In the fall issue of futurist magazine H+, Kristi Scott tells us (on page 14) that "Andy" the sex droid (geddit?) "can hold multiple sex positions, be ordered to simulate breathing, perform oral sex acts, have a pulse, be equipped with a g-spot that responds to orgasm, and much, much more." Another First Androids doll, says Scott, "has the most realistic fake areolas I have ever seen, and I've seen my fair share." Hooray for technology!

Back when Real Dolls were the freakishly realistic sex toy of the moment, I heard a lot of people make the argument that there's no harm in helping lonely, awkward men have someone — something — to curl up with at night. (And fuck. And sponge-bathe. And repair, when their nipple paint wears off.) Megan Laslocky, writing in Salon, said, "[Real Dolls founder Matt] McMullen believes that, for the most part, his dolls are therapeutic transitional objects for men" — just something to get them through a dry spell, before they resume human dating. Laslocky herself, having immersed herself in the world of sex doll enthusiasts, wasn't too concerned, either: "By the end of my reporting... I just saw the men as pathetic and the conversations so packed with false bravado as to be ludicrous." But then she explains how that false bravado is expressed. In an online chatroom, she found "the men were bragging about their success getting 'pussy' using strategies from the likes of Seduce and Conquer and Speed Seduction" — i.e., the patently misogynistic training in manipulation and aggression marketed to lovelorn "nice guys" like George Sodini.

Are we really supposed to believe the overlap in the markets is a coincidence? The whole pickup artist industry is based on the premise that women's bodies are the "nice" guy's Everest, to be conquered by overriding the pesky parts of our brains that naturally produce a "Fuck off, creep" reaction. If you just remove the brain entirely, the Sodinis of the world get everything they want: A warm body with pretty hair, squeezable tits and assorted holes to penetrate, minus that damnable free will.

If I actually believed that sex androids would keep guys like that at home and out of the bars permanently, I might be in favor of them. Unfortunately, I fear they'll only contribute to a thriving culture of misogyny that reinforces unhinged lonely dudes' belief that women's ability to refuse sex is an abstract problem to be solved — not to mention that the solution, when one can't afford a doll, is to stop being so "nice." The thing about the "transitional therapeutic object" theory is that an object is not really an appropriate transition between relationships with actual human beings — unless, of course, you're confused about the distinction there in the first place. Which I would argue is the "nice" guy's fundamental problem.

There's nothing inherently wrong with banging an inanimate object — who among us hasn't? But there's a lot wrong with blurring the line between inanimate object and female human being so aggressively that the primary distinction becomes her capacity for consent — and the lack thereof becomes the fake version's chief selling point. There's a big difference between wanting to simulate the bullet points of real sex, and wanting to simulate every last detail save the humanity of the person you're screwing. Guys who already believe they're entitled to sex with any woman they find attractive, and that those women's brains represent an unjust obstacle in the way of their goal, do not need a coldly pragmatic solution to their perceived problem. They need some fucking therapy, before they open fire on a gym.

Andy Droid: Your Sex Doll Has Arrived [H+]

Related: Just like a woman [Salon]

Earlier:All Dolled Up With No Place To Go
How Not To Cure Shyness: Misogyny, Sodini, & The Plight Of The "Love-Shy"

Note: I speak for myself on that last point. Cooper has intercut footage of his subjects - Lindsay, Benjamin, Kristin, Rafi, Genevieve, and Theodore - talking about pornography with, well, if not quite actual pornography, something approximating it. Or perhaps I should say, his film can be seen as an exercise through which to discuss what exactly "porn" is: I have no doubt that, for many, bearing witness to the facial expressions and reactions of people masturbating while they look straight into the videocamera is far more intimate and less arousing than any of the images these young people are getting off on.

With the exception of one participant, 47-year-old Theodore, the film is also a document of a particular segment of American and English youth, many of whom are so familiar with the genres and lingo of contemporary porn - and their own sexual psychologies - that they put some of us older folk to shame. (Also: speaking for myself here.) Of course, this might also explain why they were willing to be filmed in the first place. The clip is below; thoughts, in the comments.

Video: Robbie Cooper: Sex, Sighs & Videotape [Wallpaper]

Earlier: Up Close & Personal: Wallpaper's Safe For Work Porn Portraits Reach A Thrilling Climax

The installment, titled "Sex, Sighs And Videotape", appears in the upcoming "Sex Issue" of Wallpaper and captures the "come faces" of a group of men and women as they reach climax while viewing pornography. (Cooper's images* - and the accompanying video - include footage/stills of people talking about porn, looking straight to camera, intercut with them wanking to porn). The issue will be on stands on June 11, with supplementary material online at the same time. Above, a peek at one of those images, starring Lindsay, 22, a receptionist from Portland: she is looking - if you can call it that - at the lesbian/transgender porn website The Crash Pad.

*Full Disclosure: Cooper is an acquaintance of mine.

Related: Immersion [NY Times]

Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

We started with the chocolate vagina kit, since it seemed a lot less complicated, seeing as how I didn't need to be aroused or anything. We had to mix this powder with lukewarm water, then pour it into this scoop thingy, and then press it up against my crotch, all in a span of two minutes, otherwise the stuff would've hardened and been useless.

I pressed it up against me and all of a sudden the excess mixture started pouring out the sides, running down my legs and getting all over the floor. It was all thick and creamy and it seriously looked like I had some kind of VD, or someone had just shot a lump load all over me.

Sorry for sharing that. Anyways, I started screaming because that shit was getting all over my floor (which I just mopped), so my boner donor ran and got a towel. And then we just started laughing maniacally. There I was, standing in my robe, a bra, and slippers with one hand on a dripping crotch and the other holding a glass of wine. I totally looked like Nelson Muntz's mom.

I had to hold the shovel up to my crotch for four minutes. After enough time had elapsed, I pulled it off (luckily, it didn't stick to my hair), and did not like what I saw. I don't mean to get all precious about my pussy or whatever, but this is not an accurate impression of it.

I guess there was a giant air pocket, so we peeled a dry piece of mixture up off the floor and stuffed it in there. We put the vagina mold in the freezer, per the directions, and then got to work on the chocolate dick kit.

Okay, I'm here's the thing about that: If you want a sexy, fun time, don't do this. It's really weird and mechanical and there's sooooooo much start and stop. For instance, first we had to cut the provided dick tube down to the size of his erection, so I had to blow him for a little bit so that we could figure out how long to make the tube, and then left him hanging there as I was hacking the tube down with scissors.

Then I had to combine the molding powder with water, using a thermometer to make sure it was 98º. I had two minutes to mix the stuff, pour it in the tube, get him hard again, and then shove his peen in there, all before the mixture hardened. It was really stressful, and also, impossible. We couldn't do it on our first try. First of all, my dog began humping my donor's leg, and she just wouldn't let go. And by the time I mixed the stuff and blew him, the mixture had hardened in the tube and he couldn't get his dick in there. So we had to start all over again.

This time, we were practically pros — a well-oiled machine of genital casters. He mixed the stuff and poured it in the tube, while I blew him until he was at full mast. Then he stuck it in the tube, and we waited for two minutes until it had set. (When we pulled it off his dick, it totally queefed!) We placed it in the fridge and then went to work on the dick candle kit.

At this point, we felt like we were sweatshop workers in a sex toy factory. We did the mixture/blow job routine again, and he jammed his dick in the tube. Except this time, we had issues of a different kind. His dick is curved, so it was hitting the side of the tube, so we turned it, as per the directions, so that all sides would be covered, but then a bunch of the stuff poured out, and there wasn't enough left in the tube to give him full coverage.

I was like, "Oh, well we can still do it, it'll just be a shorter candle."

"No way!" he said. "Tracie, I ain't goin' out like that." He insisted we start over, since he wanted it to be longest candle it could possibly be. At this point, with all the thermometers, measuring cups, bowls, powder and whatevs, my bedroom was starting to look like a meth lab.

We decided to take a break. All the stopping and starting of making out and oral sex and fingering that had been going on had proven to be really frustrating but also kind of an exciting form of foreplay, since we were repeatedly forced to put the breaks on. By the time we sat down on the bed together, we just started going at it, and after a few minutes, I was like, "Why don't we forget about the candle for now and you just fuck me." So he did. Twice.

In the morning, I melted the chocolate to put in the molds. They were expired or something and were all white. They look like Junior Mints but they're not.

I poured the melted chocolate into the molds and let them set for 5 minutes. My vulva came out looking like a diseased turd.

I'd like to take the time to reiterate that it DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. Got it?

And here's the cocklate:

I told you he was curved!

So here's the story: I met a dude who was visiting from Ireland at a bar. We went back to the place he was staying, and pretty much started having sex right away. I was on top of him — my back to his face — for a few minutes, rubbing myself with my fingers when I started to orgasm. I started to contract really hard and then all of a sudden, I felt all this fluid rushing out of me. It were as though his dick were a pin and popped a water balloon resting on the front wall of my vagina. At first I was gripped with fear, and thought I'd ruptured some sort of cyst. But there was no pain at all.

Then I could hear the guy behind me start laughing through his moans, adding, "Alright! I didn't know you were one of those." Obviously, neither had I.

In the years since, squirting (sometimes called gushing) has become a part of my sex life, although there is no predictability to it. I can't squirt on command, although there are better chances of it happening if some kind of penetration is going on. Sometimes the stuff squirts out in a split stream, sometimes it gushes wildly, sometimes it just falls out, and one time, when a dude was finger-banging me, it shot up in the air, and arched. The amount of fluid expelled also varies widely. Sometimes it's about a tablespoon or two, sometimes it can be up to a cup or two. It's actually a pain in the ass because it's just a big mess.

As for the fluid, it's not really piss. Here's an explanation from Wikipedia:

While current information offers no solid information about the source of the fluid, chemical analysis performed on the fluid has revealed that while it sometimes contains at least traces of urine, it regularly contains chemical markers unique to the prostate (whether male or female).

So where is this stuff coming from then? No one knows for certain, but the likely answer is the Skene's gland, which is located on the upper wall of the vagina, around the lower end of the urethra, and is said to also be the biological mechanism behind G-spot orgasms. It drains near the urethral opening. Check it out:

The first time I saw that diagram I was like, "Ahhh! More holes!?"

The Skene's gland thing would explain why penetration is needed for me to squirt: According to a study at the University of Italy, Skene's glands have "a highly variable anatomy, and in some extreme cases they appear to be missing entirely. If Skene's glands are the cause of female ejaculation and G-spot-orgasms, this may explain the observed absence of these phenomena in many women."

This, of course, would explain why some women believe female ejaculation is real (it is) and why no one should feel less sexually accomplished if it's never happened to them (it isn't something everyone can do). I'm still not entirely sure why it even happened to me; the best I can come up with is that as I grow older and more experienced, I'm just getting better at getting off. I definitely have way better orgasms now at 28 than I did at 18. It's just that now I have to have a towel on hand.

"Great Fountain Geyser" photo by Bookworm 1225 via Flickr

Lately, more than ever, there seems to have been a resurgence of second wave-y anti-porn sentiment in feminism — and even on Jezebel — which to me, is weird for many reasons, perhaps most notably because mainstream people seem to be embracing the idea of pornography more than ever. I mean, the pages of O magazine even recommend a sex-positive attitude about porn, for crying out loud. Tristan agreed that it's growing trend, citing Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs as an example.

"Porn has always been, and continues to be a huge issue for women. I don't know if the debate will ever be over," Tristan said, "But it's hard to hear from other feminists. They haven't seen my porn, they haven't seen Candida Royalle or Belladonna. So they don't see that porn is not one monolithic thing that's all bad."

When asked how she deals with that, she said that she believes everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that they should watch her movies before expressing it to her. "Porn is complicated. [The perception of it by the public] has been over simplified. Porn is as cerebral as it is visceral."

And that makes sense, considering many of her movies are educational. Her Expert Guides series (for anal, cunnilingus and fellatio) sort of break the porno mold: She's into organic and authentic climaxes. ("I would rather the actors share a part of their sexuality, than have me tell them what to do.") And in the Guide to Cunnilingus, there aren't any penis penetration shots, which, she said, Vivid initially told her wouldn't work, because "if there's no cock, there's no scene."

But changing the way things are done is all part of Tristan's master plan. "Everything I do is deliberate—very deliberate."

[Image by Jeff Koga for Fleshbot]

Earlier: Fear And Clothing In Las Vegas
Last Night I Boned An AVN Award Nominee
You Never Forget Your First Time: My Day At The Adult Entertainment Expo
Related: 2008 AVN Awards: Dispatches From The Front
(Lots And Lots More) AVN 2008 Red Carpet Photos: Still Gagging On The Glamour

Earlier: Jezebel Crashes The Tyra Show's Vaginas Episode

But really, the nastier, and uninhibited the better. Sometimes performing a specific act — like say, getting tit fucked — is satisfying, not because it necessarily feels better than other stuff, but because it's so dirty that it's a turn on. Of course, if you're not into that sort of thing, then that's totally cool. Just don't fuck dudes who are. Frankly, if you're having sex in a manner that makes you uncomfortable, you're either a retard or a rape victim.

Sex is such a mental thing for women, that porno can really help one determine the parameters of what's vanilla, so that you can step the fuck out of the box and be adventurous. Porn has definitely not only given me new ideas, but also the confidence to try out the lewd ones I'd already dreamed up during Magic Wand sessions.

And it's not just men and sicko perverts like me who make use of the vast world of carnal knowledge that the adult entertainment industry has to offer. Have you picked up an issue of O magazine lately? Oprah has her sex columnist (and Sex And The City writer) Cindy Chupack and other writers discuss porno and make dirty movie recommendations practically on the regular.

You know, it's not like porn taught me how to have sex. But it did teach me to have better sex than I'd been having, if only because it opened up my world to all the smutty, nasty shit I love so much. So I just want to say, thanks, porno. If it weren't for you, then dudes probably wouldn't know that it's totally cool for them to ask me to sit on their faces while they do what needs to get done.

Earlier: How About You Don't Ask To Come On My Face On The First Date?
Related: Study: Young adults now find porn more acceptable [USA Today]

Get in the doggie-style position—you on your knees and your guy kneeling behind you.

Here's the first page. Shape up for Nude Bathing! Nude bathing...it's like sexy sex! And like, scroll down REAL QUICKLY if you're at work.

"You have to say, it 'Eh-lin,'" she said. "All your 'r's have to be 'l's and vice-versa. Or if that gets confusing just don't pronounce your 'r's at all."
"Uh, okay."
"And when you talk to him about his 'cock', don't pronounce the 'ck'. Say it like 'co-'," she cut off the word as if she was coughing. "You want his 'BEEG G.I. Joe co... beeg Amelican co..."
"Are you fucking kidding?"
"Yeah, seriously, I just memorized the whole bit from Full Metal Jacket," she said. "Me so hoooooe-ny!"

It was pretty absurd, to learn how to talk "Asian" from a first-generation Asian immigrant who learned from a seventeen year-old rap song's sampling of a twenty-year-old movie. But I'm sure it was a lot better, in working some lonely dude through his throbbing boner, to draw from an iconic movie scene, as opposed to the ingrained memory of the Asian accented voice of, say, her mom. It was also a lot more fun to use. Unfortunately, my calls usually came through the "Beautiful Black Woman" and " Teen Tits" lines. Oh, well.

I think it's within the capacity of most humans to understand that common media representations often don't depict reality. But people, when they are exposing themselves to media images, aren't necessarily looking for reality, and that ratio goes down almost to nil when you're talking about fetishes and porn.

(And to that end you should watch this video I consider to be pretty funny, namely because I saw it after I had seen the series of "Daddy's Worst Nightmare" videos upon which it was based, which is like performance art, but anyway.

I appreciated everyone's frank discussion of "Asian fetishes" and the weird rationale guys use with their friends for having them. (See: Asian vaginas don't smell.) In the process I admitted, in what I hope you took as a mostly self-deprecating tone, that Asian women by and large have good skin and are less likely to be fat. And you know what? Some of you went apeshit. To the point that I thought about Googling statistics on our respective rates of skin cancer and obesity, just to prove I was, you know, just sayin.'

But seriously? Who the fuck chooses a girlfriend on the basis of his or her ethnicity's relative rate of skin cancer? (Of course, there are studies that suggest people are attracted to mates whose immune systems will complement their own; whatevs.) The point is, that today's "Asian fetishists" will be tomorrow's "dudes who feel really fucking stupid and racist for assuming that a Korean girlfriend would be a cheap drunk" or "dudes whose Puerto Rican girlfriends make fun of those Chinese painting supplies they bought that one time they thought it would impress that girl who was actually just seriously annoyed," or whatever. Over time, the acknowledgement of ethnic stereotypes — and the engagement and undermining and satirizing of those stereotypes — can lead to a stronger understanding of the sometimes ultimately superficial cultural differences that prevent us from enjoying deeper human relationships with people of all colors, creeds, etc.

Ha ha ha, I said "deeper."

I asked a close friend. "To completion?" she wanted to know. That's what everyone wanted to know. This particular individual did not remember finishing a hand job since a Sonic Youth set during Lollapolooza 1994, or even starting one in any serious way in the past five years. Another friend, a blogger, answered "early college" and another blogger-friend said "two years ago, in a car. Or maybe four years ago. Yeah, more like four." A guy friend dated his last completion hand job to 2003 — an experience during which the semen actually landed in his mouth! — and another girl blogger friend said, "Oh god, I am SO BAD at this."

The glaring exception was a Jezebel who gives them all the time and doesn't think it's cheating because it's so "clinical." Which, I guess, is why they are most likely to be given in "clinics"?

Oh wait, I sort of misread, obviously a huge part of the gap is due to the fact that oral sex is often not reciprocated. And yeah, lesbians are better at giving head to girls than dudes. But the fact that dudes get off girls only 39% of the time they go down on them is kind of sad. What are they doing wrong? Tell us here!

Bedroom Inequalty [Stanford Daily]

Because, I have to confess, I am an ass-virgin. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship with someone experienced in the art of anal pleasure (at least, I'm reliably told it can be pleasurable) and the one guy I dated who expressed an particular interest tried the timeworn tactic of telling me that I'd like it "once I got used to it" and then insulted me to try to change my mind. My response to that was that if I could have pleasurable sex or painful/uncomfortable sex until I got "used to it," I was pretty well going to opt for "pleasurable" every time, thanks. He thought I was selfish, I thought he was an ass-obsessed pig, and things didn't work out.

But, anyway, so when I told a couple of close girl friends about my ass-virginity over a few bottles of wine a few weeks ago, both expressed shock and amazement that I (of all people) had never done it, and proceeded to tell me how much they liked it under certain circumstances... and then they both clammed the fuck up. I didn't learn anything from either of them that I didn't already know despite the booze. So, I surveyed my gay friends, who are much more talkative and less circumspect about the finer points of ass-fucking, as well as hilarious pseudonym-choosers.

"Chad Dandylion" told me that "the rules are the same [as for vaginal intercourse] — it needs proper preparation, and if it's your first few times, a very gentle touch." Below, "Chad's" 10, uh, tips for the uninitiated:

• 1) Make sure you don't have diarrhea or anything else that makes you shit a lot and leaves the anus inflamed
• 2) Don't eat roughage at least 24 hours beforehand
• 3) Give yourself an enema with lukewarm water
• 4) MAKE HIM EAT OUT YOUR ASS FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. This relaxes the ring of muscle, acclimates you to the sensation of having something probing your hole, and also happens to feel really really really good
• 5) Use lube, not spit. make sure the lube is latex-safe
• 6) If it's your first time, make him go slow, make him be gentle. if you get startled, you can clench, which hurts at first, or if he's rough he could accidentally do some damage
• 7) When he pushes inside, push back like you're taking a shit — this opens up the anus and makes the initial penetration easier
• 8) if you're not being a total whore and taking it doggy-style, sitting on him is easiest, because then you can control the speed at which you get opened up
• 9) You control the pace, unless you're a submissive bitch and then you let him pound you till your eyes roll back
• 10) Be vocal, give him hints as to what feels good and what doesn't. If you like him teasing your hole by pulling out to the head then pushing back in all the way, tell him that. If you like him mostly in and skooching it around, tell him that. Remember: as the bottom you are, ultimately, in control. Unless you don't want to be.

Since some of that didn't sound so terrible (except for maybe the enema thing, and the eyes-rolling-back thing), I figured I would ask another gay friend of mine for his advice because the more the better, right? "Chance" told me that his only real advice was not to let a Marine fuck me up the ass, because some "straight" jarhead came over and fucked him with so little grace and lube that he ended up having to get the inside of his asshole stitched back together at the hospital the next morning and then learned what a panty liner was.

I think I'm going to stop asking now. Well, except for this little poll.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Pillhead may have been too big a pussy to take Alli, but her much-envied Adderall-addled brain has noticed a growing trend in pop culture: big vaginas are the new small penises.

Even a 747 would look small if it was landing in the Grand Canyon.

Tom Arnold's zinger has echoed in my head like the roar of a jet engine in the Grand Canyon ever since. Back then, Arnold's insult was kind of shocking, especially since the idea of relative vagina size had never even occurred to me. It was the kind of thing that made me wonder: "Is this what guys talk about while we're talking about their dicks? And how on earth are we to know where we stand? I mean, we can't measure!!"

Lately though, the Big Vagina thing has become a bona fide trend. I'm not talking about crazy ladies who think vaginal surgery is all that's standing between themselves and happiness (Slut Machine bravely covered that trend gonzo-style) I'm talking about pop culture's recent willingness to go there more and more and, er, deeper and deeper. Witness this clip from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry's agent Jeff defends himself against a small-penis insult with a Big Vagina accusation (complete with its own hand gesture!).

And in August, I watched the Comedy Central Roast of Flava Flav with (admittedly several kinds of) sociological curiosity. If my figures are correct, not a single female participant escaped the Big Vagina insult, while the small penis comments were, well, impossible to find without a magnifying glass. (Sample: Greg Giraldo to Brigitte Nielsen: "Your pussy's so big Sylvester Stallone left his career in there.")

But, being both curious about the physical possibilities of the big vagina and whether anyone had ever gotten tagged with the insult herself, I asked a bunch of people. Only two people would cop to any knowledge of the subject, but both were enlightening in completely different ways.

Dude, Now 31:

I was a Peer Counselor at Planned Parenthood when I was 15, and I had to show folks how to insert a diaphragm (I used a translucent plastic vagina). But first I busted out the box that had all the sizes. And, from what I can remember, the sizes ranged from something in between a quarter and a half-dollar to a diaphragm roughly the size of a CD.

One guy I dated tried to convince me to let him fuck me up the ass by claiming my vadge was too loose for him to get off. I told him that was his problem, since it was plenty tight enough for me to get off.

Or have we just finally run out of dick jokes?

We put the Shenises in our pants and pretended to be male porn stars.

This shot sorta sums up our afternoon filming: Shenis, alcohol, makeup.

Earlier: Sampling The Shenis, Or How Women Can Pee On Two Feet

Earlier: What Do Gay Men Think Of "Vulva", The Ladyparts Perfume?
Related: We Hear [NY Post]