• House Minority Whip Eric Cantor, whose fellow Republicans have been critical of Obama's social calendar, skipped watching Tuesday's Obama presser to see the Britney Spears concert. Someone made him, y'all. [Think Progress, Huffington Post]

• Actor, former Senator and epic fail of a Presidential candidate Fred Thompson is brave enough to say that he wants Obama's economic policies to fail because he doesn't like them. Not that he doesn't want them to pass, he just wants them all to fuck up the economy worse so Republican ideology can be proved right. Americans can suffer longer to give Freddo another chance in 2012. [Raw Story]
• Speaking of 2012, Sarah Palin is not polling in Iowa yet. Yet. [Iowa Independent]
• Hillary Clinton admitted that your little weed habit is the cause of a lot of death and destruction in Mexico, so you might want to skip saying, "But it's not hurting anyone," this weekend. [Washington Post]
• One of her dudes met with Burma's foreign minister as part of the review of what to do about Burma since sanctions are an entirely ineffective foreign policy strategy. We're still not sending anyone to Cuba, though. [Washington Post]
• The AIG execs in Britain are still not giving their bonuses back, and they're asking the British government to investigate whether New York Attorney General Andrew "Shucking And Jiving Is Not A Racist Term" Cuomo is actually attempting to extort the money out of them by threatening to name them. [Reuters]
• Other New York lawmakers are set to do actual work for actual New Yorkers and repeal the Rockefeller-era drug laws that filled New York prisons with drug abusers and first-time, non-violent offenders. [NY Times]
• FBI Director Robert S. Mueller would like his delicious spying privileges renewed, please. [Washington Post]
• The U.S. Postal Service is going broke delivering you credit card applications you no longer qualify for. [Huffington Post]
• A rash of European lit majors laughed themselves nearly to death because of the following video. You've been warned. [Politico]

• Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius has removed her name from Cabinet consideration. [The Hill]
• New York Governor David Paterson wants to be your next President because "Once you go black, you don't go back." [Politico]
• Fred Thompson is so cheap that he's renting his apartment out for the inauguration. [Huffington Post]
• The Supreme Court rejected the crazypants challenge to Obama's citizenship. [Politico]

• Your tax dollars at work: the State Department is now on Twitter. [Washington Independent]
• Karl Rove's gonna write a book about everyone who was mean to George Bush. Florists in D.C. are already planning on mass deliveries when the index is out. [CNN]
• President Bush's new neighbors are concerned that their community might become a target after he moves in. Now they know how all the residents of D.C. feel. [Raw Story]
• All the women out there who were concerned about Chris Matthews' run for the Senate in Pennsylvania might be able to breathe a sigh of relief. His brother doesn't think he'll leave television. [The New Republic, Politico]
• Christie Hefner's apparently leaving Playboy Enterprises... to angle for a job with the Obama Administration? [Portfolio]
• Israeli Interior Minister Meir Sheetrit is trying to grant Sandra Samuel, the Indian nanny who rescued Moeshe Holtzberg during the Mumbai terror attacks, the status of "Righteous among the Nations" to allow her to stay in Israel as long as she wishes. The honor is given to non-Jews who save the lives of Jews. [Associated Press]
• Pakistan actually arrested one of the suspected Mumbai plotters, by the way. [Huffington Post]
• In your official holiday-themed uplifting end to the roundup, homeless men at Detroit's Mariners Inn shelter and treatment center are raising $500 for each of 4 poor families they are adopting for the holidays. [Breitbart]

• The Bushes spent about $3.7 million dollars on real estate in a pricey Dallas neighborhood, and boy, are you going to seethe with jealousy when you see the house the Presidency can buy you. [Washington Post, The Smoking Gun]
• Italy is struggling with a rise in puppy smuggling due to a love of specific breeds and a declining economy. More than 70,000 puppies are smuggled into Italy every year, despite the fact that nearly a quarter of them die on the way and half die within a few months of arrival. There's a video. [BBC]
• Pastor Rick Warren says the Bible calls us to invade Iran. I don't think it says what he thinks it says, but that might be because I read it for my own edification and not to use it to make zillions of dollars or justify my existence. [Washington Independent]

• The recently-published jury instructions in the Lori Drew case make it more clear why she didn't get convicted of any felony counts. [Wired]
• Fred Thompson recently promised that he was getting out of politics and going back to acting. He lied to you. [Time]
• Conservative scribe and Earl of Minor Despair Bob Novak would totally out Valerie Plame again because the media was mean to him after his did so the first time. [Think Progress]
• Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee doesn't think enough LGBT people have been beaten or killed while seeking equality in this country to qualify as a civil rights movement. Also, he thinks if they would just quit choosing to have teh buttsecks, they could have all the rights they ever wanted. [Think Progress]
• Some wacky Republicans who probably spend a portion of their time bitching about tort reform and vexatious litigation are filing lawsuits upon lawsuits about Barack Obama's birth certificate because blah blah blah crazytown nonsense. [Honolulu Advertiser]
• Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, she of the horror of women who don't always wear stockings, is going to challenge Texas Governor Rick Perry in the 2010 gubernatorial primary because she doesn't think he's Republican-y enough. [Dallas Morning News]
• Sarah Palin is totally snubbing Oprah, because Real Americans would definitely go talk to Larry King first. [Huffington Post]
• Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, with an assist from Governor General Michaëlle Jean, has shut down the Canadian Parliament to keep from being thrown out of office. And here you were all worried that George W. Bush was going to be the one to try to upend the democracy he supposedly serves. [NY Times]

• The word is, again, that Hillary Clinton has been offered and will accept the Secretary of State job. It might not happen until after Thanksgiving, officially, though, because Obama announced he's rolling out the economic team first on Monday. [NY Times]
• Some people are a little concerned about who else she might bring to Foggy Bottom, though. [Washington Independent]
• On that economic team roll-out Monday, the top dog appears to be Timothy Geithner, the current president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, who it's said will be our next Treasury Secretary. [The Hill]
• He might well be sharing the stage with Bill Richardson, who everyone is saying will be the next Commerce Secretary. Interesting note: if he is, he'll be the second Latino in a row to hold the position, like Clinton would be the second woman in a row at State. [CNN]

• What will presumably get announced when the Clinton nomination is official is the identity of Obama's national security adviser — who, speculation holds, will be Marine Gen. James L. Jones (Ret.). [Huffington Post]
• By the way, get your Hillary campaign memorabilia now — she's still selling office equipment from her campaign to pay her debts. Taking the Secretary of State gig might mean she'll never pay off those vendors, as she would be prohibited from raising money for the debt by law. [Politico]
• Some Obama volunteer is making his own personal stimulus package by trying to sell, on eBay, a binder and speech he or she pilfered from a pre-election rally. Classy. [LA Times]
• A bunch of elementary school kids at the Ludlow Elementary School on Long Island petitioned for — and received — a more permanent campaign keepsake: they've renamed their school Barack Obama Elementary School. [ABC News]
• If you're not a fan of Big Brother, stay the fuck away from the inauguration. [Associated Press]
• And, onto policy issues, there's now yet a third competing Democratic health care reform package — in addition to the pre-emptive health care legislative strike by Finance Committee Chair Max Baucus and the package that Ted Kennedy, chair of the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee, has promised, Oregon Senator Ron Wyden has one, too. No wonder even Hillary Clinton couldn't get anything done 15 years ago. [The Hill]
• Upstart Congressman Henry Waxman, when he wrests the gavel of the Energy and Commerce Committee from Auto Industry Michigan Congressman John Dingell, is expected to push for Obama's energy and environmental reform plans. [LA Times]
• But a repeal of the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy will likely wait until later in the 2009 — or even 2010 — while Obama and his staff soothe the Pentagon's fears that other dudes will be checking out their junk in the barracks, as though that hasn't gone on the entire time anyway. [Washington Times]
• The crazy, goat-herding, rooster-owning prosecutor who, from his trailer parked outside the courthouse, engineered an indictment of Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales showed up for court today and acted, predictably, completely crazy. Because he's crazy. [Brattleboro Reformer]
• Speaking of, Fred Thompson is engineering his return to acting, but no one is really sure how well he's going to fit into the Gossip Girl cast. [Huffington Post]

• Madonna is divorced. A judge ruled on "Ciccone, M.L. v. Ritchie, G.S." today and the case was a "quickie," an uncontested divorce. Neither Madonna nor Guy Ritchie attended the hearing, which lasted barely a minute. Her Madgesty is single again! Think she'll get hitched to A-Rod? [Yahoo News]
• Oh snap! Madonna just had drinks with her first ex-husband, Sean Penn. [Page Six]
• A source says don't believe what you read about Guy being a gentleman and not taking a penny from Madge. He's getting a "huge pay day." [Perez Hilton]
• Friends of Madonna's are not surprised that the divorce went through so quickly. "It’s not fair to Guy, to the kids, to drag it out for any reason," says a source. [MSNBC]
• Ashlee Simpson gave birth to a baby boy last night, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Yeah, Bronx. And yeah: Mowgli. Urban Decay Jungle Book Wentz. [People]

• Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been "fighting like cats and dogs," says a source, and may be in couples therapy. Work it out, ladies! [Page Six]
• Whoa, a kid almost died on the set of 30 Rock when an out-of-control taxi smashed into the street where the show was filming and everyone had to dive out of the way. [Page Six]
• Shia LaBeouf's wrecked truck was on eBay, but barely anyone bid on it. [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson has converted to Islam. His name is now Mikaeel. It might be so that he can legally wear a burka in court and no one can stare at his skin. [The Sun]
• Michael Jackson Mikaeel is due in court next week to defend claims that he owes Sheikh Abdullah $7 million. May Allah be with him! [Guardian]
• Ooh, more soundbites from Britney's new documentary: "Do I know my life is weird? It's all I've ever known. I don't see it as being weird… I'm kind of stuck in this place and I'm like, How do you deal? I just cope with it every day… It's better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way… It's bad. I'm sad." [She breaks down into tears.] [EW]
• Britney on why she let "bad people" into her life: "Because I was lonely." [People]
• Twilight star Robert Pattinson was asked, "What is all this talk about you not washing your hair for months on end?" He answered: "People are scared of my hair. But it starts washing itself after about three weeks. I'm just saying that. But, yeah, if it doesn't look dirty, why wash it?" Darling, it looks dirty. Get some Pantene Pro-V up in there. [USA Today]
• America's Next Top Model winner McKey says: "I was freaking out at the second CoverGirl commercial. I almost had a nervous breakdown. They only show a little bit of it, but Christian was fixing my makeup and I was like, 'Christian, I'm freaking out right now. I might have a nervous breakdown. I haven't had a nervous breakdown in forever. I'm going crazy. Why am I here?'" Because you look like a model, maybe? [E!]
• Leonardo DiCaprio attended a "preview screening" of a music video starring ex-girlfriend Gisele Bundchen because he's friends with the director, who is Kevin Connolly. Hollywood's a small town. [People]
• Uh, are Leo and Kate Bosworth an item???? [Star]
• Leo told this paper: "So much of my life has been spent on some far-off movie location and so little of it has been lived normally. I want to get married and have children." [Mirror]
• Hollywood is a small town, take 2: Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, Eddie Murphy, Reba McEntire, Sylvester Stallone, Magic Johnson and Barry Bonds are involved in the lawsuit between North and South Beverly Park homeowners. It's like the Sharks and the Jets! [LA Times]
• Here's more on that turf war between the North and the South. [TMZ]
• Apparently Brit TV host Jonathan Ross told Gwyneth Paltrow he "would fuck her" and the BBC has called that "gratuitous and unnecessarily offensive." Think so? [Guardian]
• A critic says Baz Luhrmann made a "big, big mistake" in casting Nicole Kidman as proper English dame Lady Sarah Ashley in Australia: Melanie Reid says Kidman is "one of the most overrated actors" in the world and who has "been the kiss of death in practically every movie she has starred in." There's more! "Kidman is exquisitely accomplished at being awful," Reid writes. "She can't act. Instead she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I'm-looking-interesting blue eyes." Ouch! [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Ugh, someone asked Nicole Kidman if she was pregnant again. "No, I just have a little tummy," she said. "My god, I just had a baby four months ago – give me a break!" She added: "I think I've always had a little tummy, though, it runs in the family. My sister does, my mum does, my grandmother did… We affectionately refer to it as the 'little tummy.'" Fascinating. [People]
• Glenn Close didn't get the part of Elvira in Scarface because she wasn't slutty enough? [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus let her boyfriend attend the casting for her new video, and a source says "Justin wanted to pick a guy that looked the most like him." WTF. [E!]
• Apparently the clip of Justin Timberlake dancing with Beyoncé on SNL has been yanked from YouTube due to music clearance issues. Dammit. Not fierce, Sasha. Not fierce. [LA Times]
• Angelina Jolie might not get nominated for an Oscar for her performance in Changeling, even though Ted Casablanca thinks she should. [E!]
• Rihanna's new tattoo: "It's tribal," she says. She got it in New Zealand, and it's Maori-inspired. "It's their traditional way of tattooing. I always wanted [one]. It hurt like hell!" [People]
• ABC has killed three shows: RIP Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money. [EW]
• Your friend Kanye West began his concert in Germany by having the crowd wait tow hours and then running on stage and shouting, "I really need some pussy tonight!" [The Sun]
• Baby-wipes enthusiast Terrence Howard says all he's ever wanted to do is be all around the most beautiful women in the world. "I'm sorry I'm shallow like that, I'm a man." [Perez Hilton]
• Lance Bass is glad Julianne Hough has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars: "She was the one I was scared of the most," he says. [People]
• Is Julianne Hough retiring from DWTS? "I'm not gonna be back next season," she says. "I really, really want to focus on the music and, ya know, be taken seriously a little bit. And I think it’s hard to be on [the show] and be singing." [People]
• Reese Witherspoon looks like a small town checkout girl on the cover of Parade. [Just Jared]
• Reese told Parade: "Family is all we have in life, but I don't know how I feel about marriage. Obviously, I'm not far enough out of being married to think about doing it again." For some reason this prompted this paper to run the headline "I'm Not Ready To Marry Jake." [Daily Mail]
• Heath Ledger's family issued a statement to say that a new book about the star contains "gross inaccuracies, false allegations and many incorrect and unsubstantiated comments." The unauthorized bio, written by a journalist, claims Ledger was mentally ill. [News.com.au]
• The world is weird: Shaquille O'Neal is on Twitter. [Observer]
• Holly Madison says she's wearing less makeup now and P. Hilton says she's lying through her fake teeth. [Perez Hilton]
• Paris Hilton went out without Benji Madden and "looked distraught and completely lonesome." Sniff. [People]
• As for Benji, he is not talking about the split. [E!]
• Have you seen Rosie O'Donnell's video response to Barbara Walters? [Perez Hilton]
• Fox's Roger Friedman says Rosie will get the last laugh, because her live variety show "should be an enormous hit." It's family-friendly and positive in its celebration of Broadway, New York, and the arts. Plus comedy is what Rosie excels at. [Fox 411]
• Michael Phelps: The new spokesperson for Subway sandwiches. Do you want him on whole wheat? [Perez Hilton]
• Is Michael Phelps off the market? He flew to Birmingham to see former Miss Alabama, Doree Walker, and they went to dinner and then to the zoo the next day. Roar. [MSNBC]
• New Lost trailer! And Sawyer and Juliet are holding hands. For like a split second. [E!]
• Josh Brolin, who plays Harvey Milk's assassin in Milk, says the story of Milk made him cry. [UPI]
• If you can understand this kerfluffle surrounding Bianca Jagger's lost ring and bankruptcy and an Austrian building magnate named Reinhard Ringler, please explain. [Daily Express]
• John Malkovich is making a documentary about the plight of migrant children who cross illegally into the U.S. It will be produced by Canana Films, a production company owned by Mexican actors Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal. [AP]
• Christina Ricci, Rosie Perez and Arsenio Hall will voice characters in The Hero of Color City, an animated film about a group of crayons that band together to stop a tyrant from robbing their world of color. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Katie "Jordan" Price in her underwear again, yawn. [Perez Hilton]
• Did New Kids On The Block's Donnie Wahlberg out suspected gay Jonathan Knight? [Perez Hilton]
• It's official: Jean Claude Van Damme hits on young female reporters. [23/6]
• John Cleese, 69, is dating a 27-year-old named Barbie. [The Sun]
• The headmistress of Oprah Winfrey's girls' school in South Africa, Nomvuyo Mzamane, has dropped her suit against The Huffington Post and a blogger she claimed falsely harmed her reputation. [Portƒolio]
• When it comes to cash, Bruce Willis is a die hard, heh: He invested $2 million in a Malaysian technology company and then withdrew his cash; they still owe him $900,000 and he's filed a court complaint. [AP]
• Former Senator Fred Thompson, who was on Law & Order and then tried running for president, is going back to acting. Anyone want to cast him? [AP]
• Success has made Leona Lewis "really, really lonely." Sad face! [Mirror]
• Linda Hogan was getting $40,000 a month in temporary alimony payments. Now she claims to be broke. She wants a court hearing to talk about getting more cash out of the Hulkster. [Perez Hilton]
• TRL's Damien Fahey has a new job, now that his MTV show is dead: He'll be a special correspondent for Extra. [Page Six]
• "That's debatable in Hollywood. There's the obvious answer: Angelina, for saving the planet with her adoptions and charity work." — Megan Fox, when asked who the Woman of the Year was. [E!]
• "[Four Christmases] is not for your children. It's PG-13. But my family always went to movies on Christmas Day – The Godfather, The Elephant Man. Your typical cheerful holiday fare. It's fun to go to the movies at Christmas and nice to be part of a movie that at least grown-ups and teenagers can see. Plus it means a lot when I get to have experiences where I meet young people and they say, 'You know, this is the movie that got me through a hard time' or, 'This is the movie I watch with my family.'" [Independent]
• "There are disco bands, rap bands, Yiddish folk song bands in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but not Kiss I believe we have more gold records in America than any other group, but it's OK." — Gene Simmons, bruised because his band's not in the Hall of Fame. [Reuters]
• "That would be really exciting if that does happen. I hope it does. There has been some talk about it but I think it's in its very early days. But I'm practicing by dressing as a pirate every day - just in case!" — Russell Brand, on playing Captain Jack Sparrow's brother in the new Pirates Of The Caribbean flick. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• "I did a photo shoot for her, and she suddenly took off her T-shirt to change into another and I was like, 'Damn!' She was so beautiful, elegant, classy and timeless, and there was something really exotic about it. Very few human beings have been that sexy and desirable. I wanted to say, 'You are sculpted by God.' I was like, wow." — Rosario Dawson on Iman. [Daily Express]
• "Our new president is really a person who came from a place where they told him he couldn’t be something, in a country where no one ever thought that we would see a black president, but now that we have a black president we understand that black people, white people, Asian people, Native Americans, Latinos, no matter what color you are, we all are one. Whatever you want to be you can be in this world. You just have to put your mind to it." — Common, to elementary school students in Georgia. [Concrete Loop]
• "I can drink most men under the table and be fine! And I get louder and giggly. Do I get more affectionate? Who doesn't?" — Sienna Miller. [Mirror]

MEGAN: Are you sad you aren't enjoying everything that Minnesota has to offer?

SPENCER: My knowledge of MPLS is limited to two things: the bands on Profane Existence and the account of the Hennepin County prison/detox system that I read about in The Night Of The Gun. One thing I wondered, though: did Joe Lieberman look worse on the closed-circuit feed you saw him on? Because he looked surprisingly good in HD.

MEGAN: I didn't see him on closed-circuit TV, I saw his ass from the media stands and his face on one of the really big screens. From what I could tell, he looked much less pale and tragic than normal, which I'm going to guess means he either secretly stood in line at Invesco or the GOP has better makeup artists than he normally uses. He sounded exactly the same. Like, he sounded like the imitation they did of him talking on the phone to Ron Klain in Recount.

SPENCER: On the drive to the Denver airport, me and some of the FDL dudes were PRAYING for Lieberman to get the VP nod so we could reprise Joe's greatest hits. But this guy defies parody. Do you remember the part where he called Obama an "eloquent young man"? Tell me that isn't racist euphemism.

MEGAN: It totally was, but I spent the whole time going, man, What Would Zell Miller Have Said. Zell knew how to bring a brand of GOP-inspiring crazy that Joementum will never be able to touch. And he wouldn't have gone with some mealy-mouthed encoded racial reference either. But that's so like Lieberman, to stick the shank so slowly in your back that you almost don't feel it.

SPENCER: I saw Hadassah sitting next to Cindy, and she probably knows something about not feeling it.

MEGAN: Please, let us vow here and now to work as many dick jokes as possible into today's Crappy Hour.

SPENCER: But did you notice how he used that line about how you'll always know where McCain stands? That was Bush's closing line against Kerry. If ever there was a milemarker on the road to Joe Lieberman's descent into embarrassing crank, it's that right there. Another question: who could possibly be inspired by that speech? Who even watched till the end? Who thought that the only man capable of following spit-hot-fire Fred Thompson was Joe Lieberman? Actually that's three questions, but you get the gist.

MEGAN: Why did we have to listen to all the various degrees of torture McCain underwent? To make us empathize more with him once we were tortured ourselves? I did think it really strange that they ended on Lieberman, though less so when I read this morning that Joe was really intended to be the nominee but everyone talked McCain out of it at the last minute.

SPENCER: That was the least self-aware moment of the convention. That crowd has spent four years cheering the torture of hundreds-if-not-thousands of detainees in the GWOT and bravely standing up for the constitutional principle that Bush can torture, like, whoever he wants. A convention with a sense of irony — or maybe just shame — would have soft-peddled that. I imagine that the 2020 nominating convention of the Neo-Baath Party will feature something similar

Some of Ahmed's fellow Abu Ghraib inmates are here tonight. Stand up! Stand up! We honor your service! Ya Iraq!
While they waterboarded Marwan at an undisclosed prison and asked him for names of the members of a terrorist group he didn't belong to, Marwan just recited the names of the Manchester United midfielders from 1970 on! (...and Bush had them all detained.)

MEGAN: Oh, God, yeah, I don't know if you could hear it on TV, but every time the crowd started chanting "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" I cringed a little. The shouted it every time the surge came up. I was seated next to a German reporter and I cringed a little and hoped she'd been at the DNC because I didn't want that to be her impression of our jingoistic little nation.

SPENCER: It's like how Rick Davis said bluntly that "this election is not about issues." Well fucking obviously when your agenda has been decisively refuted by the cold hand of reality. All that's left is treacly videos about pledging allegiance to the flag and comparing "the angry left" to North Vietnamese torturers.

MEGAN: You should've seen the standing ovation that line got, by the way. Also, if you didn't see the Reagan tribute video, you really missed something. It was all about how much he loved his wife and shit. Also, he saved this country! I heard one reporter openly snort at that assertion. I love being in the press box sometimes. In Denver, everyone was super quiet (or maybe it was just the section I was in), but here people are sort of milling around and talking to one another and stuff. Possibly because they released the full texts of all the speeches relatively early.

SPENCER: Fucking liberal reporters. I wonder what would happen if the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan asked a room full of anti-gay Republicans for a blowjob. Which principle is the controlling one?

MEGAN: One blow job doesn't make you gay. Liking it makes you gay... Oh, wait, never mind.

SPENCER: OK I need to wrap this up fairly soon so I can go to Glover Park and beg the Afghan consulate for a same-day visa in order to make my flight tomorrow to Afghanistan.

MEGAN: I am so excited for you which is only slightly tinged with worry for my friend...

SPENCER: I'll be totally fine. Well, presuming my body armor arrives at my office later today. If not, then you can worry.

MEGAN: I will be keeping my fingers crossed for that then. I'm guessing it's not something I could pick up here at an Army-Navy story and overnight to you...

SPENCER: Yeah, if only. Also, do you know that I can't figure out how to make a satellite modem work? I've emailed some people and am a bit reassured, and I'll talk to the guy at Inmarsat customer service today, but Jesus I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I could make this alchemy happen. This shit is heavy as hell and I'll be at an elevation higher than Denver. And this time without alcohol.

MEGAN: Dude, I'll stockpile the bourbon for your triumphant return to Washington... and to Crappy Hour.

SPENCER: I now have something to live for.

10:34 ET: John McCain can't raise his arms, so we should raise ours... no, not just one of them! That looks bad. And, he strides off stage. No basking in the crowd for him, he has a hot wife to get to.

10:33 ET: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to elect John McCain

10:31 ET: John McCain is going to shake something by the scruff of its neck (Fred Thompson: lots of scruff). Also, another standing ovation for anti-abortion rhetoric — he mocks Obama's "above my pay grade" comments on abortion, because Republicans know everything about God and would never admit otherwise.

10:30 ET: Another standing ovation for how taxing businesses is really taxing people. No really.

10:28 ET: Another standing o. Congress is unpopular and hasn't done anything, which is historic. Fred Thompson might have wanted to pay more attention during his tenure. Also, Fred Thompson says the Democrats don't have new ideas. Not that the Republicans do, really, they've both been peddling this same old shit for years. Fred skipped that last part.

10:27 ET: "A man who never quits is never defeated?" Yes, he can be. One who doesn't play... Oh, now we're mocking Obama's speech in Berlin, I think.

10:26 ET: People in Washington are self-serving. Ummmmm, Fred? Pot, kettle, etc.

10:25 ET: "That is character you can believe in." Guess we're off hope. Does the GOP write their own lines anymore, or just parody Obama's?

10:24 ET: John McCain was right about the surge, Fred says. People start chanting "U.S.A.!" Fred shuts them up with a wave of his hand.

10:22 ET: "Strength, courage, humility, wisdom, honor." Can we trust John McCain? A convention hall filled with people fills with applause. I guess that means yes.

10:19 ET: Seriously, these Twizzlers are a Godsend. "We hear a lot about Hope these days. John McCain knows a lot about Hope." Sir, I met Hope. You, sir, are no hope. My GOD, does it really matter how he was tortured? Blah blah, yes we know. Does he have policy suggestions? Positions on issues of importance to our country?

10:18 ET: John McCain was captured by the Viet Cong. Did you know? They tortured him. Wow, guess he should be President, then.

10:15 ET: McCain may have rebelled, driven a fast car and fucked a stripper, but he never broke the honor code. Also, the woman next to me has an open bag of Twizzlers. Her name is Christie and she works for Politics magazine and she saw me staring with longing and gave me one.

10:14 ET: John's mother Roberta McCain is here. Mama Biden kicks more ass though.

10:12 ET: "They're going to drain the swap." Drink a half a shot for an old Washington cliché from an old Washington cliché

10:11 ET: Palin's drinking word: reformer! Slam 'em if you got 'em.

10:10 ET: Oh, wait, here comes the mention of Bristol. Somehow that turned into a slam on Joe Biden. People cheer.

10:09 ET: Just because the Dems say they suck and have problems doesn't mean they aren't Proud To Be An American. Oh, and everyone is screaming and shouting for Palin.

10:08 ET: Gulf Coast, needs help, blah blah.

10:07 ET: It's Thompson time. There are a lot of people shouting behind me.

MOE: So I guess we should talk about how the Hillary Obama question is turning all of New York into a raging hormonal adolescent shitshow.

Whoda thunk? I mean, you know, they're both Democrats, they're both about a million times more competent than Bush, they're both incredibly intelligent, talented individuals...Are you seeing this phenomenon down there in our nation's capital??

MEGAN: Oh, sure. I think it's happening everywhere. It's like if you don't support Hillary, you're anti-woman and voting with your cooter, and if you don't support Barack, you're possibly anti-black and voting for the establishment (quasi-Republican) candidate.

Wait, why does that sound familiar?

MOE: Hmmmm... I'm thinking....

MEGAN: I personally enjoy Edwards' statement that he "[represents] the grownup wing of the Democratic party."

OH yeah, he's like the not so elder statesman!
MEGAN: He could be my elder statesman?

MOE: One night I left my phone in a bar. And the next day I went and picked it up. It was a bar I'd never been to, in the East Village, and it was the kind of bar you don't really go to if you've never been there, because it was like, you know, a regulars bar. And I sat down next to this couple, and for the first 15 minutes we were sort of sniffing one another out, talking about our jobs, and the difference between DC and New York. And finally they asked, "So who do you support?" And we realized we all had Obama boners. I stayed there like two more hours while we worked over the whys and wherefores and the pangs of self-doubt and the constant daily HOURLY checks of our consciences, of our dedication to gender equality freedom from media sway etc. etc. involved in that choice. I was really late to what else I was doing next, but it was really therapeutic, like going to the gym, not that I would know. The Obama people are just so much more understanding than the Clinton people. The Clinton people will just sit there rolling their eyes at you and saying, "You're not only a starry eyed misogynist, you are a DELUSIONAL HATER OF WOMEN." Hahahaha or something along those lines.

MOE: And honestly I don't know why I am even talking about that when we still haven't discussed those devilish Romney boys short-sheeting their parents' bed!

MEGAN: Oh. My. God. Short sheeting? Prank phone calls? I think I might need to take back anything I said about finding them hot. A good sense of humor is really important to me... and I don't think that counts.
My ex-boyfriend saw them on CNN with Soledad O'Brien and he said that they were all annoying earnest and oblivious. Sigh.
MOE: Yeah, at 33 years old or whatever, shouldn't Josh Romney have graduated to slightly more sophisticated humor? Whoopee cushions etc. etc.? I mean, we know he has had SEX at least twice at this point.
MEGAN: Hahahaha, like fucking makes a man more mature?
Why, no, I'm not feeling bitter this morning. Why do you asked?
MOE: I thought going to yoga seemed out of character for you.
MEGAN: Actually, I used to go to yoga regularly. And then my life got too stressful. And, yes, I realize the point of yoga is to counteract that, but it required time that I didn't have.
MOE: Yeah, whenever I think about getting into yoga, all the time I would have spent going to class is spent thinking, "Should I really do that? Or would that sort of be a waste of time. Time I could spend wasting...

Anyway, I think we are getting to that point where we concede that all this meaningless political horserace horseshit seems rather petty and insignificant in light of the mysterious death of Heath Ledger...
MEGAN: I will hang my head in shame and admit that every single time I see 10 Things I Hate About You on TV, I cannot not watch it. Every. Single. Time. And I'm not even going to pretend like it's really because I like Taming of the Shrew (which I do).
MOE: Well, they play that movie roughly as often as they play an episode in the Law & Order franchise. (R.I.P. Fred!) I remember feeling so OLD and like WTF when I saw it with my middle school sister, in the THEATER. But Stephen Hunter had given it a glowing review, and I was in this really miserable moment of my life where I thought...well anyway. I definitely wasn't getting laid. 10 Things I Hate About You gave me hope, or a delusions, or something.
MEGAN: It's every bitchy smart girl's fantasy movie. Heath was like the not-bad bad boy. Sigh.
MOE: SWOON.
MEGAN: Plus, who did not want Julia Stiles' hair?
MOE: Julia Stiles has the misfortune of being one of those women who looks kinda better with a mild eating disorder. As for Heath, he apparently always dissed 10 Things in interviews, pointing out its shoddy dialogue etc. etc. But we know he dissed because he loved!
MEGAN: See, the not-bad bad boy! Being mean but intellectual!
MOE: And our final topic: if you think the recession is scary, be glad you don't have a suspended bank account in the virtual reality community Second Life!
There's been a rash of bank runs! It's like the Depression in the Wild West!
It's A (not-so) Wonderful Second Life!
MEGAN: Hell, I'm just thankful for the bank accounts I got! Because, God knows, my 401K is about to start circling the drain.
MOE: Just read this graf and tell me what sticks out to you most:

"Everyone thinks that because you're losing play money, it excuses everything, but it's convertible to real money," says a Second Life player whose avatar is named UpMe Beam. On Sunday night, the female character was wandering topless through the virtual lobby of a Second Life bank called BCX Bank, where a sign said it was "not currently accepting deposits or paying interest."

In real life, UpMe Beam is a man who says that he is a certified public accountant who has audited banks. He wouldn't disclose his name, but says he has been unable to withdraw $5 he deposited in November to see how a Second Life bank works.

I really don't know how I feel about [a woman in the White House]. I see the positive parts of it. But, you know, I think there's something incredible about a First Lady. That, to me, is a woman in the White House. It's sort of like being parents to the United States, and she takes on the role of mother and confidante and care-giver. Standing behind every powerful man, there's a powerful woman...I don't want to say no, because that doesn't sound very open-mined. But do I want it to be Hillary? No, I don't think so.

Also, we learn Angie is married to a former football player with whom she likes to vacation in Las Vegas, was discovered by David Hasselhoff — "please don't make it sound cheesy, because that's not what it was" — wears silk pajamas that are lined in cashmere, took the stage during the Republican National Convention, loves to shop, would like to have another child but is "waiting on God," has a four-year-old daughter with a pet gecko that totally grosses her out although she is "confident that at any point she will be into Christian Louboutin instead of the lizard," and credits her high school cheerleading coach with instilling in her the confidence to realize she was "not a complete idiot."

Just because I'm friendly, and I like to guffaw when I laugh, and have a cold beer and hang out with my husband and my girlfriends, doesn't mean that I'm not just as intelligent as someone from, let's say, Manhattan.

Anyway, the writer, Amy Spencer, mysteriously fails to mention Fred Thompson, which could be because she, too, is just as intelligent as someone "from Manhattan," or more likely, because she asked Angie about the election and Angie was like, "huh? Oh no I was planning on endorsing Pat Tillman..."

And speaking (so to speak) as a blonde who has long been accused of being "ditzy" and... well, "ditzy," we'd like to commend him for that and maybe suggest Elisabeth Röhm consider running or something?

Thompson's Top Adviser [Washington Post]

Jeri Kehn, former communications director for Sen. Connie Mack (R-Fla.), tells PAGE SIX she and Thompson have been "dating seriously" for a few months, although "it's really been going on - on-and-off - for about two years. I'm crazy about him."

The only problem, says the 33-year-old bombshell, is she has to contend with "all these women" surrounding the 57-year-old Republican, who has been linked in the past to country singer Lorrie Morgan and flame-haired GOP fundraiser Georgette Mosbacher, the author of "It Takes Money, Honey." "They just won't leave him alone," Kehn gripes. "I can't get up to get a cocktail at a party without coming back and finding some girl sitting in my chair." The Senator's most tenacious admirer, she claims, is Margaret Carlson, the toothsome Time magazine senior writer who co-hosts CNN's "Inside Politics." "She just won't get the hint that he has a girlfriend," Kehn snarls. "She calls his apartment all the time. I mean, what is the deal with these women? Don't they have any pride?"

Will Her Face Determine His Future? [NY Times]

• Does she not have enough money already? Oprah Winfrey is opening her own store. [Hollywood Reporter]
  
• The Bush Administration has been subpoenaed for illegal wiretapping. The moment we heard this we called our mom and screamed with joy — because if anyone's being wiretapped it's us. [BBC]
  
• 1/3 of the Jezebel Administration has been subpoenaed for legal Paris Hilton/Larry King liveblogging. See you guys in two hours.
  
• Little Bindi Irwin makes like dad and plays with dangerous animals fearlessly, lovingly. [USA Today]
  
• The case of the now-21-year old who had consensual oral sex at age 17 has been denied bail for his 10-year sentence. We hate to say it, but we think this is what institutionalized racism smells like. [CNN]

• TV star/presidential candidate Fred Thompson has earned the endorsements of all of his former girlfriends. Hmm. Would our former boyfriends would do the same for us. Boys? Care to comment? [TMZ]
• We love bad TV (more on obsessions with Age of Love and Hannah Montana tomorrow!), but even we shudder at the thought of this newest reality program. [ABC News]
• You gotta love a baby hippo! [Discovery]
• 3 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

• So it was Vanessa Minnillo in those Lohan-knife-"sexy"? photos! We thought Minnillo was famous for dating Nick Lachey but apparently she's also famous for being the celebrity interviewer least likely to interview celebrities now that she's a seasoned starfucker. Also, she is one of the very exclusive cadre of industry babes who has been linked to Derek Jeter. So why is she just being identified today, if the photos appeared on Sunday Euro time? Because the gossip press cares ALMOST as much as we do. [Page Six]
  
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson split, giving us respite from their constant reminders that the offscreen existence of celebrities whose movies we have actually seen is somehow evem more depressing than that of Heidi and Spencer. [Page Six]
  
• Jolie-Pitt's next adopt-quisition to be a Czech boy, thereby tilting her family's racial makeup towards Aryan Nation territory. [TheSun]
  
• MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough asks if Fred Thompson's wife "works the pole," which is something we guess is okay to ask among conservatives as long as Michelle Malkin isn't listening. [Crooks&Liars]
  
• People are still wondering who Prince Harry's "REAL" dad is. [USAToday]
  
• Paris Hilton gets a cell bigger than the room we lived in until May; a jumpsuit with short sleeves, and is allowed to keep her extensions. [TMZ]

• Joe Francis is free on his tax evasion charges after posting $1.5 million bail; crimes against humanity still working themselves out. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston drops thousands on gifts for Wyatt Crow, otherwise known as the kid Sheryl Crow (creepily? should we give her a break since .. like, cancer?) told OK Magazine was "My Dream Baby." [TMZ]
• And speaking of environmentalists with significant others maybe a leeeedle bit too narcissistic to handle them: Laurie and Larry David split. [Page Six]
• Borat's fiance totally cried at "Knocked Up" last weekend. [People]
• Today Show staffers call Good Morning America "Gay-MA" and host Chris Cuomo an epithet so sophomoric it sounds like something Jenny would say. [Page Six]
• Real estate mogul to his 7-year-old upon presentation of her Lego rendition of his building: "Ivanka, I wasn't going to say anything, but this really has been bothering me, there are five setbacks in the façade of the Trump Tower, not six."[LizSmith]