Ratings are out of a possible five bulbs of garlic.

Bill Compton, True Blood. While he's rather morose and generally humorless, at least he has fangs and doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Claudia, Interview With The Vampire.
Forget Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt: The creepiest bloodsucker in the adaptation of the Anne Rice book was Kirsten Dunst's child monster, all curly hair and demon thoughts. Remember when she brought home the twins for Lestat, and they were poisoned? Evil!
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Eli, Let The Right One In. You want awkward tweenage love story? You want blood? This Swedish art film delivers, beautifully. Eli is the mysterious girl-next-door; Oskar's a bullied kid who could use someone in his corner. This large-eyed little vamp is simultaneously sweet and unsettlingly menacing. (Check out the trailer here.)
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

David, The Lost Boys. Keifer Sutherland makes it look so cool. He's got chicks, a posse, and a cave hangout. He may or may not make you eat worms and drink blood — but that's the price you pay for hanging with the right crowd! Look, that's Bill, from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure on the far right! See how connected these vamps are?
Rating: Five garlic bulbs

Blade. So maybe he's half vampire. But Wesley Snipes was a badass VOC (that's vampire of color) with a Buddhist outlook, sharp weapons and the advantage of being a daywalker.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Selene, Underworld. Since she and her vamp vicious circle were so busy hunting werewolves, they weren't much of a threat to humans, and therefore not very scary. Kick ass and gorgeous, but not scary.
Rating: Two garlic bulbs

Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Many BTVS fans worshipped Angel, Buffy's brooding first love, but Spike, the devilish, quippy, smart-ass, black nail polish-wearing vamp who once said, "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it," was actually the better character. Part Billy Idol, part Bowie, part rabid dog, Spike's cuckoo mate, Drusilla, once asked him, "Do you love my insides? The parts you can’t see?" Answered Spike: "Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet!" This is how a vampire thinks: He loves you so much he may dine on you. We never quiet get that from Edward Cullen.
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

Special mentions: Laddie from The Lost Boys, The Count, Dracula, and, of course, Blacula.
Update/Addendum:

Box Office Report: 'Twilight' Sinks Its Teeth Into A Blockbuster Debut [EW]
Why Do We Love Vampires? [iVillage]
Earlier: Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit
I Was A Teenage Trend-Hater: Despising Twilight Is Big For Fall
Twilight: "Questionable Casting, Wooden Acting, Laughable Dialogue And Truly Awful Makeup"
Breaking Dawn: What To Expect When You're Expecting... A Vampire

• Picture it: the Jezebel nursing home, the year 2068. We'll turn on our headchips to watch the disembodied skull of Oprah host her show, and Jennifer Aniston, having been cryogenically frozen, will have been unfrozen just to make an appearance. Oprah will still ask Jen how she feels about Angelina Jolie and Jen will still think that what Angelina did was "very uncool." We may die, but this story will live on forever.
• We found out the hard way that putting garlic up your nono is a no no.
• Did we earn our yeast infections the same way Bikini Cory earned her nickname?
• Joan Didion: officially more depressing than the mere existence of Bikini Cory.
• Not depressing at all: this almost unbearably cute precocious French toddler. We just want to hear lil' Amelie say "crocodeeel" all day long.
• Maybe she should have a cute-off with Maru, the box loving kitty from Japan.

• Speaking of kitties! We said Hello, Blingee Kitty at the Sanrio Luxe opening.
• We searched at home and abroad for for broads in our booze cabinets.
• Obama may have been elected, but as long as fugly shoes clog up our stores, the national nightmare will continue.
• You guys, it's Friday. So indulge in some hot food porn and have a good weekend!

When one gets yeast infections easily — at the first whiff of an antibiotic or the slightest weakening of the immunities — you know the early warning signs, a slight burning itch that predates the proverbial "cottage-cheese-like discharge" (ew) by a few days. When I felt it the other night, I cursed my bad luck: I didn't feel like the hassle of calling the doctor and dreaded the chemical burn of the Monistat egg. (I like the little egg.) In any event, the pharmacy was closed for the night.

I took to the internet, hoping to find a useful home remedy. And, as is generally the case with homeopathic remedies, the answer was garlic — which, if you believe some of these sites, is prevented from conquering penicillin only due to sinister medical conspiracies involving drug companies. Having, on the internet's advice, attempted placing a garlic clove in my ear (ear infection) and eating raw cloves (a cold) in the past with no great rate of success, I was dubious. But I was eager to stop the infection in its tracks, and lord knows I had a full braid of garlic in the kitchen. What did I have to lose? Besides, I liked the idea of brewing my own cures and outwitting the medical industry with ancient female know-how.

According to the various sites I consulted, the treatment was no more complicated than slipping in a peeled clove and going to bed. Said Midwifery Today, with authority, "the reason that the treatment is done at bedtime is that there is a connection between the mouth and the vagina. The moment the garlic is placed in the vagina, the taste of the garlic travels up to the mouth. Most people will find this strong flavor annoying during the day, so the treatment is recommended for nighttime. " As someone who's never fully understood why lead can't be turned into gold, this explanation made complete sense to me. Although a few sites recommended wrapping the garlic in a bit of cheesecloth, I deemed this a frill. Besides, I didn't have any cheesecloth handy and was sick of bringing cheese into the conversation.

Luckily my boyfriend was working a night shift; I can think of few things less erotic than slipping into bed with intimate love on your mind and coming into contact with a garlic clove in someone's vaginal canal, like a secret vampire deterrent or something. I tossed and turned. I fancied I could feel the garlic moving through my body to my mouth. I could smell it. I had a garlic clove up my vagina.

At three a.m. I leapt up, furious. The garlic was not working! I decided to up the dosage, which apparently meant chopping a clove in half so the antioxidant juices could better make contact. First I had to get the old one out, which was no easy matter; the garlic clove had migrated. I had a moment of panic when I was convinced I'd never be able to retrieve it. I managed to do so only by means of complicated muscle exercises which do not bear getting into but will doubtless come in handy should I ever need to birth a baby, After this narrow escape, I decided to wrap the new, higher dosage in — well, I didn't have any cheesecloth, so I used a clean scrap of vintage handkerchief. I went back to bed. And, then, the garlic hit. It was agony — far, far worse burning than anything I'd ever experienced from Monistat — which hurts. I stuck it out for three minutes or so, then could bear it no longer. Luckily the tail of cloth I had made facilitated things this time around.

The experiment was over; it had been an abject failure —or I had. The next day, two showers, a bath and a dose of Monistat later, I was on the mend. But when I went to my mom's house for dinner and she produced chicken with forty cloves of garlic...my appetite was diminished.