Jezebel
scenes from abroad
Posts Tagged “
From
”
scenes from abroad
crap email from a dude
"I Could Be Writing To Tell You Your Feature Is Tasteless, Promotes Sexism, And Secures Its Readership By Offering Slanderous And Sensationalized Accounts…"
People often wonder what the fallout of a Crap Email is like. We don't often know! This guy contacted us once, thinking his ex-girlfriend had changed her name to Anna Holmes, even though her name was not Anna; when he finally figured out the deal he good-naturedly defended his doghouse-building skills and retreated back into his proverbial own. Truthfully, he seemed really nice, and I felt a little bad. The same cannot be said for "Christopher Davis," the Ayn Rand prostrating author of last week's "I Am, Right Now, Involved In Something More Important," which many of you felt to be the Douchiest Email Of All Time. Here is definitive proof it was not! A tale told in two parts: one note sent to his ex girlfriend after discovering his Crap Email on our site, one sent to us. (And yes, I bought Ayn Rand's journals last weekend and have been crafting a primer on why she is to be avoided. Although that will seem rather unnecessary in a moment.)
More »
men are from mars
Oprah Writer Tries To Debunk Reckless Idiot Male Psyche
When I was thirteen, one of my best friends was a semi-professional rollerblader. I know, how swooningly mid-90s, but we were all impressed by his death-defying stunts. Well, some people were impressed. I was mostly terrified. I recall vividly the summer afternoon when he decided that he would launch himself out of his second story bedroom window, onto the trampoline below. There were maybe five of us present that day, and while the rest of my friends cheered him wholeheartedly, I sat in white-knuckled silence, convinced that he was going to maim himself. I also remember thinking: fucking boys. No girl would be stupid enough to jump out of her own window, even if there were a trampoline below. More »
Crap voicemail from a dude
Dimitri The Lover's History Of Sexual Assault, Weapons Stockpiling And Psychiatric Evaluations
Oh god, here goes. You know how we sort of stopped wanting to hear about Paul Janka when he officially became an accused sex assailant (or actually, come to think of it, when he assaulted me a few months before that?) Well, over the course of a day Dimitri the creep behind a couple fake-seemingly funny voicemails revealed himself to be Dimitri the douchebag with disciples, who revealed himself to be Dmitri a.k.a. James Sears. And yeah, if all the "there's nothing wrong with me" talk on his voicemail wasn't a red enough flag for you, maybe the 1986 concern of the military psychiatrist who evaluated him during his enlistment in the Canadian Army that there was "something seriously wrong" with him is? But don't take it from those shrinks; his psychiatric evaluation when he went to med school states that he got drunk and high on call, made "numerous random and obsessive telephone calls" to women during which he would (only sometimes) jerk off, and was generally immature and narcissistic — but not enough to deny him a medical license. More »
crap email from a dude
"I Am, Right Now, Involved In Something More Important"
Okay girls, Cynthia learned the hard way so you don't have to slog through The Fountainhead why "absolutely completely obsessed with Ayn Rand" is not a modifier you want anywhere even in the general vicinity of a dude. (Would I go so far as to say the enemy of womanity is Ayn Rand? In another post one some day I can write a few thousand words!) The point is, Chris seemed very promising otherwise. Cynthia and he had known each other for several years, but when the time came that they both became single, he did the unthinkable and asked her on an honest-to-god date. For two months the courtship consisted of three or four weekly "lovely dates," with the only red flag the occasional email from his ex describing their sex life and claiming he'd dumped her to go out with Cynthia. Foreshadowing! Then one night they made plans to see a live taping of "A Prairie Home Companion" and get dinner, and he didn't show. Nor did he answer his phone. Turns out it wasn't an accident! More »
pot psychology
"Got Any Deep Throating Tips?"
It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, Rich and I got help from our pal Sasha Frere-Jones, to tackle problems like reclusive behavior, definitions of words, and all the other usual sex stuff. Got a burning question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)
Crap voicemail from a dude
"Your Friends Were Very Jealous, Even If They Say They Weren't, They Were Envious I Approached You"
Once upon a time a guy, we'll call him "Dmitri," became obsessed with a woman named Olga. The romance was passionate and literary and many fond and fiery words were exchanged. Well folks, just over a century later history just about repeated itself, when a new Olga caught the eye of another, equally passionate Dimitri, one recent night near the San Francisco Marina. They spoke for no more than two minutes — just long enough for Olga to bestow upon Dimitri a business card and an abiding lust. But sadly, readers, ours is an era of constant unceasing multi-modal communication. Texts and emails and voicemails are left; deadlines, implied and explicit, are imposed; ultimatums are delivered. One almost has to wonder: is there time in such an age for true lasting passion to simmer? The outcome is unknown. But two voicemails left by this Dmitri for the "elegant" object of his desire do not portend a happy future. The transcripts — a bit is lost in the translation, such as his distinctively douchetacular pronunciations of "assume" and "man" — appear after the jump. More »
The Devil Wears Prada, The Pope Wears Straight Jesus
The enduring image of the last Pope is of him in simple, white vestments and a white skullcap, but that ain't how Pope Benedict XVI rolls, as this picture demonstrates. Although the Vatican's newspaper L'Osservatore Romano claims that Benedict is just a simple guy, his style pointers (always wear something red!) are reverberating around the world. From his red loafers to his Christmas camauro, and his ermine-trimmed capes to his snazzy red summer hat, this Pope has a fashion sense all his own! But the Vatican mouthpiece says it best: "The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ." Ewww, does anyone else get a weird "lady suit" from Silence of the Lambs image from that statement? (Click the picture for more of Benedict's fashion do's!) [WWLTV.com]
crap email from a dude
"Keep The CDs. They, Like My Former Love For You, Mean Nothing To Me Now."
Okay, first I should probably explain the picture, which depicts Su Dongpo aka Su Shi, a legendary Chinese poet and Renaissance Man (well, it was before the Renaissance but you could call him a "Soong Dynasty Man" I guess) whose melancholy love poems I vaguely remember reading back at some point when I read stuff, and for some reason I couldn't get it out of my head that I wanted to depict a Chinese poet here, because "Sarah's" friend who sent me this amazing email told me very little about its sender, "Jun," except that he was well-educated and Chinese. And for good reason: this email is so fucking spectacular additional context would almost spoil it, except you should know that they'd been broken up for three months without contact, and that it was preceded an hour earlier by an email casually inquiring about some CDs he'd left at her house. Oh, man.
More »
letter from london
Sorry London, Yesterday Was Just A Really Crap Day
Sorry I was in such a bad mood yesterday, London. I had a pain in my head that I would liken to the Kingsley Amis metaphysical hangover, except about 1000 times less literate, and to make matters worse it was all on account of white wine so it's not like I was dabbling some new Winehousian level of debauchery. (It also didn't help that I had spent the morning trying to read it off with Notes From Underground, which is hilarious, but not exactly packed with electrolytes.) (Sample line: All my life I've been incapable even of picturing any other love, and I've reached the point now of sometimes thinking that love consists precisely in the right, voluntarily granted by the beloved object, to be tyrannized over. In my underground dreams as well, I never pictured love to myself otherwise than as a struggle; for me it always started from hatred and ended with moral subjugation, and afterwards I couldn't even picture to myself what to do with the subjugated object.) (Also the cheeseburger was truly gross.) Anyhow! More »
crap email from a dude
"Through Your Inadequacy To Fulfill Me, I Have Realized My Own Egotism"
Well HERE is an interesting twist on a common narrative courtesy reader "Mandy"! Usually when you date a writer and he is a selfish asshole who forces you to break up with him because breaking up with you would require him to verbalize the full extent of his idiotic assness, the silver lining is that you can get a bunch of writerly man-hours out of him because he feels guilty. My ex-boyfriend edited all my stuff for years after we broke up, to the point that I realized he was actually a decent person. This is in stark contrast to "Josh," who dated Mandy for nine months while they were editors on the college paper. He cheated on her the whole time with a reporter at the paper — ever worked on a college paper? this = not easy — then broke up with her, only to commence nagging her via all the various modes of correspondence with little editing chores and proofreading requests. This particular email came with a ten-attachment cargo of stories to read. (Hey Josh, I know some guys who are really good at this sort of thing!) But it was not without a fairly thorough self-criticism! Try not to get an ulcer…
More »
letter from london
It's 3 a.m., And I Could Use A Tampon Or At Least A Beer
Greetings from London. I am sitting in a pub in the financial district nursing a hangover with the absolute worst cheeseburger I have ever fucking eaten. And I lived in China as a kid and we ate water buffalo burgers there, true story. You know how they say the "bad British food" thing is a misnomer? It is not. I have had exactly one meal here to which McDonald's would not be preferable. And I don't even actually like food. But being here is sort of throwing into doubt a lot of my Marxist sensibilities, I realized yesterday the second time I walked past a house where Friederich Engels lived during a long and winding and near-abortive search for a newsstand that was open at seven p.m. on a Sunday. The night before last I arrived back to a hotel at midnight and asked where I could get a drink to put me to sleep; nowhere was the answer I got from the concierge. Two couples standing next to me seemed confused. More »
quizzes from my mother
Can I Afford a Baby? Hell, I Can't Afford My Drinking Habit.
U.S. News & World Report has a handy little quiz about whether you can afford a baby. Surprise! In a consumerist culture, they're kind of expensive, plus there's that whole 18-year-commitment thing. Some of us can barely commit to a job for 18 months, let alone a relationship, let alone a crying, wiggling, pooping, screaming dependent thingie. I kill houseplants! I shouldn't be let near infants. But, I took the quiz anyway. Guess what? I'm actually not terribly financially unprepared. Damn. One thing I have to take off my list of "478 Reasons Not To Breed." More »
live from the rapture
An Open Letter To Those Awaiting The Rapture
Dear Mark Heard,Hey, so I heard about your little service in which you convince true-believing Christians to sign up to email their friends and loved ones after the Rapture takes them and leaves all the lesser Christians behind to suffer under the rule of the Antichrist for 7 years. Um, dude, I don't know if you put the dates together on this one, but George W. Bush took office in 2001. You're kind of the ones that got left behind. But I wanted to give you some advice from out here (where, by the way, it's pretty fucking cool). More »
crap email from a dude
"I Do Know That You Will Kill Me If I Slip On Anything… That's Why I'm Afraid Of You Haha."
There are two types of friends in this world: those who hate your on-again off-again boyfriend-esque fuck person with the passion of a jihadi, and those who don't really mind him, whatever, he's going to be back anyway so might as well make light conversation etc. etc. I personally tend to fall into the latter camp, but Laura does not. And Kurt, her best friend Tracy's on again-again off-again layabout wannabe writer recently-no-longer-ex-boyfriend knows it. So he sent her an email professing his love — well, his "love" and alternately his "like" — for Tracy and entreating Laura for a fresh start of sorts. Laura was less than charmed. But in lieu of sabotaging the rekindled love affair — did we mention Tracy is at present withholding sex, a la "The Rules"? Because that's always a good sign — she decided to send it to us, with some editorial commentary. And despite my pacifistic tendencies, I'd say she's doing girlkind a service, because while it's always nice to hear a dude wants to be "the best person in your life," you have to question the relationship with reality enjoyed by someone who says such a thing while simultaneously being the worst person in his own.
More »
crap blog post from a dude
Ah, Yes, The Boys Club And Their "Humor"
Earlier today, Tracie posted a clip of Barbara Walters talking about Hillary's butt and why, given her body type, she should (and happens to) wear pants. Not only were the comments wrong about what would or would not be most flattering on Hillary (Moe and I are, I believe, on record as stating that Hillary would look nice in a skirt suit or two), it was also not really a nice (or accurate) thing to say. According to the writers at Comedy Central, pointing that out makes us "vaginas." Ha-ha-fucking-ha. Join me in my rage after the jump. More »
crap email from a dude
"They're Teetering On The Precipice Of A Great Opening Of The Bowels Of Their Being."
Yeah, some things are better left standing on their own. (Like my liver: I think it hurts, but fuck it! Let it hurt some more!) Okay then, so Jesse and Belinda met in middle school, around the time his maturity was peaking. They reconnected after college and dated — wait for it! — ON AND OFF. For a couple years. She was too needy. He was too volatile. They split in September and their last contact, she thinks, happened last February, when at around 2 a.m. she heard someone scream "I LOVE YOU BELINDA" outside her apartment window. And then last week: this masterpiece. Dear Jesse: Belinda may be gone, but Jezebel loves you.
More »
Loose Lips
Jodie Sweetin, AKA Stephanie Tanner from Full House, graces this week's People talking about her journey from meth to motherhood. Um…yeah. • For those of you who believe in karmic justice, here's a kick in the rear: Candy Spelling, the multi-millionaire widow of Aaron, won $180,000 in a single slot machine pull at the Bellagio Hotel last weekend; and that's not all! Candy won $200,000 last year at this time in Vegas. Sigh. • Jim Carrey said that girlfriend Jenny McCarthy's autistic son Evan, "taught me how to love. And without Evan I might never have seen the greatness of Jenny's spirit." First I was like, aw, then I remembered Carrey has a kid from his first marriage. I'm sure she's really psyched to know that she taught him jack about love! [Dlisted,TMZ, People]
