My vulva oiled and massaged to keep my hips open and my vagina fluid, I was orgasmic at the end. Petit Pierre practically slid into the world at the height of my amazement, smiling serenely even before he opened his eyes.

"I feel the baby come down. The sensation is ecstatic. I had prepared somewhat for this being as painful as my last delivery had been. Yet this time the pulse of birth feels wonderful! I am building up to the birth climax after nine months of pleasurable foreplay. With one push the babe is in the canal. THE NEXT PUSH BRINGS HIM DOWN, DOWN INTO THAT SPACE JUST BEFORE ORGASM WHEN WE WOMEN KNOW HOW GOD MUST HAVE FELT CREATING THIS PLANET....HE COMES, AS DO I."

My mom just came in the kitchen.

Me: "I knew you could get an orgasm from being raped, but did you know you could get one from childbirth?"

Mom: "Yeah, I actually had heard of that." Pause. "I find it really difficult to believe."

Just check out the testimonials!

Orgasmic Childbirth [Unassisted Childbirth]

Only two men on our buddy list refused to orally probe their girlfriend's semen-tinged tongues. One of them, a man you might remember from our last focus group who has impregnated five girls, said he was "absolutely" too manly to be made to taste his supersperm, while another, the taste of whose cum we're pretty sure would be overpowered by the taste of his ball cheese, ventured a slightly less assured "I'm pretty sure that would be gay." Most guys, however, swallowed their cum (and pride) out of a sense of indebtedness. As a female friend pointed out, "You can tell everyone sort of braces a bit."

Except if they had, like, mentally blocked the notion of drinking their own jizz. "File this under TMI," she continued. (Just this once!) "But the other day after sex matt is wiping himself off a bit with a towel and then uses the towel to wipe his sweaty face and then exclaims — like did he just realize what he was doing? — 'Ew! i hope i don't get cum in my mouth!' And I said to him, what do you think I get in my mouth every time I blow you ? You can tell he had seriously never really thought about this!" Wow, is he brain dead? Moving on, we approached a young stud we know. "Girls suck my cock all the time so i've had a lot of practice thinking about this." Good to know! And his verdict? "Depends if she swallows." You're allowed to not swallow? "Because if she's swallowed, well she fucking just drank my cum. I think i can deal with kissing her." That's gratitude!

A certain Midwestern friend of ours said he frenched jizz-tongue not out of gratitude, but because he'd consumed an ejaculation's worth of semen himself and knew it was the only manly thing to do. Um, a whole load? Then he set the scene: "Fooling around with a new girlfriend, didn't have a condom, did everything but... ends with a post-BJ hand job." Wow, it's getting warm in here! "So I'm enjoying life, mouth agape. Pop - shots land in my mouth. I think - holy shit, there's a load in my mouth. Then I think, 'only a pussy would spit,' so.. chug-a-lug pooh-bear!" Um!

"And it was sooo not horrible," he recalled. "I've definitely had worse lugies."

Women were not so much in agreement. When a dudefriend of ours casually mentioned his ladyfriend is "usually rinsed out by that point," we had to ask said ladyfriend whether her sink was, like, next to the bed or something. "I always have a champagne or wine 'chaser' next to the bed," she explained. "Like I won't even do it without my chaser. And usually I'll do some little flair when I take a sip, like, 'Magnifique!' or something.

"I take," she concluded, "great pride in my work." And so do we. Gentlemen, drink your cum. We practically got strep getting it out of you.

Oh, and by the way commenters: you know how they tell you in Sex Ed to use a condom during a blowjob? THAT'S FOR PROSTITUTES.

A little background: for a religion that assumes you're not having sex till marriage and not having an abortion because it's murder, the Catholic church does spend an awful long time teaching its pupils how many ways you can avoid getting pregnant without a trip to the CVS. For instance, there is the "rhythm method", whereby you figure out the days on which you can't get pregnant on the basis of your menstrual cycle, which was always too much work for us though we do occasionally abide by the rule of thumb that says the three days after our period are EXTRA safe. And then there's withdrawal, which is discussed less but always seemed safer according to the "efficacy studies" printed on the manuals to the birth control pills we went on this one time we had insurance. Efficacy studies say that withdrawal, when done correctly, is almost as effective as condoms in the zygote avoidance category. So what's the problem? Well, it starts with the "correctly" part...As a certain ex used to whine: "It's like landing a plane." Awww.

"Yeah I dunno man. from what i understand, pulling out is probably the least effective form of contraception," said a friend's boyfriend. "Aside from 'abstinence.'" Heh! "Well, it's better than condoms," said a former, er, partner from so long ago we probably didn't have any STDs to pass to each other. But another said he considered it more of a "courtesy" than a method of contraception: 'because we all know shit's been leaking for a while before i pop. that's why i do the chivalrous move of handing the tube sock or shammy to my special lady — don't get up, I'll take care of this mess." Similar courtesies were extended by another guy friend of ours who enjoys the withdrawal method: " Depends. First time? Sure. But I don't skeet on her body/face or anything. I be polite and shoot it on the wall or pillowcase or something. No jizz-bombing until the second hump. Just a personal rule." Charming! Now we understand how this lothario has managed to get FIVE girls pregnant. While on the pill!

Pillhead, a girl, said she'd never ever used the method in her life but that the whole question "turned me on a little bit." (Um, yeah.) "Pulling out is for poor people," said a college student we know who furnished a demographic study to support her view. (Poor people like us!) Apparently in college, condoms are in heavy usage with "Plan B" the go-to plan B. "I love love love LOVE the feeling of having a dude come inside me," said a studious pill-taker who is, um, a little hormonal right now. To which we said, "Is it worth the feeling of a dude's cum inside you?" "Actually," she replied, "my friend has the WORST story about that. Her bf dumped her right after sex, 4 months into the relationship. She remembers walking down the street sobbing, walking away from his apt, and then feeling, you know. That PLOP."

Grody!

But what about all those studies attesting to the lack of viable semen in the Cowper's cocktail? "Maybe I've just been BRAINWASHED by the safe sex lobby," conceded the former FB. A nonslut was not convinced: "Okay well Wikipedia also said, for a long time, that on Laguna Beach, Jason and Tyler were hooking up and Kyndra was okay with it." Good point! We're sticking with condoms. Unless, you know, it's the day after our period.

Coitus Interruptus [Wikipedia]