According to DePaulo, groupies either "wait in parking lots after games and are happy just to give oral sex to an athlete" or "are just classy enough to often merit oral sex a second time" (and sometimes jewelry). The rules for them are simple: don't fall in love, don't expect the athlete to leave his wife, and go ahead and angle for gifts as long as they're "paid for upfront" (unlike the Escalade McNair bought mistress/alleged murderer Sahel Kazemi). The rule for athletes, according to "groupie expert" Brenda Thomas, is "You have whatever action you want on the side, but you don't go in too deep."

The odds were stacked against Kazemi from the beginning — DePaulo says 80 to 90% of pro athletes cheat (and McNair was already cheating by being with her), and the two met at Dave & Busters, well-known as a place where the fires of hell rise up to meet Earth. But for a truly depressing precis of where Kazemi went wrong in her life as a commodity, let's hear what else Thomas has to say:

You don't fall in love, okay? And you don't let them know you're in love with them. Because then they begin to push back, they know at that point, you're gonna be needy, you're gonna want them to leave the wife… They want something that's stress free. They don't want nobody saying, ‘Where you going?' Cause they can get that at home.

So what do you do?

Other girls get pregnant, they tell the media, they go harass the wife. But I can't recall anything like this. If she played by the rules, she would have just gotten knocked up. And then she would have had child support payments for life. But she got in too deep. I mean, thank God that other women that she followed, she didn't knock her off too!

Let's recap, ladies. You can give head to an athlete (even twice, if you're classy!) but don't fall in love, or you might turn murderous. Instead, just get knocked up! Because sex is a constant game of quid pro quo in which blowjobs are exchanged for Escalades and intercourse for child support. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go live by a pond for a couple of years.

Secret Code Of Sports Mistresses [Daily Beast]

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