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New York, 1:49 AM
Sun Nov 8
20 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/06/09
I'm in a relationship with my wonderful boyfriend and his almost-five-year-old daughter, who was 2 when we started dating. My relationship with her is easy and uncomplicated, since as "Daddy's Friend" I don't view myself as an authority figure - and he steps in if she's being obnoxious to me or anyone else. However, I often wonder how it would change if we got married or moved in together and I was there all the time - how much say I would have over things in my own home, and how much interaction I would have to have with his ex-wife (they have 50/50 custody)?
My greatest fear is ending up in just the kind of disenfranchised position you describe in this post - living with a child whose upbringing I have little say in, being subject to the whims of a first wife in scheduling day-to-day activities, and stuffing it all inside because adults aren't supposed to make themselves a higher priority over children - experiencing all the crap stuff about parenthood without the solace of having a modicum of control over the situation, or getting half the credit of a bio mom (my friend who has been a great stepmom for years was hurt every Mother's Day when nobody thought to recognize the fact that she worked long hours as a Girl Scout leader, soccer team mom and school volunteer for her stepdaughter).
I'm sure there *are* situations where the kids are the ones who are powerless and disenfranchised, but it's easy for a doting father and a stepmother/new partner who wants to "do the right thing" to place her needs at the bottom of the list, and for her to deny her need for attention and control over her living situation. I love my boyfriend dearly, and for now everything is great, but these are the things I worry about. #mommywars
11/06/09
A lot of authority over my life was immediately ceded to her, with little regard for the way it made me feel. I was expected to treat her exactly as if she was my mother, because, as I was repeatedly told, she thinks of me as if I was one of her own children, despite mountains of evidence that she was far more permissive with her biological children than she was with me, and that she treated me in ways that could be downright abusive. I not only picked up on the fact that her words were not matching up with her actions, but I also resented the fact that she was trying to slot into a position that, in my mind, was already occupied.
Don't get me wrong. Now that I am an adult, I have a lot more understanding for what my stepmom was dealing with, and I actually love her a whole lot and we get along really wonderfully now, but when I was a kid the merging of the families was very, very traumatic for me to deal with. It's something I've only recently been able to admit to myself, because I know how important and necessary the divorce and my parents' subsequent remarriages were, and part of me feels that by admitting not everything was kosher with the step-parentals, that I am somehow providing fodder for those who would say that divorce is unacceptable for couples who have children. I guess the only way I have been able to square my overarching ideals with my personal experience is to realize that the integration of stepparents into my life could have been handled in ways that were much healthier and more respectful. But hey, it's not like there is a handbook for any of this shit, so I can't blame anyone too much for the things that went wrong. #mommywars
11/05/09
She tried playing DDR with us, listened to us talk about video games and anime, and helps mediate arguments with my dad.
We tease her and call her "the evil stepmother", but we don't mean it at all. #mommywars
11/05/09
It's no garden path, ladies. Give that a thought before you slag your stepmother. She has to deal with you, all your baggage, all your mother's baggage, and she very likely has no real power in the relationship. So maybe that's why you see these bizarre behaviors. For the record, I try very hard to be respectful of my husband's time with his children, and I don't do some of the over-the-top things cited here. But it's tough. No question. #mommywars
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11/05/09
I know how difficult it is to bite my tongue about the in-laws' behavior (especially father-in-law), so it must be much harder here. I've honestly never thought about this angle before; I don't have a step parent. But in now, in my late 20s, my parents have split, so who knows, right? #mommywars
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She now always says that she thinks we got on so well because she never tried to be a parent. She was, though, just a passive-agressive one. We got on so well because she was this super feministl; I had never met a woman so independent before her. I adored her, so I let go of the fact that she wasn't confrontational when she needed to be.
Sorry if that's too much family baggage to air. I'm sure I'm not the only one with a stepmom who just to parent by proxy.
11/05/09
I'm not saying you don't have legit reasons to dislike her, but the examples you give are a little can't win for losing. #mommywars
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Plus, maybe she didn't want to expose herself to the standard "you're not my mother" answer that stepparents often get when they give an order or address a problematic behaviour, and thought that talking to your father, i.e. the person actually responsible for you in that household, was the best way to deal with you without overstepping her bounds.
I often heard friends complain about one of their stepparents trying to act like a parent and giving orders (and they were quite disdainful about that, with a "who does she/he think she/he is" tone to their complaints) and it's possible that your stepmother went too far in the other direction by trying to avoid a common problem. I've never been involved with a man who already has children, but if I were, I certainly wouldn't feel free to directly correct their behaviour and I'd probably consider that it is their father's job. #mommywars
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I think everyone who spends time around kids they are not bio parents of sometimes has to go to the bioparents to have them handle something. I'm not a stepmom and I don't have one, but I can see why you wouldn't want to do the correcting yourself, particularly since mfner seems to have been at least a tween when stepmom arrived. #mommywars
11/05/09
Personally, I have met very few people who actually like their stepmothers. But, I'm sure there are some stepmothers who are wonderful that has just not been my experience. #mommywars
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She won't let my dad communicate with me at all without her input, so she listens into phonecalls, reads emails and checks the mail just to make sure there is no privacy allowed. Essentially she's asking him to choose between us and I'm furious to have been put in that position, especially when she sends me abusive emails without him knowing. He tends to go with her wishes (probably for the easy life.)
She's very threatened by his relationship with me (but not my brother). There seems to be an oddly competitive feel which I know other stepdaughters have had with their stepmothers. Maybe the twisted feel comes from the fact she's only 10 years older than me? #mommywars
11/05/09
However, this could explain the perpetuation of the myth in modern culture #mommywars
11/05/09
The stepmother archetype from fairy tales existed at a time when women often died in child birth. So the existence of a stepmother could be a reminder that you are the reason your mother is dead. The evil stepmother may have been a way to memorialize the pure mother. Or perhaps it was a way to create a villain within the home. A child deals most often with parents as authority figures. It is easy to make a stepmother the villain because she does control a child's life, but it is not turning an actual mother or father into that villain. #mommywars
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11/05/09
There was a book studying this recently (in Classics we still think of the 90s as recent) called _Ancient Stepmothers: Myth, Misogyny and Reality_ by a woman named Patricia Watson. #mommywars
11/05/09
Na, stepmoms totally get a bad rep. #mommywars
11/05/09
But, I don't really know many people with divorced parents so maybe I've just seen Stepmom one too many times. #mommywars
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11/05/09
Oh yeah, did I mention she and her daughters are joining us for Thanksgiving? This should be fun... #mommywars
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11/03/09
Anyways, there shouldn't be a Marmaduke movie. Period. It's the worst comic of all time! #rihannaglamourmagazine
11/03/09