Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

We started with the chocolate vagina kit, since it seemed a lot less complicated, seeing as how I didn't need to be aroused or anything. We had to mix this powder with lukewarm water, then pour it into this scoop thingy, and then press it up against my crotch, all in a span of two minutes, otherwise the stuff would've hardened and been useless.

I pressed it up against me and all of a sudden the excess mixture started pouring out the sides, running down my legs and getting all over the floor. It was all thick and creamy and it seriously looked like I had some kind of VD, or someone had just shot a lump load all over me.

Sorry for sharing that. Anyways, I started screaming because that shit was getting all over my floor (which I just mopped), so my boner donor ran and got a towel. And then we just started laughing maniacally. There I was, standing in my robe, a bra, and slippers with one hand on a dripping crotch and the other holding a glass of wine. I totally looked like Nelson Muntz's mom.

I had to hold the shovel up to my crotch for four minutes. After enough time had elapsed, I pulled it off (luckily, it didn't stick to my hair), and did not like what I saw. I don't mean to get all precious about my pussy or whatever, but this is not an accurate impression of it.

I guess there was a giant air pocket, so we peeled a dry piece of mixture up off the floor and stuffed it in there. We put the vagina mold in the freezer, per the directions, and then got to work on the chocolate dick kit.

Okay, I'm here's the thing about that: If you want a sexy, fun time, don't do this. It's really weird and mechanical and there's sooooooo much start and stop. For instance, first we had to cut the provided dick tube down to the size of his erection, so I had to blow him for a little bit so that we could figure out how long to make the tube, and then left him hanging there as I was hacking the tube down with scissors.

Then I had to combine the molding powder with water, using a thermometer to make sure it was 98º. I had two minutes to mix the stuff, pour it in the tube, get him hard again, and then shove his peen in there, all before the mixture hardened. It was really stressful, and also, impossible. We couldn't do it on our first try. First of all, my dog began humping my donor's leg, and she just wouldn't let go. And by the time I mixed the stuff and blew him, the mixture had hardened in the tube and he couldn't get his dick in there. So we had to start all over again.

This time, we were practically pros — a well-oiled machine of genital casters. He mixed the stuff and poured it in the tube, while I blew him until he was at full mast. Then he stuck it in the tube, and we waited for two minutes until it had set. (When we pulled it off his dick, it totally queefed!) We placed it in the fridge and then went to work on the dick candle kit.

At this point, we felt like we were sweatshop workers in a sex toy factory. We did the mixture/blow job routine again, and he jammed his dick in the tube. Except this time, we had issues of a different kind. His dick is curved, so it was hitting the side of the tube, so we turned it, as per the directions, so that all sides would be covered, but then a bunch of the stuff poured out, and there wasn't enough left in the tube to give him full coverage.

I was like, "Oh, well we can still do it, it'll just be a shorter candle."

"No way!" he said. "Tracie, I ain't goin' out like that." He insisted we start over, since he wanted it to be longest candle it could possibly be. At this point, with all the thermometers, measuring cups, bowls, powder and whatevs, my bedroom was starting to look like a meth lab.

We decided to take a break. All the stopping and starting of making out and oral sex and fingering that had been going on had proven to be really frustrating but also kind of an exciting form of foreplay, since we were repeatedly forced to put the breaks on. By the time we sat down on the bed together, we just started going at it, and after a few minutes, I was like, "Why don't we forget about the candle for now and you just fuck me." So he did. Twice.

In the morning, I melted the chocolate to put in the molds. They were expired or something and were all white. They look like Junior Mints but they're not.

I poured the melted chocolate into the molds and let them set for 5 minutes. My vulva came out looking like a diseased turd.

I'd like to take the time to reiterate that it DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. Got it?

And here's the cocklate:

I told you he was curved!

So here's the story: I met a dude who was visiting from Ireland at a bar. We went back to the place he was staying, and pretty much started having sex right away. I was on top of him — my back to his face — for a few minutes, rubbing myself with my fingers when I started to orgasm. I started to contract really hard and then all of a sudden, I felt all this fluid rushing out of me. It were as though his dick were a pin and popped a water balloon resting on the front wall of my vagina. At first I was gripped with fear, and thought I'd ruptured some sort of cyst. But there was no pain at all.

Then I could hear the guy behind me start laughing through his moans, adding, "Alright! I didn't know you were one of those." Obviously, neither had I.

In the years since, squirting (sometimes called gushing) has become a part of my sex life, although there is no predictability to it. I can't squirt on command, although there are better chances of it happening if some kind of penetration is going on. Sometimes the stuff squirts out in a split stream, sometimes it gushes wildly, sometimes it just falls out, and one time, when a dude was finger-banging me, it shot up in the air, and arched. The amount of fluid expelled also varies widely. Sometimes it's about a tablespoon or two, sometimes it can be up to a cup or two. It's actually a pain in the ass because it's just a big mess.

As for the fluid, it's not really piss. Here's an explanation from Wikipedia:

While current information offers no solid information about the source of the fluid, chemical analysis performed on the fluid has revealed that while it sometimes contains at least traces of urine, it regularly contains chemical markers unique to the prostate (whether male or female).

So where is this stuff coming from then? No one knows for certain, but the likely answer is the Skene's gland, which is located on the upper wall of the vagina, around the lower end of the urethra, and is said to also be the biological mechanism behind G-spot orgasms. It drains near the urethral opening. Check it out:

The first time I saw that diagram I was like, "Ahhh! More holes!?"

The Skene's gland thing would explain why penetration is needed for me to squirt: According to a study at the University of Italy, Skene's glands have "a highly variable anatomy, and in some extreme cases they appear to be missing entirely. If Skene's glands are the cause of female ejaculation and G-spot-orgasms, this may explain the observed absence of these phenomena in many women."

This, of course, would explain why some women believe female ejaculation is real (it is) and why no one should feel less sexually accomplished if it's never happened to them (it isn't something everyone can do). I'm still not entirely sure why it even happened to me; the best I can come up with is that as I grow older and more experienced, I'm just getting better at getting off. I definitely have way better orgasms now at 28 than I did at 18. It's just that now I have to have a towel on hand.

"Great Fountain Geyser" photo by Bookworm 1225 via Flickr

Lately, more than ever, there seems to have been a resurgence of second wave-y anti-porn sentiment in feminism — and even on Jezebel — which to me, is weird for many reasons, perhaps most notably because mainstream people seem to be embracing the idea of pornography more than ever. I mean, the pages of O magazine even recommend a sex-positive attitude about porn, for crying out loud. Tristan agreed that it's growing trend, citing Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs as an example.

"Porn has always been, and continues to be a huge issue for women. I don't know if the debate will ever be over," Tristan said, "But it's hard to hear from other feminists. They haven't seen my porn, they haven't seen Candida Royalle or Belladonna. So they don't see that porn is not one monolithic thing that's all bad."

When asked how she deals with that, she said that she believes everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that they should watch her movies before expressing it to her. "Porn is complicated. [The perception of it by the public] has been over simplified. Porn is as cerebral as it is visceral."

And that makes sense, considering many of her movies are educational. Her Expert Guides series (for anal, cunnilingus and fellatio) sort of break the porno mold: She's into organic and authentic climaxes. ("I would rather the actors share a part of their sexuality, than have me tell them what to do.") And in the Guide to Cunnilingus, there aren't any penis penetration shots, which, she said, Vivid initially told her wouldn't work, because "if there's no cock, there's no scene."

But changing the way things are done is all part of Tristan's master plan. "Everything I do is deliberate—very deliberate."

[Image by Jeff Koga for Fleshbot]

Earlier: Fear And Clothing In Las Vegas
Last Night I Boned An AVN Award Nominee
You Never Forget Your First Time: My Day At The Adult Entertainment Expo
Related: 2008 AVN Awards: Dispatches From The Front
(Lots And Lots More) AVN 2008 Red Carpet Photos: Still Gagging On The Glamour

Earlier: Jezebel Crashes The Tyra Show's Vaginas Episode

But really, the nastier, and uninhibited the better. Sometimes performing a specific act — like say, getting tit fucked — is satisfying, not because it necessarily feels better than other stuff, but because it's so dirty that it's a turn on. Of course, if you're not into that sort of thing, then that's totally cool. Just don't fuck dudes who are. Frankly, if you're having sex in a manner that makes you uncomfortable, you're either a retard or a rape victim.

Sex is such a mental thing for women, that porno can really help one determine the parameters of what's vanilla, so that you can step the fuck out of the box and be adventurous. Porn has definitely not only given me new ideas, but also the confidence to try out the lewd ones I'd already dreamed up during Magic Wand sessions.

And it's not just men and sicko perverts like me who make use of the vast world of carnal knowledge that the adult entertainment industry has to offer. Have you picked up an issue of O magazine lately? Oprah has her sex columnist (and Sex And The City writer) Cindy Chupack and other writers discuss porno and make dirty movie recommendations practically on the regular.

You know, it's not like porn taught me how to have sex. But it did teach me to have better sex than I'd been having, if only because it opened up my world to all the smutty, nasty shit I love so much. So I just want to say, thanks, porno. If it weren't for you, then dudes probably wouldn't know that it's totally cool for them to ask me to sit on their faces while they do what needs to get done.

Earlier: How About You Don't Ask To Come On My Face On The First Date?
Related: Study: Young adults now find porn more acceptable [USA Today]

Get in the doggie-style position—you on your knees and your guy kneeling behind you.

Here's the first page. Shape up for Nude Bathing! Nude bathing...it's like sexy sex! And like, scroll down REAL QUICKLY if you're at work.

"You have to say, it 'Eh-lin,'" she said. "All your 'r's have to be 'l's and vice-versa. Or if that gets confusing just don't pronounce your 'r's at all."
"Uh, okay."
"And when you talk to him about his 'cock', don't pronounce the 'ck'. Say it like 'co-'," she cut off the word as if she was coughing. "You want his 'BEEG G.I. Joe co... beeg Amelican co..."
"Are you fucking kidding?"
"Yeah, seriously, I just memorized the whole bit from Full Metal Jacket," she said. "Me so hoooooe-ny!"

It was pretty absurd, to learn how to talk "Asian" from a first-generation Asian immigrant who learned from a seventeen year-old rap song's sampling of a twenty-year-old movie. But I'm sure it was a lot better, in working some lonely dude through his throbbing boner, to draw from an iconic movie scene, as opposed to the ingrained memory of the Asian accented voice of, say, her mom. It was also a lot more fun to use. Unfortunately, my calls usually came through the "Beautiful Black Woman" and " Teen Tits" lines. Oh, well.

I think it's within the capacity of most humans to understand that common media representations often don't depict reality. But people, when they are exposing themselves to media images, aren't necessarily looking for reality, and that ratio goes down almost to nil when you're talking about fetishes and porn.

(And to that end you should watch this video I consider to be pretty funny, namely because I saw it after I had seen the series of "Daddy's Worst Nightmare" videos upon which it was based, which is like performance art, but anyway.

I appreciated everyone's frank discussion of "Asian fetishes" and the weird rationale guys use with their friends for having them. (See: Asian vaginas don't smell.) In the process I admitted, in what I hope you took as a mostly self-deprecating tone, that Asian women by and large have good skin and are less likely to be fat. And you know what? Some of you went apeshit. To the point that I thought about Googling statistics on our respective rates of skin cancer and obesity, just to prove I was, you know, just sayin.'

But seriously? Who the fuck chooses a girlfriend on the basis of his or her ethnicity's relative rate of skin cancer? (Of course, there are studies that suggest people are attracted to mates whose immune systems will complement their own; whatevs.) The point is, that today's "Asian fetishists" will be tomorrow's "dudes who feel really fucking stupid and racist for assuming that a Korean girlfriend would be a cheap drunk" or "dudes whose Puerto Rican girlfriends make fun of those Chinese painting supplies they bought that one time they thought it would impress that girl who was actually just seriously annoyed," or whatever. Over time, the acknowledgement of ethnic stereotypes — and the engagement and undermining and satirizing of those stereotypes — can lead to a stronger understanding of the sometimes ultimately superficial cultural differences that prevent us from enjoying deeper human relationships with people of all colors, creeds, etc.

Ha ha ha, I said "deeper."

I asked a close friend. "To completion?" she wanted to know. That's what everyone wanted to know. This particular individual did not remember finishing a hand job since a Sonic Youth set during Lollapolooza 1994, or even starting one in any serious way in the past five years. Another friend, a blogger, answered "early college" and another blogger-friend said "two years ago, in a car. Or maybe four years ago. Yeah, more like four." A guy friend dated his last completion hand job to 2003 — an experience during which the semen actually landed in his mouth! — and another girl blogger friend said, "Oh god, I am SO BAD at this."

The glaring exception was a Jezebel who gives them all the time and doesn't think it's cheating because it's so "clinical." Which, I guess, is why they are most likely to be given in "clinics"?

Oh wait, I sort of misread, obviously a huge part of the gap is due to the fact that oral sex is often not reciprocated. And yeah, lesbians are better at giving head to girls than dudes. But the fact that dudes get off girls only 39% of the time they go down on them is kind of sad. What are they doing wrong? Tell us here!

Bedroom Inequalty [Stanford Daily]

Because, I have to confess, I am an ass-virgin. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship with someone experienced in the art of anal pleasure (at least, I'm reliably told it can be pleasurable) and the one guy I dated who expressed an particular interest tried the timeworn tactic of telling me that I'd like it "once I got used to it" and then insulted me to try to change my mind. My response to that was that if I could have pleasurable sex or painful/uncomfortable sex until I got "used to it," I was pretty well going to opt for "pleasurable" every time, thanks. He thought I was selfish, I thought he was an ass-obsessed pig, and things didn't work out.

But, anyway, so when I told a couple of close girl friends about my ass-virginity over a few bottles of wine a few weeks ago, both expressed shock and amazement that I (of all people) had never done it, and proceeded to tell me how much they liked it under certain circumstances... and then they both clammed the fuck up. I didn't learn anything from either of them that I didn't already know despite the booze. So, I surveyed my gay friends, who are much more talkative and less circumspect about the finer points of ass-fucking, as well as hilarious pseudonym-choosers.

"Chad Dandylion" told me that "the rules are the same [as for vaginal intercourse] — it needs proper preparation, and if it's your first few times, a very gentle touch." Below, "Chad's" 10, uh, tips for the uninitiated:

• 1) Make sure you don't have diarrhea or anything else that makes you shit a lot and leaves the anus inflamed
• 2) Don't eat roughage at least 24 hours beforehand
• 3) Give yourself an enema with lukewarm water
• 4) MAKE HIM EAT OUT YOUR ASS FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. This relaxes the ring of muscle, acclimates you to the sensation of having something probing your hole, and also happens to feel really really really good
• 5) Use lube, not spit. make sure the lube is latex-safe
• 6) If it's your first time, make him go slow, make him be gentle. if you get startled, you can clench, which hurts at first, or if he's rough he could accidentally do some damage
• 7) When he pushes inside, push back like you're taking a shit — this opens up the anus and makes the initial penetration easier
• 8) if you're not being a total whore and taking it doggy-style, sitting on him is easiest, because then you can control the speed at which you get opened up
• 9) You control the pace, unless you're a submissive bitch and then you let him pound you till your eyes roll back
• 10) Be vocal, give him hints as to what feels good and what doesn't. If you like him teasing your hole by pulling out to the head then pushing back in all the way, tell him that. If you like him mostly in and skooching it around, tell him that. Remember: as the bottom you are, ultimately, in control. Unless you don't want to be.

Since some of that didn't sound so terrible (except for maybe the enema thing, and the eyes-rolling-back thing), I figured I would ask another gay friend of mine for his advice because the more the better, right? "Chance" told me that his only real advice was not to let a Marine fuck me up the ass, because some "straight" jarhead came over and fucked him with so little grace and lube that he ended up having to get the inside of his asshole stitched back together at the hospital the next morning and then learned what a panty liner was.

I think I'm going to stop asking now. Well, except for this little poll.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Pillhead may have been too big a pussy to take Alli, but her much-envied Adderall-addled brain has noticed a growing trend in pop culture: big vaginas are the new small penises.

Even a 747 would look small if it was landing in the Grand Canyon.

Tom Arnold's zinger has echoed in my head like the roar of a jet engine in the Grand Canyon ever since. Back then, Arnold's insult was kind of shocking, especially since the idea of relative vagina size had never even occurred to me. It was the kind of thing that made me wonder: "Is this what guys talk about while we're talking about their dicks? And how on earth are we to know where we stand? I mean, we can't measure!!"

Lately though, the Big Vagina thing has become a bona fide trend. I'm not talking about crazy ladies who think vaginal surgery is all that's standing between themselves and happiness (Slut Machine bravely covered that trend gonzo-style) I'm talking about pop culture's recent willingness to go there more and more and, er, deeper and deeper. Witness this clip from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry's agent Jeff defends himself against a small-penis insult with a Big Vagina accusation (complete with its own hand gesture!).

And in August, I watched the Comedy Central Roast of Flava Flav with (admittedly several kinds of) sociological curiosity. If my figures are correct, not a single female participant escaped the Big Vagina insult, while the small penis comments were, well, impossible to find without a magnifying glass. (Sample: Greg Giraldo to Brigitte Nielsen: "Your pussy's so big Sylvester Stallone left his career in there.")

But, being both curious about the physical possibilities of the big vagina and whether anyone had ever gotten tagged with the insult herself, I asked a bunch of people. Only two people would cop to any knowledge of the subject, but both were enlightening in completely different ways.

Dude, Now 31:

I was a Peer Counselor at Planned Parenthood when I was 15, and I had to show folks how to insert a diaphragm (I used a translucent plastic vagina). But first I busted out the box that had all the sizes. And, from what I can remember, the sizes ranged from something in between a quarter and a half-dollar to a diaphragm roughly the size of a CD.

One guy I dated tried to convince me to let him fuck me up the ass by claiming my vadge was too loose for him to get off. I told him that was his problem, since it was plenty tight enough for me to get off.

Or have we just finally run out of dick jokes?

We put the Shenises in our pants and pretended to be male porn stars.

This shot sorta sums up our afternoon filming: Shenis, alcohol, makeup.

Earlier: Sampling The Shenis, Or How Women Can Pee On Two Feet

Earlier: What Do Gay Men Think Of "Vulva", The Ladyparts Perfume?
Related: We Hear [NY Post]

A facialist recently marveled to me: "Your lines are worse than mine and I am 40 years old!" Which forced me to point out: "I'm not CHINESE." So Asians have better skin. Do they have to rub it in our faces? Segue alert! Enter Lo & Dough, Jezebel's resident beauty product geeks.In the first installment of their column, they tackled the six most common ways people fuck up their lipstick. Recently they told me about an ancient Chinese beauty secret: the semen facial. Since I'm personally going through a reeeeal dry patch (ha!) they both agreed to become whores in the name of pores, Jizzybelles, etc. etc. And in the name of the scientific method, they both found sperm donors named Matt! But how did Creme Le Peen work out for their skin? Find out!

"White Tigresses engage in two primary oral practices to revitalize their yin and yang energies. In the first, Congealing the Dragon's Jade, she makes use of male semen to restore her skin and hair."

Cosmopolitan head honcho Helen Gurley Brown once famously advised women to "Spread semen over your face, [it's] probably full of protein as sperm can eventually become babies. Makes a fine mask—and he'll be pleased." Damn, Helen, did that dick make you slap somebody, too? Because we actually tried out your crazy-ass beauty tip this weekend, against all better judgment, and are now here to report back on the Nasty Truth of semen facials. It all started with a few innocent emails:

BDJ: Dude, my skin has been pissing me off sooo bad lately. While I'm the last person in the world to buy into a load of hype, I'm this close to splurging on Creme De La Mer. You should talk me out of it, whether you know anything about La Mer or not. I don't want to pay that much money for something that calls itself a 'miracle broth', and yet I'm so drawn to the promise of amazing skin....

Lo: Heh, heh... "miracle broth." That sounds like that gross thing we were talking about yesterday. I'll give you ten bucks if you rub sperm into your face and blog about it. I'd totally do it but I'm single.

BDJ: Isn't sperm actually supposed to be good for the skin? I think I read that somewhere... But, knowing my crap memory, it was probably College Humor or some shit. I'll totally do it if you do something else gross and blog about it. There was a rumor when I was in school that if you swabbed your morning pee all over your face (like a toner) it would clear up your skin. I suspect that girls I knew believed it, considering that all of the popular girls at my school kinda smelled like pee. Or it could've been Gap 'Dream'. I dunno.

Lo: Ohhh man. There's this uh, sort of monastic taoist order of sexual nuns in china called the white tigress society. Their whole M.O. is to harvest as much sperm as they can, rub it all over themselves, and apparently not age. I guess it works for them. The part I think is funniest is that they have to go out and "harvest" it. I think we should totally do this. I'll go out and harvest if worse comes to worse. I'm not using pee as a toner though. That's just foul.

BDJ: I just looked it up in google questions (who knew?) and it says that ejaculate contains urea also, so you may be getting the bonus effects of pee, whatever that is. It's like those cleansers, that are ALSO toners! The google also said ejaculate was basically warm sugar water with a little salt, vitamin c, and zinc. You must go forth and harvest.

Lo: How are you going to harvest it? Like in a cup, or in your hand, or fresh-squeezed from the condom, or what? We might have to wait awhile for me to get some. Hopefully I can pull it off within the week. Also, are we applying this like a beauty masque? Haaaahahahaha.

BDJ: Maybe a cup. Def not a condom, those things are full of nasty chemicals. Just let me know when you can get some. The fresher the better, I'm guessing. Since it hardens and flakes. I'm grossing myself out now. Um, I guess like a masque. I give it 10 minutes tops before I get skeeved and go wash it off.

Lo: Yeah, I just had the thought that my ex would probably be willing to donate. I'll buy him a perfect 10 and send him to the bathroom with a coffee mug.

7:35 Lo: I'm getting sperm tonight! Can you?
9:08 Dough: of course
10:58 Lo: Smells bad, burns, thank god I'm wasted.
11:01 Dough: Burns? Shit! Um, he's been drinking, eh. Prolly not good 4 yr skin.
11:02 Lo: Mine too! Plus I had to blow him for science, oops!
11:04: Dough: "For science' sure...
11:06 Dough: My test subject is reluctant.
11:07 Lo: Matt says "Bullshit I did it!"
11:09 Dough: We are both harvesting Matt jizz
11:10 Lo: Do it!!!
11:11 Dough: I'm doing
11:25 Dough: Omg. So gross. It stanks.
11:26 Dough: No burn, just tingles
11:31 Lo: I'm really smooth!
11:39 Dough: I'm bright red. It burns now & I look like a glazed donut.
12:00 Lo: It's like any other mask. I hate masks. Matt and I are still
trying to drink away the humiliation...
12:02 Dough: Just think how much we'll have 2 drink once this goes to post!

The semen facial burned the fuck out of our faces, and our skin stayed red and irritated well into the next day. The more we researched into the skin nourishing properties of semen, the further we were convinced there were none.

Helen was right about one thing, semen does contain protein, and as the water in the spunk evaporates the protein is left behind. This does tighten the skin, but only in a ghetto, Queen Helene Peel-off Masque kind of way. Which means the tightening effect is gone once the product is removed. Also, if you consider that semen contains sorbitol (body alcohol), sodium, citric acid, uric acid, and chlorine, the tightening effect that a load to the face provides can
be chalked up to drying of the skin. Yes- DRYING. As in, sucks moisture out of. As in, makes you look older. As in, not a moisturizer!

And yes, semen does contain a few trace vitamins and minerals form the body, but the amount is negligible, and there's not proof that those minerals can be absorbed into the skin from the seminal plasma. You'd get better facial nourishment without the Port-A-Potty smell if you were to use a vitamin-enriched moisturizer you could get from a drugstore. Semen also contains Urea and Uric acid, so if golden showers aren't your thing, semen "facials" shouldn't be either. There's probably more piss in jizz then there is magical skin-saving properties. Swallowing spunk isn't necessarily good for you either. If you're so concerned with vitamins and antioxidants, you'd be better off taking a multivitamin like a sane person. I'm sure some fools are gonna come out of the woodwork claiming that sperm is good for women's bodies, but the fact is that there is no scientific proof to back this up, leading us to believe that this is just a lame frat-boy urban legend perpetuated to degrade ladies and fuck up their complexion at the same time.

Meet Ryan, the Official Jezebel gay. (Pic after the hump!) Last week he came up to New York after three grueling days of shooting Trading Spaces, and because he's such a devoted friend he volunteered himself to go to Chelsea for our little Vulva perfume gay-on-the-street smell-test while we, uh, got drunk or something. And boy did he get his hands dirty! Previously a vadge virgin, Ryan not only fingered the equivalent of, like, fifty ovulating Adderall patients this weekend, he accidentally took the crap home to Philly with him. And started using it to pick up homos! Without further ado, the Vulva diary of Jezegay Ryan.

I am gay man who has never smelled a vagina, never plans on smelling a vagina, is appalled by women's hairy armpits, and I often think that even though real women have curves, they maybe shouldn't. So I was as surprised as anyone when Moe gave me my first whiff of Vulva and I wasn't grossed out.

Now, I like the smell of balls - the sweatier the better - and I like feeling the sweat and oils with my fingers and knowing exactly what's causing the Old Crotch Spice. Vulva does not smell like balls, but it is distinctly and defiantly a body odor. The scent is pungent and sweet, almost rotten, and its piquancy lingers for hours.

I've had a few days to sit with Vulva and really live with it. At first I was calling it a "pussy bomb," and I was scared to death that if it leaked in my messenger bag I'd have to either wash it in tomato juice, exorcise it, or throw it out. But after a few hours I kept going back for another sample. Maybe it'll smell better; maybe I'll begin to understand its essence. And you know what, Vulva did smell better. The odor evens out over time; its initial pungency flattens out to be fresh, airy and summery. I know this is a cliché, but on Tuesday I stopped in front of the flower stand outside my neighborhood bodega and thought, "Hmmm, I know this smell...Vagina!"

Vulva is not pleasant, but it lodges in my sense memory and got easier, and more addictive. One tends to forget about other fragrances when completely surrounded by a strong aroma. The perfume inevitably got on my finger tips, so whenever I smoked cigarettes, ate a sandwich, or drank a can of soda, I was essentially smoking, eating, and drinking vagina, and it was pretty great.

I wasn't surprised that the gay men were repelled by Vulva during Jezebel's smell test, but I was disappointed. I think it represented a trend in the gaysphere that I've long feared - vanilla gay sex. Yeah, it's funny to see gay men squeal in disgust over Vulva, but was only funny until I realized that these prisses are the people I'm going to have to have sex with. Gay sex was always dirtier, more anonymous, fun, experimental, and fringe than straight sex, but if gay men are squeamish about a musky finger then we as a community have bigger problems than marriage, adoptions, and shared healthcare coverage.

The one straight man that Slut Machine and I stumbled upon in Chelsea honestly did not smell anything offensive about my fingers. True he was British and doesn't have the American O.C. complex about daily washings, but he took big huffs and puffs of Vulva and the smell didn't register. Even Slut Machine was a little overwhelmed after taking deep breaths of it, but here was a straight man that wasn't turned off by the complexity of female body liquids within a neighborhood of prissy homos who used to be the sole rulers of sexual vice and perversion. I bet this Brit knows how to dirty a set of sheets.

There is a bright side. I went to a gay bar after the blind smell test to do some independent research. I turned to the man sitting next to me at the bar and asked, "Do you want to smell vagina?" Turns out he did...and so did the rest of the bar. Who Wants to Smell the Vagina became the new gay parlor game, and the old, young, bears, and cubs all wanted to play. Sure, they were all still recoiling, but I was relieved to know that during spells of loneliness and insecurity at bar, we gay men have a new pick-up line that has nothing to do with threesomes and bathroom sex. I got 2 Facebook messages the next day!

Unless you have been a sex worker, or know one intimately, you have No. Fucking. Clue.

Wrong Call [Guardian]
Related: Confessions of a College Callgirl

Earlier: How To Get Waxed

Earlier: Gay People Look Different, Walk Different Than Straight People

So um, this is Mystery?

I'm Mystery among friends, Eric among girlfriends.And my nieces call me uncle Butthead.

Have a lot of people called you today?

About fifteen people have called and hung up. I can tell culturally it's a lot of black people, and I'm getting the 212 area code, which is Chicago.

Where are you? 702 is a Vegas area code, right?

Well yes but I am currently in Los Angeles. I just got to Los Angeles last night. I'm in my empty new apartment right now, I got in last night late, and I've got three pitch meetings for a new project today. I've got a pitch for a new project today at ten a.m.

I'm sure you'll succeed. You're very convincing. Although the guys on your show...

People out there need to reach people for good or for bad.

Do you ever come to New York? I have a friend who wants to date you.

My New York days are behind me. New york is just, too, um there's so much humanity and they're so blind and trapped by their lives and you see it all around ...Do you know that song "Bunch Of Water" by Live?

Live, like "I Alone" Live?

No, Live like "Lightning Crashes" Live. That guy is definitely a Rock God.

Totally. Who else do you revere as Rock Gods?

Well, Tool. Maynard ... there is definitely somehow transcendental some sort of message he is preaching

So...are you dating anyone? Or a lot of people?

You mean, do I have a special someone?

Or an unspecial someone, you know, I'm easy.

Well, I've put myself in an interesting position where I have a lot of opportunities. And there are some people on this planet are really truly we're spiritually connected to...

Okay, did you get laid last night?

Um, no. I did jerk off to lesbian porn at 4:30 in the morning though.

Oh, lesbian porn is my favorite. Sometimes I struggle with that. Like, does it make me gay?

All women are bisexual to some degree, it's a hard wire. Even my sixteen year old niece has a crush on....well, a female actress.

I'm worse than that, I have a crush on Samantha Ronson, and she's a dyke!

Who is that?

Oh, she's Lindsay Lohan's DJ best friend enabler big sister lover type. She's really really cute. Do you think you could de-gay her?

Any man can de-gay a girl when she realizes he's just a spirit and they're both spirits and it has nothing to do with the boy-girl dynamic thing.

But what about men? Men aren't all bisexual to some degree?

I'm still trying to figure things out; my brother's gay but at the same time, when I watch Borat or flip past a gay porn channel - because you know I'm from Toronto and they're very liberal about pornography there, there are ten porn channels - I can't help but feel my nose crinkle and say "that's gross."

Why do you think Scott Baio is 45 and single?

Well let's see, I have a thought about that. It's sort of the same thing as if I were to see Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls have sex. Why would I want to watch someone who has already gone through menopause.. go through that? It's biology. I'm evolutionally calibrated to not find that attractive. Why would I pursue something that it's not attractive to me?

(And I have no idea if there was a segue into this next thought)

One of the things I find myself enjoying is licking a girl's ass. I feel like I'm owned by her, and simultaneously owning her in a weird way, and it's a weird symbolism when you watch two girls do it and nothing gets me harder. I can be an intellectual, but I'm bound by the human condition. It also appears that millions and millions of human beings feel the same way. Just type in "ass licking" on Google and see what you'll find.

Oh no. I've actually had my SafeSearch on ever since I Google image searched the words "period sex." Big mistake.

I've had sex with a girl on her period, it's not disgusting. It's not a fetish or anything. Even ass licking isn't a fetish, it's spiritual. Most guys are not fetishists. They're needy for sex, but really what you're trying to do is feel a sensational experience with someone. That's what this whole pick-up thing has been about. It's not about trying to pick up a girl so you can get laid. It's about building trust in someone, whether it's a sushi meal or an orgasm, at the same time life is just about experience.

Right, I mean, I totally agree. But the guys on your show...

The guys on my show are all on the path.

So when did you lose your virginity?

When I was twenty-one.

So like, when you were in college?

No, I didn't go to college, in fact I quit high school in grade ten, and then went back, and I have a half-credit to go before finishing grade twelve. I'm one of those people who recognizes the responsibility of education lies in the student, not the teacher, and over the years I have studied a myriad of subjects, from cosmology to astrophysics to microbiology and chemistry. I didn't get to be a millionaire by not educating myself.

But so you, like, never took the SAT.

I'm Canadian so no. Talking to you is fun. You speak with a lot of clarity.

I'm really hungover.

What's your name?

Moe. Well, Moe among friends, "Maureen" usually to boyfriends and dudes who aren't comfortable with the idea of fucking a "Moe." What are you wearing?

Well I'm putting on jeans, and new shoes I got yesterday at the Fashion Show Mall, where I was recognized by at least fifteen people. I get recognized easily now, and everyone is just so positive. There's so much positive energy. Oh hold on a second, Matador is here. Here's Matador.

M: Who is this?

I'm Moe.

M: Wait, here, talk to Chris.

C: Hey, who is this?

Moe. I was just talking to Mystery.

C: How do you know these guys?

Um, we just have a shared interest in cosmology I guess. Did you get laid last night?

C: Me, no. My girlfriend's on her period.

Oh my god, me too! We're synched already. Mystery has no problem having sex with a girl who's on the rag, do you?

C: No I don't mind, it's just like, blowjob week.

So it must be pretty exciting being friends with Mystery!

C: Oh yeah. I mean, you could take a retarded monkey boy and put him on TV and he would get laid, but with Mystery, there's the double impact of, like, Mystery, and now he's on TV.

It's sort of like this thing I read about in Cosmo, where you have clitoral orgasm and a G-Spot orgasm at the same exact time.

C: And it's all spongy and filled with blood ... yeah, just like that! To Mystery:Hey man, why don't you smoke on the balcony? You pay thousands of dollars for a nice place and then smoke a cigarette?No longer to Mystery: So who are you, are you hot?

Um, not right now. I fix up okay. But "hot" isn't, like, my selling point. I'm more of a "fun" type person. Like, I am really hungover right now, and probably not looking so good, but it's because I was "fun" last night. Anyway I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. What neighborhood of LA are you in?

C: West Hollywood.

Does Mystery ever talk about his favorite books to you?

C: Hey man, what's your favorite book? Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted. Carl Sagan. You heard it here first...okay, here's Eric.

So wait, hold on, another of you is calling.

Who was it?

It was another African American voice. I could tell just from the laughing. I can even tell if someone is from Northern or Southern England, right away. I'm kind of like doctor Doolittle in that way. I can tell from just the smallest bit of laughter where people are from.

Where do you think I'm from?

Well, the 646 is a Toronto cell phone prefix.

Um, but I'm in New York.

C: No man, 646 is a New York number.

But I'm actually from Washington, D.C.

Oh, I've done a boot camp in Washington D.C. There's.. just not a lot of beauty there. I don't want to do boot camps there anymore.

But the girls there are smarter than girls anywhere else.

Oh, I'd definitely agree.

Okay, you need to pitch your television shows, and I am going to send you lots of positive energy although you don't need it because you are going to be amazing, but can I call you again maybe to talk about life and stuff?

Sure!

If you want to change grouches to grins — give that man of yours Del Monte Pineapple Juice. Cater to his fondness for flavor. Men like the rich, ripe taste of this juice — the definite pineapple flavor it has. They like its freshness—the bracing refreshment it always brings. You'll know how extra good this juice must be!

We would just like to add that we eat pineapples for breakfast everyday (and we drink up the juice), so if there are any non-gay fellas reading this, holla at your girlz.
Ad: How Would You Like To Put This Smile On Your Husbands Face? (Dec, 1936) [Modern Mechanix]

We were the eldest Jezebel to figure out how to come on command, at the embarrassing age of 25, after our friend bought us a purple vibrator from some crappy store as a present for finishing a story on our short-lived career as a phone sex operator. So healthy, us! Anyway, since then we have lost approximately nine driver's licenses, three passports, eighty nine credit cards, a birth certificate and twelve BlackBerrys but we are still hanging onto that magical plastic cure for our hysteria, and also: cleaning it often. The other Jezebelles ranged from the, um, admirably precocious (two clocked in between the ages of 8 and 10: Joey Lawrence voice: "Whoa!") to the normal (17), though our sluttiest blogosphere friend had the same story: age 24, vibrator purchase, voila. A journalist slut we know, 25 at the age of awakening, was the only late bloomer who credited a particularly astute boyfriend, the 22nd dude she had slept with. The twenty-second: could be your charm, Mara!

A fun fact: while most late-bloomers blamed the fact that they were reared assuming masturbation was shameful, they were even more shameful about not coming to the conclusion that it wasn't shameful earlier. Seriously, everyone who reported an age higher than 16 (the interns, some random Crap Email senders, our college buddies) worried it was "freakishly old." Meanwhile, the early bloomers mostly credited curiosity, boredom, "dry humping", and high school boyfriends with absentee parents for their good fortune.

Anyway, our theory is this: you know how they say the universe is absurd? We read once that the female orgasm has no evolutionary purpose. But somehow orgasms involve sex, which is the foundation of life and to which we're taught to attach all this meaning and symbolism and thought, "meaning" and "symbolism" and "thought" being, of course, the world's three great bonerkillers. In other words, lady, writing this book = not the answer. As Jennie pointed out: "If it were me writing the book I would probably get too focused on the book and wouldn't want sex." Thankfully, the secular world has an answer for all your needs, and that would be Adderall. Get a prescription, finish your book early, and get poking. Meanwhile, let our readers make you feel better!

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*Um, did that happen after the take-out margaritas?

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A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes but these dolls never do those things. They belong to me one-hundred percent.

Well, we guess love is love right? And on another positive note, at least Japanese men like Ta-Bo aren't buying comfort women from China anymore!
'Love Dolls' Woo Japanese Men [Reuters]
Related: Chinese Study Identifies 'Comfort Women' Abused by Japanese Soldiers [Int'lHeraldTribune]
Purity Doll/Japanese Love Doll Videos [Fleshbot]
Milky Lovers: Japanese Sex Doll Brothel [Fleshbot]

A little background: for a religion that assumes you're not having sex till marriage and not having an abortion because it's murder, the Catholic church does spend an awful long time teaching its pupils how many ways you can avoid getting pregnant without a trip to the CVS. For instance, there is the "rhythm method", whereby you figure out the days on which you can't get pregnant on the basis of your menstrual cycle, which was always too much work for us though we do occasionally abide by the rule of thumb that says the three days after our period are EXTRA safe. And then there's withdrawal, which is discussed less but always seemed safer according to the "efficacy studies" printed on the manuals to the birth control pills we went on this one time we had insurance. Efficacy studies say that withdrawal, when done correctly, is almost as effective as condoms in the zygote avoidance category. So what's the problem? Well, it starts with the "correctly" part...As a certain ex used to whine: "It's like landing a plane." Awww.

"Yeah I dunno man. from what i understand, pulling out is probably the least effective form of contraception," said a friend's boyfriend. "Aside from 'abstinence.'" Heh! "Well, it's better than condoms," said a former, er, partner from so long ago we probably didn't have any STDs to pass to each other. But another said he considered it more of a "courtesy" than a method of contraception: 'because we all know shit's been leaking for a while before i pop. that's why i do the chivalrous move of handing the tube sock or shammy to my special lady — don't get up, I'll take care of this mess." Similar courtesies were extended by another guy friend of ours who enjoys the withdrawal method: " Depends. First time? Sure. But I don't skeet on her body/face or anything. I be polite and shoot it on the wall or pillowcase or something. No jizz-bombing until the second hump. Just a personal rule." Charming! Now we understand how this lothario has managed to get FIVE girls pregnant. While on the pill!

Pillhead, a girl, said she'd never ever used the method in her life but that the whole question "turned me on a little bit." (Um, yeah.) "Pulling out is for poor people," said a college student we know who furnished a demographic study to support her view. (Poor people like us!) Apparently in college, condoms are in heavy usage with "Plan B" the go-to plan B. "I love love love LOVE the feeling of having a dude come inside me," said a studious pill-taker who is, um, a little hormonal right now. To which we said, "Is it worth the feeling of a dude's cum inside you?" "Actually," she replied, "my friend has the WORST story about that. Her bf dumped her right after sex, 4 months into the relationship. She remembers walking down the street sobbing, walking away from his apt, and then feeling, you know. That PLOP."

Grody!

But what about all those studies attesting to the lack of viable semen in the Cowper's cocktail? "Maybe I've just been BRAINWASHED by the safe sex lobby," conceded the former FB. A nonslut was not convinced: "Okay well Wikipedia also said, for a long time, that on Laguna Beach, Jason and Tyler were hooking up and Kyndra was okay with it." Good point! We're sticking with condoms. Unless, you know, it's the day after our period.

Coitus Interruptus [Wikipedia]

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moemoe: dude
moemoe: I think that girl could be representative of a new sort of psychographic
moemoe: I mean, there were Soccer Moms, Nascar Dads, "security" moms (yeah barf), and now there are supposedly Single Anxious Females
moemoe: It's new psychographic pollsters are targeting
moemoe: I think they are anxious
moemoe: because maybe the webcam business
moemoe: isn't pulling in the same $$ it used to maybe
moemoe: apparently it's the new soccer mom/nascar dad
moemoe: "you're into border security/let's put this border between you and me"
Dash: interesting, if true
moemoe: she's worried about the foreigners taking her slut jobs!
Dash: well, a lot ofl the best young starlets come from Hungary these days
Dash: so they are right to be worried
moemoe: right and all the models are from estonia and shit! also, paypal.
moemoe: oh my god, speaking of, that site you always link to... Kindgirls?
moemoe: all their names are like, i dunno, "venzenckia" and that shit
Dash: yeah
Dash: the old soviet bloc is very hot right now
moemoe: Politically, who is the industry supporting right now?
Dash: well, they generally lean left
Dash: because the right, you know ... wants them all in prison
Dash: but Savana Samson did endorse Rudy
Dash: of course, she's ridiculously rich now and most people drift that way once they realize how much they're paying in taxes
moemoe: so here is a question, straight outta Tom Friedman's The World Is Flat... how did Savana do it.
moemoe: how did she make herself "untouchable"
moemoe: with so many sluts out there,
moemoe: what was her differentiating factor?
moemoe: (i have a feeling it did not involve being actually, you know, untouchable)
Dash: i'm not really sure what makes a pornstar into a PORNSTAR
Dash: she had one advantage in the Howard Stern made her sorta famous before she ever starred in a movie
Dash: but that was years ago, and she's on top. it's a different world now.
Dash: you're right that you have to be the exact opposite of untouchable
Dash: you have to put yourself any where you can
Dash: endorse any product, appear at any trade show
Dash: or just refuse to do anal
Dash: that builds "mystery"
moemoe: oh really?
moemoe: good to know
moemoe: i mean, from a professional standpoint.
moemoe: hah
Dash: eventually, you'll have to do it
Dash: but that's when you cash in, big time
Dash: i'm interested in the "single anxious females" though
Dash: it sounds like a great title for a new series
Dash: why ARE they so anxious?
Dash: see, in the porn version, it's obviously because they're horny
moemoe: HAHAHAHAHAHA
moemoe: well you know why the vibrator was invented...

Related: Porn Economy Just As Bad As The Regular One [Fleshbot]