Of course, if you're in the habit of mining the wreck that is your personal life for your work, it's fairly difficult to never talk about an ex. Is it particularly mature to make fun of an ex because of his name or because he didn't know better than to try to face fuck you or because he kept standing you up? Probably not. On the other hand, I was writing those stories for what they said about me, and my relationships, and my own idiocy — and, because, now, they're funny to me. They're not intended to be mean-spirited, or floated out there as revenge or even to put me in a positive light. I puked on a guy named Ralph, I lacked the common sense to stay out of a sexual situation with an inexperienced and inattentive guy, I allowed someone to stand me up more than once. Don't you see, it's all about me!

The real problem, though, is that, like too many writers — in addition to having a strange sense of humor and way too much time to think about my failed relationships — I'm also an incredible narcissist... which is apparently how I turned a post about someone slagging on his ex into a post about me doing the exact opposite thing.

Man Who Slammed Ex Online Faces Libel [CBS News]

Earlier: What Name Could You Never F*ck?
There Ought To Be A Sign
Why Am I Supposed To Date Older Men, Again?

It's not unusual for two girlfriends to break up — it sucks, but it's not unusual. And I've had friendships cool, certainly, particularly when the woman (or dude) in question is the type who disappears when she/he has a Man. But I've never felt quite as discarded and devalued as when a male friend (normally an ex that I've gone through emotional hell with in order to stay friends) friend-dumps me because his new girlfriend/wife doesn't like us being friends. Especially when it's an ex, especially when you've already done the break-up emotions once and come out the other side into a decent and occasionally even close friendship, it sucks because it's being dumped for being a girl.

This has happened to me three times, and only once has any (minimal) contact ever been re-established. The first time was with my friend Rob — we had one of those emotionally intense, on-again-off-again relationships in college at the end of which the best friend of the girl-he'd-dumped-me-for-that-he-dumped-for-me described in detail overlap and what he'd said about me to me and 5 colleagues at a work event. I told him I was done for good and actually meant it. But it had been a year that meant a lot to us both and we worked really hard to stay friends, right up until he started dating "Lisa." Lisa was not a fan of mine and situation was not helped when he introduced us and then told her later that we'd had a "passionate on-again, off-again relationship" for more than a year. After that, I didn't see much of him until graduation. When I hugged him to say goodbye for what I thought was for good, she stomped her foot, pitched a hissy and insisted on leaving. They broke up 3 months later and our friendship got a lot closer. Two years later, they got back together and got married. After announcing his engagement to me, he stopped speaking to me entirely. At that point, we'd been friends for 3 years longer than we'd ever been lovers and I had a serious relationship of my own, but she told him that if she was his wife, then he had to cut ties and he did — without saying a word. He simply fell off the face of the earth (though he did call me for my birthday 3 years later to apologize and explain that he'd done it for her).

The second time was with Tom, who I considered to be my first adult relationship. We'd been friends for 3 years, dated for almost 2 and stayed friends for more than a year after that, hanging out in New York when I was there and talking on the phone. All that changed when he got together with "Sara," herself a long-time friend of his. Suddenly, he didn't pick up the phone when he saw my number, didn't return an email, never called back. Nine months into radio silence, he called to tell me he and Sara were getting married and she didn't approve of us being friends and that was the end of 6 years of (mostly) friendship.

The last time was with Mike, who I dated for 3 years. It was headed in a rather serious direction when he decided he wanted to make sure I was The One — an undertaking he took through personal ads on the Internet which I subsequently discovered. Much crying later, we broke up — after which I slept in his bed (platonically) for a week. We kept hanging out, kept lines of communication open, worked really hard to get past that awkward stage of what you really tell the other person and finally arrived somewhere pretty good where we could get dinner and laugh and tell stories, talk on the phone, and see each other at parties and feel good about it. And then along came The Accountant. That's all he ever called her to me, but soon after, the dinners stopped, and the phone calls got less frequent and the emails didn't get returned. Six months later, I saw him on a subway platform and he acted as though I didn't exist. Three years together and a year of being friends and I was relegated to the status of someone he preferred not to know (even though he was the one who'd done me wrong).

I mean, I know I can't say for sure that Lisa or Sara or The Accountant asked for me to be gotten rid of, or whether Rob, Tom and Mike just decided it was too much trouble to keep me around and deal with jealousy or conversations or even just the non-existent threat of those (but, having met Lisa and Sara, I have a pretty good idea it was the former). I'm sure I could've tried dating and being friends with men with the balls to say "She is my friend, and she's no threat to us so please trust me and get to know her and stop treating me as though I will be unfaithful," but that's another problem. But if you're that woman who is pressuring a boyfriend to dump his female friends, just know that some of us actually aren't interested in getting back together with our exes. Sometimes, us ex-girlfriend types might actually appreciate your boyfriend as a friend, as a person who's known us better than average and has a welcome perspective on our friendship. And then maybe think about how you felt the last time a friend ditched you for a boyfriend or a girlfriend and invite me for a drink. I'm actually a pretty good friend.
Photo via Susan & Her 5d

Though this article is entirely depressing and mostly pointless, Gold's exploration does beg the question: is it ever productive to reconnect with your exes?

Unless there are specific circumstances, the answer is usually no, it's not productive or at all satisfying. If you're trying to contact an ex because you want to know why he or she broke up with you, you will never get an answer that feels good or useful. For whatever reason, the person just didn't like you anymore. Even if he or she could articulate the reason, it's likely something that you couldn't change, and why should you try? Love yourself the way you are! Not the way some asshat wanted you to be!

If you've reconnected with an ex because you want to enact revenge or show the person how great you are now, that doesn't really work out either, as Gold's essay shows. She did, in fact, meet "Adam" again recently. He's married. But that doesn't stop him from trying to fuck her!

We walk in the park, then go to a gallery. We are behaving like teenagers, trying to impress each other, and we are almost angry at each other for being so excited. We are on a date, and it is much more fun than it used to be, because we are not in a damp squat infested by cardboard furniture and strange bearded men. He walks me to the tube and I clutch his shoulders and hug him. He bends his head and gives me a slightly slimy kiss on the mouth. "When can I call you without being a stalker?" he asks. I feel triumphant. My 14-year-old has beaten his 19-year-old to a pulp; somewhere, my Miss Selfridge skirt is cheering.

Um…yeah. Hopefully, someday Gold realizes this is a Pyrrhic victory. For now, let her be a cautionary tale. No good can come of the manufactured ex-loverreunion!

Remembrance Of Flings Past [Guardian]

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

Earlier: Dr. Ruth Personally Advises Us On Period Sex

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

A few years back, I was living with a boyfriend who was a super sweet, super funny, all-around nice guy. And I broke up with him. We're too young, I need to work on myself, it's not you, it's me, I said. And I meant it. I had nothing but great things to say about him. And that's why, a few years later, when he contacted me out of the blue and wanted to "grab a drink" after work, I was excited and said sure. But as we sat in a pizza place talking about our jobs, I saw a flash of silver on his hand. On his finger. I think a bite of cheese fell out of my mouth. "Are you married?" I blurted. "Yeah, I am, I was kind of waiting for the right minute to tell you," he said. Approximately three thousand thoughts and emotions flooded my body, including questions like: Why didn't he tell me before he tied the knot? Why did we break up again? Meaning: Why did I break up with him? Why am I so shocked? Why is he so nonchalant? Do I wish I were married to him? Do I wish I still had the chance to be? Why am I still single? Why am I freaking out? Why do I care? That night, instead of answers, I had a few cocktails.

But today, I found myself wondering: How does the most famous almost-bride feel about her almost-groom tying the knot? And what is it about finding out an ex has gotten hitched that can rock your world?

Report: Runaway Bride's Ex-Fiance Marries [USA Today]
'Runaway Bride''s Ex-Fiancé Gets Married [People]