According to CNN's Ivan Watson, Palestinian cousins Nadir Mohammed Saleh and Ahmed Fayiz Abed Rabo suffer from male pseudohermaphrodism, meaning they appeared outwardly female from birth to puberty but actually had malformed male sex organs in their abdomens. At puberty, they began to look more like boys, making social life difficult. Nadir's father says, "They used to travel by car to girls' school and back. Because of their facial hair, it was difficult for them to go out into the street. Psychologically they were distressed." So both decided to begin living as boys.

Male pseudohermaphrodism is so common on the Gaza Strip — perhaps due to widespread cousin marriage — that their family already had a name for the process: "the transfer." Now they want sex change operations so they can have male sex organs, which they need in order to change their Palestinian identity card to "male" and gain access to higher education opportunities. Of course, the fact that said opportunities are (apparently) restricted to men with male sex organs speaks to an idea of gender division — and gender hierarchy — that makes little sense when we understand how complicated human sex and gender really are. And if Caster Semenya's ordeal is any indication, the rest of the world is no better at this than Palestine.

But new research might further this understanding somewhat. Scientists have found that switching off just a single gene in adult female mice causes their ovary cells to change into testosterone-producing cells like those in male testes. The cells couldn't produce sperm, but researcher Robin Lovell-Badge says, "If it is possible to make these changes in adult humans, it may eventually remove the need for surgery in gender-reassignment treatment." He notes that, "If this does become possible, it's likely that while treated individuals would make the right hormones for their new sex, fertility would be lost."

The study also has implications for how we think about human sex, since the gene in question is present in all mammals. Steve Connor of the Independent writes,

One of the great dogmas of biology is that gender is fixed from birth, determined by the inheritance of certain genes on the X and Y sex chromosomes. [...] The findings suggest that being male or female is not a permanently fixed state but something that has to be continually maintained in the adult body by the constant interaction of genes to keep the status quo – and the gender war – from slipping in favour of the opposite sex.

As Rebecca Boyle of PopSci points out, scientists don't yet have a corresponding way to transform female cells into male cells. And the research is too nascent to materially help Nadir and Ahmed, who are appealing to the international community for help obtaining the sex change surgery that's not available in Gaza. But advances in sex research may help demolish the notion that human sex is a simple either-or matter (it may even be environmentally influenced: stressed pregnant women are more likely to spontaneously miscarry male fetuses). And this might make the lives of people like Nadir and Ahmed — and Caster Semenya — a lot less distressing.

Rare Gender Identity Defect Hits Gaza Families [CNN]
From Minnie To Mickey (And All They Did Was Turn Off A Gene) [Independent]
Switching A Gene In Adult Mice Easily Transforms Females Into Males [PopSci]
Girls On Top [The Economist]

[Jerusalem, October 9. Image via Getty]

Israelis hold banners showing captured Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit during a protest calling for his release near Prime Minister Netanyahu's resident in Jerusalem on October 09, 2009. Israel freed 20 Palestinian female prisoners on October 02 in exchange for two minutes and 40 seconds video footage showing soldier Gilad Shalit looking healthy after more than three years in captivity at the hands of Gaza militants. AFP PHOTO/ GALI TIBBON (Photo credit should read GALI TIBBON/AFP/Getty Images)

[Beit Lahia, Gaza; July 15. Image via Getty]

Palestinian children pose for a picture near a building destroyed during Israel's massive 22-day assault in the Gaza Strip last December-January on July 15, 2009 in Beit Lahia, northern Gaza. Israeli soldiers in the Gaza war were told to shoot first and worry about the consequences later, and used Palestinian civilians as human shields, an activist group's report said on July 15, 2009. AFP PHOTO/MOHAMMED ABED (Photo credit should read MOHAMMED ABED/AFP/Getty Images)

[Erez Crossing, Israel; June 23. Image via Getty]

An Israeli protestor wearing a dress with a portrait of captured Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit leads a demonstration marking his three-year captivity at the Erez crossing on June 23, 2009. Dozens of Israeli protestors blocked crossings into Gaza demanding the release of a soldier who has been held captive for three years by militants in the Hamas-run enclave. At Erez, the main crossing for people between Israel and the Palestinian territory, some 50 people gathered demanding their government do more to free Gilad Shalit, who was seized by Gaza militants on June 25, 2006. AFP PHOTO/JACK GUEZ (Photo credit should read JACK GUEZ/AFP/Getty Images)

First, the bad news: it seems floral tributes are terrible for the environment. Hothouse blooms - read: the vast majority we'll see tomorrow - overwhelmingly need to be flown from far-off locales like South America and Africa, shipped in temp-controlled vehicles and then delivered to closer locales all over the world, for a Valentine's Day impact of nearly 9,000 metric tons of CO2 emissions. While it's more the travel than the growing that savages the planet, it's increasingly possible to find Fair-Trade and Organic blooms from major floral retailers. Buying locally in February isn't viable for everyone, but domestic flowers are a little easier on mother Earth, and the heartier the breed, the less special handling it will require - if that is, a fern or chocolate just won't do.

And speaking of imports...Israel has just opened the borders of Hamas-run Gaza on Thursday for the first time in about a year, to allow some of those hothouse carnations to be shipped to flower-deprived Europe.

The shipment of 25,000 carnations passed through the Kerem Shalom cargo terminal on the Israel-Gaza border at the Dutch government's request, according to Maj. Peter Lerner, a spokesman for the Israeli Defense Ministry agency that handles Palestinian civilian affairs. They are scheduled to be flown from Ben-Gurion Airport on Friday.

Optimists and their daughters hope this represents a general "thaw" in relations in the region; others of us think sometimes a carnation is just a carnation.

Or is it?! A semi-lame slideshow on the New York Times website gives us a new "language of flowers." Now instead of "treasure and good fortune," "Goldenrod" stands for "I actually bought these with your credit card." It's witty and relevant, you see. The artist would obviously have something hi-lariously irreverent to say about carnations!

...but what would he say about the Duffydil?! Well, it's pretty literal, actually: The Royal Horticultural Society just named a varietal of the Welsh emblem after the Grammy-winning pop songstress. Duffy was allowed to select the type of daffodil she wanted; apparently it's a "hardy" one.

Blooms Away: The Real Price of Flowers [Scientific American]
Israel Opens the Gaza Border for 25,000 Carnations, Bound for Europe [New York Times]
The Sweet Smell of Semantics [New York Times]
Duffy spawns new 'Duffydil' flower [Mirror]

Anti-gay bigots are back in court in California this week, and not to defend against the suits that seek to overturn Proposition 8 or even to meet the kind of people that will invite them to the gay orgies they know are going on but swear they don't want to go to. They're in court to try to get the court to overturn California's open records laws on political donations that require all contributions in excess of $100 be disclosed. Although the federal contribution disclosure standard is $200, conserva-lawyer James Bopp — once literally laughed out of court — says that the standard should be way higher to prevent bigoted donors from being identified publicly as bigots and being subjected to harassment campaigns — like boycotts by LGBT people and their supporters who don't want our money funding bigots or their bigoted political causes. Boo fucking hoo.

In other news, both African-Americans and white Americans seem to think that racism is less of a problem in this country on the whole than it was 15 years ago, though more white people than black people think that blacks have achieved racial equality and don't have any problems anymore. I guess that's because race had no apparent effect on the election so, since Barack didn't "suffer" from racism no black person does anymore. Yay equality.

Obama is, however, having a worse time of it in Congress than anyone suspected, with significant differences between his stimulus plans and Nancy Pelosi's ideas continuing to spill out in public. And if it weren't bad enough that Pelosi wants to repeal Bush's tax cuts now and Obama wants to wait for them to expire next year, the media insists on drumming up this big rift because it's more interesting if it's a fight rather than a boring disagreement on mundane tax policy. They also disagree about whether to investigate Bush and his Administration over everything that has ever happened, but that's good because it will allow Obama to keep his hands clean and call for unity up until the House investigations that were always going to happen anyway unearth something prosecutable, at which point Obama can with great sadness appoint a special prosecutor and let the games begin.

Speaking of games, Rod Blagojevich has asked his lead lawyer not to show up for his impeachment trial next week because Ed Genson thinks it might be a bad idea to call the trial "a lynching," which (and I never thought I'd say this), good for Ed Genson. Everyone is freaking out about who New York Governor David Paterson will appoint to take over Hillary Clinton's seat this week and the Obama camp is unofficially officially behind Caroline Kennedy but Paterson is still thinking about some new info that has come to light. And that pilot guy that ditched the plane in the Hudson River last week will be at the inauguration of Barack Obama this week with his family in what will no doubt be many of this Administration's cribbing from former Presidents' PR playbooks.

On the international front, the Iraqi shoe-thrower is looking for asylum in Switzerland because he's fine throwing his shoes at a world leader on camera and less fine with paying the consequences for it. North Korea has finally admitted that it's got enough weapons grade plutonium for 4-5 nukes which they totally promise not to use on Alaska as long as Obama gives them lots of other cool shit with which to occupy their time in between figuring out how to starve their own people more efficiently and mint more fake U.S. currency. Gaza is pretty well fucked up but, as I predicted, Israel has signed a cease-fire and is starting to withdraw its troops just in time for Obama's inauguration tomorrow. That's change, if not exactly progress.

Everyone is all a-Twitter today about Obama's selection of former Bill Clinton White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to run the CIA next year. And when I say a-Twitter, I mean that anyone who knows stuff about politics stared at their computer screens mouth agape and said or typed — as I did to Spencer Ackerman — "Leon Panetta??" Incoming Senate Intelligence Chair Diane Feinstein (D-California) expressed some skepticism at the choice of a Clintonista with no real intel experience, as did outgoing Chair Jay Rockefeller (D-West Virginia). Talking Points Memo gets junior Intel Committee member Ron Wyden (D-Oregon) to say he totally knew and then speculates that the Obama team told him but not Feinstein rather than assuming, as I did, that his communications guy is either lying to make the boss look good or too stupid to check first (likely the latter, Wyden's staff is normally good people). Some people are even saying Panetta wanted the Commerce slot originally, which would make sense given his background (and would certainly make him more money in the private sector afterwards) — and we all know that position is now available. But the big selling point on Panetta — which is kind of a sorry state of affairs — is he's apparently the one dude with really, really minimal intelligence experience (case in point: Obama's team is trying to sell his time working on the Intel budget at the White House as such experience) who is seemingly really opposed to torturing people. That is to say that, after 7+ years of torturing people ourselves, rendering them to other countries to be tortured, plenty of faulty intelligence gained from those practices, the loss of American prestige in the world due to the knowledge that we're doing it even as we condemn other countries for doing so (with a wink and a nod these days) and a deep dissatisfaction among most people — other than those that think we ought to do it as punishment because they are deeply mean and stupid — at our country's practice of it, the Obama camp had to pick Leon Panetta to find someone who wanted to stop.

Sigh.

Oh, and in case you're wondering (as I was, since I hadn't been paying that close attention), Congresswoman and former House Intel Committee Chair Jane Harman was ruled out because she didn't hate wiretapping enough and totally not because of her feud with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that lost her the gavel in the first place. Because, obviously, known intellect Silvestre Reyes was always who we needed in that chair.

Anyway, back to Not Gonna Be Commerce Secretary Bill "Grabbyhands" Richardson, if you still care before any indictments come down. He swears he was totally forthcoming with the Obama vetters, just like he was probably totally transparent with the people of New Mexico and that his hopes and dreams of saving this country from a Depression will have to "take a back seat to what is best for the nation" and then I gagged from the bullshit he was trying to hand-feed me. Kathleen Sebelius' name is back in the Cabinetry mix as a possible replacement, though Latino leaders are stomping their feet and demanding it stay a Latino cabinet position despite having pushed for Grabbyhands in the first place and the League of United Latin American Citizens is trying to get Obama to nominate Congressman Xavier Becerra (D-California) who already publicly told Obama to shove the United States Trade Representative slot in favor of staying a Congressman so, yeah, I don't think he's gonna get a second offer guys. After that, all they got is mayors on their list, who aren't really gonna get Commerce given that it's a huge department with almost little to do with mayor-stuff, so the unseemliness of declaring Commerce for Latinos and State for the wimmins and the rest of the annoying identity politics shit that has gone on since the supposedly post-racial election aside (hello Roland Burris and Bobby Rush!), it's thankfully likely just to go back to the pool of qualified candidates regardless of race or gender. How quaint.

And while all this identity-politics shit makes my skin crawl, I'm still luckier than TSA employees whose new uniforms are causing actual rashes. That should totally put them in a better mood when they are slapping on the latex gloves to swab my shoes and figure out, again, whether I am wearing an underwire bra or not. (Answer: yes I am.)

In the meantime, Israel is continuing its ground offensive in Gaza, killing more people in the name of supposed security which decades of killing more people hasn't apparently brought and everyone is talking humanitarian crisis while some people are looking to broker a peace deal which it sort of also seems like we've tried before. What with all the significant attention paid to the region during his tenure in office, President Bush acted swiftly to bring the situation to a peaceful end... Ha, no just kidding. He ignored it for a while and then issued his first statement yesterday during a press conference.

"I understand Israel's desire to protect itself, and the situation now taking place in Gaza was caused by Hamas," Mr Bush said.

See what he did there? Because he wants us to be able to do whatever the fuck we want [cough, attack Iran, cough] internationally in the name of "protecting ourselves" pre-emptively (anyone remember the Bush Doctrine? Other than Sarah Palin, I mean...) he's not about to get up and say that maybe Israel shouldn't attack anyone for any reason and Hamas started it anyway. No wonder Israel launched its attack before the Inauguration.

Speaking of, Joe Biden's going to use the pre-Inauguration time to go on one last Congressional delegation as Chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee — and he's going to South Asia, which is to say places like India, Pakistan and Afghanistan. They're not exactly going to take it as a Congressional visit, but that's sort of the point, too. Obama, on the other hand, is drumming up support on the Hill for his stimulus package — including his big tax cuts — where he managed not to run into "Senator" Roland Burris who, it is rumored, will indeed be seated if he, like, totes promises not to run in 2010 which is laughable because it isn't an enforceable promise and the Senate Dems will totally change their minds once they notice that a Republican is poised to win the seat back.

New York Governor David Paterson is taking no chances running into a Richardson- or Burris-type issue with his choice and has mailed all 6 contenders a 28-page disclosure package to turn in by Thursday so it appears La Kennedy will actually have to talk about some shit — including her finances — before she is the Senator and absolutely, positively has to. Other people still up for the seat, supposedly, are Long Island Rep. Steve Israel (not gonna happen), Rep. Carolyn Maloney (the Feminist Majority Foundation's choice), upstate sophomore Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand (too junior), Rep. Jerrold Nadler (nope) and Nassau County executive (a government job, like mayor of Wasilla) Thomas Suozzi (definitely not, this guy's name is floated more often than a rubber duckie). Not on the New York Times list but, sadly, still likely on Paterson's short-list is state Attorney General Andrew "Shucking and Jiving Is Not A Racist Term, I Swear" Cuomo. Jerk. David, honey, just keep repeating to yourself "Change we can believe in" and see if you can even conjure up the name Cuomo.

Today, I asked everyone who was up and about and able to join me (and one another) for one great last insane discussion of the news. Those friends of mine crazy enough to do so included Moe Tkacik, Huffington Post's Jason Linkins, The Washington Independent's Spencer Ackerman, Campus Progress's Kay Steiger, and Gawker's incomparable Alex Pareene.

Before I go into it, though, I am going to use this space to say something about the people with whom I've had the privilege to write this feature this past year. Every one of them (except Moe who, like me, actually got paid to do this for a while) generously gave of their time, intelligence, humor and early, early mornings to do this with me and was appreciated a great deal. So, to David Ferguson, Steve Ralls, Jill Filipovic, Latoya Peterson, Rebecca Traister, Jim Newell and Asma Hasan, who couldn't be here for this last one: Thank you.

JASON: Hello to everyone in the room.

KAY: Morning all! I think the only comfort to being "back at work" January 2 is that it's Friday.

JASON: Ha suckaz. I am not back to work till Tuesday. When this is over, I'm going back to the warm body in my bed.

MEGAN: My only comfort is that I am back to doing this from my own couch. It would have been from my own bed, which is where I did it for at least a month last year, but I forgot to bring my computer into the bedroom last night.

MOE: Happy NY folks! I have a personal slogan that completely undermines my projections for the economy and the health of cultural pluralism etc. "IT'S FINE IN '09." And thus far I've had no internet connection problems so…

MEGAN: Someone is being optimistic! Sort of like Sarah Palin, who is totes convinced that Levi is going to get his GED and Bristol will head back to school next week to finish high school.

MOE: And I'm SO going back to bed for which I remembered to swipe an old blanket from my parents' house, holy shit it's cold. Were any of you guys in DC over the 75-degree break?

MEGAN: Nah, I was in upstate NY, but it totally hit like 47, which is like 70.

KAY: I got back in DC on Monday, and let me tell you — it's way warmer here than in Minnesota.

JASON: DC has been fluctuating between wind chill frigidity and "Let's just skip right to May" for the past two weeks.

MEGAN: In honor of Moe, I think we ought to discuss Peggy Noonan's new columnin which she suggests C-sections are classist, admits to awkward segues, calls Hillary Clinton more glamorous than Caroline Kennedy and wishes for her to be more of a princess. And I'm not even done reading it yet.

JASON: That sounds like a lot of pure Noonantastic WONDERMENT for just one column.

MEGAN: Wait! I just got to the part where she speculates on a run by Jenna Bush for the Senate seat from Texas in 2053. She's sure Jenna couldn't win.

JASON: Her columns are like classist C-sections for my BRAIN.

MOE: I wonder which one of those two is proudest of their moms. And does being a national symbol of American stupidity have any effect on your kids' value of education? Guess we'll see! Also: fuck Caroline Kennedy, and also fuck Israel. And Jenna has my vote.

MEGAN: Well, not that anyone outside of Albany cares, but Asseumbly Speaker Sheldon Silver who spent the 12 years of Pataki's tenure in office more or less rolling over like an obedient puppy — I predict great things for him when he runs for a House seat — is rolling over like an obedient puppy and dropping his opposition to her so that David Paterson isn't mad at him.

SPENCER: [enters the room] Jesus, all of you woke up earlier than I did.

KAY: Fear the wrath of David P, Sheldon Silver. Fear it.

MEGAN: Shelly really needs a good belly rub, David. Go ahead, it's fine, he won't bite, he doesn't even have teeth.

JASON: Noonan: "The thing about America is it is always ahead of the clichés, always one step ahead of an assumed limit." OY. Someone needs to go to her work and knock the dicks out of her mouth.

MOE: This column is so classic Peggy. "I hate glamorous rarefied New York and all its superficial beautiful people! Whatever became of true glamorous beauty? You know, the old "up by my bootstraps and enormous discipline" type of beauty, which is the only type that is authentic! Here's what God has been telling me…"

JASON: HA! YES.

SPENCER: New York is not interesting. Authenticity is not interesting. Lack of authenticity is not interesting. New York arrivistes who write about New York are not interesting. New York natives who complain about New York arrivisites are not interesting.

MEGAN: It's completely awesome:

This is one reason modern political dynasties tend to have a deleterious effect on our politics. When you get new people in the process who think politics is about meaning, they tend to bring the meaning with them. On the other hand, those who've learned that politics is about small and shallow things, and the romance of dynasties, bring that with them. (They also bring old retainers, sycophants, and ingrained money lines, none of which help the common weal.) Those who are just born into it and just want to continue it, bring a certain ambivalence. And signal it. They're always slouching toward victory.

No, Peggy, that's what happens when you bring new staffers on board. New politicians are never really new, just new to whatever office they've advanced themselves into by shallow things like campaigns — except for the rare exception like the new New Orleans Congressman Cao. I just get annoyed that all this subtext is still about Reagan. She's got a bigger hard-on for Reagan than practically anyone else in politics, and more than Condi has for Bush. Peggy should know from politicians bringing sycophants to Washington.

MOE: Yeah well there's the subtext, but this column is not about 1980. It is: Barack Obama —at least he's not a Clinton! Hillary Clinton — at least he's not a Kennedy! I wonder if Michelle Obama had a C-section? The answer to that question could really assist my struggle to decide how I/God feel about her character!

JASON: I am enjoying Dexter Filkins latest article on Afghanistan. The headline is fantastic. "Bribes Corrode Afghans’ Trust in Government." It's a total WOW HOW DID ALL OF THIS STUFF HAPPEN ACCOUNT.

Kept afloat by billions of dollars in American and other foreign aid, the government of Afghanistan is shot through with corruption and graft. From the lowliest traffic policeman to the family of President Hamid Karzai himself, the state built on the ruins of the Taliban government seven years ago now often seems to exist for little more than the enrichment of those who run it.

The system works!

SPENCER: Where have I read that story before?

MOE: I have skimmed the whole first page and there is no mention of erectile dysfunction. The Post wins.

KAY: This line is pretty awesome, though: "pharmaceutical enhancements for aging patriarchs with slumping libidos" Maybe they're slumping toward victory, er, an erection.

MEGAN: I mean, I don't think Viagra gives a man his libido back, as libido is sexual desire, no? It gives him back the ability to have an erection back, which if he didn't have a libido wouldn't be necessary anyway.

MOE: I think the ability to get an erection def affects a dude's libido. They're simple that way, etc. etc.

SPENCER: Not that Linkins and I would know, high-five.

JASON: HAHA. Give me another decade. In my family, our prostates are like ticking time bombs.

MOE: Oooooh I am a total prostate "expert" and my advice is: limit animal product intake, quit smoking, etc. etc. It is so cold I have almost personally quit smoking and I don't even have a prostate!

SPENCER: And speaking of. Notice the voice of defiance raised by Jim O'Bierne — husband of National Review's Kate — in opposition to the temerity shown by Barack Obama for staffing his own Pentagon. O'Beirne was so committed to quality public service that when he was in charge of hiring people for the occupation of Iraq he asked whether they voted for Al Gore and solicited their thoughts on Roe.

MEGAN: Oh, God, you know, I read about that memo earlier this week and I thought it seemed pretty fucking whiny for a political appointee to bitch to other political appointees that their tenure serving a partisan President would end with the inauguration of one with a different party, but I didn't realize that!

However, he said, if employees "harbor residual doubts" then they can "content yourself with the likelihood that it was your outstanding performance as a Bush appointee that drew the opposition's attention to you."

Yeah, the Bush Pentagon: a paragon of public service and outstanding bureaucratic performances.

SPENCER: For the last CH, answer this for me, will you? Why do you people read Peggy Noonan? You have singlehandedly doubled her readership by making her a staple of this feature. And for what? She's irrelevant.

MOE: I like her sentences. Tom Frank does too, he told me.

SPENCER: Namedropper.

MOE: She's not irrelevant. She's always the most-clicked shit on that shit.

MEGAN: She's Peggy! She's the right's answer to Maureen Dowd, and also far more readable than just about any major newspaper columnist who subscribes to a similar philosophy.

MOE: Reading Dowd is painful. Reading Noonan is fun!

KAY: Also shorter than Camille Paglia columns.

JASON: I think Peggy Noonan is widely read for her MAGICAL THINKING. And also because every column is like a puzzlebook, leading readers to the location of her secret stash of laudanum.

MEGAN: Man, I want to share in her secret stash of laudanum.

JASON: I will find it! It will be a mjor component of being fine in '09.

MEGAN: Also, in my head, when I typed "She's Peggy!" was a chorus of dancers doing jazz hands. So maybe I don't need the laudanum after all.

JASON: No. YOU NEED THE LAUDANUM.

MOE: Camile Paglia is too vicious. Noonan has a Maddow-esque gentleness to her. I like that in conservatives. And I wonder if I can get laudanum from this new doctor. I would say Peggy Noonan = interesting. Caroline ≠ interesting. Gaza ≠ interesting. Joseph Cao = interesting.

MEGAN: The Senate segeant-at-arms forcibly blocking Blago appointee Roland Burris from the floor of the Senate tomorrow = interesting.

MOE: Jenna Bush = interesting. Any other Bush ≠ not interesting. Zbignew Brzezinski absolutely fucking gold. His daughter = meh.

KAY: Also, as a total aside, this one about Barack Obama has to be one of the most obvious of 2009, "To Some Conservatives, Advisers Are Alarmingly Liberal." I think that's ≠ not interesting

SPENCER: How do you make that counterslash in your equals sign?

JASON: GOD ROLAND BURRIS IS THE BEST. And Bobby Rush! Spencer, you and Eli need to drop another verse.

SPENCER: I don't want to turn into Capitol Steps. That would be backslash-in-equals-sign interesting.

MEGAN: Roland Burris thinks the Senate will totally let him in anyway, because he's already found Peggy Noonan's laudanum stash and sipped deeply from the bottle.

JASON: They are writing a sequel to BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES in Chicago. Honestly, though? I'm not sure how the Senate keeps him out. I can't remember the name of the case that applies, but all the legal opinions I've read that run around it seem pretty sketchy to me.

MEGAN: I think they are trying to just keep him off the floor until they figure out something better to do. It's not like he can vote retroactively. So if they bar him from the floor long enough for Illinois to get its shit together and impeach Blago, sign up for a special election and whatever else, then he'll never really serve. I wonder if they can keep him out of office space? I'm assuming he'll end up in the basement at best, like Milton in Office Space

SPENCER: All of you read Courtney Love's MySpace blog, right? Did you notice that her new record didn't come out on schedule? The "head administrator of her MySpace" explains:

Courtney Love is a true artist, and as most true artist, the true artist simply communicates from within. That special place that Courtney holds so deep, especially for her fans is a really honest haven that exhibits skill, versatility, self-discipline, formal and conceptual rigor, and a commitment to excellence.

Sounds like Peggy Noonan.

MEGAN: Spencer, you have officially blown my mind with that comparison.

MOE: OMG if "edgy" "magazines" still existed one of them could have Peggy Noonan interview Courtney Love and Vice Versa. But I think Peggy Noonan is more like Gwen Stefani.

JASON: I'm going to think of "Doll Parts" whenever I read Noonan now.

SPENCER: Courtney apparently has "30 million dollars in sponsorships, "from a prominent feminine hygiene/menstrual company and a prominent tequila company" but I don't think Peggy Noonan has figured out how to monetize her column yet.

MEGAN: Tampons and tequila? That sounds like my Christmas week.

MOE: Yeah but Peggy doesn't exactly scream HYGIENE the way Courtney Love does

KAY: Wait, hygiene products want to advertise with Courtney Love? I guess she's a cautionary tale.

JASON: They need to bring about a merger between those two companies.

MEGAN: Dude, I would totally switch tampon brands for that shit. "Free bottle of alcohol with every box?" I would even start using OB and shoving that shit up in there with my fingers.

SPENCER: CL also has some unique observations this morning about the financial crisis:

Rob Jrs latent homosexuality its recieved psychiatric wisdom that anyone that homophobic AND Mysoginitsic, ( He roundhoused him after he told him0 my employee= that he worked for ME) is on some level a repressed homosexual,
so in terms of lawyers yes i have contacted a few m fron Civil Rights to Lititgation, id rather go deal with the mortgage fraud sitiuation wich has now grown to over 800,000,000 netted by the Estate Of Kurt Cobain and embezzled by a cospiracy of cpas , lawyer slash bankers and a few corrupt loan officers, look at Dovetail enterprises and all the dirty old south developement or David Sitt the Hasidic developer in Brooklyn in New York...

MOE: Oh hey look here guys do you think this means Israel has nukes?

MEGAN: Israel doesn't have nukes the way that Courtney Love doesn't have drugs.

JASON: But...I thought there was "Growing concern over Hamas’s new arsenal!"

MEGAN: Did Hamas steal the nukes that we all pretend Israel doesn't have?

SPENCER: Look, proportionality in warfare is a fundamentally anti-semetic concept. The Qassams are a kind of Chinese water torture.

MOE: Long sigh

But unless the current furious street protests spark a region-wide revolution that scares the wits out of Israel and its friends, Hamas will still face the same painful old choice of how to come to terms with an immensely more powerful and equally determined enemy.

KAY: Sigh, indeed.

SPENCER: Ah, the Economist's rhetorical style: pose a choice between two extremes that don't materialize on the ground and tsk-tsk the one that possesses the least establishment respectability. The "painful old choice" that Israel has to face is how to stop confusing metaphysical kind-changes — "crushing Hamas' will" — with military strategy while providing for the negotiated settlement with an increasingly radicalized Palestinian population, since that's the only path to sustainable security. Sorry for not being interesting this morning. And yes, it's true, the Economist is the least Jew-controlled of all major publications. But still.

JASON: In some cases, even observing the effects of warfare can be fundamentally anti-Semitic. And, let's all remember, those Palestinian kids deserve Sean Penn-like credit for their acting ability.

MOE: LOL today in anecodotnomic indicators: piggy banks "flying off shelves" (Ha ha ha the proverbial flying pigs!)

"People were very upfront about the need to save...the pig is very symbolic of that sentiment."

MEGAN: So did anyone else read about the Muslim family thrown off an Airtran flight for noticing that they were sitting really close to the engines? What, no flying big jokes about the AirTran employees and air marshalls?

JASON: I didn't know AirTran still flew! Weren't they relegated to the shitty terminal at National? I'd pull everyone off those planes, for their own safety. That airline is going to fuel much of the footage for DISCOVERY's new show "Destroyed in 30 Seconds" (which J.G. Ballard will masturbate to, furiously).

SPENCER: I didn't, but it's perfectly understandable, since despite months and years of careful reporting, if you read Marty Peretz's blog America is host to legions of Muslim terrorists, so what's the big deal?

SPENCER: My last two domestic flights have been AirTran, and as dismal as their National terminal is, I have found my flights affordable and comfortable. They've got a bad record?

JASON: Maybe I'm thinking of ATA! Or Braniff! I fly Braniff exclusively, on their tequila-and-feminine-napkins plan.

MOE: Oh…my…GOD. That said the only place I'd ever seen air marshals remove a passenger and interrogate him was REAGAN National. Also can we blame the terror war in part for decimating the Motown economy you think? Did anyone read the Weekly Standard cover story about Detroit on that note?

SPENCER: I couldn't get past "Detroit isn't in fact dead" on the coverline. Why bother creating a straw man if your heart's not into it?

MEGAN: With Obama coming into office, all the Weekly Standard writers hearts are broken! It's why this week's cover features a muscle-y flexing Uncle Sam and a story about lowering taxes, to give them all something to jerk off to.

SPENCER: Please! No Weekly Standard writers are closeted homosexuals! Where did you get that idea?

ALEX: [enters the room] Morning!

MEGAN: Look who the cat dragged in! Man, I hope you're at least hungover.

ANA MARIE: [enters the room]

MEGAN: Hey, Ana! I hope you're hungover, too

ANA MARIE: Not unless it's from cold medicine.

SPENCER: She's on that sizzurp

JASON: You need to keep sipping that stuff for the "fun" part to start.

MEGAN: We were just discussing how absolutely zero Weekly Standard writers are closeted homosexuals.

ANA MARIE: Well, now I guess that Tucker left... (kidding, Tucker!)

MOE: The Weekly Standard story actually turns into a Charlie LeDuff profile, which is kind of fun. And speaking of ha ha yeah don't tell Paul Wall drank ain't "fun."

MEGAN: Is cold medicine cheaper than alcohol by weight? Because I feel like a teeny, tiny bottle of it is like $6 or $8, and you can get booze for at least that price that, though crappy, certainly tastes better. Except for the grape stuff, that was awesome. The cherry flavored shit makes me want to gag.

JASON: I had friends who did it habitually, and none ended up working for Giuliani. I think that Boone's Farm more readily paved that path than the Tussin.

ALEX: I'm thinking salvia is responsible for the Fred Thompson "campaign" actually.

SPENCER: I used to entice hardcore kids in high school to get Tussed up, which created an interesting colloquy about whether cough medicine was straight-edge-acceptable.

ANA MARIE: I'm going to do an awesome segue now: SPEAKING OF GAGGING, what news have I missed this morning?

JASON: OOOH. I would love to see Fred Thompson star in a Salvia YouTube! Directed by Guy Maddin.

MOE: Okay I've gone back to read the Weekly Standard piece, which is a thrilling combination of "complete clip job hackery with no real point" and "kinda interesting." Message: Detroit totally sucks, but that is exactly what one of the nation's preeminent journalists loves about it!" LeDuff disses Tom Frank, which is stupid, but I think he probably doesn't read Tom Frank, and neither does anyone at the Weekly Standard because if they did they'd be working for Media Matters by now. Sorry if I killed the uh mizzzood up in here.

MEGAN: No, I'm sure we can crack a joke about which psychotropic the Weekly Standard writers take to make themselves completely not homosexual.

ANA MARIE: You have a lot of faith in awesome power of Tom Frank.

ALEX: THE BAFFLER WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

MOE: PAREENE? WTF dude?

SPENCER: Remember when Matt Labash was the next big thing? Why didn't he run off and become a blogger or something, rather than writing the same piece for 10 years?

JASON: Or just in the flexible standards at Media Matters.

ANA MARIE: The Baffler is how I met my husband, so you know, it changed MY LIFE. Your mileage may vary. FYI: Labash has the best job in journalism. I've talked to him through about a million different MSM pubs trying to lure him away and it boils down to this: He gets to write WHATEVER he wants and he makes decent money doing it. I would not leave that job either.

MEGAN: That would be kind of awesome, both the "money" part and the "WHATEVER I want" part.

SPENCER: So the-same-piece-for-ten-years is whatever he wants?

ANA MARIE: I don't think HE sees it as the same pieces. I paraphrase Steve Albini (who I think was talking about the Spinanes? some Pavementy knock-off and that trend in general) when he said, "hey, if you like grape jellybeans, go ahead and eat nothing but fucking grape jellybeans just don't ask me to tell you it's meat."

SPENCER: But isn't it, though? Conservative-leaning ironic detachment, color heavy, policy light, politics-as-absurdity, garnished with ironic machismo? And isn't that what P.J. O'Rourke wrote when he was funny 25 years ago? (I guess O'Rourke didn't do machismo of any sort but still.)

MOE: His Breakfast Table w. David Brooks actually changed my life back in 2000, and What's The Matter With Kansas actually narrated the philosophical conversions of several people I know, both IRL and anonymous total stranger internet bloggers but yeah I have a total TF hard-on, everyone knows this. I dated this one guy a few months ago who I think was actually kind of jealous. I think I would do him over Stephen Malkmus. Incidentally also a UVA alum. But not I do not imagine a reformed college Republican.

ALEX: Hah, the gratuitous Tom Frank swipe is preceded by a gratuitous Gawker swipe. Labash has all of our numbers. We don't care about poor black people in Detroit even though we PRETEND TO.

ANA MARIE: Labash is enjoying his grape jelly beans and being paid to eat them. To him each my have its own subtle symphony of flavors. It may strike you as unfair that he makes decent money for such a stunt, but I guess I just like grape jelly beans myself enough that it's not the thing I'm gonna criticize him for. And, of course, I'm jealous. At Suck, we got pegged as doing "snarkiness on autopilot" and, well, we weren't but ever since then I've thought that if I COULD do "snarkiness on autopilot," well, that would be a GREAT job.

MEGAN: I think if you can't snark on autopilot, you're trying to hard to snark.

SPENCER: I don't begrudge anyone for getting money, and certainly not during the death of journalism.

MEGAN: Anyway, Ana, to answer your initial question, there's no news to catch up on. Obama's election didn't tilt the universe off its axis, the economy still sucks, there's still fighting in the Middle East, crazy shit is going down in Congress that is all sound and fury signifying nothing. So this feature didn't change the world.

JASON: Moe's had some good prostate cancer advice, though!

MEGAN: Yes, I think once we had some good hangover advice, like eat egg sandwiches, take aspirin, drink water and mainline coffee. Anyway, so, I'm going to go code the shit out of this, making it somewhat coherent in time for my deadline. You guys were all awesome, thank you.

MOE:: Oh GAWKER MEDIA, think of all the CHANGE you might have incited had you not given away your politics blog to prove the point that politics doesn't sell on the internet, which like yeah it is not "nesting" but FREAKING NESTING IS WHY THIS DEPRESSION HAPPENED DUH.

JASON:: Bye Crappy hour!

SPENCER: Bye.

ANA MARIE: ::pouring some cough medicine on the floor::

JASON: Hopefully Jezebel will be labelled a "shovel ready infrastructure project" by the next admin.

ALEX: Oh I forgot that my one piece of important Senate recount news <— FAREWELL CRAPPY HOUR enjoy one last laugh at the expense of my home state, NEVER FORGET.


MOE: Now I feel a twinge of regret for not taking any speed today.

ANA MARIE:: We all picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue.

JASON: Oh. Did we agree to stop?

MEGAN: Who's stopping? I have an entire afternoon free now. Jason?

JASON: I do! Though I am hearing from another room the distinct sounds of a cat vomiting, so I had better tend to that.

ANA MARIE: I will see you all in what ever form Crappy Hour next takes, in this life or the next, because if it's first thing in the morning, it must be crappy.

• Governor Rod Blagojevich rammed his head more throughly up his ass and found someone to join him: former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris, who is Blago's new appointment to Barack Obama's Senate seat. [Washington Post]

• But the current Secretary of State Jesse White would have to certify the Burris appointment, which he's reportedly saying he won't do, which is good because there's basically maybe no other way to stop Burris from heading to the Senate.. [Politico]
• Obama ain't happy. [Politico]
• Neither are Senate Democrats in general, who plan to move to block the appointment however they can even if, like most things the Senate Democrats have done in the last decade, it is ultimately ineffective and all for show. [CNN]
• Political analysts all breathed a sigh of relief that they could finally stop talking about Gaza. [BBC News]
• That includes Joe Scarborough, who got the shit kicked out of him by co-host Mika Brzezinski's dad Zbigniew Brzezinski on the issue this morning. [Huffington Post]
• The Clintons will be watching the ball drop in Times Square, which basically just proves they aren't real New Yorkers. [Associated Press]
• Vicki Iseman, who the New York Times totally implied in a long article was fucking John McCain without any evidence is suing the shit out of everyone involved. [Wall Street Journal]
• Franken's up in the Minnesota recount by about the margin Nate Silver said he would be back in the day, so Franken will totally be seated as Senator before he has to run for re-election. Probably. [Huffington Post]

MOE: I wanted to enter on some funny note incorporating Sully's reax to Bristol Palin having a kid after all, but he has been posting pictures of people's windows. It doesn't look like he has posted actual content in days —- GAY.

MEGAN: Presumably he's on vacation? Besides, I'm sure he would be happy to argue that Tripp (my God, girl, seriously, the kid has to live with that name!) is her second kid anyway.

MOE: Seriously TRIPP EASTON MITCHELL?

MEGAN: She is selling the pictures of him for $300,000 to People, since Levi's mom got arrested and people started giving a shit again. Which is a nice start in life for two high school drop-outs, which I'm sure they won't squander at all.

MOE: Yes which I am sure they will both give to charity with Sarah Palin's outfits etc. etc.

MEGAN: Ha, there's no word that they are giving a dime of it to charity. I mean, I wouldn't, but I probably wouldn't sell pictures of my kid to People either.

MOE: How awesome would it be if they totally used part of the money on a Japanese light truck ? Oh please, 300 grand? Yes you fucking would.

MEGAN: Who are you kidding? Monster truck, baby, it's Alaska in the winter. Also, women in my family put on crazy baby weight, unless they would Photoshop me, I'd need $500,000, minimum.

MOE: You're not laid off enough yet lady.

MEGAN: One more day, and then I'll be on the phone with Christie Hefner pitching a "Women of the Blogosphere" spread, I know. I mean, that's obviously only if David Paterson goes with an actual politician instead of taking me up on yesterday's offer to fill Hillary Clinton's Senate seat.

MOE: This is not relevant, but I'm pretty sure she stepped down. She was on the CNBC the other day, because obviously Playboy is really important to our economy. Incidentally, um, Caroline Kennedy, why, sick of it, find a real candidate, etc. etc.

MEGAN: Hefner is stepping down in January, but she's remaining in a non-executive board position until they find a successor. Caroline Kennedy, Camelot, history of celebrity candidates in the state, anyone but Andrew Cuomo, Paterson not pleased by her campaign, etc.

MOE: Now here is a public servant I can relate to…why let hundreds of dead Palestinians ruin vacation? Ughhjesus. Speaking of, you're in town right?

MEGAN: I often vow not to allow breaking wars to interrupt my vacations, not that I've had one since September 2007. Yeah, I'm in Queens, watching Morning Joe and drinking coffee that my incredibly awesome friend actually brought up to me from the kitchen, Splenda and all. Yeah, Virginia, there is a caffeinated Crappy Hour going on.

MOE: Uh speak for yourself. I'm all true to the name today. Ran out of beans. Spent the morning fixing router. "Fixing." Anyway, slow news week, except I guess for all the "world events" like killings and reverse walks up the path to democracy and things. Did you discuss this guy yesterday?

MEGAN: No, we didn't get around to discussing the man that finally brought down Bill Jefferson, but he sounds kind of awesome. Catholic seminarian turned politician to enact social change as a Republican.

MOE: It's sort of an incredible story. My little sister's boyfriend is a teacher in New Orleans and my dad was trying to convince him to go work for this guy instead (although, from the sounds of his stories, seems like the district could use some good teachers.) He was an independent until recently. And not just a Catholic seminarian a JESUIT seminarian hello.

MEGAN: Well, obviously, are there that many other seminarians that go teach in Mexican slums? Plus I feel like crises of faith and quoting Kierkegaard is uniquely Jesuit.

"That's what happened to me in Mexico. I was working in extremely poor conditions, and I wanted to promote social change. I came to believe, over the course of two or three years, that the best way to do that would be to enter public office. It would also allow me to have a family — the celibate life can be quite lonely. So I drafted a course of action for myself to enter politics. But it was a quite painful discernment. It implied I would have to leave the seminary. I would have to start life over again. I would have to make that leap of faith."

MOE: He married his old catechism student! That seems similarly old-school. Anyway this guy and Bobby Jindal are the "faces of the new GOP" maybe. If that is the case Barack Obama has sure ushered in a lot of change already! How do you feel about the cabinet thus far?

MEGAN: I'm ok, I think Geithner stuck his foot in it with his comments about Sheila Bair not being a team player, but otherwise, it seems pretty good. Diversity, smart people, etc. No one really unacceptable. You?

MOE: Yeah ditto not like I've done that much research outside the Bair issue. I feel like we'll learn a lot more about all this beginning next week. Too bad this feature will be over. But won't your life be less shitty? (Uh, actually I can answer that: sort of.)

MEGAN: Well, I would rather still have a full-time job, even if it meant getting up early, reading all the news and then writing this thing for 90 minutes. It's not like a get to sleep in, even.

MOE: Sleeping in is weird, because you just sort of lose all that time. Oh the end of the Cao story is kind of sweet:

Barbara Lacen Keller is one of those black voters whom Cao will have to sway.

An activist in city politics for 40 years, she voted for Jefferson, her fellow church member, in part because he'd come through the Democratic ranks and knew what black residents needed, she says.

But she lives in east New Orleans, not far from Cao. The area is still one of the poorest in the region. There are power lines and the interstate in the distance. There are the little shopping centers where every store has a Vietnamese name. There are junkyards and transmission shops and Gill's Crane and Dozer Services.

"This is my city. I love it. I want it to have the best," she says. "I look at the disparity Joe's been able to overcome, to come to a country where he was totally lost and had to fend for himself. He had to learn the language and culture, not just in America, but in New Orleans, a place that's so unique. To come out as successful as he is, that says something."

MEGAN: Maybe recognizing the contributions of immigrants to our economy and country is coming back into vogue? That would be nice. And the thing I like about sleeping in is losing time. It's like the oblivion of drinking heavily, but without the headache or dehydration.

MOE: Right and the best thing is how you can put off the inevitable headache and dehydration! So, like, should we talk about how we did not contribute to the economic activity this holiday season and how we don't feel bad about that assuming you don't? Because Bristolspawn is still like the biggest headline I can find.

MEGAN: Well, I don't feel terrible about spending less on Christmas what with the whole "need my money to pay my mortgage" thing in January, but I didn't fail to buy any presents. I just shopped a lot at Target, book stores and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Oh, and Sears. I also bought myself a sweater at Target ($12) and a T shirt at Old Nacy ($5) and a bottle of wine ($13).

MOE: Other than how much I hate people other than SamRon who look good in white jeans Sasha effing Obama

MEGAN: I feel like a combination of the red clay in the DC area and a puppy will end the era of white jeans for Sasha, have no fear. And no one will be buying clothes that aren't durable during the recession unless they are SamRon, so I think you won't have to worry about feeling obligated. I think it's all about dark jeans, black sweaters and grey T-shirts for the recession fashionista, so you'll be one of the most stylish women I know.

MOE: Yeah I bought books.. Like I bought the memoir about that pregnant "man" Labor of Love for my sister. and a book about St. Augustine and the Jews for my dad. And 2666 for my sister. I decorated them with Sarah Palin paper dolls and that was pretty much it. A new national savior was our Xmas gift!

MEGAN: I got a Sacco and Venzetti book for my brother-in-law and a oral history of early baseball for my grandpa, two mysteries for my dad plus a scifi novel he wanted because I'd borrowed it from my friend Eric, who had forgotten that he loaned it to me and picked up another copy at a used bookstore for a quarter, so he gifted his original copy to me and I gave it to my dad, who finally forgave Eric for picking me up for a date in high school in a puke green Gremlin with the license plate "Tailgunnr".

MOE: Haha dude Levi Johnston is taking notes right now. I'm reading a story about farming, and how it is not as profitable as it was when commodity prices were high (duh) and the subject is talking about how he used to assume he would make more money if he went back to banking, but then the ethanol subsidies came, and then there's like, this sidebar on Ethiopia, and you're left thinking, "First World Problems," but I'm not sure if that's partially because the guy looks like someone who could stand to lay off the HF corn syrup sigh. Wait also Rick Warren is a Melissa Etheridge fan? I am going to think about that when I go back to bed Love Me See you tomorrow. I will in the meantime try to determine what all to say about Ehud Barak and all that.

JASON: Hey!

MEGAN: Mornin', starshine.

JASON: Yes. The earth says hello. I am so fucking tired from the holidays. At some point, yesterday night, I hit the wall.

MEGAN: I'm tired from all the drinking I've done since the end of 'em.

JASON: Erin Burnett is on teevee right now, and she needs to run her hands through her hair. She's got a rogue tendril.

MEGAN: She has such generally pretty hair.

JASON: She also needs to learn what tweed is.

MEGAN: I think tweed is something you don't wear on TV, no?

JASON: I can definitely see the appeal now, in turning Crappy Hour into one big, Let's All Watch Morning Joe Together celebration. I wouldn't wear tweed on teevee. But I wouldn't wear tweed anywhere.

MEGAN: Well, I feel like I learned that tight patterns like that end up looking wonky, but maybe they don't in HD? Not that I have HD. But I do have tweed.

JASON: So, is this thing on? Are we Crappy Houring, even as we speak? Should I say something societally relevant? Because it's getting pretty HECTIC out there, isn't it?

MEGAN: We could say something relevant, but then there would have to be something relevant going on.

JASON: Well, I speak of the goings on in the Holy Land. I think that Rick Warren needs to go to Israel, and unite everyone!

MEGAN: And, see, I thought you were talking about the furor over Chip Saltsman and his CD featuring "Barack The Magic Negro". Gaza is probably more important .

JASON: Jesus. Chip Saltzman, humorist. Bringing back the Algonquin Round Table, is he.

MEGAN: But now that Peter, of Peter, Paul and Mary has spoken out against it, I'm sure everyone will totally stop talking about it.

JASON: Honestly? Those words I typed just now? That's the first time I've talked about it.

MEGAN: Was it appropriately cathartic?

JASON: I mean, how do you solve a problem like Chip Saltzman? Honestly? You know, better people than him have hung themselves with their words. Sometimes I think about the day where maybe I go too far. There's a part of me that wants to be in a place where you're writing on the razor's edge, but chastened by the need to know where that line is, and I allow myself to think, for a second, "Well, you know, one slip, and maybe I end up where a guy like Chip Saltzman is." And then I stop and realize that the very fact that I entertain these thoughts, indeed, ANY THOUGHTS AT ALL...the very fact that right now ACTUAL BRAIN CHEMISTRY IS PHYSIOLOGICALLY OCCURRING IN MY SKULL...THAT'S what separates me from people like Chip Saltzman.

MEGAN: Well, I mean, his medulla oblongata has to be functioning for him to breathe, but I'm sure it takes some time and effort for him and, on behalf of those of us that use other parts of our brains for things other than keeping our skulls from collapsing, I'd invite him to not worry too hard about putting that much effort into it.

JASON: I think that Malcolm Gladwell needs to write the obvious follow-up to OUTLIERS. Instead of a book about extraordinary minds, someone needs to do an academic study of imbeciles. The book can be called DUMBASSES. In fact, fuck Malcolm Gladwell. Okay? That can be OUR book. Call your literary agent. The first chapter of DUMBASSES can be a profile of whoever it is that's allowing Malcolm Gladwell to go out in public with that goddamn haircut. Is he not paying attention to what's going on with Phil Spector?

MEGAN: Is Phil Spector paying attention to what's going on with Phil Spector?

JASON: Probably not.

MEGAN: Anyway, back to the news that Israel is bombing Gaza again. Does it strike you that, like with Pakistan, they seem to be pulling this shit because Bush is lame ducking it up and Change isn't in office yet so they don't have to be good? And then do you say to yourself, wow, I just compared Israel and Pakistan and that's probably not a good thing for Israel?

JASON: I think you are pretty spot on, there. I mean, Joe Biden warned everyone! These are those tests. And I seem to recall that the second Intifada coincided with our last Presidential handover. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course. You know, I'm Crappy Houring without a net, here! Mere steps from singing an addled song, about racism! BUT! More to the point, I love the NEW YORK TIMES headline today, "Obama Defers to Bush, for Now, on Gaza Crisis." Just in case anyone expected Obama to, you know, SEIZE POWER. What's funny is that all of Obama's deference is a rare example of a prominent American actually making the bold suggestion that Bush start taking his Presidency seriously!

MEGAN: Maybe since he's like the Middle East Manchurian candidate from Muslimastan or whatever those countries over there are called, the Israeli bombing of Gaza was actually designed to give him a way to illegally seize the reins of political power and thus allow the Jews to control the country only he's an Arab and it's really harder than the crazies make it look to come up with semi-coherent conspiracy theories on the fly, which is I guess why they are reduced to making racist parodies of children's songs about pot smoking.

JASON: Condi Rice, for example, has drawn the short straw in selling the Bush legacy. This weekend, she said something to the effect that a President cannot make decisions based on short term newspaper headlines. Rather, they have to consider how history will remember the decisions. My position is this: HEY! FUCKTARD! Why don't you...I don't know...SPLIT THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE MAYBE?

MEGAN: Um, really? Did President Bush decide to mislead the country to war with Iraq because he honestly thought that history's judgment was that it would be all okay? Or because he figured no one would notice? Actually, speaking of how no one would notice, the Israeli government declared Gaza a closed military zone in advance of its likely ground war there which means reporters can't get near it but they aren't trying to hide anything, they swear.

A military spokeswoman, Maj. Avital Leibovich, said the closed zone around Gaza had mostly to do with concerns of safety. She said the military had information that Hamas may employ either suicide bombers or more powerful missiles from the border area and it wanted to clear the area. She said she was sure journalists would be permitted to return.

“No one is trying to hide anything,” she said.

You know, in case you were worried that the restrictions on press coverage of a war [cough, Iraq and Afghanistan, cough] would mean people would get less upset about it. They're not trying to hide anything! Trust them!

JASON: Well, as we've learned from Jenin, reporters have to be careful what they even observe! If you see the wrong thing, you could be an anti-Semite! Best to be like Marty Peretz, dancing on the graves of children who died before they had a goddamn choice, grabbing up tight on his chub and exclaiming, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR FUCKING WITH US!"

MEGAN: And even when he grabs up tight on his chub, he's got three extra fingers to gesticulate wildly with.

JASON: Ha. Exactly. There's so much to hate about the entire situation. The partners range from bad to worse. When Hamas isn't terrorizing Israel, they're terrorizing their own. We're heavily invested in this peace process, and for a long time now, we've been upside down on our investment. We can't seem to elevate anyone, anywhere, on either side that's interested in ending this brutality. And I am pretty sure I won't live to see the end of this. I'm pretty sure I won't live to see the end of our involvement in this. There are plenty of days when I think it's Gordian's Knot time.

MEGAN: I actually think that the lack of substantive attention paid to Israel and Palestine as well as their initial divestment of attention to North Korea's nuclear ambitions will be ranked by history as two of this Administrations biggest foreign policy blunders, to go back to Condi's point about how they won't be pushed by headlines, though the Iraq war gets more press (and Administration) attention.

JASON: I think that's a pretty good point. In the former case, the Bush administration poured some effort into ACTIVITY. Like: "Hey! Maybe we need to do some busy-work on the Israeli peace process." They knew that all that irrelevant activity would get treated as achievement by the press. On the North Korea front, I am always struck by how quickly they played politics with the matter. "Yeah! But Madeleine Albright didn't solve the problem either!"

MEGAN: Anyway, while we're at this, we should probably mention Caroline Kennedy's New York Times interview, in which she insulted their reporters by asking if they worked for women's magazines.

But when asked Saturday morning to describe the moment she decided to seek the Senate seat, Ms. Kennedy seemed irritated by the question and said she couldn’t recall.

“Have you guys ever thought about writing for, like, a woman’s magazine or something?” she asked the reporters. “I thought you were the crack political team.”

Actually, I worked for the blog of a women's magazine for, like, 9 months — Glamour, you'll recall — and my editors there were, to a woman, incredibly smart, extremely nice and plenty politically aware.

JASON: I wonder what would happen if she answered that question honestly. "Oh, well, I was advised that I could easily obtain the seat, and the opportunity it presented, relative to the difficulty of obtaining it, had a lot of appeal!" It's a little hilarious how this has turned into some sort of a campaign. I mean, David Patterson could appoint Spitzer's hooker-booker to the seat! And I'd support that! She's a UVa. English major, and our department could always use some prominent graduates. And let's face it, most UVa. English majors could do a lot worse than becoming a booker for a high-priced call girl agency.

MEGAN: English majors, I think, have more skills than, say, people who double-majored in German lit and Sociology, which is why you are a full-time blogger and I am about to only be part-time. But, I did grow up in upstate New York, would happily pretend to move back and know enough about politics to not be bitchy to reporters at the New York Times. So I am officially declaring my intention to start a campaign to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. I'll even let Chuck Schumer hog the spotlight.

JASON: I think that Caroline Kennedy's suffered from a little bit of cart-before-the-horse-itis, and a little bit of a press seizing the opportunity to zero the balance with everyone who thought they were too hard on Sarah Palin. At the same time, Kennedy's been shown to be really unprepared for this limelight, and she's leaving poor impressions. She's not made a slam-dunk case for herself, but, honestly, you still cannot look at her and say, "Oh, yeah, she'd be a terrible U.S. Senator...she'd fuck things up royally." I think the lesson here is that sometimes, everyone in the room is a little bit wrong. It's like Israel-Palestine, only fewer people will die in airstrikes.

MEGAN: It's the Senate. What can you really fuck up? The whole point is that you can't ever get anything done and then you die in office.

JASON: Right. I mean, for Robert Byrd, the Senate is just a fancy-ass hospice.

MEGAN: I don't need to think about Robert Byrd's fancy ass.

JASON: Your future New York constituents would be pleased by that.

MEGAN: It's a large part of my platform.

MOE: Okay, so here's a dumb question. When North Korean scientists visit Damascus to give them tips on the whole plutonium thing, what language do they use? There are probably a hundred different little cultural misunderstandings on those surveillance tapes that would make for an amusing screwball comedy.

MEGAN: Wanna bet they use English? The official language of nuclear proliferators since 1945!
MOE: Do you think they'd make it that easy on the spies? What if they used Latin?
MEGAN: Then the Pope would have to translate for us! He's into non-proliferation, since the only things he wants to see proliferate are Catholic babies.
MEGAN: Pig Latin, though, that might be hard.
MOE: Okay so maybe I should explain to readers that you are in my house and we are looking at the New York Post and trying to figure out whether we care about the Spitzer hooker scandal. I'm going with "no."

MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, without more details then liked to incorporate sex toys, I don't really care enough to speculate.
MOE: I don't even get what the story is other than his "fondness for hookers" was "corroborated" by a second hooker. Haven't we gotten this story corroborated by like 29 hookers at this point? Aren't we pretty much secure in the knowledge that Eliot Spitzer fucked whores? Yes.
MEGAN: I mean, but maybe he liked big dildoes shoved up his ass. Maybe, like most men, he liked to watch them masturbate? I dunno, I guess we just all like to watch something, and somehow people think hearing more about Eliot Spitzer nekkid and fucking is salacious.
MOE: I am sooooo over it it is like the porn you used to love that never does the trick anymore and you just can't get back the magic, no matter how desperate and/or drunk, except it involves Eliot Spitzer so ICK.
MOE: So I wanted to spend the day talking about Israel actually.
MEGAN: I mean, it's slightly less gross than a Normal Mailer sex memoir, but either's a bonerkiller.
MEGAN: Oh, ok. Israel. Um, I hear it's nice and wedding dresses are expensive there.
MOE: And the secret agreement they apparently had with Bush, on the basis of a letter Bush sent Sharon in 2004. I think the letter said something like "well you are there, and uh, you have nukes, so...what about we pretend we never had this conversation? Look, I already forgot!"
MEGAN: This doesn't surprise me, somehow.
MOE: Colin Powell emailed the Post saying he never saw the letter.

MOE: Also, I love this idea:
MOE:

Weissglas said that in 2005, when Sharon was poised to remove settlers from Gaza, the Bush administration made a secret agreement — not disclosed to the Palestinians — that Israel could add homes in settlements it expected to keep, as long as the construction was dictated by market demand, not subsidies.

MOE: Oooh that's a good thought: also, where can I buy some distressed collateralized debt obligation containing some of the securities backed by Gaza mortgages now that we have this news? Kidding, I guess it's still a kind of a shady investment, huh. Better to invest in the kid supplying ammo to the Afghan counterinsurgency, no duh. But yeah, seriously, this isn't about Gaza, it was about other settlements I think? To sweeten the whole "get out of Gaza" deal? Don't you wish reparations would work on these guys? Come back to America, folks! We've got your housing!
MEGAN: But you can't grow olive trees pretty much anywhere but California... luckily, Stockton has a ton of foreclosures.
MOE: Between Condi and Colin Powell and Bush and the ambassador to Israel and Jimmy Carter it sure seems like America is the land of numerous conflicting Israel policies you know?
MEGAN: Wait, we're supposed to have one Israel policy? Other than "support at all costs regardless"?
MOE: Wouldn't it be cool if Obama gave a sort of "race speech," only in Jerusalem? Too bad he doesn't have any Jews in his family to "throw under the bus" for a good cause, so to speak. Oh wait, he probably does.
MOE: Still, it's kind of complicated once you go over there and realize there is really no basic uniting "all men created equal" business.
MEGAN: Not that such shit works here either.
MOE: Yeah but when you say such a thing in a speech it doesn't sound like you're necessarily on Ecstasy. Which by the way the Israelis control the trade of. (WHY DON'T THEY USE IT.)
MEGAN: Wait, so ecstasy is made in Israel? Did you know we have a free trade agreement with them?
MOE: No actually I didn't know that. It never occurred to me actually. I don't spend nearly enough time thinking about trade negotiations. When's that date back to? What's their big export, besides Dead Sea salt scrubs and such? I'm such a dumbass.
MEGAN: It's more than 20 years old, actually!
MOE: I think I noticed that the Dead Sea salt scrubs were not really any cheaper over there than they are here but then I figured that QVC was a much bigger purchaser of such things than the Massadah Duty Free Shop and attributed it to that.
MEGAN: I could use a good salt scrub right now, actually.
MOE: There's some in the shower!
MEGAN: Hooray! I need one of those too.
MEGAN: So, the Israeli FTA is older than NAFTA, and doesn't have labor or environmental provisions but I'll bet neither Clinton or Obama wants to renegotiate that one.
MOE: Does it say anything about employment discrimination? Anyway. I guess we should quickly address the election. I mean...peace in the Middle East...not like we're going to get much clarity on this topic! Oh, you know what I decided would be funny? If the Syrians and the North Koreans decided to find an obscure language with which to communicate their nuclear plans and they randomly chose Yiddish.
MEGAN: Which is also really similar to German.
MOE: And somehow no one in all of Mossad knew what they were saying and they had to get some guy with a giant furry hat to translate and he purposely fucked up the translation and...I don't know. ELECTION.
MEGAN: Right, election.
MOE: Today is the day that all the columnists come out and say HILLARY CAME BACK, OMG, OBAMA'S LOSING STEAM, HE CAN'T WIN, SHE'S CAPTURED THE HEARTS OF THE DEMOCRATIC ELECTORATE, SHE'S SO MUCH BETTER AGAINST MCCAIN I'm totally over it. I wasn't at all surprised by her margin in Pennsylvania, and neither was anyone, and I'm happy for her that she raised some money on this "momentum" but I'm sad for America because this is getting ridiculous.
MOE: It's all Karl Rove to me.
MEGAN: I mean, I think pundits have to keep filling space and controversy makes for good space. On the other hand, she's still losing the delegate race and the popular vote race and even if she counts Florida she's not ahead, soo... Now, if he loses NC and Indiana, then he's fucked.