Anna H.:

Realistic: A new, aesthetically pleasing (read: contemporary and not embarrassing-looking - NO CARPET OR SISAL) cat tree or perch.
Fantasy: A first class ticket to Sydney because flying economy on Qantas for that long in such cramped conditions is inhumane for everyone and should be illegal.


Latoya:

Realistic: A gift card to a bookstore. Always appreciated.
Fantasy: $5,000 Gift Certificate to GameStop (one of my homegirls works there - it will last me years) and a month off from work. OR a free year of natural hairstyling services from Miss Jessies, provided they don't give me that poodle style thing they were doing for a while.


Margaret:

Realistic: New Strangers With Candy complete series DVD, because my friend borrowed a few disks and never returned them.
Fantasy: Tickets to California to retrieve my DVDs (and visit my friend, I suppose.)


Hortense:

Realistic: I'd really like a new record player.
Fantasy: A complete replica of the Imagination Room from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with wi-fi and a big comfy chair/desk combo set up near the banks of the chocolate river, so I can write in between sessions of eating the scenery.


Anna N.

Realistic: some decent-quality black gloves to replace the ones I left in a cab. I think my mom is actually getting me this.
Fantasy: a Hedi Slimane suit


Dodai:

Realistic: I'm into headbands now and really any hair accessories make me happy. I like the headbands Tarina Tarantino is doing… I also have a crush on some Irregular Choice ankle boots (in red)! Oh, and the Diana F+ camera is something I'd never buy for myself but would LOVE as a gift.
Fantasy: To spend the rest of the winter in Mexico with the boyfriend! Or a personal trainer. Actually, both. The personal trainer can come with us.


Katy:

Realistic: A miniature meyer lemon tree, thick wool tights (preferably in bright red, but I haven't found any that fit this description) and the book "The Haunting of America: from Salem Witch Trials to Harry Houdini."
Fantasy: To find an apartment in Boston that is cheap, but still has hardwood floors, a decent sized kitchen, and lots of windows. Also, a fireplace would be very nice. As would a puppy.


Sadie:

Realistic: I love good caramels, and crave a batch from the Trappistine Monastery, which are the most delicious and keep the order self-supporting. Also, a membership to either the Center for Fiction, since my local library has a lousy selection, or the Film Forum, to get my revival kicks.
Fantasy: Besides a karaoke machine that has both the Pastels' "Nothing to be Done" and "Sometimes Always" on it? The Goodybe Babylon box set, or the complete New York Review of Books classics collection - even though I own some of them already, and there's something a little "books-by-the-yard" about it, and I have no room, and it's incredibly expensive, and I have a niggling suspicion that some classics are "forgotten" and "minor" for a reason.


Jenna:

Reality:Really delicious cookies and a scarf from my mum.
Fantasy: Jeans that are tight but not restrictive, closer to a straight-legged cut than "skinny," don't come in an embarrassing pre-weathered wash, have absolutely no stupid non-functional embroidery, give me neither a wedgie nor camel toe, are neither too low- or high-waisted, and have NO Lycra. And cost less than $100 at Loehmann's. I don't think these exist. Also I would like an office chair i could sit in comfortably for hours a day that also doesn't look like some piece of aeronautical equipment or get advertised so relentlessly on NPR that I start to feel like a someone with a tote bag collection, on the inside, but i don't think such a thing exists. Maybe the Herman Miller Aeron Chair!

Anna H.: Worst: My first Christmas after starting to date my husband. He gave me a very expensive pair of stiletto Gucci booties - with the Gucci logo stamped all over them. Not only do I not wear stilettos (booties or otherwise) I am not a "label whore" and don't want obvious luxury logos on anything I buy. Also let me say that this was also while his friends from Sydney were in town and the male friend was out shopping with my husband on 5th Avenue for an engagement ring for the female friend (they ended up getting engaged on the Brooklyn Bridge). So, to recap: Tiffany diamond ring for the lady, Gucci boots for me. They are somewhere in the back of my closet and a source of much humiliation to my husband whenever they are discussed.
Best: When he bought me a set of mint-condition vintage John Bellairs books with the original Edward Gorey drawings.

Katy: Worst: A really hideous velvet thong. Best: a hand-painted ceramic teapot.

Sadie: I have gotten a lot of mediocre gifts in my time; the worst is either the empty oil can or the vodka-filled chocolates. And the best? Our first Christmas together my now-fiancé really came through: the collected Girl Groups CD set and a top-quality pocket knife engraved with my name.

Dodai: Worst came from a friend of my mom's, who gave me a book by Dr. Laura. I don't THINK it was "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" but it might have been. She meant well, but yuck. Best would probably be when my mom gave me my late father's Rolex he bought in the '60s and wore when I was a kid.

Anna N.:Worst: a disposable razor and a toothbrush (an uncharacteristic lapse on the part of my grandfather, who usually gave cool gifts)
Best: when he was about seven, my brother gave me a baseball on which he had written "#1 most times bieng there for her brother"

Hortense: The best present I ever got would probably be the chocolate lab my parents bought us for Christmas when I was 15, Bailey. (We named him after George Bailey from "It's A Wonderful Life.") He was a crazy dog. He actually just passed away last summer, so this will be the first family Christmas without him in 14 years. :(

Geoff Williams feels slighted because he got his wife a tree for Mother's Day one year, but all she got him was some boxer shorts. He writes that, "for many people, Father's Day is an afterthought, a holiday just a few steps above the one that celebrates the groundhog and that other one that promotes trees." He acknowledges that most moms still have a harder job than dads, and that he was terrified when his wife had surgery and, for one weekend, he had to bathe and feed his daughters instead of doing "only the fun stuff." But he says,

I think we dads merit at least a little more than boxer shorts, soap-on-a-rope, and neckties. We don't get the good stuff because we're paying for the sins of our fathers, and our fathers' fathers. But these days, dads are changing diapers, warming bottles, and taking our kids to the park. We may not be where you want us yet, but we've evolved, and we're involved.

Many dads are evolved and involved, but it is even true that they're not getting the good stuff? In my house, Father's Day was always as important as Mother's Day, and I'm already getting panic attacks about what will happen if I forget to call my dad on Sunday. And Father's Day certainly seems to inspire plenty of department store promotions and news stories — like, uh, Williams's.

Still, Williams isn't the only one complaining — he's not even the only Williams. Blogger and radio host Armstrong Williams says, "Aside from the typical gift selection of a new tie, putter, or power tools, no serious consideration is given to this holiday." But his complaint is more far-reaching than Geoff Williams's — he thinks there is a lack of serious consideration for the rights of fathers in general. His beef: men aren't allowed to prevent their partners from having abortions. He tells the story of John Stachokus, who filed an injunction to keep his girlfriend from aborting their child. When a court rejected the injunction, Williams writes that it "regarded him as little more than a soulless contributor of DNA." Williams also says,

in the continued fight for equality, various feminist groups have refused to acknowledge the basic human rights of the co-equal contributors to pregnancy: the unborn child and the father. Plainly, that is a bad thing.

It's true that fathers are co-equal contributors to pregnancy, but they are not — no matter how many fake breasts they strap on — co-equal participants in pregnancy. The reason men don't get to decide whether women carry their fetuses to term isn't because they're "soulless contributors of DNA" — it's because they are not the ones carrying the fetus. As much as it sucks for John Stachokus, he has the privilege and limitation of not being able to bear a child. If he wants to have a kid, someone else has to carry it for him. It's not fair, but neither is the fact that women have to bear all the risks of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. Do we want to live in a society where a man can force a woman to undertake these risks? What if tragedy struck and Stachokus's girlfriend died in childbirth?

There's a reason we don't force people to donate their organs, even though the need is great — people have to be in charge of their own bodies, and to have the power to decide what risks they're willing to take with them. It's unfair that these kind of decisions also affect other people, but there are lots of unfair things about being a human — and, historically, women have experienced this unfairness far more than men.

Dad feels cheated on Father's Day booty [CNN]
A Critical Role for Fathers [FJM Blog, via The Root]

When I was a kid, my mother would make us write out Christmas lists to Santa before Thanksgiving even hit. "Santa is busy and needs the notice," she'd say. "The faster we send it, the better your chances are." Depending on my family's financial situation that year, Santa would either come through or come pretty damn close, as even in our thriftiest years, my parents found a way to make our Christmases memorable. My parents are a bit Christmas crazy; my sister and I, who are 2 years apart, would often get "the big present" that our hearts desired as a sort of shared sister deal, and my mother and father would take so many pictures of us opening it that I think they had more fun with it than we did. We'd open boxes of socks and school clothes before hitting the jackpot: the big present, which was usually hidden behind the tree.

One of the presents I remember most was the My Little Pony Dream Castle, a pink plastic monstrosity that housed several ponies at once:

But beyond "the big present," my favorite gifts as a kid were the weird ones that I'd get from a kooky aunt of mine, who always found us gifts at science museums and educational stores: water weebles, scientific yo-yos, and pretty polished rocks. And, of course, the chocolates that Santa left in my stocking and the books that my neighbor would always wrap in shiny silver paper for me. What were your favorite presents as a kid? Feel free to post the commercials in the comments below. Have a nice night, and I'll see you all in the morning.

Here are the main approaches the PajamaGram marketers use to make the sale (clip of full commercial above):

1.) Don't you like naked girls? Giving intimate clothing to someone means you might actually get to see a woman naked, since she'll have to take her current clothes off to put the new clothes on.

2.) Don't you like sex? Because some women might feel obligated. (BTW, how creepy-looking is this guy?)

3.) Don't you like large-breasted, good girls? The cut of this tank top is matronly enough, so you can safely assume that the woman you're giving a gift to — as possible exchange for a lay — is not a slut.

3.) Doesn't she expect little from you anyway? Chances are, if you're even considering this purchase, you probably haven't set the bar very high, in terms of what she thinks you're capable of providing — emotionally, romantically, financially, or otherwise — so really, you can't lose!

4.) Don't you wish she'd spend more time at home with you because whenever she's out with her girlfriends, she gets ideas in her head that you don't like? Keeping your girlfriend in loungewear will keep her close to your side.

5.) Don't you hate bras? If you order this gift, she will, too. Which means, naked breasts for you.

6.) Don't you deserve it? Treat yourself to a "thank you" you'll enjoy.

ProActiv Solution



Potpourri


Deodorant


Chia Pet


Nose Hair Clipper


Scrunchie


Love: Poems by Danielle Steele

Earlier: Ultimate Terrible Gift Guide: Part 1

Tyra made a big stink in the beginning of today's show about how she is giving all these fun, expensive presents — carried out by quasi-shirtless men — to the audience members, all of whom are unemployed, a pre-requisite she set as a way to cheer up people who aren't doing so well right now. (She actually made them all wear matching red T-shirts that said "unemployed" on them. Bitch.) The thing is, Oprah also had a recession slant to her infamous "Favorite Things" episode this year: Gifts that cost next to nothing. This goes to show that Tyra could use a few more lessons from the TV legend, particularly that service shows that assist millions always trump Santa shows that assist less than 100.

Audience:

Gay Elves:

What On Earth is a mini-format catalog that somehow manages to pack about 700 products into its 127 pages. (And that's not even counting the vast selection of T-shirts with slogans like "Behold…Fartacus" which is available for $18.95.) They sell stuff like that beer-holder hoodie that Santa is wearing on the cover. I got on their mailing list after I ordered this pillow, which I actually highly recommend, because it's really comfortable, and makes sleeping on planes bearable even though people literally laugh at you when they walk past.

Even though there are almost too many items to keep track of, I did notice a recurring theme throughout: Hard-to-find, novelty toilet accessories.

Talking Toilet Paper Roll, $24.95
Give this to: Friends who forget stuff when they're in the bathroom sometimes.

Toilet Paper with the Name "Bob" Printed All Over It, 2 rolls for $12.95
Give this to: Your favorite Bob.

Ghoulie-esque Practical Joke, $16.95
Give this to: Your office Secret Santa that you secretly hate, because it's the only thing you can give them that you put in a toilet that probably won't get you fired.

Headless Cat Rug & Matching Cat Head Toilet Seat Cover, $24.95
Give this to: Your Nana.

Headless Flamingo Rug & Matching Flamingo Head Toilet Seat Cover, $24.95
Give this to: Your other Nana that moved to Florida.

Guitar Toilet Handle, $49.95
Give this to: Your little brother, who just got his first apartment off-campus, even though he'll never bother to take it out of the box, because he will still find use for it that way, as a surface to break his weed up for a joint.

Skull Toilet Brush Holder, $39.95
Give this to: Your neighbor with the black light posters.

Auto-refresher Dog Bowl That Looks Like a Toilet Bowl, $24.95
Give this to: Your uncle that never married.

Remember in Working Girl when Alec Baldwin gives Tess sexy lingerie for her birthday and she says, "Mick, just once it would be nice to get something I could wear outside the house."

And apparently men are so crap at buying underwear for the dames in their lives that London's John Lewis store has set up a "lingerie academy" to prevent the purchase of Pussycat Dolls-esque monstrosities in random sizes. But seriously, is it really that hard? Apparently so!

According to the academy's mastermind, Maria Walker, men's problems fall into a few categories: buying for themselves rather than their recipients; cluelessness as to size; and generally being intimidated by the setup of the creepily-named "Intimates" departments and Victoria's Secret bordellos, and the fear of looking pervy. Then too, the mechanics of fit and hoist, or underwire and cuppage, are a language that's mysterious even to women.

So, in a panic, guys go with what they've been told is "sexy," almost never what we'd choose. Think red, black, thongs, and a lot of teddies. Says Walker,

I saw a programme recently called Britain's Worst Husband and these men were sent into a high street shop to buy lingerie and they all came back with red and black lace. Every one. We have some beautiful things in red and black, but you have to make sure of the quality and you have got to look at your partner's colouring. Someone with dark hair and olive skin would look wonderful in red but if you're blonde...

Rather than guessing at sizes (which I can tell you from my time in retail, men never know even if they think they do) the academy recs that guys get camisoles and panties and stay completely away from thongs, however much they want them. They also have to coax some guys out of the weird virgin/whore complex that presupposes that racy lingerie suggests "mistress." I would personally add to this: if there is any danger of receiving lingerie, ever, beat into the buyer's brain the brand you wear: it's so hard to find stuff that works with the vagaries of individual breasts there's no point taking a chance on a line that cuts small through the back (ahem, Elle MacPherson) or inconsistently in the cup (yes, looking at you, Gap Body.) Because the thing about lingerie gifts is, even if they kind of suck, most of us will wear them just to be good sports. Like faking orgasms, this kind of white lying runs the risk of fooling a guy into thinking he's done an awesome job and repeating the error but I do feel it's one of those occasions where prevarication is kind. Unless, you know, we're talking about a raccoon suit or some other outlier - which disciplines the academy does not appear to address.

How To Buy Underwear For Women [Times of London]

Picture of Yourself



Gift Certificate For "Meal With Me, On You"



Salad Spinner



Unsolicited Gym Membership



Socks



Book of Limericks



Things People Are Allergic To



Uncut Sheet Of $1 Bills



Nips

It's not that the girls' gifts all suck — the Fish School Training Kit, which was developed by "noted fish-training expert Dr. Dean Pomerleau" and promises to teach your fish to "limbo, slalom, fetch, play basketball, jump through hoops, and much more," sounds pretty sweet if it is not in fact an extended joke. But why do cool toys like the Galileo Gravitator Amazing Floating Planets or Pleo, the Robotic Lifelike Dinosaur (pictured below; warning: clicking the link will make someone named Caleb Chung talk to you about Pleo) appear only on the boys' list, while girls get toys like the Spa Science Kit, the Creative Cosmetics Kit, and Oggz, which are "relaxing," color-changing eggs?

And what do we make of the Femisapien (tagline: "Robots That Just Want To Have Fun"), whose name implies that girls, or at least girl robots, are actually of a different genus than boys?

It's not just the sciences that suffer from gift-guide gender stereotyping. For a donation, the British Library's Adopt A Book program will put your loved one's name in one of its books this Christmas. If your loved one is a man, the Library thinks he may enjoy The Life of Oliver Cromwell or From Russia with Love. Your lady friends will have to content themselves with the Family Cookery and Housekeeping Book or Meal Planning in Wartime.

Having asked my mom to get me lotion and perfume for Christmas, I can't advocate a boycott of traditionally girly gifts. But I can ask why companies would recommend non-gender-specific, cool toys and books for boys, and homemaking and cosmetic-themed items for girls and women. By all means, get your daughter or niece or sister a Creative Cosmetics Kit this season (except if you, like me, are too broke to buy a gift that costs $59.95). But don't tell me that Spa Science and meal planning are for girls, while dinosaurs and Oliver Cromwell are for boys. There's no reason women can't be into Oliver Cromwell — not least because he reportedly died of a UTI.

• An amusement park in South Korea schooled 30 female and male wannabe-Santas today on what it takes to be Santa Claus. • An Illinois woman who recently finalized her divorce claims that her ex-husband and his girlfriend broke into her house over the weekend and stole half of her king-sized bed as well as some electronics. • Captain Kate Philp of the British Army became the first female soldier to lose a limb in Afghanistan when she lost half of her leg following a blast that killed another soldier. • A report on Tuesday of a fetus in a trash bin behind the Gulfcoast Ultrasound Institute in Florida turned out to be a training tool for doctors and nurses to perform ultrasound procedures. • Nancy Kerrigan will star in an ice skating TV special, Holiday Celebration on Ice, which will air on Sunday on NBC. •

[Image via Planned Parenthood of Greater Orlando.]

The National Review's Kathleen Parker, who we've already invited to move to Thailand, calls for Palin to drop out for the good of the party and the country. Naturally, she also says that all liberal feminists are part of a "hirsute, Birkenstock-wearing sisterhood" — because, naturally, a feminist would never wear cute shoes or trim her bush, let alone shave her legs — but her point is that Sarah Palin is rather obviously out of her league in this contest. After watching Palin's interviews with Charlee Gibson, Sean Hannity and Katie Couric, Parker's response is: "If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself." Ouch.

Then there's the New York Times "Editorial Observer" column, which takes Sarah Palin to task for the little rape kit thing she's refusing to talk about. Writer Dorothy Samuels comes to basically the same conclusion that I did — that Palin must have known, and that she did it in an orgy of Republican-y cost-cutting that Samuels calls "boneheaded." Samuels compares that to Joe Biden's sponsorship of the Violence Against Women Act, which Samuels notes contained "provisions to make states ineligible for federal grant money if they charged rape victims for exams and the kits containing the medical supplies needed to conduct them." As far as Samuels is concerned, the voters deserve an explanation.

And as if that isn't enough, today, the Washington Post reports that Palin took $25,000 in gifts from various interests groups with issues before the legislature, causing the campaign to not respond with a denial (of course) and The Guardian digs into the nasty anti-Semitic leanings of the preachers and speakers at Palin's church. So, for the end of this week, Palin's an unqualified Republican who takes bribes, doesn't like Jews and is enthralled with cost-cutting to the point of amorality. That's not a good day.

Worst Of Sarah Palin's Katie Couric Interview (So Far) [Gawker]
More Painful Palin Excerpts From Couric Interview [Daily Kos]
Palin Problem [National Review]
Wasilla Watch: Sarah Palin and the Rape Kits [New York Times]
Palin Accepted $25,000 in Gifts, Alaska Records Show [Washington Post]
Palin's Preacher Problem [The Guardian]

In yesterday's New York Times Sunday Styles section, Guy Trebay writes, "The emotional resonance of the stuff one gives and receives is a form of gold." Trebay discusses the lumps of "emotional coal" that people feel they are receiving when a gift truly disappoints. "And what of the misshapen sweater knit for another friend by an ambivalent fiancée?" Trebay ponders. "Could it truly have been accidental that his conflicted Penelope knit the garment so that the left side, where the heart lies, was much smaller than the rest?"

Trebay tries to look on the bright side, "the exercise of following the object back to its intention is beneficial," he instructs. He has a good point, but there's no sugar coating a present like butt-lifting undies. What's the most disappointing present you've ever received?

Woman Allegedly Stabs Husband Over Gift [CBS News]
What Do You Mean, Giving Me That? [New York Times]

Cuisanart Smart Stick Stainless Steel Hand Blender or Electric, rechargeable vibrator with clit tickler and vulva-caresser attachments!


Crystal decanter or G-spot stimulator glass dildo!


Cookie press or Suction pump (for him)!


Barware set or Over-sized bullet vibe with various attachments!


Crystal decanter or Double-penetration glass dildo for anal and vaginal insertion!


Holiday spatulas or Holiday spanking paddles!