Jezebel: Fast Food

Mississippi To Ban Fat People From Eating In Public!?

Moe — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:00:00 EST

The Mississippi State House is proposing a law that would ban restaurants from serving people with a BMI higher than 30. On one hand, of course, you could say that's no worse than laws preventing bartenders from serving another shot of whiskey to that guy who just chipped a tooth falling off his stool. On the other hand, of course, an obese person is not going to use the opportunity afforded by an unnecessary plate of chicken and dumplings to pinch the ass of the waitress, puke in the bathroom sink, take a piss next to your dumpster and ram into an oncoming car on the way home, so there's really not much of a comparison. More seriously though, would it work? Wouldn't the nation's fat people, faces hot with the shame of being weighed publicly on a scale outside the Outback Steakhouse, simply drive straight to the nearest convenience store and pick up a few pints of Karamel Sutra to cool off? Aren't our seriously fat citizens too poor to indulge in that much Panera bread anyway? Moreover, did Rep. W.T. Mayhall not hear? Americans are officially no longer the fats of the world. Just like with that whole economy racket, we're being surpassed by the Euros!

And Finland, Germany, Greece, Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Malta all have a higher proportion of overweight adults than the United States, according to a report by the International Obesity Task Force in 2005.

Seriously, WTF, Greece and Cyprus? So much for the Mediterranean diet! If you manage to get fat off olives and red wine, do you have any idea how fat you'd be if you were born in the land of the deep-fried Oreo???

Anyway, suffice it to say that no one expects the bill to pass, but you can't fault them for trying to combat obesity, which could result in mass foot amputations remember, in new and innovative ways. And obesity is not the only terrible societal ill they are targeting!

Many bills are likely to fall to the wayside, such as HB 282, which discourages restaurants from serving certain kinds of food to obese people, and HB 291, which authorizes castration as part of a sentence for a rape conviction.

I fucking love this country.

No Fat People Allowed: Only The Slim Will Be Allowed To Dine In Public! [JunkFoodScience]
EU Introduces Food Labeling To Cut Obesity Rates
Legislative Update, Week 3: Cigs And Cells [Jackson Free Press]
Related: Passenger Only Gets Half Her Seat On Delta Flight [Consumerist]

McDonald's: Men's Health Joins Jezebel In Lovin' It

Moe — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:00:05 EST

Men's Health rates the "Worst Foods In America" this month, accompanied by all these disgust-porn photos of the types of meals that seem like a really good idea when you're drunk. And guess who comes out a winner? That's right, my very favorite restaurant chain, McDonald's. Well, actually, Chick-fil-A was the big winner, as none of their entrees contains more than 500 calories, but don't they fund terrorism or somesuch? I don't know, you guys can Google that shit for me, but seriously, reading this story you will learn all sorts of pro-McDonald's factoids such as for the calories of a Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes platter you could eat five Egg McMuffins, and still have calories left over for a latte. Of the Chili's Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream, the magazine says:

Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three??

The only McDonald's food that made it onto the list was #20, the Chicken Selects Premium Breast strips (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce. But seriously, who actually orders that? It's nowhere near the dollar menu. Meanwhile, if you stick w. the old-fashioned McNuggets, you're actually having fewer calories, nugget for nugget, than you are with those Boca Chik'N Nuggets you can buy at Whole Foods for approximately $7.99 a box, the entire contents of which you will probably eat before breakfast if your hangovers are anything like mine.

Anyway, I'm not saying I don't loathe the fast food industry, the fucked up American food supply, the antibiotics in the cows, the hormones in the chickens, the illegal immigrant labor keeping all of it afloat. I do. Really, a lot. But I do love the knowledge that when Anna replaces me with some automated outrage robot programmed in Estonia I will be able to afford a delicious cheeseburger and a small bag of fries for less than two dollars while all those rich people downing 2,100 calorie On The Border Dos XX Fish Tacos totally get fat.

Everyone Should Just Give It Up And Join Us At McDonald's

Moe — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 10:58:08 EDT

Nostalgia time! We used to count our calories on the backs of takeout menus and dry cleaner coupons we left all over the house. (Our mom found this habit sooooooo charming!) We still know the caloric content of everything, to the point that we're like the food versions of those rock snobs who, say, will insist "A.M." is is Wilco's best album, in part just to be contrarian and in part because it's actually true and anyone who disagrees can borrow my iPod and listen to "Passenger Side" over and over. (Uh, so that's us too.) Example: "Vitamin water has just as many calories as Gatorade, you know." To which some frigtard will inevitably reply, "But it has less sugar," to which we will, also inevitably, stare at them with the kind of horror normal people reserve for statements like "Iraq funded 9/11." Which is all a long way of getting to the point that the government is starting to make restaurants count calories. Which we can only see as a way to get people to come with us to McDonald's!

Seriously guys, I know the fast food industry has, like, ruined the world and everything, but a 4-piece box of chicken McNuggets has fewer calories and more protein than a Luna bar and taste oh so much better on a hangover. And it's on the dollar menu so it's sort of like getting back at the government for all those years of nation-defiling agriculture subsidies.

Calorie Counts May Clarify Options, Not Actions [NY Times]

Finance Roundup: We Scan The Biz Pages So As To Stop Hating Ourselves

Moe — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 14:06:12 EDT

Sick of celebs — of the non Money Honey neo-P. Keaton variety — yet? Good, cause it's time for finance roundup, that thing we're doing so we don't lose all our neurons to the silicon-silicone vortex. (Get that? Please?) Basically the big news today is that the Fed Chief, who is no longer Alan Greenspan so we really don't trust him, has called a recession "unlikely" despite all the bad news for the housing market, meaning you may actually be able to afford those babydoll dresses and lumberjack flannels along with your rent this time around. But probably not. Because economic health is for rich people.

The WSJ blogs about The New Republic writing about how Freakonomics has ruined Economics. Steven Levitt's response is incredibly thorough and well put — NOT! We'd side with TNR on this one because we hated the 2.7 chapters we read of Freakonomics, but we can't really hate on economists for being "addicted to cleverness" when we're so addicted to... oh yeah, carbohydrates. [WSJ]

Macy's beats out Microsoft for the M ticker symbol on the New York Stock Exchange. This is fucking retarded, as far as we're concerned, namely because Bill Gates is practically Angelina when it comes to giving away money, and Federated Department Stores' name has only been "Macy's" for about five seconds, and well basically because Macys'. Totally. Sucks. [WSJ]

Chick-food hating Burger King does a solid for chicks, proverbial and actual, vowing to buy pork and eggs only from suppliers who vow not to keep their animals in crates and cages. [NYT]