Tender meat… bulging and exploding with a surprise inside. All you have to do is put it in your mouth.



Juicy, sticky, sweet and warm.

Would you like to nibble a lean little hunk? Or get your hands on something fleshy and chunky? Ooh, naughty: You want both at the same time, don't you.



Opened wide. Ready, willing. Waiting.

Or do you like it raw? Glistening and pink?

What a tease… Encouraging you to finger those folds.

Put your tongue inside, where it's moist and delicious.

Oozing. Just for you. You know you want it.

Biting is allowed… encouraged.

Can't you feel your heart race? It's dripping and luscious, waiting to be penetrated. [Ugh, Dodai, I'm blushing. -Ed.]

Mackenzie Ltd [Official Site]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Jesusophile believes that the best way to demonstrate his understanding of the functioning of the female anatomy is with a tomato that he calls Natalie. He really likes Natalie.

Jesusophile is about to pentrate Natalie's soft squishy core with the best representation of his penis he could find to use on camera: a spoon. Anticipation, baby.

That first moment of sweet penetration always inspires this look.

Even Jesusophile is smart enough not to go all the way to the hilt in the first stroke.

Here, Jesusophile takes a moment to admire the hole he's created with his faux-phallus.

Does anyone else worry that he's about to eat Natalie out with some fava beans and a nice Chianti?

And then he fingers Natalia, delicately at first.

God made him do it! No, Natalie, run!

AHHHHHHHH! No one told me this was going to be slash porn!

He just can't believe what he's done!

Scared of his own brutal desires, Jesusophile resorts to sucking his thumb.

He says, "I am not sure how Jesus feels about licking [the clitoris]," which is why he resorts to sodomizing vegetables, mutilating them and eating them, because he's not sure God wants men to eat pussy.

In summary, when you are lacking in vegetables, "Put your sperm where is needs to be and, women, you can play with your clitoris. That's what God wants you to do."

And Now, A Safer Sex Message [Andrew Sullivan]

And not that you should go read a highbrow conversation about the most portable, least-messy dessert invented by humankind, but Sara Dickerman, Dorie Greenspan and David Lebovitz had one over at Slate last week that is notable for its ability to make you hungry even immediately after eating and the consensus to which they came: ginormous cookies, like ginormous cars, are out. And then they talk about delicious sweet cookie goodness.

The great thing about cookies — as Dickerman points out — is that they are a personal gift that even a recession (or student poverty) can't keep you from giving. Dickerman and Greenspan both talk, too, about one of my favorite aspects of baking: the Zen-like focus that baking from scratch can require. It's a physical and mental task to make good cookies (if you don't have a stand-mixer), as you add the ingredients in the right order, fold the dough, tray the cookies and wait for them to be baked as you put more dough on a tray to wait its turn. It's comforting in its guided, precise creationism.

Anyway, all of this is to say: leave your favorite Christmas cookie in the comments. If you looking for recipes, two of mine favorites are here, but several Christmases ago a woman in my yoga class made me chocolate ginger cookies and never "remembered" to give me the recipe — so if you have that one, leave that, too!

The State Of The Cookie [Slate]

Related: Almond Christmas Tree and Nutmeg Cookies [Internet Food Association]

Anna: Butternut squash and apple soup. Sliced warm baguette. Glass of Bailey's (on the rocks). 4-lb. roast chicken with stuffing and gravy. Garlic mashed potatoes. Torbreck Barossa Valley Woodcutter's Shiraz (2006). Baked macaroni & cheese. String beans. Roasted Brussels sprouts. Crescent rolls. Blueberry cobbler. Pecan pie. Vanilla Haagen Dazs ice cream. Glenlivet on the rocks (left unfinished).

Sadie:
Spiced pecans/sherry. Turkey (brined, free-range etc.) Gravy (SS's job.) Mashed potatoes. Mashed bourbon sweet potatoes. Green beans with walnuts and walnut oil. Succotash. Cornbread stuffing with apples and sausage. Cranberry sauce. Rolls. Riesling and sparkling cider. Coffee. Apple pie (SS-made). Pumpkin pie (Cook's Illustrated; perfect and labor-intensive.) Chocolate bourbon pecan pie. Whipped cream.

Megan:
2006 Beckman's Cuvee. French bread with whipped, unsalted butter. Herbed risotto with wild mushrooms and butternut squash. Haricot vert sauteed with garlic and walnuts. Molten chocolate cake with raspberries and vanilla bean crème fraîche. Coffee.

Jessica:
Turkey. Sweet Potato soufflé. Wild rice with sausage. Salad with dried cranberries. Pumpkin Pie. Apple Pie.

Your turn. Give us all the mouthwatering details: what worked, what didn't, and the recipes you discovered that must be shared with the world.

The "American Farmstead cheese collection" includes Marieke Gouda, Vermont Ayr, La Fleurie and Capriole O'Banon. Whatever that means. Looks delicious. Also not bad? The sheep. And the dude.

Hmm, a new Thanksgiving tradition? Mini empanadas seem like a great idea, all of a sudden. So do bacon-wrapped dates. And phyllo-wrapped spinach triagles. And tamales. Yum.

There's something about pot pie on a cold day. So warm, so creamy, so filling. This one is lobster, but chicken is great, too. Also seen here: smoked salmon trio (scotch-cured, Maine sea spice and lemon-and-dill) and maple-smoked salmon fillet.

Beef. It's what's for dinner. Will you have filet mignon? Strip steaks? Rib roast? Or some dry-aged beef? Everything looks juicy and divine.

Some families always have turkey; my people are prone to ham. We like it soaked in bourbon and smothered in pecans, but both of these look okay. Let's just skip to dessert.

The "bûche de Nöel" is a cake that looks like a log. This one is chocolate genoise cake "rolled with a light, fluffy layer of chocolate ganache and rerobed in chocolate truffle buttercream cleverly sculpted to replicate bark." And those mushrooms are made of meringue. Some people love tiramisu; I think I'd opt for the peppermint gelato truffles down below. They're described as "silky-smooth," and now my mouth is watering.

Peppermint bark! It's official, the holidays have begun.

You can't actually buy this adorable igloo cake — Williams-Sonoma just sells the mold — but it's so cute!

Even better: Red velvet cake. Or cupcakes. Get your own.

Then there's 12-layer chocolate cake, coconut lemon layer cake and five layer mousse cake. Ever feel like you want to live inside of a cake?

You can try and live inside of this gingerbread manor, if you like. A recession bargain at $250. Oh, but here's a tip for the folks at Williams-Sonoma: Why not call your gingerbread cookies "kids" instead of "boys"? Especially when one is named Samantha?

Anyway, if the manor is a little high-end for your taste, downsize to a little gingerbread shack.

Williams-Sonoma [Official Site]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Do you like it spicy in your mouth? Well try a steaming heap of pumpkin…mmmmmmm.

[Image via The Martha Blog]

This slice of apple pie looks so good you just wanna stick your…face in it.

[Image via Lick Your Own Bowl]

Don't you love looking at the sloppy wet inside of a blueberry pie? (By the way, Anna is in need of a good blueberry cobbler recipe. Any suggestions?)

[Image via Totally Cooked]

It looks like this chocolate could not contain itself and spurted all over the pecan pie. We'd post a picture of cherry pie, but it's entirely too scandalous. And…we're spent.

[Image via España Profunda]

A Brief History Of Pie [Time]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

• If you are a fan of just regular, missionary sex, go get yourself some vanilla and an imagination.
• If you are slightly more adventurous and like to try out as many positions as possible before collapsing in a sweaty, sticky mess, Ben & Jerry's has a pint of "everything but the..." with your name on it.
• If sex just doesn't feel right until your muscles are strainged from trying out any of a number of porn-tastic positions, try B&J's "Caramel Sutra" instead.
• If you're on the rag but quivering with sexual desire, get yourself some Cherry Garcia and some expensive white sheets.
• If you're one of those women (or men) who just lives to get spooged on at the end, obviously Cold Stone's Cake Batter has your name written all over it.
• If you like to do a little pirate role-playing thing in the bedroom, parrot and peg-leg optional, get some of Häagen Dazs' Rum Raisin. And just pretend that the parrot and the peg leg are optional.
• If you like your men (or women) a little young — but still legal, obviously — get some of Cold Stone's Green Apple Gummy Bear.
• If you can't get enough of men or women (like George Hamilton, John Boehner or Lindsay Lohan) who are perma-tanned orange, and/or have a tanning bed fetish, try out Cold Stone's Orange Dreamsicle.
• If there's nothing you're craving more that a cock up your ass, you should probably get yourself a freshly-packed pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie at the nearest B&J's location near you.
• But if you're really into asses more generally, they also make a slightly spicy Cinnamon Buns you could try.
• If there's just something about Ron Jeremy that just completely floats your boat, please just go buy a lifetime supply of Chunky Monkey and never tell anyone.
• But if you're hoping that there's just one, big way that Howard Dean resembles Ron Jeremy, get yourself a pint of B&J's Vermonty Python.
• If you get off more on angry sex or break up sex than anything, Häagen Dazs has your Rocky Road waiting at your local supermarket and my therapist has an open slot on Wednesday you can have.
• If you are a lactation festishist, they've got your Dulce de Leche, too, and there's probably going to be a breastfeeding woman somewhere in the supermarket anyway.
• If you just can't stop pestering your lover to do it again and again, B&J makes a S'more ice cream that he would probably just as soon you started eating because shit chafes after a while.
• If you're really into teabagging, Cold Stone has a Macadamia nut flavor that they can definitely add even more nuts to.
• Obviously, if you're more into the three-ways, Neopolitan is the way to go.
• And if you just can't go without a movie star hopped up on amphetamines — even though you're going to have to — grab a pint of B&J's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and a box of Kleenex for whatever bodily fluids you might excrete from either grief or pleasure.

Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex [NY Times]

Related: Ben & Jerry's Flavor World
Häagen Dazs Ice Cream
Cold Stone Creations

Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

Okay, all you closet goths: Black dishes! Gorgeous, no? Try not to think about the fact that the champagne flutes are $180 for a set of two. Think how awesome they'd look on a crisp white tablecloth with some deep purple grapes and My Bloody Valentine playing in the background.

Holy sweet tooth, it's a Bat Cake! That is not paper, that is purple and black tinted white chocolate. Decadent. Which is why it's $160.

The Ghost Cake is cute, but let's focus on those Halloween Pops: "Big chunks of ooey gooey handmade chocolate chip fudge with marshmallows get the 'stick treatment' before being dipped in Belgian chocolate and decorated by hand." Uh, what's that the kids say on the interwebs? WANT. $44 for a set of 4.

The Trick Or Treat bag is okay, but the cookies shaped like kids in costumes are awesome. I want to bite that little devil's head off. Fourteen cookies, $65.

Yum, that $120 Pumpkin Cake is "six layers of vanilla spiced cake with praline butter cream and a center layer of rich chocolate fudge." And that thing that looks like a crate of apples? It's an Apple Crate Cake. No, really. It's a chocolate cake with marzipan apples on top. It's also $200. Meanwhile, I am seriously considering ordering six cookies and eight brownies right now: $40.

Whoa. A large feast is $520. You get a turkey, porcini stuffing with gravy, brussels sprouts au gratin, bourbon sweet potatoes with almonds and cranberry sauce with cardamom. Plus cream cheese biscuits. I just want to dip my finger in those sweet potatoes, how much would that cost?

These "cranky" jack o' lantern chocolates are so damn cute. $36 for 16.

Here's Halloween for grownups: White chocolate pumpkin with ganache-filled figs and a bottle of red wine. Costume optional.

Dean & Deluca [Official Site]

Harry & David: First of all, pears. Duh. (The Giant Royal Rivieras, $49.95) Then, some Moose Munch in a Party Drum ($39.95). The Pumpkin Spice Log ($39.95) looks like it would probably be nasty (too much cream-cheese icing) but I'd still try it. Same goes for these Christmas Tree Cheesecakes ($32.95). And oh shit, these Cinnamon Swirls ($26.95)? Yeah, I'd hit that. On a healthier note, the Super Fruit Buffet ($37.95) looks delectable. Tasty Shit: $227.70

Williams-Sonoma:
I'm not as into the filled-pancake pan ($35.00) as the spiced apple-filled pancakes themselves. And Halloween caramel apples? Yum. ($16.50) Although aren't caramel apples usually a lot prettier to look at than to eat? No matter, I'll settle for the adorable, $15.00 Halloween truffles (owls! a ghost!) and mini iced cookies ($19.50). Tasty Shit: $86

Sur La Table: If I had a yard, lots of money (and knew how to, uh, cook), I'd consider this outdoor terra cotta oven ($2,000). But I'd settle for these adorable terra cotta chimenea votives...on sale! ($14.99). Yum, Italian lemonade? But I'd use this Italian lemonade jar ($69.95, plus $16.95 for metal stand) as a terrarium. Or these glass cloches ($64.85 for one of each size). Cute shopping totes! And last but not least, something for Halloween: A pumpkin cake, although the catalog doesn't sell it ready-made, only the pans ($27.95). Tasty Shit: $2,194.69

Sunnyland Farms: If you aren't getting this catalog, sign up right now. In addition to offering up the most amazing pecans ever to touch my tongue, the nut farm's print edition is the direct-mail highlight of fall: Owner Jane Willson sprinkles her pages with updates on her family, loyal employees, far-flung travels (the woman is in her 70s or even 80s and, this year alone, visited Africa and Tibet), and a fascinating step-by-step of how pecans are "made". She's a neat-sounding lady. Anyway here's what's on offer: Mammoth Pecan Halves (toasted and salted) in a 3lb. home box. ($38.15). Then, a 3-lb. box of Sugar 'N Spice Candied Pecan Halves ($39.85). A tin of half dark, half milk-chocolate pecan pralines ($28.40). Tasty Shit: $106.50

Total Tasty Shit: $2,614.89
Total Pounds Gained: Incalculable