The Movieline crew disagrees as well, going so far as to offer Gwyneth an intervention against her own detoxification and exercise obsession. However, I think the best way to counteract Ms. Paltrow's pile o'GOOP is to create our own pile of JOOP, don't you? Below, your JOOP Guide To Not Feeling Bad About Relaxing And Enjoying Life. Excelsior!!!

• DO: Not listen to this bullshit, please. If you have to spend a month of your life "detoxing" from a period of relaxation and enjoyment, then you might want to start reconsidering your priorities. Life is short. Going through a constant cycle of being "relaxed" and being "disciplined" is a set up for unhealthy attitudes towards everything from food to exercise to body image to self-esteem. Happiness is not something that you need to wash away, and you're not "cleaner" after dropping a few pounds of water weight from your colon. As Kyle at Movieline notes:"You've got millions in Coldplay money and A View from the Top residuals, you act a few weeks a year on an Iron Man movie, and you WORK OUT THREE HOURS A DAY. If you need to assign yourself a "relax and enjoy life" phase, then you are messing up life things." If there's one thing we all need to detox from, it's the idea that losing a few pounds is the key to "fixing" our "bad" spells of, you know, living happily.
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• MAKE: Cake. Or pie, if you must. But preferably cake. And then eat it. And then stop worrying about it. Cake is a part of a balanced diet, man. I'm not saying you should eat cake three meals a day, but the sooner people stop assigning "bad" and "good" to foods and start incorporating a variety of treats into a healthy, balanced meal plan, the better we'll all be. And the less likely we'll be to fall for stupid "this is my naughty phase, this is my detox phase" advice from the likes of Paltrow.
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• GET: A unicorn. I like to buy my unicorns from an exclusive unicorn dealer on Saturn, but you can probably find one at your local unicorn dealership. A unicorn, if you didn't know, eats bullshit for breakfast and shits out rainbows, which is really handy if you have a stack of printed GOOP newsletters in the corner of your room and you need a little color in your day.
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• BE: Happy. Really. Life is too short, you guys. I say this as someone who spent 7 years that I can't get back trapped in eating disorder hell, buying into similar crap notions that I could "fix" myself by going through a cycle of "relaxing" and fasting and so on. What works for a millionaire actress with a bevy of personal trainers and elite doctors and nutritionists may just be a disaster for you. And if you ever have to feel bad about enjoying life, then ur doin' it wrong.
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• SEE: A registered dietician, if you really want to change your eating habits. Fasts and detoxes are temporary fixes that don't encourage a healthy way of eating or a healthy attitude towards food. A good dietician will help you incorporate REAL foods into your meal plan (one can not life on juice fasts and frozen diet dinners alone) to create a realistic way of staying healthy and happy.
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• GO:Relax and enjoy life. Nobody should ever have to apologize or compensate for having fun and being happy. GOOP may want you to "nourish the inner aspect," but what kind of "nourishment" springs from trying to wash your "fun" times away? Perhaps if we really concentrated on the "inner aspect," we'd see that we're worth a whole lot more than a few lousy pounds. I know I'd rather walk around with a body filled with cake and happy memories than a body filled with a steaming pile of GOOP.

Gwyneth Paltrow: The Movieline Intervention [Movieline]

Like my dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, I fancy myself a lifestyle expert, in that I have also done things and seen things and made things before. With such experience in my corner, I thought I'd attempt to make a basic guide to Summer Fun:

Make: Miracles Un-happen Many people in the world like to pray for miracles to happen. This is all well and good, but you can make your Summer extra special by ensuring that miracles do NOT happen. This is the season of cole slaw, pasta, and potato salads. Remember: the key for having a great cookout is to say to yourself: "Mayonnaise, not Miracles," for Miracle Whip is very much NOT the same thing as mayonnaise, no matter what your cousin Jimmy says. Miracle Whip is the devil's condiment, friends. Please do not be fooled by promises of extraordinary things. The real miracle would be if people would stop trying to act like these two spreads are the same thing. THEY ARE NOT. You can do your part by keeping your parties Miracle free. Sure, the blessings of the heavens may not shine upon your potato salad, but at least you can sleep at night.

Go: Kart A Go-Kart is society's mode of allowing you to race younger people, and defeat them, in an acceptable manner that does not involve getting pulled over by the cops. Do not be intimidated by the middle schoolers who want to take you out on the track: you are the boss, 2Fast2Furious, and on the track, you don't have to be nice to little Bobby or Sally. Burn rubber! And then reward yourself with an equally classy ride on the Bumper Boats. If anyone asks, tell them you spent the day "cruising and taking a sail." Nobody has to know it was at Wild Bill's Race-o-Rama.

Get: A Hose The economy is making it difficult for some of us to take those luxurious beach vacations we desire. However, there is a marvelous invention called the garden hose that will take you back to those glory days of childhood, when you also did not have a swimming pool, but you had a pretty spectacular sprinkler that was tons of fun until one of the neighborhood kids decided to sit on it mid-play and ruin the fun for everyone. A hose is also useful for watering plants, washing the dog, and spraying at the high school kids who, for some reason, think summertime is a good enough reason to make out on everyone's lawn.

Do: Turn The Bad Into A Fad So you forgot to put sunscreen on the soles of your feet and now you have to walk on tiptoe. Whatevs, Trevs! Just tell your friends and family that "toe-walking" is very in, very Vogue and that they're two steps behind, as always. Soon, everyone you know will be trying to burn their soles to keep up with your glamorous style. Be sure to throw in some cliches as well, to make it very convincing: "beauty is pain," "glamour hurts" and "sunburned toes before hos" work just fine.

Be: Original In order to obtain true originality, please be sure to follow every direction I've given so far. You should have a hose, burned toes, real mayo, and a VIP pass to the hottest bumper boat station in the nation. If you can't pull this together, perhaps you should reconsider the really important things in life and try to prioritize. Summer is a time to relax and have a good time. But one can only relax and have a great time if one is following very strict summer rules.

See: This And remember, one summer never ends, and one summer never began. I'm not sure what that means, either, but it sounds very deep and important, which is what all summer things should be:

Remember, summer is a time of fun in the sun. Always be on the lookout for false miracles, chances to race, uses for hoses, dreamy summer jams, and sunburned toe glamour. Without it, your season just may end up being a huge, steaming pile of GOOP.

In this, our secondest month of the year, I thought I would once again take a page from award winner and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, and share some life-changing lessons on how to truly enjoy yourself during tonight's Academy Awards ceremony by acting just like an Academy Award winner should. Polish up your golden statues and put on your best pink dress: here are few things for you to make, go, do, get, be, and see.

• MAKE: A Spectacle Tonight is a night for speeches. If you're playing a drinking game, and say, you take a shot every time someone thanks their agent, you're already on the right track to give a tremendous and legendary speech that will remain locked in everyone's memory for years to come. Do not hesitate to act as insane as possible: would we even remember that Cuba Gooding, Jr. was an Academy Award winner were it not for his mad speech? Or that Angelina Jolie took home a trophy if she hadn't totally made out with her brother? I think not. Think Sally Field, not Boring McWinnerpants. You, my friend, are the real champion tonight. Get on up on your couch and thank your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your mailman, whoever. Will people remember who won Best Actress tonight at this point next year? No. But they'll certainly remember how you got up and thanked Captain Morgan for taking you a-sailin'. And that's what classy speeches are all about: the memories.

• DO: Glam Up Tonight is a night for glitz and glamour. I will be here, along with your beloved Jezebel editors, live blogging tonight's ceremony in a red-carpet worthy ensemble. And by red-carpet worthy, I mean "an outfit suitable for typing on the computer while ignoring the stain on the rug where I spilled Cherry Kool-Aid last week." If you come to the live blog tonight, I suggest you come dressed to thrill. Or at least dressed to spill. For every rip in your clothing isn't a flaw, darlings, it's just something that makes your outfit one-of-a-kind.

• SEE: Actors Give The Performances Of Their Lives: Some will tell you that the roles tonight's nominees were nominated for were, perhaps, the roles of a lifetime. Bullcorn, I say! The best performances tonight will come as the winners are announced, and the losers have to put on their "Oh, isn't that amazing!" clap-clap faces. And if Kate Winslet somehow loses tonight, and is able to keep it together, I suggest we all pitch in and buy her an Oscar, as I would most likely start throwing gift cards and chocolate Oscars from my gift bag at Gary Busey to get him riled up enough to ruin everyone else's night as a type of revenge. A true winner always has a back-up plan: you may not win the award, but you'll win the next morning's headlines. And in Hollywood, that's all that matters, really.

• BE: Confident! Nobody likes a winner who doesn't act like a winner. Your role as pseudo-Academy Award winner allows you to dispense your wisdom to others, even if they don't care to hear it. And if they tell you to shut up or go away, remind them that you are, in fact, a winner of awards, and that awards are like butterflies you can catch in a net and then parade around for the rest of your life, screaming, "You can hate on me all you want, but I caught a butterfly in 1998, and you never did, haters." And as for those haters: you are going to face a lot of hateration now that you've obtained super awesome winner status. You need to learn to handle said criticism in the classiest manner possible. Make sure to sniff at people who make less money than you do, and then note that anyone who questions your happiness must not have happiness of their own. The NYTimes will share your story with the world, noting that you are quite like Marie Antoinette, two months after the Daily Beast does, and five months after a website called Jezebel does. Victory!

• GO: Crazy :If there is only one Oscar winner you should listen to tonight, it is Prince. If things get really crazy, he will direct you to that shrink in Beverly Hills. You know the one, Dr. Everything'll B. All Right? Instead of asking how much of your time is left, ask him about your mind baby.

• GET: Inspired: If nothing else, an Academy Award allows you to take what ever roles you want, at least for a short time. And while many may criticize her for her win and her choices, there is perhaps no Academy Award winner who dances quite as awesomely as this:
  
  
  
  
  
  While some Oscar winners may be embarrassed about the comedic roles they've chosen, our Mira remembers that the most important element in any winner's life is the element of fun. For if you can't enjoy yourself, laugh a little, and be willing to poke a little fun at yourself now and again, you're just going to find yourself alone on the dance floor, standing in a pile of GOOP.

Martha, Oprah...Gwyneth? [NYTimes]
Stepping In GOOP [The Daily Beast]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's New Website: Let Them Eat Macrobiotic Rice!

• MAKE: A Mess We all love to make things. When I wake up every morning, I say to myself, "What, Hortense, are you going to make today?" And the answer is usually this: "I am going to make a mess." It is so freeing when one realizes their true powers of mess making-dom. There are so many ways a person can make a mess, really. You can start by getting out of bed and saying, "Screw you, bed. You're not getting made today...but a mess certainly is!" After that, celebrate your power by making breakfast and leaving the dishes strewn about the kitchen. Then, decide not to shower or change your clothes, and carry your mess with you throughout the day. Do not fret when your co-workers glare at you: they are just jealous! Your messy hair, general stank, and slept-in clothes are a way of saying to the world, "I have made a decision, and that decision is mess." Then celebrate once more by falling asleep on your keyboard and dreaming in a pile of your own drool. Nobody else can make that drool for you: you have to want to make it on your own.

• GO: Outside! When I am inside typing, I often think to myself, "Gee, I wish there was another option." Turns out, there is! You can go outside as well. Outside, there are trees, plants, and clouds. There are also small dogs who leave excrement on the sidewalks. Do not step in the excrement. While it's tempting to test new substances on one's shoes, please remember that not every path in life is a good path; the excrement path is one to avoid. I once stepped in excrement in seventh grade and was called "Poo Shoes" for about 3 days. As an expert on these things, I'd advise you to walk around the excrement and find yourself another way. The outside is vast; there are poop free zones for us all to enjoy.

• GET: Real While cashmere socks and $1,800 watches are tempting, they aren't exactly practical for all of us in these strange economic times. With the holiday season upon us, it's important to remember that gifts from the heart mean more than gifts from the fanciest stores in town. That being said, you only have one real rule to follow, when it comes to getting the best gifts for your friends and family: don't bake cookies unless you are good at baking cookies. We all love homemade gifts, it's true, and the good intentions behind a tin of sugar or chocolate chip lovelies is grand, indeed, but for the love of all things Christmas, if you're one of those people who doesn't know the difference between baking powder and baking soda and ends up packaging a box full of burned hockey puck-esque "treats," each year, you might want to consider saving your time and your money and just buying your friends some liquor instead. Because while burned cookies say, "I tried because I love you." A bottle of whiskey says, "I didn't try, because I love you more."

• DO: Get Creative Now that we're in a recession, I think it's important to consider cheaper methods of purchasing couture items, which is why I highly recommend treating your facial blemishes with benzoyl peroxide medication. Not only will your skin glow like fresh love on a winter's morning, but your towels, t-shirts, and perhaps even your eyebrows will be bleached to holy hell, leaving designer purple pink streaks on all of your favorite linens. It's a personal stamp that says, "I'm here, my skin is somewhat clear, and I will probably run out and buy new towels whenever someone comes to visit, so that they won't see my bleached up ones, even though they are my friends and seriously? Screw those guys if they make fun of my zit bleach towels. They can drip dry for all my beautiful clear face cares."

• BE: Yourself And by "yourself," I mean the version of yourself that I have laid out so carefully in the other segments of this newsletter. If you're doing this correctly, you should be staring at the screen with a cup of fresh chocolate milk beside you as Duran Duran's "The Reflex" plays in the background and the scents of nutmeg and popcorn waft through the air. The trapeze artist to your left should be named Allan, with two L's, and your cat should be thumbing through a macrobiotic cookbook and planning next Thursday's dinner. If one or more of these things isn't taking place, perhaps it's time for you to slow down and ask yourself, "Who am I, really? And why am I not following the goddamn newsletter rules?"

• SEE: This:
  This man, Tom Jones, is trying to tell you what "a lady" is. Don't you want to be the kind of woman that this jackass would "like to flaunt and take to dinner?" Then perhaps you should pay attention to his smooth moves and rockin tune. Also, this is one of the most unintentionally hilarious songs of all time. So give it a spin as you bleach your towels, make your messes, avoid excrement, and throw your burned cookies at annoying neighbors. Then invite your friends over and share that holiday whiskey. Together, with the help of JOOP, we're going to get through this recession, the very best ladies we can be.