• John McCain has decided that since everyone is annoyed at him for lying and being a dick when he's called out on it, he's going to say Obama is lying and being a dick when he's called out on it. That's still lying, John, you're missing the point here. [Gawker]
• He was then promptly called out for lying again, not that he cares. [Swampland]
• And for being all for anti-abortion terrorists and their rights to harass and commit acts of violence against women and reproductive health care providers. Even better? Nancy PfotenhauerPfuckingsucks set him up for it by mistake. [Think Progress]
• He's probably still wondering why Obama is ahead in the national polls, though. [CNN]

• The Dow, unlike Obama's poll numbers, continues to shrink. [Washington Post]
• Katie Couric is annoyed that Sarah Palin is blaming her poor interview on editing. [Politico]
• Lieberman thinks God will propel Sarah Palin to the Presidency. Unfortunately, neither God nor Jesus is an American, so they can't vote. [TNR]
• Last call for voter registration in many states, so check yours here and fucking do it already if you haven't. [Vote411]
• Michelle Bruce, whose second race for City Council was undermined by her opponents' attempts to force her to expose the status of her bits, finally won her lawsuit that she didn't mislead voters by identifying as Michelle. [Wonkette, Brattleboro Reformer]

MEGAN: Good morning, and thanks for waking up on a holiday-for-normal-people to do this...

KAY: Not a problem. I got in late last night, but oh man, so much to talk about this morning: Sarah Palin probably wasn't properly vetted, another hurricane is going to slam New Orleans (probably), and the Republicans went ahead and canceled the Bush/Cheny duo at the convention today because of it.

MEGAN: I have to say, I do find it ever-so-slightly ironic that a hurricane is fucking up the Republican convention in Minnesota, in no small part after that right-wing pastor for Focus on the Family called for torrential, once-in-a-lifetime rain to fuck up Obama's speech and prove who the God candidate really was. Guess we know who God is rooting for, after all, going and reminding everyone how Bush and Cheney fucked up in NOLA...

KAY: Oh yeah, careful though, this guy had to apologize for joking that God was on the Democrats' side.

MEGAN: As far as I'm concerned, they started it. Also, I don't actually believe that God probably gives a shit.

KAY: But this whole thing reminds me of the guy in your office, you know, the slacker who comes in late and doesn't do his job, but then when evaluations roll around suddenly he's on time and makes a big show of getting his stuff done early.

MEGAN: Like, if S/He did, S/He wouldn't punish the Gulf Coast for it, right? We are living in the post-Genesis world.

KAY: Wait, we are? Shit, I was scheduled to sacrifice a goat for having my period later ...

MEGAN: I mean, when was the last time you heard Phil Collins?

KAY: Possibly in the elevator.

MEGAN: Anyway, I also love how McCain is all, "this is no time to play politics!" but already did a campaign stop there. Oh, wait, "assessment tour."

KAY: Right, and his new VP pick has such an awesome record on the environment. Know what will fix this problem? More drilling in Alaska!

MEGAN: Wait! John McCain told me that drilling here and drilling now will fix everything! How dare you suggest it won't!

KAY: Totally. And she thinks the "jury's still out" on global warming. Tell that to Gustav.

MEGAN: Well, like, the jury is still out. Civilization as we know it hasn't ended due to catastrophic environmental degradation, making it look like something out of Mad Max or Tank Girl or Waterworld or The Postman. And perhaps if Hollywood keeps Kevin Costner from ever starring in a scifi movie again, it never will.

KAY: That's one of the many things we need to do to protect America.

MEGAN: The other thing I wanted to touch on was Carly Fiorina's statement that women are smarter than to vote on choice.

The Democratic party has done a disservice to women by trying to hold women hostage to the issue of Roe v. Wade. The truth is the most important issue to women, all the polls say this, is the economy. Women are not single issue voters.

Because this is something I feel marginally guilty about. I don't want to be a single-issue voter, but when the issue is control over my body, I'm afraid my uterus beats out my brain, like usual. So, really, it's the Republican Party that is holding me hostage with it's no-abortion-not-ever-you-dirty-slut platform.

KAY: So true. I mean, it's a good thing we have Carly Fiorina to remind us of that.

MEGAN: I'm glad she has such obvious faith in my reasoning and intellect.

KAY: Of course, women simply can't be trusted to make rational decisions. The Republicans obviously thought they'd trick women by picking a woman as VP nominee. That way our little lady brains would make us think she's the same as Hillary Clinton. And, you know, we always vote with our vaginas.

MEGAN: I mean, I don't want to deny here that I make bad choices with my vagina. My vagina has made several poor decisions in my lifetime. But one thing it is pretty darn good at is distinguishing between people. And so my vagina knows that Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, and my brain knows that even better.

KAY: Right? Well, here's hoping that this poll is right and women will remain skeptical and not be deceived by her "hockey mom" status and accent (which I personally find adorable and you'll probably hear in St. Paul this week).

MEGAN: I like accents! I find it strange when people ask about mine because it's such a strange mish-mash of all the places I've lived — I'll bet you've heard me break out a "wicked" or two when I've been drinking. But we definitely shouldn't dismiss the idea that people will vote for McCain because he brought her on the ticket. Obama needs to make a compelling case that voting for a woman like Sarah Palin, given her politics, is not a vote for women like Hillary Clinton's young mother in Ohio (or was it Iowa?) dying in childbirth because she didn't have insurance. Points like that need to be hammered home again and again. Plus, more pictures of polar bears. Obama should've totally visited Knut when he was in Berlin.

KAY: Everybody loves polar bears!

MEGAN: Except, apparently, Sarah Palin, oil companies and Stephen Colbert.

KAY: Right, well, at least Stephen Colbert's excuse is that he loves nothing more than himself. What's Sarah Palin's excuse? (Man, we love to hate Sarah Palin today.)

MEGAN: I believe that would be the Alaskan Permanent Fund. You know, the checks every Alaskan resident receives from the Alaskan government for allowing the oil companies to drill here, drill now?

KAY: Someone should really make a youtube video staring Palin with "drill here, drill now, everywhere you gotta drill ..." Maybe Will.i.am will go negative.

MEGAN: I'm recommending Fatboy Slim's Right Here, Right Now.

KAY: Get to work, Internet minions!

Even the most open-minded person can see some other culture's ritual and think to herself, "Well that is just weird. And creepy. And weird." Which is how you may feel if you read the story in the New York Times about purity balls. And yes, there is a freakshow slideshow. Here's the gist of it: Grade school- to college-aged girls get all dolled up and attend this dance with their fathers, step-fathers of fathers-in-law. They talk, they eat, and then the men read a covenant "before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity." Randy Wilson organizes this Colorado Springs event. He tells the men: "Fathers, our daughters are waiting for us. They are desperately waiting for us in a culture that lures them into the murky waters of exploitation. They need to be rescued by you, their dad." God (heh) knows we're living in a "hookup culture," as the paper puts it. But why do little girls need to be rescued? Why are there no mothers or sons involved?

And pray tell, what does "purity" really mean, anyway? Apparently no one ever says the word "abstinence" at any of these events. But when the girls pray, they say some kind of vow. In her private moment with God, sixteen-year-old Katie Swindler says, "I promise to God and myself and my family that I will stay pure in my thoughts and actions until I marry," according to the Times. What if she has a thought that is purely sexual? What if she purely wants to make out? What if she likes a guy and wants him purely as a fuck buddy? Are these thoughts unpure?

Says one 54-year-old father, Terry Lee: "[The ball] inspires me to be spiritual and moral in turn. If I’m holding them to such high standards, you can be sure I won’t be cheating on their mother." Hmm, so is it for your daughter or for you? Who's the one having "hookup culture" thoughts?

But the girls do get something out of it. "Something I need from dad is affirmation, being told I’m beautiful," says Jordyn Wilson, 19. "If we don’t get it from home, we will go out to the culture and get it from them." And so this is why the fathers pray with their daughters, walk under an arch of swords, and then watch as the girls place a white rose at the foot of a giant cross.

There are many awful things about the concept of purity balls, but here's the worst one: The idea that a little girl is a delicate flower who needs protecting from the big bad world. A girl is a flesh and blood human being, and humans learn by experimentation. Trial and error. You learn to ride a bike by falling and skinning your knee a few times. By knowing that if you get seriously hurt, you can turn to a parent for help. You learn what you want in a relationship by having a couple of shitty boyfriends (and a couple of awesome ones.) You learn how far you want to go, how far you are ready to go — physically, sexually, in a relationship, by trying a little bit at a time (first base, second base, etc). Teenagers have raging hormones that all but prevent "pure" thoughts. If you make a vow to God with your dad that you won't have "unpure" thoughts, aren't you setting yourself up for failure? Won't you be scared to tell your dad if you have any "unpure" thoughts? Or "unpure" actions? Aren't you automatically creating a rift? And what about your mom? Why no vow with her? Because women are weak and delicate, mere prey and playthings for men? Creating an environment in which females are helpless things in need of protection and "rescue" from men is inherently dangerous; what a a girl needs to know in this "hookup culture" is that she can fend for herself. Isn't a girl who has "unpure" thoughts but parents she can talk to — who aren't expecting her to be a white rose but an actual human — more likely to have the confidence, self-worth and wherewithal to only go as far as she's ready to?

(Don't even get me started on the focus of girls as the keepers of some kind of fetish-y object, the so-called holy state of virginity. As though safe sex would somehow ruin them. And again, why are there no boys involved? Are young men mindlessly running rampant through the Evangelical community, penises erect, so that the fathers must shield their daughters from them? And is a man's virginity not a white flower?)

Unfortunately, as the Times reminds us:

"Most teenagers who say they will remain abstinent, like those at the ball, end up having sex before marriage, and they are far less likely to use condoms than their peers."

Dancing the Night Away, With a Higher Purpose, A Purity Ball (slideshow) [NY Times]

Earlier: How Exactly, Is Virginity A Concept?

MEGAN: So, here we are again, Crappy-ing without Moe who is on vacation because you and me are suckers, possibly. I've heard vacations are nice, though. Through the grapevine.
SPENCER: speaking of vacations, i need to put out an open call to the Jezebels who live in Austin
on Saturday 5/17 i'll be there to see the reunion show of classic 90s Chicago punk band Los Crudos
and i have nowhere to stay and no one to hang out with now that my travel partner has abandoned me for such frivolities as "finding a place to live"
so if any of you guys live in austin and can put up with a respectful houseguest for like a day, holler at sackerman-at-washingtonindependent-dot-com
ok what is in the news
MEGAN: Oh, that sucks about having nowhere to stay! I'd offer up someone but the only person I for sure know in Texas is in Dallas and it's this douchebag lobbyist I used to date and I wouldn't subject anyone to his company. And if you were a girl, he'd mack on you something awful.
SPENCER: so, HRC not dropping out despite our awesome reconciliation-filled comment thread yesterday?
MEGAN: Nope, not in the slightest. She's in it to win it, even if she cannot, mathematically speaking, win it. I am counting down the minutes until she mentions again that "pledged" delegates are not actually obligated to vote for whom they were elected to vote for...
SPENCER: this baffles me
how the press treats her candidacy like it's still viable, even as they're pointing that out
MEGAN: Well, she is a candidate. And she could win if she did manage to convince like 80% of the supers to support her and continued to get at least decent margins in the primaries. It's just unlikely to happen.
Very, very, very unlikely.
SPENCER: i was watching the detroit-orlando last night and was thinking about what would happen if sportscasters started saying things like, "orlando is up by over 20 with 30 seconds left in the fourth, but detroit could still pull it out in the unlikely event of overtime"
MEGAN: Actually, that might make it worth it to me to watch a basketball game. I fucking hate sports commentary, but if it was actually Dadaist in its absurdity...
SPENCER: ok and so not to pick on HRC, because yesterday's CH comments were a beautiful miracle, but the longer this goes on the more it makes her say things like this:

"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on," she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me."

a strong prima facie case can be made that Ajmi didn't "return" to the battlefield. The experience of being hooded and goggled and flown half a world away in the belly of a C-130; of being caged under the hot sun in the chain-link-and-wood sarcophagus of Camp X-Ray and then the panopticon of Camp Delta — and I have seen it with my own eyes; of being always at the mercy of the Quick Reaction Force and the Joint Detentions Operations Group and the interrogators; and never having a clear and open and fair path to argue for your freedom for years — that is the sort of thing that makes a man plot revenge. To deny that is to deny human nature.

I'm not saying Ajmi was an innocent. I'm not saying Guantanamo gave him a license to murder. And I'm certainly not saying that his victims deserved to die because he spent three years in Guantanamo.

What I'm saying is that a completely forseeable consequence of Guantanamo Bay is the creation of terrorists.

Related: Grace, Eventually: Thoughts On Faith [Amazon]

Is it all just the selfish pursuit of recycling our genes and keeping the Human Race from going extinct? Readers, I pondered all this and the ethics of throwing a fat man in front of a trolley to save five thin workers — most people wouldn't do it, apparently for biologically-ingrained moral reasons —over the weekend, when I ventured deep into the 90 zillion word philosophical abyss that was the cover story of the New York Times Magazine. I did it so you wouldn't have to, and I probably should have just gotten drunk because all I got for ya:

Far from debunking morality, then, the science of the moral sense can advance it, by allowing us to see through the illusions that evolution and culture have saddled us with and to focus on goals we can share and defend. As Anton Chekhov wrote, "Man will become better when you show him what he is like."

The Moral Instinct [NY Times]