Jezebel
consensus building
Posts Tagged “
Fucking
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The Secret Sex Lives of Female Chimpanzees
Leaving aside the strangeness of a research project that involves watching monkeys fucking all day, scientists studying chimpanzees in Uganda have made the interesting discovery that our closest animal relatives know when to be discreet about their sex lives. Although female chimps will advertise that they're in estrus (i.e., fertile) with a specific call, they only occasionally make noise during sex. In fact, if there are higher-status female chimps around or if they are mating with lower status-males (which was about two-thirds of the time in the study), female chimps are silent while mating. It's only when they're having sex with high-status males that they advertise that fact vocally. Perhaps the Budongo Forest of Uganda is more like Hollywood or New York than anyone realized? [NY Times]
consensus building
hell is other people
Girl Scout Robber Stefanie Woods: Sociopath? Or Helpless Victim Of The Terrible Disease Of Painkiller Addiciton?
Stefanie Woods is a photogenic 18-year-old whose crime spree has captivated idyllic Palm Beach. If Law & Order taught me anything it's that she's also a sociopath. But see if you think I'm giving humanity too much credit: it all started when Woods, a part-time model, started chatting up a nine-year-old Girl Scout selling cookies outside a Wynn Dixie. Then she had a friend grab the kid's envelope of $168 and ran back to her car. (This crime was convicted as petty theft and has been referred to in media reports as a "ripoff" but I am pretty sure there are states in which you'd call it "robbery," especially if her name had been so curiously spelled by a non-Caucasian parent, but whatevs.) Okay, then she came back to the same grocery store, and bragged about what she'd pulled off. Then she gave the finger to news cameras. She declared her lack of remorse before a camera. More »
a matter of perspective
What Constitutes a Dry Spell?
I like sex a lot. There, I've said it. I have had my moments in life when I thought that I ought not to like it that much, when I was embarrassed by how much I like it, when I've blushed when a dude has said something along the lines of "Wow, you seem to have a lot more fun than most women." I've been a serial monogamist; the girl that doesn't want to do it on the first date; the girl who wants to do it on the first date but won't; and at some point I thankfully graduated to being a woman who has sex when I want to have sex with a given person who is equally willing. Also, I got off the Pill, got my heart broken a bunch, realized I might not actually "find" someone permanent, stopped judging myself and turned 30, and between all of that my libido kind of went through the roof. Last night, I complained to Anna that, having recently ended a thing with a guy, I was already feeling the weight of the dry spell. Yeah, it's been a whole ten days since I had sex and I'm complaining that this is a dry spell. Let's all join me after the jump to wonder what's wrong with me. More »
d-list celebrity justice
Assailant Anchor Alycia Lane Is Free! But Whither The Fucking Dykes?
Alycia Lane, beater-up of cops and coiner of the creative derogatory term "You fucking dyke!" is free on felony charges. You know, Alycia scrappy, self-promoting famous-for-Philadelphia news anchor, bilingual emailer of bikini photos of herself to married male news anchor "friends", teary interviewer of Dr. Phil and alleged assailant of a New York police officer last December. And we're kind of happy for her! Sure, assault on a police officer is by default considered to be "aggravated," and Alycia's slapping of this particular cop apparently resulted in "lacerations," which sounds pretty aggravated on its own! But the thing is, now that she has entered the ranks of People Who Are Famous Exclusively For Getting Arrested and in the process, COINER OF OUR FAVE PHRASE "You fucking dykes," we didn't want Alycia to have to serve jail time — not yet! Let her go, let her hang out with Howard Stern, pose for Playboy, find her way back to TV, give her the leniency she so clearly doesn't deserve...it is all she needs to find within herself the audacity to do something truly idiotic and offensive once more. More »
crappy hour
John McCain's Totally Hot Great Grand- Er, Son!
Hottie alert! Meet John McCain's son Jack McCain. He enjoys surfing, cooking, poetry, some weird Japanese drag racing subculture they made into a Fast & Furious sequel you definitely didn't see, and being in the U.S. American armed forces like dad. He's momentarily taking over campaign blogging for his sister Meghan, who is sick. (She "went to the doctor today and had it confirmed." Pregnant sick? Let's vote "no" for poor Meghan, but "yes" for the country?!) Anyway, we're presenting Jack to you because he is cute but moreover because we scoured his profile and could find absolutely nothing that brushed up upon any of those finely tuned Sixties Sensors so beloved by the Boomers. And while we can't exactly be thankful we got laid last night, we certainly can be thankful that it is starting to look like America is for the very first time EVER going to have an election that has nothing to do with the sixties! That and school shootings, Danny Ortega's valentine to Barack Hussein Obama, with me and Megan as usual etc. etc. so you know what to do just JUMP! More »
clips
Diane Keaton Drops The F-Bomb On Good Morning America
This morning, Diane Keaton was on GMA, fawning over Diane Sawyer's plump lips, saying she'd love to have lips like that, then she wouldn't have had to "work on my fucking personality." That shit didn't even get bleeped! Sawyer's big, juicy bottom lip dropped down with her jaw, as she bent over laughing. Keaton quickly excused herself, and apologized. But we have to say that after watching this, we're so fucking glad that Keaton has fucking thin lips because we really love her fucking personality.
dear fucking dykes
Why I Am Not The Biggest Fan Of Hillary Clinton
Sorry about that, guys. When I said "Women suck" in that morning IM thingy I do? That wasn't actually my true opinion. I was just making a joke to express my surprising degree of anger with some of them. See, I am idealistic enough to think that maybe the South isn't so irredeemably racist that a few of its states wouldn't fall for the well-spoken black guy. I am idealistic enough to believe that America could actually, all things considered, vote for someone with the potential to be a truly Great President. I am idealistic enough to think that it is possible to elect a President whom it would actually serve other world leaders to befriend, not for the purposes of extracting trade concessions or pushing down tariffs in a bid to expand the markets of our Fortune 500 companies or getting China to devalue the yuan, but for making democracy look like a good idea. For making it look like a system of government designed not only to conveniently serve voters' material interests but one that challenges them to want to improve society. And I know it's a long shot, but who was the last Senator with experience navigating big city municipal politics and teaching Constitutional law? Okay, so. More »
A new study shows that urban dwellers might be at a greater risk for breast cancer than their rural counterparts. Researchers at the the London Breast Institute found that women who lived in London had "significantly denser breasts than those living outside the city," says Science Daily. Women with dense breasts as opposed to fatty breasts are four times more likely to develop breast cancer. The head of the London Breast Institute, Dr. Nicholas M. Perry, stresses the importance of regular mammograms for all women regardless of geographical location. [Science Daily]
polls
The Really Unmentionable: A Back-Door Banging Primer & Poll
When Pillhead IM'd me a couple of days ago to ask for a comment for her fabulous piece (no pun intended), it got me thinking about that idiot guy and his fascination/obsession with anal sex. To a degree, no matter how much women will dish on vaginal intercourse and cunnilingus, there are very few of women that are willing to go on record about what they like about (and how to have fulfilling) anal sex. Which is why, when I need to get information on the subject, I have to either get my girlfriends really, really drunk or ask a gay friend — which always goes ever so well. Their thoughts, and a poll, are after the jump. More »
turning the other cheek
Christians Who Spank And The Wives Who Eroti-Blog It
We've heard all about Christian punk rock and Christian diet gurus, Christian theme parks and Christian joke rap, but we are eternally indebted to Salon for introducing us to the nascent (and quite possibly not really real) movement that is Christian sadomasochism, also known as "Christian Domestic Discipline." Salon, unfortch, gets all, "stop fucking with us, Christians, we know you can't really be sex-positive, although, OMG, not that we would ever be biased against Christians solely for being Christian, but seriously on the other hand what if we've just stumbled upon the next NAMBLA and we're treating it as a legitimate subculture because it's Christian??" about it. Yeah, we're not going to wrestle with any of that, because, well, as Christian discipline-recipient Debbie Lee put it in her blog, this is exactly the kind of thing the comments section was designed to "discipline":The only excuse I can muster is that I was hurrying to make the library before it closed. I couldn't argue that this was exactly the kind of thing a discipline was designed to manage. I was taken into the bedroom and told to lean over the foot of the bed with my knees on the bed."More »
TMZ is now reporting that Nicole Richie is indeed pregnant with Joel Madden's child. Do what you will with this information, because honestly? Today we are more interested in boy things, like farts, peeing while standing, and, you know, Girls Gone Wild. [TMZ]
fucking the man
How Our Generation Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Sexual Harrassment
"It's only sexual harrassment if your boss is ugly." Thus spoke casting agent "Chrissy, 26" in the latest issue of listings weekly Time Out New York, a sentiment which made us smile in agreement to ourselves before we resumed feeling guilty about being terrible feminists. But then! We picked up the latest issue of our favorite womanly magazine, Psychology Today, and read: Sexual harassment just proves a boss is totally about the equal rights! As the story explains, what we think of as the "patriarchy" is just a bunch of bossmen so horny they'll do whatever they can to get you to fuck them. But what if they get all nasty and degrading about it? It's just a sign of their respect. "Long before women entered the labor force, men subjected each other to such abusive, intimidating and degrading treatment." Dude! We're in a boy's club! More »
fucking penelope cruz looks better before she's airbrushed
Veteran Jezebel readers may remember how we once offered $10,000 of our boss's money for an original unretouched cover photo from a glossy magazine. [The offer still stands! We're just waiting for the money shot, people!-Ed.] Well, it looks like professional celebrity virtual liposuctor Ivan Palaez wants our boss to save his money and give it all to us, because we are both broke and kind of satiated after procrastinating extensively over his portfolio of those cool morphing Flash images of pretty-to-ugly celebs. In the video above, he explains the art of turning perfectly pretty photographs of the merely glamorous into the impossibly glowy virtual reality images that keep us company in the subway. The weirdest part is how much he fucks with their freaking postures. On the site, visual evidence that stars are a little more like us than we think! (Specifically, in the pores and mid-section!) Click Kelly Clarkson, Brittany Murphy and Naomi Watts first... if, of course, you're the sort of person who loves a little schadenfreude now and again.
IWANEXstudio.com
Earlier: Unretouched Cover Photos Wanted
Kelly Clarkson Has Junk In The Trunk (And Other Things We Already Knew) As Confirmed By A Professional Retoucher
Veteran Jezebel readers may remember how we once offered $10,000 of our boss's money for an original unretouched cover photo from a glossy magazine. [The offer still stands! We're just waiting for the money shot, people!-Ed.] Well, it looks like professional celebrity virtual liposuctor Ivan Palaez wants our boss to save his money and give it all to us, because we are both broke and kind of satiated after procrastinating extensively over his portfolio of those cool morphing Flash images of pretty-to-ugly celebs. In the video above, he explains the art of turning perfectly pretty photographs of the merely glamorous into the impossibly glowy virtual reality images that keep us company in the subway. The weirdest part is how much he fucks with their freaking postures. On the site, visual evidence that stars are a little more like us than we think! (Specifically, in the pores and mid-section!) Click Kelly Clarkson, Brittany Murphy and Naomi Watts first... if, of course, you're the sort of person who loves a little schadenfreude now and again.
IWANEXstudio.com
Earlier: Unretouched Cover Photos Wanted
midweek madness
In Which We Recognize Spencer Pratt And Heidi Montag, The 'Life & Style' of 'Life & Style' Cover Subjects
You might have noticed that this week's 'Midweek Madness' trailed off somewhere around the Bauer Publishing titles, otherwise known as In Touch and Life & Style. Here's the thing about those magazines: They should really not exist. We know we say that a lot and it is getting old and by the way fuck you, but what we mean is that these magazines are right up there with mint mojito flavored gum in the things we didn't ever want to have to look at in line at the drugstore checkout, and yet they persist to exist. What's more, these magazines have persisted in creating a whole clique of idiotic celebrities we really don't want to look at, the most idiotically persistent of whom are named Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. With nary a DUI charge nor a drunken romp at church nor a single incident of coked-up knifeplay, these two blond people-esque beings have dominated the Bauer celebrity magazines for weeks in an almost sinister streak of publicity that smacks to us of those elections where someone like, we don't know, Saddam Hussein or Mao would win like 99% of the vote. After the jump, Intern Maria takes her celebritologist microscope to the coverage in a plot that begs the question, Who is Paying Whom And Can't The Feds Freeze All Their Assets Already? More »
'gross' is fucking a foot. 'beyond gross': the joke don made after the jump.
Most Disturbing Sex Toy Ever
Well, I mean, what were you THINKING they meant by "foot fetish"? Feather dusters and arch massage? A little light toe-suckling? That scene in Boomerang where Eddie Murphy looks down at that girl's busted pedi and loses his boner? Wherein you're like, "DUDE, so gay, right?" No way it would actually mean FUCKING A FOOT, right? More »
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