1. She makes bizarro YouTube clips with Gwyneth Paltrow.

See above. According to Jacob Bernstein's Daily Beast piece, Anderson and Gwynnie are still BFFs, and in 2008 they made this weird little promo together (apparently with the help of Oprah's production company) appeared on Oprah together. Note Gwyneth's grim-eyed stare as she tells the camera, "I work out six days a week." Also note what she perceives as her options: "when you're 35, you either starve yourself, or you do serious cardio. But there's no free ride." I get that Gwyneth's job dictates that she have what Anderson calls "a teeny-tiny body," but what's with the second person? When I turn 35, I'm heartily looking forward to neither starving myself nor working out with Tracy Anderson. Also, one YouTube commenter says Anderson's workouts will leave you "looking like skeletors nutsack," which I guess is body-snark but is also too awesome not to quote.

2. She even steals from herself.

In 2007, Anderson didn't have enough money to outfit her LA studio. So she just started taking machines from the Indianapolis facility. As the machines disappeared one by one, she told her Indianapolis clients "the studio was simply undergoing maintenance." Then one day her customers arrived for a class and the studio was completely empty. Invisible treadmills!

3. She never went to Juilliard, worked on music videos, appeared in Cats, or was sponsored by Carnation Instant Breakfast.

She claims to have done all of the above, but the Daily Beast could find no proof of anything in this grab-bag of impressive and unimpressive credentials (Carnation Instant Breakfast?). Tracy Anderson also did not invent the question mark, has not seen Obama's original birth certificate, and cannot turn water into wine.

4. She calls going to jail "bummer times."

In 2006, Anderson was very briefly jailed for the Dickensian crime of failing to pay the chimney sweep. The Indianapolis Monthly and The Daily Beast both persuasively accuse her of living a lavish lifestyle while ignoring her bills, but here's how she describes the whole experience on her website:

There was a period of about 4 years in my life when I went through several "bummer times." During this period, I got myself into an unfortunate situation in which several negative events happened to me because I let someone else take control of every aspect of my life from finances to business documents. My misguided trust led me to take on challenges I would never have dreamed of facing, and these events affected not only my business, but also my personal life and emotions.

That "someone else" is presumably Glynn Barber, an ex-boyfriend whose own version of events is that Anderson convinced him to invest in her business and then bled him dry. It's a little hard to tell who is telling the truth about their relationship, but Anderson wants us to know her side — for our own good. She writes,

To anyone reading this who has felt hopeless or alone, I hope that my story can help you start to find the inner strength that you need to overcome and start healing, because no one else can give you the strength that you can give to yourself.

Tracy Anderson: firming the glutes, uplifting the soul.

Madonna's Trainer Fights Back [The Daily Beast]
Tracy Anderson Method [Official Site]
Tracy Anderson Method : Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Workout [YouTube]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan
Celeb Trainer Tracy Anderson Wants To Give Everyone A "Teeny-Tiny" Body

200 children were involved in the study, which aimed to measure how much exercise children in the area were getting. The most overweight children in study apparently weren't losing any weight, despite their high activity levels, which led researchers to question the pedometer numbers, which were being tracked via satellite. "Then we realised they were attaching the pedometers to their dogs' collars," admits Professor Nicola Maffulli. Whoops! According to the BBC, the study has been extended. And while it's important for everyone to be honest about their activity levels, you really can't help but admit that the tricky participants should at least get bonus points for creativity. [BBC] via [Neatorama]

Cankles are the fastest growing "aesthetic affliction" in the United States… even ahead of other bathing suit killers like Muffin Tops, Saddle Bags and Moobs. Millions of people across the country are currently affected by Cankles and millions more are "at risk." In fact, it is estimated that if current trends continue, by the year 2012 Cankles will surpass Love Handles as the number one aesthetic affliction in the world.

Gold's Gym has created saynotocankles.com to raise awareness for this growing epidemic and provide information and resources for those affected. If you or a loved one is suffering Cankles…we are here to provide the support you need.

This is supposed to be hilarious.

Listen, no one disputes that that obesity is an epidemic and that exercise is good. But what point is there in mocking someone's "aesthetic affliction"? What if you're big-boned? Should you shave down your fibula?

Luckily, Gold's Gym talks to Corry Matthews, "a Virginia-based trainer and member of Gold's Gym Fitness Institute." (Not a doctor.) He says: "Even if you're in great shape, fatty deposits around the ankles are difficult to shrink."

Great. So what's the point again?

Gold's Gym Addresses 'Cankles' [BusinessWeek]

Related: SayNoToCankles.com [Official Site]

Charlotte Sanders's Telegraph profile, like much media coverage of Anderson, doesn't mention any allegations of financial wrongdoing. It does, however, spend a lot of time describing Anderson's get-up, which sounds upsetting:

She is wrapped in a black trench coat, her bleached-blonde hair padded out with extensions, her tan a deep caramel; lip-gloss and huge false eyelashes adorn her girlish face. She chews gum constantly and talks quickly and breathily. When she removes the trench coat for the photo-shoot, all that is underneath is a pair of skin-tight shorts, knee-length stockings and a denim waistcoat that a six-year-old might struggle to squeeze into. It's quite a look.

She sounds kind of like Janice the Muppet, but she's a lot less fun. Here's her mission statement:

My mission is to give every woman the tools to look and feel their best and be able to do everything 100 per cent. To love their bodies, to absolutely not have cellulite, to not spend their money on gimmicks, to not have their emotions messed with. To not think they can't lose the baby weight – no way! Don't even go down that miserable road! My method is the best girlfriend you could ever have!

Anderson may be teeny-tiny, but she contains multitudes. She wants women to love their bodies, but not if they have cellulite. She wants them "to not have their emotions messed with," but implies that if they accept a little baby weight they will be miserable. And she wants them "to not spend the money on gimmicks," but the centerpiece of her workout is "the Hybrid Body Reformer, a machine that exercises every single accessory muscle." Maybe it works ( if by "works," you mean "gives you the only type of body Anderson thinks is attractive"), but Anderson's claims that all other workouts are worthless, that "running gives you an ugly butt," and that "lots of dancers have horrible bodies" all smell of snake oil.

Anderson says she can "take any woman from any genetic background and turn her into this teeny-tiny dancer type," which makes it sound like she's building a fearsome army of tiny, identical fembots to take over the world. And maybe she is. The allegiance of Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow seems to have shielded her from much public criticism of her shady money dealings, and she's started a new gym in New York that charges $900 a month. It will be truly sad — but maybe not surprising — if Anderson is able to achieve lasting success by convincing women that they need to be just like her.

Tracy Anderson: Guru By Appointment To Her Madge, Madonna [Telegraph]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan

Here's a short version of Anderson's story:

After gaining weight and getting ridiculed as a ballet dancer, she developed a dance-based workout technique designed to "manipulate your muscular structure." She and her husband Eric opened several gyms in Fishers, Indiana, but quickly went into debt, partly due to Anderson penchant for driving fancy cars but not paying her sewer bills. After filing for bankruptcy and starting yet another gym, she asked Glynn Barber, a married dad who owned a tool-and-die business, to build her a "Hybrid Body Reformer," a variant on a Pilates machine that would both tone muscles and "make you super-tiny." Barber built twelve of the machine and, despite the fact that Anderson didn't pay him, both became romantically involved with her and invested in her business. Over the next several years, Anderson proceeded to bleed him dry of his eight-figure fortune, making him pay for luxuries like a $1,500 a night hotel in London when she visited Madonna, and an apartment in Los Angeles when she decided to relocate there. Though Barber is now broke, the home they shared in Indiana is being foreclosed upon, and one of her gyms has closed without fully reimbursing clients for unused lesson, Anderson apparently continues to train Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oddly, an article by Donna Freydkin in today's USA Today makes no mention of Anderson's malfeasance. Freydkin calls Anderson "the woman responsible for Paltrow's attention-grabbing transformation from willowy to wow." And Paltrow (whom Anthony Bourdain called "the one bitch who refuses to eat ham") sounds like a promotional brochure when she gushes,

I had always been dedicated to exercise, but no matter how hard I worked, I never was able to change the things that bothered me. Her method is so rewarding because, yes, you are working hard, but you know you are getting somewhere. I really never thought that at 36, after two children, I could look better than I ever had.

How has Anderson gotten away with years of unpaid bills, bankruptcy, and using up a man's fortune, only to wind up a lauded trainer to the stars? We see two equally depressing reasons. One, Anderson embodies the pre-recession ethos of keeping up appearances at all costs. Her expensive car, home, hotel stays, and studio equipment were all part of Anderson's strategy: her associates told Indianapolis Monthly that "she sells herself with charisma and succeeds, time and time again, by giving the impression that she is already successful" — even when she has no money to pay for the things she buys. Though this strategy has resulted in devastating financial fallout for Barber — and for others too quickly taken in by the early 21st centuries buy-now, pay-later mores — it seems to be working for Anderson, at least for now.

The other secret to her success: people, especially actresses, really want to be thin. Anderson "promised that anyone could look like her," says former client Amy Paull. "Anyone could be a size 0 or a size 2." Paull adds that when people hear of Anderson's financial troubles, "the usual comment I hear is, ‘It's terrible what she did, but did her workout work? People are so desperate to be thin." Desperate enough, apparently, that they don't care if their trainer has cheated others and may well cheat them. Tracy Anderson: yet another sign of the end-times.

Getting Ripped [Indianapolis Monthly]
Meet the fitness trainer who transformed Gwyneth Paltrow [USA Today]

Say your flabby ass is getting you down. Turn to swimsuit model Marisa Miller's detachable workout cards (Cosmo is Self now)! Her moves are apparently best performed while standing Photoshopped in front of an ocean — and with skin airbrushed to the texture of latex. But what if your friends suck or (God, no!) you're single? That's easy — you should change your life, but not too much. Maybe you could grocery shop on weekends in order to meet men. Or just "stop to take a breath midday" (ah yes, breathing). "The changes you make," say Cosmo editors, "could improve other areas of your life . . . including ones you didn't even realize needed an upgrade." It's true! I slept with my feet on the pillow last night, and today the world economic crisis is totally gone. Who knew that was even bothering me?

Pearson followed the fitness plan of Tracy Anderson, the celebrity trainer with whom Gwyneth may be opening a chain of gyms, with the help of a professional trainer and a meal delivery service. She worked out for five weeks, six days per week, two hours per day, like Madonna does. Pearson notes that during those five weeks she almost vomited during workouts, aggravated her constantly aching left knee, and started avoiding stairs because it hurt too much to climb them. The workouts also took a huge toll on her personal life: she couldn't concentrate, her boyfriend broke up with her, she was too tired to maintain a social life, and she was constantly showering or doing laundry.

Though you might expect that Pearson would realize after going through this "nightmare" that such a gym routine wasn't worth it or condemn the society that demands our celebrities obsess about their weight, all Pearson takes from this experience is that we should have more respect for Gwyneth and Madonna. "Their tightly honed bodies were not achieved by swallowing a pill, from cigarettes, or cocaine. These ladies didn't take the easy way. They are in the gym every day sweating their guts out," writes Pearson. Apparently having a lower quality of life is worth it, as long as you're 10 pounds skinnier.

Ashley Pearson: I Did Madonna's Workout... And It Nearly Killed Me [Daily Mail]

1. They're boring. You know that friend who goes on a diet and then talks about nothing else? Fitness mags are like that friend, except the diet (and exercise plan) lasts forever. At least Glamour has stories about bipolar boyfriends and kept women in foreign countries to break up all the expensive shit. But in this month's Shape, even the sex feature is all about exercising and eating leafy greens. Hot.

2. They treat food like an enemy. Sure, fashion magazines have diet tips, but these are mere skirmishes compared to fitness magazines' nuclear war. Shape's editor says in this month's letter that the holidays are a time to enjoy food. But a few pages later, Shape calls this time of year a "diet danger zone" and baked potatoes a "fat and calorie minefield." Cheesecake is not a guy with a grenade hiding in your fridge. It's just a food. Eat it — or don't. But don't take Shape's bizarre and difficult advice and measure out your portion with a shot glass.

3. They remind you of your mortality. Look, times are hard. Everyone is worried. The last thing we want is to remember that our health is extremely tenuous and the most innocent-seeming habits might kill us. Unfortunately, fitness magazines have to put out an issue every month, so they need a constant supply of newer, weirder health scares. Shape's latest: petting your dog. It won't give you a cold, but it could give you E. coli. So play it safe and wrap your entire body in plastic. Cut two holes. One is for shoving in leafy greens. The other is for sex, but only because it's good for you.

And not knocking Fanny (heh), because she sounded pretty kick ass, but do you really need to work out 2 hours a day, five days a week, to be in shape? I work out several times a week, and do anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes when I exercise…and I feel pretty in shape. But I guess especially now that it's Olympic season, non-professional athletes like Yoffe, along with New York Times health writer Tara Parker-Pope, are ab-sessed with bodies like swimmer Dara Torres', she of the "perfect" stomach.

"As my colleagues at the Rings blog have noted, Ms. Torres and her 'phenomenally ripped' belly have become the “physical ideal for mothers, women at or approaching middle age, and just women in general," Parker-Pope writes. But then she also points out that Dara Torres spends $100,000 a year perfecting her physique and that 80-year-old actress Estelle Parsons, who "lifts weights, swims 30 minutes twice a week and takes a 30-minute bike ride on two other days," is a much better fitness icon for the average busy woman.

Is it way too much to ask that we just worry about our own bodies and fitness levels without comparing them to others' all the damn time? Not that I'm above it — I see these two girls at the gym all the time who are clearly marathon runners (um, not that I've eavesdropped on their conversations or anything), and every time I see them stretching their long legs I berate myself for not having that kind of motivation.

But you know, at the end of the day, they're still going to be running while I've already showered and am drinking margaritas with my friends. And honestly, who has the better end of the stick in that scenario?

Spandex Fantasy: I Have A Lifetime's Worth Of Flab. Can I Turn It Into Muscle In Four Months? [Slate]
Olympic Abs Versus Simple Fitness [NY Times]

Related: U.S. Viewers Tuning Into The 'Oblique Olympics' [Houston Chronicle]

•Your Diet

— Rene Todd talks about how she started dieting because, 3-4 months after her delivery, "there was no excuse for still wearing my maternity clothes." Except, maybe, you know, caring for a new baby (p. 32).
— Waiters and waitresses list all the terrible mistakes women make when eating food. We order "extra bread, always, and then ask for more." We "do funny trade-offs, such as ordering a salad but then having three or four margaritas." Gosh, we girls are so dumb! Luckily this feature also includes a bunch of classic ano tips like dipping the end of your fork in dressing instead of putting it on your salad. (p. 82)

— SELF recommends you "schedule a chocolate break." Which is easy if you melt the chocolate right onto your alarm clock. (p. 86)








•Your Wardrobe

— Like Glamour, SELF has a "fashion for every body type" feature (p. 72). SELF sets its version apart, however, by making it really hideous.
If you're curvy, for instance, it's disco time!












•Your Psyche

—"To stay focused and true to yourself," Lois Barth writes, "try creating a personal metaphor" — perhaps "an acrobat in a spangly leotard, spurring you to stretch yourself while squeezing in more fun." Because now even fun is something you need to "stay focused" on. (p. 21)
— You've heard of books that analyze your nightmares, but what about your daydreams? By definition these happen during the day, when you're conscious, but apparently they too need third-party interpretation. SELF's guide can help. For instance, if you're daydreaming about revenge, it might mean you don't like someone. Solution: volunteering! (p. 97)








•And, Most Importantly, Your Skin

— Don't drink from a water bottle — it will give you mouth wrinkles. Also, don't drink from a straw. (p. 48)
— Is your dull skin making you look OLD? You should probably try being happier. It's easy! Just "test different forms of stress relief to find what works for you." (p. 36) My favorite stress relief: not reading SELF — until next month.

The skirts are now popular enough that they outsell women's capris, shorts, and pants at New Balance, and they have their own seven-city race, called the SkirtChaser. Even men get into the act.

Armstrong writes that "one of the best things about being a woman today is that we have so many options. Whether we are in the boardroom, on the home front, or on the starting line, we can bring it on like a man, but it doesn't mean we have to look like one." To my mind, however, the skirt option sucks. It doesn't help that Armstrong never mentions any real comfort advantage, or that she felt self-conscious the first time she put one on. It certainly doesn't help that Runner's World includes a skirt guide that looks pretty much like any ladymag's tips for hiding your figure flaws, including the "very slimming" New Balance Flare Skirt and the prAna Sugar Mini Skirt, whose name looks suspiciously similar to the phrase "pro-ana".

But my main objection to running skirts is best expressed in the sidebar "A Dissenting View," by Ginny Graves:

I couldn't quit thinking about The Skirt. It looks better than I usually do when I go running, but that was part of the problem; my "nice outfit" meaning more aware of my appearance — the last thing I want to be distracted by when running.

I don't want to look cute while kicking butt. I would like kicking butt (or "slowly flailing," which is what I actually do in the pool), to be one of the few activities in life when I'm exempted from looking cute. Then again, I'm not a runner. Those of you who do run, would you try a running skirt? Better yet, has anyone done so already?

The Rise of Skirt Culture: Skirt Reviews And Fit Tips [Runner's World]

Jessica: completed five regulars.
Maria: failed to complete a regular, did seven "girl" style.
Jennifer: did none. Try the girl kinds, I offered. "i failed at those too. i also cannot do a headstand
if that matters. oh and add to list: i can neither ride a bike nor swim."
Megan: managed 10 girly-style before her back cracked. But she is hungover.

Me: I did five. My nose got really, really close to the floor, and I blame a dust ball for wrecking my concentration. Then I tried to do girl push-ups. Much effort was expended finding a towel and placing it on the ground so as not to punish my knees. I managed 22. Then Snoop Dogg appeared on The View and I needed to get up. I totally could have done thirty. Not that I ever will again.

• Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss and born-again goth writer Anne Rice are coming out to support Hillary Clinton for President. Heidi, who was turned away from a recent Clinton rally, says, "Any woman who's smart, how can you not be [a fan of Hillary]?" Something tells us that Rice, who has traded in writing vampire fiction for some Born Again crap, is not getting into any Hillary fundraisers either. [Las Vegas Review Journal]
  
• The immigration activist who sought refuge in a Chicago Church in order to remain with her son in the United States was arrested and deported back to Mexico this weekend. Apparently, family values don't apply to brown people. [NY Times]
  
• A British woman has claimed the record for oldest woman to give birth, at the age of 59. Funny thing is, she waited ten years to mention it. [Guardian]

• Scrawny models might not be the only thing to blame for anorexia. A recent survey found that 20% of eating disorder patients could be described as having a brain disorder on the autism spectrum. Like we needed a scientific study to tell us that Mary Kate Olsen is a little off — the whole "boho" thing confirmed that months ago. [Telegraph]
• Venice's first female gondolier is calling out her male counterparts for ripping off customers and destroying tradition. Actually, being rowed around Venice was ruined as a romantic activity the minute The Bachelor got it's dirty, grubby paws on it. [Telegraph]
• Proof that Minnesota is indeed a civilized place! The state just enacted a new law that would make it possible for family-planning organizations to purchase birth control in bulk through cooperative purchasing agreements, a move that will result in cutting the cost of birth control to the public by 50%. Convenient, considering the only thing to do in the middle of winter in Minnesota is fuck. [Feminist Daily News Wire]
• Non-stick cookware could result in low birth weights. So how are pregnant women expected to make the perfect pickle, goat cheese, and peanut butter omelet now? [Babble]
• Fuck the paranoia. Taking anti-depressants during pregnancy might not be so dangerous. [Babble]
• As we've pointed out a number of times, the anti-choice movement has been given too much power in spinning abortion research to support their wiggity-wack agenda. Women's Health News has a fabulous summary of some of their doozies. [Women's Health News]
• Sometimes we feel really pissed off about the country we live in, and rightfully so, but the story of this Kurdish woman makes us feel very grateful that we live in a place where at least you won't get stoned to death by a mob of men in front of police officers who sit back and do nothing and oh yeah someone films it and now it's on the fucking internet. [Feministe]
• Analyzing the analysis of Hillary Clinton's wardrobe in major news articles that, generally, have nothing to do with what she's wearing — fair, so long as we remember to mention how sexy John Edwards' $400 haircut is. [Star Tribune]

It's kind of tough getting a new angle on the tired old format of the exercise video, but yet again, our friends in Japan have succeeded where few dared to tread. Exercise yourself to superhero powers! Complete with bonus sinister laughing masked man in tights!