They can say whatever
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever,
Yup, you know this.
These are the opening lines to "Hard." And the images we see in the beginning of the clip are of Rihanna in military gear. She wears a helmet — the function of which is to protect. She is also dressed as a sergeant, or some kind of ranking officer, addressing her (all male) troops.

For a woman who was beaten by a man, taking on war imagery and a position of power over men makes perfect sense.

In addition to her helmet, she wears a flesh-colored top with the nipples blacked out. On the one hand, there's only so much nudity you can get away with. But this could also be an acknowledgment of the boundaries she is setting: You can see this much, but you can't see everything. It's a tease — putting her, again, in a position of power. She chooses how much you can see.

Images of Rihanna walking through a literal battlefield not only mirror the minefield of her relationship with Chris Brown, but the dangerous territory of being in the public eye, with "bombs" about your private life dropping all around you. The lyrics here are:
I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
Goin' til they say stop
She's not afraid to forge ahead (or she wants you to think she is). The lyrics continue:
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here
No fear
And while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
It's as though she has picked herself up, dusted herself off, and realized her self-worth. She knows she is too special to let anything stop her. While we might be "crying" over her assault, she's busy getting back to — or keeping up with — the business of being fabulous.

The "stay away" spikes and warrior make-up hammer the point home.

And then there's a gun. Rihanna got a gun tattoo in March; she was assaulted in early February. Was the former a reaction to the latter? Some commenters on this site called the tattoo "advocating violence," "sad" and "misguided" and wondered if she didn't have any positive role models. Others noted that we don't actually know the significance of her gun tattoo and what it means to her. One commenter pointed out: "People get tattoos for all sorts of reasons and I think 'helping me get through a tough part of my life' is a pretty good one."

If you see a tattoo as a visual marker of a dream or ideal, her desire to be seen as a weapon — dangerous and to be handled with respect — makes a lot of sense. And firing off a machine gun in the video has the same effect; she is telegraphing a warning and taking a stance — refusing to be portrayed as a victim, but instead, the opposite.

On this rampart in the battlefield, she is the only one without a weapon. Either she is the weapon, or her army's one mission is to defend her. Or both.

Playing games with the other (lower-ranking) soldiers, Rihanna, of course, holds all the cards. At every turn, she feels the need to remind us that she is a winner.

Rihanna made this "small" gesture when she sang "Hard" on Good Morning America in November; our brother site Gawker called it "The last word on Chris Brown." She did it again when she was on SNL. The lyrics here are:
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got.
Insulting Chris Brown's penis size and therefore his manhood may seem like a cheap shot, but it's her prerogative. And she's making it clear that she's taking no prisoners.

The styling here — Mickey Mouse-eared helmet, paired with bandoliers — seems to say, I'm fun, not that you want to fuck with me. It's basically the driving theme of the entire video.

The tank, I think, is a misstep. It reads as penis envy — and maybe the smaller guns do, too, but a big pink phallus between her legs dilutes her message. Because if this song is about a woman declaring her strength and sexuality, she shouldn't need a cocked and loaded dick replacement to do it.

On the other hand: If someone like 50 cent made a video in which he was half-dressed and toting guns, would we accuse him of using phallic symbols? Or would we simply view it as being about power?

Toward the end of the clip, Rihanna waves a flag, declaring that she has conquered her territory. For someone who has spent the year being identified as a victim, this seems like a way for her to take back and reshape her identity.

She recently did an overtly sexual shoot for GQ, and she is topless on the cover of the magazine. Some people made comments like "I'm losing interest." But Rihanna's strategy — the manner in which she is maneuvering through this year is very interesting: She doesn't want to be someone you beat up and throw away. She doesn't want to be a victim. But she doesn't want to have to be a "good girl," either.

On the GQ photo thread, one comment read, "She makes boring pop music and boringly shows off her boobs. I fail to see what's new here?" Perhaps "new" is not the point. Or what's "new" is that she was beaten to a pulp and is moving forward the only way she knows how. Someone else wrote: "All of this Rihanna sexification as of late makes me think she's trying to reclaim a sense of power after the whole Chris Brown debacle. I think she's a beautiful and talented woman, but there has to be a better way for her to demonstrate her strength instead of just posing nude and making provocative comments in every interview." Maybe there is a "better" way, but maybe this is the way that feels right for her? When she hit the scene, she was a clean-cut, long-haired 17-year-old "Island girl," but that was mostly who her record label wanted her to be. In November, she told The New York Times:

Her appearance, down to her lipstick color, was monitored by the label, she said. "I was like, ‘What do you mean, I can't cut my hair? It has to be long and blond, like every other female singer in the game? No, I'm not doing that.' "

Is it any wonder her third album was called Good Girl Gone Bad? It's always tricky to channel and manage the feelings and urges one has when transitioning from a teenager to a fully-grown adult. To do it when you are a product/pawn in a capitalist/corporate structure must be even harder. As one commenter in the GQ thread put it: "…This is the way that works best for her so I'll support her on it. Taking control of her body (getting tattoos, posing nude, etc.) is probably empowering to her after being under Chris Brown's domineering thumb for so long. I think she feels powerful by being able to make these choices and decisions regarding her body."

Love it or hate it, she's doing it her way. As "Hard" goes:
And I want it all…
… I need it all
The money
The fame
The cars
The clothes
I can't just let you run up on me like that…
Right now, she's all about not letting anyone take anything away from her. But she's only 21, and she's had a tough year. Who knows what message she'll want to send next year, or in five years?

This morning Maggie Gyllenhaal was on the Today show. She said — and I'm paraphrasing — "In my 20s i felt like I had to be so strong, and that to seem strong was the most important thing." Now she is 32 and says, "Now I see that being vulnerable and open and emotional takes so much more strength." Maybe given time and perspective, Rihanna will be in a similar place?

Rihanna — Hard [MTV.com]
Rihanna: ‘Hard' Video World Premiere! [JustJared]
"Hard" Lyrics [Rihanna Now]
Rihanna: Fiercely Introspective [NY Times]
Related: Rihanna Goes Topless For GQ's January 2010 Issue

Will the choice of cover subjects on fashion magazines matter as much in the next decade? Probably not, not with every other medium, new and yet-to-be-invented, competing to give readers fresh images of the stars, and with all magazines struggling to survive the death of their business model. But in a decade that arguably saw the peak of their power (at least if you measure by circulation), the covers of Vogue, Elle, InStyle, Marie Claire, Harper's Bazaar, Lucky, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and, until 2007, Jane were benchmarks of what was considered beautiful, relatable, and most of all, saleable. With the exception of top 15 runners-up Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss, models were replaced by actresses. The key to winning this particular contest: longevity and versatility, with long-running romantic woes providing a possible alternative. Unless, of course, you're Gwyneth Paltrow or Nicole Kidman. Then your total is skewed by four to five Vogue covers.


15. Keira Knightley (12) (tied with Britney Spears)
Sexyface and exquisite bone-structure make a potent combination. But with the exception of Knightley's three Vogue covers in four years, women's magazines seemed to be constantly trying to find the cozier side of Knightley's clavicles.


14. Britney Spears (12) (tied with Keira Knightley)
Spears wasn't always a women's magazine mainstay, and even less so a fashion one, but the end of the decade saw her graduating from Rolling Stone peek-a-boo to relatable features about being a mom, including two covers of her pregnant. That, plus standing up her interviewer.


13. Sandra Bullock (13) (tied with Scarlett Johansson)
The endlessly likable Bullock isn't flashy. She transitioned better from a tomboy rep to a ballgown than to Cosmo's enforced sultriness. This was another turtle-and-hare-style, consistent player.


12. Scarlett Johansson (13) (tied with Sandra Bullock)
Although her men's magazine covers were unfailingly titillating, women's magazines vacillated between presenting Scarlett Johansson as the girl next door or showing off her curves.


11. Halle Berry (14)
Let us consider it some type of progress that the era of "Halle Berry, jungle girl," has apparently come to an end with the actress growing older. (Or maybe editors getting a clue?) That said, who knew it was possible to find an unflattering photo of her? Harper's Bazaar did.


10. Jennifer Lopez (15) (tied with Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow)
Reportedly deemed too "trashy" for Vogue at the turn of the century, Lopez finally got her shot in 2005, but had to settle for spinoffs Vogue Living and Fashion Rocks for the rest of the decade. Harper's Bazaar and InStyle were only too happy to have their chance, putting Lopez on the cover three times each this past decade.


9. Cameron Diaz (15) (tied with Jennifer Lopez and Gwyneth Paltrow)
Diaz's ability to comfortably cover both W and Cosmopolitan three times each shows that playing both to the mass crowd and the fashion elite equals, well, lots of play.


8. Gwyneth Paltrow (15) (tied with Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz)
Coronated by Anna Wintour and a fashion darling from the start, Paltrow was rarely found on the cover of the one of the service-y women's magazines, where the emphasis is on down-to-earth relatability. That unaddressed yearning, we can posit, is what brought us Goop.


7. Sarah Jessica Parker (18)
SJP is the classic example of an actress that women like but that will never be found on the cover of a men's magazine, unlike almost every other woman on this list.


6. Jessica Simpson (19) (tied with Renee Zellweger)
Jessica Simpson's prominence here can apparently be attributed to her inability to turn down an offer to be on a cover. Her range would be the widest — Elle several times, Jane, Lucky — except that sadly, Vogue has never come a-calling. And probably never will.


5. Renee Zellweger (19) (tied with Jessica Simpson)
A favorite of InStyle (four times), Vogue, W, and Harper's Bazaar (three times each), the star of the two Bridget Jones movies remained a fashionable choice despite her films' largely mass appeal.


4. Jennifer Aniston (22) (tied with Nicole Kidman)
It may seem like Jennifer Aniston has been on every magazine printed this decade, but when you subtract out the tabloids close-reading her every movement, it's impressive yet not game-changing. Known to be a reliable seller in magazine circles (if not necessarily at the box office), the key for Aniston was ponying up quotables about her love life. (The out-of-context "What Angelina Did Was Very Uncool" ending up on the cover of Vogue was a low point for everyone involved.)


3. Nicole Kidman (22) (tied with Jennifer Aniston)
Nicole Kidman never really went away, at least in the ladymag world. Her porcelain features may have lost some of their mobility, but there she was year after year, setting a record for the decade with five Vogue covers, yet pouring her heart out to Marie Claire about Keith Urban's alcoholism.


2. Angelina Jolie (24)
The evolution of Angelina Jolie's magazine covers neatly mirrors her own transformation: from revelations about blood and bisexuality to imperious queen of Hollywood. The Internet is rife with catfight-esque comparisons between Aniston and Jolie covers, and maybe Vogue was being impish photographing both of them in red dresses on the beach. In any case, in our minds, nothing has quite equaled the Vogue cover above.


1.Drew Barrymore (26)
The surprise queen of the decade has survived a lot more than magazine editors' fickleness. Having spent her entire life in the public eye and overcome early addiction, she emerged as both a likable actress and, increasingly, a Hollywood power to be reckoned with. Quirky, girlish appeal as well as the ability to pull off couture equals ladymag gold.

A Real Life Jersey Shore Protest [FourFour]

Related: New 'Nine' Trailer: Anyone Rooting For A Kate Hudson Comeback? [EW]

Ok!
Kendra was pregnant, and now she's given birth. Margaret says, "her baby is pretty cute, but I still don't care." The mag asks her how she'll lose the 55 lbs. she put on during the pregnancy, and she says she'll do martial arts, swimming and squats. "It's time to get my butt back into shape." Whatever. Also inside: A source says since things got serious between Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan in November, she's telling friends that she wants to have his children. Billy is "very caught up in Jessica's mystique" and believes it's a relationship worth pursuing. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan was asked about the Gucci model she's supposedly dating, and proclaimed: "it's lame b.s."
Grade: F (flight cancelled)

In Touch
"Melissa Says 'I Do.'"
If you have the devotion required to read this eight-page article about the wedding of former The Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, we salute you. Because we could only glance at all of the mind-numbing details. We do know that at the end of the ceremony, the bride and groom walked away from the altar to an instrumental version of the Monday Night Football theme song. Moving on: Madonna bought a $10 million 30-acre farm in the Hamptons. Jessica Simpson's "dangerous" new romance with Billy Corgan is covered thusly: "Jessica Simpson has always been a bit misguided when it comes to love. So when she was spotted walking out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York on December 4 with 42-year-old Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan, the world responded with a bemused 'WTF?'" An insider says they are not exclusive. They seem to have little in common, but they're both religious. Billy's "friend" tells the magazine that he's using the relationship to promote his new album. His ex-girlfriend, Tila Tequila, says: "I think Jessica Simpson is a waste of space. She can't even put two and two together. She doesn't show any female empowerment. She gets screwed over by her ex-boyfriends because she is all clingy. She should stop being so weak and stand up for yourself." In an interview, Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says he broke her heart by dumping her via letter and writing that his parents were making him concentrate on his career. Next: A story called "Angelina's Desperate To Keep Brad" uses happy pictures from the Unicef Snowflake ball to illustrate how Angie is possessively clutching at Brad (see image 7). So a picture of her playfully grabbing his jacket becomes "she is trying to hold on to him for dear life." Angie wanted everyone to see how happy they were, but, according to the mag, "onlookers saw right through the Oscar-winning actress's transparent performance." Brad is smiling in every picture, yet the mag claims "Brad seemed visibly annoyed" by her "over-the-top antics." Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass says: "His sad, non-smiling eyes and lack of a genuine smile also indicate his unhappiness." Brad took pictures with George Clooney and Matt Damon, and Angelina jumped into some of the pix, so the mag claims: "Brad wanted photos of him and his boys together. But Angelina insisted on inserting herself into them. It was obvious she was seeking attention." The lesson here is that Brad should learn to smize and Angelina should be a wallflower. Next, Gia, who's mom is Teresa from RHONJ, has a two-page spread of her closet (like mom did) and as for Jacqueline from RHONJ, "her son can rock any look." (See images 8 and 9.) Hey! Look who was quoted regarding that Sex And The City Photoshop Of Horrors on page 58! (See image 10)
Grade: D-, downgraded to F for irrelvant cover (flight delayed 6 hours)

Life & Style
"Baby Joy!"
An insider claims that Angelina decided, about four months ago, that she wanted to get pregnant again. "She basically told Brad that if it happens, it happens, and she wasn't going to concern herself with birth control. Angie's most at peace when a baby's coming." Nowhere does it say that she's actually pregnant, even though the cover claims "baby no. 7 is on its way." So "on its way" must mean "twinkle in the eye." Don't be fooled: the other two baby "exclusives" are old quotes from Kendra and Kourtney and no photos of their newborns. Moving on: Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie says that at night when the kids are in bed, Kate is lonely. "That's when she calls and we chat. It gets lonely when you're the only adult." Oh, and Kate hasn't had sex in a year. Oh, and here's a picture of Jon eating Panda Express alone in a mall somewhere, which is sad and also HILARIOUS. Next, we present image 11 WITHOUT COMMENT. Famed fling Jamie Jungers spoke to the mag and says Tiger Woods is '"well endowed — above average. I would rate him an 8 out of 10 in bed. He used to call me 'Jamie Juices' or 'my little coffee cup.' We never used protection. We just got caught up in the moment. We didn't discuss it." FYI: Billy Corgan calls himself a "wrestlemaniac." Ooh, the mag casts the movie of Tiger Woods' life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Reese Witherspoon and more! (see image 12). You know how they're filming Sex And The City in Morocco? Well John Corbett was there. Spoiler! Aidan's back. Apparently European tabloids are reporting that George Clooney's gf, Elisabetta Canalis, was "getting cozy" with Dutch soccer star Clarence Seedorf over Thanksgiving weekend, but Cloons and the Italian chick are "solid as ever." Finally: "Mother-Daughter Plastic Surgery Brought Us Closer" is about Lynne Curtin from RHOOC getting a facelift on the same day that her daughter got a nose job. Lynne says "it was a total mother-daughter experience."
Grade: D- (flight delayed 2 hours)

Us
"Split! Why Reese Left Him"
Basically Reese and Jake had a "civil and measured" breakup. She felt pressured to wed again, but she wasn't ready, says a source: "She decided to walk away rather than walk down the aisle." The breakup transpired "over a series of phone calls." She couldn't commit, and even last year, she told Parade: "I'm not far enough out of being married to do it again." Also, when she was giving all of her energy to Jake, she felt like she wasn't giving her kids enough. She's "a Sunday-school teaching, take-charge personality" who "wants things the way she wants them"; while Jake is "really laid back." Moving on: A picture of Lindsay Lohan in India, holding a child! (See image 13.) Rihanna has a new tattoo on her chest, which says: "Never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, so she can see it in the mirror. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planing a "hush-hush" wedding in Spain before the new year; the bride will wear Balenciaga. Finally: A "source" says of the Jessica Simpson/Billy Corgan relationship: "She likes weirdos and anybody who's a 'real' musician. He's smart and intense, so she likes that. But they have practically nothing in common."
Grade: D- (flight delayed one hour)

Star
"Tiger & Jessica: The Shocking Inside Story."
Jessica Simpson attended a golf event with Tony Romo on July 1, so she met Tiger Woods. A "friend" says she'd actually met Tiger before, and thought he was really sexy. She was excited to see him again and "packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he'd notice her." Tiger liked what he saw and they were "touchy feely" and flirty! Jessica asked Tiger, "coyly," if he was available for private golf lessons and he slipped her his cell phone number. And she gave him her number. And what happened next was NOTHING. She's a good girl whose daddy was a preacher and would never date a married man, etc. etc. etc. But: She has a framed photo of her and Tiger (and Tony) in her bedroom. Moving on: Angelina smiled at Brad at the Unicef party and the smile "was the same one she'd given him" when she was pregnant before. So clearly she is pregnant now. A family insider says: "Angie hasn't been this happy in months." She's constantly laughing and chatty and "this is exactly like she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and the twins." The insider adds: "She's got her pregnancy personality back." Brad Pitt walked her to the ladies room, and waited outside for her — and when they sat together, he stroked her hair. So: Pregnant. Leading body language expert Patti Wood says: "We rarely see photos of Angelina smiling like this. When you are joyful, your facial muscles go up, indicating a state of euphoria — which is exactly how she could feel if she's expecting again." Um, did she just explain what a SMILE is?!?! Recently, Star reported that the coupe had the fight to end all fights. But NOW Brad seems committed to being by Angie's side. Because you can leave six kids, but you can't leave seven. Next: Taylor Momsen was fired from Gossip Girl because they were sick of her late nights and unprofessional behavior. But she is telling people she is leaving for other acting gigs, and music. Her rep says she is NOT fired, but we'll see. Is Robert Pattinson the new James Dean? (see image 14) Rihanna called a friend and said she had a "sexy secret." She said: "Don't trip, but I hooked up with Justin." It was "good — hot and wild" and they had some of the best makeout sessions she's ever experienced. Justin's been calling her nonstop, but Rihanna says it's just for fun. "She's only out for the physical with him," says a source. "And she got it." HOT. Blind item! "Which fading reality starlet recently pulled a Britney? She shaved her head and was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital in early December, but cameras missed the whole thing." Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were walking in NYC and it was really cold, and she asked if she could borrow his coat, and he was like, "No way, I'm freezing too." At the Gossip Girl Christmas party, Kelly Rutherford, 41, lured 24-year-old Chace Crawford away from doing Don Julio tequila shots with Ed Westwick and went into "full-on cougar mode." "They were getting kind of saucy." Lastly: A male model and aspiring rapper named Michael Girgenti, whose stage name is Primo Stallone, claims that he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby. He also says he has "private kinky pictures" of himself and Kourtney, and when asked if there was a possibility that he had fathered Kourtney's baby, Michael said: "You could say that. Yeah." Apparently Kourtney didn't even know who the father was but her mom, Kris, told her to say publicly that it was her ex, Scott Disick.
Grade: D (turbulent flight)

15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Amy is from Oakland via Texas and a "permalancer" for Old Navy. She likes Lady Gaga and would love to dress Leigh Lezark.

Anna is originally from Wisconsin, loves Carla Bruni and worships at the altars of Marc Jacobs, Lanvin and Band of Outsiders.

Anthony hails from Birmingham, Alabama and loves glamour and color.

Ben made dresses that were inspired by different kinds of snakes and would love to design for Rihanna. Keep your eye on this one!

Christiane's originally from Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, and makes simple dresses using vivid colors. She might go far in this competition.

Emilio's hometown is Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. He has a background in costume design.

Janeane Marie lives in Portland and is inspired by "earth science and space."

Jay is a visual merchandiser and stylist for the Gap — in the kids' division. He did a really cute happy dance in the casting session when Tim Gunn liked his stuff.

Jesse is from Ohio but lives in Orlando, FL and is an actor as well as a designer. He made a bright blue tulle party dress that no one liked but still made it on the show.

Jesus is originally from Mazatlan, Sinaloa, Mexico. He used to dress up Barbies and used his mom as his model in the casting session. He says he adds "a little touch of grandiosity" to everything.

Jonathan's dream client is Meryl Streep and he loves Galliano. He made shorts with a hideous appliqué on the crotch and was picked anyway.

Maya is 22 and created a collection called Fashism, which is super avant garde. Crazy shapes and orb-like purses with spikes. One to watch!

Mila is inspired by artists Mondiran and Calder; she's into color blocking and loves Halle Berry and Cate Blanchett. She, Emilio and Pamela are the forty-somethings in a show with mostly 20 and 30 somethings.

Pamela's favorite designer is "God." Her dresses are pretty, soft and beautifully constructed, and Tim Gunn thinks "she's on the cusp of something big."

Ping works as a design intern, assistant stylist, model, interpreter, reporter and freelance writer (!!!). She loves "everything asymmetrical." She is a little wacky, and so are her clothes. She's going to be fun to watch.

Last, but not least: Seth Aaron lives in Vancouver but is originally from San Diego and does tough, rocker jackets. He's got 2 kids, a lizard and a dog. His favorite color is black and he fears "getting fat."

So you heard it here first: Keep a fashion eye on Ben, Christiane, Maya and Ping… And be prepared to be entertained by Anthony, Jesus and Jay.

There are photos, casting videos and at-home videos on the site, but be warned: Lifetime's website is THE WORST. It still SUCKS, just like it did last season, and you'll have to sit through those damn "the touch the feel of cotton" commercials over and over if you want to see anything good. It's like they want to drive people away.

The good news is, Season 7 taped over the summer in New York, where it belongs. So I'm looking forward to it!

Project Runway Designers [MyLifetime.com]
Project Runway Season 7 Cast Revealed! [Blogging Project Runway]

Snooki doesn't agree with UNICO that "guido" and "guidette" are derogatory terms, and insisted that she and her fellow guidos and guidettes consider the description a compliment. She then told Conan how she would make him over, guido style.


When Conan asked Snooki to describe her ideal guy, she said that first and foremost, he must be an intravenous steroid user.

Falling into the "reformation" theme, is a profile on Britney Spears, which looks more like a publicity stunt intended to erase our memories of a bald, umbrella-toting pop star and push her new image of "doting mother". This mother, however, is wearing a ridiculous bright blue feather jacket while looking lost and sad on a playground. Speaking of returning to childhood, in "If you love him, fix him up" Rachael Combe explores the notion of proactively trying to change a significant other, concluding "to love someone is to harangue them". She argues that healthier habits are automatically formed in relationships because people are forced to give up their hazardous single ways. For those left satisfied with that information, there's information on how to drop a mere 1.5 pounds by eating only grapes for three weeks. Below, find what other suggestions the January Elle has for readers in 2010.

Dargis' "fuck them" - the first of several - refers specifically to a fact she highlighted in her piece this weekend on the lack of progress in Hollywood films for and about women: Two major studios, Paramount Pictures and Warner Brothers Pictures, didn't release a single movie directed by a female, even in a year of renewed prominence for women in film. One bright spot: The Hurt Locker by Kathryn Bigelow (pictured above) is sweeping the early critics' awards: in the past two days alone she and her film have gotten top accolades from the Los Angeles Film Critics Association, the Boston Society of Film Critics, the American Film Institute, The New York Film Critics Online, and the Alliance of Women Film Journalists.

In a wide-ranging conversation this morning on women in Hollywood, Dargis, who has been a chief New York Times film critic (a title she shares with A.O. Scott) since 2004, had similarly strong words for Hollywood conventional wisdom and the studio system overall. "My tendency is not to talk in sweeping terms, but one thing I can say in sweeping terms is that there's a lot of sexism in the industry," she says. Here are some of the other highlights from the conversation.

On why women in Hollywood aren't faring any better: This business is really about clubby relationships. If you buy Variety or go online and look at the deals, you see one guy after another smiling in a baseball cap. It's all guys making deals with other guys. I had a female studio chief a couple of years ago tell me point blank that she wasn't hiring a woman to do an action movie because women are good at certain things and not others. If you have women buying that bullshit how can we expect men to be better?

On working within the system: For me the most sobering thing of the last ten years is that there really was a point where four of the studios were run by women… and you would have thought that would lead to an uptick of women directors. I'm not saying I've done a systematic analysis, but it doesn't look like it changed very much… Working within the system has not worked. It has not helped women filmmakers or, even more important, you and me, women audiences, to have women in the studio system. … I think the studio system as it exists now is a no-win situation for women filmmakers.

On director Kathryn Bigelow's success (achieved in part by getting funding outside of Hollywood, detailed in Dargis's June profile of her): Something like a woman winning best director for directing an action movie and not a romantic comedy is symbolically important. Whether it then leads to a lot of women doing things outside of the pathetic comfort zone of romantic comedy – and I say that as someone who loves romantic comedy – we'll see. We know that because women are allowed to make romantic comedies that they can make romantic comedies. That's in everyone's comfort zone. The idea that a woman can be a great action director is not is everyone's comfort zone. That's [Bigelow's] exceptionalism.

On Bigelow's chances for Oscar or future commercial success: The only thing Hollywood is interested in money, and after that prestige. That's why they'll be interested in something like The Hurt Locker. She's done so well critically that she can't be ignored.

Let's acknowledge that the Oscars are bullshit and we hate them. But they are important commercially... I've learned to never underestimate the academy's bad taste. Crash as best picture? What the fuck.

On male and female directors being held to different standards, as Dargis suggested in comparing Bigelow and Michael Mann in her piece: Do you think that a woman would have been able to get forty million dollars to make a puppet movie the way that Wes Anderson has been able to make, bringing to bear all the publicity and advertising budget of Fox? After two movies that didn't make a lot of money? I think this is true for a lot of black filmmakers too – they're held to a higher standard. And an unfair standard. You can be a male filmmaker and if you're perceived as a genius – a boy genius or a fully-formed adult genius – that you are allowed to fail in a way that a woman is not allowed to fail.

On whether there's an essential difference between male-made and female-made movies: Flaubert wrote Madame Bovary. That's all we need to say about that. But I do think as 51 percent of the population we should be given a chance… It's very boring to watch the same people coming from a certain kind of background make the same kinds of movies.

On Nancy Meyers and Nora Ephron: I personally don't think either of them is a good filmmaker — they make movies for me that are more emotionally satisfying but with barely any aesthetic value at all. I really like Something's Gotta Give, but I don't think it's a good movie…. I'm of two minds. Sometimes I think what women should do what various black and gay audiences have done, which is support women making movies for women. So does that mean I have to go support Nora Ephron? Fuck no. That's just like, blech.

On Sandra Bullock, whom she recently wrote should use her production company to "start giving female filmmakers a chance to do something other than dopey romances": Use your power for good, Sandy!

On why so many romantic comedies are so terrible: One, the people making them have no fucking taste, two, they're morons, three they're insulting panderers who think they're making movies for the great unwashed and that's what they want. I love romantic movies. I absolutely do. But I literally don't know what's happening. I think it's depressing that Judd Apatow makes the best romantic comedies and they're about men. All power to Apatow, but he's taken and repurposed one of the few genres historically made for women. ….We had so few [genres] that were made specifically for the female audience and now the best of them are being made by Judd Apatow. But what are his movies supposed to be about? Nominally about the relationship between a man and a woman, but they're really buddy flicks. Funny People was supposed to have an important role for a woman, but she was uninteresting and an afterthought.

On representations of women onscreen: There's a reason that women go to movies like Mamma Mia. It's a terrible movie… but women are starved for representation of themselves. I go back to Spike Lee and She's Gotta Have It. I remember going to see it at the Quad in New York, surrounded by a black audience. People are starved for representations of themselves.

On women being taken seriously as moviegoers: It's a vicious cycle. We're not going to movies because there aren't movies for us. Therefore we're not seen as a loyal moviegoing audience. My point is that if there are stories about women, women will come out for that…

That's why [women] go to a movie like The Devil Wears Prada and make huge hits. They want to see women in movies. People in the trade press constantly frame that as a surprise. This, gee whiz, Sex and the City's a hit, Twilight, hmm, wonder what's going on here. Maybe they should not be so surprised. In the trade press, women audiences are considered a niche. How is that even possible? We're 51 percent of the audience.

On this quote from a box office analyst for Hollywood.com, in The Washington Post: Fuck him. What an asshole. Yes, that's what I want! That's exactly what I want. If Angelina Jolie had been cast in a movie as a good as The Bourne Identity with a filmmaker like Paul Greengrass, I would have gone out to see it, and I'm sure I wouldn't be alone. That is absurd. That's blaming female audiences – you get what you deserve? Is that what he's saying?

On being a female critic reviewing and featuring women's films: I wanted to get [Bigelow] on the cover of 'Arts and Leisure'. I wanted this fantastic woman director to get her face on the front of the New York Times…[But] I am an equal opportunity critic. I will pan women as hard as men. I've had testy people imply that I should go easier on women's movies. I find that incredibly insulting. Are you kidding me? I don't want to be graded on a curve. None of us want to be a good woman writer.

I don't want to be the woman critic. I don't want to be the feminist critic. I don't want to be the shrew. What I want to do is talk about the art that I love and point out, every so often, inequities….It's a weird balancing act and I'm not saying there aren't contradictions.

On whether the prominence of women-directed films in 2009 will change anything, even if they're not statistically significant compared to other years: It's pretty shitty right now. Anything positive can only help a little bit. How's that for optimism?

Women In The Seats But Not Behind The Camera [New York Times]
Kathryn Bigelow Makes Movies That Go For The Gut [New York Times]
Now Starring At The Movies: Famous Dead Women [New York Times]
With Strong Female Characters, Hollywood Suffers From a Fear Of Failure [The Washington Post]

Related: Double X Films [The Atlantic]

Earlier: Things Are Not Getting Better For Women In Hollywood

Matt Lauer says stay-at-home mom Cori Rist decided to appear on Today "to set the record straight," and Rist echoes this sentiment when she says, "I felt like I needed to defend myself." She does emphasize that Tiger Woods never paid her for sex, that she's not "a hooker or a prostitute," and that members of his entourage knew about their affair, but she doesn't really add all that much to "the record." Rist says she needs to "set an example" for her seven-year-old son, and perhaps her appearance is an effort to, as she says, "take responsibility for the things I've done." But while she publicly apologizes to Elin Nordegren, the apology is unlikely to be all that comforting, and there doesn't seem to be much need for Rist to "take responsibility" on television. In fact, at this point it's hard not to suspect some of Woods's mistresses of self-promotion.

As Givhan pointed out yesterday, the act of speaking publicly as a former Woods mistress does have costs. The media and viewers alike disparage them, viewing them not only as morally loose but as "interchangeable commodities." Givhan writes,

Whatever might have occurred between Woods and all these women might never be fully known, and frankly, that's the way it should be. But for all the careful parsing of Woods's character, the attempts to reconcile his public persona with what might have been going on in the shadows, the women are being lumped into broad categories. They are being stereotyped as usual suspects for this sort of behavior.

It's a fair point, especially when people are joking of Tiger that, "If all his mistresses look the same, why didn't he just choose one?" Just because they looks similar doesn't make them the same, and even if Woods pursued them because they fit a certain physical type, that doesn't mean blondness is all they have to offer anyone. It's also true that their occupations — some are cocktail waitresses or former models — don't say anything about their intelligence or morals (a mistake we've been accused of making). But their jobs do make them a lot less famous than Tiger — meaning that, in some ways, they have less to lose.

Rist and other women in her position face some public censure and mockery. Even Givhan's not immune, saying of Woods's porn-star entanglements, "It seems fair to say that if you have chosen porn as your life's work, you are content with being judged as slimy, stereotyped as skeevy and maligned as sleazy." But unlike Woods, they don't have lucrative endorsement deals with Accenture to lose. And they may have something to gain — especially since famous other-woman Ashley Dupre now has a newspaper column. Rist says that unlike Woods's other mistresses, "I wasn't looking to get anything out of the relationship," and that may be true — when she broke down on Today, it felt genuine. But the Today show and other media outlets are certainly looking to get ratings out of Tiger Woods's relationships, and women who until now lived in relative obscurity may find the exposure tempting.

The Tiger Woods Scandal Is A Tale Of Sex — And Sexism [Washington Post]
Big Risk In A One-Man Brand Like Tiger Woods [NYT]

1. Jennifer Aniston/2. Brad Pitt, Y2K: When this picture was taken in February of 2000, Pitt and Aniston had been dating for roughly two years. Just a few months later, the two were married, a union that lasted until 2005, when the couple split and Pitt moved on to Angelina Jolie. The story was a tabloid dream come true, with lurid tales of Pitt, Jolie, and Aniston creating a soap opera storyline that's still being played out, nearly 5 years later: just this week, Star Magazine ran a cover declaring that Jennifer Aniston was finally ready for baby..."with Brad's help!"


3. Angelina Jolie, Y2K: But the Brangelina storm hadn't swept through Jolie's life in 2000; at that point, she was married to Billy Bob Thornton, and delighting/horrifying the press with tales of their torrid love affair. Jolie claimed that she wore a vial of Thornton's blood around her neck, and the two weren't shy about discussing their sex life on the red carpet. By 2002, Jolie had adopted her first child, Maddox, and by 2003, Thornton and Jolie had divorced.


Jennifer Aniston, 2009: Aniston has spent the better part of the decade living in the tabloids; after Friends went off the air in 2004, she segued into a movie career, though the public seemed more interested in the scandal surrounding her divorce from Pitt. She has been painted as "lonely" and "desperate" by many a tabloid magazine, even though she's dated several famous men, including John Mayer and Vince Vaughn. Though the Brangelaniston blitz shows no signs of slowing, Aniston continues to make films and most likely hopes that the world moves past her 5-year-old divorce as we enter a new decade.


Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, 2009: Jolie and Pitt, arguably the world's most famous couple, have gone on to have three biological children together; Pitt has also adopted Jolie's adopted children, and all of their children share the surname "Jolie-Pitt." The couple have devoted much of their energy to charity work through their Jolie/Pitt Foundation. and, like Aniston, I assume, to trying to break out of the Brangelina media blitz. Jolie, who 10 years ago spent time discussing the vials of blood around her neck, has since become a UN Goodwill Ambassador and is well-known for her humanitarian efforts.


4. Britney Spears, Y2K: Britney was on top of the world in 2000, riding the success of her second album, Oops...I Did It Again. In 2001, she performed her now-infamous "I'm A Slave 4U" dance at the MTV Video Music Awards, snake, see-thru bodysuit, and all, but things started to come off the rails in 2002, when her relationship with Justin Timberlake came to an end. Timberlake's solo career skyrocketed with songs about how Britney did him wrong, and Spears' career, and carefully marketed sexy virgin image, began to crumble.


In 2004, Spears married Kevin Federline (it was technically her first marriage, after an ill-advised 24 hour marriage to a childhood friend in Vegas). The marriage would produce two sons for Spears, Sean Preston and Jayden James, but it would also produce a number of disturbing problems.


By 2008, Spears and Federline had divorced, and Spears' erratic behavior had cost her custody of her two children. She spent most of her time in court or driving around Los Angeles, wearing wigs and stopping at gas stations and Starbucks shops. Spears' behavior become increasingly bizarre, with the pop star shaving her head on camera and giving a disastrous performance at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards. After she was hospitalized twice for psychiatric reasons, her father, Jamie Spears, won the right to a conservatorship over his daughter. Spears' career and personal life were then intensely monitored and controlled by her father.


Britney Spears, 2009: By 2009, Spears' personal life and career appear to be back on track; she embarked on a world tour behind her successful record, Circus, has extended visitation rights with her children, and her conservatorship may end soon, leaving her in control of her own destiny for the first time in years. Hopefully, the next decade will be a little easier for Britney than the last one was.


5. Beyonce Knowles, Y2K: Beyonce, circa Y2K, was still with her group, Destiny's Child, figure skating across America, recording hits like "Independent Woman, Part 1" for the Charlie's Angels soundtrack. After several successful Destiny's Child singles like "Bootylicious," (which she co-wrote) Beyonce decided that we were, in fact, ready for this jelly, and decided to strike out on her own with her 2003 album, "Dangerously In Love." Destiny's Child split in 2005, and Knowles' solo career has been going strong ever since.


Beyonce Knowles, 2009: By 2009, Knowles had established a wildly successful solo career, introduced the world to her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce, married long-time boyfriend Jay-Z in a private ceremony, and branched out into acting with roles in Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records. Her video for "Single Ladies" is perhaps one of the most memorable videos of 2009, if not the entire decade.


6. Tom Cruise & 7. Nicole Kidman, Y2K:Though it seems a bit hard to picture at this point, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman started the decade as a married couple; in 2001, they'd split after 11 years of marriage.


Nicole Kidman, 2009: Kidman's career skyrocketed after her divorce from Cruise; in 2003, she received the Academy Award for Best Actress for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Kidman went on to marry country music star Keith Urban in 2006, and in 2008 the couple had a daughter together named Sunday Rose.


Tom Cruise, 2009: Tom Cruise's career hasn't fared as well as his ex-wife's this decade. His career tanked following an incredibly weird series of television appearance, such as a Today show appearance wherein he called Matt Lauer "glib" and accused him of not understanding the history of psychiatry like Cruise did, as well a now-infamous appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show during which Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch to declare his love for actress Katie Holmes, whom he married in 2006. The couple's marriage that year, as well as the birth of their daughter, Suri, has made them a tabloid favorite ever since, with Tom's association with Scientology often overshadowing both of their acting careers.


8. Whitney Houston, Y2K: Whitney started the decade with a Grammy Award for Best R&B Female Vocal Performance, but her career faltered as the decade went on. Accusations of drug use ("crack is wack") swirled around her marriage, which was documented for a depressing reality show called Being Bobby Brown, which showed a side of Houston the public had never seen before (and gave The Soup one of its favorite catchphrases). Houston divorced Brown in 2006, went to rehab for what she now admits was drug addiction, and began to get her career together.


Whitney Houston, 2009: In 2009, Houston returned with her album, I Look To You, discussed the difficulties of the past decade in a tell-all interview with Oprah and received a standing ovation at the American Music Awards following a performance of "I Didn't Know My Own Strength."


9. Lindsay Lohan, Y2K:, Lohan, shown here in 2001, began the decade under the Disney umbrella, starring in films like Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Her breakthrough came with 2004's Mean Girls and the release of her first album, Speak, though troubles in her personal life soon seemed to follow, with the actress being accused of having everything from an eating disorder to self-harming issues to drug addiction.


Lindsay Lohan, 2009: It has not been a great second half of the decade for Lohan; her last few years in the press have been dominated family troubles, her on again-off again relationship with Samantha Ronson, rumors of violent and erratic behavior, and film duds like I Know Who Killed Me and the straight-to-television Labor Pains. Yet Hollywood loves a comeback story, so we'll have to see what the next decade has in store for Lilo.


10. Joaquin Phoenix, Y2K: Phoenix started the decade by scoring an Academy Award nomination for his performance in Gladiator; a second nomination would come in 2005 for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk The Line. In 2008, he shifted gears and began focusing on his rap career, which confused pretty much everyone.


Joaquin Phoenix, 2009: By 2009, Phoenix claimed he was retiring from acting to work on his rap career full-time. He discussed his plans during a now-infamous appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, appearing completely out-of-it and nearly unrecognizable behind shades and a grizzled beard. Phoenix claims his rap career is "not a joke," and his transformation from actor to rapper is being filmed for an upcoming documentary by his brother-in-law, Casey Affleck. Whether or not Phoenix's career change will be successful (or if it's all an elaborate hoax) is yet to be seen, but I suppose all will be revealed at some point during the next decade. After all, you never know what can happen in just 10 years.

In the cover story, Portman addresses the recent tabloid stories that claim she made out with Penn behind a curtain at a party in L.A.:

He's obviously someone I'm friends with," she says. "I mean, not 'hey, wassup?' friends, but we were all on the [Cannes 2008] jury together — Alfonso [Cuaron] and Marjane [Satrapi] — and we had a really great time, and then ... It was one of those things where you're like 'Oh my God! I'm that person who's caught in this shitty rumor brigade.' You can't win. You don't say anything and everyone's like, 'It's true.' You say something and you're keeping the story alive. It's bad, bad news."

That sounds like a no, but who knows what secrets are hidden in those ellipses?

The rest of the profile emphasizes that Portman's a "good girl": she didn't go to high school parties, got drunk for the first time in college, and only tried pot when she was in her 20s. Those looking for something scandalous will have to settle for her comments on how she avoided becoming some director's muse even while working with Woody Allen, which could be interpreted as a dig at Scarlett Johansson:

"I have a problem with muse-ship," Portman says, curving into herself as if a little embarrassed. "I feel like througout history, it's been men vampiring on women's specialness. And why do that for someone?" Then she laughs, before adding: "Maybe it's fear of intimacy or something."

She's nobody's muse, but she is willing to dress up as Peter Pan if you ask nicely. (Fig. 1)

Elsewhere in the issue, Marie Claire "explores the darker side of having an affair with the guy in the corner office." The writer (who is married to her former boss) points out that several famous couples, including Barack and Michelle Obama, started out in office romances. There are several titillating (read: corny) stories about workplace hookups, like the lawyer dating her boss who would "slip into his office, sit on his lap, unbutton her shirt, and put his face between her breasts." However, the biggest consequences the women in the article face are being taken less seriously and choosing to find a new job when their office relationship got uncomfortable. None of the women experience the real "dark side," which ranges from getting fired by your ex-lover to causing a Lewinsky-esque national scandal.

Click to enlarge.

Fig. 1

The day after a South Carolina legislative panel decided to consider a formal rebuke against him (as opposed to the more severe impeachment) Sanford spoke to reporters about his marriage. Although he and his wife have actually been separated, he says he still wants to make a marriage work. He wouldn't say whether he was still in contact with the Argentinian woman he visited over Father's Day weekend, but he did say, "I'm not going back to June. We've had all those conversations." He added that he had visited his wife and children at the beach house where they're now living: "I mean, you may have missed it, but I mean I was down there last night and dropped by and saw the kids."

While Mark Sanford struggles to rehabilitate his reputation, his wife's star is rising. She appeared on ABC as one of Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009, where she had the good and bad fortune to be able to make even more public statements about her husband's infidelity. Jenny Sanford seemed a little stiff, but she was candid, saying she was "obviously not" her husband's soul mate. However, she didn't rule out repairing the marriage, saying only, "I think the hurdles are significant."

Walters says she chose Sanford as a counterexample to the "long-suffering wife [...] saying, 'I'm standing by my husband'" and because "she has lived now with dignity and integrity." Jenny Sanford does seem to have some serious backbone — of her husband's infidelity, she tells Walters, "certainly his actions hurt me, and they caused consequences for me, but they don't in any way take away my own self-esteem." She also says the title of her upcoming book, Staying True, reflects her commitment "to myself, to my faith, to the things that are important to me." It's refreshing to see a woman who once devoted her life to her husband's political campaign now making a public expression of strength and self-sufficiency, and Sanford's independence sends an important message that women need not be destroyed by their husbands' indiscretions. Sanford says she has forgiven, but not forgotten her husband's affair, and she provides a very public model for women (and men) who feel that cheating isn't something they have to tolerate.

At the same time, is separation the only way she could have "lived with dignity and integrity?" Is standing by your husband always an undignified act? Sanford deserved praise for offering a new path for the publicly "wronged wife," but by implicitly denigrating the old path, we just heap more shame on these wives. Whether or not she'd chosen to stay with her husband, Jenny Sanford's integrity was never at issue — and maybe one of the biggest problems for wives of famous philanderers is that we continue to find their marriages "fascinating."

Update: Guess those "hurdles" were a little too high — Jenny Sanford is filing for divorce.

South Carolina Gov. Sanford Still Wants To Reconcile With Wife, But Jenny Sanford Is Not Willing [New York Daily News]
Jenny Sanford Talks About Heartbreak After... [ABC News]
Jenny Sanford On Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People [YouTube]

1. Nobody thinks about what it means anymore.

Though the title of this post may have produced a funny mental image, it was probably involved some asshole with a popped collar. Contemporary usage of the term has elided the fact than actual douchebag is a bag. Full of douche. That you put in your vagina. I've only seen douche once — when I was a kid, in the attic of my friend's family's store, in some sort of ancient gift basket along with a 1970s romance novel. Likewise, I've only read the word used literally in one place — the extremely fucked-up noir novel The Killer Inside Me. The movie version of said fucked-up novel is about to come out, and how much do you want to bet they don't include the "douchebag" line? Actually, I don't want to bet. I do want you to send me examples of actual baggy douche-filled douchebags referred to in print (ads don't count). Because the true douchebag has been forgotten, and that's sad.

2. Everybody's saying it now.

As Slate's Troy Patterson points out, "douchebag" and its variants have now appeared at two opposite poles of American culture — The City and the New York Times. The Times's Edward Wyatt offered this hilariously passive-voiced formulation:

On many nights this fall, it has been possible to tune in to broadcast network television during prime time and hear a character call someone else a 'douche.'

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a word that shows up in a Times trend piece must be in want of a replacement. Plus, Hot Chicks With Douchebags has gone from blog to book to show. Can the video game be far behind?

3. Gawker actually declared it dead last year.

In December of 2008, Gawker posted a reader's plea that read, in part,

it's been completely played out. the number of times i hear it now applied to any circumstance other than what i believe to have been its true intention is getting annoying. furthermore, i feel the douche's themselves have co-opted the word and use it against hipsters and the like. people who aren't particularly witty, or even funny, began throwing around the word douche (in my opinion denigrating the original beauty of what it represented). i think it'd be a great idea to take control of your creation and have a very formal retirement for the word

You know how in high school you would make up something really funny, and then everyone would laugh, but then some lame person would try to use it in a lame way, and everyone would get tired of it, and then they'd blame you for coming up with something lame? I guess what I'm trying to say is, stop trying to make douchebag happen.

4. Douchebag parodies have appeared.

It's actually even worse than the Gawker reader lets on. Not only has the word been co-opted by "douche's themselves," fake douchebags are now making silly parody videos. And charts. These parodies may be amusing, but what they reveal is that "douchebag," once a thrillingly multifaceted insult, has calcified into a type. Douchebags wear Ed Hardy shirts. They pop their collars. They may differ by region, but even these differences are strictly codified. "Douchebag" used to be both simple and versatile, a way to describe someone whose disregard for other people, combined with outsized self-regard, was so extreme as to be hilarious. Now it's a culture, with its own stereotypes and its own quasi-ethnic jokes. That video's just for laughs, but mark my words, true "douchebag" reclamation is on its way.

Some might argue that we need a new word to do the work "douchebag" once did. I do like "assclown." But while mocking the unjustifiably egotistical will never truly die, I wonder if specifically shaming douches and their ilk is kind of an '00s thing. Maybe in the new decade we should turn our attention to a less ludicrous but more insidious figure, the guy who acts sensitive and evolved as a way of concealing deep-seated misogyny or misanthropy. Or maybe we should just give up and be nice to each other. The world's going to end in two years anyway.

Image via MSN.

Douchebags Gone Wild [Slate]

Related: More Than Ever, You Can Say That On Television [NYT]
The Gray Lady And Her Sad, Shared, Empty Bag Of "Douche" [Gawker]
Farewell, Douchebag [Gawker]

Ok!
"My Side Of The Story."
Rachel Uchitel was interviewed at her home, and Tiger Woods was not mentioned in the conversation. The mag's first question: "The media is painting you as the other woman, how would you describe yourself?" Uchitel says: "I've been called homewrecker, gold digger, tramp, whore. I make mistakes, but I'm not those things." For the next four pages, we learn: she has 2 dogs — one named Rudy Giuliani and one named Ozzy Osbourne; she likes Twilight and is Team Edward; and she watches Nancy Grace every night. In one picture, she is holding a photo of herself as a child and the caption reads: "I'm a good person." Moving on: The golf pro who introduced Tiger and Elin says she won't stay for him — or the money — after what he's done. "I don't see her being able to continue to love someone who violated her trust so thoroughly. That's not how she was raised." Hey, did you hear the rumor that when Rihanna and Zac Efron met backstage at David Letterman's Late Show, where they sipped champagne and swapped numbers? We didn't either. And Gossip Cop — which has partnered with Ok! — says it's not true. The rumor that Robert Pattinson was going to play John Lennon in Disney's 3-D remake of the Yellow Submarine is also false. Finally, in Taylor Squared news, a close friend of the pair tells Ok!: "They're the new Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. But they have the same first name — that sends it over the top! The cuteness factor is through the roof."
Grade: F (22°)

Life & Style
"Sandra: Fighting For My Kid."
We were bored to tears by this cover story about how Jesse James's daughter, Sunny, will sleep over at her biological mom's house on Christmas Eve. Mom is porn star Janine Lindemulder, and the mag points out that her house is "where same place she films adult videos." But Janine has nothing bad to say about Sandy Bullock: "I applaud her for the way she's taken over these past six months. She's done a wonderful job with Sunny." Moving on: Brad and Angelina celebrated their 5th anniversary in a poolside bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. He surprised her! "To keep information from getting out, and to keep Angie in the dark, only top level hotel staff members were informed." Brad and Angie were holding hands when they arrived. Angie was a excited and kept asking Brad what he was up to, but he just smiled. They ordered pasta and vodka via room service, and didn't leave the room until the next day, when they had a "triple date" with Cindy Crawford and her husband and George Clooney and his gf. (It wasn't actually a date — it was the party for Clooney's new movie, but whatever.) Kendall Jenner is "vogueing" for Forever 21 in a new ad campaign, and the mag points out that "her eyes sparkle like Brody's" and she has sister Kim Kardashian's "hot hair." (See image 7.) Holly Madison and Benji Madden: Dating. Finally: "What Happened To Cameron's Face" alleges that Ms. Diaz had fillers and stuff, but she looks exactly the same in both pictures (See image 8.)
Grade: F (29°)

In Touch
"I Will Leave My Wife For You."
So now we know that Tiger was juggling his wife Elin, his fuckbuddy Jaimee Grubbs and his mistress, Rachel Uchitel at the same time. This mag has emails from Tiger to Rachel, which read: "I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next me, lay on me, or wherever you want to lay. Fuck. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." Later in the article there is a picture of Rachel in a white bikini next to a picture of Elin in a white bikini, and the copy reads: "Why would Tiger stray from Elin?" And mentions that she is "an elegant Swedish former model with a killer body." Moving on: "Miley: 17 Going On 37." She dresses in leather, she pole dances, and now she has a tattoo under her boob. Apparently her "bosses" at her record label are concerned about what message she sends to young fans. Yawn. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is "caught in the middle." When he was standing on the carpet between Brad and Angie, "the tension between the couple was palpable. And Maddox did not look happy about it." The photo accompanying this story negates and contradicts the allegations, because the three of them look pretty happy on the red carpet (see image 9.) Also, the text reads: "The thought of his mom and dad splitting after giving him all of these brothers and sisters seems to be having an affect [sic, it should be Effect) on him." An insider says, "Lately, he has just been playing video games." Bizarre behavior for an 8-year-old! Meanwhile, Pax is "wild," and "runs around the house screaming in Vietnamese and attacking Maddox." Sounds fun! Next: George Clooney has finally "met his match" with Italian TV personality Elisabetta Canalis — she won't let him pay her rent, and has more clout in Italy, so when they need a reservation, she'll use her name. "She's in control," says a source. Jessica Simpson "nearly fainted" when she found out that Tony Romo's new girlfriend, Candice Crawford, was wearing a diamond ring from Tony. In "Hollywood Weight Watch, Who's Up, Who's Down," we learn that Brittany Murphy is too skinny; Sara Rue needs to lose; Jared is up; Reese Witherspoon is down; Mischa Barton is up. Lastly: Looking into the eyes — and closet — of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives Of New Jersey is horrifying. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (45°)

Star
"Baby At Last — With Brad's Help!"
Jennifer Aniston's "mentor and confidant," ex-husband Brad Pitt, is "urging her on and patiently walking her step-by-step" through the "complicated, nerve-wracking" adoption process. After Jen visited an orphanage in Mexico, she sent Brad a text, telling him she was thinking of adopting. This set off a "flurry" of texts. "At first she wasn't sure she'd be strong enough," but "Brad gave her the courage to move forward." LOL. He told her: "You'll be an amazing mother. I've always believed that." When Jen heard that, "tears welled up in her eyes." She "pretty much lost it." LIKE WE ARE LOSING IT NOW. "For some reason, hearing Brad say those words to her was exactly what she needed." Brad told Angelina about the situation, and "Angelina exploded." But Brad explained that all Jen wants is help giving an orphan a good home. "This really struck a chord with Angie." She told Brad: "Do what you have to do." She told Brad to give Jen the number of her adoption expert, who helped her with Maddox, Pax and Zahara. Brad's been talking to Jen about how to nurture a child from another culture and reassured her that she can do it alone. In other Jolie-Pitt News, Maddox is looking forward to a small role in the new Karate Kid movie, Kung-Fu Kid, starring Will Smith's 11-year-old son Jaden. Blind item! "Which athlete has been playing the field behind his A-list girlfriend's back? One flirty night club encounter has already turned into a series of dates, and his main girl is getting suspicious." (coughARodCough) More: Lady Gaga drinks half a cup of apple cider vinegar three times a day. Britney saw that kooky Chris Brown wedding dance video and now she wants to do a special dance at her wedding to Justin Trawick. In Tiger Woods news, a "friend" of Rachel's says the night Tiger met Ms. Uchitel, they had sex seven times — and never used a condom. At 5 am, Tiger took a break to go to the gym, and when he came back, there were "two more rounds of lovemaking." The "friend" says: "This wasn't wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type sex, this was making love. That's how Rachel describes it." Apparently Tiger was paranoid and would check cabinets and closets for hidden cameras or recording devices during his hookups. Ironic that his own text messages busted him! Rachel knew about Tiger's other chicks, Cori and Kalika, but "hearing about Jaimee was what broke her heart. The wife is one thing, but it's what the others have said that hurts. She read that he didn't use condoms with any of them, either, and it just grossed her out." Next: Jessica Alba's relationship with Cash Warren is falling apart — she told a "pal" that they're not sleeping in the same bed and she has a crush on Mario Lopez. Stephanie Pratt was fired from The Hills but MTV execs are letting her make it look like she quit, to avoid embarrassment. She'd been showing up hungover or not at all, and then there was the DUI. "Producers like catfights and broken romances, not drama that involves breaking the law," says a source. "Stephanie just became this major mess and was too much of a liability." Finally: Weight Wars! Winners & Losers" features an expert guessing what the stars have been doing with their bodies. Chris Noth has MAYBE been doing weight training and yoga. Mischa Barton has been eating more because she got kicked off The Beautiful Life. Jessia Simpson has "plumped up again."
Grade: C- (50°)

Us
"What She Knew"
In an epic story about Tiger Woods and his women, there's info about how Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife. He would book hotel rooms under Mr. & Mrs. Bell (his best friend is Byron Bell). He also text messaged — a lot. MANY of the text exchanges between Tiger and Jaimee Grubbs are printed here — and they were texting right up through Thanksgiving. A snippet:

Tiger: I need you.
Jaimee: Then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: How soon? I got a new piercing.

To check out the rest, see image 11. Meanwhile, Elin was apparently living an "isolated life," jogging alone, wandering around Macy's alone, and eating alone at Cheesecake Factory. Next: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Snoop Dogg reveals that he used to work at McDonald's; he has a "mancave," and his favorite subject was math, "Cuz if it ain't about money, it ain't about me." When Christina Milian and The Dream got married in Rome, she wore a lovely Monique Lhuillier gown; he wore an Alexander McQueen tux with Tom Ford boots. As in: Knee-high boots. (See image 12.) Charlie Sheen's wife Brooke has decided that she will only hire "older women" as nannies. The headline here is: "No Sags, No Wrinkles, No Job." Lastly: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "suddenly serious." His parents live on Long Island and Brit is scheduled to be in New York for three days around Christmas, and she'll visit his parents while she's here!
Grade: C (55°)

From Life & Style

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From Life & Style (but seems like a rip-off of when Us did What's Wrong With Lindsay's Face?)

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From In Touch

From Us

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From Us

Glamour's Stupids-worthy hints include not driving while reading the newspaper (or brushing your teeth), and not putting popcorn inside your vagina. According to the ever-obvious "dos and don'ts" section, you should also not expose your buttcheeks to public view. And woe betide the woman who tries to be "perfect" — she might end up falling down the stairs and breaking her daughter's leg, like Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Using Brezinski's accident as a cautionary tale about "doing too much too soon" seems like a stretch, but if editors couldn't generalize individual women's experiences into prescriptive "tips for all women, ladymags wouldn't exist — and neither would Cover Lies.

The Daily Show has historically gotten a lot of mileage out of Fox & Friends' Gretchen Carlson's "troubled mom" persona, which basically involves wrinkling her nose and innocently wondering what this Obama fellow is up to with our country.

Stewart employs Carlson's own hard-hitting research tactics (Google!) to learn that she may not be as simple and hair-twirling as she lets on. Dumbing yourself down is bad enough when it's to work an audience into a populist frenzy. But disingenuously playing into gendered soccer mom, gee whiz cliches? Evil brilliance.

Earlier Fox News Host Screens Next Generation Of Miss Americas

In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

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In the clip above, Joy asks Levi if he believes that Sarah Palin loves him, as she said on Oprah. "Sex on Skates" tells it like it is: "You've seen her on TV so you can tell she's fake if you're paying attention." (Exactly!)

Joy tries to get Levi to say whether he and Bristol ever had sex in the Palin home. He refuses, but the answer is written all over his face. (In fact, don't you think they probably did it in Sarah and Todd's bed?):


Levi "I ain't ever seen a gay guy in Wasilla" is open-minded about his gay icon status: "They're people too. It doesn't matter to me. More fans, it's great":


This kid and his handlers really need to hurry up with Levi's Book of Palin Secrets, but they probably don't have a release date yet because they're seeing if Palin will run for President in 2012, when a book like Levi's would get the most traction (and do the most damage.) Every time Sarah Palin drives me nuts (lately, several times per day) I'm just going to remember that Levi has explosive secrets yet to share. I just hope that kid kept a diary.


Here's the Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan, who has been obsessed with - some would say unhinged over - Sarah Palin and the former Governor's uterus for over a year at this point. He continues his line of questioning as to the circumstances surrounding the labor and delivery of Palin's youngest son, Trig. (All political conspiracy theories apparently start in Dallas.) "No one does that," he says of Palin's choice to fly home to Alaska while in labor. "No one ever does that." (We love it when men assert knowledge and mastery over female reproductive systems!) Then, he summons the wisdom of Judge Judy.

In the clip above, Dave comes out swinging, beginning his monologue with "Boy, looks like that Tiger Woods is having some trouble, huh?" Audience members go wild with long applause, reminiscent, in a way, of their confused enthusiastic laughter during Letterman's announcement of his own illicit dalliances with members of his staff in October. But what, exactly, are they cheering for here, since Dave has yet to make an actual joke? The fact that someone other than Dave has been brought down by the same bad habit? Just the fact that he's even addressing it? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the applause sign came on, but it's kind of strange. Dave goes on to make jokes about Tiger, and even though they're softballs ("I used to think golf was boring") and most refer self-deprecatingly to Dave's own troubles ("I wish he'd stop calling me for advice"), it's impossible not to feel a sense that Dave is relieved and gleeful that the focus is finally off of him.

Perhaps to minimize the glass-house stone throwing nature of the whole thing, Letterman makes the audience take two polls, asking them by applause if they think Tiger Woods is a jerk, and then if they think he, Dave, is a jerk. The audience applauds both:

Then Dave brings out Tom Hanks, once again, to "react to" the Top 10 List: "Top 10 Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image". (Conspicuously absent: "Get Tom Hanks, the most trusted man in America, to appear by your side during difficult moments"):

This show was basically Letterman's way of putting his own scandal to rest by signaling to his audience that in no way is he going to start treating the infidelity of other famous men, a topic which many have noted has been one of his favorites throughout his show, lightly. If anything, Letterman's status as a fellow "jerk" gives him his own special angle on Tiger and any other future men accused of similar bad behavior. We can probably expect him to pile on the jokes whenever a scandal like this breaks, because unlike Jon Stewart or Conan O'Brien, Dave can always hold up his hands and claim that he's making fun of himself just as much as the joke's victim. He can now own sex scandals by doing what he's always been able to do brilliantly: take any subject and make it about him.