After I got engaged, my fiancé and I started fighting a lot. All of a sudden there was a lot more pressure. And it wasn't just about picking our wedding venue, guest list, or color scheme. (I don't really give a fuck about any of that shit. Being a bride just isn't as appealing as I thought it would be. It's odd how making this one, very important, life-altering decision suddenly brought on a host of meaningless decisions over things I totally don't care about.)

Still, about one month into the engagement, after the initial excitement had faded a bit, there was this sense of all-or-nothing now that we'd decided to raise the stakes. I could feel him freaking out about the finality of what we were about to do, which I think is normal, and which I'd kinda been going through, as well. I was just dealing with it better, having the ability to ease my fears with the knowledge that this is exactly what I want, the confidence that I have in us both, and the idea of how much the rest of my life would suck if it weren't spent hanging out with him.

Still, we were bickering a lot, and alcohol never helps these situations. One night, after returning home from a bit of a bar crawl, we somehow started fighting, and it got really heated. We were screaming and eventually I kicked him out of my house. He was in his boxers and I literally pushed him out the door, and threw his pants and shoes at him.

He slurred something like, "You think I'm gonna marry you now?"

And I was like, "You're not!" I took my ring off and hurled it. I could hear it clink a bunch of times down several flights of stairs in my stairwell, and then I slammed the door. I immediately thought, Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I felt horrible. I knew it was way too dramatic and stupid; I just wanted him to wake up and quit his bullshit.

I opened the door and he was standing there, holding his pants. We were both still mad, but we knew we still wanted to get married. It took us what seemed like forever to find that fucking ring. It was wedged between the floor and the molding on the wall a few flights below. That was the last time I took it off. After that, I stopped being so dramatic... and he stopped drinking whiskey.

I felt like such a bitch after I did that, but was thankful that I threw it in an enclosed place and not out the window or something. My mom told me that her friend threw her engagement ring at her fiancé on a Queens street...and never saw it again. (They've been married for over 30 years now.)

I thought that perhaps this was a common thing. Kind of a milestone on your trip down the aisle. I started asking around to people I know who are engaged or married. A few women admitted to throwing their rings during a fight. Some were found, some weren't. One woman said that instead of throwing it, she "removed it dramatically and sadly and slowly put it down audibly." Almost everyone else said that if they didn't throw it, they definitely thought about it while fighting.

Maybe it's that when you decide to shake up your life in such a way, so many issues begin to bubble to the surface that you need to just explode in a display that really tests yourself and your partner. And when you're done, and if you still like it, then put the ring on it

Cutler's fiancé, Charles Rubio, is a 28-year-old New York lawyer that Cutler told Gawker she met in a bar last March. I think we can all assume that Rubio has basic reading and Google skills and  having known Cutler for the last 9 months or so  a pretty good idea of what she's done, who she is and why he wants to spend his life with her. Why is is so improbable that a woman who enjoys sex, has had multiple partners, has written about it and who has had heaped upon her humiliation, public opprobrium and a lawsuit by an ex-lover, could fall in love? Is it so improbable that a woman such as Cutler could have found love, could be ready to build a life with someone that loves her, or could manage to beat the (statistical) odds of divorce that confound every couple willing to take the plunge?

But, let us be honest here. It's not because people think Cutler has "issues"  plenty of people with issues get married every day, and some of them stay that way. It's not because people know enough about Cutler to assess her ability to have and maintain long-term relationships  although, to point out, the blog that catapulted her into the public spotlight was meant for several long-term friends of hers, so she can apparently maintain relationships with people over the course of a few years. It's not because anyone commenting snidely on her chances of being happy knows anything about how she comports herself in a relationship, feels about Rubio, how Rubio feels about her or what they both want out of a marriage (and whether they've discussed that). It's because they think that, having allowed a number of different men into her bed, she's not the "kind" of girl who can settle down.

Let's try thinking about what Cutler and Rubio have going for them. Rubio can hardly have any illusions about the woman he's marrying  but he loves her and wants to spend his life with her. And, honestly, that's kind of sweet, and cool, and what you want in a life partner  someone willing to shoulder your burdens with you and take on the world with you. And Cutler, sure, she's slept with a bunch of guys and maybe drank too much, but there was something about this guy that made her want something more. He bought her a bracelet she liked because he thought it would be harder to lose than a ring, and she didn't whine about not having a ring just because it's what society demands. She likes that he asked her father first, and, when e-mailed for comment, he deferred to her for comment. It actually sounds like they know each other pretty well and have their shit together. So why is it that people seemingly think they are so much more likely to end up screaming at one another in divorce court?

Which is not to say they won't. Marriage is tough. Maybe it will all blow up and the people who like to point and tsk-tsk about women who aren't ashamed to have lots of sex will have another reason to say that women like Cutler don't get to be happy. But there is at least one person hoping that, despite the obstacles that will get thrown before them and the shitstorms that will rain down on them no matter what they do, that it does work out for them both... if only because seeing other people happy doesn't inspire disgust or envy as much as it helps keep alive the small flicker of hope that anyone can be.

Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler Engaged [Gawker]
Jessica Culter Is Engaged [DCist]