The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Nasty, mean, misanthropic, supposedly funny comments that condemn a thin woman for being fat.
The Evidence:

"These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and 'by storm' I mean 'she looks fat.' Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted."

It's not funny; Eva Longoria is not fat. Humanity is doomed.
The Sentence: One-way ticket to Malawi, where a crop failure, flood and droughts have three million people on the verge of a severe hunger emergency. You probably won't want to ever make fat jokes again.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Lookism; possible Holocaust joke.
The Evidence:

"I don’t mind that a gay person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan, I mind that an ugly person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan. I don’t like it when ugly people flaunt their sexuality right in front of me. It’s unsettling. They should really have some kind of camp where ugly people go to concentrate on how to get sexier. A 'concentration camp,' if you will."

I think we can all agree that not a single word or thought behind this is funny. Is this site supposed to be humor? Or gossip? Or just mean-spiritedness? What is its point? I am having an existential crisis.
The Sentence: Learn the value of having eyes at all: 90 days working for the World Health Organization's Alliance for the Global Elimination of Blinding Trachoma, which performs surgery in countries where conditions and infections cause people to go blind.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
First Count: Weight-mocking.
The Evidence:

"Not Pregnant, Just Fat—For Real!
Rumors keep swirling that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is sperminated.
The tiny Latina has put on a few extra pounds recently.
Will they say it's for a potential movie role?
Close enough.
According to
her rep, Eva has gained weight for her show.
Says the publicist, 'For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives Gabrielle [Eva's character] has "gained" weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.'
We guess she likes the role so much that she's decided to wear the butt and stomach pads everywhere she goes!"

I don't get it. Are pigs flying? Is hell cold? Because those things would have to be true if Eva Longoria is fat.
Second Count: Calling a 15-year-old slut.
The Evidence:

"Y'all Wanna See My Panties?? That Miley sure loves lifting up her shirts and skirts. Slut!"

A young woman who poses with her hem hiked up is not necessarily a slut. A young woman who poses naked is not necessarily a slut. How you can call someone you don't know a slut — based on a photo in which 96% of her body is covered — and get paid to "write" on the internet is baffling.
Third Count: Calling the same 15-year-old a "teen slut" and a "Disney whore," based on some possibly fake photos.
The Evidence:

"Miley Almost Naked! When will she ever learn???? Wow. Wow. Wow. These photos look very very real. But, we're working under the assumption that they're fake… Isn't it too young to be posing for photos like that????"

Isn't it a shame that Miley's cell phone might have been hacked? Isn't it a awful that these "almost naked" pictures are actually pretty tame, but that saying so wouldn't garner as many pageviews? Isn't terrible that someone makes money off of speculation about a teenage girl's private life?
The Sentence: Suggestions welcome.



Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Busting on a woman's looks.
The Evidence:

"A very VERY Photoshopped Jessica Biel does the cover of the new Harper's Bazaar. She's definitely way too airbrushed! They did manage to make her look more feminine, though, and less like a dog. That's a good thing, we think. Although, we love a good dog!"

The Sentence: 90 days community service in an animal shelter; a 45 hour course in Lookism taught by Jezebel commenters.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Poking fun at a woman's weight.
The Evidence:

"Um, okay Liv Tyler, we get it. You’re fat. Enough already. You don’t have to be eating 24 hours a day. You can lay out for an hour without food. I saw a set of pictures one time where she stopped at some deli and then ate the sandwich on the street on the way to some little sidewalk café. In other words, she stopped to get food on the way to get food. i don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I'm willing to bet that if you looked up "fatass", it would go a lot like that."

The Sentence: 60 days volunteering in a local eating disorder wing clinic.

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Insinuating that a normal-sized actress looks disgusting.
The Evidence:

"Here are some new Jennifer Love Hewitt candids from yesterday. Oh dear. That’s all I’m going to say."

Even worse? Some of the comments: "I wouldn’t be happy if my legs looked like that," Harley writes. Katya adds: "She needs to loose 15+ pounds, you can see in her face she’s not meant to weigh this much."
The Sentence: 6 months of intense therapy with a concentration on body dysmorphia issues.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Objectificaton of women/female body parts.
The Evidence: Its great to see Ashley Tisdale, Mya and Cheryl Burke, but its better to see them go!. First of all, learn the difference between it;s and its. Second of all, don't you HATE that TMZ is now owned by megarich AOL?
The Sentence:

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Mocking a woman's height.
The Evidence:

"Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush."

The Sentence: Spending 12 hours in a room full of tall women who have been called yetis.

Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

Alicia Keys and her Thick Legs of The Day
"My wife told me i am getting fat and that when I walk, my tits bounced. I asked her if she’s looked in the mirror over the last 5 years, because she’s so fucking fat, she’s got tits growing on the back of her fuckin’ knees. She then told me that she was at a friend’s house watching Oprah and they said that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your cock. That way when I fuck her, maybe I’ll be able to make it past her labia and she’ll feel something. I told he that her fat herpes ridden pussy is the last thing I want to make it into and that I am going to go out and try to gain another 60 pounds so that I don’t even have a penis anymore because that’s what she fucking does to me, she started to cry, but not as loud as Alicia Keys’ piano stool, she looks heavy and I assume shit is reinforced, otherwise it’d be trying to kill itself by breaking in half. Here are some pics of her thick legs performing recently because you’ll take what you can get."

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Calling a woman a whore.
The Evidence:

Lindsay Lohan Flashed Her Crotch Again
"Some fellow perv emailed these to us. These are supposedly Lindsay Lohan leaving a yacht party in Cannes two months ago. I have no reason to believe these aren't Lindsay, or her freckles, or her labia, because she's a global whore, and her random body part flashing knows no bounds."

The Sentence: Any suggestions?

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Foul language; equating clothes and actions.
The Evidence:

"Linda Hogan: Prison Slut. Linda Hogan dressed up to see her son in jail ... the good news is she could go right from there to work the 2:00 PM shift at the local strip club. With barely-there shorts, a tight tee and pair of Lucite heels, Linda arrived separately from her daughter, Brooke, and soon-to-be ex, Hulk Hogan. Linda, some of the guys in the hoosegow haven't seen a chick in six months. Then again, some of them are clearly eligible."

Okay, well, you can make the argument that dressing slutty doesn't make you a slut. I wore a Playboy Bunny Halloween costume when I was in 6th grade despite never having made out with a boy. Then again, Linda Hogan is tacky. But it's not cool for "entertainment news" site to have a headline called "Linda Hogan: Prison Slut." It pisses me off that they have this team of people who go out and harass celebs and then write awful things about them and are then rewarded with a corporate deal from AOL. It legitimizes their assholery.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts with the aforementioned stripper heels.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence:

"I wonder if someone tried to rape Kirsten. Because she's so sexy. And then things got out of hand. Sex crimes are serious. Any time a girl is raped, I think she should go to the cops immediately. Unless I'm the one who did it, in which case I think we should just let bygones be bygones. Why live in the past?"

Wow. I don't know. Half of me thinks they're baiting us. The other half is like who cares, typing those words should be a crime. It's not right and it's not funny. Rape is a brutal act of aggression and making light of it is immoral. The end.
The Sentence: A case of necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating disease.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Equating Britney to a manatee.
The Evidence:

"Save the Britney: Meet Britney! She’s one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida’s gentle giants. For only $25 you get: * A photo of your manatee * The manatee’s biography * An adoption certificate * A signed copy of "Toxic" * Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee. Britney needs our help. Let’s all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!"

Britney's had a tough year and she seems to be getting a handle on her mental illness. Lord knows what kind of medications she is on. Why do people feel the need to talk about her weight? Why is any mother of two under the microscope like this? For the record, she does not look like a sea cow, she looks great. What is wrong with people.
Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: Egotastic
The Evidence:

"With her recent weight gain, and Mel Gibson whisking her down to Costa Rica, many have been speculating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. But as you can see from these Britney Spears bikini pictures, she's just getting fatter. Her belly is definitely bigger, but those rolls of fat clearly show the only things causing that bump are burgers. Or Cheetos in Britney's case."

Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Evidence:

"I'm not sure what kind of funhouse mirror glasses this dude from The Sun is looking at these pictures with, but the only curves I see is on Britney's Coke can. The rest is just Britney's fat ass squeezed into a bikini. At this point, I'm just surprised a whale didn't bite her ankle and pull her into the ocean to be it's[sic] mate. You could see how that would be an honest mistake."

The Sentence: All offenders must spend 48 hours treading water in the open sea, wearing a necklace of steaks.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Good old-fashioned misogyny.
The Evidence:

"Lily Allen is horrifically unattractive, so I guess she really had no other choice. Ugly girls have to compete with hot chicks somehow. Unless Lily Allen can give blowjobs with her mind, getting drunk and ripping off her clothes seems like a pretty reasonable option."

First: "Ugly" girls do not have to "compete" with "hot chicks." A woman's world does not revolve around whether men find her attractive. Unfortunately, the gossip blogging culture is making its money off of the idea that a woman's worth is in her looks. If you're not a "hot chick" you must be worthless, even though you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and a brain and talents. Gah.
The Sentence: Acute glaucoma that leads to blindness.

Three readers pressed charges against the following:

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking a baby.
The Evidence:

"How Do We Say This Delicately? Adam Sandler revealed to Jay Leno last night that he and his wife are expecting another baby. Uhmmmm…. Let's hope this kid isn't as ugly as Sandler's other child, Sadie, age 2. Yeah, there, we said it! Perez looks in the mirror a lot. He knows ugly when he sees it and that kid is ugly. And fat too!"

Hear that, two-year-olds? Nevermind that you're developing and growing and need all your nutrients so that you can someday have adult-sized teeth and a fully-functioning brain. You need to diet!
The Sentence: 60 days wearing a poop-filled baby diaper. Or something like that. Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Reducing women to body parts; comparing and contrasting those parts.
The Evidence: "Jammed into the public eye, female celebs are forced to grow, shrink and generally just change shape right in front of our eyes." It's a gallery of breast and cleavage images. So it's not about a woman as a whole, as a thinking and feeling human, huh. It's how well her tits are holding up. Is it any wonder women actually believe that cosmetic surgery is a necessary step toward self-esteem? That cutting yourself open and inserting silicone will make you feel better? Oh! And AOL owns TMZ, don't forget.
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on the Venus of Willendorf.

Reader-Submitted Accusation: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking of weight.
The Evidence: "Unless we need to get our eyes checked, it totally looks like Kirstie Alley got fat again! It's a good thing she's no longer hawking Jenny Craig! Here is Alley flying out of LAX this past weekend. She probably needs to book two seats just for her these days." Reader Jen says: "I think it's pretty mean to bash celebrities over their weight, and I'm sure she knows she's not a skinny person and doesn't need the world poking fun at her. She is still an incredibly funny, beautiful (I'd kill for her hair), intelligent woman, and her weight is not all that defines her. How about sticking to gossip that doesn't always bash people's personal appearances; everyone gains and loses weight, but it doesn't change who they are, just the number on the scale." Well said!
The Sentence: A 100-page essay on Rubens

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a fit woman.
The Evidence: "Well, this is an odd pairing: Pink with Bai Ling. Here they are both in their bikinis kayaking in Malibu, and guess what? I'm not turned on in the least. It's one lesbian fantasy that just doesn't work. I know I said earlier that I dig Bai Ling but that was in transfer of money kind of way, and Pink I definitely can't get it up for. The thought of both our rock hard bodies pressed against each other just made me wish I never even wrote that." Women are mocked for being too fat and for being too fit? As if Pink gives a shit about your erection. Just like her song, it's just you and your hand tonight, buddy.
The Sentence: A drop-kick and a paddle across the face from Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight.
The Evidence: The story is titled "Mimi's Wedding Pictures Coming Soon" and the image is a cow wearing a veil and holding a bouquet. Hilarious, right? The woman who writes her own songs and has had more hit singles than Elvis is a bovine, a heifer, a hooved farm animal. Yeah, I don't love MC but that is not funny.
The Sentence: Thou shalt be force-fed a cow pie covered in Hello Kitty sprinkles.

Special Drunken Stepfather Section:
So Guanabee conducted an interview with "Jesus Martinez" of Drunken Stepfather. Martinez says: "I was inspired to start the site because I was pissed off, knew I couldn't get a job working in any industry and figured I'd do it on my own. It wasn't a business and still isn't a business, it was just a place to take out my frustration kinda like my virtual punching bag. I am not and never was interested in celebrities. I guess I started my attack on them because they are the idols of popculture and I knew they were full of shit. I guess it was a combo of liking naked chicks and seeing these celebs not at their best or slippin' up on their contrived bullshit images that gave me enough content to continue tellin' my stories and spreading my irreverent word to about 5 people."

It's this ire that leads him to write things like this:

"So it's Lily Allen's birthday and she's wearing some kind of see through dress when she should really be wearing some kind of Mascot Costume because at least that way bitch would look cute. I can only assume that she forgot to wear a bra because she's so distraught that her baby will never see it's first birthday because it's living in a pair of bloody panties she just can't seem to bring herself to throw out. I guess that's the harsh reality of smoking and drinking' while knocked up and a miscarriage is just the small price you have to pay for being an irresponsible joke of an expecting mother.

Either way, here are her nipples that her baby will never get to suckle on for food, because her baby never made it out of her rotten vagina and I'd like to think that he's not the first one to feel the negative effect of her lady parts. In reality, I think every dude who's ever fucked her can relate to that miscarriage because as soon as they were done with her and looked into her face and realized what they did, they wanted to die too. "

"That's a tough call because I am the kind of guy who does take life a little too seriously at times and gets frustrated or pissed off at the world, but I wouldn't consider myself an angry or hateful person. I think I mock the norms of what is considered acceptable and say things that I think other people are thinking but are too pussy to say, but I am not an activist or really passionate about my ideals and in reality - pretty inconsistent.

I don't hate any gender, any race, any religion, any mindset other than people who choose to live the conventional suburban middle-class risk-free life. I can't grasp that shit and just see people who have given up on their dreams and passions for social acceptance.

I have Black, White, Jewish, Asian friends. I have devout Christian friends and Muslim friends. I have met all kinds of people and I would never say I hate people but I would say I hate how society represents people. And that's what I write."

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Calling a woman who does not meet some predetermined and subjective ideal of femininity a man and generally criticizing her looks.
The Evidence: "Here's a shot of Fergie in the Bahamas over the weekend. While I often publicly question her gender, I will admit that maybe kind of sort of Josh Duhamel doesn't entirely hate his penis after bedding this body. At least until he looks at Fergie's face, then there's lots of weeping and cursing. Mostly at God for being 'such a fucking asshole douchebag trickster to create this manner of creature. Oh, you want to go again, baby? Shit, I'm only human. Say, would you mind wearing the pillow case this time? I mean, it is my birthday. Heart you.'" Oh, you're attracted to her, so she MUST be a woman, huh? What does it matter what she looks like? And why does your opinion matter? And why are you even writing this crap? Oh, it's right there in the title, Superficial.
The Sentence: Whipworm infestation.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Calling women men; mocking them in a gallery.
The Evidence: "Dude Looks Like a Lady ... Wait, That is a Lady!" Pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hilary Swank, Michelle Rodriguez, Kathleen Turner, Kathy Griffin and Julie Andrews. You know TMZ is owned by AOL now, you'd think they'd class up their act a little, and not publish sexist misogynistic posts in the name of humor.
The Sentence: Ringworm, which is not a worm but a fungus. Don't say you didn't learn something new today!

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's body and insinuating that she is large.
The Evidence: "The female body is not the type of thing we usually talk about here - I don't think that kind of discussion is very classy - and I don't feel scandalous or unflattering pictures of a celebrity has any place on the internet, but these pictures of Denise Richards are going up because holy shit has she gone to hell. She used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth, and pictures of her tits were every young boys secret bullseye. Now she looks like she's made of donuts. You would think someone with so much gravity could stay on a surfboard that's bigger than the high school I went too, but apparently not. Maybe they can get her someones roof and she can surf on that." Really? Denise Richards has a weight problem? She's a 37-year-old mother of two. It's disgusting that men get away with writing about women like this. Oh, and look: Bally Total Fitness is a sponor of WWTDD. Great.
The Sentence: Infestation by Chinese liver fluke.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Implying that a woman is too fat to be seen unclothed.
The Evidence: "I just really like being naked," [says] the American Idolstar. You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers." Wow. Hilarious. Fuck you.
The Sentence: A colony of chiggers that live under and feed on the skin.

The Accused: DListed
Reader-Submitted Crime: Menstruation-mocking.
The Evidence: "Kim Kardashian Wipes The Skank Off: I shouldn't say that. I don't think it's possible for Kim Kardashian to wipe the skank off completely. She would have to remove her skin and that's probably pretty painful. She looks alright without make-up, but I sort of love it when she looks like a tranny call girl. She's suffering from 'period face' here. And I bet that bitch's flow is heaaaaaaavy." The reader says: "I lurve Michael K, but I want to flick him in his balls for this... mostly because I think I have period face today, and I want to hide/die/poursulfuricacidonmydeskfornoreason. Maybe I'm just overreacting." You're not. If you don't menstruate, you have no right to tease those who do.
The Sentence: Bloodletting! With leeches, of course.
Same Defendant, Additional Reader-Submitted Crime: Making light of cutting a woman's clitoris.
The Evidence: She can catch flies with her coochie! Jenna Jameson showed up to Comic Con in New York on Friday looking like she slithered in from the forest. Let's cut off her clit and see if it grows back! Yeah, what clit? That shit probably got destroyed a long ass time ago." The reader says: "I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation Is.Not.Funny." Agreed.
The Sentence: Pubic lice, of course.

The Accused: CelebNewsWire
The Crime: Reduction of a woman to her genitalia.
The Evidence: "Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy," reads the headline of a story about Paris Hilton wanting a cheetah. Listen, yeah, it's Paris, but seriously. The story could be reported in a funny, non-misogynistic, non-offensive way. Calling her a "vagina" and labeling it "news" is despicable.
The Sentence: Mauling by Cheetah.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Dwelling on armpit hair.
The Evidence: "I also happened to notice that in this scene from The Tracey Fragments, in which Ellen Page is topless, and flashing her ass, her armpits are totally unshaven. Now, this could just mean that Ellen Page has different views on hygiene, but when you're a big-time Hollywood star, not shaving your armpits is a pretty big statement." Yawn. Females have armpit hair. And leg hair. And, gasp! Pubic hair. Who the fuck cares.
The Sentence: 90 days of hypertrichosis.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Unnecessary attention to cellulite.
The Evidence: "Mushy Gets Mushy: How can such a skinny girl have so much cellulite???? Drunk-driver Mushy Fartone celebrates avoiding a jail sentence by indulging in some shopping in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Unfortunately for her, she flashed a little more than she should have to the paparazzi. Be careful Msicha, you've got the fat genes in your family. Mommy's a hefty gal, and it looks like you will be too!" Cellulite is a naturally occurring condition that practically ALL POST-ADOLESCENT FEMALES develop. It is not related to being overweight. Genetics, gender, race and hormones affect cellulite. As long as she can use them to walk, Mischa's legs are fine. Also: Shut up.
The Sentence: Freaky Friday-style bodyswap with Manuel Uribe for 90 days.
Additional Crime: Under a photograph of Sharon Stone: "The actress, who hasn't been in a hit film in, like, forever, is finally starting to look her age. Sharon just turned 73 50. And she looks it!" Our own Maria-Mercedes asks, "Is there something wrong with looking your age?" The answer is, of course, no.
The Sentence: A hearty slap across the face from Sharon Stone, and may she have rings on.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Weight-mockery.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Big Ass On The Prairie: It looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ankle finally gave way under the pressure." Hahaha hey you guys, it's so fun to call J. Love Hewitt fat, I mean look at her neck, it's like so gigantic, and women are only as good as they look, hahahaha.
The Sentence: A reader pointed out that last week's medieval tortures did not include the Catherine Wheel, so let's use it now, shall we?

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Again with the mocking of pregnant women. Do these people not have mothers?
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba had her baby shower this weekend, and it served as a nice reminder that pregnancy slowly turns even the hottest chicks into monsters. We may have gone past the point of no return with this one." Why are pregnant women scary monsters? Are they creepy and gross? Does someone need some psychological help? Or a cookie?
The Sentence: Repressed memory therapy and 90 days community service rubbing the feet of pregnant women.

Drunken Stepfather Quote Of The Day:

My problem is not with women but with feminists who create Women's Studies programs in Universities and who overcompensate by denouncing their sex appeal, putting on a pair of construction boots and taking of their make-up so that they can be hard ass cunts by taking themselves too seriously and ragging on people like me in some kind of fight for women's rights and a whole down with penis mission. All this while denying that they can use their bodies and sex appeal to get ahead. I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit, because I don't think women have nothing to say and are useless and only good for fucking, but because I think there's a group of these lesbian manhaters than are giving good sweet girls who I like to be around a pretty bad name....

Since it the internet is so awash in misogyny and woman-bashing that it's like we're living in the dark ages, this week all sentences will be medieval torture techniques. Fun and educational!

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Use of the oh-so handy "slut" label.
The Evidence: "George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut: One day this chick doesn't mind getting dry humped on camera, the next she's a demure flower on the red carpet. Why the sudden change? Was it true love's first kiss? Did George Clooney fill her empty heart? 'Oh, and he's really rich and famous,' Sarah Larson added. 'Don't forget rich.'" So yeah. What does it matter that Sarah Larson's been photographed Last Nights Party-style? So have lots of girls. Also, calling someone you don't know a slut on the internet is immature, stupid and makes you look like and idiot. Cut it out. Also? Women are complex. Deal with it.
The Sentence: The Judas Cradle.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Getting on Miss England's case; calling her fat.
The Evidence: "She says, 'It's what I was born to do - posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all. Do I have fat days? Of course, but what woman doesn't!' I think the difference being Chloes fat days are more commonly known as, 'Monday-Sunday.'" Miss England, Chloe Marshall, is a lot of things: Brave, confident, 5 foot 10 and recently signed to a modeling agency. She is not, however, fat.
The Sentence: Foot roasting.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Calling a supermodel a man.
The Evidence: "I know I rip on Gisele Bundchen a lot, but even I've got to admit she's looking pretty hot here at the launch of the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in that tight dress of hers. And that's hard for me to admit considering I'm not into dudes." Please, that woman does not look like a man. And this isn't even "funny."
The Sentence: The Heretic's Fork.

The Accused: Your friend, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Bashing Miley Cyrus (again), wishing disease on Audrina Patridge.
The Evidence: "I guess one of the good things about 15 year old girls is that they don't have cellulite like they will when they actually become women, but they are so annoying when all they want to watch is Hannah Montana reruns, especially when they are Hannah Montana... bitch is probably the next in line for an abortion at the on studio abortion clinic they are rockin' over at Disney and this bitch and her crooked smile don't have shit on the 15 year old girls I see out in clubs..."
Additional Evidence: (Audrina Patridge gets a tattoo) "The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she's enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles." You don't need me to explain why all of this is distasteful, derogatory, misogynist, degrading, demeaning and malicious. And yeah, we're going to keep writing about DS, because someone keeps paying him to post stuff like this. It's wrong, and people should know that.
The Sentence: Being flayed alive.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Annoyance: Calling Sienna Miller a slut.
The Evidence: "Sienna Miller is a huge slut. Seriously, she's a slut. Urban legend says that if you say her name in a mirror five times in row that she'll appear behind you out of a mist. Then she'll fuck you. Be warned!" So yeah, this is just annoying more than anything else. Because hey, I don't know, Sienna could be a "slut," or she could just be a modern woman who has slept with a couple of dudes but happens to be famous. But you know, a dude bangs a few chicks and he's a stud; a woman shags a bloke or three she's a slut. This is the annoying world we live in. As far as I know, Sienna has been linked to Jude Law and Rhys Ifans. Two men. If that makes her a slut then seriously? We are living in a tear in the space-time continuum.
The Sentence: A punch in the jaw, and a lecture from Slut Machine.

The Accused: The Skinny
• First Annoyance: Continuing to monitor the weight of a pregnant woman when you are not, in fact, her OB/GYN.
The Evidence: "It looks like someone is still trying to stay active and fit during her pregnancy... (good for her!) Jessica Alba was spotted leaving the gym earlier this week." Annoying! Is it good for her because everyone else is getting SO FAT while they are fucking PREGNANT???
The Sentence: Babysitting 13 screaming infants while being lectured by your own mom.
• Second Annoyance: Doing that "guess the cellulite" thing.
The Evidence: "Guess which female celebrity was spotted going to La Scala for lunch in a pair of shorts, showing off some front thigh cellulite?" People, it's Thinny McThinerson Mischa Fucking Barton for the love of God. So WHAT if she has cellulite? Who the hell doesn't? Does it impact her already subpar acting? Then who cares? Nitpicking!
The Sentence: A slap on the ass and a lecture from Miss Landmine, who is thankful to have thighs.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Annoyance: Suggesting a 14-year-old girl would be better of with a dick in her mouth. The Evidence: "If [Ali Lohan] wants to emulate Lindsay so badly, there are a lot less painful ways to do it. Replacing her toothbrush with a penis, for example. Switching from decaf to penis. Getting eight hours of penis a night. Instead of lip injections and a nose job, all Ali really needs is Fleet Week in New York and carton of Rough Riders." Look, I know this is really an attempt to insult Lindsay, but it's not cool to joke about a kid blowing a bunch of sailors. Seriously. Someone gets paid to write this stuff, but that doesn't make it okay.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts and a lecture from a child abuse psychologist.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Annoyance: Drawing a jizzing penis on an innocent 19-year-old, even if she is Rumer Willis; encouraging her to smoke, in order to get ugly and die (?).
The Evidence: "This [picture of Rumer] is about as hot as a torrential stream of shit after as a result of an insufferable case of diarrhea! She had several wardrobe changes and posed in various places, but still found time to smoke and eat a sandwich. We usually try and discourage smoking, but in Rumer's case, we say... Smoke up, bitch!" Hey, I'm not a huge fan of Rumer, but she didn't ask to be celebuspawn. And what's with the careless degradation of women? Fucking annoying!
The Sentence: A slap in the face and a lecture from Gloria Steinem.

DrunkenStepfather Ramble of the Week, about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus:

"I wonder what god is going to think of this good little Disney Christian when he finds out that Miley found a loophole and let's dudes fuck her up the ass because that way she can still technically keep her virginity until marriage since that's what the church wants out of her. I am sure he'll be a lot less disappointed that when she realizes that church is a lot less fun than fucking, doing coke and being a total cunt to the world while spending absurd amounts of money on useless shit while the rest of God's people are dying of starvation."

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Sexist, vulgar comments attempting humor and failing miserably.
The Evidence: "Almost any girl with a dick in her mouth could be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan. You could have a police lineup with Lindsay in it, and even you probably wouldn't recognize her at first without some dude's johnson in her yapper." Hey, people at Yeeeah: Noooooo. It's interesting how the posts on this site don't have bylines. What, no one wants to take credit for such captivating writing? Hmm, wonder if the advertisers know they're backing crass and brutal misogyny.
The Sentence: The unnamed editor ought to have his mouth washed out with a Brillo pad and antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Pregnant-woman bashing. (So popular right now!)
The Evidence: "Hey, remember when Jessica Alba was hot? You know, before she got all super-pregnant and stuff. Sure Jessica Alba's breasts got bigger, but so did her ass. Anyway, it's nice to be reminded of just how hot Jessica Alba was before getting knocked up, and this photoshoot from the February issue of Gotham Magazine is a nice reminder of that." Raise your hand if you're sick of these guys mocking pregnant women.
The Sentence: Female hormone injections, to render this person plump, smooth and hopefully emotionally confused.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Equating a divorcée with a whore.
The Evidence: "Wow, so not only did Heather Mills get paid a shitload of cash for having sex with Paul McCartney. She became violent when she wasn't getting paid on her terms. Hmm, I believe there's a word for that also*. What is it again? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes: Superhero. *For those of you who caught the gag yesterday, link goes right to Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Read: Heather Mills is a prostitute. And for $48.6 million her vagina better be lined with gold and have its own water park." No matter how you feel about Ms. Mills, she is not a hooker. And neither is any woman seeking divorce settlement. It's just so base, so insulting.
The Sentence: Two months community service singing Beatles songs to amputees.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence: "It really bothers me when people put themselves in a position to be accused of rape. Rape should only be used in times of emergency, like when you're on a deserted island. But you're gonna want to make sure it's a tropical island, because studies have shown those to be the most romantic." Joking about sexual violation is not okay.
The Sentence: Banishment to a tropical island inhabited by rape survivors for some Lord Of The Flies-type justice.

Quote of the day: "I am not very good at this blogging shit." — Drunken Stepfather

The Accused: Rian of The Skinny. Sigh.
The Crime: Scrutinizing the midsection of beleaguered, 21-year-old freshly sober Lindsay Lohan. The Evidence: "Lindsay Lohan Has A Tummy Bump. Food? Baby bump? Bloat? Weight gain?" Muses Rian. Do people really not have any idea what a woman's body is supposed to look like? Ever seen the Venus of Willendorf, a painting by Rubens, or like, the birth of Venus? Or Venus and the Lute player? It's not natural for a woman's abdomen to be totally flat. She can sculpt it into submission with crunches, and it can still stick out a little. There are vital organs in there. This is the way we are made. Learn to love it and quit nitpicking. I feel like crying. The Sentence: Rian needs to write a detailed letter to LL, apologizing, even if she never mails it. And then: Forgive herself. Plus: Sessions with a therapist specializing in body dysmorphia.

The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Belittling a woman because she's not, in his opinion, physically or aesthetically pleasing. The Evidence: "I looked it up, and if you masturbate to a picture of [Cynthia Nixon's partner] Christine Marinoni, it counts as Sexual Misconduct in 41 states. In fact In Texas, they'll shoot you. And rightfully so. Pervert." Hey, guy, listen. A female's worth cannot be judged by her face or body. Cynthia loves this woman. Does someone love you? Do you love yourself?
Additional Crime: Mocking of Nicky Hilton's legs, weight, wishing harm upon her. The Evidence: "I'm glad to see she's supper skinny. Hopefully she has an eating disorder." The Sentence: This gentleman ought to be forced to spend a few nights in a male sexual offender's prison cell; then spend the day in the intensive care unit of a hospital cleaning the bedpans and monitoring the IVs of anorexic patients.

The Accused: A Socialite's Life
The Crime: Believing that good looks triumph over all. The Evidence: "She explained why she was experiencing trepidation about bringing a girl into this world, 'I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.' However, Salma went on to say that couldn't happier that her daughter is in her life adding, "And I can't imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I'm in a state of innocence where I love everything she does.' Also, if her daughter ends up looking anything like her mother, I have a feeling she'll be able to bypass at least some of that suffering." Because if you are a pretty woman than there are no obstacles! Being beautiful is the ultimate aspiration for women. So twisted. The Sentence: A month without vision, learning to judge people by their words and actions, not their faces.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Assuming, as many of these bloggers are wont to do, that pregnant and fat are the same. The Evidence: "Wow...Jamie Lynn [Spears] is looking so....mature. Or maybe it's just her bloated face!" Gestating a human requires adding more than a few pounds, people. Educate yourselves. The Sentence: Some sort of intestinal parasite that causes discomfort and weight gain.

The Accused: The demented little boy known as Drunken Stepfather.
The Crime: Insulting, misogynous remarks about Kim Kardashian, and, of course, her posterior. The Evidence: "She doesn't have cellulite because her fat is so compacted that the skin looks smooth, when really it's just tryin' to hold it all in there without exploding all over the place. Most fat chicks swim in their t-shirts, but this bitch seems to think it's ok to wear a bikini. She also thinks it's ok to pose for Playboy. What bitch needs to do is spend some time with her boyfriend's personal pro-athlete trainer, not more time thinkin' her body is good enough to flaunt, even though I'm still checkin' it out, but I am a easy to please." Well. We all know that Kim Kardashian is not fat. We all know that DS is trying to incite controversy, or outrage, or attention, or all of the above. But it's still not right to type these words about any woman. The Sentence: I don't even know anymore. Suggestions?

The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, who must be feeling some post-holiday self-loathing. The Crime: Implying that Laetitia Casta is not thin.
The Evidence: "Some former supermodels stay extremely thin (like Janice Dickinson, for example) and some just kind of let it all go... I think Laetitia kind of stays somewhere in the middle." There is some serious body dysmorphia going on here. Keeping in mind that the camera adds ten pounds, Laetitia Casta appears to be a size two. Since when is that "somewhere in the middle"??? The Sentence: Rian clearly needs some affirmations to recite. And maybe a therapy sesh. Many docs have sliding scale fees, sweetie!

The Accused: The Superficial. The Crime: Calling Pink a man. The Evidence: "Pink and Carey Hart will continue boning random strangers but now without their wedding rings on. While some might say Pink will technically be boned and not do said boning, I stand by my statement. Feel free to do the math and check your work with the Answer Key at the bottom. Answer Key: X = Pink has a penis." Eyeroll. Such a cheap shot, such a 5th grade joke. The Sentence: A swift kick in the nuts. (From Pink.)

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, whom we know loves us. The Crime: Calling 21-year-old recovering addict Ms. Lindsay Lohan a whore. The Evidence: "I know having a sheet between you and lohan[sic] seems pretty shitty in pictures because it's blocking out her pussy, but if this was real life that sheet is a necessity but preferably in latex because skin to skin contact with this whore has some serious repercussions." Please, dude. Like you wouldn't reach out and touch LL, or any living breathing woman — if you could only get close enough to one. The Sentence: A painful case of the clap, just for fun. Kisses!

The Accused: The unfortunately monikered Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking Kirstie Alley's weight struggles. The Evidence: "After working for Jenny Craig for the last three years, actress Kirstie Alley is "stepping down" as the spokesperson for the weight loss company. Translation: her fat ass got fired... She's also grateful for KFC's big box variety meal and Sam's Club bucket o' bread pudding. And those Fresh Bath-Bathing Wipes for those days you're too fat to bend over in the shower." Newsflash: Crass≠Funny. The Sentence: Carry around an extra 75 lbs. of bodyweight for 30 days while simultaneously going without hot water for 30 days. Enjoy!

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Suggesting petite actress Natalie Portman needs breast implants. The Evidence: "Natalie, on the other hand, still has some work to do. Surgical work that is. Yes, she's flat and I know it's not politically correct to talk to about a girl's shortcomings, but if she's not going to make an effort to show off what she does have - that being her ass - then just stay home!" So! Women have two choices: Get elective, dangerous, possibly life threatening surgery or stay home. What a wonderful world. The Sentence: An excruciating dental procedure sans anesthetic, while being forced to watch Natalie's shitty movie Where The Heart Is. Open wide!

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Mocking Britney's nethers. The Evidence: "Britney Spears flashed her nasty ass crotch the same day she was released from UCLA Medical Center." Points For Good Behavior: None. Just cuz everybody does it doesn't make it right. She's touched, OK? And at least she was wearing underwear! The Sentence: "Unmentionables" detail in a women's prison laundry center.

The Accused: Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking a woman's big feet.
The Evidence: "Today's mystery celebrity boasts a size 11 1/2 shoe. And boy, what a shoe. It's the kind of shoe that ought to be flung from the foot of a post-op tranny in a fringed satin mini-dress and rhinestone eyelashes doing a high kick as he belts out the chorus to 'I Will Survive.' But mostly, it should be on the foot of someone born with balls." Points For Good Behavior: Yeah, it was Paris Hilton, but a woman should not be judged by her massive hooves. We try not to assume that men with small feet have small dicks, so lay off. And some people like a chick with giant clodhoppers. Anyway. The Sentence: Being roundhouse-kicked in the face by Paris and some big-footed babes for about six hours.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way. The Crime: Making fun of a woman's pubic hair. The Evidence: "'Scandal' must translate into something different in Mandarin, because the only thing that's shocking to me is the horror that's going on in between this chick's legs. She's 27, so if my calculations are right, they stopped selling razors or wax in China sometime around 1997. Either that or she's giving birth to a Panda. And although that might be good news to the Panda population in the area, I'm struggling to understand how they expect me to masturbate to this." Points for Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: This person should be force-fed a heaping bowl of pubes.

The Accused: That dude from WWTDD? who has a crush on Brad Pitt or something. The Crime: Is thinking like a 15 year old illegal? The Evidence: "And according to my calculations, Marisa Millers [sic] vagina smells like strawberries. My research prompted some drawings I made that back this up. Also they show that her vagina is serviced every day by cartoon bluebirds and there's a rainbow and a smiling sun looking down and giving a thumbs up, as if to say, 'lookin' good Marisa!'" Points For Good Behavior: Well, it is supposed to be a compliment. The Sentence: The problem here is that this guy equates thinness and beauty with food and Disney brainwashing. He needs to be sent to his room and forced to read Our Bodies, Ourselves. And grow up.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Confusing the hell out of us, calling Alyssa Milano hirsute. The Evidence: "Alyssa is saving marriages everywhere, allowing us to be selfish bastards but making our significant others think we're considerate - and she looks pretty f%#king hot while doing it. She's the kind of girl who understand guys, maybe it's cuz she's as hairy as one." Um, what? Points For Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: Getting your ass kicked by Tony Danza, while he repeatedly shouts, "Who's the boss??"

The Charge: Calling a pregnant woman a "fat bitch." The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do? The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and her sexy husband went to some UNICEF charity thing sponsored by Madonna and Gucci in New York City last night, and let me be the first to say, HAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHA YOU FAT BITCH! That baby is gonna weigh more than Marc Anthony. Hell, JLos giant underwear probably weighs more than Marc Anthony." Points For Good Behavior: None The Sentence: Perhaps someone can insert an 8 lb. tapeworm into this young man's stomach, so that he may see (sort of) what it is like to carry around some extra weight and be hungry all the time? (Not that fetuses are parasites!)

The Charge: Speculating about vaginal integrity. The Accused: Someone at The Superficial. The Evidence: "Christina Aguilera made her first post-pregnancy appearance at a West Hollywood Best Buy yesterday. Wow, lactation is awesome. Even better she had a C-section. You know what means, fellas. Huh? Yeah?" Points For Good Behavior: None The Sentence: Copious amounts of steroids, specifically designed to shrink the penis. Find something tight now.

The Charge: The usual misogyny with a heaping side of racism. The Accused: Our "friend" the Drunken Stepfather. The Evidence: "I don't really know what I am talking about, but it is nice to see a half naked black girl with her real hair. Every time I come across a black girl, which is often because I am well liked in the community, the bitch has a wig or a weave on and that shit is way to [sic] Halloween for me. If I wanted to get busy with a clown, everyone knows I'd be at McDonalds and not KFC, everyone knows that so get it together." Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Tyra and the girls of Lezebel together hating men. I guess that's what happens when a man breaks your heart or cheats on you or touches you inappropriately leaving you to fend for yourself in this cold scary man's world until meeting other girls who were also fucked over by men to create a community with and change the way the world works." Points For Good Behavior: It's so cute how he thinks about us all the time. Maybe when Tracie ran into him in Vegas she made a lasting impression? The Sentence: Since he's "well-liked" in the "community," how about we drop the Drunken Stepfather off in black hair salon and let the ladies know what he said?

The Charge: Confusing us with a weird breast-related comment. The Accused: Perez Hilton. The Evidence: "Max Is One Lucky Boy! Christina Aguilera's son gets to suck on those all day!" Points For Good Behavior: It's supposed to be kind of a compliment? Though it's coming from a gay man? And like, breasts are actually designed for breastfeeding, anyway? So Max is not "lucky," he's just a normal infant like thousands born every day? The Sentence: Eh, consider this a warning.

But wait!

The Charge: Sexualizing a 15-year-old's anus.
The Accused: Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: (For a picture of Rachel Zoe) "Her Face Is Tighter Than Hannah Montana's Anus!"
Points For Good Behavior: Mocking Rachel Zoe is OK, but leave Miley Cyrus' teenage backdoor alone!
The Sentence: Perhaps we should let Billy Ray Cyrus decide?

The Charge: More pregnant woman-mocking.
The Accused: Whomever cobbles together Yeeeah.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and all three of her chins lumbered down the black carpet last night at the "Night To Benefit Raising Malawi & Unicef" charity gala hosted by Madonna and Gucci at the U.N. headquarters in New York. To be fair, she's pregnant with twins, but it's not like she's supposed to be carrying them in her neck fat."
The Sentence: Again, something involving tapeworms or pinworms seems appropriate.

The Charge: Calling pregnant women nauseating. They may be nauseated, but that's not the same thing!
The Accused: Michael K at DListed
The Evidence: Re: Christina Aguilera's Marie Claire cover. "That didn't sell, because people were too busy throwing up. It's kind of difficult to throw up and pay for something at the same time."
Points For Good Behavior: It's possible that it's merely Xtina's blissful expression and generous makeup that are making Mike feel ill. Surely a woman with child in itself is not gross — some poor woman gave birth to him, after all.
The Sentence: 24 hours as a nurse's assistant in a maternity ward, getting up close and personal with the miracle of life.

The Charge: Obsessively analyzing the skin texture of the backs of women's thighs; writing the headline: "Guess The Celebrity Who Doesn't Have Cellulite"
The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, of course!
The Evidence: Aforementioned headline, picture of Kristen Bell's legs. Turning fat-spotting into a game.
Points For Good Behavior: None.
The Sentence: We just want Rian (who e-mailed us recently to ask us to stop writing about her, then turned around and apologized and said "never mind") to learn to love healthy bodies of all shapes and sizes, including her own. There is nothing wrong with your legs if you can walk on them! Rian is hereby sentenced to 40 hours of volunteering with paraplegics, polio-sufferers and amputees.

The Charge: Making fun of mammary glands
The Accused: Someone at CelebNewsWire
The Evidence: Calling Avril Lavigne's breasts T8r Tots and "surprisingly globular and impressively sizeable blammos."
Points For Good Behavior: None. Even if this person were, as we suspect, six years old, this would be bad behavior.
The Sentence: A med-school-level course in human anatomy, including cadaver dissection: the "blammos" will lose their mystique, surely.

The Charge: Period jokes
The Accused: Repeat offender Drunken Stepfather, who actually acknowledges us in his post!
The Evidence: "I was going to go off about how period's aren't natural again, because it seemed to be a hit with the feminist lesibians [sic] ... even though the average guy secretly fucking loves periods because it means we didn't knock our bitch up this month and it's a time for celebration, a celebration that only lasts about a minute until we realize that our bitches are going to be pains in the ass, not put out and expect us to be sensitive to their needs for the next 5 days."
The Sentence: Hmm, maybe a sex therapist? Since, in his own words, he "only lasts about a minute." Poor thing.

The Charge: General misogyny and mean-spiritedness; likening a woman to a piece of meat.
The Accused: Whomever is cobbling crap together at Yeeeah.
The Evidence: Re: Jane Krakowski at the SAG awards: Jane Krakowski "Ugly Cake Taker" for this year's SAGs. "And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I've ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole."
The Sentence: Trichinosis, the disease you get from eating uncooked pork. Roundworms living in your intestines and cause fever, diarrhea, abdominal pain and vomiting. "Me want food" indeed!

The Charge: Just pure, dumb, old-school, completely unoriginal sexism.
The Accused: Tyler Durden of
Points for good behavior: To be fair, Tyler Durden was totally a preeminent Thucydides scholar before he went into the paparazzi photo captioning business. NOT.
The Sentence: Hey, Jezebel is looking for a new "That's So Jane's" columnist...

Perez Hilton
The Evidence: "Please let this be true! Having another pet baby right now is exactly what Britney Spears needs."
Points For Good Behavior: Perez is such a confused little bugger. Most of his posts go on and on about how bad a mother Britney is, how sorry he feels for lil' Sean Preston and Jayden James, how those sweet boys need real love and affection from a mom who can and will give it. Yet he takes glee in the possibility that Britney might have another. And he's not even kidding or being "satirical" like these other douche rags claim!
The Sentence: I hope his dog runs away.


The Charge: Actually Analyzing A Pregnant Woman's Belly As If She Was Getting Fat
The Accused: Rian from The Skinny
The Evidence: "OK, I'm confused. Jessica Alba only recently announced her pregnancy and claims to not be very far along. However, every time we see new photos of her, she has gotten bigger. It seems like she is literally growing before our eyes! And I don't mean she is getting fat - I mean her stomach and overall figure is getting larger every time we see her."
Points For Good Behavior: WTF? She's pregnant. She is growing, but only appears to be doing it before your eyes, because you never take your eyes off of her, Rian. Eventually a watched pot will fucking boil, you twat.
The Sentence: You know, an 80lb weight gain during her own pregnancy (if it ever happens for her, that is) might do Rian some good.


The Charge: Fat-ernizing
The Accused: Nick the Editor at CelebSlam
The Evidence: "Pierce Brosnan is living it up with his wife Keeley Shaye Smith this week in Hawaii. That's Keely above shortly after she jumped into the ocean . . . In unrelated news, a 60 foot wave just hit Tokyo." And then, responding to a comment that Pierce had a hard time losing his first wife and that Keely clearing makes him happy, Nick says, "So because Pierce has suffered some hardship in life, he's now off limits? Bullshit. That's not the woman he married. The Keely Shaye Smith he married weighed about 200 pounds less."
Points For Good Behavior: This is a sorta classic example of gossip bloggers not even attempting to be satirical or funny with their evil sexist fatism. Granted, Keely Shaye Smith is a curvy woman. She is also fucking gorgeous. And this is a fucking horrible picture of her. Go fuck yourself, nick.
The Sentence: A year on the MasterCleanse diet — and all of the "butt juice" that comes with.


The Charge: Having Fun With Rape Jokes
The Accused: Diabolical Jesus Martinez at Drunken Stepfather
The Evidence: "Rachel Bilson is just one of those girl you'd see in the club and totally want to slip the date rape drug into her drink. She's small and that makes it easier to pull her out by her hair without anyone asking any questions." He goes on and on for four paragraphs, so if you want to see the rest of this shit show, click the link.
Points For Good Behavior: I think I need to get rid of this category and call it "Why We Shouldn't Just Kill This Person". If that was the category this week, I think you know where I'd stand. NO REASON.
The Sentence: If I was as evil and racist and sexist and piggish as Drunken Stepfather, I would say something about him being deported. But I'm not, so I won't.

The Charge: Spreading Traditional aka Misogynistic Marriage "Values"
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: "They better not keep making [Kate Middleton] wait to get engaged. She's not getting any younger!"
Points For Good Behavior: Why do we even have this category? Kate Middleton is 26. Perez seems to think she's almost at that hateful spinster age! I suggest to Perez that he take a good look in the mirror.
The Sentence: This is hard because normally I would wish a life of pathetic miserable loneliness on a person like Perez, but I think he's already got that covered.


The Charge: A Double Whammy: Homophobic Sexism!
The Accused: Sadly unavoidable Drunken Stepfather
The Evidence: "I guess the confusing thing for me is that if a girl gets raped by a dude, she usually can't stomach cock the same way ever again, and turns dyke, so if a girl gets raped by another girl, that would lead to her to loving cock, and that can't be a bad thing, especially if it's your cock she's lovin.....maybe all girls need to get raped by other girls so that more of you can get laid."
Points For Good Behavior:: Wow. This one might take the cake. It's posts like these that kind of make me want to quit this gig and enter into a life of crime...mutilating these bastards, that is.
The Sentence: A visit from the lesbian gangs of which Jesus speaks so fondly.


The Charge: Being A Passive Aggressive Bitch And Also Freezing My Fucking Browser With Her Bullshit
The Accused: BFF Rian from The Skinny
The Evidence: Insinuates that Jennifer Love Hewitt (who we all know falls into the "obese" category on Rian's site) is doing the suck-the-fat-in pose on the red carpet that only really works for super skinny celebs.
Points For Good Behavior:: Rian never comes out and says that she thinks J.Lo.Hew is a fat ass, but it's implied. With a dash of caramel-flavored sarcasm.
The Sentence: That The Skinny gets shut down for being devoid of nutrition and full of empty calories.

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: Egotastic's mystery blogger who we have reason to believe might be named Phil. Fitting.
The Evidence: "Something smells fishy, and I'm not talking about Kim Kardashian's underwear drawer."
Points for Good Behavior: While "Phil" has the maturity of a 10-year-old boy, he is rather sweetly enamored with the female form. Boob appreciation jokes are certainly sexist in a way, but they don't really piss us off. That said, insinuating that the vagina smells gross is tired. Not that eau du femme (or "Vulva"!) is really our personal fave, but fish stink jokes are cliche and suggest you've never actually got close enough to one to smell it for real.
The Sentence: A kick to the balls never hurt.


The Charge: Sleazy Bedroom Tactics
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do, a real godfather of the misogynistic blogosphere, having spawned The Superficial and I Don't Like You In That Way as well.
The Evidence: "When I have sex, I'm like a squid, I just shoot the girl in the face and then take off during the resulting confusion."
Points for Good Behavior: Um, none. Women are not sperm receptacles for your amusement, fuckface. Would you splooge in your mom's face with that tiny dick?
The Sentence: Finally sentenced for those date rape offenses he's undoubtedly incurred.


The Charge: Art Skills That Suck Dick
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira, the increasingly-swelling blowhard behind Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: Doodling a cum-dripping penis near Hayden Panettiere's head, saying, "Something tells us [she] is quite familiar with this position."
Points for Good Behavior: Honestly, Perez isn't even remotely funny anymore. And he doesn't break news either. Really, why do we go to his site other than to hate on him? The pictures aren't even fun because they're ruined by his retarded monkey scribblings. By the way Mario, just because you can't get laid, doesn't mean every young actress is a cock-sucking whore. Really, the two aren't even connected.
The Sentence: We're vowing to not read his site for one full week and will not include his heinousness in next week's column. Just cuz.


The Charge: Passive-Aggressively Thinspiration
The Accused: That dum-dum Rian from The Skinny who wastes way too many brain cels obsessing over celebrity weight. Read a book, sweetie.
The Evidence: "Do YOU want to eat like Oprah? (Personally, I do not. I'd rather eat like one of the slim, fit celebrities whose weight doesn't fluctuate every five minutes!)"
Points for Good Behavior: Zero, just like Rian's likely dress-size. This site basically sucks and offends our eyes, when we could be wasting our work hours updating our Facebook profiles. It's boring. And for the record, of course you don't want to eat like Oprah, Rian. Because you have an Eating Disorder. You probably would rather eat like that pigeon we once saw in Florence, Italy whose beak was sewn shut.
The Sentence: A month living with one of those awesome tribes where fat women are worshipped.


The Charge: Worst Person, Um, Ever
The Accused: Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way. Has a nice person named Todd ever existed? We don't think so.
The Evidence: Let's put it this way: there's so much horrible girl-hate on this site that we compiled three gems.
1) "Good for Jennifer Aniston because a chick's vagina is like Yellowstone Park. When I go, I want to camp out. I don't want a sock in my teeth."
2) "God, I hate this ungrateful cunt. Every time Kirsten Dunst opens her mouth it's something like this. She has no discernible talent or dental plan... God knows why she was cast in Spider-Man. It sure wasn't to be pretty. They'd could have cast that WB frog and nobody would've known the difference."
3) "How did the soldier that Gilligan found become Katherine Heigl's sister? Does she still think it's WWII? Man, I hope not. I'm just gonna take a wild stab and say that they have different parents. Either that or a Japanese hooker called Mrs. Heigl with a secret. Oh Mr. Heigl, you naughty boy."
Points For Good Behavior: Not Applicable. Cunt? Check. Pubic hair jokes? Check. Racist zingers? Check.
The Sentence: We'll let the Jezebel Jury decide that one.

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: DListed's adorable and really hard to hate Michael K.
The Evidence: "Oh speaking of frothy, chunky and creamy, click here to see a picture of Brit Brit flashing her real PINK EYE yesterday. Actually, it's a little brown with flecks of black and red."
Points for Good Behavior: The last line of this post, in typical self-deprecating form, almost made us spill our morning coffee on our own crotch. "I am more familiar with her labia than my own ass lips. That's the truth." Damnit, he's funny.
The Sentence: Buying our tampons every month for the next year!

The Charge: Slandering The Female Form
The Accused: Perez Hilton blogger Mario Lavandeira, who, as much as we'd like to ignore him, will never not be on this list of gossip blogger offenses.
The Evidence: "How many chins does Britney Spears have? We're counting some triple chin action here! How many do U see????"
Points for Good Behavior: Luckily, as per usual, "P-Nasty" acknowledges his own disgusting lard ass, saying, "Perez has beat her by four additional chins", however, we're really sick of people saying Britney Spears, a woman who's has two babies in two years, is fat. If we ate a steady diet of Cheetos and Taco Bell, we'd weigh well over 200lbs and Britney could still bench press us. She's strong and curvy, bitch, not fat!
The Sentence: Banned from Paris Hilton's Halloween Party.

The Charge: Race-iness
The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way's dude blogger Todd.
The Evidence: For starters: "If seeing short, flat Mexican chicks getting plowed by NBA players is your thing, then today is your lucky day. It is widely speculated that an Eva Longoria sex tape may hit online as early as this month." Not to mention: "Some people need plastic surgery. Some people like Kim Kardashian. Pictures of an Iraqi runaway pretending to do reverse cowgirl probably isn't going to be the Internet sensation Eric Ford had in mind."
Points for Good Behavior: Seriously, this guy could get a weekly column of his own, he's so offensive. He gets negative points for making it hard for us to choose which post was the most hateable.
The Sentence: Dump him, Jenny, dump him!

The Charge: Rah-Rah Rape Jokes
The Accused: The Superficial and I Don't Like You In That Way alum Brendan, who, by the way, has a gross beefy body with an American-flag armband tattoo according to this pic on his MySpace page. Lo. Ser.
The Evidence: "Being as rich as Richard Branson seems pretty cool. You can hold parties for your airline and then hot chicks show up and you can pick them up and do whatever you want with them. Just between you and me, you can also achieve this same result by pointing a gun at them. Oh, and drugs, don't forget about drugs."
Points For Good Behavior: None. And we hate him even more for totally mis-understanding the role of Tyler Durden in Fight Club, not to mention using woman-loving Brad Pitt in his site logo.
The Sentence: Umm, prison rape, obvs.

The Charge: Obsession with Skinniness
The Accused: The Skinny's Rian is back and this time she actually admits she thinks skinny is best. Shocker!
The Evidence: "Is it OK for models to look like normal people, or should they be thinner? Personally (and I know I'll be blasted for saying this, but oh well), I think clothing models should be thinner than the average person, for various reasons."
Points for Good Behavior: So Rian never hates on anyone who's fat, but we're getting really sick of her dim-bulb approach to blogging about this topic — just because you ask you readers for their opinion on whether model Gemma Ward is fat, doesn't mean your post doesn't blatantly imply that you think she's a cow. And for the record, Gemma was in a yoga class of ours a couple weeks ago and we were delighted to see she sucked. Models: They're just like US!
The Sentence: A padlock on her toilet bowl for one month.

The Charge: Gratuitous Uglifying
The Accused: DListed's Michael K, who's gayer than a handbag filled with rainbows
The Evidence: "This is the new breed of no-talent, not-so-pretty girls getting famous. I still don't think Tallulah Belle is that fugly. She's actually rather cute. Rumer can't be helped . All has been done. Scout on the other hand.......I mean they should just become dudes. They honestly would make hot dudes. "
Points For Good Behavior: Bringing out the feminism for his unlikely support of female body hair. "My sister used to refuse to shave her pits and legs. It was a smelly, hairy, fug mess and I made fun of her, but I could kind of see her point. I didn't have to shave my pits, so why should she?'
The Sentence: Michael K is a blogger we actually have a hard time complaining about — he's a true equal opportunity acid-tongued hater, towards every celebrity ever, not to mention himself. Because he's fair, his sentence is one night in an all-lesbian prison.

The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: Perez Hilton blogger/cum scribbler Mario Lavandeira
The Evidence: Referring to Lauren Conrad as "beef curtains" on a regular basis.
Points for Good Behavior: This was tough, but as he normally talks shit on everyone but his sugar momma, Paris Hilton, we were quite pleased when he posted the David Letterman interview footage, saying the comic tore her ten new assholes. Are you out of the Hilton inner circle, Perez?
The Sentence: Banned from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, his office, for one month.

The Charge: Archaic, Bullshit Notions About Womanhood
The Accused: The Superficial's straight male blogger Karl Wang.
The Evidence: "Women everywhere can learn something here today. You should be able to comfortably seat a party of ten on your chest, otherwise you better be awesome in the kitchen. Real awesome."
Points for Good Behavior: None. He's not even funny.
The Sentence: Must remain a virgin for one year.

The Charge: Compartmentalizing/Objectifying Body Parts
The Accused: Some straight, horny dude from Seattle, name unknown, who blogs for Egotastic. [If you've got more info, let us know. - Ed.]
The Evidence: "Lindsay Lohan is looking too relaxed. That's not the girl we've grown to hate. Where's bitchy Lindsay? Where's freaky Lindsay?...At least her boobs are still hot. What? You thought I might actually do a Lindsay Lohan post and not talk about her rack?"
Points For Good Behavior: Isn't attracted to the most ana of women; encourages them to "eat a burger".
SENTENCE: No pussy for you Mr. Horny, for one year.

The Charge: Trivializing Abuse Of Women
The Accused: Straight-girl blogger Lisa Timmons at A Socialites Life.
The Evidence: "Jessica Simpson probably deserved that leg beating...it's almost as if she's decided to showcase her strange bruises that are either the result of being beaten for refusing to wipe that ridiculous and inexplicable smile off her face, or if it's simply the result of some uneven tanning."
Points for Good Behavior: Generally she's not much of a girl hater, so maybe we'll let this one slide.
SENTENCE: One day wiping The Superficial's ass.

The Charge: Slandering The Female Form
The Accused: Mollygood's first straight, male blogger Cord Jefferson, who's been on the job for about a year.
The Evidence: "Where're those speculative tabloids when you really need 'em? Is this chick [Garcelle Beauvais] 'sperminated' or just a pig? We have to know."
Points for Good Behavior: Usually Mollygood is funny, but we're still steaming over a post on Mollygood from a few months ago, when Jefferson pulled a Terrence Howard and went off about not wanting to know that women actually shit.
The Sentence: 24 consecutive hours of watching German scat porn.

The Charge: Obsession with Skinniness
The Accused: The Skinny, a fairly boring blog documenting the diet and exercise habits of Hollywood women, is run by a relatively dry-as-toast blogger named Rian.
The Evidence: "Is it my imagination, or is Kate Moss not scary skinny anymore, but just... skinny?"
Points for Good Behavior: Rian never makes disparaging remarks about any of the celebs she blogs about, but the site itself is what the pro-ana community would call "triggering" because of the loads of thinspiration riddling the pages. The Skinny's unapologetic focus on the importance of weight is seriously negligent. Also, it's not funny, which is a goddamn crime in itself.
The Sentence: A month on the Krispy Kreme Diet.