Gwyneth describes her stay at "the revamped historic La Mamounia Hotel," where she enjoyed "a daily Hammam treatment at the hotel's spa. Get this: 15 minutes in a steam room, a full-body lather in Black Soap, an exfoliating rub down, a Ghassoul (Moroccan clay) body masque, and then a warm shower... Ridiculously lavish!" So did she pay for the privilege of getting steamed and lathered? Not likely, says Jeff Bercovici of Daily Finance. Apparently Gwyneth was one of several celebrity guests at the hotel's gala reopening after its most recent renovation. According to the Daily Beast, the party included a procession led by architect Jacques Garcia: "As a phalanx of security stood guard, Garcia led La Mamounia's red-carpet march, flanked by his outlandishly coiffed muse, Tess, and quickly followed by a succession of Arabian/American/Iberian/Anglo/Gallic celebrities." Throughout the night, said celebrities offered gushing sound bites like "I've had a longtime love affair with Morocco" (Juliette Binoche) and "those beautiful gardens, the attention to detail - La Mamounia has a tremendous sense of the past" (Adrien Brody). Gwyneth apparently retreated into a private "palace of privilege" right after her red carpet appearance, and had to deliver her praise via the web instead.

Therein lies the problem. An anonymous booker tells Bercovici that there's "not a chance in hell" Gwyneth paid her own way at La Mamounia. The booker continues,

I'm sure they were comped the entire thing. If you're going to go on a holiday over Thanksgiving, you don't go somewhere you know there are going to be photographers if you're paying.

And, according to new FTC guidelines issued last month, both celebrities and rank-and-file bloggers are supposed to disclose any free goods they received if they make endorsements via online media. Some have argued that this disclosure rule isn't enforced for print journalists, and that bloggers are being unfairly targeted. Others are concerned that trolls will take this opportunity to report blogs they don't like. There's also the issue of enforcement. Back in June, Caroline McCarthy of CNET wrote,

[D]oes the FTC realize just how many small-time bloggers are out there? Championing business ethics is a worthy goal, but, um, good luck getting much done when there are hundreds of thousands of blogs out there and new ones popping up more or less daily. Ever heard of the expression "herding cats?"

Of course, Gwyneth is a very big cat indeed, and the FTC might send a louder message by fining her (the penalty for undisclosed freebies is up to $11,000) than it would by targeting smaller bloggers. Bercovici says the big fines are meant mainly for advertisers — "still," he writes, "I contacted an FTC spokeswoman to ask how it would determine whether Paltrow violated the guidelines — and what, if any, steps it would take in the event that she had." No response yet — but in a world where the richest people sometimes seem to get the most free shit, it would be nice if Gwyneth, Brody, et al had to disclose the motivations behind their praise. Regular readers of GOOP probably understand that the newsletter promulgates a lifestyle that's unattainable for most people — after all, Gwynnie "can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year." Still, it might be nice if we all got an explicit disclosure that her "life is good because [she's] not passive about it" — and because companies aren't passive about courting her favor with freebies. And while we're at it, could someone teach her the difference between "it's" and "its?"

Gwyneth Paltrow: Will The FTC Call About Her 'Ridiculously Lavish' Vacation? [Daily Finance]
Marrakesh [GOOP]

Related: Report: FTC To Go After Blogger Freebies [CNET]

Base:
She: Daily Beast
He: Esquire

Duration:
She: 3 Weeks
He: 2 Weeks

Stated Reason for Stunt: ("Poor Writer Does Oblvious Movie Star Stuff as Easy Formula" is implicit)
She: Seeks"an effort to understand this complex star."
He: Seeks to "break down the sanity of the Goop life, from common sense to madness."

Make:
She: 3 kinds of chocolate chip cookies, sugar-free banana nut muffins, turkey ragu, a grand, multi-Holiday feast.
He: Smoothies, soups, "Chicken with Onions, Lemon and Saffron",

Go:
She: A Mario Batali restaurant Gwynnie likes
He: Acupuncture

Get:
She: Leggings
He: Tinted under-eye moisturizer

Do:
She: ReadsCrime and Punishment, gives herself a sugar-and-coffee scrub, drinks 2 tablespoons of EVOO nightly, does a Seven-Day Detox, gives up "white foods (bread, pasta), preserved foods (chips, cookies), toxic foods (candy, ice cream), and foods containing heavy metals", negativity.

He: Reads The Sheltering Sky , gives to charity, does same Detox, acupuncture, dance cardio workouts, attempts organic-only eating, gives up "dairy, gluten, meat, shellfish, condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and an entire class of food (tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, and peppers) called nightshades."

Be:
She: Practices the African philosophy of ubuntu
He: Listens to Deepak Chopra

Breakthrough:
She: "And then, like magic, at some point in the middle of week two, I stopped noticing what an unbelievable hassle it was to follow this ridiculous plan. My ear adjusted to Gwyneth's affect, and rather than guffawing at some of her more outlandish suggestions, I found myself intrigued by the $249 Voltaic Solar Backpack and her recommendation to "take your drinking water to the next level" with a $900 alkaline filtration system. What vegan shoe designer does Cameron Diaz recommend? I suddenly wanted to know."

He: "Yet... after four or five days, I noticed a change. I stopped craving coffee. I felt a steady stream of energy all day long. There was, in fact, a spring in my step. My mind wasn't quite as sharp as it used to be, and I had trouble concentrating during meetings, but physically speaking, I felt recharged."

Amusing Failures:
She: gives up the detox after a couple of days; doesn't have time for all the recipes, and can't afford anything.
He: Embarrasses himself dancing and is seen and mocked by neighborhood children; takes an unmanly interest in various effete things.

Conclusions:
She:

There's a lot to scoff at here, but the three weeks I spent following GOOP were pure joy. Expensive, inconvenient and totally unsustainable-yes, but also full of unexpected pleasures...She may be tone-deaf and full of wacky ideas about food and religion, but she really just wants everyone to feel as good as she does. On a few occasions, I think I got close. My GOOP plan began with cynicism and failure, and by the end, I was cooking a giant pan-holiday dinner party with recipes from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and Valentine's Day for my boyfriend, three girlfriends, and Rue McClanahan of The Golden Girls.

He:

At the end of this two-week experiment, I can report, without qualification or caveat, that I felt very, very good. I was sleeping better. I had more energy. I'd lost nine pounds. Revolutionary or not, Gwyneth's way worked, and if it worked for this sinner, it could work for anybody. Case closed..And yet. I wasn't having much fun. (I like to eat red meat and drink too much at parties. It makes me happy.) I wasn't doing well at work - maybe it's because I was drinking less caffeine, but I was more reserved in meetings and a little slower on the uptake. I was also quite a bit poorer than when I started out.

Conclusions: It was interesting to see the contrast in the approaches. Although both tried to be open-minded, the dude was clearly more skeptical about the whole endeavor, and found the lifestyle more of a departure. Perhaps most important, he found the whole thing kind of embarrassing. She, on the other hand, even as she bemoaned the unachievable nature of many of Gwyneth's recommendations, got into the spirit of it. In a way this makes sense: Gwynnie's a woman, and Goop's base is, presumably, female. (And if we're more prone to suggestions, tips, advice, self-help, this also implies an open-mindedness, and an ability to take the good.) What they both took away from the stunt was common sense: eat better, drink water, think positive. Do you need self-congratulatory trappings and oblivious stars to tell you this? No. But, hey, if people are taking something good away from it, fine. Both these pieces kind of read like a fable: they have to make a long, absurd journey only to find what was always there in front of them. And while that makes me think that Goop is a waste of time, Gwyneth would probably have a quote about paths and roads and moisturizer that some people would rather hear - and that the rest of us can mock. What did these pieces teach us? Nothing. Or, as Goop would have it, everything.

The Goop Matrix [Esquire]

My Life As Gwyneth [Daily Beast]

Strictly speaking, Gwyneth was talking about photographers when she allegedly told her publicist, "I'm done. Get the roaches out of here." "Roach" Chuck Taylor points out that she was "referring to those very photographers that deliver her pictures to the wire services, newspapers and weekly celebrity magazines, helping her maintain any semblance of relevance." But we're sure she'd have an equally insectile epithet to hurl at Craig Brown, who skewers GOOP in Vanity Fair. His "Diary: Gwyneth Paltrow" ("As told to Craig Brown") offers the following advice:

Many of you have asked if I have any tips on how to get leggings on quicker. My in-house leggings guru advises rubbing onto your legs a paste made from five spoonfuls of extra-virgin olive oil, turbinado sugar, and coarsely ground fair-trade coffee. If you have any further problems, then next week I'll be recommending a truly great creative-leggings clinic.

Brown's faux-Gwynnie also mentions "learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable" and an "amazing new recipe for a detox face cream consisting of oatmeal, bee pollen, butterfly larvae, organic anti-freeze, sunflower extract, and liquid Lycra." But what is she reading? "Gwyneth" writes,

Here are some of my absolute favorite books. War, by Leo Tolstoy. A great read. Bonus: You can get it as part of a two-volume edition which includes Peace by the same great author.

Shakespeare, by Shakespeare. He has so many great lines. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "I am the Walrus." "My heart will go on." They're part of the language.

Brown is getting it slightly wrong here. Gwyneth Paltrow isn't an idiot — she's just self-absorbed, entitled, and possibly overly credulous of silly homeopathic shit. She may be a little careless about who she takes her book recommendations from, but she probably doesn't get Shakespeare confused with John Lennon. We do wonder, however, how she feels about The Metamorphosis.

Why Won't The Media 'Roaches' Leave Poor Gwyneth Alone? [Gawker]
Sweet Gwyneth Paltrow Maligns The Press, Calling Them "The Roaches" [The Smoking Nun]
Diary: Gwyneth Paltrow [Vanity Fair]

Earlier: Gwyneth Gives Free Ad Space To Fancy NYC Literary Agent

For starters, Janklow himself appears to represent Tilly Bagshawe, author of Sidney Sheldon's Mistress Of The Game, and Jilliane Hoffman, author of Plea Of Insanity. Of Hoffman, Janklow said in a press release, "Jilliane made my job as her agent incredibly easy – she wrote a perfect book." Three other authors on Janklow's recommendations list — Alex Wellen, Gideon Defoe, and Rafael Yglesias, are represented by other agents at Janklow's agency. Andrew Gottlieb is repped by somebody at Janklow & Nesbit, and thanks Luke Janklow in his acknowledgements. That means of the six authors on Janklow's recommendations list, his agency represents... six.

It's not really strange that Janklow tried this move — we expect agents to market their books — but it's a little gross that Gwyneth Paltrow allowed it. She needs to get some more careful editors before GOOP becomes just some out-of-touch, advertorial-padded collection of celebrity ramblings that nobody respects.

Oh, wait.

Update: Gotta love this passage from a People magazine item that just went up about Gwyneth and GOOP:

"It's crazy. . . . crazy!" Paltrow chatted exclusively with PEOPLE about the site at the Children of the City‘s Champions of Hope Benefit Gala at the Tribeca Rooftop last night in N.Y.C. "I just love it. Corporate America is knocking at my door. . . . ‘Will you hawk my product'?" The answer is clearly no for the star's very personal project...

Summer Reads [GOOP]
Gwyneth Paltrow on GOOP: "Corporate America is Knocking On My Door!" [People]

The Movieline crew disagrees as well, going so far as to offer Gwyneth an intervention against her own detoxification and exercise obsession. However, I think the best way to counteract Ms. Paltrow's pile o'GOOP is to create our own pile of JOOP, don't you? Below, your JOOP Guide To Not Feeling Bad About Relaxing And Enjoying Life. Excelsior!!!

• DO: Not listen to this bullshit, please. If you have to spend a month of your life "detoxing" from a period of relaxation and enjoyment, then you might want to start reconsidering your priorities. Life is short. Going through a constant cycle of being "relaxed" and being "disciplined" is a set up for unhealthy attitudes towards everything from food to exercise to body image to self-esteem. Happiness is not something that you need to wash away, and you're not "cleaner" after dropping a few pounds of water weight from your colon. As Kyle at Movieline notes:"You've got millions in Coldplay money and A View from the Top residuals, you act a few weeks a year on an Iron Man movie, and you WORK OUT THREE HOURS A DAY. If you need to assign yourself a "relax and enjoy life" phase, then you are messing up life things." If there's one thing we all need to detox from, it's the idea that losing a few pounds is the key to "fixing" our "bad" spells of, you know, living happily.
• 
  
  
  
• MAKE: Cake. Or pie, if you must. But preferably cake. And then eat it. And then stop worrying about it. Cake is a part of a balanced diet, man. I'm not saying you should eat cake three meals a day, but the sooner people stop assigning "bad" and "good" to foods and start incorporating a variety of treats into a healthy, balanced meal plan, the better we'll all be. And the less likely we'll be to fall for stupid "this is my naughty phase, this is my detox phase" advice from the likes of Paltrow.
• 
  
  
  
• GET: A unicorn. I like to buy my unicorns from an exclusive unicorn dealer on Saturn, but you can probably find one at your local unicorn dealership. A unicorn, if you didn't know, eats bullshit for breakfast and shits out rainbows, which is really handy if you have a stack of printed GOOP newsletters in the corner of your room and you need a little color in your day.
• 
  
  
  
• BE: Happy. Really. Life is too short, you guys. I say this as someone who spent 7 years that I can't get back trapped in eating disorder hell, buying into similar crap notions that I could "fix" myself by going through a cycle of "relaxing" and fasting and so on. What works for a millionaire actress with a bevy of personal trainers and elite doctors and nutritionists may just be a disaster for you. And if you ever have to feel bad about enjoying life, then ur doin' it wrong.
• 
  
  
  
• SEE: A registered dietician, if you really want to change your eating habits. Fasts and detoxes are temporary fixes that don't encourage a healthy way of eating or a healthy attitude towards food. A good dietician will help you incorporate REAL foods into your meal plan (one can not life on juice fasts and frozen diet dinners alone) to create a realistic way of staying healthy and happy.
• 
  
  
  
• GO:Relax and enjoy life. Nobody should ever have to apologize or compensate for having fun and being happy. GOOP may want you to "nourish the inner aspect," but what kind of "nourishment" springs from trying to wash your "fun" times away? Perhaps if we really concentrated on the "inner aspect," we'd see that we're worth a whole lot more than a few lousy pounds. I know I'd rather walk around with a body filled with cake and happy memories than a body filled with a steaming pile of GOOP.

Gwyneth Paltrow: The Movieline Intervention [Movieline]

Like my dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, I fancy myself a lifestyle expert, in that I have also done things and seen things and made things before. With such experience in my corner, I thought I'd attempt to make a basic guide to Summer Fun:

Make: Miracles Un-happen Many people in the world like to pray for miracles to happen. This is all well and good, but you can make your Summer extra special by ensuring that miracles do NOT happen. This is the season of cole slaw, pasta, and potato salads. Remember: the key for having a great cookout is to say to yourself: "Mayonnaise, not Miracles," for Miracle Whip is very much NOT the same thing as mayonnaise, no matter what your cousin Jimmy says. Miracle Whip is the devil's condiment, friends. Please do not be fooled by promises of extraordinary things. The real miracle would be if people would stop trying to act like these two spreads are the same thing. THEY ARE NOT. You can do your part by keeping your parties Miracle free. Sure, the blessings of the heavens may not shine upon your potato salad, but at least you can sleep at night.

Go: Kart A Go-Kart is society's mode of allowing you to race younger people, and defeat them, in an acceptable manner that does not involve getting pulled over by the cops. Do not be intimidated by the middle schoolers who want to take you out on the track: you are the boss, 2Fast2Furious, and on the track, you don't have to be nice to little Bobby or Sally. Burn rubber! And then reward yourself with an equally classy ride on the Bumper Boats. If anyone asks, tell them you spent the day "cruising and taking a sail." Nobody has to know it was at Wild Bill's Race-o-Rama.

Get: A Hose The economy is making it difficult for some of us to take those luxurious beach vacations we desire. However, there is a marvelous invention called the garden hose that will take you back to those glory days of childhood, when you also did not have a swimming pool, but you had a pretty spectacular sprinkler that was tons of fun until one of the neighborhood kids decided to sit on it mid-play and ruin the fun for everyone. A hose is also useful for watering plants, washing the dog, and spraying at the high school kids who, for some reason, think summertime is a good enough reason to make out on everyone's lawn.

Do: Turn The Bad Into A Fad So you forgot to put sunscreen on the soles of your feet and now you have to walk on tiptoe. Whatevs, Trevs! Just tell your friends and family that "toe-walking" is very in, very Vogue and that they're two steps behind, as always. Soon, everyone you know will be trying to burn their soles to keep up with your glamorous style. Be sure to throw in some cliches as well, to make it very convincing: "beauty is pain," "glamour hurts" and "sunburned toes before hos" work just fine.

Be: Original In order to obtain true originality, please be sure to follow every direction I've given so far. You should have a hose, burned toes, real mayo, and a VIP pass to the hottest bumper boat station in the nation. If you can't pull this together, perhaps you should reconsider the really important things in life and try to prioritize. Summer is a time to relax and have a good time. But one can only relax and have a great time if one is following very strict summer rules.

See: This And remember, one summer never ends, and one summer never began. I'm not sure what that means, either, but it sounds very deep and important, which is what all summer things should be:

Remember, summer is a time of fun in the sun. Always be on the lookout for false miracles, chances to race, uses for hoses, dreamy summer jams, and sunburned toe glamour. Without it, your season just may end up being a huge, steaming pile of GOOP.

• Nancy Pelosi left a health-care forum at the White House to meet with Brad Pitt. This piece calls them "Brancy." [WaPo]

• Everybody on Capitol Hill was atwitter over Brad Pitt being in their midst; Rep. James E. Clyburn says: "I did not realize when the Speaker asked me to chair the Katrina/Rita task force that it would lead to my getting in a position to make my grandchildren so envious of me, because this effort brought the two of us — Brad Pitt and myself together." [Politico]
• This headline sums it up: "Capitol Hill Goes Gaga Over Brad Pitt." [USA Today]
• Back in September, Amy Winehouse was involved in some kind of "incident" (uh, which one?) and now she has been charged with assault. Run back to St. Lucia! [People]
• Oh yeah: It was when she punched a fan who asked for a picture. [The Sun, Daily Mail]
• Um, Amy's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is "besotted" with Francesca Morralee, who is 17. [The Sun]
• Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday but did not enter a plea. His arraignment was delayed until April 6. [People]
  
• Here's a picture of two "fans" outside Chris Brown's court hearing yesterday, with signs which read "I love you Chris." [Concrete Loop]
• After Chris Brown was charged with two felonies, one of Rihanna's relatives told People: "It's about time." [People]
• Rihanna's lawyer told Chris Brown: "I think Rihanna would like this over as quickly as possible. It benefits everybody." Then Brown's own lawyer told Brown: "I've explained it to you that the best thing that could happen in this case is, Don [Rihanna's lawyer] is involved. Didn't I tell you that?" [LA Times]
• Nine days passed before Chris Brown apologized to Rihanna for beating her. [Fox 411]
• The reason Usher backed down on his criticism of Chris Brown? Rihanna. Trying to show support for Rihanna. [MSNBC]
• Chris Brown "hit the town" after his court appearance. Not really… He hung out at a hotel bar with bodyguards. [TMZ]
• What the goop was Gwyneth Paltrow doing getting into a chauffeur-driven car with Christiane Amanpour? [Page Six]
• Jewel and Nancy O'Dell have both withdrawn from Dancing With The Stars due to injuries suffered during rehearsals. What the hell goes on at that show? [People]
• Girls Next Door star Holly Madison will replace Jewel and Nancy. [NY Daily News]
• It may have sounded like there were screaming masses at Michael Jackson's press conference, but there were only 25 people including press. [Gatecrasher]
• But! People trying to get "pre-sale" tickets for Jackson's show are complaining that the website is effed. [Telegraph]
• Even though Heath Ledger's dad told a reporter that the family planned to keep Heath's Oscar "forever," it will actually go to Michelle Williams. Today. She will hold it for Matilda. [LA Times]
• WTF. This report begins, "Madonna has offered a gnarly old hand to Sienna Miller…" [Daily Star]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were "in tears" watching American Idol finalist Jorge Nuñez. [E!]
• "Regis Philbin Blackmail Shocker!" [National Enquirer]
• David Beckham will stay with AC Milan until the end of the season and will return next season, but he'll be "timeshared" with the LA Galaxy between July and October. [Daily Mail]
• "Flip-flopping" Bachelor Jason Mesnick swears he is not a jerk. [MSNBC]
• Shh! Don't tell anyone, but Lucy Liu is an artist, painting under the pseudonym Yu Ling. Snap up her portrait of two people kissing for a mere $28,000. [Page Six]
• It's all baby-talk all the time on the set of Ugly Betty. [People]
• For an episode of Oprah's show, Dennis Quaid and his wife returned to the hospital where their twins were given an overdose of blood thinner. [AP]
• Vince Vaughn is engaged and the lady is named Kyla Weber; she's a Canadian real estate agent. [Gatecrasher]
• Simon Cowell and ex Terri Seymour went on a dinner date. Cue the "ooooohhhh!" [Daily Mail]
• Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle and his wife welcomed a daughter, Aven Angelica, yesterday. [People]
• "LSD, Easter Island, science fiction and, of course, Lorne Michaels, all played a role in developing the Coneheads sketch for Saturday Night Live. [Page Six]
• Joe Francis denies he accidentally bumped into Brody Jenner's girlfriend at a club, which sparked a screaming match. Joe, ever the pacifist, says: "There was no physical contact, but if you're Brody Jenner and dating an ugly piece of trash…you should expect these types of altercations." [Page Six]
• Ghostface has written a song for Rihanna. Sample lyrics: "Shake it off, wake up… Pretty lady, come about yourself…" [Concrete Loop]
• Fantasia Barrino returns to the musical The Color Purple for a five week stint in Washington DC. [Variety]
• Mark Wahlberg will star in a "dark thriller" which this piece calls "one of the hottest scripts in town." It's set in Boston, so Wahlberg can do his best "Say hello to your mother for me." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• DNA tests prove that Jerry Lewis has a daughter — he mother had an affair with the entertainer back in 1952. He has not publicly acknowledged the woman as his daughter, but his son agreed to a DNA test because "everybody deserves to know where they came from and who they are." [UPI]
• Blind item: "Which flowery former wild child had a bad sexual experience with the creator of a hit TV show - but went for another round because 'she'll try anything twice'?" [Gatecrasher]
• R.I.P. Sydney Chaplin, Charlie Chaplin's son and Tony-award winning actor. [AP]
• "My dad is more of a rock star than me. He embraces the lifestyle. People think having your dad on tour would cramp your style. But I don't have any style - he's got all the right moves. He's living the dream. I am going to check he hasn't trashed the hotel room before we leave each city." — Chris Martin. [The Sun]
• "The biggest thing for me is that I am now going to have to choose between work - this script or that script. Until now, my roles have chosen me; my career has been shaped essentially by never saying no. But now I will have to say no. I just hope l'll be wise in my choosing." — Melissa Leo, about her life post-Oscar nomination. [Guardian]
• "So when I do go out with him I sit and get progressively more pissed, and he's one of those annoying people who remembers everything. I go to him, 'Just have a fucking beer! One beer!' And he says to me that if he has one beer he'll probably end up in a crack house in Kings Cross within 40 minutes. I'm like, ‘Brilliant, I'll come with you.'" — Noel Gallagher, on hanging out with Russell Brand, who does not drink. [The Sun]
• "It's fine if Tori wants her own reality show or wants to write books about her childhood. I just wish she'd leave me out of it. She has plenty to talk about without saying things like, 'I wish I were closer to my mother,' or 'Did you see what my mother wrote on her Web site?' I wish she would call me, rather than say on television, 'I should call my mom.'" — Candy Spelling, whose autobiography, Stories From Candy-Land, is out at the end of the month. [Gatecrasher]
• "Dave [Stewart] and I talk to each other only rarely these days, and I can't see another reunion. He lives in America and I'm over here. We're both working on our own things. For me, it would feel like a step backwards and I want to keep moving forward. I enjoy multi-tasking, so I want to do a lot of different things. I want to keep all the plates spinning." — Annie Lennox. [Daily Mail]
• "I am in perfect health. I'm in very good shape and feeling very good." — Hugh Hefner, knocking down reports that her was "far from his normally alert self" at a recent party. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "It doesn't vacuum, it doesn't wash the dishes or stuff like that." — Charlize Theron, joking about her Oscar. [The Star]
• "I'd love to work with Amy Winehouse. She has a very distinct, sexy, soulful voice and she writes great lyrics." — John Legend. [Mirror]
• "[The role reminds me of ] a period of my life where I had to work several jobs to pay my bills. Something would go wrong and you'd have to take another job to get your car running. That was very real for me." — Amy Adams, on Sunshine Cleaning. [WSJ]

In this, our secondest month of the year, I thought I would once again take a page from award winner and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, and share some life-changing lessons on how to truly enjoy yourself during tonight's Academy Awards ceremony by acting just like an Academy Award winner should. Polish up your golden statues and put on your best pink dress: here are few things for you to make, go, do, get, be, and see.

• MAKE: A Spectacle Tonight is a night for speeches. If you're playing a drinking game, and say, you take a shot every time someone thanks their agent, you're already on the right track to give a tremendous and legendary speech that will remain locked in everyone's memory for years to come. Do not hesitate to act as insane as possible: would we even remember that Cuba Gooding, Jr. was an Academy Award winner were it not for his mad speech? Or that Angelina Jolie took home a trophy if she hadn't totally made out with her brother? I think not. Think Sally Field, not Boring McWinnerpants. You, my friend, are the real champion tonight. Get on up on your couch and thank your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your mailman, whoever. Will people remember who won Best Actress tonight at this point next year? No. But they'll certainly remember how you got up and thanked Captain Morgan for taking you a-sailin'. And that's what classy speeches are all about: the memories.

• DO: Glam Up Tonight is a night for glitz and glamour. I will be here, along with your beloved Jezebel editors, live blogging tonight's ceremony in a red-carpet worthy ensemble. And by red-carpet worthy, I mean "an outfit suitable for typing on the computer while ignoring the stain on the rug where I spilled Cherry Kool-Aid last week." If you come to the live blog tonight, I suggest you come dressed to thrill. Or at least dressed to spill. For every rip in your clothing isn't a flaw, darlings, it's just something that makes your outfit one-of-a-kind.

• SEE: Actors Give The Performances Of Their Lives: Some will tell you that the roles tonight's nominees were nominated for were, perhaps, the roles of a lifetime. Bullcorn, I say! The best performances tonight will come as the winners are announced, and the losers have to put on their "Oh, isn't that amazing!" clap-clap faces. And if Kate Winslet somehow loses tonight, and is able to keep it together, I suggest we all pitch in and buy her an Oscar, as I would most likely start throwing gift cards and chocolate Oscars from my gift bag at Gary Busey to get him riled up enough to ruin everyone else's night as a type of revenge. A true winner always has a back-up plan: you may not win the award, but you'll win the next morning's headlines. And in Hollywood, that's all that matters, really.

• BE: Confident! Nobody likes a winner who doesn't act like a winner. Your role as pseudo-Academy Award winner allows you to dispense your wisdom to others, even if they don't care to hear it. And if they tell you to shut up or go away, remind them that you are, in fact, a winner of awards, and that awards are like butterflies you can catch in a net and then parade around for the rest of your life, screaming, "You can hate on me all you want, but I caught a butterfly in 1998, and you never did, haters." And as for those haters: you are going to face a lot of hateration now that you've obtained super awesome winner status. You need to learn to handle said criticism in the classiest manner possible. Make sure to sniff at people who make less money than you do, and then note that anyone who questions your happiness must not have happiness of their own. The NYTimes will share your story with the world, noting that you are quite like Marie Antoinette, two months after the Daily Beast does, and five months after a website called Jezebel does. Victory!

• GO: Crazy :If there is only one Oscar winner you should listen to tonight, it is Prince. If things get really crazy, he will direct you to that shrink in Beverly Hills. You know the one, Dr. Everything'll B. All Right? Instead of asking how much of your time is left, ask him about your mind baby.

• GET: Inspired: If nothing else, an Academy Award allows you to take what ever roles you want, at least for a short time. And while many may criticize her for her win and her choices, there is perhaps no Academy Award winner who dances quite as awesomely as this:
  
  
  
  
  
  While some Oscar winners may be embarrassed about the comedic roles they've chosen, our Mira remembers that the most important element in any winner's life is the element of fun. For if you can't enjoy yourself, laugh a little, and be willing to poke a little fun at yourself now and again, you're just going to find yourself alone on the dance floor, standing in a pile of GOOP.

Martha, Oprah...Gwyneth? [NYTimes]
Stepping In GOOP [The Daily Beast]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's New Website: Let Them Eat Macrobiotic Rice!

Sadie: No. I know GOOP can be risibly tone-deaf, and I know we're all in high dudgeon about the economy...but is she really that bad? I mean, really? Let's look the plus side: she's made some decent movies. Say what you will about her Oscar win, Shakespeare in Love remains a solid view; Emma was pretty good; she was funny on SNL; and who doesn't like Margot Tenenbaum?

And let's play devil's advocate here: is what she does on GOOP really that different from the recommendations and musings we get from Oprah or Martha Stewart? The difference may be that she was raised in privilege; but because she had advantages doesn't mean she's lazy - there are a lot of celeb spawn out there doing a lot less. We resent her taking the time to instruct us on attaining her perfection, but in a way, don't we want it both ways? It's annoying when stars are mysterious and elusive a la Angelina, yet when someone spills - and obviously she's going to be rich and oblivious and out of touch when she does! - we pillory her.

I guess the main thing, for me, is that apparently she's pretty nice. The few people I know who've had dealings with her (one of them's a teacher of mine who taught her in high school) have all said she was kind, generous, and genuinely interested in non-celebs in a way most stars simply are not. We hear so much about celebrities who are assholes, that should count for something. At the end of the day, can you really fault someone for obliviousness? Well, yes: no one likes to be patronized. But the thing is, she really seems to think she's offering useful information to people, and is hurt and baffled by the backlash. And let's be frank: GOOP is the gift that keeps on giving, and I for one like presents.

Anna: Yes. Sadie, let me say first off that you are a far more generous person on the subject of celebrities - and Gwyneth Paltrow in particular - than I will ever be. The woman has long come off like a phony, as evidenced by this self-satisfied, overly smiley appearance at the Grammys last night:

Okay, the wink at the end to her husband was cute.

Listen, I've had an admittedly strange dislike for Ms. Paltrow and her offscreen image for a long time, from back in the mid '90s when I was an assistant at an entertainment magazine and was assigned to cover numerous parties and events, many of which she attended. These were usually small, "private", Miramax-run functions - this was the era in which Harvey Weinstein was grooming her for A-list status and Oscar glory, the era right before Emma and Shakespeare in Love; when she had just begun dating Brad Pitt and when NY Mag tattooed a large, virtual target on her back by putting her on the cover and deeming her the "Luckiest Girl In The World" - and Gwyneth Paltrow, while "nice", never struck me as particularly authentic or sincere. Maybe it was the stint at Spence, or the fact that her entree into Hollywood came courtesy of her parents, or maybe it was that she was more fabulous than I ever would be, but there was something about her mannerisms both on and off-screen - condecension? snobbery? actually, I'd describe it as "smugness" - that always rubbed me the wrong way.

[On a somewhat-related note, I went into my closet yesterday and dug out a paparazzi picture of her (that's me in the background trying to pretend I am unaware of the camera) from a private screening back in March 1996. I "defaced" it and put it up in my cubicle at the time. Yeah, the bad blood runs deep.]

I disagree with you: Celebrities of her caliber are not always going to be "rich and oblivious and out of touch" when they spill, and Gwyneth Paltrow has had the poor judgment to share her elitist, oblivious and out of touch opinions with the world at a time when no one wants to hear them. And comparing her to Oprah or Martha Stewart is giving her way too much credit; I fear for a world in which women are on a first name basis with Gwyneth Paltrow and sent into fits of screaming, consumptive ecstasy at every mention of her Favorite Things. The difference between Gwyneth Paltrow and Oprah and Martha is that the latter two built their audience - and their audience's trust in them - slowly, surely, and with sincerity. They are also self-made women. This GOOP and gym stuff seems random, arrogant, presumptuous and, at the same time, obvious... exactly what you'd expect a privileged, native New Yorker with an uptown pedigree and a downtown designs to say and do. (Sometimes I think Gwyneth Paltrow is an animated version of the worst parts of the NY Times' "Styles" and "Metro" sections.) But this isn't just about GOOP and designer gyms; it's about the years and years of her saying stupid and/or snotty stuff ("I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year" - note to casting directors, this Oscar winner can't hack a Monster's Ball type role!); it's about that friendship with Madonna; it's about the ice queen image she's done little or nothing to counteract; it's about those pictures of her sunning herself on Valentino Garavani's yacht; it's about that rumored indiscretion while she was engaged to Brad Pitt; that "I Am African" advertisement; oh, and did I mention Madonna? It's about the sorts of things that are well-documented and widely reviled, and the sorts of things you hear whispered among friends who know more than you do, and, of course, it's about me.

Because the problem is, even though I didn't like Gwyneth Paltrow when she was the ice queen who never made an effort to thaw out, my hatred of this new iteration makes it clear that I don't like her when she tries something new. I guess the woman can't win.

Related: Fishy's GOOP Might Be A Copycat [DListed]
Gwyneth Paltrow: The Girl Who Fell To Earth [NY Post]
Gwyneth Paltrow To Elle: I'm No Goody Two Shoes [NY Daily News]

Fonda's blog has an important thing going for it: as opposed to a Gwyneth-like exposition on her life or a Sean Penn-esque philosophical dissertation, this blog has a purpose. It's Fonda's chronicle of the lead-up to her new Broadway play, 33 Variations. Fonda takes us through the rehearsal process and the anxieties of returning to the stage after a long absence and, in short, gives us access to a world we wouldn't otherwise see and a subject that's of real interest to people.

As to the writing itself, it's quite engaging. Yes, it can veer into self-seriousness and empowerment-speak (no shocker to anyone who, um, read her recent memoir My Life So Far) but overall, Fonda comes across as appealingly open without veering into the brand of late-night overshare that's another celeb favorite. And she drops just enough names to keep us comfortably star-struck!

Made a positive discovery during the dinner break. I was able to fall asleep with Tulea on the couch in my little antechamber. I wasn't sure I'd be able to cause its real tiny, but when the lights were all off and my ear plugs were in—swish. I was out. It's a kind of Pavlovian thing that started in 1989 when I did the film "Stanley and Iris" with Robert DeNiro. I was fifty or so back then and finding that I needed a nap during the lunch break. I had never been a napper but I found that ear plugs made all the difference—signals to tune out. Even if I was only really asleep for 10 minutes, it made a real difference. My napping skills got honed during the decade with Ted who is a daily napper, then I got out of the habit because if your life isn't arranged so that regular napping is possible, you find you get wiped around nap time but have to push through. Now, with this play, I can tell that napping will be de rigueur again...I'm thinking all this isn't very interesting so I will stop for today. Tripping out about naps must be a sign.

See? Kind of endearing! There's an inherent arrogance, perhaps, to keeping such a journal and presuming anyone's interested, and it's certainly true that none of her stage nerves or anxiety's going to inspire much sympathy from anyone who's really hurting in the current economic climate. But overall? I was pleasantly surprised. I'm not saying the Jane Fonda going on the daily blogroll any time soon, but I should think it's a boon for real theatre-lovers. And it's actually a good idea: while I'm guessing not many films would stand for it, how fun would it be to be able to follow the production of more movies or shows? Anyway, Jane, welcome to the Blogosphere. And if you want to know what to avoid, may we draw your attention to a little newsletter called Goop?

My Blog [Jane Fonda]
Type On, Golden Blogger: Reading Jane Fonda's Web Journal [New York Times]

First: let it be said that since we started lampooning Ms. Paltrow's literary efforts, we've received some very nice letters from ladies who have had personal experiences with Gwynnie and have found her to be kind and generous. And we can hardly fault this week's earnest dispatch: it's downright democratic! After all, we're certainly all for book-larnin'! And we agree, The Sheltering Sky is really good, even if it didn't get recommended to us by Ethan Hawke! And it's sort of interesting that Madonna (who "rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother") liked The Time Traveler's Wife so much. And that someone named "Aunt Louise" loves Tolstoy! The list reads like a veritable "summer reading" table of paperback classics, and we like the idea of some earnest fangirl conscientiously loading up an Amazon cart with Great Books on Gwynnie's orders. Hell, we're feeling so benevolent towards the Duets doyenne that we'd like to extend our own Jezebel reading list by way of inspiration. Because that kind of low-rent self-referential narcissism, we understand! [GOOP]

Just like us plebs, Gwyneth likes to begin the new year by obsessing about what we can "improve, learn, be more disciplined about," and of course, "cut out of our diets." Last year, the svelte star had a little help getting rid of her "saddlebags and post-pregnancy Shar-Pei-like stomach" from trainer Tracy Anderson. As Anderson is currently on tour with Madonna, she has been working with Gwyneth via video chat, and one such video is posted on the latest installment. Gwyneth highly recommends Anderson's Dance Aerobics DVD for the rest of us, but it's hard to get motivated to "completely change the shape of your butt" without a personalized message from your trainer praising your "fabulous duck and polenta" and gushing, "I just dream about your cooking!" [GOOP]

At the end of her intro, Paltrow (or, an unpaid intern) writes, "You can scramble an egg, add one of the homemade sausages, stick 'em in the fresh warm biscuit and, to quote a line from the epic eighties film Sixteen Candles, 'Wha-lah, breakfast is ready!'" What an odd and completely banal quote to use from a fairly memorable movie!

Two: in the recipe for her quick biscuits, Gwynnie says, "These biscuits, made with white spelt flour and a bit of organic vegetable shortening and yogurt, are just as good (perhaps even better!) than their white flour and lard cousins." Now, I'm not saying her biscuits are bad, but let's be honest: lard makes everything taste better.

[GOOP]

• MAKE: A Mess We all love to make things. When I wake up every morning, I say to myself, "What, Hortense, are you going to make today?" And the answer is usually this: "I am going to make a mess." It is so freeing when one realizes their true powers of mess making-dom. There are so many ways a person can make a mess, really. You can start by getting out of bed and saying, "Screw you, bed. You're not getting made today...but a mess certainly is!" After that, celebrate your power by making breakfast and leaving the dishes strewn about the kitchen. Then, decide not to shower or change your clothes, and carry your mess with you throughout the day. Do not fret when your co-workers glare at you: they are just jealous! Your messy hair, general stank, and slept-in clothes are a way of saying to the world, "I have made a decision, and that decision is mess." Then celebrate once more by falling asleep on your keyboard and dreaming in a pile of your own drool. Nobody else can make that drool for you: you have to want to make it on your own.

• GO: Outside! When I am inside typing, I often think to myself, "Gee, I wish there was another option." Turns out, there is! You can go outside as well. Outside, there are trees, plants, and clouds. There are also small dogs who leave excrement on the sidewalks. Do not step in the excrement. While it's tempting to test new substances on one's shoes, please remember that not every path in life is a good path; the excrement path is one to avoid. I once stepped in excrement in seventh grade and was called "Poo Shoes" for about 3 days. As an expert on these things, I'd advise you to walk around the excrement and find yourself another way. The outside is vast; there are poop free zones for us all to enjoy.

• GET: Real While cashmere socks and $1,800 watches are tempting, they aren't exactly practical for all of us in these strange economic times. With the holiday season upon us, it's important to remember that gifts from the heart mean more than gifts from the fanciest stores in town. That being said, you only have one real rule to follow, when it comes to getting the best gifts for your friends and family: don't bake cookies unless you are good at baking cookies. We all love homemade gifts, it's true, and the good intentions behind a tin of sugar or chocolate chip lovelies is grand, indeed, but for the love of all things Christmas, if you're one of those people who doesn't know the difference between baking powder and baking soda and ends up packaging a box full of burned hockey puck-esque "treats," each year, you might want to consider saving your time and your money and just buying your friends some liquor instead. Because while burned cookies say, "I tried because I love you." A bottle of whiskey says, "I didn't try, because I love you more."

• DO: Get Creative Now that we're in a recession, I think it's important to consider cheaper methods of purchasing couture items, which is why I highly recommend treating your facial blemishes with benzoyl peroxide medication. Not only will your skin glow like fresh love on a winter's morning, but your towels, t-shirts, and perhaps even your eyebrows will be bleached to holy hell, leaving designer purple pink streaks on all of your favorite linens. It's a personal stamp that says, "I'm here, my skin is somewhat clear, and I will probably run out and buy new towels whenever someone comes to visit, so that they won't see my bleached up ones, even though they are my friends and seriously? Screw those guys if they make fun of my zit bleach towels. They can drip dry for all my beautiful clear face cares."

• BE: Yourself And by "yourself," I mean the version of yourself that I have laid out so carefully in the other segments of this newsletter. If you're doing this correctly, you should be staring at the screen with a cup of fresh chocolate milk beside you as Duran Duran's "The Reflex" plays in the background and the scents of nutmeg and popcorn waft through the air. The trapeze artist to your left should be named Allan, with two L's, and your cat should be thumbing through a macrobiotic cookbook and planning next Thursday's dinner. If one or more of these things isn't taking place, perhaps it's time for you to slow down and ask yourself, "Who am I, really? And why am I not following the goddamn newsletter rules?"

• SEE: This:
  This man, Tom Jones, is trying to tell you what "a lady" is. Don't you want to be the kind of woman that this jackass would "like to flaunt and take to dinner?" Then perhaps you should pay attention to his smooth moves and rockin tune. Also, this is one of the most unintentionally hilarious songs of all time. So give it a spin as you bleach your towels, make your messes, avoid excrement, and throw your burned cookies at annoying neighbors. Then invite your friends over and share that holiday whiskey. Together, with the help of JOOP, we're going to get through this recession, the very best ladies we can be.

• Less than six months after giving birth to daughter Honor, Jessica Alba is is pimping Campari in her skivvies. [People]
• First he loses the prestigious Sexiest Man Alive designation to Hugh Jackman, and now George Clooney is allegedly miffed because he wanted to direct Frost/Nixon but the honor went to Ron Howard. Frost/Nixon scribe Peter Morgan says, "I expect I will spend the rest of my life making amends to him - and my wife - and to everybody about my decision. Now I will never have him ringing me again, asking to do my work." [Daily Express]
• Kanye West has "taken a very public fancy" to "glamour model" Sophie Howard. Howard, 25, won Loaded's Most Beautiful Breasts poll. She does sound like a winner. [Mirror]

• Coldplay had iTunes best selling album of the year. Viva la Vida sold 500,000 copies through iTunes, keeping Gwyneth knee deep in Goop until at least 2010. [Independent]
• Speaking of Coldplay, apparently Chris Martin downs vitamins with Jameson's before going on stage. "At least a dozen pill bottles litter the floor next to Martin's yoga mat," according to Rolling Stone. What if he OD's on fish oil? Think of the children! [Rolling Stone]
• Oprah received $5 million for her South African girls school from a fervent McCain supporter, Dallas billionaire Harold Simmons. Sure, Simmons donated a lot of cash to the Swift Boat Veterans, but that doesn't mean his money can't buy books for poor kids. Fox News is painting this as hypocrisy on Oprah's part, but is it really? [Fox News]
• Remember that bar brawl that Josh Brolin and Jeffery Wright got into in July down in Louisiana? Well they're seemingly settling out of court and will likely avoid having to trek down to Shreveport to deal with it. [E! via Yahoo]
• Elvis Costello is still pissed that filmmaker Jared Hess co-opted his "Napoleon Dynamite" alter ego without attribution. "The guy just denies completely that I made the name up... but I invented it," Costello tells Spin. "Maybe somebody told him the name and he truly feels that he came about it by chance. But it's two words that you're never going to hear together." [Daily Express]
• Notorious tree hugger Daryl Hannah has joined an anti-whaling mission in Australia to "pursue Japan's Antarctic whaling fleet." Sounds swashbuckling! [Daily Mail]
• Mischa Barton's nekkid scene in Closing the Ring was named top boobie flash of the year. What an honor! [Daily Express]
• Kate Winslet is another actress who has no problem with nude scenes. "Every time I've been asked to do nudity on screen, I've always believed in the scene," sayeth Kate. "I think it's important that women on screen are portrayed as real women. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I'm comfortable with all the imperfections that I have." [People]
• John Mayer has found his inner domestic diva: he's really into baking cakes now. Does this mean he's a cake boy? [The Sun]
• A mere 3.9 million tuned in to watch Britney: On the Record, a number which falls far short of MTV's expectations. According to Perez, "Tila Tequila's season one finale of A Shot At Love scored 6 million viewers." Ouchie. [Perez]
• M.I.A. says pregnancy makes her more mellow. "When I sing, I have to be aware that someone can hear me inside…It's really strange. I definitely feel less angry." [People]
• In other pregnant lady news, hot Brit chef Jamie Oliver says his wife Jools has some bonkers cravings now that she is with bebe: "She’s basically an eating machine. Jools has gone mad on retro foods like fish paste and Marmite – stuff from her childhood. She dips bananas in Marmite! She even gets hot water bottles to chew on the rubber. It’s weird!" [Mirror]
• Patrick Swayze is striking back at tabloids reporting that he's on death's door. "It's upsetting that the shoddy and reckless reporting from these publications cast a negative shadow on the positive and good fight I'm fighting. For me, my family, and those close to me, it amounts to downright emotional cruelty. That makes me angry when hope is so precious," the Swayze says. [People]