[New York, July 17. Image via Flynet]

Little Girl Runs From President Bush [Chicago Tribune]

1. Land O Lakes Indian Maiden
The company explains: "Because the regions of Minnesota and Wisconsin were the legendary land of Hiawatha and Minnehaha, the idea of an Indian maiden took form." This is a whitewashed way of describing how they hijacked the image of indigenous people to sell dairy products, but whatever. The first painting was done in 1928; it was "modernized" in 1939 to look the way it does now. As a kid, I honestly thought that this was my mom until I realized it was Cher.

Hollywood Casting: Q'orianka Kilcher

2. Mrs. Butterworth
This woman was not always made of plastic. She used to be real glass. She had a bun and she was heavy and sweet and you respected her, because she didn't need (the noticeably absent) Mr. Butterworth to get the job done.

Hollywood Casting: Queen Latifah

3. SunMaid
The young woman on the raisin box has evolved since 1916. She's lost about 20 lbs., but she still has the red bonnet and the basket of grapes. And she still smiles.

Hollywood Casting: Minnie Driver

4. Aunt Jemima

Advertising gimmicks are not always politically correct. The pancake icon was based on a blackface "mammy" character; but R.T. Davis Milling Company hired a woman named Nancy Green to play Aunt Jemima from 1890 to 1923. She was paid, but the ads were disgustingly racist. (Try finding a syrup that is not oppressive! Even Log Cabin gives me pause.) In 1989, Aunt Jemima lost her kerchief, got a relaxer, some pearl earrings and a slimmer look. She kind of resembles Roxie Roker now. But who is woman enough to take on the challenge of playing a controversial character?

5. Utz Girl


The rosy-cheeked chick has been around since 1921, though she's had some anti-aging procedure and now seems much younger now. Her huge eyes and happy smile let you know her potato chips are damn good.

Hollywood Casting: Christina Ricci

6. Little Miss Sunbeam
This blond-haired blue-eyed little girl was on the table before wheat and oats crept into our sandwich bread. Little Miss Sunbeam was born in the 1940s, and she seems part Shirley Temple, part Doris Day and part Buffy and Jody from Family Affair. Or Cindy Brady. An "American Girl" full of "sunshine"…

Hollywood Casting: Abigail Breslin

7. Morton Salt Girl
When it rains it pours, whatever that means. The first umbrella girl appeared in 1914, looking like a toddler; she's grown up some since then. The angled haircut and the umbrella make for an inspired celebrity choice…

Hollywood Casting: Rihanna

8. Coppertone Girl

Introduced in 1959, the impish child whose blue swimsuit bottoms get pulled down by a cocker spaniel was played by a three-year-old Jodie Foster in 1965. Did you know that they changed the logo later because some thought her bare buttocks encouraged pedophilia? Now that the company makes sunscreen instead of tanning oils, the "paleface" message is no longer appropriate and she's been phased out.

Hollywood Casting: Dakota Fanning

9. Tropic-AnaThe Polynesian pretty who used to be topless has since been replaced with an orange and straw. It would be fun if they brought back a female icon who loves exhibitionism, wouldn't it?

Hollywood Casting: Bai Ling

10. Chiquita Banana
Born in 1944, Miss Chiquita was sometimes a lady, sometimes an actual fruit, as seen in this Disney commercial. Her jingle is awesome, even if she was pretty much just a Carmen Miranda rip off.

Hollywood Casting: Salma Hayek?

Don't like these choices? Have some of your own? Suggestions welcome.

[Celebrity images via Getty. Tropic-Ana photo by Michael Poulin via Flickr.]

Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)

In Touch
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)

OK!
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)

Us
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)

Star
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

This is like that scene from Zoolander where he goes home to his dad and brothers at the mine with snakeskin luggage and a garment bag. Except these two are trying (desperately) to fit in. But the one on the left is wearing a $1700 coat while the one on the right is wearing $375 jeans. Oh, sure, you're ready for hard labor.

She may be all oiled up and "working it" but are those boots appropriate for the factory floor? Asking because of the heel, not because they're $380.

"So I says to him, I says, Phil, you can't make an omelet without breakin' any eggs, yaknowwhatImean?"

Working hard or hardly working?

"With the lights out, it's less dangerous."
"Here we are now, entertain us."
"I feel stupid. And contagious."

This is not going to end well. There's going to be a screwdriver in her eye and whatever is in those pipes is sure to leak onto those Dolce & Gabbana boots. Oh, by the by, this entire ensemble is $1793. In this country, a factory job pays about $30,000. You probably bring home only $21,900 of that, meaning you make $1825 a month. So you'd have $32 left over — or $1.06 a day — to eat with that month if you purchased the clothes pictured.

Didn't Rosie the Riveter have a wee bit more muscle in her arms?

"Haha, isn't it fun to pretend to be blue collar?" "OMG totes, I'm gonna eat Hamburger Helper tonight. Kidding! I've got a reservation at Masa."

Jeremy spoke in class today.

Earlier: Marie Claire's "Outlaw" Look: $13,000 Gown & Black Lipstick
Marie Claire's Vietnam Photo Shoot: Apocalypse Wow
Marie Claire's Oh-So-Realistic Trailer Park Photo Shoot
Marie Claire & The 75-Year-Old Bhutanese Model
'Marie Claire' Editors Went To Italy And All They Got Was This Awesome Photo Shoot

I don't read Italian, but some of the headlines and captions have English words. One of the first stories on the "People" page is about Michelle Obama. The next piece is about Spike Lee's film, Miracle At St. Anna, which focuses on four black soldiers trapped behind enemy lines in WWII. There's also a picture of Naomi Campbell and Nelson Mandela with information about the Nelson Mandela Children's Fund, and in the caption, the words "benefit girl." A few pages after that: A short piece about Essence magazine, followed by one about Ebony. It's kind of funny how between the pages of editorial content with black faces, the ads continue to have white faces. In any case, I had to scan the page about Ebony because Lena Horne on the March 1946 cover looks amazing.

Skipping ahead, you'll find a six-page ad for PINKO, starring Naomi Campbell. No matter how you feel about her, you cannot deny that the woman is astounding. She is 38 years old and still built like a thoroughbred.

There are eight pages of up and coming black models called "You Have A Go-See." Maybe it's for the people who claim there are no black models. All of the young women are gorgeous; I scanned three for you guys to check out.

The first big black model shoot is the beauty spread; it's shot by Dusan Reljin. Edgy. Not technically "pretty." The underlying subtext seems to be about the meaning of blackness, the meaning of black as a hue, as a skin tone. Not my cup of tea, but here are a few shots:

Question: Is blackface on a black face still blackface?

Oh! An ad for a company called Quodlibet uses a black model! It's so '80s your hair will crimp.

And so we come to the feature well. The first photo spread is the "Modern Luxe" story by Steven Meisel. Alek Wek, Alva Chinn, Sessilee Lopez, Ubah, Kiara Kabakubu, Noemie Lenoir, Vernoica Webb, Arlenis Sosa, Liya Kebede, Karen Alexander, Iman, Yasmin Warsame, Jourdan Dunn, Gail O'Neill and Chanel Iman appear. Many images have already been on the web, so I'm only scanning a few:

It's awesome to see Karen and Gail since they were in the issues of the fashion magazines I read as a pre-teen magazine junkie and I haven't seen them since.

Next is the shoot appropriately titled "There's Only One Naomi." The photographs (again by Steven Meisel) are like scenes from ordinary days in Miss Thing's life: Luxe, aloof, a little crazy.

After Naomi? Tyra.

Then 8 images of ensembles worn with crazy hats, called "Elegance As A Form."

The "How To Dazzle" shoot is 25+ pages of black and white photography; here are just a few images. In case you're curious about how to dazzle, the mag seems to suggest smoking, large jewelry, turbans and animal print.

Did you know that ANTM alum Toccara Jones was in this issue? She is smoking hot. Aside from the whole woman-is-an-object-like-a-car thing. And she is topless! Absolutely stunning. Gotta love that they included a "womanly" body.

There's one last "Black on Black" shoot, but it pales (heh) in comparison to the rest, so I didn't even bother scanning it. But after counting black models on runways and in magazines and finding them ignored by the fashion industry, this much-anticipated issue really delivered.

Is it a gimmick? Yes. But the fact remains that flipping through the issue and seeing page after page of gorgeous black women can act as a reminder to editors, stylists, modeling agencies and consumers — that beauty comes in many forms. It can be edgy, irreverent, weird, pretty, strong and avant-garde — while being black. While perhaps some may be upset that it took a "stunt" like this to throw a spotlight on the issue of the lack of diversity in magazines and runways, it's actually a beautiful souvenir, a keepsake to remember these troubled times. A protest song in photograph form. Never has the racism issue looked quite so stunning.

Related: Memo Pad [WWD]

On The Runways Of Milan, Color Just Wasn't Considered Chic
Earlier:

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)

OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)

Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)

Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)

In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

See, all this time I'd been assuming the developing countries would always imitate the useless consumption fads and phony neuroses that comprise the sorry substitute for purpose we call "lifestyle" around here. Otherwise, what is the West even good for? Well, funny you should ask, because I have an answer for that: nothing. We are good for nothing. Because I opened the fucking magazine, Anna. I couldn't not open it. And in a few flips of the page I almost regained my belief in something I should know better than anyone is a cynical con designed to sell shit to insecure women and perpetuate a lucrative unending cycle of the creation of new wants, which is to say: beauty. Beauty, of all things! Seriously, I was surprised as you. But check her out.







Who is this stunning broad? Well, look here, they actually give you her name. How gauche — and yet, useful! Don't strain your eyes; it's Lakshmi Menon.







And look, I Googled her! Would you believe she's the new face of Hermes? Not Hermes in India, Hermes in Everywheria!







Of course I fucking would. Look at her.







This girl could start the next Peloponnesian War and I would be like, "And?"







But let's face it, maybe the photographer deserves some credit. Who is this guy?







Do you think the only reason I don't open my magazines anymore is just fatigue with the anemic staged Leibovitz-Testino-Meisel-guy ripping off that guy who got AIDS sameness of Vogue and all the magazines that hire photographers on the sole basis that you launched their careers in Vogue??







Nah, probably not. She's just motherfucking stunning. Look, she doesn't even have a pedicure. Hot.

So anyway, don't blame yourself. The world is flat as the saying goes. So are magazines. Now, once upon a time it seemed like magazines were there to inspire you to get outside, walk around, learn a language, buy a fucking swimsuit, look at the pretty colors, educate yourself on the internal politics of whatever country's populist leader the CIA is trying to depose, and whatever else you're supposed to do. The flatness could almost convey the roundness, if you will. Yeah, I totally thought those days were over too. Maybe not! Oh, and don't bother coming in to get your stuff. Like Samantha says, we have people who can take care of that for us here. People whose children will one day put Bee out of a job, too!

Bestest,







Si

Earlier: Vogue India Debuts With Australian Blonde On Front, Bleeding Heart Inside?

Related: Wintour's Alleged Tryst With Conde Nast Boss [Gawker]

OK!
"Baby Time For Jen." The cover says: "He's in love, she's ready to commit, it's now or never!" Because the mags love to paint Jen as a desperado over the hill spinster with rugratlust. Intern Margaret says, "There's nothing new in this story. They just refer to a 2005 Vanity Fair article. They're not even stealing from recent interviews." Moving on: "Hollywood's Best-Dressed Little Girls" is full of details like: Suri's got a million-dollar wardrobe, Matilda Ledger is a Brooklyn hipster, Ava Phillppe is a "little lady" and not a sex pot. She is eight. Next: Madonna and A-Rod are "sexy new friends." Same old stuff: they have the same manager, they work out at the same place, he invited the kids to watch a Yankee game. Also inside: Dina Lohan is "shocked" that Lindsay might have a secret half-sister. The other woman, Kristi Kaufmann, says "Many times, I offered to do this privately, so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt." Apparently Michael has known about the kid since she was 2! Lastly: "15 Tips For Getting And Keeping A Guy" is a sexist story that beings, "Poor Carrie Underwood is perpetually single. Now OK! is taking her through Dating Boot Camp to whip her love life back into shape." Tips include: "Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body… If you want a perfect set, wear the perfect bra. He won't know the difference… No guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy." Also: "Men love a good booty… With a low-carb diet, this will create the traffic-stopping booty all men pay attention to! In the meantime… Spanx Power Panties can give a girl a good shape until she reaches her body-beautiful level of fitness." Oh, and Tip #8: "Don't panic if he doesn't call… You are not yet his priority, so be patient… To him, a call equals a commitment… And don't call him: girls don't call boys."
Grade: F (soggy unsalted popcorn kernels)

Us
"It's Over!" Have you heard? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the rocks. Apparently they've been in counseling with a rabbi from the Kabbalah center, but "They just can't stand being together." Meanwhile, Madge was sitting in Alex Rodriguez's VIP seats at the Yankee game. Peeps say Madonna won't announce the divorce until her Sticky and Sweet tour is over, on November 30. She fell in love with Guy because he was the only man to ever stand up to her, sources say; "She was so whipped in the beginning she was making him tea and washing his clothes." But! He keeps her on a short leash. She has to drop everything to meet him for dinner every night and she can't be late or, as she says, "He'll kill me." Moving on: The Anne Hathaway story is called "In Love With A Loser" and has all the dirty details about Raffaello Follieri, which we have covered pretty extensively. Next: Hollywood's bikini diets! Jennifer Aniston eats salads, Rihanna ditches carbs, Gwyneth works out, etc. Also inside: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still on! Keanu Reeves seems to be dating China Chow — there are pics of them frolicking on the beach. Naomi Watts is four months pregnant. A Rolling Stone writer went to Amy Winehouse's home to interview her an accidentally saw a picture of her on the phone while "performing a sex act" on hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Amy just laughed and made a joke about multi-tasking.
Grade: D (broken Necco Wafers)

Life & Style
"Hogan Exclusive: An American Family Torn Apart." Last week, Brooke told one of the mags that she doesn't speak to her mother. This week, Brooke says: "I don't talk to her every day like I used to, but we talk." Yawn. Did the show really have 90 million viewers>? Really? Moving on: Does Britney have a "secret plan" to get Kevin back? The mag claims that Kev and Brit want to move to New York together because Brit was in serious talks to be the new Sandy in Grease on Broadway. She really wanted to do it, but her dad said no. Kevin was in talks to be the new UPS guy in Legally Blonde, so yeah. Next: Are Paris and Nicole still friends? In a word, yes. Also inside: Lindsay was flirting with some guy in front of Samantha Ronson and Sam got jealous. She wouldn't even shake the dude's hand when LL introduced them. In "Stars' Slim Down Beauty Secrets," we learn that Lauren Conrad "looks buff side-set pony" and "peachy gloss plays up" Eva Longoria's "bone structure." So much bullshit, so little time.
Grade: C- (melted Milk Duds)

In Touch
"Who's Really Pregnant?" This story is really vague, but if you read closely, you'll discover that Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyoncé are not pregnant. Moving on: In an interesting twist, there's a story about a malecelebrity being too thin! Marc Anthony is "scary skinny" and "has a love-hate relationship with food." He's 5 foot 7 and 110 lbs. "You have to understand what it's like to be Puerto Rican and thin," says Mark. "It's painful." We've helpfully scanned a photo for you (Fig. 1). Also inside: Cute new picture of Harlow Madden (Fig.2)! Kate Moss's daughter has an I ♥ Kate Moss T-shirt. "Heartbroken" Anne Hathaway has lost 25 lbs. (Fig. 3). Heather Locklear, who is in rehab for depression and meds, has a "dangerously wild side she's kept hidden from the world." This is illustrated by a bunch of pictures of Heather looking like a drunken mess. Um, we present, without comment, a story called "Mini-Me Cheated On Me." See Fig. 4. Also, have you seen Lindsay Lohan's rumored half-sister from a lady Michael Lohan hooked up with about 13 years ago? (See Fig. 5) Megan Fox has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green, but she has a "Brian" tattoo on her hip, so the mag helpfully suggests she could date news anchor Brian Williams, Conan O'Brien or Brian, the dog from Family Guy. Next: In an interview, George Clooney says, "I'm not a playboy. If I'd been with all the women that I was said to have been with, I wouldn't have had the time to shoot one single movie." He also says: "If you have beautiful and strong hair, then you're successful with women. In the case of [my] hair loss, it's all over." And! "I spend at least three or four hours a day in the bathroom. Being sexy day and night is a big responsibility. And I like taking it!" Next, "Hollywood's Best Boobs" is a photo-driven six page oeuvre which focuses on the mammaries. Audrina Patridge, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Aniston are lucky enough to be on this list. Number one? Jessica Simpson. Lastly: The best thing in the mag was a picture of puppies. (Fig 6.)
Grade: C+ (stuck-together Gummi bears)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup." This story is supposed to make you feel better, because "even celebs need help to look fab." But here's what the mag says about stars: Katherine Heigl: "There is no excuse for baring those bumps on her forehead." Eva Longoria: "Without contouring, her face appears puffy and full, and the 33-year-old's eyes are lost without defining liner." Kim Kardashian "loses much of her sizzle without her vampy game face. But she also looks years younger — and remarkably wholesome!" This nit-picking of women goes on for ten pages. Moving on: When Ben Affleck first got together with Jen Garner, he told her he was sober and had stopped playing poker. But! He still plays in private games all over L.A. and bets tens and even hundreds of thousands of dollars on hands. Jen's ultimatum: Give it up or lose your family. Next: Inside Lindsay and Samantha's "Hot Romance!" The "hottest young same-sex couple" are "playing house and loving every minute of it." And yes, they share a bed! A source says, "Sam's the boss, the husband, Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them." Also, "Lindsay brags that they have great morning sex." They share salads at restaurants because they are determined to stay thin for each other, because they think a lean look makes them hot. They also splurge on naughty sex toys and when they're not together, each of them sprays perfume on a piece clothing for the other to take with her. Sam lent LL her $180 vintage Foreigner sweatshirt and she doused it with Clinique Happy. They also want to get a dog; LL wanted a little pup but Sam suggested they adopt a mutt, so they're visiting shelters to look for a cute canine. "Sam's the only person who has managed to make Lindsay feel loved and protected and respected." a source says. "Everyone else in Lindsay's life has used her." Awww. Sniff. Also inside: Spencer and Heidi want to be the next Sonny and Cher, they're in talks with ABC to develop a variety show. Heather Locklear spent a weekend at home binging on drugs and alcohol before heading into rehab. She was on anti-depressants, pain meds, prescription and non-prescription drugs and sleeping pills while boozing it up. Oh, and coke.
Grade: A, downgraded to B- for cover story (misshapen M&Ms)

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Over the weekend a successful young fashion model touched off a minor media circus by killing herself. Almost immediately, details of the beautiful life cut tragically short swooped in to fill blanks; the apocryphal tale of her "discovery" by benevolent industry scouts; her melancholy poems; how she'd been watching "Ghost" the night before. It was mostly bullshit. But there is something about great beauty that inoculates us to the more mundane realities of life, which was that Ruslana Korshunova was an immigrant from a desperately poor country who came to New York at a scarily young age to make money to send back to her parents. In that way she was no different from the tens of thousands of kids from former socialist states whose parents send them thousands of miles to work in restaurants and gas stations. It's generally more legal, and the living conditions a little nicer, but as our anonymous model columnist Tatiana has discussed before in this space, the people governing a model's fate are no less predatory and self-interested, and the experience is only slightly less anonymous. Herewith, Tatiana's initial thoughts on the suicide of a pretty girl from Almaty:

At around 2:30 in the afternoon on Saturday, a 20-year-old model named Ruslana Korshunova jumped from the balcony of her ninth floor apartment in New York's financial district. A Kazakhstani of Russian heritage, she had modeled since the age of 15; top London agency Models 1's Debbie Jones tells a great story about her discovery and tracking-down of Korshunova after seeing her pictured at German club in an in-flight magazine. (I suspect Jones is spinning a typical fashion creation myth: Korshunova told UK Elle magazine that when she was 15, she submitted her own photos to the Moscow agency iCasting, a version somewhat shorter on romance and international intrigue but vastly more believable.)

Korshunova followed the usual career path of an Eastern European model — working abroad from a young age to send money back to her parents, who remained in Kazakhstan — albeit with considerably more success than is common. A slight 5'7.5" with braces and Rapunzel-esque hip-length hair, Korshunova nonetheless shot out of the normal model demi-monde of sometimes sweet, sometimes snide, always obsessive commentary on TheFashionSpot.com. She wowed casting agents and booked a slew of clients during her five years in the business. Korshunova worked for Marc Jacobs, Blumarine, Vera Wang,
Paul Smith, DKNY and Moschino; she booked a cosmetics campaign for Clarins and starred in a Nina Ricci perfume ad. She shot with Mario Sorrenti, Patrick Demarchelier, and Paolo Roversi. She had covers for European editions of Vogue and Elle, she had pictures inside American, Japanese, and Italian Vogue. Korshunova, it appeared, had grabbed fashion's brass ring.

She had achieved the kind of career that must have been reasonably consistent, and decently-paid, though of course pursued in total anonymity — even her doorman told the New York Daily News he didn't know the girl he saw return home at 5 a.m. on Saturday was a successful international model.

No doubt this is a story made more interesting in the eyes of some by the allure of Korshunova's profession. Journalists have already taken to calling Korshunova "the beauty," "the lithe looker," "the 5'8" head-turner," "the green-eyed blonde beauty," playing the fashion industry's own exoticizing, objectifying game. On Fox news - where else? — Geraldo Rivera showed "the last images" Korshunova. The camera lingered over her dead body — pale, bloodied, and partly covered by a sheet — while Rivera in a voice-over called Korshunova's ex-boyfriend's description of the model as "a good person" a "kind of a lame quote." I am not linking here on purpose.

It is as a woman, not a mannequin, that I'm sure Korshunova's loved ones will remember her. And irrespective of her field, one has to wonder at the process by which a girl decides to kill herself four days before her 21st birthday.

I did not know Ruslana Korshunova, but I do know something of depersonalization and loneliness of this profession, and its occasional outright miseries (Korshunova also told UK Elle, of her worst professional experience, "We were in the Alps shooting, high
up in the snow, and I was wearing a tiny dress. We were so very cold and it was snowing so hard — we couldn't see a thing. I thought I would not live to see another day.") The Daily News reports that Korshunova wrote long messages in English and Russian on a social networking site; the messages make frequent mention of things like love, desire, dreams, and rainbows; they
read as the missives of a very young girl who has discovered that romance often fails to live up to its promise. Korshunova quoted inspirational Internet poetry about the importance of forgiving quickly, kissing slowly, loving truly, and laughing uncontrollably, which the Daily News apparently mistook for her original work. In March, she wrote, "I'm so lost. Will I ever find myself?" In her most recent post, on May 30, she mused angrily that "Love does not take away from one in order to give to another."

Korshunova spent her last night watching Ghost with her ex-boyfriend, 24-year-old Ukrainian immigrant Artem Perchenok.

Many models would have envied Korshunova's career; many women would have envied her beauty. But clearly, leaving home at 15 to travel the world under the often-lax in loco parentis care of a series of agencies, even when it culminates in a nice Craig McDean editorial and a Dior Beauté campaign or three, can take a devastating toll.

Maybe they didn't know about the mace, stun gun and EMPTY HAND GRENADE CANISTERS cops reported finding in his room after he tried to enter a female officer's dorm? Anyway, he failed to "grow up" much, spending his residency masturbating six or seven times a day at work and garnering complaints from female patients, one of whom finally pressed sexual assault charges, to which he pled guilty and got out of practicing medicine. So he could work as a "medical investigator" offering a second opinion on... SEXUAL HARRASSMENT SUITS.

UPDATE: The Toronto Sun re-posted the story on its wesbite.

The Toronto Sun

The most promiscuous women, according to Dimitri's website, are saleswomen (especially real estate agents), nannies, schoolteachers (especially elementary and early childhood education), nurses and lawyers (criminal and civil litigation in particular).

Dimitri charges $40 to attend one of his weekday meetings, $269 for an annual membership to his "lair" and as much as $2,997 plus GST for a two-day workshop advertised on his website, dimitrithelover.com, where "Dimitri The Lover creates a powerful identity for you that women will find irresistible."

Also from the website:

"Learn the secret physical, verbal and psychological techniques used by Dimitri the Lover to seduce, pleasure and sexually enslave women," says one of his program outlines.

Or this: "A man's 'basic operating system' is composed of 'rapist' and 'murderer' programs which have been hard-wired into his brain.

And here's a snippet from his marketing materials:

"Dimitri The Lover is the ONLY pickup guru in the world WITH PROFESSIONAL CREDENTIALS TO BACK HIM UP who has conducted IN-FIELD MEDICAL RESEARCH ON SEDUCTION!!!" he proclaims in another.

However, his troubled past and medical credentials are hardly worth bragging about.

Dimitri the Lover's real name is James N. Sears.

…

By 1986, Sears was in the Canadian Armed Forces and while still a third-year medical student was evaluated by a military psychiatrist who suggested there was "something seriously wrong" with Sears.

He was shunned by fellow students because of his behaviour. A female officer complained he repeatedly tried to enter her room, and military police found "a can of Mace, several knives, two empty smoke grenade canisters and an electronic stun gun" in his room following an incident.

As a result of his antics, Sears had to repeat a year of medical school. Despite documented reservations, he graduated from U of T as a doctor in 1988.

During his internship at Doctors Hospital in Toronto, Sears skipped duties, drank while on call, indulged in "inappropriate self-use of prescription drugs," according to the College hearing record.

Sears was judged "immature" in a subsequent psychiatric assessment and it was noted he displayed "inappropriate behaviour towards female staff members," and was viewed by peers as "un -trustworthy, cynical and narcissistic."

He underwent psychotherapy and was admitted to Ottawa's National Defence Medical Centre in 1990 for evaluation and treatment.

There, "record was made of numerous, random and obsessive telephone calls to women during which he would sometimes masturbate," and evidence suggested "prescribable substance abuse," according to the College hearing records.

However, after a conclusion of "no clear evidence of major psychiatric illness," Sears was cleared to return to medical practice.

Disgraced Doctor is T.O.'s Seduction Guru [Toronto Sun]

Portrait Of A Pickup Artist [Eye Weekly]
Whistleblower: Unlicensed Doctor Hangs Out Shingle [CTV]

[On a frivolous note, it should be said that these books do have great clothes: lots of polyester pants suits, neck-tie blouses, the occasional shawl and dresses that hint at "soft feminine curves." If approached by New York Magazine's "Look Book" or even the Time Out's "Public Eye," — hasn't happened — I always planned to characterize my look as "Harlequin heroine circa 1981, pre-makeover" (since I still have the undesirable specs, curly hair of a woman denying her femininity.)]

I recently came across the most appalling specimen of this genre I've ever encountered: 1980's Promise at Midnight by one Lilian Peake, which might be called the ur-HarRo. Shona Carroll is a sad-sack pianist engaged to a flautist named Calvin, who's always insulting her. 'Average, Calvin had called her, not good enough to carry her far in the world of music. Certainly not to the heights to which he aspired. And she agreed with him uncomplainingly.' She joins him on a cruise as his accompanist, ('she knew it was praise because he didn't curse her') where she is promptly thrown against The Hero, Marsh Faraday, by the ship's tossing.

Marsh Faraday, naturally, has a granite-like profile with 'etched lines betraying a worldly cynicism' and seems to have no expressions other than "mocking smiles", "taunting looks," "faintly derisive" eyes, "cynical amusement," and, just to shake it up, the occasional "unsmiling gaze." Due to turbulence on the high seas, Shona gets thrown against his steely thighs every couple of pages. "If he thinks, she told herself, he can reduce me to simpering adulation of his male physique and magnetic good looks by assessing me as if I were being auditioned for his harem then he's mistaken."

Long story short: fiance takes up with a blonde and declares they need to keep their engagement secret; Shona agrees; Marsh Faraday suggests they have a pretend affair for unclear reasons; sexy abuse ensues.

His mouth hit hers with a force which ground her lips against her teeth." She breaks away but, "as her muscles had tensed, so his hold had tightened. Now, in his anger at her body's repulsion of him, his arms became like cruel bonds. 'After that supreme bit of 'I'm your for the taking' act, you have the cheek to imply, with all the female 'no-go' signs you can muster, that you want me to get the hell out of here?' In his anger his nails were making piercing dents in her flesh." She says she's engaged. "'The devil you are!' He threw her from him and she staggered. 'Not judging by the way you pressed yourself against me when I caught you, the way you kissed me back when I kissed you. You felt like a woman who's been wandering in the desert for months, devoid of all male contact - and do I mean contact!

"That's not true,' she flung back, knowing he was right but knowing, too, that nothing would make her admit it. 'It-it was a reflex action, pure and simple. I-I hated it, really. I hate the - the very taste of your lips.' With the back of her hand, she wiped her mouth. The ship pitched again and again she was thrown off balance. This time he let her fall. She went backwards against the bed, hitting her head against the telephone and radio as she went down."

Wait, you're not entertained? Aroused? Huh. And we haven't even gotten to the part where he throttles her. Or spanks her in public. And by the way, I'm also leaving out, like, twenty pages of insults from both men, indulgent 'my-son-is-such-a-scamp' talk from his mother, a speech about how "when the prey is juicy and desirable and casts scent trails behind it, then it can't complain if the predator springs and captures it and proceeds to tear it apart" and a couple more fake engagements.

And then, of course, he explains how it was all for her own good because he loves her.

"I know what you deserve,' he said, and his hand reached out to close her lips which were opened on a gasp of protest. 'Marriage to me, and that's what you're going to get.'
'Are you proposing?' she asked, her body trembling now for a different reason.
'Not proposing - informing, demanding, stating. And you're agreeing. Right?'
Her brown eyes melted as they gazed into his. 'You're dictatorial and you're overbearing and you're a tyrant, Marsh Faraday, but -' she curled into him, 'I love you so much and I've loved you from the moment-'" He mashes her mouth.

For all our sakes, let's hope our mothers weren't reading these while we were in utero, as they remain one of the most disturbingly perverse phenomena I've ever encountered, a slap in the face to any women's rights gains that were concurrently taking place. (I'm guessing that my own mother, a member of the short-lived "Women's Bank of New York" at the time, was probably not receptive.) Oh, and if you see any, send 'em my way - lest we forget and all that. And, um, I need the fashion inspiration.

Promise At Midnight [Amazon]

It's not just because she has emphysema, though that obviously doesn't help. It's because she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, and is so far from admitting to any addiction that attempts to help her would be futile. Not that anyone is actually trying to help her, mind you. Hoffman writes, "at Winehouse's place, there's no publicist or manager to be seen, no crisis-management squad deployed to save one of the decade's most successful female vocalists from public shame. That's not Winehouse's style — it's just her and a girlfriend. British singer Remi Nicole pores over the paper, annoyed, telling her friend that all this scandal has to stop."

And even the construction of that sentence: no publicist, manager or crisis management squad — what about the people who actually care about her? Are there any of them out there? At this point, even Britney Spears' famewhoring family swooped in and wrested control of Britney's life and finances. Meanwhile, Amy's parents are talking to the Daily Mail instead of their daughter. And still, with her health in serious danger, Amy breezily says things like, "I've never been to rehab, I mean, done it properly…I'm young, and I'm in love, and I get my nuts off sometimes. But it's never been like, 'Amy, get your life together. '"

But even if someone locked Amy up in rehab, she'd have to want to get better. And the following exchange between Amy and Remi Nicole makes me realize she probably never will. "'I want to fall in love like Amy,'" says Nicole. 'I think I've been in love before.' Winehouse lifts her head: 'No, no, if you had, you'd be dead because you weren't together.'" She's so caught up in the utterly idiotic, sophomoric romantic notion of a Romeo and Juliet love affair, that she's destined for the same star-cross'd fate.

"Up All Night With Amy Winehouse" [Rolling Stone]

Earlier: Amy Winehouse Diagnosed With Emphysema

It occurs to me that frequently in these columns, there is a moment where, finally alone and generally late into the night of a long day, I find myself reduced to tears by some list of knocks and slights. Perhaps this only means I need a new device; I don’t think of myself as such a sad sack figure as all that. But this week, actually the night after my spirit-crushing turn as a volunteer clotheshorse for a designer who most definitely could have afforded to pay me, my sadness metastasized not into tears, but into a rage-inflected political platform that just might transform my industry.

Well, OK, first I cried. Then I thought: models should unionize to work for better conditions and rates of pay.

It’s a common misconception that modeling is easy, safe and highly lucrative — the reality is that the girls with the million-dollar campaigns are so rare I wouldn’t believe they actually existed if I didn’t see them at night clubs during fashion week. Most models I know are lucky if they are working at all; between agency commissions (70% in Paris, 50% in Milan, 20% in New York), travel expenses, and rent in the various pricey cities in which we are required to live, your eventual wages come so garnished I’ve known plenty of models who can’t always afford food. Even the girls who are lucky enough to work every day are doing well if they break even, and can sneak off to Germany or Los Angeles or Hong Kong and make a quick buck shooting catalog jobs every once in a while.

And safe? Once I was staying with a girl from Seattle in a shitty one-bedroom (total number of models: six! Minimum in rent our agency would’ve made from the shitty one-bedroom that month, assuming a consistent model population: $5400!). We were both on option for the same editorial (daily rate: $150 and lunch). She got the job.

She returned home nine hours later, hair and body painted silver. The magazine was doing a “green” issue; this eco-conscious theme was enacted in, variously, shots in which the poor Seattle girl had a tulip plant placed in her mouth, shots in which she had to lie on top of a scratchy 8 ft. hedgerow while the photographer shot from a crane, and shots in which she closed her eyes and shards of broken glass were applied to her face. They put dirt in her mouth and glass on her eyelids and painted her silver from head to toe. My roommate showered twice and vomited once that night.

Models have incredibly short-lived careers, and our collective youth, third-world origins, and the instability of the market we work in makes our bargaining positions, individually, weak. For every 15-year-old wunderkind who stalks 40 runways a season and books $100,000 perfume campaigns for college money, there are at least a hundred girls who turn 25 with a few grand in bank at best, realize their careers are over, and that they never graduated high school.

It’s also no wonder given how close many models are to insolvency that there are areas where modeling shades into prostitution; modeling sort of prepares you — trains you, even — to see your income in your own body. And also to hang around with plenty of creepy, older, rich dudes. A + B can = C. The BBC did an exposé in 2000 that caught Milanese businessmen on hidden camera trying to buy sex from models as young as 13 in night clubs, and uncovered evidence of agency bookers acting as procurers and drug dealers. In the furor that ensued, Gérard Marie and Xavier Moreau, two top executives at the Elite agency, lost their jobs. The industry promised a clean-up. There was talk of “standards,” of girls younger than 17 being accompanied by chaperones at all times, of blacklisting clients who used or promoted drugs.

Gérard Marie — who was filmed soliciting a reporter who he thought was a model for sex — is currently back at the helm of Elite Paris. I do not know if the man who explained his desire to sleep with underaged models thusly: “We are men, we have our needs” has reformed. I do know that such episodes of revolving-door contrition and forgiveness fill me with disgust, and that one of the biggest tasks of any models’ union would be to keep its membership safe.

A union would also offer, obviously, the benefits of collective bargaining. The overwhelming counterweight of the fashion business class’s wealth give models an unacceptably weak negotiating position. A union could help insure models’ best long-term interests are served by their jobs — a union could argue for retirement benefits, and, in the USA, health insurance coverage. A union could mandate that sufficient time be given for models under 16 to attend school, without setting back their careers. A union could also serve as a voice for models’ interests in the ongoing debate over what is perhaps our biggest immediate health issue — the slightly-un