Jezebel: farts

Other People's Farts: Don't Let Your Good Manners Suffocate You

Tracie — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 18:00:00 EST

We typically utilize manners as a casual way to make others around us a little more comfortable. But there are certain occasions when we inexplicably feel it necessary to be polite to the point of our own discomfort. Like, when you're talking to someone, and they accidentally spit on you, and you don't wipe it off right away because, for some strange reason, it just seems rude. Meanwhile, you're unable to concentrate on what they're saying, because all you can think about is how you have someone's saliva dripping down your face. When it comes to embarrassing things like bodily functions, it seems we still haven't completely hammered out the rules of etiquette. Case in point: just last night, I was at a loss at what to do when I found myself sitting with one other person in a room that began filling up with an ungodly dense fog of stomach-turning gas — and they wasn't coming from me.

I had just finished eating take-out BBQ (pork ribs) with my fiancé (still hate that word), and had given some of the scraps to my dog because I knew it would be the most exciting part of her week. We were laying in bed watching TV and I got smacked in the face with this horrible, hot fart that was so disgusting that it barely seemed possible that it was even organic. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye to see if he was gonna mention it, but he just kept staring straight ahead at the television. A few minutes later, another, more lethal one arrived. This time, I got up and walked over to the other side of the room and pretended to look for something in my purse. He obviously didn't want to talk about what was going on with his ass, and I thought that since he was too embarrassed to talk about it, it would be even more more embarrassing for me to confront him on it. And I figured that if the smell was any indication, he must be in severe stomach pain.

Thirty minutes and about 15 more incidents like that later I started to get really annoyed. The farts were getting worse and more frequent, and it felt like they were altering the temperature in the room... and the stench was such that it was literally clouding my ability to complete a crossword puzzle. Finally, after another bomb was dropped, I slammed my book down in annoyance and looked at him. In a super bitchy tone I was like, "It stinks in here."

Then he said, "I know. I think Edie [the dog] is farting like crazy." I was like, "Wait, that's not you!?"

He said, "No way! I thought it was you, because I know you just got your period and you have diarrhea and I felt bad for you at first but then I realized that this is so bad that it can't be human." My heart warmed up like a pork-ribs dog fart at the idea that he 1.) knows that I get diarrhea on the first day of my period and 2.) he accepts it as a way of life. We kicked the dog out of the room and locked the door.

The moral of the story is that if we hadn't been so polite to each other, we wouldn't have had to sit in unimaginable stink for a good portion of the night. The problem though, is that farting, accidental spitting, hanging boogers, stinking up the bathroom, etc. are such taboo topics that even etiquette experts are too polite to discuss solutions for how to deal with such situations, so we're left to our own devices to make it up as we go along.

The silver lining is that now I'm mulling over my own etiquette rule for this (not just with my fiancé but with anyone that's stinking up the room with their asses): Ask the person you're with, in a really sympathetic way, furrowed brow and all, if they are feeling alright. Coming off as understanding of a belly ache will diffuse some of the embarrassment, and will also give them the hint to either plug it up or leave the room when they have to release. Then everyone will be able to breathe a little easier.

Hoda Kotb Loves A Good Fart Joke

Tracie — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:00:00 EDT

This morning, during the fourth hour of the Today show, or as we like to call it: "The Yenta Hour with Hoda and Kathie Lee," the gals were going over their favorite headlines of the day, and Hoda lost her shit when she reported on the story of the man in West Virginia who was arrested and charged with battery after he farted and waved the stink at a cop. The best part is that Hoda's preferred colloquialism for fart is "cut one." Clip above.

Earlier: Kathie Lee And Hoda's 4th Hour Of Today Is So Bad It's (Almost) Good

Three words (letters?): LOL. [The Smoking ...

Anna — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 11:20:00 EDT

Three words (letters?): LOL. [The Smoking Gun]

TGIFart

Maria — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:20:00 EDT

Sometimes we all just need to embrace our inner 12-year-old and giggle about the passing of intestinal gas. Therefore, the newest edition of the Farting Preacher is after the jump. "I'm just wowed enough to do what God says, that's why."

[via BoingBoing]

Tom Cruise On Oprah, Day 2: The Fart Scene In Rainman Was Totally Real

Tracie — Mon, 05 May 2008 20:00:00 EDT

Today was the second part of Oprah's two-day extravaganza with boring, sedentary Tom Cruise. This time, Tom actually came to Oprah's studio and appeared in front of her audience, and the whole thing was just a big ego stroke, as the entire show seemed to consist of pre-taped anecdotes and congratulatory well-wishes from other actors and directors who've worked with the actor over the past 25 years. The best tidbit, though, came from Tom's Rainman costar Dustin Hoffman, who revealed that the fart scene in the phone booth was actually ad libbed, after Dustin let a real stinky one rip. Clip above.

The Duke Spirit Frontwoman Leila Moss Talks Flowers, Farts And Female Masturbation

Slut Machine — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:20:00 EST

Leila Moss, lead singer of British rock band The Duke Spirit, sat down with us to discuss the pros and cons of Valentine's Day and what really goes on in a tour bus. (Seriously, any girl who speaks so casually about passing gas and playing with herself will always have a special place in our hearts.) Clip above, and check out their video for their new single "The Step and The Walk" from their album Neptune, due out in April.

It's Never Ladylike When Little Girls Loogie

Anna — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 11:00:00 EST

The Today Show's Meredith Vieira hosted a segment this morning about breaking children of their "gross" and "disgusting" habits — farting, burping, belching, nose-picking, scab-scratching (have you had your breakfast yet?) — and we learned that one way to cure kids from nose picking is to dip their fingers in lemon juice. (Also: teenagers who fart on purpose should their laptops taken away from them for a week!) Honestly, the entire segment, featuring clinical psychologist Ruth Peters, was hilarious, but we were most intrigued by Peters' assertion that there's an epidemic of preschool girls who are spitting in public because they simply need attention. Clip above.

Is Your Kid A Nose Picker? Cure Bad Habits [The Today Show]

Celebrity Rehab: Mary Carey Engages In A Different Kind Of Butt Play

Slut Machine — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:40:00 EST

Celebrity rehab is a kind of grave topic for a reality show, but leave it to porn star/former-gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey to provide the comic relief. On the first episode, her bags were searched and she had adult movies, vibrators, dildos, and a mold of her vagina confiscated (she brought that last one as a gift for someone), and, aside from the disappointment that masturbation would now be more difficult, she laughed the whole thing off. On last night's episode, Mary was goofing around with Jessica Sierra — the two were inexplicably wearing crazy-lady makeup — when she decided to fart. Loudly. This woman is clearly comfortable doing anything and everything in front of the camera. Clip above.

Farts Are Funny! Except, You Know, At The Gym, During Sex, Etc.

Anna — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 13:57:35 EDT

Farts are funny! In fact, just yesterday a certain Jezebel sister site passed on word (Hee hee! We said "passed") that Gawker Media contributor/blogger Slut Machine farted during sex for the first time. (Congratulations, Slut!) According to Slut Machine's blog (NSFW), she was simply doing her thing with her main man and poof: Out it came. But farts at the gym? Not so funny, we hear!

I was kicking ass on the treadmill at the gym, and was totally in the zone. It was awesome! Then, it hit my nostrils like a bee smacking the glass door. Worse even, it was one of those thick stanky rotten egg laced with some skunk clouds that you can practically taste and my mouth was open. Major disgusting! I gagged some and had to put my towel over my nose and mouth until the fart twister moved to the south.

That description — "major disgusting" even by our pathetic standards — comes courtesy of Stephanie Quilao, the blogger behind the blog Back In Skinny Jeans. Stephanie was so repulsed by the fart she encountered, that instead of, you know, simply switching machines, she stuck around to try and figure out who the culprit was.

Directly next to me was a tiny zaftig Mexican woman about 5'2" about late 40's-early 50's. I wanna call her Rosa. Next to her one treadmill apart was a tall Black man about 6'1" about my dad's age who looked like he could be Bill Cosby's cousin on his dad's side. I'll call him Frank.

(God, we just love it when people describe any black man over the age of 50 as resembling Bill Cosby. It's as if their ingrained fear of African-American males is replaced by nostalgia for multi-colored sweater-knits and 80s TV the minute a bald spot or grey hair is added to the mix.) Anyway, back to the topic at hand: Farts! Apparently they not only kill the mood in bed but at the gym. And women seem to be disproportionately disgusted/embarrassed by them. No more! Today is the day to clear the air, if you will! So take our poll, or, if your experience has not been adequately represented, (over)share in the comments — we can't think of everything, you know.

Blowing Hot Air [OneDAtATime]
Who Farted On The Treadmill? [BackInSkinnyJeans]