Cosmopolitan

Apparel: $14,128 (most expensive item: Gucci studded motorcycle jacket, $5,395; least expensive: Forever 21 wide-waistband mini, $19.80; average price: $239)

Accessories: $12,375 (most expensive item: Gucci embellished ankle bootees, $995; least expensive: Forever 21 necklace, $6.80; average price: $174)

Beauty: $1,184 (most expensive item: Elizabeth Arden Prevage Anti-Aging Treatment, $155; least expensive: Suave Vibrant Shine Mist, $2.49; average price: $25)

Other: Cosmo only listed one "other" item, the board game 'Them and Us', $19.99, which "pits men against women by having the teams answer questions about topics that are stereotypically male and female. [Some of the items listed on the card "Things Men Like to Buy" are alcohol, magazines, and meat. Under "Things Women Like to Do" we have eat chocolate, be put on a pedestal, and watch daytime TV.]

Total Shit: $26,548
Average: $148

Teen Vogue

Apparel: $33,377 (most expensive item: Dsquared2 shirt, $1,395; least expensive: American Apparel T-shirt, $15; average price: $276)

Accessories: $36,761 (most expensive item: Tiffany sapphire and platinum necklace, $1,750; least expensive: Hue tights, $11; average price: $278)

Beauty: $1,223 (most expensive item: Jean Paul Gualtier Ma Dame Eau De Toilette, $87 for 3.3oz; least expensive: Jessica Nail Polish in Windsor Castle, $7; average price: $45)

Other: $553 (most expensive item: Fujifilm Finepix Z20FD digital camera, $180; least expensive: Uniqlo umbrella, $8; average price: $92)

Total Shit: $71,914
Average: $251

Mama Vogue has trained you well, grasshopper!

Winner: Teen Vogue

Allure

Apparel: $220,751 (most expensive item: Roberto Cavalli suede-and-lapin-lapis-and-lince [does anyone else think this sounds like some medieval spell?] fur coat, $20,275; least expensive: cotton nylon skirt, forever21.com, $19.80; average price: $2,299)

Accessories: $149,483 (most expensive item: Stephen Dweck sterling-silver necklace with citrine and horn, $19,200; least expensive: Rose rubber and crystal flip-flops, shopjamiekreitman.com, $55; average price: $1,643)

Beauty: $2,788 (most expensive item: tie between coloring services at Sally Hershberger Downtown and coloring services at Garren New York, both $300; least expensive: Crest Weekly Clean Intensive Cleaning Paste, $3.99; average price: $116)

[Allure had no "other" items.]

Total Shit: $373,022
Average: $1,768

Lucky

Apparel: $167,384 (most expensive item: Gucci viscose "Tasha" dress, $4,760; least expensive: tights, kushyfoot.com, $8; average price: $394)

Accessories: $155,608 (most expensive item: Gucci 18k gold charm bracelet, $5,050; least expensive: grosgrain belt, forever21.com, $7; average price: $408)

Beauty: $4,613 (most expensive item: Paul Mitchell Express 10n v.1 Dryer, $199; least expensive: Wet n Wild Silk Finish Lipstick, $2; average price: $26)

Other: $4,667 (most expensive item: tie between Garmin Navi 760 GPS and Samsung LN22A451 LCD HDTV [fewer letters next time, Samsung, kthxbai], both $600; least expensive: La Vie de la Vosgienne Lemon Drops, $3; average price: $272)

Total Shit: $332,272
Average: $332

Yes! Even with no "other" items and a poor showing in what should have been its strongest category, Allure comes from behind to vanquish Lucky, whose lowered total and average reveal it to be a plebeian publication by comparison. It's like when the Mighty Ducks transformed themselves from a ragtag bunch of loser kids into hockey champions! Except with more tinted moisturizer.

Winner: Allure

Marie Claire

Apparel: $187,881 (most expensive item: Emilio Pucci coat, $6450; least expensive: Hue tights $12.50; average price: $916)

Accessories: $265,283 (most expensive item: Burberry Prorsum alligator bag, $23,000; least expensive: Old Navy shoes, $19.50; average price: $1,074)

Beauty: $1,065 (most expensive item: Derek Lam for Kiehl's travel kit, $225; least expensive item: Sunsilk Captivating Curls Scrunching Mousse, $3.69; average price: $43)

Other: $5,294 (most expensive item: Louis Vuitton Monogram Vernis Pegase 50 [in layman's terms: a suitcase], $2,300; least expensive: Esteban Paris Vacuum Powder, $13.50 [Marie Claire calls this "carpet sweetener." I think this joke makes itself.] ; average price: $230)

Total Shit: $452,501
Average: $905

Glamour

Apparel: $761,928 (most expensive item: Michael Kors Furs coat, $15,000; least expensive: Bitten Sarah Jessica Parker cropped jacket, $15; average price: $7,256)

Accessories: $184,131 (most expensive item: Renee Lewis earrings, $19,000; Goody Modern Art Barrettes in Gold Rush, $4; average price: $1,334)

Beauty: $2,194 (most expensive item: Bespoke Featherweight Dryer, $200; least expensive item: Johnson's baby lotion, $2; average price: $26)

[Glamour had no "other" items.]

Total Shit: $948,253
Average: $2,909

Marie Claire makes a fine showing here, but Glamour comes out way ahead, even with no carpet sweeteners or expensive suitcases. With nothing in the "other" category, its win is even more impressive — like knocking out your opponent with one hand tied behind your back.

Winner: Glamour

Harper's Bazaar

Apparel: $931,929 (most expensive item: Michael Kors coat, $85,000; least expensive: American Apparel tights $14; average price: $3,006)

Accessories: $1,006,052 (most expensive item: LChopard necklace [in bizarre Tyra Banks as Michelle Obama shoot], $390,000; least expensive: Kenneth Jay Lane ring, $75; average price: $2313)

Beauty: $445 (most expensive item: Euoko W-31 Extreme White Concentrate Ampoules [basically: skin whitener], $710; least expensive item: Pantene Pro-V Beautiful Lengths Shampoo, $3.99; average price: $64)

Other: $355 (most expensive item: Elsa Peretti for Tiffany & Co. brush, $250; least expensive: Smithson of Bond Street notebook, $105; average price: $177.5 [there were only two "other" products in the mag])

Total Shit: $1,938,781
Average: $2,376




W

Apparel: $40,318 (most expensive item: Michael Kors sequined silk organza sheath, $10,000; least expensive: Blumarine sequined silk tank top, $2,165; average price: $6,720)

Accessories: $233,735 (most expensive item: Milus 18k rose gold and diamond watch with mother-of-pearl face, $91,000; least expensive: Anna Sheffield for Cole Haan sterling silver and coin bracelet, $295; average price: $6,678)

Beauty: $1000 [W only listed the price of one beauty product, La Prairie's Cellular Cream Platinum Rare. The price is on the cover under the line "What Recession?"]

Other: $10,875 (most expensive item: Kelly Wearstler one-of-kind brass and silver boxes adorned with crystals and semiprecious stones acquired by Wearstler during her travels, $3,950 to $6,500 [only seven boxes are in existence]; least expensive item: six-course lunch and dinner at the Biennale des Antiquaires in Paris, prepared by 10 top Paris chefs, starting price is $475 per person; average price: $3,625)

Total Shit: $285, 928
Average: $6,354

Harper's Bazaar beat W soundly in Total Shit, but can Bazaar's unaffordable shit really stand up W, in which 85% of the items fall into the category "if you have to ask, you can't afford it?" Considering that the average W item costs three times as much as a Harper's Bazaar item, it's a safe bet that if W listed prices, it could have come out on top. But since we cannot condone such unsportsmanlike behavior, W is disqualified.

Winner: Harper's Bazaar

And don't forget our Expensive Shit(fight) contest, in which we'll give $200 to the charity of choice of whoever correctly guesses the total amount of shit in the September issues of the ladymags.

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Harper's Bazaar Vs. W

We'll be adding up all of the totals from all of the major September mags (Elle, Vogue, Bazaar, Lucky, Glamour, Marie Claire, W, and Allure) into one whopping sum. (So far, Elle's Total Shit: $1,562,100 and Vogue's Total Shit: $957,687.)

The reader who can predict the final total dollar amount — without going over — will win a $200 donation to the charity of her or his choice. You may submit your guesses in the comments, and you have until 12 noon tomorrow, EDT.

Good luck, and remember: Mink. Dipped in gold.

Earlier: September Smackdown: Elle Vs. Vogue

Elle

Apparel: $573,038 (most expensive item: Chanel dress, $17,355; least expensive: Express t-shirt $17; average price: $1,897)

Accessories: $967,092 (most expensive item: Louis Vuitton diamond-encrusted watch, $135,000; least expensive: Payless pump, $28; average price: $2,671)

Beauty: $2,227 (most expensive item: Linea Pro C2 Digital Flatiron, $199; least expensive item: tie between Aussie Mega Hairspray and Herbal Essences Set Me Up Extra Hold Hairspray, both $3; average price: $30)

Other: $19,743 (most expensive item: Alexandra settee, $8,000; least expensive: Mallo cup candies, $1.50; average price: $1,161)

Total Shit: $1,562,100
Average: $2,072




Vogue

Apparel: $704,256 (most expensive item: Fendi 24K-gold mink coat, $64,300; least expensive: Brooks running bra $38; average price: $4,294)

Accessories: $237,889 (most expensive item: Maison Martin Margiela 18K-pink-gold cuff bracelet from Line 12, $18,395; least expensive: Speedo swim cap, $12; average price: $1,441)

Beauty: $107 (most expensive item: Missoni solid fragrance compact on a charm bracelet, $50; least expensive: YSL Gloss Pur in Noir, $28; average price: $36) [Vogue didn't give prices for most beauty products]

Other: $15,435 (most expensive item: [and best caption in the mag]: "Skunk is on reclaimed wood-and-steel table, $5,495, ABC Carpet & Home, NYC"; least expensive: yoga to the People class, suggested donation: $10 per class; average price: $702)

Total Shit: $957,687
Average: $2,705

Elle has Vogue beat in Total Shit, mostly on the strength of its accessories (just try telling time with that diamond-encrusted watch). But Vogue has a mink coat dipped in gold, and everyone knows that with fur AND gold, you just can't lose.

Winner: Vogue

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Elle Vs. Vogue

We use the pronoun "we" loosely, because in all honesty, Cheryl Campbell and Maria Mercedes — our interns — were the ones doing the (literal) heavy-lifting, a process that demanded hours and hours of note-taking, formatting of spreadsheets and gazing at marked-up designer merchandise made by poor people in far-off countries. Obviously, we will not be asking them to do this again. (At least not until next September!) But to honor their contributions, we asked both of them to tell us what they learned from wading chest-deep in women's magazine expensive shit. After the jump, see what they have to say, plus, we crown one magazine "Most Shameless September Ladymag" and detail the runners-up.

Most Shameless September Ladymag: Elle. Total Shit: $73,566,063

Runners-Up:
Glamour. Total Shit: $1,511,568
Vogue . Total Shit: $1,183,357
Harper's Bazaar. Total Shit: $1,043,716.53
W*. Total Shit: $731,843
Marie Claire. Total Shit: $515,291.67
Lucky. Total Shit: $274,502
Allure. Total Shit: $232,172.47
Teen Vogue. Total Shit: $74,458
Cosmopolitan. Total Shit: $27,636.64

*Note: Apparently, 75-80% of the items in the issue did not have accompanying prices. Intern Maria says tack on another $1 million to the above price and you're good to go.

Constantly reading the prices helped cock-block the lust I had for cropped jackets, oxford heels, high waisted pants, or whatever else these magazines are peddling for fall. I also may have learned something (cue violins): Magazines are full of shit. And some magazines you'd think would be shittier (Cosmo) were in fact less shitty than the ones you'd think would be shit-lite (Elle). Lastly, now that my eyes are trained to inadvertently beeline to a dollar sign anytime I flip a page, magazines kind of make me want to vomit a little bit in my soup.

One of the biggest surprises for me was that Vogue's number was a lot lower than I thought it was going to be (at the very least, I expected it to beat Glamour!). Another lesson I learned is that W magazine doesn't give prices for anything (just one page had prices for apparel, with a handful of other pages dedicated to accessories). Looking back, it doesn't really surprise me: W has more of a focus on "artistic" fashion spreads and probably doesn't want to be viewed as simply a fancy catalog. Also, you can't forget W's market: Monied individuals or people in the fashion industry, both of whom don't need to bother knowing the price of a YSL clutch. That said, adding up all the shit went from a being fun idea to a living hell: There were the fingers that were sprained transporting the magazines home, and, of course, the hours (and I mean hours) spent adding up useless crap over and over and over again. At one point, I decided that if I had to look at another Chanel Mary-Jane stiletto I was going to hurt someone.

Allure
Apparel: $123,263.99 (Most Expensive: $15,550 Armani Silk Dress. Least expensive: $14.50 J. Crew tank top)
Beauty: $482.99 (Most Expensive: $275 Armani Crema Nera. Least expensive: $24.99 L'Oreal Paris Skin Genesis Daily Treatment Serum Concentrate. Number of unpriced beauty items: 197).
Accessories: $105,365.50 (Most Expensive: $27,500 Chanel Alligator and Metal Satin Handbag. Least expensive: $14.50 Capezio cotton legwarmers)
Other: $3,059.99 (Most Expensive 249.99 Motorola Krazr cell phone. Least expensive: $110, Marine Thermal Back Facial at the La Vie Zen Spa)
Total Shit: $232,172.47

Marie Claire
Apparel: $260,587.03 (Most expensive: $96,830 Roberto Cavalli gown. Least expensive: $14.50 Alice Temperley for Target t-shirt)
Beauty: $1,581.99 (Most expensive: $300 Shisedo Bio-Performance Intensive Skin Corrective Program. Least expensive: $7.50 OPI nail polish)
Accessories: $253,010.70 (Most expensive: $17,800 Cartier watch. Least expensive: $11 Hue tights)
Other: $111.95 (Most expensive: $56 Sage candle. Least expensive: $36 Luxe bath crystals)
Total Shit: $515,291.67

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Harper's Bazaar Vs. W
Shameless September Ladymags: Cosmopolitan Vs. Teen Vogue
Shameless September Ladymags: Elle Vs. Vogue
Shameless September Ladymags: Lucky Vs. Glamour

Harper's Bazaar
Apparel: $686,476.50 (Most expensive item: $175,000 Dolce & Gabbana gown. Least expensive item: $26.50 Gap turtleneck)
Beauty: $1,939.56 (Most expensive item: $275 Giorgio Armani Crema Nera. Least expensive item: $2.99 Herbal Essences Body Envy Volumizing Mousse)
Accessories: $351,036.50 (Most expensive item: $30,000 Messiah by Michel Piranesi earrings. Least expensive item: $13.50 DKNY tights)
Other: $4,263.97 (Most expensive item: $1,800 Maria Antinori Inc. chair. Least expensive item: $9.97 album by The Killers)
Total Shit: $1,043,716.53

W
Apparel: $29,443 (Most expensive item: $8,665 Chloe coat. Least expensive item: $1,100 Yansi Fugel jacket)
Beauty: $1,025 (Most expensive item: $350 Prada fragrance. Least expensive item: $20 Laura Mercier Lip Stain)
Accessories: $581,940 (Most expensive item: $115,000 Buccellati earring. Least expensive item: $250 Mulberry leather gloves)
Other: $110,435 (Most expensive item: $110,00 Fred Leighton compact. Least expensive item: $280 one-night hotel stay in the Uma Ubud hotel in Bali)
Total Shit: $731,843
Note: Apparently, 75-80% of the items in the issue did not have accompanying prices. Intern Maria says tack on another $1 million to the above price and you're good to go.

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: 'Cosmopolitan' Vs. 'Teen Vogue'
Shameless September Ladymags: 'Elle' Vs. 'Vogue'
Shameless September Ladymags: 'Lucky' Vs. 'Glamour

Cosmopolitan
Apparel: $14,580.40 (Most expensive: $690 Behnaz Sarafpour skirt. Least expensive: tie between $39 Soulmates jacket, sweater from Express)
Beauty: $1,072.55 (Most expensive: $270 hairdryer. Least expensive: $3 Aussie gel spray)
Accessories: $11,937.69 (Most expensive: $675 Louis Vuitton shoes. Least expensive: $3 Forever 21 bangle)
Other: $46 (Most expensive: $30 vase from MoMA store. Least expensive: $16 Can candle)
Total Shit: $27,636.64

Teen Vogue
Apparel: $40,479 (Most expensive: tie between $1,995 Michael Kors sweater dress and same-price Chloe sweater. Least expensive: $8 Victoria's Secret Pink boy-shorts)
Beauty: $867 (Most expensive: $76 Stella McCartney 5 Benefits Moisturizing Cream. Least expensive: $5 Max Factor MaxEye Shadow)
Accessories: $28,457 (Most expensive: A.F. Vandevorst shawl, $1,795. Least expensive: $8 We Love Colors green tights)
Other: $4,655 (Most expensive: $1,299 Pierre Paulin Tulip chair by Artifort. Least expensive: $15 Fashionation mini stereo speakers)
Total Shit: $74,458

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: 'Lucky' Vs. 'Glamour'
Shameless September Ladymags: 'Elle' Vs. 'Vogue'

Vogue
Apparel: $825,764 (Most expensive: $61,000 Dolce & Gabbana beaded dress. Least expensive: $48 Splendid cotton shirt)
Accessories: $350,569 (Most expensive: $44,600 De Grisogono watch. Least expensive: $38 Wolford velvet leggings)
Beauty: $103 (Most expensive: $50 Lancome Destiny Cube. Least expensive, $25 Lancome Le Crayon Kohl Oriental Duo)
Other: $6921 (Most expensive: $1,830 Gothic armchair. Least expensive: $20 Mary Mulcahy napkins)
Total Shit: $1,183,357

Elle
Apparel: $263,368 (Most expensive: $5290 Carolina Herrera Wool Coat. Least expensive: $25 Isaac Mizrahi for Target shirt)
Accessories: $301,116 (Most expensive: $6,400 Betteridge equestrian brooch. Least expensive: $7 socks by Ralph Lauren)
Beauty: $364 (Most expensive: $188 Dermaquest Peptide serum. Least expensive: $6 Prada face wipe)
Other: $73,001,215 (Most expensive: $73 million Mark Rothko painting. Least expensive: $15 old-school telephone)
Total Shit: $73,566,063 ($566,063 without painting)

Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: 'Lucky' Vs. 'Glamour'

Glamour
Apparel: $134,648
Accessories: $1,109,270
Beauty: $1,796
Other: $265,864
Total Shit: $1,511,568

Lucky
Apparel: $134,355
Accessories: $133,372
Beauty: $5,949
Other: $826
Total Shit: $274,502

Check back later for specifics on just what some of the expensive shit totaled above actually is.

Related: It's Another Sweet September For Fashion Mags [AdAge]
Faces & Names [WWD]
Who's That Girl? [NY Post]
Scoping Out The September Issues: Glamour [GlossedOver]