Jezebel: end of week

We Are Really Glad It's Friday

Jennifer — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:30:00 EDT

We think your boobies are beautiful just the way they are.
And your anorexia too?
We need a nap.
We love the smell of vulva in the morning.
We contemplate whether denying the existence of homosexuals in your fascist country is, well, sorta hot.
We would be more than glad to teach Martha Stewart about bong water.
'Cause now we're bff's with Martha, in case you haven't heard.
But we hate hate Tyra.

The Fashion-Filled Week That Was

Moe — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 19:30:00 EDT

OMFG VENA CAVA VENA CAVA we don't know what that is, but Anna Wintour showed up! As did a Hills cast member.
Nukes flew over New Orleans but it was all a silly mistake.
We met Malan of Project Runway and vadge itchy Emma Snowdon of the Fashionista Diaries, all in one night!
There was a hurricane somewhere or something.
We met a douchebag at the Glamour party!
But the South Korean president met an even bigger one in Sydney.
Osama Bin Laden invited us to convert to Islam and leave behind booze and bacon.
Dodai got her picture taken with Seth Cohen at Calvin Klein!
A ton of books about the Cheney administration came out that said shit like: he's been really powerful for a really long time mainly because he keeps pressing to make himself more powerful.
But the iced tea at Bill Blass = OMG so good and Jennie is from the South so she knows!
P. Diddy! Next to Gavin Rossdale! And baby Kingston !!!!!!!

The American economy hemmorhaged jobs last month.
You could be depressed about that, or you could do like Hollister and turn the fact that $5.50 an hour is all it costs to get hot way-underage Indiana teens to strip and make out with one another and turn it inot a lucrative business model!
There's puke, and then there's meta-puke.
Then there's that feeling of having purchased an iPod a week before Steve Jobs slashed the price two hundred bucks.
And then there's CF Mandie Erickson.
And then there's suicide.

Terrence Howard Really Shouldn't Take Ass So Seriously

Jennifer — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Frankly, this week was all about the ass. Designer Tom Ford is one. Vogue acts like one. Terrence Howard is not only one but he thinks way too hard about other people's. And now we can't stop thinking about 'em. We dream of baby wipes. We say "Huggies" when we mean "Hello." And we're starting to look at the brown-and-cream-and-pale blue color scheme of our bedding and bedroom in a whole different light. Here is the week that was:

Tom Ford lost his spot as #1 Gay Man Who Hates Women.
Because Terrence Howard, though not openly gay, takes ass way too seriously.
We may tease/hate Terrence, but we empathize deeply with black women. Cause, see, it's harder for them to get in Vogue...

...but perhaps easier to get AIDS?
Brad Pitt likes black people, though.
Nonetheless, we think Vogue is funny. When we write our own captions.
Anorexia. Hollywood. You know the routine.
Christianity. Sadomasochism. We do not know this routine!
We don't hate Keira Knightley as much as we used to.
We would once again like to apologize to our little sisters.
The good folks at Hearst publications freaked when we asked them to confirm if it was really Jessica Alba's handwriting in the new issue of Cosmo Reluctantly, they told us it was. And here's what we did!
You know it's bad when The Pick-Up Artist even offends our gal Slut Machine.
Fight the man! Wear J.Crew!
And yes, I spend way too much money on shoes. Who are you people, my mom?!

What We Learned This Week: Regressing Is The New Progressing

heather — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 19:20:40 EDT

Guest-editing at Jezebel this week was a little bit like one going on one of those Outward Bound trips your parents send you on in high school when they find your bong. You know, you're out in the woods, away from all of your friends with a bunch of strangers, you learn to make your own fires (or in this case, learn how to use HTML) and since there's not really a lot to do everyone just talks about their acid experiences and bonds over how fucked up they are. And then you get home and your parents are like, what did you do at camp? And you're like, "NOTHING. GOD." Because you are an asshole teenager. But secretly you thought camp was great! Here is what you did:

We used free labor to tally the up all the expensive shit in Lucky and Vogue.
And then we started shopping at Kohl's.

We got psyched for The Hills.
We got a crush on Obama (Michelle, that is).
We learned that you should never carry your politics in your hair.
We LOLed over 'Vogue.'
We rocked out.
We empathized with Britney.
We finally found the guy we'd been looking for.

Sex, Lies And Cellulite: What We Learned This Week

Jennifer — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 19:00:56 EDT

This was a week full of ups and downs: At first we worried about being fried to death by the heat wave, then we worried about being washed away by the hurricane. And now it's fucking cold aside! And in some deranged way, we like to think that there's an analogy in here somewhere, linking to what we learned this week:

Being on Project Runway is bad for your health.
Almost as bad for you as having 17 fucking children...and giving them all "J" names.
But not as bad as auditioning for America's Next Top Model.
You can take our lives, but you can't take our freedom to say the word bitch.

Ok fine: You can have 'bitch' — just leave our chocolate alone, please!
And here we thought all those years that we got one year younger with every drink that makes us forget!
We aren't clever enough for sex made in Japan.
Our pretty pretty princess commenters never talk like this!
We don't think life is better at the Playboy mansion. Which is why we're so obsessed with what goes on there.
Is it worse to date someone who looks just like you? Or not date (or, er, have orgasms) at all?
Or worst of all, to date Terrence Howard?
Lohan! Elle! [Blogger orgasm]
Sarah Jessica Parker! Crazy eyes! Orgasm killer.
What's worse than girls who don't eat around boys? Girls who don't eat, but eat steak around boys.
Now we're getting gassy just thinking about dill-parsley tea.
Oh, hey. We sort of mooned you. But we did it for the good of humanity!

All We Do Is Think About Sex... And Anna Wintour

Jennifer — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

We're beginning to think that we're the last people on the internet today. No one is answering our emails, or IMs, or commenting on that cute picture of Brad Pitt and Zahara. What gives? Anyway, for those of you who are still chained to your desks, as we are, and too poor to have a weekend beach house (and a contract that stipulates summer Fridays) we present some of the week that was Jezebel.

Hillary's boobs: Now inspiring newspaper-rooted gang warfare.
And in other campaign sex news: We're hot for Barack.
For a pornogami penis, we could momentarily put aside our fear of germs when handling money.
Now we're thinking that Moby Dick should have begun: Call me Jizzable...

We know that all of you would sleep with us for no good reason. (But plenty of bad ones.)
Jessicas: In addition to being bitches, they're also fat. And covered in mud!
"Science" proves what we've long known: Anna Wintour? Mean. Glenda Bailey? Nuts.
We are wondering if some kindly designer will design us a latex body suit so we can leave our house without fear of contracting HPV.
Weddings are totally less retarded if you let a dude take control.
How the hell is Nicole Richie going to push a baby out and not break in half?
We have no clue what the fuck Halle Berry is doing.
We will tolerate no more grief for liking our men circumcised, thank you much.

Enough Already

Jennifer — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 19:30:00 EDT

Yup, Jezebel's proverbial 15 minutes expired days ago (maybe even last week!) but we hope that even without an attention-getting unretouched magazine cover photo, this week was as [insert adjective here] for you as it was for us. Here were some of the highlights:

Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko is an ass who doesn't understand women. Also: Our apartments don't look so messy when they're softly lit!
Elizabeth Hasselbeck is kind of an idiot.
Hillary Clinton's right-hand woman likes fake handbags.
Denim is too expensive, and women's magazine editors are cowards.

Little girls are being dressed like hookers and the parents are to blame.
Ankle bracelets: Chic, but not!
Amy Winehouse needs to see a doctor.
Period sex? Hey, why not?

Mommy, Our Heads Hurt

Jennifer — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 18:20:35 EDT

Remember that time earlier in the week when we were sober? Before we decided that "Hungover Friday Picture Day" was a good idea? Yeah, we sorta remember that time too! As such, the least alcohol-infused among us has created a helpful guide to some of the things on Jezebel that actually required some semblance of brain function. We'll be back Monday, in (hopefully) full fighting form. That said, have a good one everyone, and thanks for putting up with us.

Jane went kaput. You heard it here uh, third.
Too many girls changed clothes too many times for the Valentino 45th Anniversary party. And most of them didn't even look good doing it!
The "Pulling Out Club" We're not just members, we're the presidents.
You think Jenny's dancewear as workwear is inappropriate. Her mama is proud.
We know that everybody poops. We don't know why everyone has to do it in such a messy way at the workplace.
Just what is it about crossing the Atlantic that makes stilettos so bad for your health in such unexpected ways?
Oh yeah, the dolls!

If being a nag means we're as fucking hilarious as Susie Essman, we wanna be the biggest nags you (or any man) has ever known.
Serena Nikkah will definitely not be inviting us to party with her and Tinsley and Olivia any time soon.
Fucking a Republican does not mean getting an elephant-sized dick headed your way. Don't say we didn't warn you.
We'll make you (blog) famous if you buy us this puppy.
Jane went kaput. You heard it here third. And yet we're getting blamed for its demise? If we're not even good enough to break the goddamn story how could we be good enough to send a long-running mag tumbling to the ground?