Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s self-congratulatory newsletter and lifestyle brand for rich healthies, will release its first sex issue on May 9. So, sorry brand new white bed spread, because you’re about to have about a gallon of pomegranate juice sanctimoniously sprayed all over you, I bet.

It’s been done—the dad spotted casually reading at Raleigh’s Beyoncé concert has been identified and interviewed. We know his name, we know the book he brought, we know what kind of music he likes more than Beyoncé’s.