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Pete Wentz's Favorite Thing: Ashlee's Breasts

I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS.

The wild success of Sex & the City. The marriage of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. The constant attention paid to Jennifer Aniston’s love life. The selection of Halle Berry as the “Sexiest Woman Alive .” And now the re-launch of Urbancougar.com.

The approach of the Four Horsemen. Wait, we're naming signs of the apocalypse, right?

WHAT MIGHT YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH OPRAH WINFREY AND CAROLINE KENNEDY?
IF YOU ANSWERED JIGGLY ARMS FLABuLESSU.com HAS THE SOLUTION

What could I possibly have in common with successful women? Oh, right: Arm fat. Fuck you. Wait! This one comes illustrated, with a helpful red arrow:

Brain exploded, brb.

I thought of how badly I hated George W. Bush in 2000 because he reminded me of this kid I ran against for some lofty student council position in fifth grade. He was an idiot, a total, shameless unabashed tool, and yet inexplicably well-liked! No one seemed to notice the emptiness of his charm. No one seemed to care because he was so...confident! They believed the hype. (Fools! I would have been soooo much more competent!)

Okay, so, to the present. Barack. He's got a little of that light-skinned black guy thing happening. In high school he signed yearbooks with little Afros over the B and O. BTW, do you think anyone ever teased him for having those initials, B-O? Nah, he'd have laughed it off, cocky bastard. He openly admits he played a "flashy," "street" game of basketball, clashing with coaches who thought he wansn't disciplined or team player-y enough. Oh man, then that guy gets into Columbia? What were his SATs, even? Does anyone know? Why isn't that public?

Okay, so... done with the rhetorical exercise! So here's the thing. I think I get what Geraldine Ferrarro was saying, and that's what's so despicable about it. She's trapped in high school, at the student council election she couldn't win because she wasn't popular enough. Lady, grow the fuck up! Have you read anything Barack Obama has written? Turns out the black boy can write pretty good! (Oh yeah, and teach constitutional law.) His blackness is very much a part of his identity. He struggled with it. Felt alienated. Funny thing that, the way "confidence" can sometimes result from experiencing/conquering alienation at an early age! And seriously, the kid was raised in fucking Indonesia. Would anyone want a fortysomething first-term senator in charge of making every major American foreign policy decision at one of our most tricky moments in history if he hadn't been raised in Indonesia? I probably wouldn't!

But WAIT: that's hardly the only advantage Barack Obama's being born a Kenyan Irish Hawaiian whatever has afforded him in his life and career. Having his flameout father abandon him — he got a whole BOOK DEAL on the basis of coming to terms with that! What's more, it also clearly afforded him not only an element of empathy for underprivileged Americans that furthered his career, but a nuanced perspective on the foreign policy challenges posed by poverty in Africa and maybe even the entire Third World! Beyond that, the fact that he is black has drawn OTHER BLACK PEOPLE who had maybe been previously disillusioned by politics into actually voting. But the fact that he is successful and black makes him relatable to all those other successful black people who go through life hounded by the nagging perception that wherever they are, whatever they have accomplished, affirmative action is to credit for all of it. Successful black people like Michael Eric Dyson totally dig that the Obamas understand this phenomenon.

It is all so unfair!

If you are thirteen years old!

MOE: Oh goody! SIX MORE YEARS OF THIS CAMPAIGN
MOE: i get to be a part of the democratic democratic process now!
MOE: shit is going to Pennsylvania, where even the governor says everyone's racist!
MEGAN: In like 6 weeks!! Is it completely selfish that part of me was all, oh, thank goodness because otherwise what the hell would I write about if the race was over?
MEGAN: I mean, I'm sorta fine if it is, I'm mostly just checking.
MOE: Oh I don't know MAYBE THE ISSUES
MEGAN: Hahaha, no one really cares about the isues.
MOE: MAYBE HOW THE FUCK THE DEMOCRATS PLAN TO BEAT MCCAIN I DUNNO
MEGAN: They plan to beat McCain? I thought they just planned to beat up on each other until August 28th.
MOE: You're right. That was never the plan. The plan was to beat that Law & Order guy or something, right? What happened to that guy?
MEGAN: He's home fucking his hot wife and making PB&J sammiches for their kids and laughing his ass off.
MOE: But McCain is looking like a formidable candidate! Look, Cindy is even softening up her look.
MEGAN: OMG, I loved her hair last night, for real. Good job McCain stylist! Or Meghan! Whomever did it.
MOE: Howard Kurtz is crediting Tina Fey for the win. Personally I'm crediting all the recent support from my mom. Or Republicans crossing over to vote for Hillary.
MEGAN: Rush Limbaugh, evil genius? I did see M'Ann Coulter yesterday taking up Rush's call to pick the Democrats' nominee the way the "liberals" and the mainstream media "picked" theirs. And she wasn't even talking about how Kos encouraged Dems to vote Romney in Michigan!
MEGAN: By voting for Hillary.
MOE: Oh no! I missed an Ann Coulter appearance on the teeveee?? All the lost page views...
MEGAN: Also, may I take a moment to suggest that our beloved commenters and everyone else reading this take a deep breath and STOP trying to figure out who Karl Rove et al don't want you to vote for. You know what they wanted? This.
MOE: So is there even anything demographically interesting to say about this? She won the HILLSPANICS and the OVER THE HILLS and white women blah blah
MEGAN: Also, apparently, white men voted for her in droves for the first time.
MOE: Hahahaha "beloved"
MOE: White men in Ohio? Or Texas too?
MEGAN: Both, if I recall my exit poll watching correctly.
MEGAN: We could talk about how, with 40% of the vote in, Obama is currently winning the Texas caucuses, though that could change, too.
MEGAN: Also, can we have an official fashion opinion on Michelle Obama's outfit?
MEGAN: Bolero? And what looked like raw silk? It definitely rode up a little in the small of her back, which stuff does on me all the time because of my sticky-outie ass.
9:00 AM
MOE: I keep looking for a pic
MOE: SEND ME A PIC. THIS IS THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE THAT IS FUN RIGHT NOW.
9:05 AM
MEGAN: It's actually patterned silk.
MEGAN: Here's the full shot from the side.
9:10 AM
MEGAN: And the full frontal. Quite the daring slit.
MOE: Wow that is kind of hot. I don't like it as much as I usually like her outfits but she pulls it fucking off.
MOE: Also she works out "like a gladiator" according to that New Yorker profile. Did you see how it quoted you?
MEGAN: I did! Though they neglected to use my actual name, I sent it to my dad who was very proud because the least vulgar thing I said was "bitch." My dad fucking hates it when I swear. Oops. He reads this most days. Sorry, Dad!
9:15 AM
MOE: My mom is completely oblivious to the entire blog.
MEGAN: I know! I find that so amusing. But my dad always wanted me to be a "writer" and this is the closest thing plus, these days, it's better to say his overeducated daughter is a professional blogger than a lobbyist or even an ex-lobbyist (thanks Vicki Iseman).
9:20 AM
MEGAN: Also, I don't know if you saw, but I texted you last night because the HD-TV I was watching in the bar when Hillary gave her victory speech made Hillary's suit look electric pink instead of red and it rendered my friend and I speechless.
MEGAN: Because I am morally opposed to pink.
MOE: Yeah I got your text. At like 5 a.m. I was supposed to go to a primary party but instead sat at a bar talking about ...uh...boys. Sorry I've been distracted; I've been trying to scan the New York Post cover but it, of course, won't fit in my scanner. She looks pretty in a very fuchsia tone of red on the cover.
MOE: I don't know if you saw Rolling Stone endorsed Obama but it's kind of like one of those things with Hillary and Barbra; maybe it can't hurt but it also can't help.
MEGAN: No, totally cool. So, um, DailyKos is reporting and FoxNews re-reporting that Hillary's peeps Photoshopped a pic of Obama for an ad to make him look darker skinned.
MOE: Oh GOD yeah that was all over the Post. We got a bunch of tips about this yesterday.
MOE: He definitely looks, uh, different. They gave him like Goth mouth.
MEGAN: I think he shaves a unibrow, looking at that. Like, as opposed to waxes.
MOE: I think I'll have to put it up side-by-side with some of those lightened Beyonce cover pics.
MEGAN: Well, if there's one good thing about being goth pale without makeup it's that my pictures can only be made flatteringly darker, and never lighter.
MOE: The interesting thing is that is face in the darkened shot looks more intelligent but also more sinister, ANGRIER. Not about to denounce or reject any of that etc. etc.
MOE: Can I point out this somewhat telling paragraph of the Jann Wenner endorsement of Obama for a sec?

The book was a revelation. Here was a man whose honesty about himself and understanding of the human condition are both deep and compassionate. Born to a white mother and an African father, he was raised in multiracial Hawaii and for several years in Indonesia. He drifted through some druggy teenage years — no apologies! — before emerging as a star at Harvard Law School.

I first learned of Barack Obama from a man who was at the highest level of George W. Bush's political organization through two presidential campaigns. He described the first-term senator from Illinois as "a walking hope machine" and told me that he would not work for any Republican candidate in 2008 if Obama was nominated.

At around 8:30 p.m., nervous about the tightening Texas race and watching Sen. John McCain give his victory speech, someone yelled out: "Look at Cindy McCain! That's either an Adam's apple or a very big pimple!"

MOE: SO DEPRESSED
MEGAN: yes, sad. :(
New Hampshire old people not liking change.
22 minutes
MOE: Okay I'm just going to put it out there that I knew this was going to happen.
MEGAN: The Obama would lose NH?
MOE: That those polls were unreliable, that it wasn't going to be that easy, that voters would show their pussy side and vote for Hillary if it looked like Obama was in the lead. Now it's going to be tough. The Clintons have, like, brainwashed everyone into thinking "if only we could just turn back time" the same way the fucking Bushies did in 2000, and guess what, we are not going to return to a time when the guy making your plane reservation was in Nebraska or a time before A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila and everything else is just an abusive relationship.
I have lots of "vote for Obama, pray for Clinton" friends.
They make me stabby.
And I am really sick of saying things make me stabby.
MEGAN: "Pray for Clinton"? What the fuck does that even mean?
I think the problem is, if exit polls are to be believed, is a lot of undecided people decided for Clinton at the last minute. And we all know what happened at the last minute.
Which means that I, personally, plan to serious reevaluate my now decades-old plan about never crying in public.
MOE: Do you ever see people on the street who are alone and crying softly to themselves?
I don't think the voters were truly undecided though.
What was the female margin again?
God 2 to 1
Women suck.
MEGAN: On the rest of it, though, you're totally right. She is running on nostalgia. I just, personally, don't happen to feel it because I remember pretty much only the 90s and I was broke and working somewhere between 1 and 4 jobs while going to high school/college/grad school. And I remember Bill Clinton getting rid of the direct loan program in favor of Sallie Mae, and I remember how he eliminated the tax "preference" on getting free grad school tuition from the university you work at (i.e., started charging people taxes on something free).
I remember that his little fucking economic recovery never quite made it to my home town.
And no one gave a shit.
I remember friends going to wars in Bosnia and Kosovo and people people killed and bombing factory worked in the Sudan to get at Osama or something by proxy and the innocent lives that were lost.
MOE: Yeah, a little choking up and they run back to the beholden vengeful controlling cheat who never really cared in the first place.
MEGAN: But, you know, whatever, nostalgia. She's not Bush!
MOE: The pharmaceutical factory! Yes, he bombed that right around the Starr Report, right?
MEGAN: And even though she thinks we have to work to rid the country of abortion when she needs to pander, I'm soooo certain she's planning on protecting my reproductive rights right up until the polls say it's advantageous for her not to do so.
Yes, he did.
I told a friend last night that even though she's a crazy anti-Semetic bitch from hell, I'd vote for Cynthia McKinney as the Green party candidate first.
Gah! I hate imcumbents! Kick the bums out!
Vote Kucinich!
MOE: And the economic recovery was a Wall Street recovery, a period of corporate earnings growth due to technology, outsourcing and globalization. Balancing the budget kept inflation and interest rates down but in the grand scheme that was not a huge deal. We're spending a billion dollars a day in Iraq and oil is 100 dollars a gallon or whatever and our economy STILL isn't technically in recession. In fact, every other economic indicator that comes out seems to indicate, "hmmm, not as bad as we thought!"
I would really love Kucinich.
MEGAN: Yes, real wages didn't increase by that much as housing prices (and thus property taxes in the majority of the country) began to skyrocket due to investors and widespread fraud in addition to weakened oversight.
Also, unemployment was 5% in December, which isn't December supposed to be a good month because of temp holiday jobs?
I don't even love Kucinich or even most of his ideas, I just hate mainstream politicians and the media that panders to them this morning.
And the people who think that, somehow, most of politics isn't bullshit.
MOE: Re jobs I feel like the data isn't exactly rosy but it's nowhere near as bad as anyone predicts. Which is just the thing about data, it is highly imperfect. Oh yes, and at the end of the month at least holiday SALES had redeemed themselves, so we're still consuming enough to keep this whole ponzi ship afloat!
And I don't love Kucinich; in fact, I am mad at his voters for not doing like he asked and voting for Obama
And I'm mad at all our commenters for being all "Oh NOW she has me" after that wussy little hint of a cry.
MEGAN: Did you see? Liz Glover got video of him! And he's kinda elfinly cute and sincere.
Yes, that was a little weak. A bunch of our commenters went that way, too.
And, AT BEST, it was exhaustion.
But now, seeing its effectiveness which nauseates me, I'm forced to question it, and I hate myself for that.
Also, way to play the ultimate girl card.
MOE: Also I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE her campaign was even THINKING about quitting.
MEGAN: I hate when I cry and suddenly some dude who's all being a dick is forced to find some small part of himself and be nice to me. I don't want him to pretend that he's not a dick if I'm crying, I want him to go away.
Oh, God, no, not in a million years.
MOE: How does the media buy into that whit?
shit.
MEGAN: Because they don't have anything else to report?
MOE: Ahem DANA MILBANK.
MEGAN: Especially now that they can't show exit polls until after the polls has closed, which is a fucking ACKNOWLEDGMENT that all voters are lemmings and do what they perceive their neighbors are doing!
MOE: You know what is really fucked, is that drudge is behind all of this.
A self-hating gay hermit is controlling the American electorate right now.
MEGAN: I will hereby reveal something that is a secret in political circles and likely to bring the wrath of you-know-who at G__ker on my head.
I do not read Matt Drudge.
I have not read Matt Drudge.
Occasionally, when someones says, you must read Drudge!, I will dutifully surf over there, get annoyed by his completely unreadable layout, and go away again.
And it has been this way for at least 8 years.
MOE: It's just as well I suppose. He's only the master of the memes because we're READING it.
MEGAN: He just links to other stuff I'm reading anyway, so...
MOE: What a gift a McCain Clinton ticket would be to the floundering, confused, closeted repressed Republican party though.
MEGAN: I was interning on the Hill in a Democrat office in the fall of 99 when people were wistfully talking about a McCain-Bradley ticket, and some people I knew were saying they'd cross party lines to vote that ticket (but were then shushed).
I think, though, that McCain's finally lost his pull there.
MOE: He's lost his pull on the Hill or among independents?
MEGAN: Well, a little of both, but mostly with independents and Dems who liked him in 2000
He's now the establishment candidate.
MOE: See, the thing about Washingtonians is that
NO ONE WANTS THE CLINTONS BACK.
No one I know anyway.
Washington Republicans want an Obama White House. I am convinced of this through anecdotal evidence, of course, but I feel like any sampling of Washington Republicans is a pretty good sampling since there are probably 100 of them in total.
MEGAN: I think some in Washington would welcome Bill back to their loving embrace, and ignore the baggage that would never, ever allow him to accomplish anything.
MOE: I think money people would have him back, sure. But congressional Dems?
They all seem to be over the Clintons.
And any member of the media who covered the Clintons ...
MEGAN: She's had 7 years to build the support she needed.
MOE: well yeah, but "support" is not the same as love.
MEGAN: I think if you didn't love her before, they don't love her now. But, like the black ministers in the South who want to be backing the winner, they're supporting her because of her inevitability mantle.
MOE: And to those people I say: CLINTON NEVER WON A MAJORITY OF THE ELECTORATE. Hillary will never grab the Ross Perot contingent. No matter how hard she cries!
AND YEAH I WENT THERE.
MEGAN: No matter how hard anyone cries.