grill of rights

Mississippi To Ban Fat People From Eating In Public!?

The Mississippi State House is proposing a law that would ban restaurants from serving people with a BMI higher than 30. On one hand, of course, you could say that's no worse than laws preventing bartenders from serving another shot of whiskey to that guy who just chipped a tooth falling off his stool. On the other hand, of course, an obese person is not going to use the opportunity afforded by an unnecessary plate of chicken and dumplings to pinch the ass of the waitress, puke in the bathroom sink, take a piss next to your dumpster and ram into an oncoming car on the way home, so there's really not much of a comparison. More seriously though, would it work? Wouldn't the nation's fat people, faces hot with the shame of being weighed publicly on a scale outside the Outback Steakhouse, simply drive straight to the nearest convenience store and pick up a few pints of Karamel Sutra to cool off? Aren't our seriously fat citizens too poor to indulge in that much Panera bread anyway? Moreover, did Rep. W.T. Mayhall not hear? Americans are officially no longer the fats of the world. Just like with that whole economy racket, we're being surpassed by the Euros! More »

dollarmenunaire boys club

McDonald's: Men's Health Joins Jezebel In Lovin' It

Men's Health rates the "Worst Foods In America" this month, accompanied by all these disgust-porn photos of the types of meals that seem like a really good idea when you're drunk. And guess who comes out a winner? That's right, my very favorite restaurant chain, McDonald's. Well, actually, Chick-fil-A was the big winner, as none of their entrees contains more than 500 calories, but don't they fund terrorism or somesuch? I don't know, you guys can Google that shit for me, but seriously, reading this story you will learn all sorts of pro-McDonald's factoids such as for the calories of a Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes platter you could eat five Egg McMuffins, and still have calories left over for a latte. Of the Chili's Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream, the magazine says:

Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three??

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caloric (what passes for) 'content'

Everyone Should Just Give It Up And Join Us At McDonald's

Nostalgia time! We used to count our calories on the backs of takeout menus and dry cleaner coupons we left all over the house. (Our mom found this habit sooooooo charming!) We still know the caloric content of everything, to the point that we're like the food versions of those rock snobs who, say, will insist "A.M." is is Wilco's best album, in part just to be contrarian and in part because it's actually true and anyone who disagrees can borrow my iPod and listen to "Passenger Side" over and over. (Uh, so that's us too.) Example: "Vitamin water has just as many calories as Gatorade, you know." To which some frigtard will inevitably reply, "But it has less sugar," to which we will, also inevitably, stare at them with the kind of horror normal people reserve for statements like "Iraq funded 9/11." Which is all a long way of getting to the point that the government is starting to make restaurants count calories. Which we can only see as a way to get people to come with us to McDonald's! More »

finance roundup

Finance Roundup: We Scan The Biz Pages So As To Stop Hating Ourselves

Sick of celebs — of the non Money Honey neo-P. Keaton variety — yet? Good, cause it's time for finance roundup, that thing we're doing so we don't lose all our neurons to the silicon-silicone vortex. (Get that? Please?) Basically the big news today is that the Fed Chief, who is no longer Alan Greenspan so we really don't trust him, has called a recession "unlikely" despite all the bad news for the housing market, meaning you may actually be able to afford those babydoll dresses and lumberjack flannels along with your rent this time around. But probably not. Because economic health is for rich people. More »