• Nene and Kim might get evicted from Real Housewives Of Atlanta?!?! Aren't they the most entertaining ones?

Oh: They're demanding more money than Bravo wants to shell out. Hmm. Anyways, Bravo is looking for new wealthy/notable Atlanta housewives, though Usher's ex-wife Tameka Foster isn't being considered: Apparently "Tameka isn't very popular in Atlanta," and all the "housewives" said they'd leave the show if she were cast. OUCH. [Gatecrasher]

• BREAKING: John Mayer was seen talking to Kim Kardashian. She is happy with Reggie Bush, however. [Page Six]
• A hip NYC cafe is being sued by a waitress who claims she had her hours cut after she refused to date the "Butterscotch Stallion," Owen Wilson. [Page Six]
• Oprah won't win an Oscar for "producing" Precious because she signed on to do so after the film was shot, which disqualifies her (and Tyler Perry). [NY Post]
• By the by: Oprah's ratings are down. [NY Post]
• I like the way Josh Brolin is looking at Matt Damon in this Entertainment Weekly pic from a story about the documentary project The People Speak. [Gatecrasher]
• A former nanny claims that Christie Brinkley ignored the fact that Alexa Joel was becoming a troubled child. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton was seen knocking back shots and drinking margaritas and a source says "she looked healthy and in control." Whatever that means. [Page Six]
• Wendy Williams got breast implants when she was 14. FOURTEEN. fourteen years ago. Sigh. Misleading headline! [Gatecrasher via People]
• The company which has the rights to distribute shirts, posters and other things with Michael Jackson on 'em is suing EVERYONE who is "bootlegging" items. [TMZ]
• A California appeals court is considering whether Roman Polanski's case can be dismissed without him being present. [CNN, LA Times]
• Kendra Wilkinson has given birth to Hank Randall Baskett IV. [Ok!, People]
• Inevitable? Tiger Woods paramour Rachel Uchitel is in negotiations to pose for Playboy. [Extra]
• Another (unnamed) woman who had a relationship with Tiger Woods has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer. [Radar Online]
• Porn star Holly Sampson is not denying anything; she confirms that she and Tiger Woods were "intimate." In addition, in some old video clip she says that Tiger is the whitest black boy you've ever met. His teeth are perfect and he's the perfect gentleman." Then she points to her crotch and says: "He's beautiful ... beautiful everything." [Us Magazine]
• Hollywood madam Michelle Braun says that at least two of Tiger Woods' hookups — Jamie Jungers and Holly Sampson — were high-end escorts. [TMZ]
• Oh, and Michelle Braun says that Tiger was a client, and paid $60,000 for her high-priced hookers. [E!, NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Holly Sampson: "Although I enjoyed our time together, I never was and never will be one of Tiger's mistresses. I resent being put in the same category as the other women." This is because their hookups took place before he was married. [TMZ]
• "Tiger Woods has come clean to his stunning Swedish wife about ALL of his dirty horndogging, porn-star loving, cocktail-waitress chasing and general catting around with scads of ladies, according to a report." [NY Post via People]
• TLC was granted an injunction against Jon Gosselin, which — thank Zeus — bars Jon from making any more appearances like that embarrassing pool party thing. [Extra, AP]
• You may have heard that Chris Brown did a radio interview in which the DJ asked him about Rihanna — and Chris promptly hung up. Audio at the link. [TMZ]
• Jeff Bridges plays a washed-up country singer named Bad Blake in new movie Crazy Heart, and says his mom didn't like one of his most famous characters, The Dude, and "probably wouldn't like Bad, either. She liked to see her son play the president or a doctor-like any old mom, you know." [WSJ]
• Q: You've been married to the same woman for 32 years. Rule #1 for staying together in Hollywood? 
Jeff Bridges: "Don't get a divorce. That will keep you together, you know." [WSJ]
• "Michael Barrett, 48, Will Plead Guilty To Stalking For Secretly Making Nude Film Of ESPN Reporter [Erin Andrews]; Faces 5 Years In Jail." [CBS News]
• Brad Paisley has the number one album on Time's Top 100 Albums list. [Time]
• The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie on Time's Top 100 movies list. (Up is number 2, so, yay! animation.) [Time]
• Lil Wayne's new album, Rebirth, has been delayed. Again. [Reuters]
• RIP Flight Of The Conchords. Show collaborator James Bobin says: "While the characters Bret and Jemaine will no longer be around, the real Bret and Jemaine will continue to exist." Quietly sob while you watch this video the guys made for us, the ladies of the world. Redheads not warheads! Blondes not bombs! Brunettes not fighter jets! [NY Times]
• RIP It's On With Alexa Chung, which I actually thought didn't seem so bad, although I only saw it once or twice. [Variety]
• Russell Crowe is an a "laughable weepie" of a movie this columnist calls a "mawkish blunder." [NY Post]
• "I'm not picky, quite honestly. It's simply that I recognize pretty quickly the stuff that I don't like. And I also recognize the impulse that is dragging me towards a piece of work. And perhaps as you get older, that impulse comes less often." — Daniel Day-Lewis sounds kind of picky about his acting roles. [Guardian]
• "I am not proud of being rich." — Ricky Gervais. [Page Six]
• "There's no question that the recession has had an effect on the arts, especially on British films. Things are not being greenlit as much and it is more difficult for people to get work. When you go abroad people always talk with such love about British theatre, but the irony is that it's not appreciated by the Government as it should be. The state of the arts has always been, and will always be, precarious. But there is something so alarming about the huge cuts made to companies, particularly when you read of the astronomical amounts some people are earning, like bankers… I am concerned that they've taken a lot of the subsidy to the arts away for the Olympics. It's been siphoned off." — Dame Judi Dench is is calling for arts funding to be fixed. [Times Of London]
• "The Internet is full of humorists. They've risen from the earth. They've fallen from the skies. Anyone can write anything, anytime they want. Blogs that are angry—which maybe half of them are—wear out. What people keep going back to are writers who are funny. That's a great thing." — Garrison Keillor. At the link, he reveals why he wears red shoes. [Time]
• "I'm doing well, you know, because I'm committed to it and they're lovely, lovely people, its been nice. Obviously when I heard that my girlfriend had preacher parents, I thought well this has got a huge scope for disaster, but it's actually been quite good so far. Its been really good actually, in retrospect its been one of my favorite years, [the highlight was] meeting Katy. She's amazing. I'm having a right laugh. She's a good person to spend time with and its changed me - it's made me stop doing stuff that I probably shouldn't have been doing." — Russell Brand. [Daily Mail]
• "I didn't get cast in Shakespeare, but [my teacher Mrs. Rodriguez] cast me later in Oliver… There are a lot of people in my life who are surprised that I am where I am, but Mrs. Rodriguez would not be. I wish more than anything that she truly knew how much I really loved her for the gift that she gave me." — America Ferrera "held back tears" as she spoke at a New York Women In Film lunch; her teacher died of cancer before America became a star. [Page Six]
• "WOW... THIS IS REALLY FLATTERING... I'VE HAD SOME UPS AND DOWNS THIS YEAR, WELL ACTUALLY THIS DECADE. JUST SEEING THIS COVER TAKES ME BACK TO THAT TIME OF MY LIFE. I REMEMBER HOW MUCH PAIN AND LOVE WENT INTO THIS ALBUM. NO ONE SAW IT COMING. THIS PROJECT WASN'T ABOUT ME, IT WAS ABOUT A TIME IN PEOPLES LIVES WHERE PEOPLE FORCE OPINIONS ON YOU AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES FOR YOURSELF. WE LOVED 50 CENT BUT WE WANTED TO BE THE YANG. WE WANTED TO WEAR PINK POLOS AND RAP ABOUT BEING HURT INSTEAD BEING INVINCIBLE. THERE WAS A CORE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS ALBUM EVERYDAY.... PLAIN PAT, JOHN MONOPOLY, DON CRAWLEY, ANTHONY KILHOFFER, MANNY MARROQUIN, JOHN LEGEND, DEVON HARRIS, RYHMEFEST, GEE ROBERSON, HIP HOP, AL BRANCH, DAMON DASH, GABE TESORIERO, CRAIG BAUER, GLC, OL' SCHOOL ICE GREE, CONSEQUENCE, B NICE AND MY MOM. I WAS MOST INSPIRED BY THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL AND I LISTENED TO THAT ALBUM EVERYDAY WHILE WORKING ON MY DEBUT. THANK YOU FOR THIS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND FOR PUTTING "THE BLUEPRINT" ON THE LIST ALSO. I LOVED "THE LOVE BELOW' AND "GET RICH OR DIE TRYING" ALSO. THEY BOTH EQUALLY DESERVED THE NUMBER ONE SPOT IN MY EYES BUT THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE NUMBER ONE!!!" — Your friend Kanye West is kind of excited about Entertainment Weekly naming his CD, The College Dropout, the top album of the decade. [KanyeUniverseCity]

Maybe. "They'll inject us with something that makes us do it. If you see us in a season three you'll know that we're probably under hypnosis," Clement said. Or maybe not. At the Television Critics Association Press Tour in July, HBO President Michael Lombardo said, "We've told them that we're ready to go for a third season," and that it will happen "at some point."

Sci-Fi Comedy 'Gentlemen Broncos' Kicks Off Fantastic Fest [Austin360 via ONTD]
Flight Of The Conchords Season 3 News [IGN]

[Sydney, Australia. March 27. Image via Getty.]

Here's a snippet:

Bret: [New York is] a good city if you want to struggle. It's easy to struggle in New York. I think New York is a bit expensive. It's too expensive to hang out unless you've got a TV show.

Any thoughts on the president's new stimulus package? What do you recommend for the U.S. economy?
Jemaine: Budgeting.
Bret: Yeah, the government should do a budget.

I believe we already have a budget.
Jemaine: It doesn't seem like it…Maybe the American government could get a second job.
Bret: A part-time job. Or maybe the government should get its own TV show.

Photo courtesy of The New York Times Magazine

• Uh oh! Super Olympian Michael Phelps has been caught on film smoking a bong. Phelps, 23, was reportedly visiting a University of South Carolina sorority girl and apparently "ended up just getting wasted every night."[Star]

• Phelps was "loud and obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. He was definitely the life of the party as every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He was eating it up, says a source, "If he was there to visit his girlfriend, there certainly was no sign of it that night. All the celebrity attention is making him really cocky, and he's going to end up getting burned because of it." What's this? A 23-year-old world famous millionaire athlete doing drugs and acting like an ass? I am shocked, I tell you! Shocked![Star]
• A source also claims that Phelps seemed like he'd had plenty of practice: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.” [News Of The World]
• Carmen Electra is the latest celebrity to come out in support of Jessica Simpson: "She's a gorgeous girl. A lot of women would die to look as good as she looks," Electra says, "There's going to be moments where people don't necessarily like your look or what you're wearing, and that's okay. Next week, she'll rock some outfit that will blow everyone away."[People]
• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson claims that her faith is helping her get through the negative press she's gotten due to her weight as of late: "Because of my faith, I believe that I can conquer the world and all its opinions and ideas and all of its judgments," Simpson says. [USMagazine]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Oscar chances just got a bit stronger: the film's director, Danny Boyle, won top honors at the Director's Guild of America awards last night. [NYTimes]
• Worried about the American AbFab adaptation? Kristen Johnston, who is set to play Patsy, swears the script is good: "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling," Johnston says. "I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show. We don’t smoke, we are hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette, we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works. It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest s—- ever." Ugh. I bet they don't even wear Lacroix, either. Lame. [EW]
• Sir Paul McCartney will headline Coachella this year, topping a bill that includes The Killers and The Cure. Says the Beatle: "I have heard that Coachella is one of the greatest festivals in the world. I'm really excited to get out there and rock!" [Reuters]
• Julia Roberts was once passed over by an agent who deemed the superstar "too trailer park" for films. Big mistake. Huge! [PageSix]
• Emma Watson says she's embarrassed about her status as a sex symbol: "I find this whole thing about being 18 and everyone expecting me to be this object... I find the whole concept of being 'sexy' embarrassing and confusing," Watson says, "Personally, I don't actually think it's even that sexy. What's sexy about saying, 'I'm here with my boobs out and a short skirt... have a look at everything I've got'? My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder."[ShowbizSpy]
• Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer over? A source says Mayer was seen on a date with another woman: "They were obviously on a date. He came in with her another time too and I've seen them out together. He gave her a long kiss before they left. John has been here six times in the last two weeks but never with Jen."[DailyExpress]
• Heads up, Flight of the Conchords fans: the boys are going on tour this Spring! No word yet on if they'll be playing "ahhh Central Park."[Reuters]
• Is Kate Moss considering an acting career? "She's always had dreams of acting. Kate's nervous but feels, with the right backing, she can make the transition from supermodel to Hollywood star," a source says, "[Director] Michael Figgis and Kate have been discussing possible projects and he is helping her work with the right people. Kate will combine her two careers. She won't give up modeling."[ShowbizSpy]
• Lisa Loeb, who once documented her search for love on a reality show, has gotten married: the singer married Roey Hershkovitz, a music supervisor for Late Night With Conan O'Brien, on Saturday. You can't hear it, but she said "I doooo." I guess he's going to stay, even though she only hears what she wants to. And that's my limit for Lisa Loeb song references on a Sunday morning. I guess I'll just go sit on the corner of my bed, and smoke with the ghosts in the back of my head. Ok, I'm really done now. [People]

Of course, the idea of randomly being offered sex with Jemaine on the streets of NYC is a dream come true for tons of girls (and Mel), but in FOTC reality, he could barely get work. In this clip, he sings about his sexual assets — his balls — which he refers to as his "sugar lumps." And for any of you Wire fans out there, did you notice that Nigel the Nigerian investor was Brother Mouzone (real name: Michael Potts)? He's not credited on IMDb for it, but his name did appear in the credits at the end of the episode.

Those of us who love the show often have a hard time picking a favorite character, though after reading Kristen Schaal's hilarious takedown of Esquire (which the magazine itself printed), my loyalties are now leaning towards crazy super fan Mel. Schaal, was snubbed by Esquire when they decided to run a "Women of Flight of the Conchords" photo shoot last October. The article included Rachel Blanchard and Sutton Foster, who played girlfriends of the Conchords in a few episodes, but Schaal, the main female character on the program, was left out completely. After pointing out the snub to Esquire, Schaal decided to write her own detailed description of exactly how her photo shoot would have gone, had the magazine given her the chance.

"Last time I checked," Schaal begins, "I own the only pair of recurring tits on that show. Maybe Esquire assumed I'm too professional to pose in my underwear and stare quizzically into the camera, but it is sorely mistaken. I will do that shit." She then goes on to break down the photo shoot into hilarious snippets such as this:

1:45 P.M. I have another idea. The camera is mounted on the ceiling, and I lounge in a kiddie pool filled with discontinued candies from the 1980s. A few well-placed Bonkers cover up my business.

2:09 P.M. The Bonkers aren't doing it for me. I want to cover up my snatch with a dodo bird. I'm informed they are extinct.

5:42 P.M. A dodo is cloned after DNA is obtained from the Museum of Natural History. The first dodo to walk the earth in 327 years is delivered to the shoot. Turns out I was mistaking dodos for griffins. I order it drowned.

7:33 P.M. I decide to have my boobs surgically switched. It'll basically look the same but register on a subconscious level.

Esquire, clearly a bit embarrassed about the situation, also ran an article titled: "Meet Kristen Schaal: The Funniest Woman On Television." Something tells me she won't be left out of the next photo shoot.

And to get you psyched up for tonight's premiere, here is an episode of Mel's Video Blog, wherein she details her creepy obsession with the Conchords in song:





Meet Kristen Schaal: The Funniest Woman On Television [Esquire]
My Esquire Photo Shoot, By Kristen Schaal [Esquire]
Women We Endorse: The Women Of Flight Of The Conchords [Esquire]

• "I was quoted saying I was a virgin, but I absolutely did not say that. That's nobody's business but my own," the Duffster tells Maxim in the most recent issue. Let's go to the wayback machine and see what she said to Elle: "It's harder having a boyfriend who's older because people just assume. But [virginity] is definitely something I like about myself. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about sex, because everyone I know has had it and you want to fit in. But when they talk about it, it doesn't sound special, like you would imagine it to be. It just seems like everybody has slept with each other – you know what I mean?" Oh yes, we know exactly what you mean, Hils: you wanted to appeal to tweens back then, and now you're trying to have a broader audience. It's loud and clear! [NYDN]
• Madonna is contradicting longtime publicist Liz Rosenberg, who on Monday announced that Guy Ritchie will get between $76-92 million as part of the couple's divorce settlement. Madonna and Guy released a joint statement saying that Rosenberg's declaration was "misleading and inaccurate." What's more, "We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest…The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children." Whilst! The plot thickens!! [Reuters]
• Not all of the gay community is excited about Sean Penn's portrayal of activist Harvey Milk in Milk. Advocate writer James Kirchick is pissed because Penn was palling around with notorious gay-rights abuser Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chávez as well as Raul Castro. Human Rights Foundation President Thor Halvorssen tells The Advocate, "That Sean Penn would be honored by anyone, let alone the gay community, for having stood by a dictator who put gays into concentration camps is mind-boggling."[Page Six]
• Earlier this year, Clay Aiken's bff, music producer Jaymes Foster, had a baby after being artificially inseminated with Clay's lil' dudes. Word is that they were both so thrilled with the results that Foster is going to go through another round of IVF in the hopes of having another Claybie. [Perez]
• Blind Item! "Which still-sexy actress, who has a daughter now getting ingenue roles, is facing reality? She finally had her first face-lift last week." We are guessing her name rhymes with Moosan Morandan. [Page Six]
• Does Anthony Kiedis have kidney trouble? The former heroin addict allegedly was sick enough to discuss going on a transplant list for a new kidney, but has since been on the mend.[Sun]
• Fergie (the Duchess, not the Pea) had her laptop stolen, along with intimate digital photos of her family. In addition! Poor Princess Beatrice's Norfolk Terrier, Max ran off during a walk last week in Windsor Great Park , and she's apparently "desperately upset." London Jezebels get on the case! [Daily Mail]
• "We discussed—for about a second—the idea of Tom’s having a German accent. I remember that conversation very clearly. I was in the sitting room of his house, and I basically just said, 'I don’t want to do that. You don’t want to be listening to that.'" —Valkyrie director Bryan Singer on Tom Cruise's performance. [GQ]
• Wowza: the iconic Bert Stern photos of Marilyn Monroe, taken in 1962 right before her death, sold at Christie's for $146,500. [AP]
• Singer Duffy will be the new face of Diet Coke. Says the Sun, "They want to move away from typical Diet Coke ads with stick-thin models and chiselled hunks." Does that sound sort of like a backhanded compliment? [Sun]
• Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford is still nursing her 2-year-old son Hermés. "It's an amazing bond with your child," she says, before adding, "I was thinner after my pregnancy than before, and I think a lot of it was the nursing." [Page Six]
• Will Actor's Guild negotiations tear Hollywood apart? Page Six is reporting that negotiations were tense on Monday night, with Jack Nicholson, Meryl Streep and Warren Beatty in favor of a strike, and Alec Baldwin, Tom Hanks, George Clooney, Charlize Theron, Helen Mirren and Kevin Spacey against it. [Page Six]
• Harrison Ford has signed on to play a morning show personality in the film Morning Glory, and our beloved Rachel McAdams is in talks to costar. According to the Hollywood Reporter, "Aline Brosh McKenna ("The Devil Wears Prada") wrote the script about a grizzled old-school anchor in the Ted Koppel mold (Ford) who quits in disgust with the gossip-heavy direction of the evening newscast. He is then recruited by a hot up-and-coming producer (McAdams) to help revive a morning talk show, only to be paired with his rival." [HR]
• "She was drunk! I don’t know if she was drunk when they actually got married, but the night before she was. She just needed that little push — the Patron push.”— Lo Bosworth on the Speidi nuptials. [People ]
• Oprah's taking her production company from ABC to HBO in order to start making more feature films, documentaries and TV series. [AP]
• Is Lisa Rinna going to pose for Playboy? Sources say: probs.The daytime diva has also been pitching a reality show to cable networks with husband Harry Hamlin tentatively called I Love Lisa. [Extra, MSNBC]
• Macaulay, Keiran and Rory Culkin have all taken time off their acting projects to mourn the sudden death of their sister, Dakota. As noted last week, Dakota was hit by a car in Los Angeles while crossing the street. "They're heartbroken. That I can tell you. They're just absolutely heartbroken," says the Culkin boys' manager. [UPI]
• Diddy hosted a birthday party for his ex and baby mama Kim Porter at Murano restaurant in West Hollywood. "The evening's specialty drink, the K.P. Martini, featured a Ciroc vodka lemon drop with a brown-sugar rim," E! reports. Oooh fancy. [E! Online]
• The Brangelina clan is parking in France for the time being. "I've been dragging them all from continent to continent lately, so we're going to have to give them a break soon. For the long term, right now, we're choosing France. It's good living there, a really nice way of life. It's a place where the kids can run free and not be hassled – we have a good relationship with the locals, and it's a good base for the family," Brad says. [Perez]
• Click here for an online preview of Flight of the Conchords season two premiere! Squee! [Funny or Die]
• If you have a crush on any member of Coldplay check out these behind the scenes shots of Chris Martin and the crew. [Rolling Stone]

• Posh adorns the January 2009 cover of Harper's Bazaar, and inside she talks about high heels, her trademark smirk/smile, wearing tracksuits around the house, and her relationship with the ever-present paparazzi. “I don’t complain about paparazzi because I’ve put myself in that position, and so has David. But I always say to the boys, someone is going to take your picture because you’re handsome or you’re smart or because you’re so good at soccer. But every now and again, Romeo might pick up one of David’s cameras and say, ‘Victoria, Victoria, over here!’ And his attitude is sort of angry… I tell you, the paparazzi would not be sitting outside if they realized I was the most boring person in Hollywood." [Just Jared]
• The $26,000 a month Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died has been taken off the market temporarily, as some have been speculating it was too "ghoulish" to sell. [TMZ]

• Unlike Posh, Johnny Depp is not okay with the paparazzi. "I never wanted to be the guy people looked at. I don't think of myself as being a celebrity, it's too mortifying," the Depp says. [People]
• The Jolie-Pitts just had a mechanical bull delivered to their house in L.A. That is all. [TMZ]
• Do you love Jemaine and Britt? Well you're in luck, because here's the trailer for the second season of Flight of the Conchords which airs in January. [Stuff.Co.Nz]
• Longtime buddy Gabrielle Union says Beyoncé's more Southern belle than booty shakin' Sasha Fierce deep down. "Beyoncé is quiet and reserved, very Southern, sweet and polite. If someone told me that girl was gonna go on stage and do the kind of performances that she does, and be so fiery, and this quintessential and iconic entertainer, I'd be [in disbelief], like, 'Yeah, okay!" [People]
• The L Word is offing its most annoying character, two-timing writer girl Jenny, played by Mia Kirshner, during its 6th season premiere. "The episode, which airs January 18, begins with a splash as Jenny's body is discovered in a swimming pool. Accident, or murder - and whodunit? Viewers will have to wait for those answers." [AP]
• Rumors abound that professional jackass Steve- will be on Dancing with the Stars next season. He's even more bonkers than Cloris Leachman! [TMZ]
• Katy Perry believes she was "snubbed" because she did not get nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy. Katy Perry also believes that she has "talent." [Perez]
• All My Sons, the Broadway play co-starring Katie Holmes, is closing later this month. But don't blame Mrs. Cruise: all of Broadway is floundering in this recession. [Jossip]
• Britney flipped the light switch on the Christmas tree at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles while flanked by L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and Adam Carolla. That's some eclectic company! [People]
• An Arizona judge has issued a warrant for DMX's arrest. The rapper was supposed to appear in court today, but his reps say that he is in rehab at an undisclosed location. He's facing drug, identity theft and animal cruelty charges in the Phoenix area. [TMZ]

• A month after being diagnosed with breast cancer, Christina Applegate is now cancer-free. "I'm clear," she told Robin Roberts of Good Morning America earlier today. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread — they got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." She went on to say: "My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy." Apparently she had the surgery about three weeks ago. She'll have reconstructive surgery in the coming months. Be well! [ABC News]
• Madonna made a 40-minute speech on her birthday and admitted that she was "disappointed" that some of her celebrity BFFs, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney, didn't come to her party. But! Lourdes sang for her, and Guy told her she's beautiful. Is it enough for the woman who wants it all? (Do you think Madge gets depressed?) [MSNBC]
• Apparently Jennifer Aniston is not impressed that John "The Player" Mayer made that speech about her being the smartest most sophisticated person ever. A friend of Jen's says: "He is the biggest jerk ever. How dare he set up a p.r. stunt like that? He should be ashamed of himself and just shut his mouth." [Page Six]

• Now that she's broken up with Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson has been calling old flame Owen Wilson! "He was frosty at first," says an insider. "He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her." Déjà vu all over again. [Star]
• Three words: Beckham The Musical! [People]
• Shirtless pictures of Rafael Nadal. [ONTD via NY Mag]
• Jemaine Clement of Flight Of The Conchords got married! The lucky lady is his long-time girlfriend, Miranda Manasiadis; the ceremony took place in a Los Angeles registry office and costar Bret McKenzie was in attendance. Time to listen to that song Jemaine and Bret wrote for us. [Stuff.co.nz]
• Joshua Radin, the dude who sang at Ellen and Portia's wedding, says: "I cannot imagine topping that experience. I've never played a wedding before, and I probably won't again until it's my own.” Oh and what's this? Pictures in People on newsstands on Friday? Online today? Noted! [People]
• Post-Madonna and estranged wife Cynthia, Alex Rodriguez has been seeing women in Miami's South Beach as well as New York. Don't hate the player, hate the game. [Page Six]
• Britney's custody dispute has been resolved, but it certainly cost her: She owes lawyers over $700,000. [AP]
• Both Donnie Wahlberg and his wife filed for divorce from each other on the same day, within hours. The feeling is mutual. [TMZ]
• Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild will be tried on federal charges in L.A. in September. Did he deduct $20 million in fraudulent expenses on corporate tax returns? He says his accountant set him up, but he also brought "contraband" (sleeping pills, prescription drugs and $700 in cash) into jail and is being sued by GGW ladies. [NY Times]
• Sadie Frost went over to Amy Winehouse's and "left in the early hours in tatters, wearing the singer’s ballerina pumps and showing off her bra strap through an unbuttoned dress." Also? Intoxicated. Obvs. [The Sun]
• Lily Allen's been airing her business on her MySpace: "Now, the album. It has been finished for a while now. I don't really know what's going on with it… I might go on another holiday as I don't have anything else to do." [Mirror]
• Lily Allen smacked a French woman in the street after the passerby called her a "fucking asshole." Amy and Lily need to get in the studio and off of the streets! [The Sun]
• Leonardo DiCaprio: "The worst dancer ever." [Page Six]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt want to have a "clan" like Brad and Angelina: adopted and biological kids. "We'd be so lucky to have a clan like that," says Heidi. She also says: "I used to want to be a missionary… Go to the U.N. for World Hunger and really, you know, not just go there for a safari, but go there to actually help." Lord help us all. [Yahoo News]
• Heidi and Spencer will get married: Heidi is just "waiting for that big ring." Also, she wants the wedding to air live on TV. She says she won't leave the show, because, "Where would I go?" How about "away"? [Pop Sugar]
• Oh, and by the way, Heidi and Spencer would love to take over The Hills. "I think that maybe Lauren is tired of [being on the show], but we’re just beginning," Heidi says. "We’re not even remotely sick of it." [People]
• Lauren Conrad on The Hills: "The show is definitely reaching its end. It's been so amazing and I've loved most of it, but I think there is going to come a time where I need to live my life for myself and not in front of viewers. I'm young and having fun with it now, but it's not something I am going to be able to do forever, obviously." [ET]
• In news older than your grandma, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are being blamed for the popularity of small dogs. [Mirror]
• Tori Spelling's bad boob job will make your chest hurt. [Awful Plastic Surgery]
• Uma Thurman is on the cover of the new In Style and says she would maybe have more kids: "If it's meant to happen, it will. I love and adore being a mother." [People]
• Buckle your seatbelts: Peaches Geldof is moving to the U.S. [Mirror]
• Kelly Osbourne says of Peaches: "It’s a bit sad, to be honest. It’s a great big cry for help and people need to stop talking about her and, you know, maybe all she needs is a hug." [Daily Express]
• New couple alert: Bow Wow and Reverend Run's daughter Vanessa. [Page Six]
• Rhys Ifans and Kimberly Stewart wore leather ensembles on a date to famous sushi restaurant Nobu. [The Sun]
• Paris Hilton's boobs: Plastic or push-up bra? [Page Six]
• New Beyoncé album coming November 18. Title: Virtuoso Intellect. [The.Life Files]
• Critics will not be getting advance screeners of the new 90210, which could mean that it sucks. Stay tuned; the show premieres 9/02. [Perez Hilton]
• Brad Pitt is teaming up with Kiehl's but you won't be able to tell. [ET]
• As previously reported, Roseanne has written a post to Jon Voight on her Web site, and it reads thusly: "Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more… Miss Jolie says she likes [John] McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan? It might be good for your Asian and African children's self-esteem to know you support [Barack Obama, a man of color] for the leader of the free world." [Us Magazine]