happy thoughts and positive vibes, ridiculous internet hug hearts and comments wishing you all the best. I'm glad you got to talk to someone and are feeling better.
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11/23/09
NO OF COURSE MY PERIOD ISN'T PRECISELY 1 WEEK FROM NOW. Oh wait. That explains why I considered donking my husband on the head with my cast iron skillet when he politely asked for an extra egg this morning.
Anyone else suffer from PMDD around here? How do you deal with it? I took zoloft for a while, but it caused me to have tracers when I would turn my head, and it worried me when I drove. (Weird, but this used to happen to me when I smoked pot when I was younger, too). I don't really suffer from depression during this time, but a crazy anxious feeling. I hate that I truly do have all those stereotypical emotions and overreactions right before my period. Does anyone else have PMS like this?
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Also, yoga helps a lot with the anxiety.
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
11/23/09
I mostly get in my angry quiet li'l bubble and don't really talk that much for about a week and kinda just keep to myself, think gloomy thoughts about everything and then slowly ease of it and then I'm a hoot and half and fun me me again. :)
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11/23/09
My mom was an addict, but I still remained very attached to her through my teen years, and tried my hardest not not to trigger her, so screaming was a big fucking outrage in my head.
I was on a low dose hormone birth control at the time, and the once a month extreme anger would still strike me.
I've moved on, and am much older now, and no longer on birth control due to spotting, low sex drive and basically, exaggerated symptoms of PMDD. I've had two kids since the age of 21. The first one, I took a progesterone only birth control that caused me to bleed constantly for 3 months, and have bizarre mood swings for at least 4. So, yeah, progesterone is not so good for me. After the second, I took Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, which caused constant spotting and erratic mood swings. I went to my GYN and she let me know what I was experiencing was PMDD. Like I said before, zoloft didn't help because my depression was mild, but my anxiety and hyperactivity was high. I also had tracers, which weren't comfortable, since I had two kids to cart around.
Now I just try to deal with the anxiety, and hyperactivity. It's only 1 or 2 weeks (on a bad month) of this crap. What makes it worse, is alienating the people I care about because I know that I will snap, and be angry at them for reasons that seem dumb, after I menstruate.
Luckily, my kids don't seem to upset me like my husband, and family does. I can only imagine what this must be like for people that are affected by their kids. PMDD, go suck a fart.
#tips
11/23/09
I've noticed that my lows aren't as low now that I'm on Lutera (low dose BC). Previously I was on the 7/7/7 one and it made ca-razy. It was like my moods switched and instead I was happy-go-lucky for a week and depressy for 3 weeks. It sounds weird but I could seriously like feel the hormones racing through me after taking it each day. My Gyn said that it was way too strong a dose for me cause I'm kinda little and so we're trying this Lutera business. (my Primary Care Phys was the one who prescribed that other one). So I take it for 3 straight packs, take a 3 day break and then jump back on. So we'll see how it goes.
And I totally get what you're saying about alienating people. I feel so horrible about it too. My poor family. My mom calls them my quiet moods. So they're kinda used to the pattern by now.
Dumb hormones. :-/
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
That's what I bank on every month. Try not to snap on anyone, and in a week or so you'll be fine. No one will notice. My husband and I are close, and he knows that the week or two before my period I may not be as stable as I normally am. He's the only person that seems to understand that the mood swings and hyperactivity are beyond my control. It's nice not to have to block someone out of my life, just because I'm afraid of freaking out on them over a small issue.
It's wonderful that your family is able to understand that it isn't something you are doing intentionally. I hope that Lutera works out for you, and helps you deal with the symptoms. No one deserves to deal with this on top of a normal social life.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one out there.
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
So I was reading about Inspector Lewis
Laurence Fox (Wisley in Becoming Jane)was born in 1978 and is the son of James Fox who will be making a guest appearance in "Lewis" (S3 EP.1) 'Allegory of Love'.
He is the nephew of Edward Fox who appeared in an episode of "Inspector Morse" back in 1992 called 'Dead on Time' . Edward and Joanna are the parents of the actress, Emilia Fox (Georgiana Darcy in Pride and Prejudice)
Emilia Fox is currently married to (but in the process of divorcing) actor Jared Harris (Lane Pryce in Mad Men) who is the son of the late actor, Richard Harris
Laurence Fox is married to the actress and former teenage pop star, Billie Piper (went to school with my husband and was Fanny Price in Mansfield Park)
I think I have to stop watching TV
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Also, very ... jealous(?) that your husband went to school with Billie Piper. That's awesome!
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
[www.huffingtonpost.com]
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
This does not bode well for the rest of the week.
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Woke up five minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off and though "I'll just stay all toasty for five minutes" and then didn't wake up again until 20 minutes after I was supposed to be at work. Then, I remembered I ran out of coffee yesterday and so I couldn't make my coffee. Also, as I'm going home on Wednesday night, I've been saving up my laundry so I could do it at home for free. Realized as I scurried around this morning that I had no clean clothes for work, so I had to start pulling stuff out of the hamper. And I did I mention NO COFFEE?
On the upside, I made it to work, my boss wasn't mad at me, and the week is short! I'm now going to go find the office coffee maker and remedy the other problem...
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11/23/09
[www.variety.com]
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Worth watching and very sexy.
[www.imdb.com]
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
Shame they are not adapting other C. Bronte novels, I would love to be able to watch Vilette
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11/23/09
How are you?
A tune to help you get out of bed and into the shower.
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
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11/23/09
[en.wikipedia.org]
I wasn't very keen on the whole album, but it was fun and different.
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11/23/09
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11/22/09
Why, you might ask?
Because I'm too hung up on my extremely anti-choice ex boyfriend (even in the case of rape and incest) who broke up with me because I wasn't Catholic enough for him.
ARGH FML. SOMEONE SLAP SOME SENSE INTO ME.
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11/22/09
"STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!." Then I hug you and give you cookies.
Not about the nice, attractive liberal gentleman. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready, the end. BUT... being hung up on some dumb mf'r who broke up with you because you aren't Catholic enough?
More cookies?
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11/22/09
I'm casually seeing someone new who is terrific in many ways, and I'm thrilled about it. But I'm definitely still hung up on SSD and will be for the forseeable future.
Don't beat yourself up about not being ready. It's better, I believe, to know you're not ready than to go charging blindly forth and ending up worse off than before.
*more hugs, more cookies*
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11/22/09
@SomeAuthorGirl: aw, thanks :) Cheers to one day moving on from SSD and supercatholic.
Hugs and cookies.
(and a cupcake!)
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11/22/09
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11/22/09
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11/23/09
Seriously. :)
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11/23/09
:)
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11/22/09
Went on date #2 with a nice guy last night. He seems a little shy, and there has been NO physical contact whatsoever except for a hand on my elboy to indicate that the pedestrian light had turned green.
Am I wrong to think that even a hug goodnight would habe been appropriate?
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11/22/09
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11/22/09
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11/21/09
I've just flirted with the waiter, I'm incorrigible
11/21/09
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11/21/09
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11/21/09
Insofar as I am lazy, self absorbed, and capable of lounging in the sun for inordinate amounts of time.
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11/21/09
Not my cup of tea. In high school I got an astrology book as a gift from my cousin, and I used to delight in reading people the wrong sign. They would be all "that's so accurate!" and I would laugh when I revealed what I had done. What an asshole move, right?
I've never gotten a chart or anything, but I just think astrology is too vague. I also really hate the idea that my destiny is written in the stars. But I'm a pretty cynical person who doesn't believe in much of anything.
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11/21/09
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11/21/09
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11/21/09
when we had little rexie, we had her chart done, and so far its been a great insight into her personality and needs as a young child.
alright, rereading that makes me come off as completely crazy! i swear i'm relatively sane/normal!
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11/22/09
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11/23/09
I knew a family friend who was a psychic, and she did a full year's overview for me a couple years ago. It was insanely accurate, from the first time I read it until after the year had passed. And it all meant something different each time I went back to look at it. It was like the entire year was fractal, and one month had a similar structure to three months, six months, nine months, and the entire year... if that makes sense. She didn't know very much about me personally, other than enough to make suggestions for how to handle what was coming up (like saying a certain time would be good for writing, because she knew I liked to write). So it was all from the chart.
A funny thing... I am a Gemini, born in the Year of the Horse (the Gemini year of the Chinese zodiac), a Vata dosha in Ayurveda (the most scatterbrained & neurotic dosha), a life path 4 in numerology (grandiose, idealistic, & stubborn), and an INFP (the idealist) personality type.
In real life, I have severe ADD, which is described perfectly by all of those types/signs/paths/whatever. Surprise surprise! A good astrologer could have predicted that the moment I was born. :)
I also have a family history of ADD, and a huge percentage of my family members are Geminis. And we tend to surround ourselves with Libras; I have two Libra aunts, and I'm dating a Libra. So draw from that what you will...
That stuff is fun for understanding a person as a whole, but as far as day to day/forecast stuff goes, I think that Vedic astrology is the most accurate, because it goes into more detail than a catch-all label can. Nobody is 100% anything, and the people who don't seem to get much out of astrology or relate to their sign probably have opposing stuff in their chart & don't know it. You can be a Pisces overall, but be a Cancer in relationships and a Taurus in your work, and you won't identify with descriptions of Pisces because they use relationship or work situations as examples of how a Pisces handles things.
I don't think there's necessarily anything magical or spiritual about it, though. To me, it's like being naturally gifted at climbing because your parents were a mountaineer and an acrobat, & you're genetically predisposed to balance and coordination. If you didn't know who your parents were, you'd have no way of knowing what your natural strengths are, but if you don't WANT to climb, you don't have to, and there's still no guarantee that you'll succeed. And you can use those same strengths for anything, even things where they aren't thought of as important.
I don't know if where the earth is in relation to the cosmos imprints itself on a person the second they're born, but it makes sense to me that what time period it is when you're going through certain milestones can have an affect on your personality. And that certain times can have unique qualities - Spring is hopeful, explosive, warm, dynamic, and novel, while November through January is religious, festive, community-oriented, sensual, and ritualistic. If you're forming pattern recognition or experiencing your first tactile input, your environment at the time is important, and whatever you have to work with then becomes the standard for the rest of your life. I don't know how it would work since seasons happen at different times all over the world, but maybe the same sort of thing holds true on a larger, more cosmic scale. Like how it just "feels like a Wednesday" sometimes, or "the 60's" has a distinctly different flavor than "the 20's" on a worldwide scale. And a culture's calendric system almost always corresponds it's cultural values, which seems to say that how we think of time determines how we think of everything else in life. Like our Western calendar - it's highly organized, predictable, unchanging, mathematical, heirarchical, simultaneously atheistic & dogmatic, and focuses on short term change without changing or cycling on a large scale. In contrast, Vedic calendars recognize four large scale cycles, each with their own qualities, that are like months that last for thousands of years, and each has personal qualities like peace, confusion, war, chaos, technology, or regeneration, representing an exchange of power that is democratic compared to our calendar, which is monarchistic (where the laws aren't influenced by the people who obey them, and authority is god-given). Both are accurate in predicting & describing different slices of time, and every system has points where it falls short (we had to make up leap years and daylight savings times for our system to be reliable, & Vedic time requires participation and interpretation, and relies on unpredictable events to transition from one phase to the next). So depending on what you're trying to do, there is a map for locating yourself & understanding where you're starting from, a method of traveling from place to place, and emphasis on different varieties of natural occurances in space - if you need to know what kind of plants grow in Peru, knowing what the average rainfall is, or the name of the country and all of the states and counties and cities within it, isn't enough. If you're trying to get from Africa to Canada, a bike will only take you so far. A map of the Milky Way Galaxy won't help you find your hotel, and your cab driver will be pissed/confused if you point to anywhere on it and say "take me there". Astrology is only worthwhile if you understand what it's describing, and aren't trying to apply it to something it's not appropriate for. But just because it's not designed for the purpose you're using it for doesn't mean it isn't legitimate, so when people disregard astrology, I think it's because they're asking it a question that it can't answer... or because they're asking the right question, but they thought, "well, Essex and Portland are both on Earth, I don't have to get too specific" and bought the wrong map, while they're trying to find their way around Chicago.
And it can only determine your destiny as much as it is "your destiny" to experience the sun rising in the morning and live with everyone saying that it's Monday. A horoscope telling you "you will handle a crises rationally and unemotionally today" is as meaningful as someone telling you "you are going to wear a Santa Clause hat tomorrow" when it's the day before Christmas. The probability of that statement being true is higher then than any other time, but you could figure it out yourself just by paying attention, and you can choose not to include yourself in the statistical majority.
Sorry if I wrote an effing novel :). I'm really interested in this stuff... and I could go into a million more rants, about the I-Ching as a snapshot of our individual position in time, or the individual's identity and personal evolution in the context of, and parallel to, stages of human evolution, or psychological imprinting as a microcosm of the archetypes of weekdays, moon cycles, and Greek Gods, or the history of art as a parallel to the synaptic development of children, and blahblahblah, but I shall not do that :P. Basically... astrology is the Pikachu to a whole Pokedex full of hundreds of monsters, & there's an entire universe connected to that cute little yellow guy that everyone can recognize. It can look stupid if you don't know what you're looking at, but whether you dig it or not, there's a lot of structure there, and you can learn the rules & play, and it will work :]. It'll do what it claims to do, even if there are some really garbage spin offs and embarassingly silly aspects to it.
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11/23/09
There's a big difference between fortune tellers and astrologers. A fortune teller is someone who's using a knowledge of astrology to manipulate people's emotions and trick them out of their money. A real astrologer would just tell you what's up, without attaching emotionally charged statements about who you are as a person to it.
An example... A fortune teller would look at you, see that you're wearing a Beatles t-shirt, and tell you that you're the reincarnation of John Lennon or George Harrison, and if you pay for a psychic session, they'll help you remember your past life, and you'll start seeing signs once you leave. A legit astrologer would see that you're wearing a Beatles t-shirt, and tell you about the huge sale the record store down the street is having on Beatles vinyl & memorabilia... and not use their knowledge of it happening to manipulate you into believing something mystical is happening when you come across it.
It's easy to mess with people when you know something they don't... sit some kid down in front of Dora The Explorer for the first time & tell them that the characters will talk to them if they're good, and they'll believe they really are talking to them, and they'll be tricked into being "good". But anyone who understands the premise of the show can play the same game, and use human emotion to make it seem significant & convince you they know something special... They may have knowledge you don't, but as soon as you realize they're a shmuck behind a curtain, it's just mundane information. Not magic... But people like magic, so they ignore the obvious dumbness of the people schlepping it, and let themselves be screwed with...
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11/21/09
And it just made me cry. They were showing video footage of the slaughter and destruction in Poland, Yugoslavia, Denmark, Norway, France, Soviet Union 1940-1941 as Germany invaded. And then the UK--images of London burning, school children in bomb shelters. The only sound over all of this footage-- Churchill's voice and his radio addresses.
And then they show video footage of NY, Washington, Chicago, and San Francisco at the same time. Normal life. Happy life. Oblivious life.
I've been in more seminars about WWII than I can count. And I still cannot understand how we could see the slaughter going on in Europe and not rise up to help. To think that if we could have help end the war even a year earlier-- how many lives could have been saved???
Sorry for the rant :o)
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11/21/09
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11/21/09
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11/21/09
I love that Rob Lowe and LL Cool J are some of the narrators.
I'm a history major, with a focus in 20th century Russia. Studying what WWII (or the Great Patriotic War) means to that country is really powerful, if you're interested. In the US we really elevate this war experience, for some good reasons, but our experience was much shorter and had less of a human cost than most other countries. You seem pretty like you know a lot about this, so you probs already know what I'm talking about. If you ever want to have a nerdfest about, like, Kursk or something, PM me.
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11/21/09
What gets me every time is that these men still get tears in their eyes when recounting their stories. Not that I blame them. But I can't imagine being haunted 60 years later.
You are dead on about the other countries. Russia endured such high losses, it boggles the mind. And I cannot imagine the isolation that the UK felt--waiting on support, but knowing it may never come, and they might have to hold off the Nazis from taking all of Western Europe. And the Central European nations who had been suffering for decades. UGH. War sucks is about all I can say.
Good luck with your studies :o) And I think it's good to still get emotional. It means you love your subject. I was a Phd student for a little while doing a combo of Ancient Rome and the foundation of the American republic. I used to cry reading some of Caesar's letters during his earliest campaigns. So I'm a dork too!