The most painful thing about Blah Girls is how boring the Web series is. It's like the writers took all the jokes and memes from last year and rolled them into a Hills-like setting (complete with Hills-like pointlessness). Ashton may not realize that on the Internet, jokes have to be super current. Quips about Naomi Campbell throwing cell phones at people? So five minutes ago.

Aside from the moldy topics (including the fresh-from-2002-joke about Gwen Stefani not having pink hair anymore and living in London), the jokes are pretty flat. An example from the "Ex-patriots" episode:

Blah Girl: British guys are so hot! Prince William, Orlando Bloom, Harry Potter...
(A thought-bubble of Harry Potter holding a broom stick pops up)
Harry Potter (In an Elvis voice?): Rub my broomstick, baby.

Hilarious, right?

Another bizarre thing about the website is the racial stereotyping of the black Blah Girl, Tiffany:

Tiffany's bio reveals that her "current location" is "[her] hood" (that's how black people talk!), her biggest weaknesses are "limited edition sneakers" (another thing black people like, right?), and her biggest fear is "getting caught in crossfire." Wait, what?

The Blah Girls also include a token twee gay blogger named Stewart whose pink fauxhawk might lead one to believe that he's a biting satirical representation of Perez Hilton. But that would be expecting too much from this blog. Instead, Stewart is just a stereotypical flamboyant gay who is totes obsessed with clothes and his weight (his bio says that when he grows up he wants to "always be able to fit into skinny jeans") and he supplies the Blah Girls with their celebrity news (or something).

The site also has a heavy product placement deal with Vitamin Water. In the "Adoption" episode, Tiffany says that she wants to drink "Vitamin Water Formula 50" to be "cool like 50."

Hm, I wonder who the site's sponsors are?

Ah, that explains it.

There are some funny things on the site: One Blah Girls' dog is named "Botox." One Blah Girl complains that her step-mother burned down the family summer house after too many "Lexipro and Limoncello cocktails." A caption on a Michael Phelps photo in which he hugs a girl in a bikini reads, "Feel that? That's my ninth medal."

We'd like to think that the site could get funnier. But, since this concerns the doomed post-Punk'd combination of Ashton Kutcher and celebrities (remember Pop Fiction?), we'll pronounce Blah Girls dead on arrival.

Blah Girls
Dude, Is That Your Gossip Site? [Portfolio]

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.
The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she’s so fuckin’ doughy, you wouldn’t be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she’s got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you’re fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she’s just being fashionable. It’ll make things easier for you to get it up."
The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.
The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."
The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.
The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."
The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.
The Evidence: "You’re probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1’s Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I’m not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I’m on the fence with this one because girl’s got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that’s your real name, let’s clear this situation up. Send me nudes."
The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.
The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable — taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo — to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."
The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.
The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!
The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: WWTDD
The Crime: Sexism, misogyny, ageism.
The Evidence: (Referring to SATC)

"In this case, a movie where the hottest guys in New York are lining up to bang some weathered old hags. Rawr, Samantha, you sex kitten you! It’s easy to see why hot young models (this guy, to be specific) are lining up for one night in that dusty old snatch of yours. You’re soooo sexy. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Samantha, but God should have thought have that before he made her so hot."

Frankly, writing "dusty old snatch" is basically a hate crime. And the hate comes from fear. Why are men so fearful of older women? I could launch into a diatribe about the role of the crone in Western history — how powerful medicine women with the knowledge of herbs and cures were turned into "hags" and "witches" by the Christian patriarchy, but I'll refrain. This person probably just hates his mother.
The Sentence: Burning at the stake, of course.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Lookism.
The Evidence:

"Brooke's fugly ass was driving in the center lane of Bayside Bridge when the car in front of her lost control while trying to switch lanes. The car hit Brooke's car and pushed her into a concrete wall. The cops say the accident was not Brooke's fault. I still blame Brooke. The driver in front of her probably caught a glimpse of her fugly fug ass in his rear view mirror and this caused him to lose control."

Calling someone fugly just isn't humorous. Sue me. Your face is the result of a genetic lottery you have no part in; women are mocked if they get plastic surgery and derided if they don't, shamed if they don't fit into some abstract beauty standard, if they're not symmetrical and "feminine" enough. Humans are supposedly evolved creatures. Why do we treat each other this way? (A reader writes: "Car crashes are not funny. Calling Brooke Hogan a man is not funny. Blerg.")
The Sentence: Incredibly serious and painful whiplash.

The Accused: TMZ
First Crime: Name-calling, derogatory sexism.
The Evidence:

"Hills" Babes Skank Their Way To The Top. So on TMZ TV tonight, we're getting to the bottom of the skankiest question in Hollywood — Which "Hills" chick is the biggest tramp? Lauren Conrad was the original Queen Bee, until Heidi raised her game with a couple of "enhancements." But Audrina blew them both out of the water with those nude pics."

And there is a poll. Look, no one is saying that the girls of The Hills are bastions of morality. But "who's the biggest tramp" contest? Really? Juvenile. Sexist. Not funny.
Additional Crime: Lookism.
Reader-Submitted Evidence: "Celebrity But-Her-Face: Some celebs are good from far, but far from good. Check out which stars have everything goin' on ... but their face." It's a slide show of people with "hot bodies" but supposedly not hot faces. And there are men included! That doesn't make it right, however.
The Sentence: An "accident" in which this person is burned in the face with acid.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Lookism, gay-mocking.
Evidence, via a Reader: "Every time Perez Hilton mentions Lindsay Lohan's rumored girlfriend, he calls her saMANtha Ronson. For someone who proclaims to love lesbians, making fun of one because of her homo-flavored gender presentation is a little fucked up, don't you think? Dude isn't trying to look like a lady! Get over it!" Well said.
The Sentence: Temporary blindness. Oh, wait. Longer than that.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: More misogyny!
The Evidence:"

Women are catty and ugly women are catty and insecure, so of course this chick was gonna try to steal Shania's husband. She did it just so she could say, "You see, I can't be that ugly. I stole Shania Twain's husband." When in reality, she looks like Pumba. And Mutt Lange looks like he's been embalmed. In fact, I heard that the reason there are no pictures of these two together is because whenever they try to take one God kills an orphan."

Do you even understand what is going on here? People try to be edgy or snarky and push the limits, and it just comes off as hate speech. If women ARE catty OR insecure surely it is because we're living in a shitty world where we are judged by our looks and people are paid to write this crap.
The Sentence: 90 days (unpaid) working in an all-girls orphanage, teaching tolerance and kindness.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com
The Crime: Should be obvious.
Verdict: SarahJessicaParkerHasMoreMoneyThanYouEverWillSoJustRelax.com
Case dismissed.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Multiple counts, mostly sexism, misogyny and stupidity.
The Evidence:

"'Lindsay Lohan Is gay' Says Dad: Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes."

I would respond to this but I am busy burying my face in my hands and weeping for the future of this planet. BRB.
The Sentence: This one is a real doozy. Suggestions, please.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.
The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.
: (
The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.
The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?
Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.
The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."
Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.

The Accused: Yeeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.
The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???
The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!
The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.
The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."
The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do
The Crime: Suggesting that creamy-skinned Liv Tyler is pasty and obese.
The Evidence: "Liv Tyler was in the Caribbean last week, possibly because she heard there was an island where pale fatties with hilariously small heads were revered as gods. Now she's all set." Liv Tyler is not fat and her skin is gorgeous. End of story.
The Sentence: Talk shit about someone clearly enjoying their vacation and you know what you get? Sunburn and diarrhea.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Baiting us. He knows what's wrong and offensive, what will really set us off, so now that's exactly what he writes. Plus he's trying to be my friend on Facebook now. Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder — of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it? Anyway.
The Evidence: "I am guilty of liking skinny chicks and appreciate any means a girl takes to get herself skinny. I am talking eating disorders, drug addiction, laxatives, extreme cardio, terminal illness, pretty much anything the world offers them to maintain their skinny bodies, because it takes some commitment, determination and it's a lot better seeing a girl frail from starving herself, than watching a girl sit on her fat ass eating donuts. Maybe I'm crazy."
The Sentence: We're still open to suggestions on this one. Thanks in advance.

The Accused: The person behind Hollywood Tuna.
The Crime: A mixture of misogyny, lookism, homophobia and stupidity.
The Evidence: "Anyway, even though Rihanna is in tight latex, I've lost my appreciation for her. Not because of her bad singing, but because this new hairdo makes her look like a dude." Well women should not be judged solely by their looks, obviously, but this is super dumb, because Rihanna is hot, end of story. Also, she doesn't give a shit about your "appreciation" for her.
The Sentence: A 50 decibel sound system blaring "Umbrella" outside this person's house for a week. Ella. Ella. Eh. Eh.

The Accused: Perez Hilton.
The Crime: Equating pregnancy with obesity.
The Evidence: "Even Her Lips Are Fat!" on a picture of Jessica Alba. (Our own Maria says, "Kettle? Pot?")
The Sentence: Maybe he should be sent to bed without any supper?

The Accused: A Socialite's Life.
The Crime: Accusing Jessica Alba of blowing kids in the schoolyard.
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba claims her sixth grade teacher and some of the PTA moms thought she was a "slut" because she had big boobs. My sympathy for her ass is nil because she radiates stank, but that was a judgmental school she went to. Was this the bible belt? Was Carrie's Mom the principal? "First the blood, then the boys come a'running like sniffin' dogs!" Aiiieeeeehhhh! "The accusation still ricochets... They think I'm a slut?," the burdened by gorgeousness Alba says in "If I'd Known Then" by Ellyn Spragins. Oh you're fine now. You have a money, and a baby on the way. Maybe you shouldn't have been giving oral behind the jungle gym, huh?"
The Sentence: Detention. Please write the following 3,000 times: "I will not make assumptions about the sexual proclivities of women whom I don't really know; in addition, I understand that there is a double standard in our society and that a young man with sexual experience gets called a mack while a sexually active young woman is referred to as a slut; it's beyond unfair and I will stop perpetuating such backward thinking."

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, who desperately wants to be mentioned here, and actually emailed us this week: "I have nothing to do...and wanted to know if you wanna have a little cam sex? It'll be so hot....I am still wearin' my dress from my Ballroom Dance class where, I was phenomenal...what are you wearing?" None of us responded.
The Crime: Mocking Lily Allen's miscarriage.
The Evidence:

Abortions....really suck the life out of you, or was it a miscarriage. Whatever it was, it left her uncaring ass exposed. I guess her lady parts are as numb as her heart after losing what was to be her very own miracle, no I am not talking about the fact that such a hag could get laid in the first place, I'm talking the miracle of life from getting fucked from behind in a tour bus. It was the kind of mess she was probably used too, because men will fuck anything willing, and thought it would just drip down her leg, so she could just forget about it like all those other times, but instead some of it stuck and got her into this sad mess... All I can say is thank god for pantyhose, otherwise we'd be forced to see the mangled mess that her weight problem has done to her thighs.

The Charge: Spewing Endless Amounts of Bullshit
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: Basically every post he's written about Britney Spears in the last fucking year, including this one, in which he has scrawled "INSERT" between Britney's legs.
Points For Good Behavior: None. I am so fucking fed up with Perez's "concerned for the children" routine. Like he gives a fuck about Tater Tot and Small Fry! Like he gives a shit about children anywhere. Obviously Britney is a fuck-up and a less-than-awesome mom. But Perez loves and eats up her downfall, no matter the cost to her children. If I have to read one more iota of pseudo concern for Sean Preston and Jayden James, I am going to stab myself in the eyes.
The Sentence: I don't know, I just want him to rot.


YAY! Now for the real winners this week: our usually offensive, piece of shit bloggers who actually broke out the funny and shut out the cruelty.

The Funny: Coining the nickname "Tommy Girl" and other hilarities about the farce that is TomKat.
The Winner: My future gay best friend forever (call me!) Michael K at DListed.
The Hilarity: "Awwww...poor Katie. Somebody really needs to sit her down, pour her a cup of Chamomile and gently break the news to her that babies don't come from storks. She's probably sitting by the window every single day waiting for her delivery. I mean that's where Tommy Girl said Suri came from, so what's Katie supposed to think?"
The Prize: An invitation to a Jezebel Cuddle Party.


The Funny: Finding something interesting to say about Fergie and John Duhamel
The Winner: Still-a-loser-but-atleast-he-has-one-redeeming-moment-in-his-life Todd at I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Hilarity: "Josh Duhamel is on a Mexican beach painting. Seriously, he has an easel. Painting. Maybe next time he can sit under a parasol and wear a silk scarf. Which would be about 100 times better than what Fergie is wearing. Apparently she went to Mexico to read people's fortunes. Is she some sort of gypsy? If so, will I get that big promotion? Oh Fergie, please do tell what the stars have foretold!"
The Prize: Duh, our stamp of approval for once.


The Funny: Totally calling out Milo Ventimiglia for his weird stroke face, which has bugged us since episode one of Heroes
The Winner: Surprisingly-docile Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Hilarity: "[Milo Ventimiglia] talks out of the side of his mouth like he had a stroke. It's wildly irritating. I feel like he's trying to tell me something in code, like he's trying to whisper that someone is behind me, so an episode of "Heroes" is nothing but 60 minutes of me turning around again and again and saying, "what, where?""
The Prize: That was so funny, we might be willing to kiss him, should he ever get the privilege of sharing the same breathing space as us.