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Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"

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badmutha
10/30/09

In reply to The Parent Trap
Oscar Milde, the antithesis of Oscar Wilde. #gaykids
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The Queen of No
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
My ex is gay. We were together for 5 years. He didn't know he was gay until after we broke up. Other people suspected, but he had no idea. His two closest friends, including myself, had no idea either. He said it was never an option for him growing up, he's just by default straight, of course!
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NoelleFelange
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
If these kids were expressing heterosexual interests at this age, this article wouldn't exist.
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tobesthewonderdog
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
i started having crushes as early as kindergarten, as i'm sure many people did. are these people kidding with middle school being too young to know you "like like" someone of either gender?
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Remedios Varo can't see no huevos.
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
I didn't come out to myself until I was 16, and it wasn't until a few years after that that I realized I had always known I was different from the other girls. I just had no way to verbalize it until I was a teenager.
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dialing_footnoterphone
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
This is a hard one for me because I was one of those kids who came to the all-too-shocking "gay" realization in middle school. With that experience, I don't think it's a sex thing, it's merely finding some skin to fit into that feels right.

That being said, my 11 year old son is so asexual right now, and we're constantly wondering what he'll emerge as. Do I care if he's gay like us or straight? Not really, I just want him to be happy and comfortable in his own skin, like I am.
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missteenwordpower
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
Does it really matter if they know "for sure"? Shouldn't we respect other people's self-definitions (even if we don't really *believe* them) AND the fact that they may change? Even if a girl's ultimate long-term relationships ('cause these are the "valid" ones?) are with men, that hardly means an interest in women she's experiencing should remain unaddressed. I don't think we get to skip big personal development steps like this, and I don't think we should have to, just because they're confusing for others.
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Her Grace: SNOWED IN
09/24/09

@missteenwordpower: Thank you. I only admitted to crushes on boys at the time, but that didn't mean I wasn't having crushes on girls, too. If my school had been more accepting, I might have come out much earlier, rather than at 19.
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karenbme
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
I identify as bisexual, and sometimes I wonder if it's only because I've been socialized to be interested in guys. I can remember being attracted to women LONG before I was attracted to men. In fact I had my first crush in fifth grade (normal right?) on a girl. The first time I was interested in a guy was almost 4 years later.

Growing up the early 90s I didn't have a name for what I was experiencing, or a model for anything other than heterosexual relationships. I'm glad that kids today are starting to have that, so that homosexual crushes aren't something to be scared of, or at least no more than heterosexual crushes. ;)
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Kirkat
09/24/09

@karenbme: I identified as bisexual when I met my boyfriend as I had previously only been interested in girls. I'm still with him but have realised that since he is the only man I have ever fancied, I think I'm actually a lesbian. I'm still attracted to him, but every other man on the planet does nothing for me. However, practically every other woman I see does do something for me. I think that I'm a lesbian because one man out of the 3 billion or so can't make me bi, though I know some people will say I must be bi because I'm with him. Personally I think he has very feminie features but I've never told him that, he does know I consider myself a lesbian though. I know this sounds weird, I can find very little information on women in my situation.
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boxspelunker
09/24/09

@Kirkat: One of my best friends is just like you! She identifies as lesbian, but was attracted to just one man. They dated briefly and had a surprise kid. They broke up and now she dates women only. She knows what she wants, and he understands.
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Her Grace: SNOWED IN
09/24/09

@Kirkat: I don't think this is uncommon. Even Dan Savage has said there is one woman for whom he'd "go straight"--and if you've ever read his sex advice column, you'd know how he feels about vaginas.

Many straight women say that they'd date a woman for THAT woman (usually it's Angelina Jolie I hear referenced), so why can't people who are queer have the same sort of experience? It's lovely you happen to know your THAT guy and can date him.
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Kirkat
09/25/09

@All: You probably won't see this, but thanks. I was half expecting the response I found somewhere else which was: "You're gay, you don't really love that man, you're just pretending." It's nice to know there are other me's out there somewhere.
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billybobnyc
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
Mom, at Christmas: "So, how do you know you are really gay?(Lleans forward and whispers) "Have you ever had sex with a woman?"

Me: "MOM, HAVE YOU?????!!!"

End of conversation.
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sequined
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
I thought I was asexual until middle school. I heard other kids gushing about boys and crushes and blah blah, and I was just totally meh about it. Didn't have those hormones yet, I guess.

I actually pretended to have crushes in grade school, just because everyone else did.

But then, around age 13, I "discovered" boys. So I guess, moral of the story, I do understand some parents being skeptical of very young kids being so certain of their sexuality, especially if they also remember being curious or unsure during their developmental years (experimenting in college or whatever), but I don't think most people take "coming out" lightly, no matter how old they are.

So, there is my wishy washy response.
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Ultraprison!
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
My friends who came out often joked that they were the "last ones to know" that they were gay. One guy never even formally came out to anyone. He just started dating a guy and was like, "yeah, that's my boyfriend."

My best friend was afraid of what his parents would think. He says he used to drive alone in his car and say "I'm gay. I'm gay." to himself, just to practice. He finally came out... four days before he left for college. To his credit, it did give them some time to cool off.
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BAngieB
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
I don't think 12 year olds need to be worrying about sex. Period.
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Gonkette
09/24/09

@BAngieB: Half the point here is that sexuality and attraction isn't necessarily about sexual intercourse?
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mama_t
09/24/09

@BAngieB: Um - they should be be worrying about sexual attraction - like we all did at that age. Holding hands, "liking" a boy or girl, kissing - even when it's chaste is all a part of sexual attraction.
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LawFairy
09/24/09

@BAngieB: "Worrying about" sex and having it are light years different. Pretending away feelings and desires that are going to be there no matter what never helped anyone, gay or straight.
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karenbme
09/24/09

@BAngieB: It's not about sex, it's about who you're interested in. People start becoming aware of those sorts of feelings in elementary and middle school. It's not about intercourse, it's about staying up late at a sleep overs and talking about who you think is cute, or holding hands at a school dance.
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colormeroutine
09/24/09

@BAngieB: Little kid crushes are developmentally important. They're practicing for grown-up things
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LadyNo Fondles Sweaters
09/24/09

@karenbme: I was just discussing this with a coworker, her 11 year old son asked how a character on TV could come out if they hadn't had sex yet. Good question. Her response what "You know when you think a girl at school is pretty? The same thing that makes you find her attractive makes a gay kid know he's attracted to boys."

I thought that was a very smart answer.
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Zombie Ms. Skittles
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
In high school, my very best friend came out privately to his friends and family. One day, we got to talking about it and he talked about how a friend had asked how he could know he was gay if he'd never had sex with a girl. His response was: How can you know you're straight if you've never had sex with someone of the same gender?
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clevernamehere
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
When I was 7 or 8, I told my best friend I wanted to marry her. Some well meaning parents would take that as a sign I was a lesbian, but I wasn't thinking about sex when I said it.

I also know a few people in high school who identified as bi-mostly-gay but have grown up to be either bi-mostly-straight or plain old straight.

If kids identify as gay, fine, but I tend to think we shouldn't take it as 100% stable definition. Sex and attraction can be confusing for kids.
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Azarnes
09/24/09

@clevernamehere: Only for the queer kids, but the straight kids are both right about themselves and entitled to self definition?
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clevernamehere
09/24/09

@Azarnes: I never had a conversation about anyone's straightness in high school or college.

I've had a few friends come out post-college and I've never been fazed by it. I was much more shocked by the no longer gay folks. I think kids need more room to explore without it being seen as a permanent decision.
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Kilotwat
09/24/09

In reply to Gay Kids Coming Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"
An anecdote from the other end:

My pal is 29, gay and never came out to his parents. The last bit puzzled me, because his parents are ultra-liberal and repeatedly demonstrated that they're down with the gays. So one day I asked him, "friend, why not make with the outage? You know your parents won't mind". My friend say, "oh I know they'll be OK with it. That's the problem! If I tell them I'm gay, they'll probably insist on taking me to parades, PFLAG, setting me up on dates and buying me sex toys". Knowing his parents, I had to concede that he was absolutely right.
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