Malin Ackerman, who sort of looks familiar, kind of, a little, will replace Lohan in the Linda Lovelace biopic. I'm sure Dina is looking for someone to sue as we speak.

• Eva Longoria Parker has filed divorce papers, though just yesterday she insisted she and Tony Parker were fine. Eva told BFF Mario Lopez that Tony was cheating, and he reports: "She is devastated, she wants us all to know that..."

• Earlier today, it was reported that Tony Parker had filed for divorce from Eva Longoria Parker in Texas. Her rep says the story "is 100% false," but she canceled an upcoming TV appearance with Anderson Cooper, so obviously something's up.

• Christina Aguilera, a woman who cannot stop releasing songs that are a metaphor for her vagina, celebrated her new found freedom by allegedly engaging in a menage a trois with Sam Ronson, America's favorite gateway lesbian.

[London, September 4. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Last night's grand (boring) event gave us all three fashion possibilities — in spades. Brace yourselves, and let's dissect.

Today on Tweet Beat, the stars scrutinize sex tapes, celebrate Miss Universe, cruise Facebook, and, of course, talk Tiger.

• Though he has struggled with alcoholism in the past, sources claim that Mel Gibson was sober during his recorded rants aimed at his girlfriend, and that he has apparently been sober for quite some time. [TMZ]

[Carson, July 17. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Alanis Morissette has revealed that she married the rapper Mario "MC Souleye" Treadway at her L.A. home on May 22. "So happy to share with you that my man Souleye and I got married," says Alanis.