MEGAN: Oh, my GOD, it's finally the end of the week and I can sleep in tomorrow like a normal person! If I don't fall asleep on my couch between now and then.

JASON: Sleep keeps clutching at my brain, too. If I don't stay frosty, I'm going to doze right off. You'll know when all of the sudden the IM window is filled with u,mgugggggggggggggggggg...
That was just a drill. Sleeping in is good. I'm assuming you aren't signed up for The Single Most Pressing and Critical Text Message Of World History?

MEGAN: I did my whole radio interview this morning praying that what my sleep-deprived mind was saying made sense. Honestly, I get so much email from the campaign already, I sorta didn't want them to have my cell phone, too. But after one of my friends got pranked the other night, I'm glad I am not.

JASON: It's going to be an awful lot of build-up if it's just Evan Bayh. I mean, I'm pretty sure that when Evan was born, Birch was just sorta, "Meh. Okay I guess."

MEGAN: I think the problem is just that Evan is bored. Like, life of privilege, became a Senator and it's like... now what?

JASON: But I guess the new new thing is this counterintuitive walkaround, stipulating that one of the smartest moves Obama can make is to put HRC on the ticket. This is something I agreed to consider yesterday, "like we were sad drunks staring at the sunset at The End Of Days."

MEGAN: You know, one of my friends has been darkly hinting at this for several days. It would be an utter shock, no? And the one thing McCain couldn't possibly counter at this stage with so many ideas having been floated. Not even getting Petraeus to run would trump that in terms of media coverage, etc. It would be better for his numbers than if he'd even taken her in the first place.

JASON: Yes. And it's been pointed out that as far as McCain raising money on Hillary, he's only got a week to get it, then he's only got a week to spend it.

MEGAN: Although, I'm going to say that I don't think it jives with his statements that it's about finding someone without an ego who's not about self-aggrandizement. But, then, frankly, none of the top supposed choices jive with that except maybe Tim Kaine and even that's stretching it. Oooh, that's right, As of September 4th, McCain's gotta rely on public funds alone.

JASON: Yeah. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it weren't someone on the Bayh-Biden-Kaine axis. But I'd say it's rather unlikely it would be Clinton, so it looks like the DNC is going to have to have its LET'S GET CLOSURE party. That's what Ed Rendell wants anyway! He is, by the way, a fucking DOPE and there's no way around it. "Oh, sure, Ed! You know, we only have the FOUR DAYS every FOUR YEARS to talk to the American people, but FUCK IT. You go ahead and have your little hue and cry. I guess that's more important. You work things out, you fucking dope! We'll wait! The goddamned country isn't doing anything important."

MEGAN: Hey, you know, when you gotta cry, you gotta cry. I mean I think the real problem isn't going to be Ed Rendell nearly as much as it's going to be having it go smoothly. There's no way you're not going to have the stupid people there, like the ones that went to the Unity, NH speech Clinton and Obama gave together and made a big point of stuffing their fingers in their ears when Obama spoke. You know that childish shit is going to go on, and every reporter (me included) is going to be looking for it. I did, however, enjoy the Kos-ian takedown of the PUMA fundraising claims. That was kind of awesome. Also, I've been stalking Will Bower's Facebook profile for a while. That's a weird, weird dude. And if that doesn't make you cringe, try this.

JASON: OH SWEET JEEBUS. Words fail. What a hot tranny mess. The childish shit will probably be kicking off early when the DNC platform committee meets. I read that Kos diary, too, and was like "Woo!" But then I realized that Bower was probably all, "OMG they wrote about me on Kos! My life is so magical! It's like I crap Drew Barrymores! MeeeEEEeeee! MEEEEEEE!"

MEGAN: This I think proves your point.

JASON: True story. My wife, Caroline, was showing me a print ad yesterday, don't remember exactly what it was...think it was a Nike ad. And she said, "This isn't a very effective ad. When I see shoes superimposed on a wild cat, I don't think "Nike", I think "Puma." And I almost said, "You know, 'PUMA' is the term the Hillary crazies give themselves. It stands for 'Party Unity My Ass'...but then I stopped myself. I realized, "Caroline doesn't know about these jacakanapes! She has no idea they even exist!" That's like living in a motherfucking state of grace! So I didn't share that detail. And so I say, suck it, Pumas! You remain unknown, not the center of attention, to at least somebody!

MEGAN: It sounds like you conned a completely normal person into marrying you. She must be nice.

JASON: She's super nice! And super salty! She's a TOTAL Jezebel.

MEGAN: Sweet! Tell her to get into the comments, everyone else does! If, by the way, you're not done shuddering in despair, you should check out the results of the hissing cockroach candidate roach race. And, we should probably also talk about how Democrats are finding Hillary's Obamania a little tepid these days.

JASON: That hissing cockroach story is hilarious:

"The roach race Thursday was part of the New Jersey Pest Management Association's annual clinic and trade show."

Well, of course! I have a sawbuck down on "Cindy McCain" in the trollop-faced beetle race.

MEGAN: But she's facing the "angry black" cockroach Michelle Obama, and you know what everyone says happens when you piss off an already-angry black lady. At least, that's what Fox News keeps telling me.

JASON: The tepidity comes from things like Dope Rendell, and Tony Rodham meeting with Carly Fiorina, and Bill Clinton being an underminer. You know, if she got on the ticket, Bill would probably immediately start saying things like, "Barack Obama is like the mulatto son I never had! He's awesome! He's like a delicious sundae of leadership!"

MEGAN: Would he want to lick him like a lollipop? (Why, yes, I have had that song in my head for 24 full hours, thanks Lil Wayne.) Drink him like a shitty Pinot Noir hyped by a bullshit magazine? Sorry, I have a severe hatred for people that walk into a wine bar with 3 dozen choices and order "the" pinot noir. Fucking a, people, Sideways was a film. About a guy you wouldn't talk to in real life if you could avoid it.
Spencer was probably right about me being a wine-swilling asshole.

JASON: By the way, you saw how McCain got...uhm...what's the word? Oh, yeah! TESTY? When he got called out on his many, many homes? My response, if I were the Obama campaign, would have been, "Hey, now. DON'T LOSE YOUR BEARINGS. Remember how you said those "Celebrity" ads were just having a little fun? Well, we're just having ourselves some fun." He really freaked out! "OH YEAH WELL...rrrrrRRRREEEEEZZZZKOOOO! BLAAAARGH!"

MEGAN: I not only saw it, I pointed out that his response about spending 5 years in a prison was almost word-for-word what he said in 1982 when he was called a carpetbagger for running for Senate in a state he'd hardly ever lived in.

JASON: I DON'T NEED A HOOK FOR THIS SHIT: He'll have his hand on the nuclear football, people. Just putting it out there.

MEGAN: Well, luckily he can't throw it very far, what with being unable to raise his arms above his shoulders. YES I WENT THERE.

JASON: OOOHHH, YA BURNT! McCain should really try to shoot the moon with that war hero shit. I mean, I want to find him ankle deep in the blood of a drifter, saying, "My friends, I was tortured by gay Vietcong for five years!" DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!
Balk points out, by the way:

"In the last four presidential elections, decorated military veterans lost to candidates who had actively dodged serving in conflict abroad. How much longer do we have to pretend that military service confers some kind of advantage with the electorate?"

Don't forget to DIGG that, Jezebelles!

MEGAN: Also, this is possibly the best analysis of McCain's strategy to the female electorate yet:

Don't believe what I say. Believe what you used to believe before I opened my mouth.

McCain is that skeezy guy you dated in college that you thought you learned better to go out with.

JASON: Yeah. That's McCain in a nutshell. His pushback is always: "Don't you think it's beneath you to accuse a war hero of lying?" No.

MEGAN: Not when the war hero is lying, asshole. You don't get to be a prick forever just because some bad shit happened to you.

MEGAN: Hey, what's up? Is it weird that I'm not hungover but I feel enough out of it that I might as well be?

SPENCER: Can you believe that the District of Columbia revoked my driver's license just because I decided not to pay a ticket that I got in New Jersey a couple months ago?

MEGAN: Quite honestly, kind of. I know other people who have gotten their licenses revoked for that kind of thing. I always winced a little when you mentioned that, but everyone knows I'm a goodie two-shoes except when it comes to D.C. parking tickets. And then I'm a soulless, conscienceless scofflaw.

SPENCER: You, I know, have a system in place for [redacted] when you accumulate tickets. Ingenious

MEGAN: Shhhh. Anyway, so, doesn't it feel to you like this VP picking process has gone on forever? Like they're just playing chicken with one another?

SPENCER: According to Adam "Ad Nags" Nagourney, it all ends as early as tomorrow:

Mr. Obama had not notified his choice — or any of those not selected — of his decision as of late Monday, advisers said. Going into the final days, Mr. Obama was said to be focused mainly on three candidates: Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana, Gov. Tim Kaine of Virginia and Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. of Delaware.

I say no to Bayh, maybe to Biden, and yes to Kaine. Tell me what you think

MEGAN: Well, I'm on record as feeling like Bayh is just a Washington climber who never, ever wants to have to go back to Indiana, and I'm betting he ends up with a cabinet job, but then I saw this rumor that an Obama staffer said it was him to CNN plus screencap of the now-pulled story and I got a little worried. I have no idea why he'd pick Biden, honestly, I want to believe he's just a red herring. I couldn't believe Kaine would saddle the state with a Republican governor by leaving (who would then get to run for a term of his own, bypassing Virginia's term limit law), but then I remembered he's a politician.

SPENCER: I heard about that. If he picks Bayh, the left will go fucking firecrackers. My friend Max even set up a facebook group against Bayh, and these guys already feel seriously dissed by Obama after FISA.

MEGAN: I miss Sebelius speculation.

SPENCER: Let's talk Kaine in a second. Why would he pick Biden? Biden, writes Jon Cohn in TNR — an honest man at a dishonest magazine — has that foreign policy expertise and that pugilism:

If Biden is the choice, I think it would speak well of Obama's judgment. Biden has a deep and impressive resume: Not only is he the guy who orchestrated the defeat of Robert Bork back in the 1980s, but he can also claim among his legislative accomplishments the Violence Against Women's Act, which is no small feat. He's smart, articulate, and is a bona fide expert on foreign policy: In other words, he's certainly capable of assuming the presidency in an emergency, which is really the most important criteria of all.

Joe Biden also has a good critique of TNR, for that matter. Four years ago I went to interview him for a piece about Kerry's counterterrorism strategy for TNR and he was trying to figure out whether I wanted him to say that Kerry would take a more targeted, al-Qaeda-centric approach or would just kill all the Arabs "Your magazine," he said (this is from memory), "has to figure out whether it's liberal or neoconservative, already."

MEGAN: Ha, this douchebag and his syncophants (one of whom emailed me last night to castigate me, by the way) are suing to get the VAWA thrown out as unconstitutional. Also, I love that he said that to you.

SPENCER: Oh shit i have to read that post! PS, don't fucking Twitter while we're doing Crappy Hour. You forget I'm on your feed!

MEGAN: I was waiting for you to type! I don't dislike Joe Biden, I honestly could see him as Secretary of State, but I really don't think this election is going to be won on foreign policy issues with the economy in the crapper.

SPENCER: Biden: I like the pugilism a lot. Don't expect it to be won on foreign policy. Picking Biden would be to tamp down McCain's only (if you believe the polls) advantage, leaving him with nothing while Obama kicks his ass on the economy

MEGAN: And he's a great speaker. But Delaware? And your friend Jon's right about that bankruptcy bill, that was a huge giveaway to the credit card companies... and sponsored by Arlington Congressman/wife-beater Jim Moran. He'd like me to come to his women's issues forum with Donna Brazile. Maybe if I bring a small, African American child he can smack him for the crowd.

SPENCER: That's a dream, man! I'm really equivocal on Biden. He voted for the war, though he calls it a mistake. In reality, he didn't want to vote for the war, he was terrified of getting smeared as unpatriotic like he did after he voted against the first Gulf War and this was a year after 9/11.

MEGAN: I see your point, but I think Kaine's a trade-up. Plus, bonus Catholic points, since Obama isn't going to win a ton of evangelical votes.

SPENCER: Now: Tim Kaine. I know nothing about him and like him!

MEGAN: That's pretty much Tim Kaine's advantage right there.

SPENCER: He's white and dimply and Virginian and I guess kind of liberal and didn't vote for the Iraq war, so that works for me. You, my friend, are the Virginia resident among us, so make the case. How liberal is he?

MEGAN: The eyebrows are killer, though. With all the smack Sebelius took for her response to the State of the Union, I can't believe no one brought up his.

SPENCER: A bunch of activists on a listserv I'm on seem to think he's unacceptably less-than-deep-blue.

MEGAN: He's a serious Catholic, I'm guessing that freaks some liberals out. But he's a serious Catholic seriously personally opposed to capital punishment who nonetheless denies clemency requests to prove that the Pope ain't the boss of him, or something, so I don't love that about him. That part makes me miss Mario Cuomo.

SPENCER: How is he as a governor?

MEGAN: I mean, I think he's been a pretty decent politician, the legislature here is pretty right-wing and he's successfully pushed stuff through and kept crap from going through. He's been pretty good on transportation issues, which are huge up here in NoVa, but were he not on the short list, I would guess that he'd be remembered as a serviceable but not spectacular governor unless he does something crazy at the end of his term.

SPENCER: Yeah, northern VA is all wine-swilling assholes like you. Jesus CHRIST if I make my Windy deadline this morning it'll be a miracle...

MEGAN: Actually, if Obama takes Virginia and Colorado, he can lose Florida or Ohio. And, I'm sorry, McCain's best feint on getting a Virginian on the ticket was Eric Cantor, so...

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA if McCain has to get a Virginian it will speak desperation. Not like the bravery of choosing Joe Lieberman!

[McCain's] top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.

MEGAN: I'm actually amazed that there's not a single Southerner on McCain's short list.

SPENCER: Joe, Joe, Joe! Make the GOP ticket the most jowly of all time! If McCain goes with Lieberman, I reverse my choice and hope Obama picks Biden, just because Biden will tear the living shit out of Lieberman in any debate.

MEGAN: Oh, fuck yeah, that would be popcorn and beer time watching that! At what point in the race do you think Lieberman would start undermining McCain the way he did Al Gore?

SPENCER: Not even SLIGHTLY and here's why. Lieberman is animated by the classic neoconservative grievance of rejection by his first love, the Democratic Party. Jacob Heilbrunn's book goes into this pathology in detail. And honestly, I have to admit I understand it, given my inability to let go of this whole TNR shit. That's why Lieberman has been such an eager attack dog for the right ever since he lost his primary in 2006 — he wants, and wants badly, to redress what the left did to him. He's not actually rightwing. He's anti-anti-left, and ferociously so.

MEGAN: Well, you know, if you want to be a hawk, don't expect a bunch of doves to come flocking to you.

SPENCER: He's obsessed with his own transcendent righteousness. Whatever, if Obama is going to tell me who the pick is by texting me, then McCain will announce his pick by telegraph-machine. A cavalcade of whimsy!

• Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, facing perjury charges in one case and assault charges in another, has been ordered to remain in Detroit instead of attending the Democratic convention. He tried to argue that his presence was really important to the Democratic party, but if Obama doesn't feel it's necessary to play nice with John Edwards, it's no surprise that his spokesman denied wanting Kilpatrick around either. [Washington Post]
• In other convention news, Hillary Clinton's going to get the opportunity to watch people vote for her Presidential campaign one last time before really, totally turning her delegates over to Obama. [Washington Post]
• And while some people I know are against Evan Bayh for VP because of war-mongeriness, others will probably turn against him upon finding out that he'd bring Mark Penn aboard as an adviser. Ugh. [Attackerman, The Atlantic]

• Jackson Browne is suing John McCain for copyright infringement for using his song "Running on Empty" in anti-Obama ads. He's not just mad about not getting paid, though — he, too, is an Obamaniac. [LA Times]
• John Moore, author of an anti-Bush book, like a number of other prominent Democrats (like Ted Kennedy) and anti-Bush types has found his name on the government's no-fly list. The FBI swears it's not political as though people actually believe that, and Moore says, "I'm stuck with everyone else on this list, wondering, am I someone's political enemy or do I live in a country where the government is just utterly and completely incompetent." Dude, like it can't be both at the same time? [CNN]
• Female suicide bombers returned to their regularly scheduled bombing programming earlier than I predicted on Tuesday. [Associated Press]
• Victoria Osteen prevailed in the lawsuit filed against her by a supposedly-wronged flight attendant. It might be actual justice, but where's the justice in my loss of Schadenfreude? [Associated Press]
• Uncle Pervy might resign, but it might not save him from prosecution. If it doesn't, why wouldn't he just hold stage another coup or something? Like we'd complain? [HuffPo]