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Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
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SomeAuthorGirl
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
Nice, Diane Sawyer. Way to take a teachable moment and shit on it.

Because it's not that bad I guess if you don't get hit in the face. #rihannaeffect
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whynotshesaid
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
I heard a clip of Rihanna describing the abuse she experienced in Chris Brown's car that night as I was driving to work, and I lost my shit in the car. Then again at work in the bathroom. I felt like the biggest loser, all slumped over sobbing silently in the stall. That was some fucking triggering shit she was talking about, but you know what? I'm glad she talked about it, because she spoke TRUTH. I am so close-lipped in my real life about what happened to be, because I am so deeply ashamed of it, because I feel like I will be judged over and over again and found wanting in every way, and so for her to talk so honestly about what she went through means the fucking world to me. It's worth a few ill-timed crying jags in the bathroom, you know?

I am shocked by how much her honesty and openness has meant to me, as I am not a celebrity worshipper at all. It's a strange feeling, and I am not really sure what to make of it. #rihannaeffect
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mikaelamac
11/09/09

@whynotshesaid: Can't watch it without tearing up. Usually when people go public with these matters, it's in the past & they can have a certain detachment from it. She's still in the middle of all of this & the pain is totally palpable.
I haven't been abused by a bf, but had a one time incident with my dad as my parents were getting divorced where he picked me up, slammed me against a wall & was choking me... at 13 yrs old, 100 lbs vs. 250.
I know it's not the same as being abused by a bf, but being hurt by someone you love - whom ever that may be is heartbreaking. You are supposed to be able to trust those you love & the realization that you can't - it's not healthy - is devastating... you can just see it in her. #rihannaeffect
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Armed with Vitriol
11/09/09

@mikaelamac: I can relate to this too. I had a similar experience with my dad. My dad was an awesome, loving father throughout my childhood and never abused me. Then, when I was 21, we got into a heated argument and he threw me down on the floor and wouldn't stop hitting me in the side of the head. He wasn't punching me, just hitting me with the palm of his hand. What he didn't realize is that the other side of my face was hitting the floor everytime he smacked me so I ended up going to the hospital with a black eye. Needless to say, it took over a year to forgive my dad for having to go through that ordeal even though he was extremely sorry and ashamed of what he did. He still tells me that it was the worst moment in his life, and I know it still weighs on him, even three years later. #rihannaeffect
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curiousgeorgiana promoted this comment Edited by Armed with Vitriol at 11/09/09 3:53 PM Armed with Vitriol was starred

curiousgeorgiana
11/09/09

@whynotshesaid: I feel the same way. I've cried every time I listened to her. It's a nice release in a way, to hear someone be so honest about the abuse she suffered. I'm not glad it happened to her, but I'm glad she's talking about it. I know it's helping me-- I imagine it's helping others. #rihannaeffect
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whynotshesaid
11/09/09

@mikaelamac: Oh god, that is so scary. You poor thing. #rihannaeffect
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EkaterinaBallerina
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
Glad to hear that it's having a positive impact. I was all ragey last week when reading that Chris Brown thought it should have been "private" between them.

Okay Chris, a) it never was private. Not only are the two of you famous, but I'm sure the entire LAPD, not to mention anyone at the hospital, knew what happened. She had to give her statement to numerous people, as did you I imagine. So on the surface, in the most basic definition, it never was private. Beyond that, b) you want us to believe that you've matured, learned your lesson? Own the fuck up to what you did. Don't hide it, don't try to make it go away. Flippant apologies don't work. Admit what you did. Hiding it only adds to the stigma, making it worse. Isn't one of the steps to recovery atonement?

It's amazing how one simple statement could ignite so much anger in me. #rihannaeffect
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BeckySharper
11/09/09

@EkaterinaBallerina: For real.

Note to Chris Brown: When you assault someone, the police get involved and it becomes a public matter. Breaking the law sucks like that.

One way to avoid it: don't assault anyone. #rihannaeffect
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Experiment626
11/09/09

@EkaterinaBallerina: Of course he'd want it to be private. He beat up a woman quite viciously and he's worried about his career.

I completely understand your anger and I'm continuously amazed at how nonchalant he insists on being with half-assed apologies and excuses. #rihannaeffect
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yvanehtnioj
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
This is really amazing. The numbers of calls to helplines going up so drastically just warms my cold little heart. We've been saying that she could help people, but I didn't expect that much, that immediate of an impact. Wow.

I'm not satisfied with Diane saying "the night Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend", that completely minimizes what she went through. #rihannaeffect
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BeckySharper
11/09/09

@yvanehtnioj: I agree. Diane herself read the police report aloud during the interview, so she knows that the attack was much more brutal than just being hit.

Also, I think grammar counts here...I hate the use of passive voice when talking about domestic violence.

"Chris Brown attacked Rihanna" is more accurate, both grammatically and truthfully than "Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend." #rihannaeffect
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yvanehtnioj
11/09/09

@BeckySharper: She added to my aggravation at the end with her big "This was the only time he hit her hard enough to bruise" disclaimer while miming being punched in the face. If I may, Ms. Sawyer, a few thoughts:

1. The statement the survivor made was specifically about abuse leading up to physical, Diane. You can be abused before being battered.
2. What the hell is up with punching in the face as the standard for abuse? Well he shoved her into a wall, but it's not like he punched her in the face! This is an arbitrary and quite shockingly high standard for violence; it's unhelpful; it's apologist; stop it.
3. Quit mealymouthing. Seriously. Chris Brown does not need another defender minimizing his actions in the media, he's doing that all by himself.

xoxo, yvanehtnioj #rihannaeffect
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InCahoots
11/09/09

@yvanehtnioj: Not to mention that it doesn't matter if this is the only time he left a bruise. So physical evidence is the only thing that makes someone's abuse worth discussing? #rihannaeffect
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curiousgeorgiana
11/09/09

@InCahoots: Seriously. My ex got really good at hitting where it didn't show. #rihannaeffect
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Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
Too often, domestic abuse is treated as a private matter, especially by people who think once a man has married a woman he owns her (that may sound extreme, but then marital rape only became illegal in many states in the 1990s). #rihannaeffect
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/09/09

@Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!: Unfortunately enough to make me spit sometimes, people still think that, marital rape statute or no marital rape statute. #rihannaeffect
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toadaleh
11/09/09

In reply to Domestic Violence Survivors Speak Out On "The Rihanna Effect"
I'm really pleased that she did speak out, and I think it's interesting that Chris Brown has said that it should be 'private'. A friend of mine was beaten by her then partner, and they were supposed to go to a party a couple of days later. He was trying to persuade her not to go, but she insisted that she was fine, and when they got there and people said 'what happened to you', she said, 'oh, ***** hit me'. She then kicked him to the kerb, there was no way she was going to let him normalise this.
So many women I know say 'I would never let a man hit me, I'd get out first', and I always think, 'I don't know, I've never been in that situation', and I'm not about to make the assumption that it would never happen to me. Too many of my smart, strong friends have been hit, I don't think that any of us are immune. #rihannaeffect
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Working-for-the-weekend
11/09/09

@toadaleh: I never would say "I won't LET someone hit me." It's not like women let this happen, it just does. But I do say that I wouldn't let it happen twice. #rihannaeffect
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thebigm42
11/09/09

@Working-for-the-weekend: On another thread someone (I forget who) said that if you can say with complete certainty that you would break up with your partner after they cheated on/hit you, you've never been cheated on/hit. I think it's much the same as what @toadaleh said above. You've never been in that situation, and you really don't know if you'd have the clarity to be able to make that decision.

While I applaud the distinction you make that you don't "let" it happen. But isn't your next sentence just a continuation of causing the victim to be ashamed of her situation? (I'm really asking this, not saying it to be snarky!) What do you think? #rihannaeffect
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bess marvin, girl detective
11/09/09

@Working-for-the-weekend: this. #rihannaeffect
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Working-for-the-weekend
11/09/09

@thebigm42: I didn't think about it this way, but I certainly don't mean for it to sound like that. I think I see it a little differently since my mom was in an abusive relationship so I developed a resolve from being in that situation. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but in my brain I just made that decision after seeing the actual dynamics of an abusive relationship. #rihannaeffect
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yvanehtnioj
11/09/09

@thebigm42: I don't think it's helpful to frame women who have strong boundaries as snobs or unsupportive or judgmental. You can understand the factors that make a woman go back to an abuser, feel sympathy for that woman, refuse to blame her for continued abuse, and support her even if you think that you wouldn't do the same thing.

Women are different. I can know that I would leave without shaming women that are continual abuse victims. It's a function of different personalities, support systems, awareness, etc. #rihannaeffect
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Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
11/09/09

@Working-for-the-weekend: I see what you're saying and have probably said the same thing before, but I've also heard the same thing from women who have been in abusive relationships. Theirs were 'different,' somehow. Like scary alleyway rapists, abusers are supposed to be kicking puppies and yelling at their girlfriends in public, instead of being sweet and manipulative as they convince their girlfriends that they're 'making' them hit them (and that they would never, ever do it again).

99 percent of me thinks I'd never end up in an abusive relationship because no abuser would ever consider me an easy target. But I've seen enough smart, strong women get beaten down emotionally and physically, 1 percent of me knows it can't be that easy.
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Edited by Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! at 11/09/09 3:20 PM Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred

InCahoots
11/09/09

@Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!: Right. The key is that the relationship doesn't start with abuse. If it did, many MANY women would not stand for it. You hit a girl on the first date, you don't get a second one.

Abuse tends to start much later in the relationship, or after marriage. As much as people say it would never happen to them, or never happen to them twice, the stakes are usually high when it starts. #rihannaeffect
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curiousgeorgiana
11/09/09

@InCahoots: Yes. Most are charmers and they make you fall in love with them. Makes it much harder to leave. #rihannaeffect
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sanssoucis321
11/09/09

@Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!: I agree completely. It's really hard to just make policies about what you will and won't accept outside of the context of a specific relationship. Every person is different, and every relationship is different.

It's really, really easy to think "Oh, that would never happen to me, the signs are so obvious, how could she let it get that bad?" And reading this thread and watching the clip just made me start crying at my kitchen table. The thing is, I am one of those smart, strong women that ended up in an abusive relationship. It's not like he whacks you upside the head one time and then your best friends have some dramatic intervention and help you gather up your stuff and the group of you drive off into the sunset and out of his life forever, and you are suddenly free, with no lasting effects, and no fear. You wake up one morning and realize that you have no idea who you are and that you have no control over your own body and your own life. My ex never explicitly hit me - his abuse took the form of systematic date rape because my sex drive wasn't high enough to "meet his needs", but still. I'm not an idiot, and I'm not a weak-willed person, but love and relationships are weird. I thought he loved me, and I thought that I loved him, and that would somehow just make it all okay, until this one day when he looked me in the eye and told me that no one would ever care about me as much as he did, and that he didn't want me spending time with my guy friends any more. It was so textbook and so ridiculous that I knew I had to get out of there. And it hasn't just gone away, and I'm still not completely okay.

Sorry to just vomit this out, but I think this is a cathartic experience for a lot of women, and I think that it's really important that we tell our stories. #rihannaeffect
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boxingoctopus should be dissertating
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Maybe it's just the conspiracy theorist in me, but I smell an eleventh-hour reconciliation between Jon & Kate that will kill the divorce and revive the show. The fact that Boteach used to have a show on TLC lends this whole debacle a whiff of careful orchestration. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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J.D.Regent promoted this comment

Rooo sez BISH PLZ
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Oh, lor. I'd been wondering what on earth Rabbi Boteach, who from what I'd read always seemed at least a little cool, was doing assuming the role of Gosselin's spiritual advisor, of all "clients".

Now I understand. The poor Rabbi was feeling underexposed.
He'd lost his media spotlight, vile as he paints it. And he was jonesing to get it back. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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heymissmegs
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Wonder if this rabbi is also responsible for Jon's justification of why he was acting out:

"As an explanation for what caused him to act the way he did, Jon said, 'It’s hard for a man to stay home for two years and change diapers and make meals and deal with doctor’s appointments and all the stuff that you expect your wife to do.'"

From this article: [www.msnbc.msn.com]

Awww, his poor manhood. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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Newsgirl
11/02/09

@heymissmegs: No one should expect him, as a father, to actually be a father to his children, that's stepping on his man time. He needs that time to wear Ed Hardy shirts and buy Gucci loafers.

And besides, we all know women really like to change diapers and wipe up snot and cook. It's just the way it is, evolution and biology and stuff. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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Dances with Peeps
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Rabbi Boteach is a nice, well-meaning man, but he is Orthodox, and he believes in a very patriarchal system. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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J.D.Regent promoted this comment Dances with Peeps was starred

J.D.Regent
11/02/09

@Dances with Peeps: how does his Orthodoxy inform his sycophantic/parasitic relationship with Christian celebrities? #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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alexburrito
11/02/09

@J.D.Regent: Huzzah!!! #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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Sputnik_Sweetheart
11/02/09

@Dances with Peeps: But I also know Orthodox rabbis that are still progressive, respectful of women, and advise taking responsibility for your actions.

Although to be fair, I do live in Boston and I sometimes think the powers that be check your Progressive Club membership card before they allow you in. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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deeemer
11/02/09

@J.D.Regent: Thank you. Let's not blame an individual's actions on an entire group of people. Sheesh. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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lovecake
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Aw, isn't this sweet? Grown men still not taking responsibility of their own actions. Bless thei souls. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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Tippi Hedren promoted this comment lovecake was starred lovecake was unstarred

Tippi Hedren
11/02/09

@lovecake: Oh, you didn't know? Boys will be boys! #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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pantsless economist...access RESTORED
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Well, he might have a point. I think Jon likes the attention, and the media keeps on giving it to him... #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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pantsless economist...access RESTORED
11/02/09

@pantsless economist...access RESTORED: This is not to say that the media is responsible for Jon being an a-hole but they've done plenty to incentivize it. #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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SWGM
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
That's right! Nothing Jon Gosselin does or says is Jon Gosselin's fault. It's always Kate, or the media, or Michael Lohan, or... #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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DutchessOfDork
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Right.
The media took Jon's mouth and made it say awful things to his young girlfriend.

This Rabbi is the FoxNews of all Rabbis.
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Edited by DutchessOfDork at 11/02/09 1:50 PM DutchessOfDork was starred DutchessOfDork was unstarred

MartaD
11/02/09

In reply to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Blames Media For Jon Gosselin's Behavior
Run! It's the media!! -- Chris Rock #rabbishmuleyjongosselin
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