Ring...............$1,100
Cardigan...........$545
Dress................$978
Hat....................$295
Boots.................$150
Eye makeup.........$18
Makeup brush......$32

Total: $3,118

Cosmopolitan

Apparel: $14,128 (most expensive item: Gucci studded motorcycle jacket, $5,395; least expensive: Forever 21 wide-waistband mini, $19.80; average price: $239)

Accessories: $12,375 (most expensive item: Gucci embellished ankle bootees, $995; least expensive: Forever 21 necklace, $6.80; average price: $174)

Beauty: $1,184 (most expensive item: Elizabeth Arden Prevage Anti-Aging Treatment, $155; least expensive: Suave Vibrant Shine Mist, $2.49; average price: $25)

Other: Cosmo only listed one "other" item, the board game 'Them and Us', $19.99, which "pits men against women by having the teams answer questions about topics that are stereotypically male and female. [Some of the items listed on the card "Things Men Like to Buy" are alcohol, magazines, and meat. Under "Things Women Like to Do" we have eat chocolate, be put on a pedestal, and watch daytime TV.]

Total Shit: $26,548
Average: $148

Teen Vogue

Apparel: $33,377 (most expensive item: Dsquared2 shirt, $1,395; least expensive: American Apparel T-shirt, $15; average price: $276)

Accessories: $36,761 (most expensive item: Tiffany sapphire and platinum necklace, $1,750; least expensive: Hue tights, $11; average price: $278)

Beauty: $1,223 (most expensive item: Jean Paul Gualtier Ma Dame Eau De Toilette, $87 for 3.3oz; least expensive: Jessica Nail Polish in Windsor Castle, $7; average price: $45)

Other: $553 (most expensive item: Fujifilm Finepix Z20FD digital camera, $180; least expensive: Uniqlo umbrella, $8; average price: $92)

Total Shit: $71,914
Average: $251

Mama Vogue has trained you well, grasshopper!

Winner: Teen Vogue

Harper's Bazaar

Apparel: $931,929 (most expensive item: Michael Kors coat, $85,000; least expensive: American Apparel tights $14; average price: $3,006)

Accessories: $1,006,052 (most expensive item: LChopard necklace [in bizarre Tyra Banks as Michelle Obama shoot], $390,000; least expensive: Kenneth Jay Lane ring, $75; average price: $2313)

Beauty: $445 (most expensive item: Euoko W-31 Extreme White Concentrate Ampoules [basically: skin whitener], $710; least expensive item: Pantene Pro-V Beautiful Lengths Shampoo, $3.99; average price: $64)

Other: $355 (most expensive item: Elsa Peretti for Tiffany & Co. brush, $250; least expensive: Smithson of Bond Street notebook, $105; average price: $177.5 [there were only two "other" products in the mag])

Total Shit: $1,938,781
Average: $2,376




W

Apparel: $40,318 (most expensive item: Michael Kors sequined silk organza sheath, $10,000; least expensive: Blumarine sequined silk tank top, $2,165; average price: $6,720)

Accessories: $233,735 (most expensive item: Milus 18k rose gold and diamond watch with mother-of-pearl face, $91,000; least expensive: Anna Sheffield for Cole Haan sterling silver and coin bracelet, $295; average price: $6,678)

Beauty: $1000 [W only listed the price of one beauty product, La Prairie's Cellular Cream Platinum Rare. The price is on the cover under the line "What Recession?"]

Other: $10,875 (most expensive item: Kelly Wearstler one-of-kind brass and silver boxes adorned with crystals and semiprecious stones acquired by Wearstler during her travels, $3,950 to $6,500 [only seven boxes are in existence]; least expensive item: six-course lunch and dinner at the Biennale des Antiquaires in Paris, prepared by 10 top Paris chefs, starting price is $475 per person; average price: $3,625)

Total Shit: $285, 928
Average: $6,354

Harper's Bazaar beat W soundly in Total Shit, but can Bazaar's unaffordable shit really stand up W, in which 85% of the items fall into the category "if you have to ask, you can't afford it?" Considering that the average W item costs three times as much as a Harper's Bazaar item, it's a safe bet that if W listed prices, it could have come out on top. But since we cannot condone such unsportsmanlike behavior, W is disqualified.

Winner: Harper's Bazaar

And don't forget our Expensive Shit(fight) contest, in which we'll give $200 to the charity of choice of whoever correctly guesses the total amount of shit in the September issues of the ladymags.

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Harper's Bazaar Vs. W

Elle

Apparel: $573,038 (most expensive item: Chanel dress, $17,355; least expensive: Express t-shirt $17; average price: $1,897)

Accessories: $967,092 (most expensive item: Louis Vuitton diamond-encrusted watch, $135,000; least expensive: Payless pump, $28; average price: $2,671)

Beauty: $2,227 (most expensive item: Linea Pro C2 Digital Flatiron, $199; least expensive item: tie between Aussie Mega Hairspray and Herbal Essences Set Me Up Extra Hold Hairspray, both $3; average price: $30)

Other: $19,743 (most expensive item: Alexandra settee, $8,000; least expensive: Mallo cup candies, $1.50; average price: $1,161)

Total Shit: $1,562,100
Average: $2,072




Vogue

Apparel: $704,256 (most expensive item: Fendi 24K-gold mink coat, $64,300; least expensive: Brooks running bra $38; average price: $4,294)

Accessories: $237,889 (most expensive item: Maison Martin Margiela 18K-pink-gold cuff bracelet from Line 12, $18,395; least expensive: Speedo swim cap, $12; average price: $1,441)

Beauty: $107 (most expensive item: Missoni solid fragrance compact on a charm bracelet, $50; least expensive: YSL Gloss Pur in Noir, $28; average price: $36) [Vogue didn't give prices for most beauty products]

Other: $15,435 (most expensive item: [and best caption in the mag]: "Skunk is on reclaimed wood-and-steel table, $5,495, ABC Carpet & Home, NYC"; least expensive: yoga to the People class, suggested donation: $10 per class; average price: $702)

Total Shit: $957,687
Average: $2,705

Elle has Vogue beat in Total Shit, mostly on the strength of its accessories (just try telling time with that diamond-encrusted watch). But Vogue has a mink coat dipped in gold, and everyone knows that with fur AND gold, you just can't lose.

Winner: Vogue

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Elle Vs. Vogue

• Some anonymous collector just bought this Monet for $80.4 million from the kids of some famous collectors from Columbus, Indiana. No really, I thought it was a mistake too, but there really is a Columbus, Indiana, and before they died the couple who amassed this insane art collection were like the hipster royal family there. [NYT]
• A Druze border policeman killed himself in Israel while Sarkozy was watching and the family is asking that his name not be released, but like, I kind of think it's a little late for that. [Haaretz]
• I'm not saying we should adopt all Afghanistan's policies but $100 million just from taxing shit most countries pay hundreds of billions criminalizing sounds pretty tempting…[BBC
• Obama is polling creepily well right now, which makes me nervous, but can you blame the voters when McCain is out there straight-talking about how his offshore drilling ideas are kind of cheap psychological tricks? [MSNBC]

• Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, Anne Hathaway's boyfriend Rafaello Follieri hired priests, bought robes, fabricated "engineering plans" and bribed low-level Vatican tourism officials — along with some sort of Italian journalist — to make people think he was the chief financial officer of the Vatican, endowed with the unique privilege of selling off Catholic Church properties all over the world, only all of that was a complete load of shit and he knew essentially no one, and the fraud is kind of awe-inspiringly brazen, and thankfully New York decided to digest its juicy bits. [NY Mag]
• You know what, Nancy Pelosi? Amen. [Chicago Sun-Times]
• If all the world's millionaires lived in a single city it would have almost two million more people than New York and no fucking clue where to get its nails done. [Yahoo]
• "I don't go out as much as I used to. Instead of going to a bar I'll stay home and get a six-pack."A story on the dismal consumer sentiment numbers out today hits home to the blogger drinking a $3 22 ounce Sierra Nevada. [WSJ]
• Florida is trying to cut down on carbs. [Wash Post
  
  

"You shouldn't!" I yell at my laptop.

Muhlke tries, patiently, to explain that the bag was inspired by Jane Birkin, who had trouble keeping her shit together on planes, and the CEO of Hermes felt so sorry for her.
"And who is Jane Birkin?" Sam Tanenhaus wants to know.
"Jane Birkin," Muhlke replies, laughing, "was the wife, or possibly not actual wife of the French singer…please help me…"
ZOMG!
"…Serge Gainsbourg."

Yeah, exactly. The trappings of wealth are really fucking boring and no one fucking cares, not even the editor of T: The New York Times Style Magazine, and pretending that we really actually care because that's what the cool people do is just creating a dull class of international jet-setters who are all indistinguishably dull, and with that I'm going to leave you with two profound paragraphs from the Kira profile and the excerpt to Bringing Home The Birkin which will maybe bring some joy to going about the rest of your day poor.

More than ever, she’s right. A generation ago Russian teenagers were trading for jeans on the black market and listening to hopelessly out-of-date Billy Joel. But there’s no lag, anymore, between the culture that European and American teenagers consume and what makes its way to Russia. Kira and her friends vacillate between punk and pop and R&B with the same immediacy as their counterparts in Orange County or Leeds. They study photos of Lindsay Lohan’s leggings, Nicole Richie’s hair. Kira’s friends wear Abercrombie & Fitch, Topshop, and Hollister, bought during trips abroad or ordered on the Internet.

And here readers, the epiphany that inspired the writer to quit his job and start arbitraging overpriced handbags on eBay for a living:

But lately I found myself becoming more jaded by my globe-trotting. Not because of the silly things you always heard those bridge-club biddies bemoaning in the airport — it wasn't lost luggage or the lack of a proper bagel that had me down. I didn't mind the calculus of currency conversion or the etymology of exotic entrées. No, it wasn't the inconvenience inherent to travel that was burning me out. It was boredom. I had increasingly noticed a sinister sameness about each of these foreign cities. Before my very eyes, every place was turning into every place else.

The Russian-American Princess [NY Mag]
Bringing Home The Birkin [New York Times First Chapters]
Bag Man [New York Times]

Carrie
They say: "Carrie is carefree and fabulous with a truly romantic take on love and life. The eclectic Carrie Collection features floral print with animal print trim... [It] mixes hip, downtown style with vintage appeal. You can even pair it with your favorite jeans."

L to R: Carrie Collection, Betty Low Rise Thong, $36; Carrie Collection, Betty Bustier, $162.00; Carrie Collection, Betty Push-Up Bra, $86

L to R: Samantha Collection, Pearl Underwire Bra, $76; Samantha Collection, Pearl Garter Belt, $55; Samantha Collection, Pearl Low Rise Thong, $33

L to R: Charlotte Collection, Bamboo Camisole, $80; Charlotte Collection, Bamboo Long Pants, $100; Charlotte Collection, Bamboo Low Rise Thong, $22

L to R: Miranda Collection, Rosangel Low Rise Hotpants, $50; Miranda Collection, Rosangel Molded Bra, $62

Sex And The City Lingerie [Outblush]
Earlier: Sex And The City Really Is Full Of Expensive Shit

Dodai: I just wanted to point out that their slogan is not a joke. It's very very real.

Dodai: The Editor's letter begins, "I am what I've coined a 'serial miserablist.'" I stopped reading after that.
Pamela: "Miserabilist," "nitpicking about my body," people with "an ugly core," "an attack of gastritis." Um, isn't this supposed to be a fun magazine about kiddie clothes?

Dodai: This swingset looks great, huh? It's all natural, made from white cedar. And it rings up at an affordable $21,850.
Pamela: Just what you need when the local playground is crawling with untold numbers of germs and the unwashed masses of neighborhood toddlers.

Dodai: $648 worth of furniture for kids never looked so depressing. To hell with the planet: Bring on the bright plastic chairs! Kidding. Sort of.
Pamela: The designer baby furniture world is still mired in mid-century modern, which seems so 2005 now. My favorite is the abstract, minimalist rocking horse, oddly not featured here. It looks more like an abdominizer than a toy.

Dodai: The stroller on the left is $400; the stroller on the right is $759. As far as I can tell, neither are guaranteed to keep a kid from screaming his head off in the grocery store.
Pamela: The one on the right has its own catalog, filled with photos of hipster parents and nary a child in sight. It's all about us.

Dodai: Really? Parents want their infants dressed like Rod Stewart's baby? Really?
Pamela: Is this child from Rod's third or fourth batch? Fifth?!

Dodai: Ah, child models. One can almost smell the ennui from here.
Pamela: I am fairly certain I spot eye shadow. To think I waited until 8th grade before breaking into Ultima II.

Dodai: The feature story, "A Perfect World," is an interview and photo shoot with covermommy Christine Costner and son Cayden. It is TEN PAGES LONG. If I'd had the patience to read it I'm sure I would have found it fascinating.
Pamela: Cayden, Aiden, Braydon, Jayden. Will and Jada, look what you started! Please make this whole trend go away.

Dodai: Then again, maybe not.
Pamela: In this hard-hitting feature, Costner is described as "not just any actor," but "one of the world's most respected thespians." (Insert Native American whooping sounds here)

Dodai: Wow, Asian kids!
Pamela: Oh, parenting magazines love Asian babies. It's only when they get older that editors seem to decide they're "not cute" any more.

Dodai: Black kid! Redhead kid! Baby Couture is officially more diverse than Vogue.
Pamela: Working our collective nostalgia for 1986 Benetton.

Dodai: Saucy minx. She's totally going to tell all the kids in the sandbox she's a model.
Pamela: They'll rip off that bunny necklace in a flash. It's probably laced with lead anyway.

Dodai: Okay, enough already. I've officially reached baby overload. No. More. Thanks.
Pamela: Please tell me why this baby is wearing a shower cap. Oh, it's a bonnet. Doesn't make it any better.

Baby Couture Magazine [Baby Couture]

Related: Parenting, Inc.: How We Are Sold on $800 Strollers, Fetal Education, Baby Sign Language, Sleeping Coaches, Toddler Couture, and Diaper Wipe Warmers — and What It Means for Our Children [Amazon]
Pamela Paul's Website [PamelaPaul.com]

• Gwen Stefani's soon-to-be-released Harajuku Lovers fragrance collection comes with dolls that look just like her own Harajuku girl back-up dancers. WTF. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• OMG is Britney Spears going to "collaborate" on a clothing line with Ed Hardy? Like whoah. [Star]
  
• The newest Donatella-designed Versace watch retails for $226,800. Says Donatella: "Women don't really need a watch to tell time today — they have their cell phones and BlackBerries." You heard it straight from the horse's mouth: It's expensive shit you don't need. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Why does making your own deodorant actually sound like fun? [BellaSugar]

• More expensive shit: Armani luggage. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And more still: Pictures of Kate Moss's face. [Vogue UK]
• So-called upscale beauty brands Clarins, Kiehl's, Origins, Bare Escentuals and Bumble and Bumble are now selling their wares through so-called not-upscale mass retailer Target. The brands are all nervous about diluting their image. Don't they know? Getting something at Target is the new getting something at Bloomingdale's. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Why do watch brands need "ambassadors"? Um, here is an essay that explains it. [Financial Times]
• Bras: Big business in Britain. [Telegraph]
• Speaking of which, Agent Provocateur has relaunched their website and it is "steamy" and "raunchy" and "seamy." Enjoy! [Telegraph]
• For those of you deeply concerned about where all of Carla Bruni's clothes are coming from, rest assured: her rep says, that she "either borrows or buys. And it's all her personal budget. It's not the state budget. The same goes for her hair and makeup." [WWD, sub req'd]
• The amazing Chan Marshall (aka Cat Power) on being a "muse" to Karl Lagerfeld: "I don't think I'm a muse. I'm just like... A regular, maybe. Just a character in Karl's world." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Aw, tear! Hearst is starting a website called DonateMyDress.org where real-life Serena van der Woodsens can donate their old clothes to real-life Jenny Humphreys. No chance in hell the Blair Waldorfs are going to get in on the act. [WWD, 3rd item]
• Kim Stewart is the "face" of Ciate's paint pots, aka nail polish. When you see Kim Stewart, is a manicure is the first thing you think of? [Kiss And Makeup]
• The NYPD had a good time in Queens last night, confiscating $5.5 million in fake Burberry, Chanel, Coach, Fendi, Kate Spade, Gucci and Prada bags. [WWD, sub req'd]
• MAC is opening up something called a Pro Store that isn't just retail, but an "educational center" as well. Hmm, smells like a ruse to get you to spend more time at the counter, and more money on expensive shit. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Christian Louboutin: Now doing resort footwear. [Fashion Week Daily]
• This is what I look like in sunglasses. [Coutorture]

Let's face it. If you are a normal person, you do not have close to $800 to spend on a pair of shoes. And even if you did, you would probably be spending it on something you could wear over and over again, or, hell, something you could wear at all. (Forget "if you have to ask you can't afford it", this is "if you have to be mobile you can't afford it.")

"I feel horrible when my girls come in here and say, 'I can't spend this much on sandals,' " says one boutique owner, who spoke with the Los Angeles Times regarding the rising price of ridiculous shoes. "They think it's my fault, but I am paying these high prices too." Another LA boutique owner agrees. "When Chloé came on the scene, I remember noticing it. All of a sudden, every line started designing a shoe collection that was more elaborate and more expensive."

Why do women do it? Bankrupting themselves, making their tootsies uglier and forcing pain upon themselves for some perverse pleasure gotten from owning something so impractical, so debilitating, and so (we repeat) fug? Let us not forget the sagacious words of our favorite paper, London's Daily Mail, which explains the allure of high heels thusly: "Men like an exaggerated female figure." Yeah, my boyfriend who insists men aren't looking at my feet? Apparently he's right.

Whatsa Matter With Choo? [NY Observer]
Manolo Lovers Feel Financial Pain At the Pump [LA Times]
Life's Little Mysteries [Daily Mail]

[Image via Style.com]

Her determination about this endeavor, and the obvious joy she took in the knockoff Bottega's acquisition, quite disturbed a pretty friend of mine who was also on the press trip. It was so shallow! But fast forward two years, and said pretty friend shows up to meet me toting...a Bottega Veneta! What happened? Below, an exclusive interview with said friend as to how she learned to stop worrying and love conspicuous consumption.

MOE: You! I have to consult you about something. And that something is...your handbag.
  Your anonymity will be closely guarded.
 
PRETTYFRIEND: um, ok. go

MOE: Is it Bottega?

PRETTYFRIEND: ha! i'm glad you think that. i got it for $20 off the street before i went to barcelona in the fall. hahahahaha!
take that [PUBLICIST] "hong kkong" [PUBLICIST]

MOE: The thing that's so funny about this story is how it's like, "Bottega is all about understated logo free design."
And I'm thinking, if it gets knocked off, it is a fucking logo.

PRETTYFRIEND: "Instead of buying a $1,500 handbag that may be indistinguishable from versions selling for one tenth of the price, they may part with several thousand dollars for a piece that looks durable and worth the splurge."
ha!

MOE: I just don't understand, after a certain age, why you would buy something so that...people would know you spent a lot of money on it.

PRETTYFRIEND: isn't that mostly with the upwardly mobile middle class? like the black guy that has to get rims on his car because he lives in a neighborhood where that is necessary blah blah blah
with women, it's mostly handbags, shoes and sun glasses. god, sunglasses. when did they start selling for $600?

MOE: oh. my. god. serioulsy.
  SUNGLASSES
  THAT IS A POST.
  WTF SUNGLASSES?

PRETTYFRIEND: that is DEFINITELY a post
 
MOE: THE MARGIN ON SUNGLASSES MUST BE LIKE 99.999999%
 
PRETTYFRIEND: because even the cheap-o brands have their names on teh side so you immediately know NOT GUCCI

MOE: ok but here's the thing, the people who get rims are usually not middle class ...they are more like...what became of the middle class.

PRETTYFRIEND: true. maybe a better example are women and ridiculous shoes. i mean to a certain extent a black patent leather pump is just a black patent leather pump, right? unless it's a christian loubitan and then it's an $800 pump which also happens to have a read sole
  red sole

MOE: Right, but why do middle and upper-middle class educated professional women fall prey to the same silly forces we associate with the rims-weilding lumpen?
  rims-rolling, excuse me.
  And all this shit starts with the plutocracy anyway.
I suppose Toqueville could answer that. sigh american exceptionslism long sigh

PRETTYFRIEND: wait, i have to run. but i just want to say that i do own ridiculous shoes — and not just because one of my lesbian friends works at saks and could get me a 65% discount. i own them because i am in a group of friends where everyone owns them
  and they make my calves look fecking fantastic
and yes, when i get too drunk i start smoking
i am that girl
sigh

MOE: i love you

You'll Know How Much You Spent [NY Times]

• Does Anna Wintour love Amy Winehouse even more than Karl Lagerfeld does? Word on the street is that the singer who wouldn't go to rehab only to go to rehab has been offered $1 million to play at the Wintour-hosted Costume Institute Gala. But a rep says that can't be true since the Costume Institute Gala is supposed to be, you know, a benefit. For the children probably! [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Some outfit called the New Enthusiasm is spoofing Marc Jacobs and Juergen Teller, the guy who shoots all those ads of his, with John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg, and now everyone is wondering what could possibly be the motive behind such a peculiar stunt. We have no earthly idea! That is why we present you with this hyperlink, so you can further ponder what it all means. [Sassybella]
  
• Anya Hindmarch's London flagship was burgled last night, the second robbery the store has experienced in the past year. Can you think of a handbag designer whose inventory you would covet less than Anya's? Because I'm having trouble. [Vogue UK]
  
• Oh god, you know, just when this industry's political statements could not get any more absurd: Agent Provacateur's "Fair Trial My Arse" underwear. [Sassybella]
  
• Also, the rumors aren't true: Katie Homes is not designing for Armani. [E!]

• Model Lauren Bush's most trauma-ramatic moment? "[O]ne Passover when we were on Coney Island, New York, where lots of conservative Jews live. It was a swimwear shoot, but luckily the theme was Fifties so nothing was too scandalous. Anyway, a crowd of Hasidic teenagers surrounded the camera. I was so embarrassed, I felt like I was corrupting them on a religious holiday." [Times of London]
• Nordstrom is going green. And if you thought this wouldn't somehow involve a "collaboration" with a fancy designer you'd never heard of to design a reusable (and collectible!) shopping tote, well you would be wrong. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Alexander McQueen, hellbent on world domination, is showing not only in Paris, but in a mini-show in New York next week. [Vogue UK]
• Designer Adam Lippes is turning his Meatpacking District NYC store into an outpost for the ASPCA April 4-6, when the only thing you'll be able to do in the store is adopt a pooch who needs a good home. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Lululemon, the yogawear line that got into all that trouble when they said their garments were made of seaweed and, then, er, they weren't, is now issuing a line of running clothes which they claim contain sensors built into the garment that serve as a heart rate monitor. [WWD, 3rd item]
• Banana Republic is doing a limited edition eco-friendly collection of clothes in honor of Earth Day, on sale during the month of April. Um, what about the 11 other months in a year? [WWD, 1st item]
• And Club Monaco is issuing its first-ever swimwear collection, but it has absolutely nothing to do with Earth Day. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Philip Lim: Doing a trench coat for Coach. Yawn. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Designer Jasper Conran is moving on up: The Queen has tapped him to become an Officer of the British Empire. [Vogue UK]
• Expensive shit alert: A diamond-bedecked faucet! [Chic Report]
• And, um, Gmail: The Soap? [Chic Report]

According to the NY Times, in exchange for Skyy Vodka being the official spirit of the film, Houlihans is now also serving up Skyy Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha 'tinis. Other companies that have signed on for the film are Coty fragrances, Vitaminwater, Mercedes-Benz USA, and the jeweler H. Stern. Says Chris Carlisly, the marketing president for the film's distributor, New Line: "We've positioned this movie from the beginning as 'the Super Bowl for women'.. So we want to align only with those brands that make sense, that match up with the 'Sex and the City' brand, and extend our footprint, not duplicate it." We're not sure what footprints (other than carbon ones) have to do with this movie, but one thing is for sure: This ain't no film, it's a 2-hour commercial. Clarifies exec producer John Melfi: "It's not sticking a bowl of cereal or a Coca-Cola in front of the camera. It's organic to the lives of the ladies." Which we all know are totally devoid of any trace of reality anyway.

'Sex and the City' And Its Lasting Feminine Appeal [NYT]
For Rent [WWD, 1st item]

Earlier: Carrie Bradshaw's Wardrobe To be Both Sexy And Subsidized
M Week With A $4,000 Snakeskin Handbag

• Gisele appears on the cover of the April Vogue with...Lebron James. This is may seem like an historic event on par with, say, a black president, but that would belie how far we've come as a nation, revealed by the dead-first comment reacting to the news on our brother blog Deadspin: "That cover would have been much more fantastic if he had been dressed a la Andre french vogue. Oh Anna, Anna, Anna." Our take: Lebron probably exercises more influence over footwear and apparel sales than Anna Wintour and Gisele and Karl Lagerfeld combined. If Vogue really wanted to think outside the (heh) box, they'd make over Lebron's mom. [Deadspin]
  
• Christian Siriano update: found backers for his clothing line, had a fit meeting with Victoria Beckham yesterday, taping Leno tonight, and is slated for an Ugly Betty cameo. Surely nothing like this could end in anticlimax and obscurity? [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• Karl Lagerfeld on the just-opened Chanel Mobile Art pavillion: "It's a building, but also an object at the same time. It's like a sculpture you can walk in." [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Reese Witherspoon is the face of the new U by Ungaro fragrance, being licensed by Avon. Do you care? You so care, don't you. [WWD, sub req'd]

• Whitney is such a follower! Ms. Port, of The Hills fame, is starting her own clothing line, Eve & A, which will show party and cocktail wear. Her daddy is producing it, natch. Who's her daddy? You know, some rich guy. Why burden yourself with the data? [WWD, sub req'd]
• Liz Claiborne is still tanking despite the best efforts (and we can only imagine laserlike focus!) of Tim Gunn. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Pacific Sunwear is also suffering. [WSJ]
• Designer Alice Temperley is preg! [Vogue UK]
• Fashion illustrator (and husband of designer Isabel) Ruben Toledo on how he started his career: "All I knew is that I wanted to paint and draw and do art and be with Isabel—she is my leading inspiration and muse. And I knew that fashion was absurd." But hey, so's the universe, right? [Fashion Week Daily]
• I wanna Paul Smith ping-pong table. [Chic Report]
• And a 10,000-square foot billboard of Djimon Hounsou in his skivvies, oh yes. [Chic Report]
• Model May Anderson is the latest not-designer to play at design: She's started a denim line called Chicks with Guns. [FabSugar]
• How to rip hair off your body using common kitchen ingredients! [BellaSugar]
• Seeing a woman say "May my new curls make her feel choked with jealousy" and "Make him dump her tonight and come home with me" does not make me want to buy hair products. [Sassybella]
• Indian designer Prashant Verma based his entire fall collection on James Dean movies. [Yahoo]
• Yeah, we're skeptical that a pair of bike shorts has the power to ensure faster muscle recovery. [Business Week]

• "It's really a crime - it makes me weep every time." Daniel Craig, on having to get his Tom Ford suits dirty while filming James Bond movies. [Vogue UK]
  
• Blind item! "Which aging actress was the celebrity guest for a fashion function and made the moves on the company's powerful and handsome - but married - CEO? The company no longer works with her." [Page Six]
  
• Looks like ELLE International Creative Director Gilles Bensimon is on the masthead in name only; though Bensimon has historically shot every cover in the history of the American fashion magazine, his services were not needed for its upcoming April and May covers. Incidentally, Bensimon's contract is up come December. Any bets on whether they'll continue to keep him on the payroll? [WWD, 1st item]
  
• OMG the designs from this season's Project Runway [Yes, I'll be liveblogging the finale tonight] are up for auction online! [Fashion Week Daily]

• Gucci: Giving money for playgrounds in New York's Central Park. Think those playgrounds are on the Harlem or the 10021 side? [Fashion Week Daily]
• Expensive shit alert! The new Louis Vuitton watch retails for between $10,425 and $135,000. Obviously. [Fashon Week Daily]
• And in no shit news regarding expensive shit, Jezebel girl crush Dana Thomas has concluded that Louboutins are wicked overpriced. [Sassybella]
• Oh wait, more expensive shit: A Hermes car. Which retails for $2.35 million. [Men.style.com]
• Speaking of expensive shit, want your child to grow up with a penchant for it? Than read her a children's book chronicling the life of Coco Chanel. [Chic Report]
• Avril Lavigne the clothing line? No, please. [E!]
• Take that, Sarko: Donatella Versace with be outfitting Nicolas Sarkozy's ex Cecilia for her wedding this month to Richard Attias. Carla who? [WWD, 2nd item]
• Isaac Mizrahi: Used to hate beer! But now likes it. [WWD, 6th item]
• Men's cardigans are supposedly "back." I question making "back" synonymous with "in style." [Telegraph]
• May we all blame Kate Moss's new boyfriend for her recent fashion misses? Um, ok. [Daily Mail]
• Avon, Reese Witherspoon and the U.N.: All joining together to help empower women in the third world. No, we're not sure what those three parties really have to do with one another either. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Sure, profits are way down at Liz Claiborne, Inc but fret not: Execs all received cash bonuses at year-end in 2007. [WWD, 1st item]
• Tommy Hilfiger: Gonna start making its shoes in-house. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Online shoe mueseum! [Chic Report]

• Keith Richards for Louis Vuitton = Awesome. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Amy Winehouse played a Fendi party in Paris and talked about her mumps onstage before offering some gratitude to, like, someone: "Thanks for asking me to play. Whoever asked me to play." [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Meta Kate Olsen came dressed as Karl Lagerfeld for the Chanel show Friday. [WWD, 4th item]
  
• Miss J (Alexander of Top Model) to WaPo fashion critic Robin Givhan on a Nina Ricci model: "She has that hungry walk. She's mad because she's so hungry!" [Off the Runway]
  
• Formerly anorexic model Crystal Renn on why a girl's gotta eat: "How can you be happy if you're working out for five hours a day? People want to hire happy models. You need fat to think!" Um, modeling requires thought? [Telegraph]
  
• Who is the man who would wear Juicy Couture cologne? [BellaSugar]

• Sayeth Heidi Klum: "Victoria's Secret should do men's underwear, Seal would love that. Bloomers are just not cool, boxers are all right, but there are so many sexier things we could do for guys." Like, just get 'em naked? [Times of India]
• Expensive shit alert! The $110,000 purse, only at Bergdorf Goodman. [Chic Report]
• And on that note, Steve & Barry's (home of Sarah Jessica Parker's "Bitten" line) just received an $197 million loan from GE. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Agyness Deyn is England's best-dressed celeb. [Telegraph]
• Anna Wintour did not attend the Lanvin show in Paris on Friday. But French TV personality Mlle Agnes did...costumed as Wintour: "Getting through security was mighty speedy." [WWD, 2nd item]
• The perm is back! [Telegraph]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs: Helping people every day! Or at least designing scarves to benefit Dress for Success. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Donna Karan: Helping people every day! Or at least having a garage sale of her old shit in the name of charity. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Helena Christensen: Helping people every day! Or at least auctioning stamps with her kid's pic on them on eBay for charity. [Sassybella]
• Faced with the coming recession, women are cutting back on their spending habits before men are. [MediaPost]
• Yay for Lush for no longer using palm oil, since it's wicked bad for the environment. [Guardian]

L to R: Katherine wrap, $140; Jackie tube top, $42; Leggings, $48 / Jillian dress, $145 / Maura top, $85

Verdict: I like to wear leggings around my apartment. But even I wouldn't match them with a tube top; Why wear a burlap sack when you can wear a jersey sack? If your milkshake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard, you can always just show them your boobs.

L to R: Sophia dress, $145; London top, $100; Audrina dress, $150

Verdict: So when are you due? What? You're not pregnant? Sorry; Nouveau Flashdance; The poor man's Rami Kashou!

L to R: Britton top, $94; Bree tank, $75; Nicole skirt, $85

Verdict: How Contempo Casuals ca. 1993; Seriously, you can buy this but nicer at Target. Words I never thought I would say: A cheaper Amy Winehouse.

L to R: Whitney dress, $170; Natonia dresss, $150

Verdict: LC must not like Whitney very much as this is by far the ugliest look of the lot; This is probably your best bet of all the pieces, even though it cannot be worn by those with actual breasts.

• Clothing line Anchor Blue has signed Heidi Montag to be its new face. Because execs want to appeal to a "slightly older" demographic. No, really. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Would you like to be Erin O'Connor's escort to a show during London Fashion Week? Well lucky for you she's holding a contest with Vogue UK. To win her hand (or, you know, the seat next to her) all you have to do is compose her a poem. Start work-shopping those dirty limericks here! [Vogue UK]
  
• Thrilling/disturbing news: Steve & Barry's has inked a licensing deal allowing them to create and sell t-shirts bearing images and logos from The Little Rascals, The Andy Griffith Show, The Beverly Hillbillies, The Brady Bunch, The Love Boat, The Twilight Zone, Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Cheers and Beverly Hills 90210. And if you feel a twinge of sadness that the average Steve & Barry's customer has probably never known the joy of watching an episode of Laverne & Shirley, just think of the poor children in China who will be sewing them. [WWD, sub req'd]

• So the family of the actual Ossie Clark, whose namesake label was just revived during the opening of London Fashion Week, says they never gave anyone permission to use the house's name. And are now taking legal action. Awkward. [WWD, 4th item]
• Talk about expensive shit! Remember those Van Cleef & Arpels-Earnest Sewn jeans we told you about? They retail for between $9,700 and $11,300. Also, they are fug. [Fashion Week Daily]
• "I couldn't fit into my [Bill] Blass sample. I guess it's because I'm not an 18-year-old Russian." Socialite Plum Sykes: just like us! [Fashion Week Daily]
• Ooh la la: Heidi Klum and Seal on the cover of French ELLE! [Sassybella]
• Alessandra Gucci (daughter of dead Maurizio) is launching her own accessories line under the label AG, since the Gucci clan won't let any of its usurping-relatives use the family name to promote their own half-wit businesses. But Alessandra's business sounds less half-wit than most: It's all alligator handbags in pretty colors. And the girl does have a degree in economics, so good for her? [WWD, 2nd item]
• Perry Ellis revenues are down. Insert instinctual defensive remark about the halycon days of Marc Jacobs and his grunge collection. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Jones Apparel also doing not so good. That's a recession for you, folks! [Reuters]
• Liz Claiborne is thisclose to selling off Ellen Tracy to (who else) a private equity firm. The sale will fetch $50 million, which...seems kind of low, albeit to someone who will never see that kind of cash ever. [NY Post]

(Click on any image to enlarge)

Miu Miu

Louis Vuitton

Valentino

Reem Acra

Furla

Marc Jacobs

Prada

Visual Persuasion: The Role Of Images In Advertising [Google Books]
Related: a href="http://copyranter.blogspot.com/">The Copyranter
Paul Messaris [University of Pennsylvania]

Says handbag designer Orla Keily: "Looking forward, I think the whole idea of it-anything will be questioned, Whether it's a bag or a shoe, do you really have to have this thing at all? And what about making a personal choice, rather than one that's been dictated to you?" Well fashion is never about need; it's about want. And there will always be a new objet being shilled by the fashion industry, something designed to stir desire in consumers worldwide and simply sell more expensive shit. Expensive shit that everyone else already has.

But if it shoes are the new it bags, we may as well check 'em out: Do you love or loathe the Spring 2008 Prada shoes? After all, if you can't beat 'em...

Make Way For The It Shoe [Independent]

Earlier: Fashion Blogger Announces That "It" Bags Are (Finally) Dead

• Valentino on his final collection, showing tomorrow in Paris: "It's a happy collection. It's not a collection with tears in between." Right, because then it would be a bipolar collection, and at 12 minutes or so that's a lot for any audience to take. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• And in other last-Valentino-show-ever news, the designer included a portrait of himself in the invitation to tomorrow's show and also posed for pictures with every one of the seamstresses who helped create the collection so they could each have a keepsake of him. Aw? [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• Volvo created a new ad that for release in Switzerland [Wait, Switzerland is a big enough market to warrant its very own ads? Okay. -Moe] that shows its newest hatchback model being surrounded by Karl-look-a-likes snapping its photo. The real Karl: not amused! "They think I should be flattered, perhaps. It's not the chicest car I am promoting — without knowing I did it." Snap. [WWD, 3rd item]

• Abercrombie and Fitch's new underwear line Gilly Hicks: sells "underwear, not lingerie," with products that are "more boyish than boudoir," and it fancies itself as the anti-Victoria's Secret. [WWD, sub req'd]
• St. John CEO Glenn McMahon on his outlook for the upcoming year: "[E]verybody is very nervous about 2008." Now there's a feel-good attitude we can get behind! [WWD, sub req'd]
• Ellen Pompeo: "I love to aspire to be on the worst-dressed list!" [Fashion Week Daily]
• ELLE UK appoints Chloe Sevigny as "style adviser." Oy. [Guardian]
• Project Runway alum Malan Breton: still designing! [Chic Report]
• Oh Jesus, why is Madonna doing commercials for Sunsilk hair care products? Because there's a recession on and that $100 million LiveNation contract might not be enough to scrape by? [Sassybella]
• 15-year old Russian designer Kira Plastinina on her target market: "[P]retty much girls like me. They're 14 to 25 years old. They're active, they're — I don't know, cool. Like normal teenage girls, I guess." Suddenly we feel depressed. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Fashion line Chikara was created specifically for women who have undergone surgery for breast cancer. Suddenly, we feel somewhat redeemed. [WWD, sub req'd]

But is this kind of "anything goes" shopping really shocking? Even if you do have loads of money, not everything you need can be found at Neiman Marcus. Target has swept the nation with kooky ad campaigns and quality products, but in a world of $26,000 handbags, aren't all women just thankful the so-called "discount" stores like Target, Kmart and Wal-Mart carry items that are priced realistically?

High-Income Women Covet Luxury, Still Eye Bargains [Reuters]

• Kirsten Dunst looks almost as evil in these Miu Miu ads as we somehow believe she actually is. [Sassybella]
  
• The latest ads for British lingerie label Agent Provocateur features model Vahina Giocante playing "a bored housewife drawn into a love affair with a reform school tomboy." Um, based on this image, she doesn't look so tomboyish to us! [Vogue UK]
  
• First no black models, now no black customers: ck Calvin Klein Beauty Collection cosmetics for Caucasians only. [BellaSugar]
  
• This is what diplomatic disputes look like in Western Europe: The mayor of Paris v. H&M [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Donna Karan: Still trying to cure cancer through yoga with her Urban Zen initiative. [NYMag]

• Ooh, images from the Jovovich-Hawk for Target line. Yeaaaah, jury's still out. [Sassybella]
• Elle fashion director/ em>Project Runway judge Nina Garcia is no stranger to shilling for Blackberry, but now she's shilling a pink Blackberry. [Fashion Week Daily]
• This year, the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the dreams of a teenage girl named Yali, who had always longed to collaborate with Kate Spade in designing a handbag. "This was the most inspirational and gratifying experience of my life," says Yali. Um, so how's Yali holding up? What's her affliction? What's the prognosis? Yeah, they don't say. But Kate Spade ooh! [Fashion Week Daily]
• Diane von Furstenberg is now designing shoes. "My shoes are not just pretty accessories; they are functional and serve a purpose." Shoes? A purpose other than retail therapy? Shock. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Here's a handy place to hide your ill-gotten subprime mortgage hedge fund gains: a $18,000 belt. [UPI]
• Alexandre de Paris, Elizabeth Taylor's favorite hairstylist, passed away over the weekend at the age of 85. [Independent]

Like many modern women, I rarely have to cook. So kitchen time becomes a choice, a matter of self-expression rather than drudgery. Which makes all the gadgets fun. That may not have been the first thing our feminist foremothers were fighting for, but it's a more important victory than most of us realize.

Anyway, I love rice as much as anyone. And I love kitchens. I even sort of like cooking, and occasionally I even like buying things. But when it comes to "expression," words and art and gestures and time put in — like say, the number of labor hours it might cost to pay off an $886 rice cooker — carry a lot more meaning, and a potentially much bigger victory, than some mass-produced appliance, even one that comes from Japan.

So yeah, don't buy into this "self-expression" crap and take it easy and don't just throw your money at useless shit like I inevitably will this weekend.

Finding Joy In An $883 Rice Cooker [Huffington Post]

First I created an imaginary boyfriend who is modern, likes gadgets, and would appreciate a modest yet personal gift. I had no idea that a MasterCard gift card (below) would meet said imaginary boyfriend's needs.