Jezebel 
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New York, 4:04 PM
Wed Nov 25
61 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/14/09
11/13/09
The male host started cross-examining her, with this skeptical hard edge to his voice that I so often hear men, even feminist men, use when the subject of rape comes up, like "When you say 'took advantage', what exactly do you mean?" I flipped the station, because that sort of thing triggers so many horrible memories for me. After flipping around, I accidentally flipped it back to the station and I heard the female host telling her "Honey, the first thing is to realize that he raped you and it's not your fault"
I still turned the station, because I wanted to cheer up with some music, and I didn't want to hear it if the guy had a counterpoint. I guess my point is, it's good for us to raise one another's consciousness. It helps us deal with the pandemic of rape in the world we live in. But it's not enough when so many men think it's okay, and think it's our problem, or think vigilance against false accusations is equally important. It will never end until men decide to cut it out. #rape
11/13/09
11/13/09
Commiserating among women has really been hugely helpful in my healing; I just wanted to point out the limitations of that, and where men, generally speaking, are falling short, because it's to our detriment. #rape
11/13/09
People have a fantastic capacity for denial when it comes to their own wrongdoing. If anything, these guys just wonder why they keep getting in these situations, and if the women realized what cool, nice guys they were, they would have wanted to sleep with them anyway. Repeated instances probably just reaffirm their beliefs that women in general are too dumb to realize how awesome they are, and that the best way to get "sex" is to liquor the ladies up and be a little forceful. They will fool themselves into thinking everyone does it.
And other people will agree with them, because women will think in their head that either they'd never put themselves in a situation like that, or that they aren't so "frigid," and men will be scared that the same accusations will be used against them. #rape
11/13/09
They just don't want to be called rapists. #rape
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(And even though I'm a sorority girl, I really mean that in the non-sorority rush way. :-) ) #rape
11/13/09
I wonder if 'I've got friends, so I can't be a rapist' could also apply. It makes sense that good looking men with girlfriends could assume that they can't be rapists if they're not hiding out in alleys and waving knives, even if all the evidence is there. Especially if their own friends and occasionally their victims are happy to reinterpret reality for them so they don't have to confront it. #rape
11/13/09
11/13/09
I'm taking a course on feminism and sexual assault right now, and it seems as though the change in this law has removed the idea of "gray rape" entirely- the argument of implied consent goes out the window, and the court looks for the defendant to have taken "reasonable steps" for consent. Not that the Canadian legal system totally understands everything, yet, but they're getting closer.
I'm using a lot of quotation marks, but they're necessary. Reasonable steps vary on the situation, and Gray Rape is a non-enforcable, not legal term perpetuated by Cosmo in 2007 ([www.cosmopolitan.com]) as part of their rape denial/forgiveness movement.
The more these studies are done, the more we're going to see the prevalence of sexual assault, and maybe work towards a standard where the perpetrators are targeted for their behaviours, versus the current victim-blaming standard #rape
11/13/09
Men really need to be made more aware of the implications and effects of these things on the victim and be taught to recognize their privelleged position in society. I wish I had a good idea on how to make that happen, but I don't. I have yet to meet a male that really gets it, even the more aware ones among them #rape
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And by the by, the point of the study was not "Hey look at this tiny percentage! See, most men don't rape women. Rad!" but that these men, unwittingly or otherwise, have raped women and felt that it was perfectly fine to have sex with a woman who was too drunk to know what she was doing or to coerce a woman into a sexual act "by force or threat of force."
Only a small percent of high school kids bring guns to school and shoot their teachers and peers. I don't care that it was a small minority. It still happened.
11/13/09
@colormeroutine: Well, yeah. Obviously. I thought that went without saying, but yes, I agree. #rape
11/13/09
11/13/09
Luckily I know he'd never use his powers for evil, but he has no idea what it's like to be at the mercy of someone like that.
I'm not sure how much he gets it, I have (many times) tried to explain the difference between his position as a man and mine as a woman, but there's no way for him to really get it.
He probably hasn't been overpowered by anyone since he was a child playfighting with his dad. And he certainly never worries about it happening again. #rape
11/13/09
When we let it "go without saying" what we're really doing is downplaying it #rape
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Sorry for rambling off all my questions and ponderings. #rape
11/13/09
And yes, the point of Jezebel's coverage of the studies was whether or not the rapists were unwitting or not (yes, unwitting is a word, no, "witting" is not), but, from what I gathered at least, the studies themselves were about what I said they were about in my last post.
11/13/09
11/13/09
But when you start using rape to make gross generalizations about "men" and what we can "brush off"-- well, my opinions on that aren't delicate, either. That's just silly and offensive, IMHO.
And it's not even supported by the facts. It's worth noting that the 120 men (of 1882) in the survey who admitted rape/attempted rape were also much more prone to other violent acts, including domestic abuse, child abuse and child beatings.
So what you have (in the words of the Yes Means Yes! post) is a "relatively small group of men, somewhere between 4% and 8% of the population, who do it again … and again … and again."
[yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com] #rape
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Racists don't think they're racists
Sexists don't think they're sexists
...So anyone who "cries rape" or "plays the race card" or is a "fucking feminazi" is oversensitive, or a liar, or stupid, or all three.
I'm a big fan of the socratic method (or its mental health equivalent, motivational interviewing) - asking people questions in a non-judgmental way, highlighting the cognitive dissonance, and hoping for a "Eureka! I'm a Huge Asshole!" moment. Teaching females how to be safe is a necessary but is only a bandaid; male-focused interventions (and appropriate punishments and censure) are so key. #rape
11/13/09
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I was actually surprised how well it worked, because I was so stubborn back then I was convinced my teachers were hippies. So, if they can get through to me, I'm sure they could get through to those would-be rapists. Well, not the murderous freaks... but the other ones, yeah. #rape
11/13/09
Not much else to say to this. #rape
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Also, they need to bust up the MPAA, because shit like Hostel shouldn't be cool while But I'm a Cheerleader gets cut. #rape
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I know a lot of women who like being aggressively pursued and pressured by a guy (as long as he is attractive to her, of course), and like an element of force in sex. I also know a lot of couples who have gotten together after the man has pursued the woman in a way which I consider totally inappropriate creepy red-flags-everywhere stalking. Some of them seem quite happy and functional.. I dunno.
I'm like the total opposite and get extremely skeeved even by aggressive flirting, so I can't relate. But unfortunately I think there really is a pay-off, that's often accepted, enjoyed, or encouraged by certain women, to the kind of aggressive sexual behavior by guys that isn't rape or assault (as well as the 'pay-off' for some men in actual rape or assault). I don't know how this problem can be solved.. the education and guidance of boys could go a long way though...
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