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When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Nothing Is More Boring Than Your Diet

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inabook
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Oh man. I don't do any of this (and it would drive me crazy!) but my mom's big thing in dining is that she gets super guilty feeling if she orders a more expensive meal than anyone else.
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Chamalla,barren crone
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Man, this makes me wish I had a sibling. This is totally something the younger and kookier version of myself would have thunk up. Seeing this during my table waiting days would have earned you and your brother free stuff from the kitchen.
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The Queen of No
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
I have never felt bad for ordering my food the way I like it. I don't think I go overboard with it, but I don't like raw onions or mayonnaise and I like my dressing on the side.
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clintosterholz
08/19/09

@The Queen of No: I always preferred having customers like you when waiting tables. I was always handsomely rewarded for my attentiveness. Even if I didn't get it right the first time.
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LindyLou
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
As someone with Celiac disease, eating out is fraught with danger for me (which means, unfortunately, that I avoid doing it). I usually end up saying I have a "wheat allergy" because many waiters have no idea what gluten is. My question for those of you who are/were waiters: when is the best time to bring up my dietary restriction? When you bring the menus or ask for the drink order, so you have a heads up? Or should I wait until you take the food order?

Like others have mentioned, because I know this adds extra work for the server and kitchen, I leave big tips for those who are helpful and patient with me.
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Yahtzii
08/19/09

@LindyLou: When they take the drink order, and you know for sure it's your waiter. Either way, don't hold off in case they need to warn the kitchen.
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SomeAuthorGirl
08/19/09

@LindyLou: I have celiac also; if it is a casual place, I research first and know what I'm going to order. If it's a semi-nice place, I tell the server prior to ordering. (Sometimes I say the "wheat allergy" thing too, ugh ugh ugh.) If it is a very nice place that I'm going for say a business dinner or some such, I often call ahead the afternoon of a reservation to discuss my options. Lots of work, but this seems to work and spares fine dining servers a whole lot of hullaballoo during ordering.

I do the same thing with tipping. Celiacs have got to be among the best tippers...
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Jacy
08/19/09

@LindyLou: As a server, I would say to let us know about any dietary restrictions or allergies as soon as I get to your table. A lot of the times, I'll want to get a manager involved to in order to go over your options and to doublecheck the food in the kitchen.

Just last week, one of my coworkers was told by one of her customers that he was hesitant about asking for substitutions or deletions because he'd been informed that it was "obnoxious" to let the waitstaff know that he had a food allergy. Because we'd much rather have you make a trip to the emergency room than ask us to keep tomatoes off your salad. but that's a different rant.
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Nuckin Futz for you
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Ha! I love my boyfriend to no end but he's so guilty of being a bad orderer. He's always talking away and we have to ask the waitor/tress to come back sometimes more then once because he'll still be talking. Then he always asks what they recommend...I die a little. I wouldnt want responsibility of explaining my personal dining choices to a customer. He's just overly friendly and will chat away at them, which is great unless its busy and I know he's holding them up with his charm and jokes. I love his ease but I wish it was a little more efficient.
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youbehim
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Man, I must be a real jerk. Everyone is talking about how they clean up the tables after they're done eating...I don't do this. I don't make a mess, but it's the bussers job to clean up. The whole reason I went out to eat was so I would be taken care of.
If I was going to clean everything up, I would've saved my money and cooked.
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applebrown-betty
08/19/09

@youbehim: when i would serve, i would also get yelled at if a manager saw that a customer had stacked any dishes to make them easier to carry for me because it meant that they had the time to do so and that i hadn't cleared fast enough. some people are just ocd and/or courteous! he liked to yell a lot though. the restaurant industry is just fraught with troubles for the wary diner! ha ha!
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Madge
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
I too like to give all pertinent information when I order. I'd like a turkey, avocado and swiss on wheat to go; light mayo, lettuce and tomato only. But without the fail the questioning begins "Is this for here or to go?, followed by "what kind of bread would you like?, followed by "what kind of cheese would you like", followed by "do you want everything on that?". Now I did my time at a sandwich shop and it's not really that hard to listen to what the customer tells you, but I guess they're trained to follow the script.
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Hiroine Protagonist promoted this comment Edited by Madge at 08/19/09 2:03 PM Madge was starred Madge was unstarred

Hiroine Protagonist
08/19/09

@Madge: Or they're stoned or in their happy place far far away from the 28th sandwich of the morning. And they're hungover.
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Madge
08/20/09

@Hiroine Protagonist: Maybe they just can't hold their substances like we did either. We were mostly hungover back then too and could still remember a sandwich order.
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Edited by Madge at 08/20/09 2:19 PM Madge was starred Madge was unstarred

Rooo sez BISH PLZ
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Sadie, this article is a perfect riot.

My mother started to note at family outings that whatever I ordered came to the table looking, in her opinion, "better than hers". She pumped that myth so relentlessly - all my boyfriends buy it, every time - that now, when we go out with extended family, people sit at the table with their menus and just wait for me to screw up.
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The Queen of No
08/19/09

@Rooo sez BISH PLZ: My mother does the EXACT. SAME. THING. Wow, that's funny.
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samethingwedoeverynightpinky
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
This game seems a little intense for me, but I do try to keep my orders as unfussy as possible. My mother, grandmother, and stepfather basically see a menu as an ingredients list, like "here are all the foods available at this restaurant, and I can order them in any combination and prepared in any style I choose." I am always afraid the waiters are spitting in our food. I'm a vegetarian, and I don't do eggs if I can see them, so occasionally I do ask for something to be omittes or substituted, but I try to do it as basically and politely as possible, to make up for that time my mother walked out of a restaurant mid meal because they wouldn't sautee the steamed broccoli.
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KLondike5
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
I'm a pretty efficient orderer, but I'm a real fascist about tidying up the table after a meal. I have trained my children from toddlerhood to put silverware at at 4:20 (I know...heh heh...but it's so the person clearing the plate can hold down all the cutlery with their thumb), stack their plates, put all disposables (i.e. paper napkins, chopsticks) in a pile.

And, yes, I get on my knees and pick up the most egregious crumbs and spilled ice cubes my little darlings might have left. Are the chairs pushed in when we leave? You bet your ass they are.

I guess I just have a deep-seated fear of being the people where, when they leave, the table looks like a war zone and it takes a squadron of bussers to prep it for the next guests.

And it's important to me to teach my kids to respect everyone's work and workplace. I'm a working class woman raising middle class kids, so I want to steer them carefully.
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Yahtzii promoted this comment KLondike5 was starred KLondike5 was unstarred

Yahtzii
08/19/09

@KLondike5: On behalf of all restaurant employees, current and former, let me just say that we love you.
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colormeroutine
08/19/09

@KLondike5: I would have been in love with you back when I was an ice cream scooper. I had one woman who came in EVERY DAY with her 2 kids (and 2 nannies) and once, when the nannies weren't there, she let the 3 year old FINGER PAINT ON THE WALL WITH HIS BLUE ICE CREAM
All she said about it was "um, I think you have a mess to clean up back there"
And didn't tip
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rhymenoceros
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
I find it interesting that those of us who order like this do it as a response to the people we dine with who are inefficient, indecisive, and overdemanding. My friend wants subs for everything and takes ten years to make up her mind and then speaks super quietly and with a mildly bitchy expression on her face, and I want to leave an apology note for her. I'm not picky, I love trying new things, and I examine the menu and then the sides and variables and have it all ready to go when the waiter gets to me, and execute it with warmth and a smile. Crazy!

My pet peeve is coffeeshop ordering though, because as a barista, nothing is more obnoxious when a customer orders an extremely picky drink, because 9 times out of 10 you are not proving your coffee snobbiness, you're proving you want to ingest two meals worth of calories in liquid form in the stupidest most convoluted way possible. Three modifiers and then you're done.
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LouisiAnna
08/19/09

@rhymenoceros: I'm going to learn needlepoint simply to put your last paragraph on a pillow and hand it out.

I'm a former bar manager. I've long had the rule that if you order something with more than three ingredients you're either picky or looking to get really drunk. I flat out refused to make some drinks -- "I want a Malibu and 7, three cherries, with a bit of OJ and cranberry, not so much that it's pink!" Bite me, princess. (That was a real order btw.)
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willwriteforfood
08/19/09

@rhymenoceros: Was it Bill Maher who said if your coffee order takes more than two breaths to get through, you're not a coffee snob, you're just an asshole?
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itsonreserve
08/19/09

@rhymenoceros: The worst is when they order that, and then think they got the wrong perfectly executed drink. I once in my barista days had a woman ask me snarkilly if I had ever made a cappuccino before, because her drink was foamy, and the ones she's had before aren't. A FUCKING CAPPUCCINO HAD FOAM. I wasn't aware we had all been making them wrong because they weren't like the gas station machine. Sorry.
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sarrible
08/19/09

@itsonreserve: When I used to work in a coffee shop, Starbucks had just introduced the "caramel macchiato," which was, in fact, a latte with caramel syrup in it, because Starbucks is for morons. The morons would then order a caramel macchiato from me. After a few times when I'd make what they asked for (a shot of espresso with caramel syrup and a little foam on top), I broke down and asked them if they wanted a "Starbucks macchiato." And usually refrained from adding "you philistine."
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sailorsong
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
When my mom orders McDonalds she always asks for a hamburger with big mac sauce (gross!) it drives me crazy.
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sybann
08/19/09

@sailorsong: "have it your waaaaay!"
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welsey
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Last week, I waited on a man apparently new to the concept of restaurants. He had no idea what he wanted and made me wait at his table while he decided. He was angry that all we had was sandwiches, since that was the first page he'd opened to and must have assumed the surrounding pages in our spiral-bound menu were blank. I flipped through for him, briefly, and he went back to his deliberations. When he finally ordered something we were (of course) out of, he demanded "what meat do you have?!" and then insisted that all he wanted was roast turkey, sliced. Not something we have! Then he said he wanted something with mushrooms. I started repeating the name of a steak with mushroom gravy to him until he caved and ordered that, warning me that he hoped he would like it.

His friend then ordered beef stroganoff, with the caveat that every other time he'd ordered it at this restaurant it had been too tough and this time it better not be. Or else he'd send it back.

I have never hated a table so much.
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willwriteforfood
08/19/09

@welsey: Oh Jaysus. Why bother going out to eat then? I hate people like this, which is why I would make a lousy waiter. My temper is far too short.
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laureltreedaphne
08/19/09

@willwriteforfood:

The other day I watched a man at Applebee's send his steak back FIVE times. 5! At an Applebee's! It was unbelievable. Everyone in the restaurant was looking at him like, where did this guy come from? And at the end, he demanded his meal be free. Why do people get free meals for being douchebags?
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deltabella
08/19/09

@laureltreedaphne: Seriously, five times? Applebee's only gives you two options on your steak: pink or not pink in the center- there is no rare- well done range. I can understand maybe sending it back once, but if you want a steak specialized to your needs, maybe you should cook it yourself. AT HOME.
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LouisiAnna
08/19/09

@laureltreedaphne: I call this "castle syndrome." People grossly uncomfortable or unhappy with their lives seek out retail clerks, servers, etc. in order to make themselves feel special, or like royalty. Searching for serfs for their castles.
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welsey
08/19/09

@LouisiAnna: That's a good way to put it. I always get at least one person a night who seems genuinely irritated that we don't have a rigid caste system but grateful that tip-based server jobs exist for him to play out his immobile class fantasies.
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willwriteforfood
08/19/09

@laureltreedaphne: If I were him, I'd have been afraid after the third time my steak would be drop-kicked and spit on before it came back out from the kitchen.
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LouisiAnna
08/19/09

@welsey: Thanks. I think I came up with it when a patron said that my bar "was his castle." But I might be making that up because I used to drink a lot during my shifts, so a few years are a wee hazy.

But yes, people go to be served, and that's cool. No need to be a jackass about it, any more than a person working for mainly tips to subsist on should forget their own manners and be a crap server.
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sewradical
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
Oh, I lose. So hard. I'm a vegetarian (I'll eat eggs if I know where they have come from, so vegan for all intents and purposes) with lots and lots of allergies. To be fair, (when I eat out and I really try to avoid it) I try my hardest to be polite and have everything worked out before the server comes to the table.

What makes me the WORST customer ever? I am allergic to some common chemicals including some detergents. As in, I have to bring my own plate and silverware. In my purse. To the restaurant. I die a little every time.
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Yahtzii promoted this comment Edited by sewradical at 08/19/09 1:49 PM sewradical was starred sewradical was unstarred

Yahtzii
08/19/09

@sewradical: Just tip well! All is forgiven with a good tip.
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Artemis47
08/19/09

@sewradical: I can't really get annoyed at you for having a special diet and trying not to die. The kind of thing that gets me is people with special diet needs who DON'T speak up. For example: my friend's vegetarian girlfriend, who was very meek and passive aggressive. When going out to eat en masse, the rest of us always stopped to check the posted menu outside to make sure there was something she'd be happy eating. But she was so anxious and self-effacing, she'd often waive us in even if there was a real problem! We'd find out 15 minutes later as she sat there fidgeting uncomfortably and whispering unhappily into her boyfriend's ear. Help us help you! We don't mind going next door instead, REALLY!
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elliebean
08/19/09

@sewradical: But none of that is your fault. There are times that you have to eat on the go, or want to go out with friends, right? I dunno, I've always been of the attitude that if a customer is polite and reasonable, I would do whatever I could to make their visit enjoyable.
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sewradical
08/19/09

@Yahtzii: I usually leave about 50%, depending on how many hoops I had to make the waiter jump through. And in cash, so they don't have to pool the tip with their coworkers.
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Yahtzii
08/19/09

@sewradical: That is very generous of you. But I promise, nobody wants you to die on the dinner table, and they won't fault you for having allergies or not eating meat, especially if you're up-front about them. When I worked at a fancy restaurant, there was at least one regular with a lot of severe allergies and we just kept a list of them in the back for the chefs.
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sewradical
08/19/09

@sewradical: Thanks for being so nice everyone. But really, I'm terrible. Substitutions, lots of questions about random ingredients, bizarre requests (for instance, no butter or vegetable oil for cooking - it has to be olive. Surefire way to piss of the people cooking your food).

But, yeah, Jill7 and RudyWaltz, the stuff that isn't included in the menu but shows up on your plate can be really difficult. Like, over the weekend I went to lunch with my boss and my salad had walnuts on it. Which make my throat close. No where on the menu did it say walnuts.
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jianna
08/19/09

In reply to When Every Meal Is A Test: Take The Restaurant Challenge!
I order an insane sounding Iced Tea from Starbucks and despite my barista sister telling me repeatedly, I can never remember the order it all goes in. I need to study it because otherwise I just feel like a pain in the ass.

(It's an Iced Shaken Green Tea with no water and 2 pumps classic, btw. I used to get melon in there too, but they don't have melon anymore, nooo.)
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hydrogen_jukebox
08/19/09

@jianna: As a former Barista, I get a sick pleasure from ordering a very complicated drink, and saying it in the wrong order, just to see if the Barista is on their game.

Though I do have mercy when they seem genuinely confused, and then I spout it off in rapid-fire in correct order.

But to the Barista at the bar, not the register. (evil smile)
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KLondike5
08/19/09

@jianna: When I used to manage coffee shops, we used to name complicated drinks after the regular customers who ordered them, so they wouldn't have to sweat it every time.

So, for instance, one shot of espresso and a small cup's worth of iced coffee in a large cup with tons of ice was a "Julia", an extra hot small hot chocolate with honey and extra honey on top of the whipped cream was an "Amer", and so on.

Easier for everyone, and those customers were extremely loyal (and tipped well).
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itsonreserve
08/19/09

@KLondike5: I used to work in an office building coffee shop, so I had a million regular customers. The look on their face when you say, "The usual?" is absolutely priceless.
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