The first time a vibrator ever met my ladybits was in high school and, rather grossly in retrospect, it belonged to my boyfriend's mom. What? We washed it off before and after. He wasn't particular skilled at my clit and neither was I, so we sort of just used it as a dildo a couple of times and then quit bothering with it. God, I hope she doesn't read this. If so... I'm sorry! I was young and foolish then! We really did wash it thoroughly!

Personally embarrassing admissions aside, my second (and non-borrowed) vibrator was a gift to me from two guy friends for my 17th birthday. The one friend bought it at Spencer's Gifts and it was 9 inches long with a light-up tip (first question I asked: "Why does it need to light up?"). For the general amusement of the party I had for said birthday, they brought along batteries. My friends ended up — and when I say my friends, I mean, literally, almost every single one of my friends — played a game of surprise hot-potato with it in which the goal was to hand it, buzzing, to someone before they realized what they were touching. It got hidden in a drawer in my bedroom for a while and brought to college with me, since I still hadn't figured out that whole clitoral-stimulation orgasm thing yet. For some reason, I started using it with my first college boyfriend, and finally figured out how to get myself off. Once I did, I was hooked, so when he went away, I kept using it. It got used with and without a succession of boyfriends over the years, but finally bit the dust my senior year in college. RIP, baby.

My second vibator I bought during graduate school, a similarly-unadorned hard plastic model in beige. Between a long-distance relationship, the end of that relationship and a second LDR, that shit buzzed its last less than a year into our relationship while I was living in New York for the summer. It had the same staying power as the guy I was seeing at the time, come to think of it. Fuck you, waste of $10.

My third toy I purchased at a sex shop off Columbus Circle in NYC. I got all fancy that time and bought a gold-colored one — but still hadn't learned my lesson buying cheap vibrators: It lasted less than 6 months, so into the trash it went. I finally decided to get a little smarter about attending to the needs to my clit after that, and bought one with attachments, which lasted me several years. I even kept it all in the box, which was adorned with pictures of a naked girl utilizing it. The first time I hired movers, I stuck the whole thing at the bottom of a box of books which, naturally ripped open. The movers carefully hid any evidence that they'd found my vibrators, and then one of them left me a note with his telephone number. I never called.

A couple years into my relationship with my fancy vibrator and accessories, I was on a business trip in New Orleans and practically squirming with horniness. I didn't mean to cheat, honestly I didn't, but all those sex shops on Bourbon Street were just calling to my clit, so I walked into one on a lunch break and bought my first penis-shaped (if still rigid plastic) vibrator. My boyfriend at the time wasn't happy about my purchase (because it was penis-shaped, I guess?), so I pretended like I didn't like it any better than my old toy and kept it hidden away when he was around. But, once he was gone, so was the old (and faltering) vibrator, attachments and all.

To my great surprise, that spur-of-the-moment New Orleans purchase is still with me, 5 years later. I might have spent more on batteries than I ever would've on a Magic Wand, but I don't care. I know my vibrator is getting older and it's not quite getting the same RPMs as it used to and goes through batteries quicker than I remember (of course, that might just be me using it more often than I used to), but I already rue the day when I have to hide it in with a bunch of other trash no one will bother picking through and go to a sex shop and buy a replacement. Maybe after that I'll suck it up and do the environmentally conscious thing and buy a plug-in model, but something about fucking myself with anything that has a cord hanging off of it might be a little too scary and/or tampon-like for me.

Earlier: Sci-Fi For Women: Marrying Your Vibrator
How Do You Dispose Of Broken Vibrators?

1.) Electric Toothbrush The first time I ever turned on my electric toothbrush I had an almost Pavlovian response to that familiar buzzing sound, and my vagina began to drool, but I'd never bothered to try it out... until the other day. I removed the bristle head, and placed the vibrating metal stem onto my outer lips (I was too scared to put it right on my clit, since it looked like it could be a little sharp). The problem with this is that without the head on the toothbrush, the stem is way too thin to really do anything substantial. Of course, some sex toy shops sell attachments designed specifically for such an occasion, but not all of us have the foresight to do something like that. Necessity is the mother of invention, so I grabbed some toilet paper and rapped it around the stem to form sufficient padding, and that did the trick. Sure it didn't hold a candle to my Magic Wand, but it lit me up anyway.

2.) Cell Phone Okay, so I've actually tried using my phone on vibrate to get off many a (drunken) time before, but it was always an exercise in futility. However, for those of you who have an iPhone, you may have heard about iBrate, an application you can download that can actually turn your iPhone into a vibrator. It's still sort of a lame substitute, since the vibe is a little to soft and steady for my liking (i can haz pulsing, pleeeze?), but at least it can get you to a certain level of excitement and then your hands and arms can come in and finish you off.

3.) Neutrogena Wave When I first saw the commercial for the Neutrogena Wave — a "power cleanser" for your face — I was like, "That's a straight-up vibrator." Unfortunately, I didn't have one of these bad boys while on vacation, but I obtained one since, and have been testing it out today, and dude, it's a straight-up vibrator. It's just as good as any silver bullet vibe, but it's quieter. Also, on the box, it says "penetrates deeper." Heh heh.

4.) Bath Tub Faucet Everyone is always going on about detatchable shower heads, and they're great and all, but they're the sort of luxury item for people who frequent Brookstone or Restoration Hardware. I'm all about the bathtub faucet, because it has a powerful gush of water, and the crappier your apartment, the more unsteady (thus exciting!), the flow can be. I actually picked this up at a really young age because I heard it being talked about on Married With Children.

5.) Washing Machine It's a little clichéd, but honestly, an unbalanced washing machine on the spin cycle is just about the best ride you can take on a hunk of metal that doesn't have wheels. If you really want it to be fun, throw some sneakers in there, or place a large load of heavy towels or maybe some pillows in, but only on one side.

This is the Taffy Tickler, a silicone vibe/dildo with a G-spot stimulator, which retails for $27.99. Doesn't it look like a Yayoi Kusama sculpture?

PriveCo's 2007 Vibrator of The Year Award [AVN]