Jezebel: Fatwas

What Better Way To Celebrate Being An Iraqi Woman Than Blowing Shit Up?

Moe — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Remember when female suicide bombers seemed totally exotic? Well, there is one glass ceiling the Better Half of The Iraq has spent the past year detonating. Monday's bombing in Kirkuk, wherein four Sunni lady bombers sacrificed themselves to kill 57 and wound another 280 of their fellow first and second-class citizens, brings the year's tally of female suicide bombers to 24. Which means now is as good a time as any to reflect on some of the built-in advantages the ladies have over the dudes in this particular vocation. There is the obvious: that men aren't supposed to touch women or really even look at them, and that those robes can hide a multitude of C4. But the overlooked advantage is that the female bombers do not even need to summon the courage male martyrs do, because a lot of them "need" to die anyway, like if they have committed adultery or been raped. And that is where Al Qaeda has really gotten clever with its recruitment strategy: now the organization is are getting its male members to marry women, then allow other males to rape said women, which in turn "would leave her with no choice but to end her life."

So it's like with injured horses and Jell-O! Anyway, I know suicide bombers don't write notes, maybe because a good carnage photo speaks a thousand words as they say, but here is what I imagine one of them might have written:

Dear Allah,
Go to Hell.
If you existed I would ask to be reincarnated as the lesbian test tube spawn of Ayaan Hirsi Ali and Pamela Geller.

Or maybe:

Dear Allah,
And maybe bring back Lynndie England to guard my husband's cell.

Or:

Dear Allah,
I just don't see why the Sunnis and the Shiites can't come together to celebrate all the beliefs they share, such as the one about how women who have sex before marriage need to be killed. Come to think of it, a lot of religions commit "honor killings," right? How come no one ever stops and thinks about how much we all have in common?

Dear Allah,
Because then people would stop killing each other so much and spend all their time fucking. I get it.

Dear Allah,
If you pack our torsos with explosives, do we not bleed?
Rhetorical question.

Love, Blackmail and Rape: How Al Qaeda Grooms Women As "Perfect Weapons" [Times]
Muslim Extremist Women Fight For Right To Join Al Qaeda [CBS 13]
Why Women Become Suicide Bombers [Newsweek]

Photo via Photobucket

Dear Florida Governor Charlie Crist, If You Can't Charge Joe Francis With Hate Speech, Here's An Idea

Moe — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:00:39 EDT

Joel Stein's story about the jailbound Joe Francis in the April GQ begins with Joe remembering the first time they met one another, six years ago; God it was great. They'd been in the Girls Gone Wild tour bus, watching the crew tape some chick on a bunk bed. Joe had told Joel to fill a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle with water, and the girl poured it on her tits and shoved the neck of the bottle in her pussy, and sometime around then her cell phone rang. The number, she said, was her boyfriend's. So Joe Francis flipped it open gleefully — you can almost see him doing it — and announced his identity and that he was watching the caller's girlfriend shove a Mike's Hard Lemonade up her vagina. "His eyes went manic," Joel recalls of the moment, and no doubt they went manic again in fond memory of the event, because now he is in jail, although we can't seem to get rid of him, as evidenced by his charming statements touting his footage of famed Spitzer hooker Ashley Dupre at the tender age of 17: "Our footage is from when she was 18-years-old, and it doesn't get much better than that. Eliot Spitzer has put some miles on that girl!" But wait, the depressing part is here:

All the local Florida papers and Web sites are clogged with ads telling people to visit Meetjoefrancis.com, where they are directed to write a letter to Florida governor Charlie Crist, who has been so bombarded that he called Francis's lawyer and said he'd look into the case.

They have been bombarded because MeetJoeFrancis has a form that, with the mere addition of one's name and email address, will send this email to Charlie Crist's office:

Dear Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum & the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE):
As a citizen who cares deeply about due process and justice in our country, I am very concerned about the set of circumstances surrounding Joe Francis' criminal charges and incarceration without bail. At the very least there is the appearance of wide spread [sic] misconduct by public officials, including possible illegal acts enacted by officials such as State Attorney Steve Meadows in an effort to put Mr. Francis in jail and deprive him of his rights.

My concern in this matter is neither an approval nor disapproval of Girls Gone Wild as a lifestyle brand, but rather a concern that Florida public officials are using their own personal beliefs in order to selectively prosecute someone whom they disagree with.

For this reason I urge you to call upon the Florida Department of Law Enforcement to conduct an impartial investigation of the events surrounding the charges that have been brought against Joe Francis - both criminal and civil, beginning in 2003 and continuing into the present - and the forced civil settlement so that the public officials in Bay County will either be exonerated from any taint of impropriety, or be held accountable for any misdeeds.

Okay, Governor Charlie Crist, here is all we really have to say on this matter: I don't need to know your proclivities or personal beliefs, your feelings about whores or the moral degradation or the one's First Amendment Rights, but as a woman, I read about Joe Francis and begin to feel lightheaded and short of breath, as if someone is trying to choke me with my own bile. Is it possible what Joe Francis does might qualify not as pornography, but as hate speech? Please, especially if your eyes glaze over at the sort of casual misogyny with which he and so many others — many, I'm sure in your state — disdain the compliant young tartlets like Ashley Dupre, give some consideration to this quote:

Francis says jail is totally different from what he'd expected from movies. He's seen only one fight and hasn't heard of any sexual assaults. "Nothing will ever happen to me in jail. I'm a god. I'm the cool Girls Gone Wild guy. I'm revered. I'm a rock star," he says. Still, he avoids the other inmates, often going a week without talking to one. "The one thing I fear is one of these fucking people showing up at my house. I'm a different class. They're dumb. They're the people you see on Cops. Those are the people you see in jail."

And direct your assistant to set a special spam filter to catch all these mindless auto-petitions, so you can collect each and every one of emails used to send one and spam them in reply with, fuck, Barack Obama's speech. The past isn't dead and buried, in fact, it isn't even past. The only thing that is in the past is my tolerance for this motherfucker.

The Prisoner In Cell Block DD [GQ]

Meet Bikini Blogger Pamela Geller. She Is Like Ann Coulter Meets The Real Housewives. She Is Amazing.

Moe — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:00:00 EST

We are not going to beat around the, uh, pubes: we did not really dive into a piece on "5 Female Conservative Bloggers" expecting to find new role models/heroines for Jezebel readers to admire/encourage/etc.. But HOLY SHIT, how did we never hear of Pamela Geller? Pamela's blog is called Atlas Shrugs. She has an MBA. "I'm not a feminist, I'm an anti-feminist," she tells Right Wing News."That whole movement...is rooted in Marxist-Leninist propaganda." Today's post is basically about how Barack Obama is the tool of Colombian paramilitary drug cartels, Hugo Chavez and Al Qaeda. (Wait, actually, every post is about that.) But her big claim to internet fame came when she posted a video blog entry while wearing a bikini back in the summer of '06. See, she was in Israel, and she felt it was important to illustrate the fact that although the scrappy little underfunded self-defense outfit of Israel was in the throes of a bloody war with a colossal superhuman enemy no mortal thought they could ever beat, she wasn't yet being forced to don a burka. "They haven't declared Sharia law yet!" she says. Oh, please go watch this. Her accent is SO PRICELESS.

Apparently that turned her into some sort of conservative sex symbol. PLEASE ALLAH GRANT THIS WOMAN A REALITY SHOW NOW. In fact, put them all in the middle of Gaza and take away their passports and make them try to find food and cooking oil without crossing the border back into Israel. Oh look! She's friends with Coulter. Coulter can come! And Amanda Hasselbeck 2.0 Carpenter, you too. You think we missed your astute query over at Glamocracy the other day as to whether Mike Huckabee had ever witnessed a miracle? Nah, we just didn't get to it. You know, you always forget to pray to God until the moment comes that you need him to intervene and perform a miracle. Well God, that time is NOW. Get Divello on this shit. He's got some atoning to do.

Blogging While Female [RightWingNews]
Bikini Vlog [Atlas Shrugs]